All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S02E07 - Greg Pikitis (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Greg Pikitis.

You're the Parks lady, right?

Yeah, that's right.
I'm the Parks lady.

Leslie Knope. And I'm here to
tell you that this year it ends.

Ugh, this kid makes me crazy.

We got a history, Greg and I.

He absolutely terrorizes
the Parks system.

Every Halloween someone
defaces the statue

of Mayor Percy in Ramsett Park.

And I know it's Greg Pikitis, but
I've never been able to prove it.

He's like an invisible,
adolescent,

James Bond super villain
criminal mastermind.

Or maybe someone
else is doing it,

but I really feel
like it's this kid.

I've got the entire Parks
Department watching you,

my boyfriend's a cop,

so don't even try it.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, I think you do.

It ends today, Pikitis.
It ends.

Today.

Thanks for stopping by, Leslie.
You look great.

Thank you. Ends today.

Hey, Parks Department.

Yeah, Ann's here.

Uh, just to remind you, tonight,
7:00, my house, in costume.

Everybody in?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Cool. Okay.

Halloween is my favorite
holiday, it's just the best.

And I don't have to work.

Hey, slutty teenage girls
dressed as sexy kittens,

pump your own
stomachs this year.

Oh, one more thing, the
people in this room now

are the people I invited, plus Leslie
and Donna, so, don't tell anybody.

- Who's not invited, then?
- Hey!

What's going on, cupcake?
Excited about the party tonight.

Oh! Oh, you're coming?
I was just about to tell you.

Jerry already told me.

Can't wait to see how
tiny your costume is.

What time does it start?

7:00.

Check this out.

These are all
the possible routes

from Greg Pikitis'
house to the statue.

That looks like something you would
find on the wall of a serial killer.

In a way, that's a compliment.

- Shows dedication.
- Mmm.

What's the big deal, anyway?
I mean, a kid TPs some statue.

And all the trees
and all the benches.

It takes us, like, 10 days
to clean his mess up.

But more importantly, Greg Pikitis
sucks, and I wanna destroy him.

Okay. Well, if you destroy
him early, please come by.

I will.

Hey! How is someone gonna be
able to get through that door?

Oh.

Oh! What the...
Are you kidding me?

Jerry!
Relax. Here.

Uh, William Percy.
One of Pawnee's greatest mayors.

And a true hero. During the Pawnee
Bread Factory fire of 1922,

he ran back into
a burning building

and saved the beloved secret
recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.

Didn't, like, 30 people
die in that fire?

He wasn't Superman.

He looks like Ron Swanson.
Is that who this is based on?

No. It's based
on William Percy.

Were you listening
to what I just said?

Yes.

Okay, Andy.
Good news.

You're officially on
the Parks Department payroll.

$8 an hour.

Commit this to memory.

You see him, you stop him.

Knock his head off
if you have to.

- Don't do that.
- Don't do that.

But I give you permission
to use excessive force.

Don't use excessive force.

Don't go overboard.

Just stop him.
By any means necessary.

- No.
- No.

Just stop him.

You know what I mean?

A week ago I had nothing.

Now, I have a part-time job.
I'm gonna make $32 tonight.

I owe Leslie everything I have.

Which, after tonight,
will be $39.

Hello, Ann.

Hey!

Am I early?

Nope, you are right on time.

I like your costume.

Oh, thanks. Raggedy Ann.

It was one of my favorite
books when I was a kid.

Hmm.

I'm a pirate.

Right.

Oh. Hey, Dr. Harris.
How are you?

- Ann.
- Thanks.

Um, this is Ron
Swanson, from the Parks Department.

I know him from that thing that I'm doing.
This is Dr. Harris.

- You're a doctor.
- Yup.

I meant your costume.

I got it.

Worlds colliding,
always awkward.

8:22 p.m. Suspect still
with friends in parking lot.

He looks obnoxious and irritating,
even from a great distance.

Uh, confirmed.

Normally, I hate
working on Halloween,

but it's nice
hanging out with Leslie.

You know, she's focused,
she's committed...

And she made out with me in my
cop car, which is pretty neat.

I shouldn't have said that.
That's clear to me now.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Remember my boyfriend
Derek, and his boyfriend Ben?

Yeah, hi. It's totally okay
that you didn't wear a costume.

