Original subtitles

If you look inside your bags, you will find a few things.

A bouquet of hand-crocheted flower pens...

Oh!

A mosaic portrait of each of you

made from the crushed bottles of your favorite diet soda,

and a personalized 5,000-word essay

of why you are all so awesome.

What's Galentine's Day? Oh, it's only the best day of the year.

Every February 13th, my lady friends and I

leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home

and we just come and kick it breakfast style.

Ladies celebrating ladies.

It's like Lilith Fair minus the angst. Plus frittatas.

So to conclude our Galentine's Day breakfast,

it is time for the greatest story ever told.

What's the story?

It's the most romantic story ever.

It makes The Notebook look like Saw V.

Go, Mom, go.

It was 1968. I was 18

and our family went on a vacation to Bermuda.

And on the first day, I went for a swim in the ocean.

And I got caught in a very strong current.

You've heard this story before, right?

Yes, but the drama.

The next thing I felt

were two very powerful arms

whisking me to safety.

And he looked down at me and he said,

"Are you okay?"

And I looked up at him and I said, "I am now."

So they sneak out to meet each other and walk on the beach.

And two weeks later, he asked her

to marry him and move to Illinois.

But her parents thought she was too young, so she said no.

And then they lost touch, and a few years later she met my dad.

I gotta take one of those lifeguard courses.

Those guys get all the action.

- Am I right, Justin? - We gotta find this guy.

Frank? He's probably married or dead.

What's the difference? Am I right, Justin?

Well, at least let me try and find him.

Imagine how much better that story would be

if we actually reunited them.

I think Justin's right. You should let him do this.

Okay. Do it. But if you find him and he's weird,

like a ventriloquist, or a puppeteer,

or anyone who pretends toys are people,

then abort the mission.

- Absolutely. - Absolutely.

You, you're the best girlfriend ever.

Aw!

Happy Valentine's Day.

I knew, eventually, somehow,

being in a relationship with you would totally pay off.

I bought him some actual towels. He was using a bathrobe.

And I bought him some other things that humans usually use, like shampoo.

Troops, gather around. Great news.

The Senior Center Valentine's Dance

is tomorrow, from 5:00 to 9:00.

Are we talking a.m. or p.m.? Those people are old. Am I right, Justin?

Oh! Justin's not here.

It isn't just a job, gang, we're gonna learn a lot from these seniors.

Some of them have been married for half a century.

And no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love.

Divorced, dating a gay guy, divorced twice, jury's still out on you two.

And Jerry, who knows.

I've been happily married for 28 years.

You've met my wife, Gayle, many times.

Whatever.

Finally, Ann and Mark are our special volunteers,

and they will be available whenever needed.

I didn't volunteer.

Yeah, too bad. You got drafted.

Ask not what your old people could do for you,

ask what you could do for your old people.

Terminator.

What? No, JFK.

This meeting has been terminated.

That is the Terminator.

Nice.

Where am I going?

Well, hello there.

Well, hey. I got your message.

You wanted to talk?

Yes, I do.

Oh.

Have a seat.

- Mmm. - Some champagne?

Uh, no, thanks.

Come on. This is Armand de Brignac. Jay-Z drinks this.

Yeah, well, Jay-Z doesn't have to perform surgery in an hour.

You don't know Jay-Z's schedule. He's a renaissance man.

Okay, fine. Well, this is for you.

Oh!

Well, it's almost Valentine's Day,

so I thought it would be a good day to tell you that...

Okay. Let me just stop you right there.

Look, Tommy,

I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you did for me,

but I only see us as friends.

For now. But think about how much better our friendship would be

if we added doing it.

Seriously, I know our marriage was fake,

but there's something between us.

And I think we should give it a shot, for real.

I just don't feel that way about you.

I'm sorry.

Each time I do

Just the thought of you makes me stop before I begin

I've got you

Under my skin

So, there's that one, I guess.

All right. You guys sound ready for the dance tomorrow.

I don't know about these old fogy songs, Leslie.

Why can't we just do our originals?

I just wrote a new song, okay?

Bottom line, it's called Sex Hair.

It's about how you can tell when someone's just had sex

'cause of how their hair gets matted up in the back. It's awesome.

Think of it this way. These songs are exactly

like the songs you usually play,

except instead of modern rock,

they're old jazzy standards from the '40s.

Okay, yeah. You got a point.

Yeah. You're gonna do great.

All right, guys.

Andy, I've been here for half an hour.

Can I get my shoes shined?

Kyle, I'm gonna lose my on you if you ask me one more time.

Found him.

Frank Beckerson, 63.

Lives in a little town called Bridgeport, Illinois.

Divorced, no kids, worked as a lifeguard when he was 20.

Ron, I need a half a day off for a secret mission of love.

You're asking my permission to take a nooner?

Sure. Well, I don't know. Maybe.

Justin and I need to go on a romantically-inspired road trip.

So it is a nooner?

