Original subtitles

So, you're here for the Senior Stock Boy position?

What would you say is your greatest strength?

Well, uh, if I had to narrow it down,

I'd probably say my positive attitude...

Wrong! Everyone's greatest strength is their back.

Unless you're weird.

I'm gonna make a note of that.

Weird.

It's time for you to prove yourself.

Which milk...

has gone bad?

Okay, that one is definitely bad.

Correction. They're all bad.

Overall, you did exceptionally well,

but sadly, I can't hire you.

What? Why?

Call me old fashioned, but I just don't think

two best friends should be working together.

But we're not best friends.

Then you definitely don't get the job.

Plus it says here that you're weird.

(theme music playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

In closing, please remember,

rich people are people, too.

Sure, we may have...

piles of money just lying around

ready to satisfy our most outlandish desires,

but we also have feelings.

We're all fighting a battle,

and ours is one...

you couldn't possibly afford.

Can you believe Chip is going on and on

about how hard it is to be rich?

Meanwhile, I couldn't even get a job at the S and P.

I don't know how I'm gonna get enough money

for a Gamestation Four.

You don't need a Gamestation. You've got us.

So should I body slam someone, or...?

No, that's getting old.

Man, I wish we had a Gamestation.

Well, don't worry about money.

This summer's on Eli.

Oh, yeah! Will you buy us a Gamestation Four?

Whoa, whoa!

I saved up all year so I could feel like a big shot

and treat my friends all summer long.

I'm talking small smoothies, matinée movie tickets,

and off-peak go-karting.

As long as the price is reasonable, this summer's on Eli.

Thanks, man. It looks like I'm still stuck

playing my Gamedaddy Four my dad got me.

Ugh.

"Fun Commute"?

-"Tax Accountant Extreme"? -I know.

Look, these games will not do for

Sir Fish Bartholomew Fisher the Third, Esquire.

What's with the...

I'm done keeping it real, man. (laughs)

My brother Kurt kept it too real

and badmouthed a few guys down at the Forest Hills Ninja Academy.

He had to fake his own death.

Keeping it real fake-killed Kurt?

Forest Hills Ninja Academy is real?

Yes, and yes.

And I swore on his fake grave

that I would never keep it real again

for the rest of my life.

(auto tuned) Yeah. I'm talking with auto tune,

not my real voice.

Are you gonna be talking like that all day?

It all depends.

Is this keeping it real?

Yes.

(normal voice) Then no, I'm not.

It finally happened, Belinda.

After months of hard work

and flirting with that gross assistant manager,

he finally punched my free sub card.

I did it.

Looks kinda gross,

and didn't Sub Standard get fined for a rat infestation?

Roach infestation.

And yes, the sandwich is gross, but that's not the point.

Nobody has ever given me something for free

based on my personality,

so no matter how gross this sandwich is,

it's gonna be the greatest thing I've ever tasted.

(Dawn) No!

(whimpering)

All that flirting.

All the fake laughter,

and the bad sandwich puns.

Ah!

Get your caricatures here!

Get your semi-professional caricatures here!

One for two, three for six!

Can't pass up a deal like that!

Don't buy them! He'll make you look stupid!

Hey, Chip, how about a hilarious caricature?

Out of the question!

I'm here to talk about this.

I'm rich. I have too much money.

Ow! Ow! Ah!

I'd like to register a second complaint.

I can't help but think this is about me.

As if I don't have enough problems already.

My human chess pieces are unionizing, Kirby.

I'm sorry, Chip, but I just don't believe it's that hard to be rich.

And if it is... just get rid of your money.

There. Problem solved.

(crying)

Ugh, I exceeded my legal deductions

and ended up with a heavy wage garnishment for the fiscal year!

"Tax Accountant Extreme" is the worst game ever.

Then why are you playing it?

I'm hoping it'll motivate me to make money

to buy an actually good game system.

Hmm.

(Kirby) Wh... H...

Rich?

(phone rings)

Hello?

I take it you've seen my little gift.

I thought about what you said, and you're right.

If being rich is so hard, I should just get rid of all my money.

So, congratulations, Kirby, you're stupid rich!

(sigh)

I'm stupid rich!

Oh!

I can't believe all this money is actually mine!

This is the greatest, most unreal thing that's ever happened!

Guys this doesn't change anything.

The summer is still on Eli.

Do you hear that?

Three children-sized frozen yogurts are calling our names.

My money's fun, too!

Whoo.

Whoo! Yes!

Of course your sandwich got ruined, Dawn,

because the universe hates you.

Nothing's ever gonna come easy for you, because life is unfair.

Yes.

What's all this?

Some kid gave me millions of dollars for no reason at all!

