All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S02E06 - Kaboom (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

We noticed abnormal
activity on your credit card,

so we just need you to confirm or
deny some of the recent charges.

Okay. Thank you.

$20 to Netflix?

Yeah.

$20 to Blockbuster Online?

Both?

I needed all eleven disks of
Gossip Girl at the same time.

$120 in tuition to Hogwarts
School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?

They give you a little wand,
and a diploma. It's fun.

- What did you major in?
- Potions.

You know, I'm gonna take
you off speakerphone.

Go ahead.

Jessica Simpson
clip-in hair extensions?

No. Okay... Um,
I wore those once.

It was a money-back guarantee,
but I forgot to return them.

Man Pillow,
the pillow shaped like a man?

Oh, God.

Also something
called "Bucket of Cake."

Yeah, you know what?

I think someone definitely
stole my credit card.

So why don't you
just cancel it?

Do you wanna hear
what else they purchased?

Yes. No, you don't have
to refund anything.

Just cancel the credit card and we'll
all go on with our lives. Thank you.

So, what does
a Man Pillow look like?

Daniel Craig.

It's for my lower back.

My name is Keef,
and I am your friend.

Are you guys my friends?

Yeah.

All right! Awesome!

It is playground time!

Well, we're here in Eagleton.
It's two towns over.

And we're all
volunteering for Kaboom,

a service organization that says
it builds a playground in a day.

High five!
High five! High five!

I never trust anything
that comes that quickly.

That's why I don't
eat Minute Rice.

So this whole "build
a playground in a day" thing,

I mean, that's just
a slogan, right?

Nope. One day, 24 hours.

Keith that is so incredible.

I work in parks, and I know
how hard it is to get something done.

Not if you have
the Kaboom spirit.

You can look at a problem,
and you can either go,

"Oh, this is a problem"
or you can kaboom,

blow it up and turn
it into something great.

You literally
kaboom the problem.

Come on, people!
I see more ground than playground!

- Kaboom.
- Don't do that.

One, two, three.

Man, this is tough.

Yeah, but just think of all the
kids that'll swing on this swing,

fat kids, skinny kids,
brainiacs, sluts,

the gay drama kids, goths,
jocks, the alternative crowd.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Leslie. Hi.

Whoa. Ann.

What are you doing here?

Oh! I'm volunteering.
I love to volunteer.

The key to volunteering?

A lot of pockets.
For putting all the food in.

The Red Cross
has amazing cookies.

I go there all the time.
Meals On Wheels was a bonanza.

Suicide Hotline,
surprisingly lame spread.

I thought I'd give back to those
less fortunate than myself.

- You live in a pit.
- Not anymore.

Living with the drummer
of my band.

Living indoors, pretty cool, not to brag.
Kind of hard not to.

Anyhow, got to go,

me and an old Asian lady are
double-teaming some monkey bars. So...

Hey, look. I got a remote control
and I'm controlling you.

Go faster. Go faster.
Go faster, Ron's the master.

Well.
You have been officially kaboomed.

Whoa. Look at you two
and your big kabooms.

Great job. I got gifts.

- Oh!
- There you go, for you.

- And one more for you.
- Thank you.

So, you guys gonna join us
tomorrow in Muncie?

No, I wish, but back
to the real world.

At least you guys will be
kabooming somewhere, right?

Remember, you take a man
kabooming, he kabooms for a day.

But you teach a man how to kaboom.
Kaboom, kaboom, kaboom.

Oh, I'm so pumped.
Feel I could take on the world.

I could prep, like,
a thousand diagnostic tests.

- In an hour.
- That's the spirit.

There it is, the pit.

Hmm.

There's something
I wish I could kaboom.

Well, we are.
It's just a slow-boom.

A slower,
more deliberate kaboom.

Yeah. Totally.

- See you tomorrow.
- Okay.

You know what this mess is?

This is a list of things
we have to complete

before we fill in the
pit behind Ann's house.

You know what this is?
This is a kaboomer.

Jerry, did you use
permanent marker again?

I'm sorry, guys, I...

- I just grabbed the wrong...
- This is a big...

- I grabbed the wrong...
- This isn't gonna... Open very big, Jerry.

Okay. Forget it.
Let's all pretend Jerry wasn't born.

And this is clean.

