All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S03E03 - Time Capsule (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Okay, Jerry, what have you chosen
to put in the time capsule?

These are my
mother's diaries.

Wow. Yeah, she lived in
Pawnee all of her life

and recorded
everything she ever did.

Yeah, so it's,
you know, kind of like

a living document
about the town.

Mmm. A disappointingly
good idea from Jerry.

Better than good, Jerry.
Perfect.

Give me that.

"January 18, 1964.

"Jerrold starred in his school
production of Peter Pan.

"He was
a beautiful Tinker Bell."

It was an all-boys school.

Jerry!

Hey, Leslie,
I have an idea.

Why don't we put
Eduardo in there

and seal the top so that
he suffocates and dies?

Okay, Tom, you're up.

For my item, I chose a picture
of my ex-girlfriend Lucy

with a mustache
drawn on her face

and stink lines coming off her,
'cause she stinks.

She broke up with me.
Didn't really tell me why.

Luckily, when you're the guy,
you can just tell people she's crazy.

"Hey, Tom, I heard
you and Lucy broke up."

"Yeah, man.
Turns out she's crazy."

That's what they always
do on Entourage.

Ron?

I am submitting this menu

from a Pawnee institution,
JJ's diner,

home of the world's
best breakfast dish,

The Four Horse-meals
of the Egg-pork-calypse.

Wendy loves it, too.

And I am
submitting this.

A brief history of everything
that has ever happened

since Pawnee was founded.

Not like you get extra credit for this,
but I did type it from memory.

And for the first
time ever compiled,

it includes a complete list of every
official town slogan we've ever had.

Oh, my God, Leslie.
- I know. Can you believe it?

That's crazy.
Isn't it?

The Paris of America."

The Akron
of Southwest Indiana."

Welcome, German soldiers."

After the Nazis took France,
our mayor kind of panicked.

The factory
fire capital of America."

Welcome,
Vietnamese soldiers."

Engage with Zorp."

For a brief time in the '70s,
our town was taken over by a cult.

Zorp is dead.
Long live Zorp."

It's safe to be here now."

Birthplace of Julia Roberts."

That was a lie, she sued,
and so we had to change it.

Home of the world-famous
Julia Roberts lawsuit."

Welcome, Taliban soldiers."

And finally,
our current slogan.

First in friendship,
fourth in obesity."

Yes, Pawnee has had
its set of problems,

but this time capsule
is our way of saying

that Pawnee is gonna be around
for a long time...

Capsule.

And you can quote me on that.

I'm actually gonna
quote you on all of this,

'cause it's
a newspaper article.

I thought of a great headline.
Great.

"It's Time to
Encapsulate the Future."

Good one.
Sub headline,

"The Parks Department Cuts the Crapsule,
Buries the Time Capsule."

I'll be back tomorrow
with the photographer.

Okay.

Leslie, this guy's here.

Hi. Can I help you?

I'm Kelly Larson.

I read online about
your time capsule,

and I'm here to
make a suggestion.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We're not taking...

Twilight books.

It's a beautifully told saga of
vampires, werewolves and romance.

You are the person that's been
emailing me about Twilight.

I thought you would
be younger. And a girl.

Well, I'm not.

I'm older and a boy.

But I feel very
strongly that these should

be included.
Can I tell you why?

Sure, Kelly. Have a seat.
Awesome.

And plead your case.
Thanks.

Okay, Christmas Eve, 1973.

Author Stephenie Meyer,
n�e Morgan,

was born in Hartford,
Connecticut.

Oh. You're going all the
way back to her birth. Okay.

So basically, Ann kissed me
and then April kissed me,

and I told April, because
of honesty is important.

That's so true.

But now she's gone and gotten
herself a Venezuelan boyfriend

who's, like,
the handsomest dude I've ever seen.

Present company excluded.

Oh, thank you.

I was talking about me.

Hey.

Ann Perkins!

Andy just gave me
a phenomenal shoeshine

and I did not know that you
two once lived together.

Yes. Yes, we did.

Thank you for catching him up
on our history.

Andy, that was
an amazing shoeshine.

I can literally see
my face in my shoes.

See you later!

He didn't...
He didn't pay me.

Why are you
hanging out with Chris?

He just sat down.

What am I supposed to do?
He's my boss.

No, he's not.
He isn't?

God dang it.

I cannot figure out
who my boss is.

Andy, I like this guy.

Please don't do
anything weird, I beg you.

I just started dating Chris,
and I don't know how,

but Andy's gonna screw it up.

Andy screws everything up.

When we were dating,
I bought him a fish

and I don't want
to get into it,

but somehow that fish ended
up dead in a cowboy boot.

And combined, they have sold more
than 100 million copies worldwide.