I did.
I'm a straight person.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

See?

Sorry it's a little bit lame right now.
But we'll get it going.

I passed up a gay
Halloween party to be here.

Do you know how much fun
gay Halloween parties are?

Last year, I saw
three Jonas Brothers

make out with
three Robert Pattinsons.

It was amazing.

So, you're the Mark
that Ann is dating.

I suppose that I am.

We're very protective of Ann.
We look out for her.

So, you kind of dropped the ball
with Andy then, didn't you?

Aw! Andy.

I loved Andy.

Ah, such a sweetheart.
Is Andy coming tonight?

You should get back with Andy.

Who needs a drink? I do.

Suspect laughing with friends and
playing with his stupid skateboard

in a snide, turdish manner.

Turdish?

Yes. Like a turd.

Like a little turd.

Hey, listen, your scare
tactics clearly worked.

You got Andy
guarding the statue.

Why don't we go to Ann's party?

It'll be fun.

Oh. Uh...

We wanted to cover
that block anyway.

Wanted a police presence on it,

so, this is within the...
Confines of...

Sure, let's go.

- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah. We'll go by my office

and pick up my costume.
- Got it.

Can't we just fire a
warning shot over his head

as we drive by?
- No, babe. Don't touch that.

Leaving location.
Look at stupid suspect.

I hate suspect.

Where are my keys?

Looks like it's open.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Pikitis!

We've been tailing that kid
for a couple of hours.

I mean, it must have
been somebody else.

It was Pikitis.

Believe me now?

That doesn't mean
anything to me.

This is a peach pit.

Okay.

He was eating a peach when
I went to go talk to him.

- Mmm-hmm?
- This is his ace of spades.

This is his calling card.
This is what he leaves all his victims.

And it's still warm.
Okay, go and arrest him.

And send this to the lab.

We don't have a lab.

Hi, April.

Okay, you're underage.

- You're not.
- Hey.

Yeah, I'm gonna leave.

Oh. Okay.

This isn't that fun.

Didn't need to tell me that.

I'm gonna take this home.

Nobody was drinking it,
so I'm gonna take it.

- Okay.
- Gonna take this, too.

Been meaning to read it.

Okay, this isn't
strictly legal.

We can talk to him for maybe an
hour, and then I gotta let him go.

You talk to him first.
You have a scary face.

- Hey.
- No, in a good way.

- Scary cute.
- Yeah?

- Go talk to him.
- Okay.

I didn't do this, man.
I promise.

Now, son, I'm a police officer.
Okay? You shouldn't lie to me.

I'm not.
I've never been here before.

And why would I do this?

Because you've had run-ins
with Miss Knope in the past.

Just a second.

- Yeah?
- Ask him about the peach pit.

This isn't one-way glass,
you know. I can see you.

You know, I like Knope.

I screw with her 'cause
she gets all riled up,

and her face gets all
scrunched up like this.

But I like her.
She's all right.

- You see?
- What?

I spent the whole day
decorating this place,

and everybody's in the kitchen.

Why is everyone
always in the kitchen?

I think it's going fine.

It's so quiet.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

This is a total failure.
This party is a failure.

- Oh, my God.
- No, no.

It's not a failure, Ann.
Come on.

Ann, do you have any Mounds?
Because all I can find are Almond Joys.

And almonds give
me the squirts.

Hey, I'm here.
Statue's fine.

"Crappy Hallowieners.
" That's hilarious. Where's the kid?

In the conference room.
Trying to hide his obvious guilt.

Leslie, I don't know what to tell you.
I don't think he did it.

Yeah, he did.
And we need a confession.

Okay. Andy and I are
going to take a walk.

And it's gonna be just you,
Pikitis, and these pliers.

Look, I'm not gonna
torture this kid.

Nobody said torture.

Why don't you let me
take a run at him, boss?

In order to think like one of these
guys, you have to think like them.

Yeah. He's never
seen you before.

So imply that you're
someone very important

and that you can
make his life hell.

Greg Pikitis?

Would you like some boiling
hot coffee in your face?

My name is Bert Macklin.

I'm with the (fucking) FBI.

Ooh. Are these
the same kind of chips?

Ann! What's up, gorgeous!

Perfect.

Get your Raggedy
ass over here, girl.

Hey, Tom. Mad Hatter?