How do we speed up the process?

How do we kaboom it?

Rules, codes,
permits, red tape.

I never realized how frustrating
it is to be in the government.

In my next life, I'm going
into private industry.

Maybe strip mining.

Okay, everybody take out their
thinking caps and rip them up.

Then take out your doing caps,

'cause we're gonna
do something today.

I have a couple of doing caps in my wallet.
That's what I call condoms.

Come on, Tom. Focus, please.

How do we cut
through the red tape

and how do we get this
pit filled in? Ideas?

We need to cut through the red
tape and get the pit filled in.

Yes, Tom. Good. Okay, everybody
else needs to participate.

Come on, guys. These suggestions
aren't gonna suggest themselves.

Yes, Jerry.

This idea better be good.

- Ann?
- I support you.

- Good.
- You could petition

to expedite the Architecture
Review Board process.

Mark, buddy,
you're not listening to me.

I want to kaboom it. Okay?

Can I talk to you
outside really quick?

Sure.

Mark's gonna help me, so
thanks for nothing, Jerry.

Good job, Ann.

- So you really wanna get
this pit filled in? - Yes.

And you'll do
whatever it takes?

Mark, I am so sick
of moving like a slug.

I want to move like a cheetah.

Or a slug driving
a remote controlled car.

Something more plausible
than that, but fast.

Would you break the rules?

I won't murder.

That's good to know.
But it's actually very simple.

If you wanna fill in the pit,
just go fill it in.

Don't ask for permission,
ask for forgiveness.

Oh, I like that.
Okay, wow.

So who gives me the go-ahead
to not ask for permission

but ask for forgiveness?
Is it Ron? - No, no, no.

No. It's nobody.
It's nobody, it's you.

You have to be bold.

Okay.

Okay, look.

You wanna get
the pit filled in?

Go rent a bulldozer
and fill in the freaking pit.

Hey.

What's up?

Say you had a friend who
wanted to do something good,

but a little risky, and she
was kind of nervous about it,

and this friend is me.
What should I do?

Mmm. You should do it, and you
should ask your friend to help you,

because your friend totally has your back.
And that friend is me.

You'll help me?

Of course, I'll do
anything I can to help.

Let's do it.

Okay.

What are we doing?
Is it dangerous?

We're not gonna murder anyone.

It was crazy. I didn't get a single permit.
Nobody stamped anything.

All I did was order a backhoe,

and it came with
a guy who runs it.

I've never rented a guy before.

I wish I knew
about that during prom.

There was a girl at my prom who
was known as "the back ho."

Mary Dunbar.
She'd let anyone massage her back.

I'm so excited
we're doing this.

And we're doing it
without permission.

We're giving
ourselves permission.

Look, I had these
hard hats made.

Check it out. Kick, Ass.

- I'll take that one.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, Ann,
this is so cool.

- Do you feel giddy?
- Yeah.

I'm so proud of us.

Miss Montague, you ready?

I didn't wanna tell him
my real name, you know?

Yeah.

First, speech.
Is important moment here.

We are about to fill this
hole now, not with dirt,

but with the courage
of a thousand lions

and the solemn memory
of all of our friends

who have fallen in
this cursed hole.

Dump it!

Ugh! What the (fuck)?

Andy?

I'm okay.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Well, that beeping
was sure annoying.

But this is even more annoying.

I'll handle this.

The monitor is not a toy, Andy.

Anything is a toy
if you play with it.

I'll chalk that up
to your concussion.

The good news is
your CAT scan's clear.

- Cool.
- Andy, I'm really happy you're okay.

Leslie was worried, too.

We should've checked before
to see if you were home.

Oh, no, I told you.
I moved out of the pit.

I just had to go back because
I forgot my headphones.

Then I laid down on
this really comfy tarp,

I saw an old cereal box I hadn't read
before, so I must have drifted off.

Next thing you know...

Dirt.

Scooch up for one sec.

And back down.
There you go.

Ah!

That is perfect.
It's like I'm lying in a cloud.

This is awesome.

Ann and Andy,
just like old times.

The pit works
in mysterious ways.

I'm sorry about Andy, but I'm
not sorry about what I did.

What's my crime? I got bold?

- And a little negligent?
- Knope!

My office! Now!

Hey. Can I smoke in here?

