Original subtitles

Wow. Independence Rock.

Glorious, isn't she?

Kinda looks like a turd to me.

And not a solid turd, either.

Just a sad loosey.

It is not a sad loosey.

Independence Rock marks the halfway point of our journey.

If we can make it there by the 4th of July

it means we're on track to get to Oregon before winter.

That's tomorrow. We'll never make that.

We may not make it in one piece,

but I'll get us there in time.

Strap in.

It's about to get bumpy.

♪♪♪

- [REINS SNAP] - Hyah!

Y'all hang on tight, Rev.

[OXEN MOO]

You do realise we're still going

incredibly slowly, right?

These oxen are really humming now.

I mean, we can only be going, uh...

four, five miles an hour, tops.

Stay with me, baby!

Yeah, I'm probably just gonna get out and walk.

See you guys at Independence Rock, I guess.

BENNY: Yee-haw!

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

♪♪♪

Isn't it wonderful? All these brave pioneers

taking a break from the trail

to celebrate our great nation by...

Gettin' drunk!

[LOUD CLATTERING]

All right, come on!

Who's ready for some ale pong?

I'm trying to get blackout by breakfast.

Farmer John, you're up first.

Come on, bitch.

Hit me with another buffalo slider, Granny McGill.

A little early to be hitting the red meat, no?

I usually spend 4th of July with Zeke,

but he's in his honeymoon wagon with Phaedra,

leaving me to eat my feelings.

In that case, make it two.

Oh, yeah? What's your problem?

I'm just bummed that Trig

never wants to see me ever again.

You know, in some ways, the emotional hurt

is worse than the bullets she put in my back.

Well, no. The bullets were actually much worse.

I still have one lodged in my spine that's sheer agony.

Hey, Uncle Benny!

Will you take us around the fair?

Okay, squirt, I keep telling you...

I'm not Uncle Benny. I'm Benny the Teen,

the most feared outlaw alive.

Please?

CHILDREN: Please?

All right, you win.

But if I hear one word about balloon hats, I'll shoot you.

[GIGGLES] Yes!

Oh, Zeke!

- [SIGHS] - Happy 4th.

Mm. Happy 4th to you, too.

Whoo. Don't get too excited.

I'm sorry, I am just exhausted.

Phaedra and I have been going at it all night.

Oh, don't paint the whole picture.

No, no, it's not that. We were praying.

And don't get me wrong...

I like praying as much as the next God-fearing man.

Twice a day, maybe three times

if I have a snack in the middle.

But I just wish there was something else

we could connect on, you know?

Well, hey, why don't you just forget about all that?

Okay, this is our favourite holiday!

Let's go get into some classic Prudence/Zeke hijinks.

- Hey, that's a great idea. - Yeah.

- And I'll bring Phaedra. - Oh, um...

This is what we can connect on.

I mean, who can resist the magic of July the 4th?

You know, I kinda just meant, like, a you and me thing.

I'm gonna go tell her right now.

This is awesome. Pru, thank you so much.

Granny, make it a double.

- Aw. - Damn it!

This stupid game is rigged!

Better luck next time.

Give me the bear.

Do it.

- Here you go. - Yay!

Thanks, Uncle Benny!

Ah, you're welcome.

No sudden moves.

- 'Cause someone's getting a hug! - Ooh!

I missed you.

Is this how you kill people?

Oh, no. I'm not bounty hunting today.

It's a national holiday. Some union thing.

Who's that, Uncle Benny?

Hey, little guy.

I'm an enemy of your Uncle Benny's.

It's my job to hunt him down and kill him

because he's the most wanted man in the country

and he deserves to rot in hell!

Even if everyone here is going gaga for Trig.

Wait, Trig is here?

Oh, yeah. She's doing some big heist.

It's part of this crazy crime spree she's on.

It's so stupid.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Stupid. [LAUGHS]

Well, maybe I should just check it out, though, right?

Just see what all the fuss is about.

Hey, kids. You want to check out an active crime scene?

Yay!

PRUDENCE: Ah, so much to do!

