Original subtitles

Okay. As everybody knows, The Spirit of Pawnee

was defaced again last night.

What was it this time?

Chocolate pudding.

Huh. That's new.

The mural that normally resides here

is called The Spirit of Pawnee.

And it's very controversial.

We've had someone throw acid at it, tomato sauce.

Someone tried to stab it once.

We really need better security here.

We also need better, less-offensive history.

So, the city council has decided that The Spirit of Pawnee

should be changed to something

just a little less horrifying.

Now, since the murals were made

by government employees back in the 1930s,

we thought it might be fun

if each department submitted a design for a new mural.

And you'll submit your concepts tomorrow afternoon.

All righty, folks? Thank you very much.

Hey, Leslie. What's your design going to be? A tree?

Joe, you work in Sewage.

Your department literally specializes in crap.

You really want to do this?

I told you before. "Crap" is a slang term. And I don't like that term.

But at least we don't specialize in losing, like you guys.

Sewage. Let's roll.

Damn! How does Sewage always get the hottest interns?

Guys, this department has the chance to design something

that could be in this building forever. This could be our legacy.

I thought building a park on Lot 48 was going to be our legacy.

Well, you can have two legacies.

Look at Madonna. Great singer, amazing arms.

Look at O.J. Simpson. Heisman Trophy winner, Naked Gun.

- Mmm-hmm. - No offense, Leslie, but I'm not an artist.

Oh, that's not true, Donna. I've seen your fingernails.

Um, I pay someone to do this.

Really? Oh, well, shoot.

Anyway, I'm ordering all of you to design a mural.

Uh, only Ron can order the whole department to do something.

- Ron, order them to do this. - Do whatever Leslie says.

Ha-haa! Okay, so here are your supplies.

I want you to go and find the spirit of Pawnee.

And make me a sketch.

And it needs to be breathtaking and moving and historical

and better than every department. And you have one hour.

Designers. Make it work.

Tim Gunn.

You, my friend, are ready to go dancing.

Thank you, sir. All right. Next?

Andrew. Looking good.

- Business is booming. - Yeah.

Hey. Ron, how about you? Need a little dog waxing?

It's only 5 bucks, and I'll let you cut in front of this guy.

- What? - Come on. Beat it.

This is Ron Swanson we're talking about.

I'm impressed with Andy. Pulling himself up by his bootstraps.

He reminds me of me.

I got my first job when I was nine.

Worked at a sheet metal factory.

In two weeks, I was running the floor.

Child labor laws are ruining this country.

Do you have a key in your shoe?

No. No, I have a bunion that's practically its own toe.

Normally, the pain howls through my loafers like a banshee on the moors.

But for these past three minutes,

it's been reduced to a faint growl.

Okay. That's neat.

Well, hey. We are all finished.

Well, that was great.

Thank you, son.

No sweat.

Next?

You shouldn't let your friends cut in line. It's not good business.

You want to know what else isn't good business?

That guy's my friend.

Right.

I'm saying you shouldn't let your friends cut in line.

All right. Sorry, pal. Here. Give me this. Next.

So, what are you looking for exactly?

I don't know, man.

"The spirit of Pawnee." That's all I got.

Here. Just give me $20 worth of art.

Just something that seems personal, that only I could have done.

Tell me about yourself.

No. Just paint.

I have no interest in art.

Let me clarify. I have no interest in non-nude images.

Dude, what the hell kind of art is this?

It looks like a lizard puking up Skittles.

I'm an abstract expressionist.

No, you're a con artist.

And I'm a guy that's out 20 bucks. Ugh. Whatever.

I'm a terrible artist.

But the Parks Department has done so much for me

that if I can help them out in any way, I will.

Oh, God.

Maybe I should just give them all free flu shots.

I know everything about this town and these murals.

And that's why this is a dream come true. Literally.

I have had a dream where I designed a mural.

But then it turned into a nightmare,

because the mural started talking,

and it came alive and it was whispering.

And I couldn't hear what it was saying,

so I leaned in close, and then it ate me.

At one point, Gina Gershon was there.

My piece is truly going to capture the spirit of Pawnee.

I never understood the term "elbow grease."

I guess it's not really grease. Just hard work.

Oh, hey, Ron. Nice, shiny shoes you got there.

Oh, hey. I was just... I think... Oh, no. Shoot.

Actually, it looks like I scuffed this one.

Do you need your money back, Ron? Because I already spent it.

Really? How did...

Never mind. I think I'll just take another full polish.

Can I cut in line again?

I feel right at home as a shoe shiner.

I have no idea what I'm doing,

but I know I'm doing it really, really well.

Okay! Let's get going with the spirit of Pawnee.

Ann, you go first.

Okay.

Um... Okay.

Well, since it's the Parks Department,

I thought I would design a pretty park.

With dogs playing. And I can't really draw,

so I just cut some stuff out of a magazine.

That looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy.

Dude, I tried.

And you failed.

It's dogs and people playing in a park. It's cute.

It's okay, sweetheart. You can't make art, because you are art.

You're beautiful. But that sucks.

Okay. Let's see yours.

Fine. Mine is amazing.

It's going to blow your mind.