You don't smoke.

Just asking if I can.

Are you high?

I'm high on kaboom.

Don't ask for permission,
ask for forgiveness.

That's right. You never did ask
me for permission, did you?

Well, I'm sorry to
burst your k-bubble,

but I just had my ass k-handed
to me by the City Manager.

And now this entire
department is k-screwed.

Ron, I'm so, so, so sorry.

What the K-(fuck)
were you thinking?

I would prefer that she
ask me for my permission

so I can say no.

I like saying no.

It lowers their enthusiasm.

Hello. So, I brought
you some clean clothes

that I found at my house.

Oh, my God.
My sexy sweater.

It has a hole cut out over the bicep.
Thank you.

No problem.

No, A-Cakes,
seriously, thank you.

You're welcome.

No. Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no.
What... What are you...

What do you think is
happening right now?

A tragic accident reignited feelings
you thought were long dead,

and we are finally
back together.

Andy, we're not back together.

You know that
I'm kind of with Mark now.

Oh, God.
Is that still happening?

I don't get it.
What does he have that I don't have?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Everything. He has, literally,
everything you don't have.

A job, a car, a steady
income, an address,

a second pair of shoes,
table manners,

the ability to say
"tampon" without giggling.

Mark has his life together.

I'll get you a different nurse.

It's awful
what happened to Andy.

But sometimes when you make an
omelet, you got to break a few eggs.

What's the alternative?
No omelets at all?

Who wants to live
in that kind of world?

Maybe birds.
Then all their babies would live.

Miss Knope?
Miss Knope.

Hi. Scott Braddock,
City Attorney.

Hey, Scott. I didn't know that
you were friends with Andy.

I never met him.

What I do know is that he could
sue us at the drop of a hat.

I mean, right now, he's the
most dangerous man in Pawnee.

Is that all you
lawyers think about?

Lawsuits, and laws
and legalese?

- Yes.
- Yeah. Well, you can relax.

All I'm gonna do
is go in and just say,

"We are so sorry,
it's entirely our fault..."

No, no, no, no.
You can't say any of that.

It admits liability.

You can't say "I'm sorry,
" or "I apologize."

It implies guilt.

That's insane. I have to apologize.
Andy was a victim...

- Can't say "victim."...
- of an extremely unfortunate situation.

Can't say "unfortunate," and
you can't say "situation."

I can't say
the word "situation"?

No. It implies
there was a situation.

Can I give him the pig?

Yeah, the pig's fine.

- Hi, Andy.
- Hi, Leslie.

- I got this for you.
Hope you squeal better. - Aw!

This is my friend Scott.

Hi, Scott.

Mmm-hmm.

Andy, I just wanted
to say, I am so, so...

Mmm-mmm,
mmm-mmm, mmm.

Filled with emotions,
as any person would.

What?

No miming.

Uh...

You were in the pit.

We're not conceding that point.

You were in a place.

We're both here now.

- The government...
- No, no. No.

- We got to go.
- What?

- Let's go.
- Why?

Wendell Adams.
I'm Andrew's attorney.

Andy, no.

It's my only option.

Andy, stop.

I've advised my client
not to speak with you.

He's suing the City of Pawnee.

Andy, you're suing
your hometown?

Andy, no.

Look, can we just
talk about this?

Leslie, no.

This is terrible.

Don't say "terrible."

Don't look back.

Hello?

Andy, it's Leslie.

Hello?

Hello? Andy, it's Leslie.

Psych. Leave a message
after the beep.

Andy, it's Leslie. Look.

What did you mean when you
said it's your only option?

I think we should talk.
Without lawyers present.

If you wanna meet,
just put a white chalk "X"

on the mailbox across the
street from City Hall.

Or call me back.
Just call me back.

Andy, why aren't you
returning my calls?

Is it because of your lawyer?
It's because of your lawyer.

Hey, Andy, it's your aunt,
your mom or dad's sister.

I don't know how to tell you
this but your uncle has passed.

He's with Jesus now.

So we're having a memorial
in 30 minutes at City Hall.

Hey! Free guitars
at City Hall! Everybody run!

Because of a local disaster,

you, Andy Dwyer,

must go to the evacuation
center at Pawnee City Hall.

Hmm.

That was weird.

How long have you been there?

