All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S02E20 - Summer Catalog (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Good morning.

Whoo! Swiss Family Ron-binson!
That hat is dope.

Thanks, Tom.

You mind if I rock that
bad Larry on my dome?

Wear it on my head?
Try it on the ladies?

Be my guest.

Hi, I'm Tom.
I have a raccoon on my head.

Excuse me? My friend over here
was digging through your trash

and I think we may have a
lot in common. I'm Tom.

Would you like to
see a movie sometime?

Are you a raccoon?

Because you've been running
around my hat all day...

Head all day.

Girl, you're more
precious than Precious.

Uh-uh.

"Nice hat. Wanna bone?"
That's you, talking to me.

No. How about, "Yes, I am a
hunter, and it's you season."

Whoa, that's great.
I gotta get back out there.

You know what they say, animal
on the head, manimal in the bed.

Damn, girl!
Your hotness killed my raccoon!

I have a raccoon hat.
I'm an interesting person.

Hello!

Any luck?

Nope.

Didn't work out as well
as I thought it would.

Well, better luck next time.

I tried.
It just didn't seem like...

Wow. I love that hat.

Thank you, ma'am.

Hey, Ron.
I have a surprise for you.

Meet me at Harvey
James Park at 11:30.

- Why?
- It's a surprise!

What's the surprise?

If I told you,
it would ruin the surprise.

What's the surprise
it would ruin?

I cannot tell you that.

Leslie, my first wife, Tammy, tried
throwing me a surprise birthday party.

When I saw my friends
hiding through the window,

I drove to a gas station,
called the cops

and told them people
had broken into my home.

I'm not big on surprises.

Okay, but you're
gonna like this one.

- What is it?
- I'm not telling you.

And I'm not gonna tell anybody!

Okay. I'll tell you.

We're putting together the Parks
Department Summer Catalog.

And the big surprise
is I am going to reunite

all the living former
Parks Directors at a picnic,

record the whole thing,

and then write about it in
the "Welcome Letter."

It's the biggest
catalog of the year.

Think of the
September issue of Vogue.

But it's more
important to Pawnee.

Mainly because we
don't get Vogue here.

I'm gonna move this "Yearning"
ad to the centerfold.

Centerfold, always the best part.
Am I right, Justin?

- Damn, they broke up six weeks ago.
- Yeah.

Jerry, I need to see
your softball pictures.

Here you go, Chief.

- Wow, good job. Nice work.
- Whoa!

Wait a minute.
Isn't that that creepy guy?

Morgan? The pedophile?

- Yeah, it is.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, Jerry!

Come on!
I didn't know that!

He seemed okay.

We had dinner together.

Guys, I don't know
if I made it clear,

but I don't want any sex
offenders in our Parks catalog.

Okay, I will
Photoshop his face.

Can you Photoshop your life
with better decisions, Jerry?

Okay, April. Enough.

Cover photo.
Tom, you're up.

This catalog is basically, like,
an ad for the Parks Department,

and I love ads.

I love magazine ads
for flavored vodkas,

billboards for designer jeans.

I TiVo through shows
to get to the ads.

I love ads.

What are we trying to
do with this catalog?

We're trying to sell Pawnee
on our summer classes.

How do we do that?
With one perfect, captivating image.

April?

Modern life.
Where are we running?

Sometimes, what we want
is not always where we are.

Next slide.

Are we alone?

Is the real winter
inside our hearts?

We are all struggling
for definition

in a world that
resists our inquiries.

Okay, this isn't gonna work
for a number of reasons.

One, this is a summer catalog.

Two, that was
complete gibberish.

And three, that child
looks like it's abandoned.

So, basically, boo.

Next slide.

Oh, God. Weird.
How did that...

That's a personal photo. That's...
Shouldn't be... this must've...

You know, I gotta say,

I think that could actually
work as our cover photo.

I'm cool with it, if you guys are.
It's a high-res photo.

I don't know if I have
time for this, guys,

so, let's just pick
a good photo, okay?

What do you want, Leslie? A picture
of parents pushing a kid on a swing?

Yeah. Exactly.
Get me that.

Okay. I gotta go.

What is he thinking?

"Why is my cup so tiny?"

Hey. What are you
doing here?

Happy six-month anniversary.
I got you a gift.

It's a chicken salad sandwich.

And I don't want
you to feel bad

about not getting me anything,
because I would never expect...

Swiss Army Watch, mofo.

Well done.
Perkins. Wow!

You like it?

Thank you so much.
That's so nice.

Are you allowed
to kiss me in a hospital room?

Oh, don't worry about it.
He's dead.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I'm just kidding,
he's sleeping.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, our relationship
is going well. Really well.

That guy really seemed dead.

Nice!

Here, catch this.

You got me in the face! Oh!

That one hurt.
You've a good arm.

I know. I used to play
softball in high school.