Well, we're planning to leave around noon, so I'm not quite sure...

That's... No, Leslie, that is not a nooner.

I tracked down this old flame of Leslie's mom.

We're gonna go pick him up. We're gonna reunite them on Valentine's Day.

Is that a great story or what?

Yeah, great story indeed.

Enjoy your half day off.

Thank you.

Pick you up tomorrow around noon.

For our nooner. Which is a cute word.

Explain it to her later.

Explain what?

Happy Valentine's Day.

First off, a bear in a paper bag and a heart-shaped balloon.

I love bears in bags.

Well, you will like this, then.

Because this is a giant teddy bear holding a red heart.

Aw! Festive. What's this? Oh, I don't know.

It's a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

That's a dozen red roses in a heart-shaped arrangement.

- See that? Perfume. For the lady. - Yeah. Ooh! Ooh!

"Yearning, by Dennis Feinstein."

Mmm. Ooh! Dennis. No, no, Dennis.

Finally, The Heart of the Ocean.

Gorgeous.

I never had a chance to get a girl a clich�d Valentine's Day gift before.

So I got you all of them.

Thank you. That was very sweet.

Do you think they'll get married?

Oh, my God, what if they get married?

That would be amazing.

Would I call him "Dad" then?

- Hmm. Hmm. - No, that'd be too much. Maybe I'll call him "Pappy."

Pop? Poppy? Paw-Paw?

Look at me. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hey. You never know.

I'm gonna call him "Poo-Paw."

How often do you get to reunite soul mates?

What if I told you that you could reunite Romeo and Juliet?

Or Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston?

Oh, Jen. I really want you to be happy.

Stay away from John Mayer.

I cannot believe I'm gonna meet Frank Beckerson.

I feel like I've known him my whole life.

Frank?

My God. Marlene.

Oh, no. Poo-Paw. Poo-Paw, no. I'm not Marlene.

Oh! So sorry. I should really wear my glasses. Come on in.

Frank, I was wondering.

My mom always said that you wanted to be a lawyer.

Did that work out?

No. Never did.

Though I did once act as my own lawyer.

Oh! I found some old pictures of Marlene and me. Look.

Look how young she is.

These are amazing.

Probably shouldn't show you this one.

No, thank you.

Your mom was such a firecracker. Smart, funny, sharp as a tack.

Such firm breasts.

Oh, that was inappropriate.

Wow. I am just, all of a sudden, so nervous to see her again.

I'm gonna throw up real quick and then we can leave.

- Hi. - Hi.

Valentine's bash at The Bulge tonight.

We can get you a drink bracelet.

I can't. I've gotta work at the Senior Center Valentine's Day Dance thing.

That sounds amazing. Can we come?

I guess. I don't know why you would want to.

Because old people are funny.

Yeah, it'll be like The Golden Girls.

I have to go get ready.

So, Frank, where have you been for the past 40 years?

Oh! You know, here and there. You know? Grenada, for a while.

Then Panama, then Afghanistan.

- So you were in the military? - Nope.

You know, I always wonder how different my life would've been

if your mother had married me.

It would've been better. I'll tell you that much.

Frank? Frank, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm good.

I am just so nervous to see her.

There is nothing to be nervous about.

- Have you got a bag or something? - A what?

- Do you have a bag? - I have a purse.

Well, give him the purse then.

All right.

You like potato and I like potahto

You like tomato and I like tomahto

Potato, potahto Tomato, tomahto

Let's call the whole thing off.

Uh...

I mean, that sucked, didn't it?

Maybe if you sang it like Louis Armstrong.

Maybe, yeah.

I mean, here's the thing, though.

Who is that?

My problem is I don't know how to tell if we're doing good.

Because when you play a rock show,

it's really easy to know if you're doing great

because chicks will flash their boobs at you when you're up onstage.

And you're like, "Oh! That must've sounded pretty good."

If that happens here, my eyes will fall out of my head and I'll die.

Frank? Frank, are you okay?

- Maybe we should... - Yeah. Frank.

- Frank. Frank. - Frank.

But I can't see anybody but you

Flip flop

You know, I might be crazy, but I have this weird suspicion

that things are going well with us.

You know, I have that same suspicion.

But having never been in something like this before,

I feel the need to ask, how am I doing?

Come on.

No, I'm sort of serious.

All right, fine, forget it.

I'm just saying, you know, it seems to me, on paper,

that this thing we have is pretty great.

Yes, nerd.

On paper, this thing we have is pretty great.

Mark is a great boyfriend.

I have no complaints at all. Everything is good.

I don't know. I don't feel right about this.

Are you kidding me? This is so much fun.

Look, we took a road trip today.

We chased your mom's long lost love down a freeway.

He's a loon, Justin.

So he freaked out a little bit.

He got nervous. I mean, you would, too.

He was fine by the time we got him back inside the car.

Yeah, well, he cried himself to sleep.

I mean, I don't know why you're pushing.

