All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S02E18 - The Possum (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Ann Perkins.
What's happening, sweetheart?

Just waiting for April.

She's taking care of my
house while I'm away, so...

That's great.
Happy belated Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day
was a month ago.

Why are you
giving it to me now?

Whatever.
Happy early Valentine's Day.

I saw this and
I thought of you.

Hope you keep that
somewhere special.

Okay. This is one of those
nanny-cam teddy bears, isn't it?

What? No. It's a regular,
camera-less teddy bear.

Just put it in your bedroom,
don't even think about it.

It's a robot bear.
It's programmed to snuggle!

I'll take it.

Donna, there's a camera in it.

I know.

All right.
That's basically it.

Water the plants, get the mail.

Can I read your mail?

No. Please, don't.

Fine.

Oh. And here are the keys,
and remember...

I know. Don't let
Tom make a copy.

That's right. Good.

I'm paying April 50 bucks to
watch my house while I'm away.

I would have asked Leslie,

but I've seen the way she
takes care of her house.

Plus, there's always been a little
distance between me and April.

And I thought this would maybe,

I don't know, give us a chance

to get a little closer.
Maybe even...

I don't like Ann.

Become friends.
Who knows?

Leslie, this is Evelyn Rowshlind,
from the mayor's office.

Oh, hello! I've always
dreamed of you.

- Excuse me?
- Meeting you.

What can I do for you?
Have a seat.

- I prefer to stand.
- Okay.

I have kind of
an odd favor to ask.

Mayor Gunderson was playing golf
last week at Pawnee Municipal,

and he brought his dog--
- Rufus.

We all know Rufus.
Everybody loves Rufus.

He's a great dog.
Continue.

Well, they were out
on the sixth hole

when suddenly,
out of nowhere...

Rufus was bitten by a possum?

Yes.

How did you know that?

It was Fairway Frank.

Fairway Frank is
this awful possum

who lives near the sixth hole
of the public golf course.

And he's actually number three

on the Parks Department's
Most Wanted Pest List,

right behind the bats, who like
to poop on the bell tower,

and Poopy, the raccoon who poops all
over the high school cafeteria.

Shouldn't you take this
up with Animal Control?

Let's be honest.
Animal Control

is not the most effective
branch of our government.

They're a bunch of
burned-out morons.

Well, you have the reputation as
a person who gets things done,

so we'd like you to
form a little task force,

find the animal
and put it down.

- A task force?
- Needless to say,

the mayor will be very
grateful for your help.

Ma'am, the next time we speak,

we shall be dancing on
the grave of a possum.

Great.

Ron will show you around.

Right this way is the exit.

Yo, police!

No, you're not.
Coffee!

You always know
what to bring me.

I only ever bring you coffee.

And it is my very favorite non-alcoholic
hot drink, except for hot tea.

And hot orange juice,
weirdly delicious.

Anyways, thank you so much.

I need it. I got a really bad
case of shoeshine head today.

Andy recently diagnosed himself

with what he calls
"shoeshine head."

It's when you shine
too many shoes

and the fumes create
a thunderstorm in your brain.

Cures include coffee,
cheeseburgers

and napping on the floor.

Mark Brendanawicz!

Hey, Ron, what's up?

I have a woodshop, and I'm
planning a little expansion.

Need my buddy, Mark the city
planner, to sign off on the plans.

Sure, I just need to
schedule an inspection.

That's not really necessary.

Yes, it is.
But you'll be fine

as long as you don't
have any code violations.

You don't have any
code violations, do you?

Nope.

Eugene! Boy, we have a really
important job for you.

We'll get to it
first thing Monday.

Today's Wednesday.

Look, this is not a request.

We're acting under direct orders
from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

Office. I need
your two best guys

to join me and
be part of my task force.

That would be Harris and Brett.

But they're not here.

- Isn't that them, there?
- Nope.

- Hey, Brett.
- Yeah?

- Dude.
- Listen,

that stupid possum is
on the golf course again.

Would you rather I capture it
myself, and then just call you,

so you can come and pick it up?
- Okay.

Hey, guys. Cool!
Hey, you want your ball back?

Want your ball back?
Come with me.

Oh, man!

How you know my name, homie?

Stop, man!
Stop hanging yourself.

I'm gonna hang yourself.

Stop hanging yourself.

It's quite a crack team
you've assembled, Leslie.

Yeah, well, there's five
of us and only one possum.

How hard can it be?

Excuse us! Task force
coming through!

Task force clear.
Resume golfing.

I used to love Tiger Woods

because he was
a great champion.

But after that sex scandal?
The man is a god!

Hey, Mark.