We could carve our names into Independence Rock.

Ooh, look! There's a meet-and-greet

with Uncle Sam in his White House Wonderland.

- What sounds good to you? - Uh, all of it.

What do you think, Phaedra?

Oh, um, sorry. What was the question?

I'm just so confused by this sandwich.

Right, yes. No, you want a more

perpendicular entry, dear.

- This? - Ah, no.

Like, turn it on its axis.

The other axis. Rotate it, like...

I'm sorry, I just... I don't get this.

Or any of this. I mean, what exactly

are we celebrating here?

The pursuit of happiness?

Happiness is an indulgence

that should be run away from.

Oh, no, you're just not seeing it the right way.

When I was at the orphanage growing up,

I used to make an American flag

out of a dirty old pillowcase.

And I'd wave it around

and pretend I was in the Land of the Free.

Ezekiel, you're not a...

patriot, are you?

- Well... - Because the man I married

loves God, not America.

Sorry, no. A patriot. Yes.

Um, no, I'm not that.

[SCOFFS] No. Boo, America!

What are you talking about?

You're like the biggest patriot I know...

Ah! No, no, no, no, I'm not.

I might have experimented

with patriotism in college, but that was just a phase.

You know what we should do?

We should protest this sick holiday.

Haa...

- Wouldn't that be righteous? - Yes.

Wonderful idea, dear.

[LAUGHS]

Well, at least it's something we can connect on.

Sorry.

This is too many hot dogs.

[PEOPLE CLAMOURING]

You... you took everything from us.

You're a monster!

Oh, that's so sweet!

Thank you for coming to the robbery.

Everyone, really, thank you.

People are really freaked out by Trig?

Dad?

Okay, what part of "I never want to see you again"

don't you understand?

God, you're like obsessed with me or something.

I'm not here to see you.

I'll have you know, I'm here on important business.

Uncle Benny? I have to potty.

Levi, you're killin' me! You just went potty!

Does cholera give you a tiny bladder, too?

Oh, my God, your new gang seems pretty tough.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, well, sorry to steal the spotlight...

but these folks now have

a real bad guy to worry about!

Get 'em up!

Um, I'm sorry. Who are you again?

Benny the Teen.

Oh! Right!

Yeah, I think my parents were scared of you.

Would you mind if I go back to being robbed by Trig?

Sorry, Benny. Looks like I'm new hotness,

and you're an old has-been.

- CROWD: Oh! Ooh! - BENNY: All right, laugh it up.

This isn't the last you've seen of Benny the Teen,

not by a long shot!

Let's go potty.

♪♪♪

Can you believe

that people would deface this perfectly good rock

with this graffiti?

"W.H. Collins and Co."?

More like, "Erase You...

[CHUCKLING] Company," yeah.

And erase you!

- And erase you. - Psst!

Zeke!

- Pru, what are you doing here? - What does it look like?

I'm busting you out of here. Let's go.

[GASPS] What in George Washington's

green earth are you doing?

We are returning this rock

to the way God made it, you disgusting patriots.

Oh, no. No, you did not.

You need to take that flat, rat-tail pompadour

and pack it up, Bena-bitch Arnold.

- [OTHERS CHUCKLE] - Ezekiel!

Did you hear what he just said to your wife?

Yes.

Defend my honour.

- Right, um... - PHAEDRA: Yes.

[ZEKE CLEARS THROAT]

You guys are bad.

Good start.

Now elaborate.

I think that America is...

dumb and

red, white, and blue are ugly, ugly colours.

And all you patriots should...

[FLATLY] go back to England.

Oh, now, you done did it.

You're right, Thomas.

It's not worth it.

You don't feed the trolls.

Come on, let's go.

Good job, dear.

You really showed those flag-wavers who's boss.

You're right, this is horrible. I have to get out of here.

Wow, yeah, you have to be honest with Phaedra

and tell her that you love America.

Yeah, I could do that.

Or, I could lie to her

and live a completely separate double life behind her back.

Sure. Equally healthy option.

I'm probably gonna do that one.

All right, um... bye, sweetheart!