Now, have you seen any
of the Twilight movies?

No, I have not.
Well, let me

describe them to you
shot for shot.

Movie number one. Twilight.

We slowly pan up
over a mossy log

to see a deer drinking
crystal-clear water.

Okay, Kelly, this time capsule isn't just
a barrel full of stuff that people like.

It's about life in Pawnee
at this moment in time,

and there is nothing in Twilight
that is specific to Pawnee.

I disagree, okay?

The town of Forks, Washington
is exactly like Pawnee,

except for the climate
and the vampires.

I'm sorry. I have to say no.

I beg you to reconsider.

And I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

Then I'm gonna
have to do this.

He brought handcuffs with him.
This whole thing was planned.

I think it's kind of cool.

It's not cool.
It's trespassing,

and that is
breaking the rules.

Cool people make the rules.
They don't break the rules.

And if those kids want
you to break the rules,

they're not
really your friends.

Whoa, who are you
even talking about?

I don't know. I'm sorry.
I'm just annoyed.

But while we're
on the subject,

your friend Orrin,
with the long black nails and the cloak?

He concerns me.

He's a genius.

I'll take care
of this trespasser.

Give me 30 seconds.

I'm just gonna call security.

Guys, can we push
the meeting an hour?

What's going on?

Some guy handcuffed himself
to a pipe in my office

because we wouldn't put a copy
of Twilight in the time capsule.

Damn it. Again?

You look sad.

You look like a weird goon who's
obsessed with a kid's book.

It's a girl, isn't it?

I can tell.

It's the look that
Mike had on his face

when Bella turned
him down for the dance.

Oh, yeah? Is it?

What look did your
mom have on her face

when she realized her son
was a complete failure?

Okay, I'll be quiet.

But I do know something about
heartbreak. And you know who else does?

Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds?

No.

A little lady named Twilight
author Stephenie Meyer.

Trust me.

You should listen to him.
Those books are good.

Oh, I love any book about vampires,
werewolves, monsters, zombies,

sorcerers, beasties
or time-traveling romances.

And if I had an hour alone
with Robert Pattinson,

he would forget all
about Skinnylegs McGee.

I'll tell you that much.

Okay, buddy, time is up.
Give us the keys.

They're hidden
somewhere very far away.

Then we're gonna
have to cut you loose.

Why? I'm not doing
anything wrong.

Yes, you are.
You're trespassing.

Well, the fact remains
this is perfectly legal.

No, it's not.
You're trespassing.

Look, I really don't want
to cause any trouble,

but I am not gonna leave until you
put Twilight in the time capsule.

This muscle-headed
Stormtrooper doesn't scare me.

Go ahead, Artie.

No! No! No! No! No!

Please! No! No! No! No! No!
No! Get him away from me!

I am very scared of you!

All right! Okay! All right!
All right! All right! Stop.

If he wants to stay in there,
I'll let him stay in there.

In two hours,
he's gonna be so hungry and freaked out,

he's gonna be
begging me to...

He brought a pillow.

Hey, Leslie, I'm making some
Sleepytime tea. Do you want any?

Hey, dude, wake up, man.

Oh, morning, Tom.

Twilight is dope.

I told you.
I couldn't put it down.

It was like she was
peering into my soul.

Sing it, friend. Here.

Book two. Twilight: New Moon.

Get cracking.

There's a second book?

And a third and a fourth.

No way.

It's fantastic.
Yeah.

I worked really hard.
I did every pair that I could.

I didn't know
what to do with these.

I think they're gloves.
No, no, no, no.

Those are sports sandals.

They are for adventure racing.

They perfectly
contour to the human foot,

and the human foot
is the ultimate technology.

Dude, that is the coolest sentence
I've ever heard somebody talk.

So you love April,
and she has a new boyfriend, right?

You got all of
that from a picture?

No, you told me yesterday.

Andy, I want to
help you win her over.

Why do I want to help him?

Because he's a good person.

I love good people.

Hey, you know who should
wear these shoes?

Monkeys.

Well, this is an
interesting turn of events.

Is it? I don't know.

I mean, I guess it's
kind of interesting.

What the real story is is how
wonderful our time capsule is

and how it
perfectly encapsulates,

a word I really
think you should use,

what our town is all about.

Hey, how's this
for a headline?

"Parks Department
Foiled by Pipe Dreams."

God, that's
an amazing headline,

but please don't
write that story.

The key to April's heart
is within you, Andy.

You need to tap in to the
aspects of your personality

that she once found attractive to make
yourself the best version of yourself.

What's great about you?

I'm nice.

Good! Nice.

What else?
I'm in a band.

Band!

What else?
That's it.

Am I team Edward? Yes.