T- Pain, baby!

She poppin',
she rollin', she rollin'

She climbin' that pole and
I'm in love with a stripper

This is not a stripper.
It's my wife, Wendy. You remember her?

- Hi. Thank you so much for inviting us.
- Yes, hi. Sure.

She's a surgeon at County
General, and she's super hot.

Well, thank you
for being a doctor

and not coming
dressed as a doctor.

Oh, my God.
Who'd be boring enough to do that?

Ann, what happened here?
Did you tell everyone

they're gonna have to get a bone
marrow transplant tomorrow?

They look miserable.
This party's a disaster.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

- Don't worry about it.
We can fix this. - Totally.

Give us a second.

- Looks like Andy's
wearing him down. - Shut up!

I'm gonna go finish him off.

That is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Why don't you just
shut up for a second?

What's going on in here?

He's a jerk.
He's being such a jerk.

That's an awful thing
to say to a human being!

Are you crying?

No, I am not crying, okay?

I'm allergic to jerks!

Okay. Andy, out.

Fine, and I don't even care!
It's stupid...

Okay. The gloves
are coming off.

What's that?
I think you know what that is.

When I came to visit you at the
school, you were eating a peach.

Then my office gets vandalized,

and somebody leaves
a peach pit on my desk?

I don't think that's
a coincidence, Greg.

Wow, you nailed me.

I mean, there's no way
that two different people

could have eaten the same fruit

in the same day, in the
same area of Indiana.

Never mind that I was actually eating
a plum when you saw me earlier.

I know you did this.
I don't care what you say.

I don't care that you were
in the parking lot all night.

Somehow you found
a way to get in here...

Wait, wait, wait.

How did you know that I was
in the parking lot all night?

Because I followed you, genius!

If you followed me all night
then you know that it wasn't me.

Knope, what is your problem?

Look, I have been very civil.

But I will waterboard you.

No, no.

I don't think she
would make a good cop.

I would be frightened
to live in a town

that she's the cop of, frankly.

What are you doing?

Ann, do you want me
to liven things up or not?

- Of course I do.
- All right, then relax.

And turn off all the lights
that don't have colored bulbs.

All right, y'all! Take the pigs in
the blanket and put them to sleep!

It's time to get wild!

Get this furniture out of here,
y'all, we're making a dance floor.

Come on, y'all. Put the turkey wraps down.
We're about to get wild.

Ron Swanson's
in the building, y'all!

His mom's gonna be here soon.
Please, Dave, just arrest him.

On what charge?

Just handcuff him to something.

Greggy? Greg!

- Gregsy!
- Mom!

Mrs. Pikitis? Hi, I'm Leslie Knope,
this is Officer Sanderson.

Bert Macklin, FBI.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

You can't just hold a 16-year-old
kid against his will.

Well, we were trying to question
him about this vandalism.

- Do you have any evidence?
- Yes.

- No. No. We don't.
- Two words, peach pit.

- Peach pit?
- His DNA is all over it, I assume.

- We don't know that.
- We can get it tested.

- We can't.
- And if it matches your DNA,

then you're going away for a long time.
- It won't.

Is this a joke?

- No.
- I'm calling your shift commander.

Monday morning,
I am calling your boss.

I don't know who
to call about you...

The President of the
United States of America.

Fine. And if any of you
ever come near my son again,

I swear to God I will sue you
and everyone in this building.

Come on, honey.

Let them think they've
lost us. Then we're...

Where are you going?

I gotta go tell my boss why I
illegally detained a teenager.

I shouldn't have gotten
involved with this.

It's just...
It's just bad police work.

Yeah, it was bad
FBI work, too. My bad.

Tonight, the "T" in T-Pain
stands for Tom Haverford!

Nurses versus doctors.
On my mark,

three, two, one.
- Go!

- Vodka!
- Go!

Son. That is one
hell of a costume.

Thanks.

Damn, that's good.
Nice party.

Thanks.

Why would anyone do this?

Kids are kids. Everybody does stupid
stuff like this in high school.

I didn't.

Yeah, but you were probably
a nerd, though, huh?

- Hey.
- Leslie, I mean that in a good way.

Look at you now.
You're the coolest person I've ever met.

I even met John
Cougar Mellencamp once.

Andy, why don't you go home?
I'll finish cleaning this up.