Okay. This is some professional-ass art right here.

I'm not quite sure what I'm looking at.

It's abstract, Leslie.

Over here, you've got some shapes.

And then you come over to this side...

You know, it's actually kind of interesting.

Each shape is its own thing. But then when it comes together,

it really gives you a sense of

completion.

Hmm.

A piece of art caused me to have an emotional reaction.

Is that normal?

So, it's the Last Supper, but with famous people from Indiana.

Mmm-hmm.

John Mellencamp, Larry Bird, Michael Jackson,

uh, David Letterman, Vivica A. Fox.

Okay, so, here's where it gets a little dicey.

Because there's not that many celebrities from Indiana.

So, a NASCAR.

Uh, my friend, Becky. Ron Swanson.

Donna? Who's the Jesus?

That would be Greg Kinnear.

I didn't know he was from Indiana.

Yeah, you know, I read that he was.

Oh. Do you think he's the best choice for Jesus?

I mean, he was great on ER.

- Greg Kinnear wasn't in ER. - Yeah, he was.

I don't think that he was.

Who am I thinking of?

Okay. Next?

Wow. Really good, Jerry.

For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma.

- You said "murinal." - She...

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You said "murinal". I heard it.

- Anyway, she... - Jerry.

Why don't you put that murinal in the men's room

so people can murinate all over it?

Jerry. Go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

I just wanted to show you my art.

Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Disqualified!

It's pointillism. And each dot is a photo of a citizen of the town.

No one cares. At all.

Okay. So, this is a multimedia project.

First, a bunch of rats made out of garbage.

And this is a TV screen. It'll be like a big, flat-screen TV,

and it will play looped video of knee surgeries.

And then this is a human-sized hamster wheel

that will be next to the mural if we can get one.

And it will be spinning and there will be, like, a fat guy in it all the time,

like, screaming and, like, eating raw beef and, like, bleeding.

And, like, blood will, like, come out of his mouth and stuff.

And that'll be, like, right next to the mural.

I have one question. Why?

If you have to ask, you don't get it.

I don't think they really got the assignment.

If we're gonna beat all the other departments,

we have to choose something that will stand the test of time.

Like the Mona Lisa.

Or the music of Squeeze.

June 8, 1922. The Pawnee Bread Factory burned to the ground.

We lost a lot of good bread that day.

As well as several human lives.

And it also made the whole town smell like toast.

Which one resident described as "disturbingly enticing."

But I digress.

The point is we rebuilt Pawnee

to the wonderful town that it is today.

Why would you want a mural that shows people dying

when you could have shapes that come alive?

Well, because it's the most famous event in our town's history.

And people love voting for tragedy.

Look at the Oscars. This is our Holocaust movie.

This is our English Patient.

It sounds like you're exploiting the tragedy.

See, Ann gets it. Okay. Time to vote, everybody.

Cast your votes. May the best, most tragic project win.

When we started this, we were six different voices

with six ideas for a mural.

And then those six voices came together as a team.

There are no losers today.

But there is one winner, us.

The Parks Department.

Tom, the results of the vote, please.

One-to-one-to-one- to-one-to-one-to-one.

We all voted for ourselves, didn't we?

Yeah. Okay.

Third time today.

Mmm. That's a good shoeshine.

What the (fuck) man?

I... I don't know what happened. Frankly.

I emitted a noise.

The noise was involuntary.

Sometimes, a sound is just a sound. You know?

We need to whittle these down.

Can we all agree on eliminating any of these designs?

Ann's blows.

Wow. Don't hold back.

No offense, but it's a giant picture of a park. That's not art.

Well, at least it's not a fat human hamster eating meat.

You don't even work here.

Okay, guys, you both have a point.

Ann, yours was a little trite.

And April, yours was hellish and might make someone vomit.

Thank you.

Look, there's something about those shapes.

There's some emotional art right there.

Any kid could do that.

No kid could do that.

Only God could do that.

What is so great about the shapes?

He likes the shapes, okay? And he's part of the team.

So, here. Take these scissors and cut out your favorite shapes.

And then we'll put them on a new team mural.

We're going to make a new design

that takes the best parts of all of our designs.

It's like if you got Michelangelo and Andy Warhol

and Jackson Pollock and Jim Davis

from Garfield to do one painting.

Imagine how good that painting would be.

I think it's really good.

I'll be right back.

Brendanawicz! We need you for something.

Can it wait? I am so swamped here.

Ann's in trouble. We think it might be pills.

- What? - No.

That's a lie.

But this is just as important.

We need you to look at a piece of art.

Oh, God.

What is that?

This is our entry for the mural contest.

We couldn't decide on one design,

so we took parts that we all liked

of our designs, and then we just kind of smushed it into a thing.

Well, you made a camel.

You've never heard that saying?

The camel was actually a horse designed by a committee.

And what you guys have here is one ugly camel.

- Featuring Bill Paxton. - Greg Kinnear.

- Right. Greg Kinnear. - Oh!

Is Bill Paxton from Indiana?

You have to save us. You have to design something.

Leslie, I'm not an artist.

Yes, you are.

I've seen you sketch things.