Shut up! I played
baseball in high school.

- Shut up! - Yeah, that's like,
the boy version of softball.

Guys, don't play with the food, okay?
We need this for the picnic.

- Do we have everything?
- Yes, ma'am.

Three picnic baskets, assorted
cheeses, grapes, wine.

Smoked salmon?

April threw the smoked
salmon on the roof.

I'm sorry.

Where's Leslie?
She just texted me from your phone

and said she left
her phone at home

and that I should
come here immediately.

And why did I believe that?

Maybe in your heart you knew it
was from me, but you came anyway.

Nope.

Tom, would you please
stop texting me

that you're having
a city planning emergency?

There's no such thing
as a city planning emergency.

- Hi, there.
- Hi.

Look at you two.

Ann Perkins, Mark Brendanawicz.
"Anndanawicz."

Or "Merkins."
No, "Anndanawicz."

You two should be models.

Maybe on the cover of the Parks
Department Summer Catalog?

That's not the reason
you called me in here, right?

'Cause I just finished a 12-hour shift.
If that's the reason...

Come on, Ann.
It'd be a huge favor for Leslie.

You know how important
this is to her.

- Well, I am in.
- Dude!

I am.

We don't have any pictures
of just the two of us.

Plus, I've always said we should
go on more dates with Tom.

Yeah, you have.

And thank God an opportunity
presented itself.

See? Win-win.

Now, Ann, you're
gonna change, right?

I guess.

Would it kill you to maybe
put on some lipstick?

Do you even own lipstick?

This is probably the first time
in history these four great men

have been in the same
place at the same time.

It kind of makes you...

What is this?

Sweater swap!
She noticed!

- You were right.
- Oh, my God. Somebody's here.

Okay. Guys,
just act normal.

Please? Just be like
normal people.

Hello! Hi! David Moser!
I'm Leslie Knope.

It is such an honor
to meet you.

Right.

How long is this gonna take?

Oh, not very long. I realize, of
course, you're a very busy man.

I love parks.

I don't know if that's something
I've communicated before.

So, having a picnic

with all the former living
Parks Department Directors...

Guess who just checked
something off her bucket list?

Clarence Carrington,
David Moser,

Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson,

gathered together on a beautiful
day in this beautiful park.

I think we should
just take a moment

and appreciate
how lucky we are.

I thought you
were dead, Clarence.

No. I'm gonna outlive you,
then I'm gonna nail your wife.

Screw you, you old coot.

Classic David.
You're worse than Ron.

Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.

Okay! Great! Let's go!

When I say "parks,"
you say "department!" Parks!

Parks!

Apartment!

Oh, boy. This is taking a lot
longer than I thought it would.

Can you guys run up ahead
and set up the picnic?

Sure.

Oh. Where are they
going with the food?

I'm starving.
I only had one breakfast.

Okay, relax.

Look, what was going on back there?
Why all the sniping?

Not exactly sure.

The only one I know is Michael,

and we're not exactly best friends.
- Hmm.

I'm hungry.

Okay, well,
don't be such a baby.

I cooked you some bacon
for a trail snack.

- I ate it already.
- What?

I could smell it in your purse
before I even parked my car.

And now it's gone.
And I hate everything.

Good, good, good.
All right.

I think we got the boring clich�d
shot that Leslie wanted.

That's it?
We're done?

Not even close.

Now the real art begins.

Step one,

nail this photo shoot with
an amazing, iconic image.

Step two,
book some outside gigs.

Step three,
have sex with a model.

Step four, step in front of
the camera, become a model.

Go, yes! Keep slithering!
Keep slithering!

Ann, can you give me something,
anything, in the face?

What do you want me to do?

Do what Mark's doing.
He's doing great!

Keep slithering!

I'm not doing anything, so...

Okay, Clarence, um,
why don't you describe

the first Summer
Pawnee Catalog.

I remember. That first year
we offered four classes.

I actually taught Homemaking.

Women were not allowed
to teach back then.

Really? I thought there were
female teachers way before then.

Not in my department.

Well, times have changed.

I'm Deputy Director now,

but I'm hoping someday to be the first
female director of the department.

Oh, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Women need a lot of blood to flow
through to their baby centers,

which leaves less to
the brain, you see.

Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Sure.

I'd stay away from leadership
roles, for your own safety.

No! No!

Maybe I should write
a song about a picnic.

Ooh, where'd you come
up with that idea?

The picnic we're having.

I already have the perfect title,
Life is a Picnic.

That's good. How about
Life is a Picnic with You?

Whoa! Then it could be about a girl.
Or Peyton Manning!

Hmm. You wanna help me
write the lyrics?

Yeah, totally.

We should grab a drink
after this at Tucker's.

Yeah, I would do that.
That sounds fun.

I just have to get my
stuff from the office.

But that's...
That'd be cool.