I promise that Andy
isn't suing just for the money.

Leslie, the man
lived in a pit. Okay?

He couldn't find a place to
live on the Earth's surface,

so he went under the ground.

You're dealing with a grown
man who thinks like a gopher.

I feel like if I could get past the lawyers
and find out what's really going on,

I think I could get
him to drop the lawsuit.

- Ann, is that you?
- Hey.

We need to talk
somewhere private.

Oh!

Baby, I'm back.

Thank you so...

- Why are you naked?
- Oh!

Well, because of what you said.

- We're getting back together.
- No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

You should've heard the super
sexy stuff she was saying to me.

I said, "Hey, Andy. It's Ann.
Can we talk at my house?"

That's not how you said it.
You were like,

"Hey, Andy. It's Ann.
Can you talk at my house?"

Oh, my God, you are
such a baby. Ugh! Literally.

Big, naked baby.
Put clothes on.

You know what?
I should have seen this coming.

Has he showed up naked before?

Oh, yeah. Anniversaries,
birthdays, holidays. Good luck.

- Where are you...
- Hey, Ann. Just...

None of your clothes fit me.

So I'm putting an apron
over the front stuff.

Is she gone?

What did you mean when you said
this was your only option?

Well, I'm completely broke,

and my lawyer said it could
be worth upwards of $100,000.

I just can't believe that you're
suing just for the money.

I want Ann back, and she said she
really needs a guy with a lot of money.

That doesn't sound like Ann.

Well, I can't
really do her voice,

but she said she likes Mark because
he's a grown-up with a bank account.

I put two and two together.

$100,000, I could probably
get a bank account.

Sometimes, I think the right thing
to do is to not take shortcuts.

I mean, look, I tried to fill in
the pit, that didn't work either.

Fine. I'll get a job.

Ann will respect that.

I can make six bucks a day
playing guitar on the street.

I can't make six bucks a day.

Wait a second.

I know I just said that
maybe shortcuts are bad,

but I kind of just thought
of an awesome shortcut.

Mr. Dwyer, we're very happy
that you're dropping the suit.

Yeah, it's really terrific.

- I have my conditions.
- No. Never.

I will not negotiate
with greedy street people.

Wait, Leslie.
Let's hear him out.

We planned this.

Kaboom.

All right.
What's it gonna take?

One, I want that
pit filled in, sir.

Is there a two?

A guaranteed starting spot

in the Indianapolis Colts,
inside linebacker.

Well, we can't accomplish that.

I think that Andy seems like he doesn't
care so much about the second one,

and he would be fine with
us just filling in the pit.

What do you say, Scott?

Yeah. I mean, eventually,
we're gonna fill in the pit.

"Eventually"?

I've already been injured
in that thing twice.

And I could fall in 10 more
times by "eventually."

Every time I walk
past that pit,

I'm forced to relive the most traumatic
two separate days of my life,

and wanna sue you again.

Well, I hate to say it,

but it really seems like Andy has
us over a barrel here, Scott.

Yeah.

This is really happening.
I just can't believe it.

Oh, sorry. Usually, in these
situations, a person says "pinch me."

Is that Andy?

Ah, yeah. Just one of his conditions
for the settlement, I guess.

- He settled?
- Yup.

Gave up $100,000 probably
just for one thing,

the city fill in the pit
behind your house.

Why?

Who knows?

Who knows why that gopher
does what he does?

You always hated this pit!

Goodbye, pit.
Hello, lot.

How does taking
risks make me feel?

Amazing.

Tingling sensation throughout my whole body.
I feel flushed.

My muscles are relaxed, yet I feel awake.
Just waves of pleasure.

I wish there was something physical
that could make me feel this way.

Wow, you did it.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- There's so much more to do.
- Oh, my God, we're so close.

Yeah.

I'm gonna call Kaboom, and check on
their availability for next year.

Great.

Information.

Hi, yes, I'd like
the number for Kaboom,

the national playground
building charity.

I hope they can work us in.

Sorry, there's no
listing for that name.

What? Are you sure?

"Kaboom" is a word I made up.
It's not in any dictionary.

I trick people into
building playgrounds

on empty lots
in their neighborhoods.

It's an elaborate prank.
For my next prank,

I'm going to build a hospital
in a poor part of China.

They'll never see it coming.