All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S02E02 - The Stakeout (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

I just want to check
one last time

that you're okay
about this date with Mark.

Oh, my God. I'm so fine with it, Ann.
Seriously. It's so fine.

As long as you and I are cool.

You know my code.
Hoes before bros.

- Uteruses before duderuses.
- Got it.

Ovaries before brovaries.

You make such good coffee.

Look, I know you're saying
you're okay with it,

but I've been in
this position before,

and I had a friend
who dated an ex,

and I said I was okay, but I wasn't, actually.
It was kind of weird.

But the thing is,
Mark isn't my ex.

You know, we slept
together six years ago.

Anyway, I'm over it.
Or am I? I'm just kidding.

This is one of my
greatest brainstorms ever.

A community garden, right
in the middle of the pit.

We're encouraging people to just come
out and plant whatever they want.

And Tom and I sometimes get
here early and help out.

It's so hot. I had to
get some more iced tea.

People have just
really embraced this

and planted the coolest stuff.

And Tom is our
master horticulturist.

He knows all the scientific names
for everything. Right, Tom?

- Yeah.
- Like this. What's this, Tom?

Those are, of course, tomatoes,
or Soulja Boy Tell 'Ems.

Whenever Leslie asks me for the
Latin names of any of our plants,

I just give her
the names of rappers.

And those over there?

Those are some Diddys.

Those are some Bone
Thugs-n-Harmony-ums right here.

Growing beautifully.

Those Ludacrises
are coming in great.

Look, someone planted something new.
What's this?

What do you think, carrots?

If that's true, we have a
garden pest on our hands.

Maybe some kind of spice?

Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to
figure out what kind of spice that is,

just roll it up into
a joint and smoke it.

Ron, did you get my texts?

No.

- Did you get my emails?
- Mnm-mn

Did you see that I paged you?

- I did not.
- Did you check your voicemail?

I didn't.

We have a criminal emergency
on our hands.

Someone planted a gateway
drug in the community garden.

Okay. Call the cops.

That'll leak to the press.
Then there'll be an investigation,

and they'll find my
fingerprints on the manure,

and then we'll
lose our funding.

You don't have funding.

And we never will
if this gets out.

Look, I will call the cops,

but just give me one day to deal
with this internally, okay?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

And listen,
if this thing blows up,

I was never here.

I have a hernia.

I've had it for a while.

And I've been ignoring it,

successfully.

But this morning,

I made the mistake of sneezing.

But as long as I sit still
and don't move my head,

or torso,

I'm good, I got this.

We need to find out
who we're dealing with.

Who is this person?
Who is this kingpin?

It's a 13-year-old kid named
Stevie, who likes to get high,

and make his Transformers look
like they're having sex together.

I would like to be
President someday,

so, no, I have not
smoked marijuana.

I ate a brownie once.
At a party in college. It was intense.

It was kind of indescribable, actually.
I felt like I was floating.

Turns out there wasn't
any pot in the brownie.

It was just an insanely
good brownie.

You know, if we catch him,
then we avoid a scandal.

'Cause we flip the headline,
and it's not

"Community Garden
Infested With Pot."

It's "Brave Public Servants
Rid Neighborhood of Drugs,

"Earn Praise from Mayor,
comma, Everyone."

We got to catch this guy.
Get the van, meet me at 7:00.

It's stakeout time.

April?

- Yeah?
- Get my lunch for me, please.

Okay.
Like, order you something?

No, get it. From there.

Is this some kind
of weird power trip?

Please.

Thank you.
That'll be all.

You're welcome.

I have stakeout supplies.

This is stuff that we're
probably going to need.

We have notepads,
pencils and pencil case.

Shakable whipped cream.
Cameras. Pork.

And candy necklaces.

It's like we're real police.

And I made us a mix CD.

It's all filled with songs
about people watching people.

It's mostly Sting.
And look, I put our faces on there.

It's really cool.

Are you going to
wear that shirt?

Yeah. You like it?

Tommy Hilfiger?

No. Tom Haverford.
I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed.

Here you go.
Everyone thinks it's Tommy Hilfiger.

Well, here. You should be
wearing something like this.

Take this.

Wear black.
Black is what you wear on a stakeout.

