Original subtitles

(Kirby) The principal's office.

Punishment headquarters.

A place that students want to avoid at all costs.

Except me.

My fellow students, this room has been feared for too long.

But today, we won't be scared anymore. Let's party!

-(dub step music playing) -Whooo!

(bubbling)

Yeah!

(kids) Yeah!

(music stops)

Hi, Principal Mitchell. (chuckles nervously)

You're back early.

(theme song playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Does this really have to be my punishment?

Oh, yes.

The wheel's decisions are final.

A hundred lunches with you? This is so unfair.

You should've thought of that

when you decided to get jiggy in my office without inviting me.

But there's gotta be some way I can get out of this.

Afraid not...

unless you get a pardon from the student president.

-Great. Who's the student pres-- -There is no student president.

There is an election in two days,

but no one is running due to student apathy.

And, because I forgot to put out the sign-up sheet.

Oh, no, Mr. Buckets.

You cannot run for president

when you're on the Principal's Big Timeout List.

I'm sorry...

but you and I are lunch buddies.

Fish and Eli look so sad eating without Kirby.

(sighing)

Oh, don't you feel bad for them.

This is the first lunch in months I haven't had to listen to...

"The Chew."

(chewing loudly)

Did you hear that, Belinda?

"The Chew's" gone.

Well, you do seem happy for once.

♪ I never thought that lunch Could be this way ♪

♪ A lunch without my rat-faced brother Has made my day! ♪

(booing)

(whispering) Okay!

Guys! I need one of you to run for student president,

so you can win and give me a pardon.

Wait, is there an election coming up?

Guys, get away from me. You're not safe.

What are you talking about?

Elections turn me into a monster.

There's a political werewolf inside of me, and elections are like my full moon.

Fish, that's ridiculous.

No, it's not.

I'm Fish Fisher, and I approve this message.

Oh, no, I'm pointing with my thumb!

Come on, Eli, I cannot take another lunch with Principal Mitchell.

I don't know, Kirby, elections can get ugly.

No one else is even running.

Okay. I'll do it for you.

But I'm gonna run an honest campaign.

We go honest, or we don't go at all.

Whatever you say, Mr. President.

Vote for Eli, don't be...

(clock cuckoos)

Aww... the timing was so off!

Now we have to wait an hour to do another take.

We could just turn the clock back--

Honest campaign, Kirby!

Hey, Eli,

where'd you get all the money for these campaign supplies?

Ohh... you know... honesty.

The oldest profession there is.

I'm telling you guys, I really should not be

around all this campaign stuff.

Relax, Fish, it's fine.

(Fish) Oh, no...

the political werewolf is taking over.

(howling)

I need to leave! And I approve this message!

(yelps)

Hey, loser,

guess who didn't have to hear your loud chewing

and had the best lunch of her life today?

What's all this?

Kirby guilted me into running for president,

so I could give him a pardon.

This can't be a real thing.

Oh, it is. I'll be back in the cafeteria before you know it.

(chewing loudly)

Ah! Ah! Ahhh!

I need to run for school president, so I can beat Eli.

Dawn, how do I say this... nicely?

You have absolutely no chance of beating Eli.

So what am I gonna do?

I cannot have Kirby back in the cafeteria.

Maybe you could help your image by doing some charity work.

I know someone who could really use a helping hand.

Ever heard of Sad Randy?

So my dog ran away from home and never came back.

Later, we found out he was living at the neighbors'.

But it's probably better for him there anyways, I mean,

since last week my house got... stolen.

(blows nose loudly)

You have the saddest life of anyone I've ever met.

He's perfect.

I know, you could do so much good for him.

Or... I could use him as a pawn

to run against Eli. I mean, think about it.

Who would have the heart to vote against this kid?

He made me cry, Belinda. Me!

So guess what? Eli's gonna lose the election,

and you'll have to keep eating lunch every day with Principal Mitchell.

(laughing)

Guys? Things are about to get ugly.

(Dawn laughing)

You know, the name "bisque" is derived from "Biscay,"

as in Bay of Biscay.