No, no, no.

-No, no. -I'll give you all this money if you go...

have your breakdown somewhere else.

-Really? -No.

(Dawn screams)

Wait!

I'm not sure we have enough cash.

You're right.

I think we're keeping it too real.

Better go grab some more.

Ah. Mr. Buckets.

Who are you guys?

We are The Suits. We come with the money.

You're rich now, Mr. Buckets.

You need people around you who know how to handle finances.

I think I'll be fine. Thanks.

Kirby! More money!

Sorry, guys, gotta run.

If you invest that money in a high yield mutual fund,

you'll have 50,000 more dollars buy this time tomorrow.

Seriously? I can make that much money in one day?

All right, fellas, welcome to the team.

Make yourselves at home.

Oh, we will. We definitely will.

Enjoy your vacation, Mom and Dad!

(laughing)

Ah!

So... you seem... different today.

Kirby getting all that money made me realize something, Belinda.

The universe is nothing but a cruel joke.

And I have been the butt of that joke for far too long.

I am done being the butt.

I'm done trying.

I have reached...

(echoing) Dawnlightenment.

Dawnlightenment?

(echoing) Dawnlightenment.

I don't know why, but...

I think I'd like to know more.

(Ricky) Me too.

Dawn,

I know we've had our differences like fire and ice,

but I, too, have been questioning the universe lately.

Like how could a big, beautiful sub sandwich

I got for free in the trash make me so sick,

and...

is this an acceptable amount of money

for four hours of dancing?

I can help you.

I have answers.

Hey, everyone,

Dawn has the answers to life's problems!

We need to follow her!

(cheering)

Let's all get subs out of the trash.

So wise!

I'm gonna call it the U.S.S. Kirblamo.

(Announcer) The U.S.S. Kirblamo!

Ahoy!

Bock!

You bought a battleship?

That's the exact opposite of keeping it real.

Yep. The Suits said it would be a great investment.

Guys, I also bought us something really cool.

Day-old ice cream cake!

(sigh) I'm starting to think this summer's never gonna be on Eli.

Come on.

(all imitating engine roar)

-(chuckles) -Whoo!

Yeah, I think...

(All) Ohhhh!

Three.

I can't believe Chip thought it was hard to be rich.

I mean, this is the most fun I've ever had.

Forget the summer. The rest of our lives are on me!

(Kirby chuckles)

Mr. Buckets.

We need to talk about Fish and Eli.

I'm afraid your friendship no longer makes fiscal sense

or fiscal dollars.

That's a money joke.

What are you talking about? Fish and Eli are my best friends.

I can't stop hanging out with them.

Your so-called friends are only interested in your cash.

That's crazy.

Fish and Eli would never betray me for all the money in the world.

Then why don't you go see for yourself?

This summer was supposed to be on Eli,

but Kirby's stealing all my thunder.

Dude, it's okay. No one's expecting you to pay for...

What part of "this summer's on Eli" don't you understand?

I can't let Kirby take that from me,

so obviously, we need to grab him and take him away from here.

Whoa, what? Why?

To get him away from the money so I can treat you guys

to a reasonably priced brunch.

No beverages.

Huh.

I thought the battleship was the must unreal thing

I had experienced today,

but kidnapping your friend to treat him to brunch?

No beverages.

Okay. In honor of my fake-dead brother, I'm in.

Let's kidnap Kirby.

Then I'll be the one with all the money.

Told you, Mr. Buckets.

Nothing matters.

(All) Nothing matters.

The universe is a sick joke.

(All) The universe is a sick joke.

We are the Dawnlightened.

(All) The Dawnlightened.

Students, you're going to have to clear out of this room.

I need it for...

not staging cat versions of musicals.

Belinda.

I'm sorry, Principal Mitchell,

we are in the process of becoming...

Dawnlightened.

Plus, I filled out the appropriate room reservation form.

We aren't afraid of you, hombre.

You can't do anything to us.

Whoo!

I'm above the law of man!

Sorry, Dawn.

Is it just me, or was Kirby acting strange on that battleship?

I mean, he just took off running and ditched us.

Well, hello there.

Chip? What are you doing here,

and why are you dressed like that?

Well, I work here.

An honest day's work for an honest day's pay.

Until we become best friends, then you get the ax.

Hey, really sorry about giving Kirby all that money.

I feel terrible about that.

What are you talking about?

Well, now that I'm a working man

and have to fight for everything I get,

I'm realizing that having a lot of money

can make you go kinda crazy.

You guys are right.

Everyone is out to get my money.

I do need to hide all this money in my battleship.

I should be wearing these tissue boxes on my feet.

I can't trust anyone...

especially you!

I asked to borrow ten dollars.