Why do you want him to spend time with my mom?

How would that help her?

I don't like this. I don't think this is gonna work. I'm calling this off.

Come on. No, no, no. Look, we're here. Let's just see what happens.

What happens is, I drive him home.

Now, look. You need to breathe.

I'm breathing. Okay?

Mom.

Oh!

There you are.

So, what's the big surprise?

You gonna try to check me into an old folks home?

It's a long story.

One that we'd love to tell you over a cup of coffee,

somewhere far from this place.

Frank.

Hello, Marlene.

My gosh. I can't believe it's really you.

Wanna catch up?

Sure.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Do you think we should stand by...

She's fine. Let's just let this unfold.

Come here, sonny. Let me tell you about the Civil War.

Grandpa, leave me alone. You smell like death.

I'm gonna get some punch.

Excuse me. You guys are really adorable. It's really nice.

So Leslie's like, "That's it, I'm taking him home."

So, we look over, and he's not even in the car anymore.

- You're kidding. - No. It's insane.

What does Leslie think about all this?

Oh, God, Leslie. I don't even know.

I think I just lost track of her in all the chaos.

Anyway, so, now he and Marlene

are off somewhere, doing God knows what.

I don't wanna...

You're suing me for alimony?

Yes.

When we were married, I got accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

And I'm entitled to money to maintain that lifestyle.

This is insane.

Yeah, it's insane, but it's all I got.

And you can make it all go away if you just gave me a chance.

- What? - Three dates.

One date.

Coffee?

So your plan was to sue me,

and then to use that to blackmail me into falling in love with you.

Yeah.

Hey. You guys sound good.

You really think so? It's impossible to tell.

It's like Bizarro Land out there.

As soon as we finish a song, it's dead silence.

Well, what do you expect, you know.

They're like a million years old.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

You were always a big supporter of the band.

Hey. Break's over.

Ludgate, cracking the whip.

Yeah, well, these old bags paid for some entertainment.

- So get up there. - No, you're right. Okay.

Hey, you should play that song The Way You Look Tonight.

Hmm.

It's a good one.

The next one's going out to a special little lady named April Ludgate.

Someday

When I'm all alone

Are you guys... never mind.

- Why do you care? - I don't.

Just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

What about you? What do you do for a living?

- Well, it's been an interesting ride. - Yeah?

I got a job at a grocery store right out of college

just for a way to make money.

And here I am, 40 years later, completely unemployed.

Wow.

What do you say we pick up where we left off?

You're not serious, right?

I'm serious as a heart attack.

Of which I've had four.

And the world is cold

I will feel a glow

Just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

Hey, Mom, are you okay? Did Frank leave?

Uh, yeah. He just stepped away for a second.

I'm so sorry we brought him here.

Oh, it's okay.

It was very thoughtful, sweetheart.

It's not your fault that he turned out to be...

Excuse me. Hi. Excuse me, hi.

My name is Frank Beckerson.

Marlene,

you

blew it.

Take one last look, Marlene, because you'll never see this body again.

Marlene, what happened between you two?

Tell me everything. I want every detail.

Hey, we're almost done, so we can leave soon.

Yes. I'll take you for an ice cream malted,

and then we can go choose our caskets.

God, why does everything we do

have to be cloaked in, like, 15 layers of irony?

Here's something un-ironic.

Ever since you've been hanging out with that meathead,

you've become completely lame.

You know what? We're breaking up.

Fine, then you can't make out with me when you're drunk anymore.

- Fine, then I'll make out with Ben. - Pass.

No, he's my boyfriend.

You can either make out with both of us or none of us.

- Fine, none of you. - Fine.

I've got you

Under my skin

Everything okay, Knope?

My boyfriend is a lawyer, and he's smart and interesting,

and there's a lot of things about him I like.

But he acted like a real jerk today.

I don't know. There's something about the way

he treats people or something.

He's a tourist.

He vacations in people's lives, takes pictures,

puts them in his scrapbook, and moves on.

All he's interested in are stories.

Huh.

Basically, Leslie, he's selfish.

And you're not. And that's why you don't like him.

I told you so. It's Duke Silver.

Duke, can I have your autograph? I love your music.

You're mistaken, ladies. Move along.

I got you under my skin

Yeah. Go Mouse Rat.

I thought you were just terrific.

Seriously?

You sound like Dean Martin.

If I were 50 years younger...

What? Wait. Who's Dean Martin?

If I'm not mistaken, that was the old-lady version of flashing.

Nailed the gig.

Look, it's sad, I know. But we'll still be friends.

We're gonna see each other all the time.

I come into town, like, every other weekend.

No. You guys can't break up. We can fix this. Let me talk to Leslie.

Tom, it's over. She doesn't wanna see me anymore.

Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong?

No.

Seriously, this has nothing to do with you.

Can we still go suit shopping?

Of course.

Armani's having a sale right now.

I'm gonna get you a pocket square.

All right.