Uh, yeah, like poles for stop signs.

That everybody stops and looks at.

By law, Leslie. They're required to.

Look, Mark. Please. You're the only one of us who's actually got any talent.

I know you'll do something good.

And I really, really want to win this.

Please? What are you going to do tonight?

I was going to go to Arby's and watch Frontline.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay. So, it is an old man feeding pigeons in a park.

Uh... The spirit of Pawnee? Maybe?

You got to be kidding me.

How is that better than my park scene?

It isn't. And that's saying something.

And who's the man? Is he famous? Is it Martin Landau?

Look, I have no dog in this fight.

I'm just saying that this will win.

It's nothing. It's mush.

There's not even one shape in there, Mark. Where are the shapes?

I'm not saying that this is any good.

I'm saying that this will win. It's mass appeal.

It's like what motels put up,

and it hangs there for years, and no one ever throws acid at it.

Mmm. Who did this? I like it.

Seriously? I mean...

Sorry.

Yeah. It comforts me.

That'll win.

This is garbage.

We've got to go back to the shapes.

No. This is boring.

We got to go back to the garbage.

I would take the shapes over this.

I mean, come on. I wouldn't take the shapes over anything.

I'd take Jerry's murinal over this.

No, guys. This is the one.

- What? - Sorry. Mark's right.

This is an outrage. Mark's not even in the department.

- Right. - Neither is Ann.

But Ann's hot. And that counts for something.

Whatever happened to, "We're the Parks Department! Rah-rah-rah!

"Down with the Sewage Department!"

Yeah, we spent all day here for no reason.

We have a reason. We're going to win. That's our reason.

Our designs are not going to win. Mark's might win.

How great would it be if we won, you guys?

You'll feel a lot better, I promise you, after you win.

We're going with this one.

All right. I'll see you at the presentation tomorrow.

That is an order, team. Go team!

Team dismissed.

Yes, we are a team. But I am the team leader.

So, I made a bold decision. We're playing it safe.

Hey, Knope. How's life in the Parks De-fart-ment?

Better than life in the Sewage De-fart-ment.

Which makes more sense.

Whatever.

You guys are screwed. Get used to this.

Because it's going to be hanging on the wall right outside your door

for the next 100 years.

That was pretty good.

You think they're going to win?

No. No.

They went super patriotic. It's a classic mistake.

It seems crowd-pleasing, but it's still a stance.

And in government, there's always someone who will oppose a stance.

Us? Old man feeding pigeons? No stance.

Absolutely no point of view whatsoever.

No point of view. Smart.

No. I haven't been back.

I wish him good luck in his business.

And yes, I will absolutely go back to get my shoes shined soon.

I don't, frankly, see why this is a topic for discussion.

Oh, hey, Ron. What's up?

Uh...

Andy, you know, the thing

the other day?

- Other day, other day... - Yeah.

Oh, yesterday?

I am...

That... That was... I feel...

I'm okay... You know, I'd be okay if we...

I'd be okay if we never mentioned it again.

Never mention what again?

The moan, Ron. The weird moan you made. That was super weird.

Do you not remember that?

I talked about it with the lady

who went after you for a half an hour.

She said she thought it was an animal...

Okay.

It was just an odd moment. Let's just...

Let's just not talk about it anymore.

That's what I was trying to say. But, yeah. Okay.

- Okay. - Good time.

- Ms. Knope. - Chief Konner.

What do you got there?

Well, we aren't really artists. But we gave it a shot.

It's your basic dogs playing poker,

but with an everything's-on-fire theme.

- This is my nephew over here. - Hmm.

And this is an attractive lady with a hamburger for a head.

Just some stuff we liked, you know?

Anyway, we had a lot of fun putting it together.

- Well, good luck. - Thanks.

We think it's a winner.

- Go ahead. - What?

Camel's way more fun.

I want my team back.

And my team made this hot, crazy camel mess.

So, this is what we're going to submit. Even if it means we lose.

God, I hope we win. But we're definitely going to lose.

- Probably. - All right. Let's get in there

and show them how Parks gets it done. - Yeah.

And Ann. How Ann gets it done.

Yes!

Let's go!

What are the shapes?

The shapes are awesome, is what they are. You can't handle it.

No, I actually like them.

Forgive me. Is that Michael Jackson?

Yes. The pride of Indiana.

That's right. So, it's relevant.

Who is he carrying?

Jesus Greg Kinnear.

You know, it looks like he's carrying

Kinnear into the burning building.

Oh, well, that's because he's moonwalking.

So, he should be going the other way.

That did not occur to me.

- Sorry. - So, there you go.

The Spirit of Pawnee.

We didn't win.

But neither did anyone else.

They realized it was going to cost

a ton of money to hire a muralist.

So, they're just going to restore the old one.

They're changing the title to The Diversity Express.

Oh, well.

No. No. It's not as good as the other one.

I don't know what you mean by "good."

Neither do I! Just do another one.

You know, I have actual assignments

that I have to finish for art school?

Shut up and do more art for me.

This one's racist.

It's beautiful.

I've looked at this for five hours now.

I like the green one. And the red circle right here.

I'm tearing up, man.