- Welcome to my haven.
- Thank you.

You are
the first non-me

to set foot in this
building in 10 years.

Ron, none of this
is up to code.

Sure it is. It's up to
the Swanson Code.

There's no drainage.
Doesn't seem to be any ventilation.

You've got hazardous
chemicals over here.

Yeah, which only I'm breathing.

It's the same liberty that gives me
the right to fart in my own car.

Are you gonna tell a man that
he can't fart in his own car?

There is a basket of oil-soaked
rags above a wood-burning stove.

Good thing I've got a fire
extinguisher, which, I can assure you,

is totally up to
your precious code.

This says it should be
recharged June of 1996.

Those dates are arbitrary.

They're like
those expiration dates

that the government
forces companies

to put on yogurt and medicine.

Observe.
Watch yourself.

Yeah.

Okay. I'll replace this.
Happy?

How long do you think it would
take me to learn golf, Leslie?

I could teach you.
I have a 16 handicap.

But, you know, it takes
a lot of practice.

You have to get up
early, hit the range,

practice reading greens.

Yeah, I don't
want to do all that.

I think I just want
some of those dope pants.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! It's Fairway Frank!
Wow. Okay.

All right. Tom,
I want you to very slowly...

Move!
Get out of the way!

Five, 26, 27, 28 violations.

Come on, Brendanawicz, relax.

Let me make you a canoe.

Well, I don't need
a canoe, Ron.

I need you
to fix this place up.

So, I'll give you 24 hours.

Okay, we may only get one
chance to catch this thing,

so we have to play it smart.

You two, flank the left.
I'll flank the right.

Andy will come in to...

Andy!

I got it!

- Oh, my God! Task force, engage!
- I got him!

- He's got it.
- I got him.

- He's good.
- Come on, you cowards!

Let me see his face.
Let me see his face!

That's him! That's him!
We got him!

It's okay.
He's on my neck!

Okay, okay, okay, okay!
He's on my neck!

It's all right, it's all
right, it's all right.

All right, it's okay.

You're next, Poopy.

Very impressive, Leslie.

Oh, thank you.
I had a great task force.

I was just
the simple mastermind

who planned the whole operation
and executed it to perfection.

This is Andy Dwyer, he
actually caught the thing.

Mr. Dwyer.

Please, my friends
call me Andy Radical.

No, we don't.

By day, Andy Dwyer,
shoeshine-ist.

By a different time of day,
Andy Radical, possum tackler.

And by night,

I do whatever I want.
No job.

We think that this is
a great PR opportunity.

So, we've arranged
for a reporter

from the Journal to
stop by to interview,

get some pictures of the team.

Task force. Great!

And next time
you need a special favor

from the mayor's office,
give me a call.

Oh, my God, I will!
I need so many special favors.

Which one should I choose?

Well, you don't
have to choose right...

How about an extra recycling can?
No. Laminated bus pass? No.

What time do you
usually go to sleep?

Because my best ideas usually
come to me at night.

Let's stick to business
hours, shall we?

Yeah, all right.

See you in hell, buddy.

Am I sure the possum we
caught is Fairway Frank? Yes.

Am I quite sure? No.
Am I sure enough? Maybe.

If it wasn't Fairway Frank,
would I feel badly? Of course.

Could I live with myself?
That depends.

As a city official,
it's important

that I ask myself
a lot of questions.

Does doing so
help me make decisions?

Uh...

- Oh, hey, Shauna.
- Hi, Leslie.

Hi! Andy. You remember
Shauna Malwee-Tweep,

from the Pawnee Journal?
- How could I forget?

You wrote the article
when I fell in the pit.

And then afterwards,
had sex with Mark

and everyone talked about it.

So, you're on the golf course,
and you see Fairway Frank.

Well, we see a possum that we
believe to be Fairway Frank.

So, for right now, let's just
refer to it as a possum.

Let me explain
something to you, Tweep.

When you're in a situation,

you don't have time to think.

So, I thought to myself,

"Don't think, Andy, act."

So, you weren't thinking?

Not at all.

I cannot emphasize enough
how little I was thinking.

Were you scared?

No. No, I wasn't.
Well, I...

I lived in the pit for the
better part of last year,

and made some vermin friends.

You know what?
"Friends" sounds stupid. Colleagues.

They are bad at sharing,
but they are good at tag.

Well, your family must be very proud.

What does your girlfriend think?
The nurse.

I broke up with Ann.
Yeah.

Shortly after she kicked me out

and told me we wouldn't
be together anymore.

Well, maybe this article
will change her mind.

What now?

I hadn't even
thought of that. Wow.

