All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S01E03 - The Reporter (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Okay, now, see, here's a good example
of a plant that you can't eat.

See all the spikes?

So, two things. One, it's poisonous.
And two, it would hurt.

The Parks Department
has so many programs.

Jerry's in charge of our
pre-teen nature hikes.

For a while, it was
a teenage nature hike,

but then we changed it
because a girl got pregnant.

Look what we have here,
country honeysuckle, Pawnee-style.

Yeah, take a look at that.
Wow.

It's pretty
and it smells good.

Mmm. Smells great.

Yeah, it's really nice.
Mmm.

That's bitter.
Leslie, you don't eat it.

Oh! Why did you
let me eat that?

I never told you
to eat that.

Oh! God.

Leslie, the animals know you
don't eat the country honeysuckle.

I'm not an animal.
My tongue is swelling up.

No, don't touch it!
No, you can't...

Okay, now you'll have to
throw that away.

- Let's not scare the kids.
- Okay.

All right. All right.
Well, there we go then.

Let's see
what else is here.

So let's tell them what other
plants we can eat, Jerry.

But I have to say,
there's a very sweet aftertaste though.

So I have
a piece of good news.

I've invited a reporter
to come do an article

about the pit
behind your house.

She writes for
the Pawnee Journal,

which is kind of like our
town's Washington Post.

That sounds
really good.

Thank you, Ann.
It is a classic strategy.

The press is a weapon and you can use
it to kill people or to feed people.

You know, the beginning of
projects are very vulnerable,

and you have to make sure
that you get a lot of press,

'cause the momentum of that can kind
of keep it alive, or else it'll die.

I mean, I'm sure you remember the
Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project.

The Tucker Park Graffiti
Removal Project was a great idea

that just
ran out of steam.

We had removed five cartoon penises,
not even 10%,

when we were shut down
due to lack of funding.

To this day, I am haunted
by those remaining penises.

One penis in particular.

Now, when the reporter
gets here,

it is vital that
we all follow my rules

about how to deal
with the media.

Rule number one,
stay on message. This is key.

All we need to talk about is the pit,

and the fact that we're
gonna turn it into a park.

And that's it. Okay?

Number two...

What?
Stay on message again?

Yes, it's that important.

It's one and two. Stay on message
and stay on message. Right?

Stay on what, Ann?

Message.
Great.

Leslie formed a committee
to fill the pit in a week,

which is really impressive.

I mean, until now,
my only experience with government

was trying to get
a recycling bin.

Wait. Did I ever get it?

Bye, Leslie.
- Bye, Ann.

Hey, Mark?

Yeah.

Buy you a cup of coffee?

This is JJ's Diner, the unofficial
meeting place of Pawnee's political elite.

The people who eat here
basically run this town.

So, listen, I was hoping
maybe I could pick your brain

about how to deal with the media.
It's my first interview.

What about that thing you did for the
middle school newspaper last year?

Oh. No. I don't count that.
That was a smear job.

So I put together some discussion
topics. Can I run them by you?

Okay.

What do you think her
opening gambit is gonna be?

What is she
gonna ask me first?

How you spell your name.

Of course.

Because of the silent "K."

You're so smart.
Yeah.

Okay, now should I give her
a tour of the building...

How many discussion
questions do you have there?

Um... Thirty.

Wow!

You're insane.

You're insane.

Mark and I made love once.
And it was very intense.

Hi, I'm looking
for Leslie Knope.

Okay.
- Oh!

My ears are ringing. Hi.
Hi.

I'm Leslie Knope.
Hi.

I'm the deputy director
of Parks and Recreation.

Shauna.
Malwae-Tweep.

Yes, I am familiar
with your work.

I've read everything
you've ever written.

You did an amazing in-depth article
on the raccoon problem here in Pawnee.

Who left the door open?
No! No! No!

And I agree with you.
They are nature's bandits.

Thanks.
I was happy with that line.

So, can I give you a quick
tour before we get started?

I've been here before.
A few times.

Quick tour?
Okay.

So there are 10 murals
here in this hallway.

And this is called "The
trial of Chief Wamapo."

It was painted in 1936
and this is Chief Wamapo

and he was convicted of crimes
against the soldiers.

I am always amazed
at his quiet dignity

right before he's killed
by a cannonball.