David, what was it exactly that
called you to the Parks Department?

Well, I was in Public
Works for eight years.

But the director was pretty young.
Clarence was old and weak.

So, I put in for a transfer,
swooped in and pushed him out.

There was no other reason
you wanted the job?

No. Just the money
and the pension.

The actual job's a nightmare.

I mean, who gives
a crap about this crap.

Well, David, I think
we've talked enough.

Mark, that's great.
Bobby, great.

Ann, you look miserable!
Terrible. Terrible!

Come on, Ann. What are we doing?
Maxim or Good Housekeeping?

I'm not sure which one
is the insult.

Hey, if there's anyone out there
that's doing a photo shoot

about the dangers of eating
undercooked chicken,

I can give you
Ann's phone number.

Okay, let's stop for a second.

- Bobby, I love how you work.
- Yay!

You can have as many
juice boxes as you want.

In fact, grab me one, too.
Make it an apple.

Mark, great job, you can
have a juice box, too.

Ann, take a walk with me.

In a million years,
I never thought you would be

the problem with
this photo shoot.

Didn't you just plan this,
like, two hours ago?

I just don't get it.

How could someone so hot
be so bad at looking hot?

I'm sorry I'm not
a professional model.

And screaming, "Make your face better!"
doesn't help.

Well, I'm sorry,
your face just isn't working.

And we need to do something to
distract from this boring area.

Now, I didn't want to have to do
this, but we may have to go nude.

Goodbye, Tom!

Fair enough.
I totally understand.

But we should get
one for safety.

Okay, guys. We're almost there.
It's right up here.

You really shouldn't
be leading us.

If you're menstruating,
you'll attract bears.

Holy God. Okay.

Here we are.

Eat.

Well, it hasn't gone
exactly as I've hoped.

But I got them all here and we're
gonna have a beautiful picnic.

It's gonna...
It's gonna be good.

Hey.

I just whizzed on a butterfly!

Well, gentlemen, as you know,

I'm working on my welcome
letter for the Summer Catalog.

You should just
copy the Eagleton one.

I used to just
copy the Eagleton one.

Did you? I was hoping that
maybe you could talk to me

a little bit about how the department
has changed since you ran it.

Well, I think you've done a wonderful
job maintaining the parks.

Thank you, Michael.
I appreciate that.

Did you enjoy your
turn at the helm?

Oh, in a way.

Pencil pushing wasn't
really my thing,

but I did love
the parks themselves.

- That was the best part of the job.
- Oh, isn't it? I totally agree.

Well, thank goodness for you.

Yes, thank goodness
for Michael.

Are you still
on parole, by the way?

Oh, ha, ha.
Very funny, Ron.

Yes. Yes, Ron, I am.

- What?
- He smoked pot.

In the office. And in all the parks.
Constantly.

In fairness to me,
it was a different time.

It was the early '90s.

But also, it's ridiculous
that marijuana is illegal.

Thomas Jefferson grew hemp.

Alcohol is legal,
but pot isn't?

That makes sense to you, Ron?

I'm sorry,
I can't hear hippies.

So, if you had to sleep with one
of the old guys, who would it be?

The super-old one.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.
I'm an eyebrow girl.

I wanna make out with him
and chew his eyebrows off.

That is really gross.

Anybody got any water?

I want water.
I'm so old, I need to drink water.

Oh, stop it, stop taunting him.

I don't need
your help, jailbird.

If there's any unclaimed meat or
cheese, I would like to claim it.

Yeah.
Like you claimed my job?

Yes. Exactly like that, in that I
wanted it, and then I took it.

Okay, guys, you know
what I would love?

I would love if anybody
just said something positive

about, oh,
I don't know, anything.

I agree. Let's just relax, smoke
another J, and all calm down.

Another?

By the way, it's ridiculous
that pot is illegal.

It grows in the ground!

I've planted marijuana in community
gardens all over the city,

and it hasn't hurt anyone!
- What?

You know, Michael?
You are one

pot-loving mother
pain in the rectum.

Okay, stop it! Stop it!
You're all being awful, horrible men!

Uh-oh. Your little friend come to visit?

Clarence, if you mention
anything about women,

or menstruation, or anything,

I'm gonna take your face and I'm
gonna shove it in those brambles.

- Yes!
- No! You're next, buddy.

Andy!
Let's take this picture.

Come on!
Get out of your seats, turds.

- What?
- Line up over there.

Come on.
Just please try to look human.

All right, and not so evil.

Everybody looking here.
One, two, three.

Thank you so much
for the wonderful memories.

- Everybody take their stuff and go.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Can we do one funny-face one?

Do you have that
picture that Andy took?

Maybe I'll run it
without any text.

Yeah. I tried to Photoshop it to
make it look like they were happy.

It was really hard.
Their mouths are so old.

God! Look at these
horrible men.