Sheesh.

I'm glad you're finally seeing things the way they really are, Mr. Buckets.

I can't believe I didn't start trusting you guys sooner.

Watch this.

Oh! It was only ten dollars!

Suits, what's our status?

Your money is secure inside the missile, Mr. Buckets,

and we've acquired those rations you've asked for.

(Kirby chuckles)

Perfect. With all those crackers,

we can stay in my battleship for decades,

and no one will ever come near my cash.

One can only hope, Mr. Buckets.

Let us out, Kirby.

We're not gonna steal your money.

But I will steal your crackers.

So you knew this money would drive Kirby insane?

Well, I was only 99 percent sure.

I'm sorry, but I had to get rid of the money.

It was making me go crazy.

I actually thought my friends were trying to kidnap me.

Can't you just take the money back now?

No can do. I am not go back to eating caviar

and wearing velvet pants.

I'm a fish sticks and blue jeans kinda guy.

There's gotta be something we can do.

Well, the only thing you can do is get rid of the money.

(work whistle blows)

Looks like my break is up.

Good luck bringing Kirby back to reality.

You're gonna need it.

We have a problem, Ms. Buckets.

Dawnlightenment teaches us that problems are an illusion.

Yes, about that.

Your "followers" are refusing to acknowledge my authority

or participate in mandatory bake sales.

Obviously, I can't allow this to go on.

What is obvious is your desire to control that which cannot be controlled.

Drop the guru act, sister,

and return my fearful obedient students to me,

and if you agree,

I am prepared to offer you what you've always wanted.

A guaranteed three-date contract with Gabe Michaels,

the hottest guy in school.

It's the best offer you're going to get, Ms. Buckets.

Say, "yes."

I'm sorry, Principal Mitchell,

but Dawnlightenment is bigger than a few meaningless dates.

Meaningless? He was going to take you to brunch!

(whispers)

No beverages.

Dawn, wait.

Teach me.

Teach us.

Yes, teach me and Gabe Michaels, the hottest guy in school.

Looks like we've got intruders, Mr. Buckets.

(Kirby) Are the defenses in place?

(Suit) You bet your sweet battleship they are.

(Kirby chuckles)

So I was thinking,

maybe we don't have to get rid of all of Kirby's money.

What if we just kept, like, a million or so?

-Watch out of that trip wire! -Whoo!

(Kirby) Darn! I knew we should have

spent more time on the defenses instead of eating crackers all day!

Kirby!

We're here to take away your money.

I knew you guys were just after my money

and weren't my real friends!

The only real friends I have are The Suits!

Okay, who are you talking about,

'cause there's nobody else here.

The money has turned you crazy.

You're crazy! Of course The Suits are real!

Uh, no they're not!

(auto tuned) And I know unreal.

Look for yourself.

Don't listen to them, Mr. Buckets.

We are totally real.

But where have I been getting all my financial advice from?

If I invest that money in a high yield mutual fund,

I'll have 50,000 more dollars.

It'll be a great investment.

Ugh, I'm so exceeding my legal deductions

and ending up with a heavy wage garnishment for the fiscal year.

"Tax Accountant Extreme" is the worst!

We have to get rid of the money, Kirby. Where is it?

It's in the missile.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Mr. Buckets.

Dah! I can't! They won't let me!

Forgive me, Kurt, someone has to keep it real!

No! The money!

And also our existence!

Dawnlightenment is about accepting things as they are.

Preach.

It's not trying to change what is.

Oh, preach.

-It's about... -(explosion)

It's funny.

I don't even want it.

I don't even wanna dance for it.

Wow! Dawnlightenment really works!

Right, Dawn?

It's over! Dawnlightenment is over!

Everybody go home! This is my money!

None of you weirdos better touch it!

Guys,

sorry again for going all crazy on you.

Money does weird things to your mind.

Tell me about it.

I almost bought a cardigan.

But at least one good thing came out of all of this.

These smoothies and the rest of the summer

are back on Eli.

Actually, uh, put those smoothies on my tab.

I'm rich again.

Fine! Nothing's on Eli!

(Kirby) Wait, wait wait.

So you're rich again?

I kinda won the lottery.

Which is great, because it turns out,

people who aren't rich also have problems.

Plus, I missed my old friends.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Willis.

(nervous laughter)

(All) Whoa!

I have two pouches.

(Man) And...

-Money, money, money, money... -Oh! (laughs)

Some kid gave me mellions of dollars for no reason.

Some kid gave me mellions of dollars for no reason at all.

That's how I say millions.

-(Man) Say it. -Mellions.

-A million. -A mellion.

A mellion.

-Million. -Mellion.

(Man) Okay, here we go.