I'm surprised no
one's complained about this.

Oh, tons of
people have.

Yeah, we get
letters every day.

This is Ron Swanson,
our boss.

Ron, this is the reporter
I was telling you about.

No comment.

About what?

Hey, Haverford,

maybe one day you'll figure out
how to spell a three-letter word.

Come on, Ron.

I play a lot of online Scrabble
with my boss, Ron Swanson,

and, oh, my God,

that guy is the best.

He beats me every time.
He kills me. He's awesome.

I can't beat him.
I should just close my account.

Well, Shauna,
this is our crack team.

Hi, everyone.

Tom Haverford, boy genius.
Smooth like milk chocolate.

That's a weird way
to describe me.

April Ludgate, 19.

Cool enough to be invited
anywhere and chooses to be here.

And finally,
we've got Ann Perkins and Andy Dwyer.

They're the real heroes
of this story.

Ann was the citizen who brought
the pit to our attention.

And Andy is the
citizen who fell in it.

Great. It's cool
if I record this, right?

Yeah. Good.
That way it's verbatim.

So, Leslie,
you're in charge of the committee.

I'm sorry. It's actually called a
subcommittee, not a committee, so.

We can do
all this on tape.

Right. Sorry.
Sure we can.

And this is where
you meet, generally?

Really?

We meet at a bunch of different places.
We don't always meet here.

So I didn't quite know
how to answer that.

Okay, why don't I ask the rest
of your team some questions

and then we will come back to you later?

Okay, great.
That's a good idea.

Because these are the real heroes.
I'm gonna be in my office.

So, Andy, tell me about the
night you fell into the pit.

Oh. Yeah.
That's actually a great story.

I just finished up a gig
with my band Three Skin,

formerly Four Skin, but our
bassist left for personal reasons.

And I was taking
a shortcut home,

and I thought I saw a
toaster lying in the pit.

And I was like,
"Maybe I should get that."

And I fell in
and broke my legs.

Such a tragedy.

Why would you want a toaster that's
lying at the bottom of the pit?

I don't know.
I was pretty wasted.

Wait. You were drunk?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

You knew that.
I didn't know that, no.

You should've told me, because we
gave you anesthesia at the hospital.

I was probably not thinking
'cause I had two broken femurs

and I was
blackout drunk.

Andy, I just...
I can't believe

I'm just finding
this out right now.

Like you're perfect. You're on the pill.
You drink all the time.

You're allowed to do that.
Stay on message.

Thank you so much for bringing
that up in front of a reporter.

Leslie, it's not
that bad, right?

I mean, why don't we just go back
in there and talk about the park?

Oh, Ann.
You're so sweet and innocent and pretty.

The press are like sharks, and you guys
just dumped a bucket of chum in the water.

Hey, I just got
your 15 texts.

Mark.

Listen, thank you
for coming.

I tried to stay on message.
Mmm-hmm.

But then, Ann and Andy
sandbagged me.

Andy was drunk
when he fell in the pit.

And it turns out that Ann
is on birth-control pills.

Okay.

Shauna is in
the conference room,

and she's writing a really bad
article and it's gonna destroy us all.

Please fix it.

April, let me
ask you something.

Do you think I'm in the top five
best-Iooking Indian guys in Pawnee?

No.
Who do you think's got me beat?

That guy Hashish
at City Planning?

Tommy boy.

Let me tell you something, Tom.
You suck at Scrabble.

I know.
You're destroying me.

You're worse than my ex-wife,
and she's terrible at Scrabble.

And she's a bitch.

Look out, man.
I'm gonna get you one of these days.

I'm practicing.
Yeah, I doubt that.

Her name is Tammy Swanson
and she's a serious bitch.

Hey, Leslie.
I have to go.

Let's do the interview
tomorrow morning at the pit.

Yeah. Perfect.

Great.
I'll have a photographer meet us there.

Okay. Great.

See you then.

Disaster averted.

That was easy, right?

- Yeah?
- Can we go in your car?

Absolutely.

All right.
'Cause I hate driving.

There's a beautiful
view from over there.

This is a great place to take a shot.
Over there as well, so...

I think you're fine.

Hi!

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, no problem.

Do you live near Mark?

No, not at all.

So he gave you
a ride somehow?

Yeah.