You know, I don't even know
if I want them in my catalog.

Would you like these
men in your catalog?

Oh, my God, April.
That's disgusting.

What? Look how generous they're
being with each other.

And here's the
"Obstruction" series.

What do you think?
Amazing, right?

I call this one
"The Future."

It's completely blurry.

Yes, it is, Ann.

What about the ones we took on the swing?
The normal ones?

You mean the
"Unhappy Wife" photos?

Oh, my God.
These are even worse, somehow.

I look miserable.

You do look kind of miserable.

Now you know what I meant by,
"Make your face better."

Was there something wrong, Ann?

Well, I had just gotten off a long shift.
He was being really annoying.

Mark looks happy.

Just please
don't use these, okay?

Let's grab some dinner.

Sure.

Hey, Ron.
You want me to read you

what I have so far
in my welcome letter?

Nothing. Because you
and your jerk predecessors

didn't give me anything
to work with.

Did you print this out?

I heard the printer going.

Yes.

You could've just handed me
a blank piece of paper.

Oh! Wisdom! Finally.
Thank you so much.

You can also keep the photo.
Thanks for the memories.

Good God.
I don't remember this.

That...
That's the wrong one.

But the real one's
very bad as well.

I want you to know that I'm
replacing the "Welcome Letter"

with this ad for Yearning
by Dennis Feinstein.

So goodbye, distilled wisdom
of 50 years of experience.

Hello, disgusting
fragrance flap.

Let me buy you dinner.

No. I insist you
buy me dinner.

- Get a drink. Whatever.
- Okay.

- ID.
- I'm 24.

No, you're not.

Okay, I'm 25.

No old jokes, please.

ID.

It says right here you're 20.

You're not even
gonna show me a fake?

Sometimes the confidence
confuses people.

You're good, bro.

You know what? I think I'll just...
I'm gonna...

Hey, I know another bar
that always lets me in,

if you just wanna go there.

Uh... yeah, actually,
I should get going home.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

So, I should go home.
Clean and stuff.

But...

Yeah, okay, cool.

Yeah, I gotta go home, too.
So...

All right.

See you!

Later.

- The usual, Marta.
- Me, too, Marta.

You got it.

Oh, Ron, I really made
love to the pooch on this one.

Screwed the pooch?

I don't like that term.
It's so vulgar.

Ron!

That sucked, today. I'm sorry.
There's no other way to say it.

They're a bunch of
career bureaucrats.

What did you think they
were gonna say to you?

"Leslie, you are the next link
in a wonderful chain

"that stretches back
to when our town was founded,

"and we believe in you
and we support you

"and we'll be
following your career.

"You are the chosen one."

Or something.

Well, okay, so,
that was the problem.

No. You know what the worst part
is is I wanna be Parks Director.

But every single person who was
Parks Director hated their job

and hated everyone
they worked with.

Are we gonna hate
each other someday?

I don't think so.
I think we're gonna be fine.

Anyway, the point's moot,

because you're Park Director now
and you're not going anywhere

and I'm not making
you go anywhere.

I'm not gonna stab you in
the back or anything, so...

Maybe I should go somewhere.
Maybe I should move, to Eagleton.

Oh, God, the thought of that.

Leslie, you don't
have to move to Eagleton.

When I become City Manager,
my job is yours.

Of course, my first
act as City Manager

will be to propose eliminating
the Parks Department.

Although I expect a spirited
debate with Leslie.

Who knows what
the future holds for me?

Maybe I'll leapfrog Ron's job
and become City Manager.

Of course, my first
act as City Manager

would be to double the size
of the Parks Department.

Although, I do expect
a fight from Ron.

But I'll win.

Mmm!

Thank you, darling.

Why would anybody ever eat
anything besides breakfast food?

People are idiots, Leslie.

The wait is over!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Look what's here.

We got...

"My fellow Pawneeans...
Yes, it's here!

"The Parks Department's
Summer Catalog has arrived

"and for the first time
in 20 years, tennis is back!

"Peruse this wondrous
book at your leisure

"and take advantage of everything
this great town has to offer.

"Time is fleeting,
my fellow Pawneeans.

"Make the most of it,
while you can.

"I recently had the honor
of spending an afternoon

"with every living
former Parks Director,

"and they taught me
a valuable lesson,

"there is nothing more
important than friendship."

It's a little flowery.

Shut up.

I gotta hand it to Michael.

His water-pipe-making skills
were most impressive.

I once saw him smoke pot

out of a 20-foot length of
garden hose and a milk jug.

That guy made a water pipe
out of a stuffed raccoon.

- No way.
- No, I'm not kidding.

He made a bong out of
a taxidermied raccoon?

I caught him
smoking pot out of it

not three feet from
where we're standing.

Oh, nice shot.

Right in Clarence's
ancient junk.

In the neck!