Okay, I have to figure out how this works.
Just let me focus up on this.

Pretty bummed this fits.

Okay, now I need to just take a
test shot and see how this goes.

Test shot. You ready?
Just focus up on the pit. All right.

- Stop.
- Focus up right where the...

- Stop.
- Focus up right where the weed is...

Stop. Stop.

Leslie swears it's okay.
So I'm going out with Mark.

I got to get back out there.

When Andy and I used
to go to the movies,

he would always try to guess
the ending of the movie.

And he would always guess

that the main character had
been dead the whole time.

Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Oh, look. It's Mark.

- What are you doing?
- What?

I'm just checking to make sure
this lens works. Good. Yeah.

- Hey, Ann.
- Hey.

So, you ready to go?

Oh, no. I need another
hour to get ready.

Seriously? 'Cause I think
the movie starts in like...

Oh, you're joking
around right now.

Wow. This is going
to be fun.

Yeah, well, you know,
with a body like this,

you don't get the brains, too.

- Ew!
- Silly.

Whoa! Are they dating now?
Brendanawicz is the man.

This is Brendanawicz's life.

Hot chick from the newspaper,
hot chick from the post office,

hot chick from the hospital.

Her name's Ann. You know her name.
Her name's Ann.

I'm just saying.
Nobody turns him down.

I did.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I did.

We were drunk, and he tried
to kiss me, and I said,

"No, sir, Mark Brendanawicz.
I don't need your business here."

Get down.

Working late?

Yeah.

Shovel guitar, shovel guitar

Somebody wants to
play shovel guitar

Leslie's been
playing shovel guitar

for about an hour now.
Longer.

Bucket drum, bucket drum

You're not from here, right?

No. I'm from
South Carolina.

But you moved to South
Carolina from where?

My mother's uterus.

But you were
conceived in Libya, right?

Wow. No. I was conceived in America.
My parents are Indian.

Where did the name
'Haverford' come from?

My birth name is
Darwish Sabir Ismael Gani,

and I changed it to Tom
Haverford because, you know,

brown guys with
funny-sounding Muslim names

don't make it
really far in politics.

What about Barack Obama?

Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama.

If I knew a dude
named Barack Obama

was going to be
elected President,

yeah, maybe I wouldn't
have changed it.

Oh, did you hear that noise?

Oh, my God.
It's the kingpin!

Write this down.

Okay, white male,
light brown hair.

Just take pictures.

Oh, my God, it looks like Andy.

That is Andy.

That is Andy.
Andy is the kingpin.

Andy. Come here.

Oh, hey, you guys. What are you doing here?
It's so good to see you.

Quietly.

What happened?

You're living in the pit now?

For now, yeah.

It's awesome. Somebody just
planted a garden down there.

Fruits and vegetables, so I'm
getting a lot of vitamins...

But that's our
community garden.

Yeah, and someone planted a whole
mess of weed next to the tomatoes.

Oh, don't look at me.
There's weed down there?

I thought that was
the tops of carrots.

Right, I know. Me, too.
Listen, we're on a stakeout, okay?

So why don't you come
to the van and help us?

We're trying to catch the guy.

And maybe you could tell us
what you've seen.

I was supposed to have a rock
fight with this crazy guy.

He's like 20 minutes late.

- All right. Let's do it.
- Okay.

Do you live here?

April?

Yeah. Do you live here?

No.

Catch.

Yeah, I thought so.

I went home, but I
had this strange feeling

that there was
something wrong with you,

so I came back.

It's just a minor
medical issue.

AIDS?

No. I'm safe.

Blindness?

No.

Is it like a parasite or a virus
or something you get from a bee?

I have a hernia.

Do you have syphilis?

I said it's a hernia.

I know.

It's possible to
have two things.

Do you need a ride
to the hospital?

Yes, please.

Okay.

But I rode my bike here, so I have to
go home and get my dad's station wagon.

Thank you.

Bye.

Are you still here?

Yeah. I just wanted to
see if you could tell.

Are you still here?

It is really great to have
somebody to talk to. Man, oh, man.

So how's Ann?
She's doing good?

Oh, I miss her so much, it's ridiculous.
How's she doing?

Doing good tonight.
She's out on a...