Of all the things I thought
would bring us back together,

catching a possum
was never on that list.

Well, let's go take some
pictures of Fairway Frank.

Of the possum.

Seriously, man, when you
wear these clothes,

you just feel better
than everyone else.

You know?

Yeah.

- Busy?
- No. What's up?

Just wanted to tell you, I
understand that city codes exist,

and I know why they exist.

And I understand
that you enforce them.

- Okay.
- Okay. Good talk.

Can you sign off
on my plans now?

Did you get
everything up to code?

Yup.

No, you didn't!
You clearly didn't!

It's my property,
my land, my shop.

Ooh. Tommy needs a banana.
You guys good?

Ron, you're
asking me to do a bad job

at my job, and I'm just
not gonna do that.

So, if you don't mind, would you
please just get out of my office?

Ooh. Silly me.
There was this little pom-pom

on my glove and it fell off.
Have you seen it?

Could you help me look for it real quick?
It should be on the ground somewhere.

When I was
putting it up. See.

So, how's your hole?

Excuse me?

The pit. Lot 48.

Oh, we're making really
good progress on the park.

In fact, there may be some big
news on that front coming soon,

all because of this very
important business card.

So, this isn't
a really big story, right?

Nobody cares
about this very much.

Well, Fairway Frank
did bite the mayor's dog.

So, this could be
on the front page.

Fairway Frank You're gonna die

You're gonna fry, oh, yeah

You guilty son of a bitch

You're gonna fry
When they flip that switch

Hey, April, can I talk to you about
this situation with the possum?

- No.
- Okay. Hypothetically, if you were going

on a mission to, say,
catch a guilty whale.

And while you were
catching the whale,

you saw something else that
may also be another whale,

and you were like,
"What?"

But then yout hought,
maybe it's not a whale.

Maybe it's a big fish. Maybe it's a
submarine with a face painted on it.

The point is,
if I kill the first whale,

am I technically a murderer?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I saw a second possum!

There was another possum!

Wait. Andy's in there
talking to a reporter,

literally kissing
his own biceps

and you're telling me
he might not be a hero,

but just some jerk that goes
around tackling random possums?

No. I've gotta help
Leslie find the truth.

Not because I'm pissed
at Andy, which I'm not.

Because I care so deeply
about possums.

Because they're so adorable.

April! Did you
see my photo shoot?

I think I nailed it.
I fell off the stool once

when I was trying
to look serious,

but I'm okay.

That's cool.
I'm really happy for you.

You are?

Man, our happy reactions
are super different.

So, he said
he's gonna e-mail me

the photos in, like, six hours.

Do you want to wait with me?

Yeah, that sounds good,
but I can't

because I have to go do something
that actually matters.

Fairway Frank's been haunting
the sixth hole for a while now.

You must know him pretty well.

Sure do.

I've chased that little sucker
off more times than I can count.

Can you just take
a look at these photos

and make sure that
it's Fairway Frank?

Yup, that's him.

Mr. Campopiano, those are photos
of three different possums.

Huh.

You guys want
something to drink?

Hey, boss. There's a possum
wandering around on the 14th green.

Should I call
Animal Control again?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Those idiots are
here from Animal Control.

They're gonna
take it away. Okay.

We need a little bit more
time to figure out the truth.

Look, I have an idea.
I'm gonna distract everybody

and then you get
that possum out of here.

Can you do that, April?
April, can you do that?

Can you get
the possum out of here?

Can you sneak it out of here?

April, can you do it?
Can you do it?

Please, April,
tell me you can do it!

Yes. Yes, I can do it.
God.

I can't kill the possum,
because it might be innocent.

I can't let the possum go,
because it might be guilty.

I can't make a good soup, can't
do a handstand in a pool,

can't spell
the word "lieutenant."

There's a lot of can'ts
in my life right now.

Let's make it happen, Captain.

Don't call me that.

You know what smells?

Help! Help, my arm looks
like it's bleeding!

Holy cow! Leslie!

Oh, boy. Oh, look how much it's bleeding.
Everybody look at it.

Everybody look over here!

I need everyone's full
attention during this.

That's a lot of blood.

It is, it's so...

- It's ketchup!
- Is it?

Jerry. Jerry.
Yes. It's ketchup.

Sentry duty is
usually approximately one hour long.

Baby meerkats do not start foraging
for food until about one month old.

Do you know them?

What do you mean that
Fairway Frank is not here?

Here's the thing, Evelyn,

we're not sure that the possum we
caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.

Leslie, whoever it is,
it's a possum.

And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the
mayor can do what he wants with it.

Does he want to have sex
with a dead possum?

- No!
- No.