You know, do you have a pen?
'Cause I don't...

No, sorry.

Michael, do you have
any paper I could borrow?

I might, yeah.

I don't mean
to complain,

but I think Shauna is being
a little unprofessional.

She got here
15 minutes late.

She's wearing the same
dress she wore yesterday.

And she had to
get a ride from...

So how big
is this lot?

Leslie, how big is...
What?

How big is the lot? The lot?
How big is what?

I don't know. You tell me.
How big is the lot?

A hundred or something.
Give or take 100. I don't know.

A hundred what?

I don't know,
Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

I don't know. I don't...
I guess I don't know anything.

Are you okay?

I have to get something
from my car.

What are you doing?

Kicking Ron's butt
at Scrabble.

I just played "lexicons"
for a billion points.

No, no, no, no, no.
What?

I was letting him win,
dumbass.

Whatever.

Oh. Come on.
"Lateral, communal, zonal"?

You dropped a "Z"
in there? April.

So when did you start
at the Parks Department?

Well, it was
a few years ago.

My mother
got me the job.

I was qualified.
It's not like it was nepotism.

Crap on a stick.
Okay, technically, yes, it was nepotism.

But... Oh, my God.
No, it wasn't.

Sorry.

It's not you.
I just... I'm exhausted.

I got, like,
zero sleep last night. So...

Oh.

Hey, Leslie.
Hey! You're home.

Yeah, I'm home.

I was doing an interview at the pit,
and it was going really well.

In fact,
it was going perfect.

But I decided to leave
in the middle of it

'cause I figured I nailed
it so why push it, right?

Yeah.
Can I come in?

Sure, yeah.

Great.
Come on in.

So how'd it go? She didn't ask
about Andy being drunk, did she?

Oh. No. No, just your kind
of standard questions.

There was
one annoying thing.

She and Mark had sex
with each other.

You're kidding.

I wish I was,
but I'm not. They did it.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep
and Mark Brendanawicz

had sex with each other
last night.

Who had sex?

That guy Mark
and the reporter.

Called it.
I called that.

You remember that?
Yeah.

He did, actually.
He totally called that.

Why do men have to
behave like this?

Why can't they
be professionals?

Men are dogs.

You know,
maybe they really like each other.

He doesn't like her.

He was probably thinking
with the head of his wiener

instead of
the head of his brain.

Oh. God.
Andy, come on.

Men do that.
It's disgusting.

Well, I should
go talk to him.

Make sure that he didn't say
anything to hurt the project.

Yeah. Definitely,
you should talk to him.

Yeah.
Good idea, Ann.

I bet he didn't
use a condom.

Andy, God!

Hello, Mark.
May I come into your office?

I need to speak with you about
something very sensitive.

Something's come to my attention
that requires your attention.

It has come to my attention that
you had sex with Ms. Malwae-Tweep.

That's personal.

It's unethical and it's irresponsible
for a public servant to have sex

with a member
of the press corps.

Especially when you have sex
with someone who is so skanky.

I mean, have sex
with her and...

I'm gonna say something. I don't
want you to take it the wrong way.

But you're being
a huge dork.

Well, I can't allow that kind of behavior
from someone serving on my subcommittee.

Well, then I resign
from your subcommittee.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Hi, this is deputy director
of Parks and Recreation...

Leslie? Hi.
Yes, hi.

I accidentally
ate an old burrito.

What?

I was acting strange
at the pit

and the reason is because
I had food poisoning

from an old burrito.

So, I was hoping we could
have a do-over interview.

Maybe over lunch.
I'm buying.

Yeah, I guess I'm free.
I'm assuming not Mexican.

Why?

Because of the burrito.

Oh!

Yeah, well, it wasn't
a Mexican burrito.

Are you sure that's the best
thing for you right now?

Oh, it's the best thing
on the menu.

So, look, I feel
like I may have

gone a little off message
at the pit.

Yeah, you seemed
a little weird.

Well, I wouldn't say weird.

It's just,
we're trying to turn a dangerous eyesore

into a beautiful
community park

and a positive article could go a
long way towards making that happen.

Great.

So what do you think the odds are that
this park is actually gonna get made?

Can I say over 100%?
Because I would be lying if I said less.

Wow. You seem a lot more confident than
some of the other people I've spoken to.