Ann is great.

And I bet she
really misses you.

I'm going to need more of
these if I'm going to stay up tonight.

Is that candy?
Yeah, it's a necklace,

made out of candy.
You want one?

Oh, all right.

Great. All I've had is fruits and
vegetables, for weeks now. Hmm.

Oh, my God!

You know,
there's a string in there.

Not in this one.

Instant sugar high!
Sugar high!

Sugar hit high!
Sugar high! High! Oh!

Are you okay?

Sugar slam!

Maybe we should get you something
more substantial to eat.

Mmm-hmm. I'm in.

Hey, bring me back two
cheeseburgers and a green tea.

Oh, come on.
You got to be kidding me.

So, that was fun.

Yeah. It really was.

Surprisingly fun.

You know what? I have been a
perfect gentleman this evening.

In fact, watch this.

I would like you to now please
invite me in for a nightcap.

- Not a chance.
- No, no, no. Just...

Watch what I'm going to do.

- Oh, okay.
- Just ask me in for a nightcap.

Will you come in
for a nightcap?

Yes, I will.

No, no! Damn! Drat!
I was going to plan to not...

- Wait, wait, wait.
- To say no.

Look, that guy's trying to
break into that van.

You know what, it does look like
he's breaking into that van.

I just...

- 9- 1-1.
- Hi, there.

So, Andy, do you, like,
spy on Ann from the pit?

No. No.
I just like being nearby.

That way, if she wants me back,

I can be at her house,
like, in two seconds,

before she changes her mind.

I don't really know
how healthy that is.

I mean, you guys
aren't even dating anymore.

She might be
dating somebody else.

- Is she?
- What?

- Is she dating somebody else?
- Huh? What?

You just said Ann might be
dating somebody else.

- Is she?
- I didn't say that.

- Who is she dating?
- Nobody. Mark.

That's cool.

Oh, my God!

641 to base,
I'm at the vehicle now.

How you doing tonight, sir?

I'm all right, Officer.
How are you?

I'm responding to
a 9-1-1 call

about a suspicious person
breaking into a van.

I need you to step out
and show me some ID.

No, it's okay.
My name is Tom Haverford.

I work for
the Parks Department.

I just got locked out
of the van.

I had to jimmy my way back in.

Well, why don't you jimmy your
way out and show me some ID.

Well, I just told you my ID.
So, what's the crime here?

Parking while Indian?

No, there's no stereotypes about
Indians sitting in vehicles.

All right, fine.
Here's my ID.

Nice job, Paul Blart.

Why don't you head
back to the mall,

make sure nobody's breaking
into Lady Foot Locker?

Hey. I'm very close
right now

to placing you under arrest
for disorderly conduct.

Step out of the van.

I'll step out of
your mama's van.

I didn't do anything!
I'm a city employee, man! Come on! Leslie!

Motion sensors.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me!
What are you doing?

What happened to the guy
that was in that van?

Cops took him.

What? Oh, my God!

- Ann and Mark!
- Andy!

- It's Ann and Mark!
- Andy?

- Leslie?
- Oh!

- Leslie Knope.
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Wow.

We caught a criminal.
Do you know about this?

Yeah, he was breaking into this
van and they dragged him away.

It was crazy.

Right here.

What are you doing here?

If you could just stop
writing for a second,

and just focus here, because...

Ma'am, ma'am, as I've told
you several times already,

this is a police matter.

Well, it doesn't seem
to matter to the police!

Okay. Nice job with that.
But let's...

Let me ask you a question.

Is it the policy of the
Pawnee Police Department

to arrest people when they try
to get into their own van?

No. And thankfully,
that's not what happened.

Now, could you please go home,
and get some sleep,

and let this
matter be resolved.

Thank you, Officer.
Let's just go home, Leslie.

- Yeah, let's go home.
- Let's just go home.

- No! No!
- Let's just go home.

- No!
- Easy!

- No. No, no, no, no, no!
- Leslie...

Okay, come with me, please.

Fine. I'd like to
come with you.

Your friend,
he acted like an ass.

And you got to believe me,
he didn't give me a choice.

Your name's Dave, right?
Can I call you Dave?

My mother likes David, but I'm
pretty split on it 50-50.