Potage fait d'un coulis de crustacés.

-(dance music playing) -(chattering)

The crustaceans are twice cooked.

-First, they're sauteed in their shells. -(bell ringing)

I never thought I'd be this happy to go to Math class.

Don't let the monster come out, Fish.

Fight it.

(Fish) Psst. Let me out, Fish.

We can make Forest Hills High great again.

You know you approve this message.

I do not approve that message!

Ahhhhh!

Well, since you don't want to get your hands dirty...

looks like we have to go to the one kid who controls public opinion.

Hey, Big Ricky.

Eli is running for student president,

and he would really appreciate your vote.

I don't like politicians.

But... you seem so... Innocent and honest.

Thank you.

But you know... just once I'd like to see

something good happen to Sad Randy.

Did you know that kid was born on a leap year?

February 29th. He's only had four birthdays.

And his parents still forget it every time.

(crying) That's... pretty sad.

So I'm sorry. But that's why I'm leaning Sad Randy.

Hey, everyone! We should all vote Sad Randy for president!

Big Ricky, hold up!

There's gotta be some way Eli can win your support.

Well... there is one thing.

I'd like the school to stock better, softer toilet paper,

for, uh, personal reasons.

Tell Eli to make this his issue, and I guarantee he'll win.

Consider it done.

(exhales)

Hey, everyone! Election update!

We should all vote for Eli for president!

He's got our backs!

And our butts!

That's right. Vote with your butt, not with your head.

This message was paid by citizens concerned about butts.

Oh, no. This is bad.

Big Ricky controls public opinion. Everyone knows that.

Belinda, it's time to use our secret weapon.

I can't believe you sold me out for toilet paper!

As student president,

that would not be my number one issue.

You're right, it's really more of a number two issue.

Don't try to get out of this by being absolutely hilarious.

Here... feel the difference.

Ow, my cheek!

No way, how could that have hurt?

My... cheeks are sore...

for no particular reason.

I don't know, Kirby. Back room political toilet deals?

This isn't the way I wanted it to go.

(Dawn) We need to talk.

I had Belinda follow you around after school.

Belinda, the photos.

(Dawn) Everyone's gonna find out why those cheeks are so sore

if you don't drop out of the race.

That's why you borrowed my camera?

Belinda, how could you?

Have a really good night, Eli.

(howling)

What the...

What am I doing here?

Oh, no! I'm losing contro... (howls)

(breathing heavily)

I can't do this anymore. I was up all night, Kirby.

Dirt is going to come out on me.

Eli, relax, no one has any dirt on you.

Hey! Did you guys hear?

Sad Randy isn't coming to school today.

He went for a walk last night, and he fell down a well.

That's awesome!

I mean, awesome...ly sad.

But Eli... if Sad Randy doesn't show up for the debate,

you get to walk away with the election!

We're gonna win!

No more lunches with Principal Mitchell!

(Mitchell on P.A.) Attention students, this is an election update.

Sad Randy will still participate in today's debate...

live... via cell phone...

from the bottom of a well.

Knowing Sad Randy... it's probably super deep.

Sorry, but... I can't vote against a kid in a well.

Hey, everybody!

We all need to vote Sad Randy for president.

-(applause) -Yeah.

Sorry, but I can't run against a kid in a well.

How can a kid at the bottom of a well be the student president?

I don't know.

How can a kid let a six-dollar piece of fish just sit there?

This fish is absolutely unbeatable. Seriously.

If this fish was running for president, I'd vote for it.

(sniffing) I bet he's hiding.

And I know just where to look!

Bark, bark, bark!

Fish? Are you okay? Who did this to you?

I did.

Actually, it should be really easy to untie.

I need you to run for school president.

Don't do this.

Kirby, you don't know what you're asking.

I have no choice. I need you, Fish.

Do what you have to do to win this.

(ominous music playing)

(growling)

-(chuckles) Kirby Buckets! -(patriotic music playing)

I just wanna say... thank you for your support.