He's not a monster.

He wants to stuff it and
hang it above the urinal

in his office bathroom so that little
flecks of pee can get on it forever.

Ew!

Now, Leslie,
you did a great job,

and the mayor knows
that you did a great job.

Now, where is the possum?

I'm sorry, but he's somewhere
you'll never find it

and he's gonna stay there
until the truth comes out.

And I will not
reveal his location,

no matter how much you ask me.

But I'm going to stop talking
now because I'm afraid

I may accidentally say
where it is, so please go.

This is interesting.
They put down a raccoon

that bit a jogger in
a park in Staten Island.

Wow.

And in Walnut Creek,
California,

they put down a duck
that bit a kid.

But security footage later revealed
that it was actually a goose.

- That's great.
- No, it's awful, Tom.

How would you feel if you
killed an innocent duck

and let a vicious
goose waddle free?

Tom Haverford.

Tom! It's April,

I'm at Ann's house and the possum's loose!
Okay? I need your help!

Oh, my God! It's chewing on everything!
Don't tell Leslie.

You got it.

The possum got loose
at Ann's house.

Oh, my God!

April! April, it's Leslie Knope,
from the Parks Department.

Stop ringing the
doorbell, it's making him mad.

Oh, my God!
How did this happen?

I let it out of its cage
because it needed water,

and I thought it
would just drink

out of the toilet or something,

but then it ran off and
I couldn't get it back in.

He did that, too.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, and then
I opened all the doors

because I thought it
would just go outside,

but it won't leave the house!

It must love tacky
pictures of flowers.

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm gonna fix this.

Let me just think for a second.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Where is it?
I can't see it!

No! Okay,
where did it go?

I don't know! I don't know.
Here's what we do,

we just go outside. All right?
Let's just go outside!

Get in here!

I haven't even started yet.

I know.

Thought you could
use some help.

Those city planning guys
can be real pains in the ass.

- Okay.
- I just want you to know

that I still don't
think city codes...

Ron, shut up.

Would you, please?

I'm taking a half-day off
to come and help you out

because you're my friend,
so just shut up.

No, I am bringing my workshop
up to the Swanson Code.

And if the Swanson Code
happens to overlap

with the City
Government Code...

Shut up.

I know there's a door there,
but I kind of feel like

it's going to
chew through the door

and come and jump
on my face and bite me.

- Ew. I know!
- What if it's in here?

What if it laid eggs
in the bed?

Okay, there...
There are no eggs!

You know,
we should've killed it.

It's so huge.
I'm gonna call Andy.

No.

Yeah. He tackled it
once before,

he can do it again.
- No, please don't, okay?

He's gonna be pissed at me.
I already ruined his big day,

and it's my fault
that it's in Ann's house,

who he's obviously
still in love with.

I just... I don't

want him to be mad at me, okay?

Oh. April.

He'll forgive you.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

We don't have to call Andy.

We can just call
Animal Control.

Okay.

And, April, any time you
want to talk about boys...

Oh, my God! Stop!

Yo. So, I feel like you
were mad at me yesterday

and I don't know why.

So, I made a list of
everything I did

and I'm gonna try not to
do any of them again.

Also, I got you this coffee.

And then there's this.
Fourth paragraph down.

"But Dwyer had some
help catching the possum.

"'I wouldn't have
been able to do it

"without an early-morning
caffeine boost

"'from the amazing
April Ludgate.

"'She gave me
the liquid courage I needed

"'to wrestle that beast
to the ground."'

Well, Miss Knope.
I have to say I'm very disappointed.

You didn't have to say that,
you could've just thought it.

What did you do with
the possum, exactly?

Well, I'm proud to say
that it's somewhere

the mayor can never pee on it.

It's okay.
Honestly. I mean, look.

When I retire and
I'm attending some gala

honoring the first three
female presidents in history,

myself and two other women
I've inspired,

I want to be looking back
at my distinguished legacy

and not thinking that I owe
my career to some possum.

And I want to be wearing
a huge, beautiful, blue hat!

- Thank you so much.
- Sure.

It made me feel
so happy that I knew

somebody was here
taking care of my house.

- Cool.
- So, did the neighbors

give you any problems?
- No.

- Anything in...
- Possum. There was a possum.

We captured a possum
and we brought it

into your house and it got out

and it might have
laid eggs in your bed.

What?

And it went into your laundry

and your kitchen, and it
touched all your bras

and I'm so sorry.
It's our fault.

We captured it and it got out

and it ran around and it was a possum.
Okay? April, run!

Run, April.
Sorry, Ann! I love you!

I'm gonna go.

I think that would be best.