Hate to break it to you, Dave.
You really stepped in it.

- What? - I'm a government
employee, David,

and so is your prisoner.

If I wanted to,
I could get on the horn,

and I could have Ron Swanson down
here, kicking down your doors.

Yeah, that's right.
You heard me. Ron Swanson.

What branch of
government are you in?

Parks and Recreation.

Parks and Recreation?

Yes. Do I stutter?

Look, Ms. Knope, it wasn't
just his behavior, okay?

I think your friend might be
some kind of a pervert.

No. Look, that's what people
think when they first meet him,

but he's all talk.
It's just...

No, I'm being serious.

We searched the van and we found
a lot of disturbing things.

Some professional
photography equipment,

and these pictures of
some people on a date.

We also found
an enormous amount of manure,

and a very inappropriate
amount of candy.

Okay, look.
Tom and I were in that van together.

We were staking out
the community garden,

because somebody
planted marijuana in it.

I brought the candy and I brought a
lot of it, because I love candy.

I took the pictures.

My best friend was going on
a date with my ex-lover.

It's been a very long night.

But Tom is not a pervert,
and he shouldn't be in jail.

Well, they're going to
release him in a little while.

Thank God.

Should I get you
guys home right now?

You know, you two go ahead.
I'm going to stay here and wait for Tom.

Are you sure?

Yeah, prison changes a man.

I think he'll probably
want to see a familiar face

when he gets
back on the outside.

Well, okay, then.
See you, Leslie.

Yo. I had to wait till my dad fell
asleep so I could steal his keys.

You ready?

I was born ready.

I'm Ron (fucking) Swanson.

Easy. Care...

Careful.

Take...

Ann, I really don't think
you should invite me in.

Terrible things
happened last time.

So, I guess I'll
just see you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Bye.

Hey. You kind of kissed me.

Yes, I did!

And now we both have herpes.
I'll see you later.

Leslie. Thanks for waiting.
I appreciate it.

Mother Teresa,
it's not your chocolate.

Don't...
Get your hands off that.

- Wake up.
- What?

Is this your house?
Where are we?

Hey. You're awake.

Oh, yeah.
Thanks for the coat.

It's no problem.
You can keep it.

Really?

Actually, no.
I need that for my uniform.

But I can give you
a ride back to your car.

Okay. And we'll
talk about the coat.

I can't give it to you.
Do you understand?

Okay.

So, where's that marijuana at?

It's down in the garden.

Good meeting you, man!

We should grab a drink
or something sometime.

I just hope that
Ann and Mark got home okay.

That's all that matters,
you know?

That Ann is home
and she's okay.

And that Mark is also okay
and he is in his home.

Just important that they're
both in their homes...

Leslie. Mark's an idiot.

You can do a lot
better than him.

Forget about him.

Thanks, Tom.

I didn't mean me.
Keep it in your pants, Knope.

I swear to God, it actually...
It was there...

These are carrots.

Duh! You don't think
I know the difference

between carrots and marijuana?

Is that the house there,
where your best friend lives?

Where she saw the van from?

Yeah.

Okay. I get it.

What?

Well, you wanted to check up on
your friend and that guy, your ex,

so you made up
a story about weed

so you could
stake out their date.

No, I did not.
There actually was weed here...

It's okay.

I think it's kind of cute.

I like Miss Knope. I liked her.
I got to say, I...

When I first met her
I didn't care much for her,

because like 99% of the people
in any given day of my life,

she was very belligerent
and disagreeable.

Miss Knope was
attractive to me.

As a man, I was attracted
to her in her demeanor.

I was attracted to her in a sexual
manner that was appropriate.

Can we not... I don't want
to talk about this anymore.

What a crazy night.
Huh, partner?

Want to go get some breakfast?

What? No! Take me home.
What's wrong with you?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I can't believe this is on.

I wonder if mini golf is open.

Home!

Especially if
you're going to...

I know.

Anndanawicz! What're you guys doing?
Eating? Love it.

Oh, hey, just wanted
to thank you

for having me arrested as
a pervert the other night.

That was cool. Peace!

We didn't think
you were a pervert,

we thought you were a criminal.

For the record, I still actually
kind of think he's a pervert.