Hi... Fish Fisher for president.

Can I count on your vote today?

Hi! Fish Fisher for president!

(clears throat)

Welcome to the Forest Hills High student presidential debate.

Thanks to a last-minute entry, we now have three candidates.

Mr. Fish Fisher...

(applause)

Mr. Eli Porter...

(applause)

Hm? It would appear Mr. Porter is a no-show.

And live, via cell phone, from the bottom of a well,

Mr. Sad Randy Garfenbonk.

(applause)

(crying) All right. Let us begin.

I'm here!

Eli? I thought you wanted to drop out of the race.

I'm here to finish what I started.

First question... Do you know--

I have something to confess!

In order to get money to pay for my campaign posters and buttons,

I regularly met with a nice old lady in the bargain aisle

in the S and P. She was lonely and for some reason,

she liked pinching cheeks.

I promised myself I'd only do it once, but I kept going back.

Campaign supplies cost a lot of money.

(students murmuring)

My entire campaign was built on honesty.

And the worst part is,

by not admitting this sooner, I lied to Kirby...

the person I'm supposed to be helping.

No, the worst part is that weird old lady story you just told.

Okay, well, I think this election should go to someone more honest

and deserving, like Sad Randy.

Very well. First question is for Sad Randy.

How do you do it?

I'm at the bottom of a well... and no one's tried to save me.

(sniffles) That is so sad.

(clears throat) Mr. Fisher...

do you have anything that you would like to say?

I've met thousands of students just like you

on the campaign trail.

Kids like... Joe the Janitor's son,

who has to wake up at 5:00 a.m. every day.

Or Hallie... the girl who has two jobs and still can't pay her bills.

I'm here to say... help is on the way!

Oh, he's amazing!

You've spoken, and I've listened, and the things you care about,

I care about, too!

Now, if you vote for me, I will restore prosperity, peace and hope!

And I will make every single one of you

proud to go to Forest Hills High again!

-(students respond negatively) -What?

That's just not possible. I'm never gonna love this school.

This school's a one-ply dump!

I just wanna say I regret helping Dawn by taking those photos.

Believe it or not, you're the only candidate who's been completely honest.

Wait! What do you mean by that?

Let's just say all isn't "well" with Sad Randy.

All isn't "well," Kirby. All isn't "well."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, it's something to do with the well.

Well, for lunch today I had a handful of dirt.

(clock cuckoos)

Was that a bird?

A cuckoo bird!

(growls, shrieking)

(door opens)

Hey, everybody, look at me! I fell down a well, too!

(students murmuring with surprise)

Mind if I borrow your phone?

Sad Randy is actually in my sister's bedroom closet.

Dawn was so desperate to win the election,

she faked Sad Randy's falling-down-a-well story.

So... if this falling-down-a-well story is a lie,

then everything about Sad Randy's life should be in question.

Sad Randy is probably not sad at all!

Sad Randy might not even be a Randy!

I swear my name is Randy, and I only went through with this

because I felt so bad for Dawn!

I mean... her life is really sad.

What? You felt bad for me?

Everybody! Sad Dawn bamboozled us!

-Boo! Come on! Boo! -(booing)

I'm putting an end to this garbage!

If anyone still cares, it's time to vote!

(Mitchell) Good morning, students.

The results of the election for student president

are as follows: There was only one vote cast.

And the winner is...

Mr. Fish Fisher.

Yes! 'Ey, that was my vote, I told you I would win. (laughs)

So... what, you're like a monster now?

Nah... election's over.

Besides, it turns out the student president

doesn't have any real power.

Except one...

I can pardon you.

(laughs)

Enjoying your bisque, Ms. Buckets?

Well... at least I don't have to listen to Kirby's chewing.

(slurping)

No! "The Slurp"!

Ahh.

My! What a beautiful fake baby!

Vote for me... Eli Porter. I like the way grandmas smell.

That's right. I like the way grandmas smell.

Well, that's quite an admission, Mr. Sweet Cheeks.

You didn't forget.

(laughs)

Yeah!