Do I share his concerns
about turning Bella, though?

Absolutely not.

Edward's primary goal,
at all times, is Bella's protection.

Can you please,
please be quiet?

Sorry. Sorry.

Let's keep it down.
Be considerate.

Look at it this way, Tom.

Bella's love for Edward
is being tested.

By Jacob?

Mmm. Not exactly.

The Volturi?
Yes.

Okay, you know what?
All right.

I'm gonna go do my work
in the conference room,

'cause you guys are the worst.

You seem tense, Leslie.
You know what you should do?

Read Twilight?

Read Twilight. Here.
Yeah, thanks.

Sometimes I think she's in the Volturi.

Good morning, Kelly.

Oh, morning, Leslie.

Hope you don't mind,
I moved myself over to this pipe.

It's a little
more comfortable.

No problem.
Did you have a nice night? Sleep well?

It was all right, considering.

Picked you up some coffee.

Thank you so much.

Well, you seem pretty chipper
this morning. I am, Kelly,

because I know
why you're here.

You know what I did
last night?

Read Twilight,
and it transformed your life

and you're gonna put
it in the time capsule?

Well, I read
the first 10 pages.

I couldn't really
get into it, though.

More of a Harry Potter
girl myself.

What?
But I looked in the inside cover,

and I saw this.

Did a little research,
and Liz Waverly is 12 years old,

a straight-A student
at King Philip Middle.

She's also a member of many

Twilight
Internet message boards,

and I'm guessing
your daughter?

Is that why you did this?
To impress your daughter?

Liz's mom and I divorced
a couple years ago,

and it's been
really hard on her.

She loves Twilight.

So, I read about your
time capsule and I thought

that if I could somehow
convince you to get it in there,

I'd be a big hero.

That's really sweet.

You should have told me you were
doing this for your daughter.

I didn't want to
drag her into it.

I'm sorry.
This is a mistake.

You don't have to put Twilight
in the time capsule.

I think we should put Twilight
in the time capsule.

Leslie, no. We don't
negotiate with weirdoes.

Yeah, what happened to, "A perfect
encapsulation of life in Pawnee"?

Well, for that guy,
life in Pawnee is him

and his daughter
reading that book.

Besides, I can get
Shauna on board.

It would make a great
human interest story.

Uh, if this gets out,

every time you want
to do anything,

some guy's gonna
come into your office

and handcuff
himself to a pipe.

Well, yeah,
that's a good point.

Then we shall
bring the pipe to them.

Oh, no.
Oh, yes.

What does that mean?
Crackpot convention.

So that's what
today's forum is for.

We're gonna hear suggestions
from everyone,

and then whichever items
we generally agree on

will go into the time capsule.

Please remember,
this is a government project,

so we need to refrain
from corporate promotion

and religious items.

Who'd like to start?

I think we should
put in the Bible.

Great.

Eduardo.

Hi, Eduardo.
I want to apologize.

Just because you're
dating my soul mate

doesn't give me any
right to be a jerk to you.

I promise from now on,
I'm just gonna be super nice to you.

Thank you for saying that.
You're welcome.

What CDs are those?

Mouse Rat.

My band. It's our
latest album. Yeah.

You like music?
What are you listening to?

The Smiths.
Very depressing!

April's making you listen to that?
Mmm.

She's really into
that indie stuff.

I'm more of a
Dave Matthews guy myself.

David Matthews!
Crash into Me!

Yes! I love that song.

Here you go, here.
Take one. Check us out.

We're amazing,
so let me know how much you like us.

Yeah, gracias.

That means "thank you"?

Yes.
Nailed it.

So, we have one very
moving case for Twilight.

Anyone else? Great.

Two people for Twilight.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm Marcia Langman,

from the Society for Family
Stability Foundation.

This book contains pagan creatures
and strong sexual overtones.

There are girls quivering.

There are boys staring deeply into
girls' eyes as they quiver, and so forth.

There really is a tremendous
amount of quivering.

It is anti-Christian,
it is pro-quivering,

and the government
has no business promoting it.

I totally disagree.

Well, now we have
two people for Twilight.

Absolutely not.

I'm with the National
Civil Liberties Association.

That book actually contains
overt Christian themes,

and as such,
has no business being

associated with any
government project.

So too Christian,
and not Christian enough?

Do you see the irony here?

No? Okay. Uh...

Donna, why don't you put a
question mark next to Twilight?

No! You promised!

You promised?
That's not fair!

Wait, it's not
a question of fairness.

It's...
Go back to Russia, commie!

Hey, you go back to Russia!

You go back to wherever you came from!
Why would I go to Russia?

I have no interest in traveling
to Russia. Can I just say that?

And who else?