Just going off for a quick break.

- Okay. - Just a normal break,

doing normal things for a normal amount of time.

- She doesn't care. Let's go. - Okay. The lie worked!

BENNY: I'm washed up?

I'll show them who's washed up.

- What are we doing here? - Come on, kids!

We need to come up with something really bad

that Uncle Benny can do, on short notice!

Emma! Get your head in the game!

I'm gonna need you to stop eating the grass,

- and focus. - This is boring.

Can we go see Uncle Sam?

I'm trying to come up with my big comeback here!

- We're not meeting Uncle Sam! - Please?

He's the coolest, bestest guy in the world.

He is, huh?

The rest of you feel that way?

Then I suppose it would be pretty bad

if something were to happen to him?

Yeah, really bad.

Interesting.

All right, let's go meet Uncle Sam.

Yay!

[EVIL LAUGH]

Why are you laughing so evilly?

Shut up, Levi. No one likes a narc.

Game! Bam! Drink up, Farmer John.

[LAUGHS]

That's right. Todd Aberdeen's back on top.

Yes, I may have shat my pants on multiple occasions,

but at least I can still dominate at ale pong.

Ooh, ale pong?

Oh, I've always wanted to try. Can I play?

Sure, if you don't mind getting your butt whooped.

- What? - That was fun!

Oh, can we play again?

Yeah, okay, just...

Rack 'em up.

Bitch.

[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[INDISTINCT CHEERING]

Lib-er-ty! Lib-er-ty!

Can you believe this is the most fun

I've had on my honeymoon and my wife isn't even here?

Hey, I get it. The highlight of my honeymoon

was the night Todd passed out early

and I ate a whole cake in the tub.

I just... I thought marriage would be different, you know?

I thought it'd be fun, and adventures

and, I don't know, fireworks.

I guess we don't always end up with our fireworks person.

♪♪♪

PATRIOTIC MAN: Uh-oh, stop the parade!

- Whoa. - Troll alert.

Look out, everybody. Whoop whoop!

I am so terribly sorry about what I said to you earlier.

The truth is, that wasn't me at all.

I actually love the 4th of July.

I... knew it!

My USA-dar is flawless!

Now come on, and get your tushies on this float!

Let's do it.

UNCLE SAM: Nice to meet you, little Levi.

Now tell Uncle Sam, what's your 4th of July wish?

I wish for a cure for my polio,

and rickets, and scurvy, and measles...

Uh, I'll see what I can do.

And Levi, I want you...

to have a happy 4th of July.

- [POLITE LAUGH] - All right. There you go.

Great wishes, kids. All right, now,

I need you to wait outside.

I'm gonna have a little word with Uncle Sam.

Off you go.

Get along, little doggies.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's the deal.

I need to pull off an unspeakably heinous crime

to outdo my daughter, and...

long story short, I need to kidnap you.

- Oh. - Yeah, I know, it sucks.

I hope you take it as a compliment, though.

- I understand. - Good.

And I hope you understand that Uncle Sam

doesn't go down without a fight!

[GROWLS]

[GROWLING, OBJECTS BREAKING]

- [GROWLING, OBJECTS BREAKING] - [COUGHS]

How are you so jacked?

I want you... to die!

Ooh!

- [GRUNTS] - [CROWD GASPS]

[GROANING]

Ah, don't worry, kids.

Sam's just taking a little nap.

Hey, help me drag his body out of here.

Yeah! I friggin' love you, America,

and I don't care who knows it!

Yas, honey! You better crown that good with brotherhood!

- Ezekiel! - Aah!

What are you doing up there?

Um, this isn't what it looks like. I'm...

Look, Phaedra,

I want to be a good husband to you.

But that also means being honest with you.

I love America.

I know this must come as a huge shock to you

but I really hope you can find some way of accepting it

because it... it is a huge part of who I am.

I absolutely do not accept that.

That part of you makes me sick and revolted

and the fact that we are even having this conversation

makes me want to throw myself off a cliff.

Now get off that float immediately.

Yes, dear.