Can I read you
some of these quotes?

Be my guest.

"The Sullivan Street pit
is always going to be a pit."

Well, until it
turns into a park.

Yes, I agree.

"Hey, you should write
an article on unicorns,

"because they're more likely
to exist than this park."

Oh, really?
Tell that to a 14-year-old girl.

"You should write an article
on the Pope getting married,

"because that's more likely
to happen than this park."

There are some countries
where the Pope can be married.

"You should write an article
on talking monkeys."

Really? Have you seen
The Wizard of Oz?

"You should write an article
about leprechauns."

Leprechauns exist.

"You should write an article about
the sun falling out of the sky."

Why would you write an
article about that? That's...

This one is just "No."

"This park is never, ever, ever,
ever going to happen."

Might I ask
who said that?

Mark Brendanawicz.

Yeah.
Hey.

Hi.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah, what's up?

You and I need to find a way
to fix this reporter thing.

Why is this a big deal
to anybody?

Well, apparently, the reporter is
gonna print everything you said to her.

But I didn't say
anything to her.

"The park is never, ever, ever,
ever getting built?"

But that stuff
was off the record.

Did you say
it was off the record?

Do you have to say
it's off the record?

Oh, God.

Hey. Thank you so much
for meeting us.

Sure.

Hey, Mark.

Hey.

Uh...

I heard that you were gonna
print some of that stuff

that I said in private
about the park.

Oh, yeah.
My editor loves it.

You know, we'd really appreciate
it if you didn't print that stuff

'cause we're trying
to build this park...

I don't understand.

You did say it, right?

Technically.

Technically?

Well, you know,

you got up because you had to
write the article and I said,

"Come on,
stay in bed.

"That park is never, ever,
ever gonna get made."

Right. And then
I came back to bed.

Yeah, but the important part of
what I said was, "Stay in bed."

You know,
I would've said anything at that point

if I thought it would
make you stay in bed.

Okay, well, since we're,
you know, romantically involved,

I won't print any of it.

That's great. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

You know, I wouldn't say
romantically involved.

You know,
going forward.

Oh, my God.

What?

Ron Swanson.

Tom.

Ron, I don't know what to tell you, man.
April got on my computer.

Password was saved.
She played a couple of Scrabble words.

It wasn't me.

I don't even know
what lexicons are.

I thought that was
a luxury automobile.

You're the word king.
She was probably cheating.

I knew that
couldn't have been you.

You don't have
the vocabulary.

I know.

You can't even
spell vocabulary.

Yeah. V-O-G-X...

Was that right? No.

We're cool.

I'm not an idiot. I know Tom has
been losing to me on purpose.

But I like Tom.

He doesn't do a lot
of work around here.

He shows zero initiative.
He's not a team player.

He's never one
to go that extra mile.

Tom is exactly what I'm looking
for in a government employee.

Hey, you busy?

Well, I'm writing
an op-ed piece

about media ethics
for the Pawnee Journal,

so, yeah,
I'm a little busy.

I wanted to
apologize to you.

Really?

Yeah.

I never should've done
anything with that reporter.

Whoa! You nailed
Malwae-Tweep? Nice.

Yes, but I'm not
gonna do it again.

It's over.
- So she's available.

I really did think that that stuff
that I said was off the record.

But you were right,
and I should've listened to you.

I tried to get her to pull some of those
quotes and things got a little dicey.

Well, I appreciate
you trying.

Would you like to be reinstated
onto our subcommittee?

Absolutely.

You'll have my answer
within the month.

Mark, can I ask
you a question?

You didn't really
believe it when you said

that the park was never
gonna get made, right?

Park's gonna get done.

Welcome back,
subcommittee member Mark Brendanawicz.

Thanks.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thanks, a lot.
Thank you a lot.

Man, that dude has stuck
it in some crazy chicks.

Well, the article came out,
and it was a mixed bag.

"An abandoned lot
on Sullivan Street

"has been proposed
as the site of a new park."

That part's good. I think we
stayed on message for that part.

And then it gets
a little unpleasant.

"Pretty drunk,
Ann's on the pill."

I didn't "throw up,"
I spit up.

JJ's Diner
gets a nice mention.

Oh, and right here.
At the end.

She writes, and I quote,
"We'll see."

Ends on a hopeful note.