I would like to
include my favorite book,

Crazy from the Heat,
the David Lee Roth story.

Well, I think if we're gonna be
adding a book to the time capsule,

it would probably be Twilight.

I don't care about Twilight. Why is
this only about his favorite book?

I want my favorite
book in there.

Okay, I have an idea.

Two time capsules.

One that totally encapsulates

what's happening right now in
Pawnee in this moment in time

and the other one
that's just for items

of personal significance,
like Twilight.

No Twilight!

Yes, Twilight!

Hey.
Hey.

Thanks for coming.

I only have a second.
I have to get to work.

Bella's going on
her first hunt.

I just don't get why
you broke up with me.

Is it 'cause I'm
not cool enough?

Like the normal kids compared
to the vampires?

Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob
type situation,

where you like me but there's
someone else you like more?

Uh...

It's nothing
to do with Twilight.

It just didn't work out.

Okay?

Well, what difference
does it make?

If we stayed together,
you probably

would have just
dumped me for Ron.

Actually, that's the reason.

I believe you when you say that
you're not in love with Wendy anymore,

but you're definitely not cool
with her dating Ron.

You talk about it constantly.

Well, I can't help it, okay?

I mean, he's so manly,
and he's my boss.

Imagine if your boss
was Angelina Jolie,

and then one day, she just
started dating your ex-boyfriend.

Wouldn't that freak
you out a little bit?

Well, not if I had a great
new boyfriend, dumbass.

Look, Tom, I like you.

You're really cute
and you're funny,

and you're small enough
for me to throw you around.

So if you ever work through this,
then give me a call.

My grandmother lived
in Pawnee for 60 years,

and I wanna put her ashes
in the time capsule.

My cat, Turnip,
was the greatest cat ever,

and I'd like to put his ashes
in the time capsule.

For the last time,
and I won't say this again,

there will be no
human or feline ashes

in either one
of the time capsules.

Except for Turnip!
Except for Turnip!

No chanting.

Look, we don't know
what the world

is going to be
like in 50 years.

We could all have been wiped
out from disease or the flu.

So what's your suggestion?

I don't know.

I'm just scared.

Hey.

Aw!

Andy!

I got two microphones,
a four-track recorder

and every bass tab
to Dave Matthews ever.

We're gonna jam for, like,
nine hours. Is that cool?

Yeah.
All right.

That's ridiculous.

Now, why should the Bill of Rights
be in the official time capsule,

but this painting of my dog is
in time capsule seven?

Well, I think pet paintingslashes
are in time capsule four.

No, that's baseball cards.

No, baseball cards are in time
capsule nine, childhood memorabilia.

Honestly, Twilight could go in
almost any of these categories.

Oh, shut up, Kelly!

Make me, Bob!

Okay, let's take a 10-minute break!

Oh, God.

This time capsule's
tearing this town apart.

You're leaving soon.

Can I blame it on
you in the press?

Sure.

Well, I gotta say,
I think it's kind of impressive.

I've been to a lot of towns. Usually
people don't care about anything.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

These people are weirdoes,
but they're weirdoes who care.

Excuse me, everyone.

I realize things have gotten
a little out of control,

and that's Ben's fault,
and he's sorry.

But I have an idea,
and if you like it,

I think we can
end this right now.

"Dear Pawnee of the future,

"congratulations.

"You have found a time capsule
that was buried over 50 years ago.

"We wanted to include a collection
of items that would best represent

"what life was like
in our town at that moment.

"Instead,
you'll find only one item,

"a video recording
of a public forum we held

"in order to determine just
what those items would be.

"This is truly
what life was like.

"A lot of people
with a lot of opinions

"arguing passionately
for what they believed in.

"So enjoy watching it,
assuming you still have electricity.

"And sorry about the weird
blank gap in the middle.

"A man named Jerry Gergich
screwed up the recording somehow.

"He had one job to do.

"Sincerely,
Pawnee of the past."

Is Eduardo coming?

No, he went
back to Venezuela.

Oh, that sucks.

He was a really good bassist.
I was actually starting to like him.

I know.

That's what made me
start to hate him.

Hey. Nice and band
totally worked.

Have you enjoyed
your time with Andy?

Yeah, he's great.

And he told me
how great you are.

And he told me that I would
be crazy to let you get away.

He did, huh?
He did.

And also, there is
a pretzel stand over there

that serves, literally,
the best pretzel I've ever had.

Would you like one?
Absolutely.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Tom.
Tom.

Listen, I've never
seen this before,

so I'd really
appreciate it if no one,

like, talked or texted or anything.
Okay.

Ooh!

Hey.

Hey, Leslie, thanks
for setting this up.

Dude, what did I just say?

Hey, I was the guy
who introduced you to...

How about you shut up?