Yikes. That's a hard attitude to move forward from.

Zeke, wait.

Haven't you done enough harm already?

Go back to your own husband.

Go.

Excuse me, ma'am? I'm so sorry,

but I think I may have killed your husband.

[BURPS]

And, uh, not to pile on,

but I think he shit his pants.

He shit his pants.

Happy 4th.

Step this way, guys.

All right, I got you all the best seat in the house.

Uh, thanks, but we really don't have time for fireworks.

We got back-to-back heists tomorrow.

Trust me. You're not gonna want to miss this.

It's gonna be a real explosion.

Mm, yeah. That's what fireworks do. They explode.

Just watch, please.

[SIGHS]

Fireworks!

ALL CHANTING: Fireworks! Fireworks!

Folks, folks, folks, folks! I got some bad news.

Uncle Sam is not gonna be introducing

the fireworks show.

- [GROANING] - Because...

- [DRUMROLL] - he is the fireworks show.

I want you...

to help me!

Boy, you get a lot of mileage out of that line, don't you?

That's right, folks!

Benny the Teen is gonna blow up Uncle Sam,

on the 4th of July.

[CROWD CLAMOURING]

Now who's the baddest outlaw in town?

Damn. That is cold-blooded.

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

Whoo!

You're not really gonna blow up Uncle Sam, are you?

Yeah, actually, I am.

[WHIMPERS]

Why?

Because I need to be back on top.

If I'm not the number one outlaw in town,

then, I'm nobody.

That's not true.

You're my Uncle Benny. I love you.

Damn you, Levi.

How dare you melt my heart at a time like this?

[GIGGLES]

All right, hold on, Sam.

I'm coming for you.

[WHIMPERING]

- Oh! - Come on.

Jump!

♪♪♪

PHAEDRA: Ezekiel!

I can't believe it. My own husband, a patriot.

But there is still hope.

We are going to pray the USA away.

All night, if we have to.

Are you sure we can't just watch the fireworks first?

Absolutely not.

Watching rockets being shot off into the sky

is a literal assault on heaven.

Dear God, let apple pie

be like ash in his mouth.

I'm gonna get my fireworks.

In fact, make him a cake guy.

Vanilla only, obviously.

Prudence!

- Pru! - Oh, my God.

Zeke, what?

Wow, Todd. Do you know about your face?

Yes. I blacked out earlier and apparently some hoodlums

drew penile phalluses on my face.

Sorry about that. Is Pru here?

Uh, I don't know where she is.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go make sick out of both ends.

Zeke.

Pru.

♪♪♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

- [BACK CRACKS] - [GROANS]

TRIG: Wow. [SLOW CLAPPING]

Well, I have to say thank you for those seats.

We got a great view of you

going soft in front of everyone.

- [LAUGHTER] - Let's go, boys.

We got a bounty hunter on our tail.

Bye, Dad.

Dingus?

Oh, my God. So awkward.

[SIGHS]

[PRUDENCE GIGGLES]

[BOTH SHUSH]

[WHISPERS] Okay, no, wait. I have to go this time.

Okay, just wait.

- Okay, go. - Okay. Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

God, I love this holiday.

[HUMMING "YOU'RE A GRAND OLD FLAG"]

[HORSE NICKERS]

Benny. Um,

what are you doing up at this hour?

I could ask the same thing of you, Rev.

Um, are you... You going somewhere?

I sure am. Far away from here.

I made a big mistake tonight,

and it's your fault.

How... how is it my fault?

'Cause you made me soft!

All your stupid "love thy neighbour" crap

must've rubbed off on me, and it made me weak.

No, Benny, that... That is not weakness.

That's strength.

That means deep down inside, you are a good person.

Don't say that! I'm Benny the Teen, god damn it!

The meanest son of a bitch there is.

And nobody can take that away from me.

But, no, I mean, you can't just leave us!

We'll never get to Oregon without you.

That's not my problem. Maybe you haven't heard.

I'm a bad guy.

MARTHA: Is that Benny?

What is going on out here?

We're [BLEEP].

♪♪♪