No way. I mean,
you got me a job

and you're helping me
turn my life around.

I go home when you go home.

Uh, it's city planning.
It's mostly like regulating things

and just making sure
people obey the city code.

You wanna get out of here?
Go back to my place?

What? No. I'm dating Ann.

Good. That was a test.
You passed.

Let's celebrate you passing the
test, over a drink, at my place.

No. Still no.

You passed the second test.
But we're still watching you.

So, you wanna get out of
here, go back to my place?

Hey. Ron.

Hello, Wendy.

Well, you and Tom really
turned the party around.

We have a good time together.

Tom told me that you know about
our green card marriage.

And I just want to say thank
you for not telling anyone.

No worries. I'd hate for you
to have to go back to Canada.

All that socialized
medicine up there.

Wendylicious.
Where have you been?

I was just thanking Ron.
For, you know, not telling anyone.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.
That was cool of you.

You know, you won't have to
keep it a secret much longer,

because in a few months we can split
up without raising any eyebrows.

And we'll invite you
to the divorce party.

Huh, maybe Greg is innocent.

If that's the case, then
there's another kid out there

who's tormenting me.

Maybe.

I believe that you're innocent

until proven guilty
in this country.

That's the cornerstone
of democracy.

Sure.

On the other hand, Greg
Pikitis is a little punk.

And I kind of
wanna TP his house.

Let's do it.

Wait, wait! Wait, wait!
This is fun! This is fun! What do I do?

You just grab the toilet paper,

unroll it a little bit
like this,

and throw it on the tree.

This is for Mayor Percy!
This is for the Parks Department office!

This is for pooping
on the handball court!

Yeah! This is really fun!
But I don't condone it!

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

You're the man, Swanson.
Thanks for coming.

Ann!

Dude. Thank you so much.

- I don't even know what to say.
- Don't mention it.

Also, Tom, your wife is super cool.
So, well done.

Yeah, she's pretty
great, right?

Yeah. I don't know how you landed
that chick, but she's awesome.

Nice work. You're lucky.

- Hi, you ready to go?
- Yes.

All right. Thank you so much.
We had so much fun.

Bye, thank you.

About to head home
and have crazy sex.

That's cool. I don't...

Yeah!

Five-O! Five-O!

I see you in there, Andy.

Leslie? What are you doing?

Oh, boy.

That's them, Officer!
Right there!

Oh, my God. Oh, no.

I'm so sorry, I think we
have the wrong house.

Why are you doing this?

It's really hard to explain,

but we were trying to get revenge
on this kid, Greg Pikitis,

and we thought
this was his house,

but I guess we got
the address wrong.

I'm Greg's mom.

- You are?
- Yes.

Oh.

Did he hire a fake mom again,
to get him out of trouble?

- What?
- Whenever he gets in trouble,

he goes on Craigslist
and hires a woman

to play his mother
and bail him out.

Oh, that little SOB!

Greg! Gregory!

I knew it!

Oh, my God.

Dude. That kid is amazing.

He's not in his room.
I don't know where he is.

I do.

Make sure you...
I need more, man.

- Hey!
- Yeah!

- Let them go!
- Yeah!

Stay on the leader!

Cut it!

I am gonna wring your neck!

How did you get into the Parks Department?
I have to know.

Maybe the FBI
can figure it out.

I'm not even
in the FBI, stupid.

- Wow, you're amazing.
- Hey!

You're going to jail
for a very long time.

- You can't...
- He's not gonna go to jail, you know.

- He's a minor.
- Well, we'll let the jury decide.

There's not gonna be a jury...

Then the judge will
decide where he goes.

Look. He's going
to do probation,

he's a minor.
- Dave, just let me have this.

Wow.
Nice work, Knope.

Yeah. That is amazing.

Thanks. But the thing that's driving
me nuts is, how did he do it?

If you destroy him early,
please come by.

I will.

How is someone gonna be able
to get through that door?

Oh! What the... Are you...

I mean, we were here all afternoon.
How did he get in?

First of all, we always lock
the doors when we leave.

And Dave and I tailed Pikitis

from the moment he left
his house at 7:00 p.m.

to the moment
we came back here.

Does he have
a lookalike or something?

Did he have an accomplice?
I mean, did he have help?

How did that little turd do it?