Original subtitles

(Kirby) The food chain. It's a pretty basic science.

Plants are eaten by insects, insects are eaten by mice,

and mice are eaten by owls, and so on.

The food chain at our school works like this:

Pearly Todd eats everything,

and we all eat whatever Todd tells us to.

It'd be funnier to me if you ate this instead.

(laughs maniacally)

(Kirby) He's a big, pearly toothed predator,

and we're all his food.

Buckets!

I want that skateboard.

(roars)

(thudding footsteps)

(growls)

(yells)

(grunts, groans)

Uh...

Uh, Todd?

Todd? Hey, buddy, uh, wake up.

This is why you should always steal a helmet.

-(bell rings) -(groans) What happened?

Whoa.

Kirby Buckets knocked out Pearly Todd.

-That's not what happened. -Kirby Buckets is a hero!

(crowd cheers)

(Kirby) Of course, when it comes to food chains,

every once in a while, the food wins.

(theme song playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Being a hero's pretty great.

I usually just rely on art and clever shenanigans

to get attention, but turns out, violence works pretty well, too.

-(boy) Hey, it's Kirby. -(girl) Oh my God, look.

(crowd murmuring)

Keep believing, kid.

And the crazy part is,

Todd doesn't remember anything about what really happened.

It's like I really am the Bully Buster.

And since everyone thinks you're the toughest kid in school,

me and Eli can finally wear these super comfy Moon boots

without getting made fun of.

(chuckles)

What are you doing?

Stuffing yogurt in my locker so nobody can see it... obviously.

Is that you?

Yep.

Morning Breeze Digestive Yogurt.

For diarrhea, nausea, burping, and um... butt burping.

I can't believe it. (chuckles)

I should have been the Morning Breeze Yogurt Girl.

I mean, just look at the face I can do.

(chuckles)

Well, I just wanna know how somebody pulled this picture

off my Facepal account.

Well, when you post pictures online,

they basically become public for anyone to use

however they want.

We need to buy every single one of these

that we can find and hide them.

No one can see.

See what?

That outfit? (laughs)

Hey, Mandy. No need to look down.

It's just normal yogurt, really.

-(laughs) -(clears throat)

Check out who this is.

-Dawnarrhea. -(girls laugh)

Congratulations! You're a model... for butt yogurt.

(laughter)

(all laughing)

Come on, Kirby, tell us again.

Okay, okay, but this is the last time.

(Kirby) So, there I was, just minding my own business,

and that's when I see Todd picking on some innocents.

So I said, "Not in my school."

And then he said,

(Kirby) "I do what I want,

because I don't respect boundaries or social convention and stuff."

So then I did what anyone

would do if they had a heart of a champion.

(blows)

(crowd cheering)

(Kirby) And then he was all like,

"Thank you. You're strong, and I deserved that."

And that's pretty much how I beat Pearly Todd.

(crowd cheering)

Yes... about that.

Order! Order in the cafeteria.

(gavel banging)

I have called this hearing,

because Todd's parents said they would get a lawyer if I didn't.

I just wanna say...

I don't remember what happened,

but it's not cool for one kid to go around

terrorizing the whole school, you know?

Not cool!

That's how you've spent your whole life.

-Yeah! -(cheering)

-(gavel banging) -(Mitchell) Order.

Order in this cafeteria.

Mr. Buckets, your response.

(clucks) As your lawyer,

I suggest you shoot yourself out of here in a cannon.

(splatter)

Suggestion withdrawn.

Are you guilty of this crime?

-Yes! -(crowd gasps)

I did it. I knocked out Pearly Todd.

But I didn't do it for me.

I did it for you.

And you, and you.

-(girls gasp) -And for all of Forest Hills High!

I did it to put all the bullies out there on notice

that as long as Kirby "Bully Buster" Buckets is around,

they're not safe!

-Yeah! -(cheering)

So, yeah, if I get detention for that, I'd say,

it's worth it!

-(cheering) -(gavel banging)

Order.

Shut it.

I hereby sentence you to Maximum Saturday Detention,

where you will spend time with the worst bullies in the county.

Most of whom have already heard your brazen anti-bully words

thanks to Big Richard's live blog.

Live blog! Whoo!

No?

I hired a private firm to run Maximum Detention,

because those kids scare me.

But not to worry.

I'm sure it'll be no problem for a bully buster such as yourself.

(crowd booing)

(gavel banging)

(metal detector beeping)

(beeping)

Uh, I think I'm a medium.

Or this.

(man over PA) Five minutes remaining in sandwich assembly.

No breaks.

-So, you're Kirby Buckets, huh? -(timid chuckle)

The kids here call me Shiver.

You know why?

Because I asked them to.

Don't show fear, brother. Fear will get you eaten alive!

Which, as a taco, I'm super afraid of.

(growling)

Oh no! I showed too much fear!

We hear you don't like bullies.

Guess what?

We have feelings, too, man,

and when our feelings get hurt, other people get hurt.

Like, like, real hurt.

But I heard what you did to Pearly Todd, man.

And that's a tough dude.

(chuckles) So I'm gonna be keeping my distance.

But just know, we don't like you.

(man over PA) Kirby Buckets, please report

to The Colonel's office, immediately.

Hey, that's me! Uh, I gotta get going, but, you know, great talking to you.

Just go away and let me read my encyclopedia,

because that's what kids do when they get beat up.

They read encyclopedias.

But Kirby didn't really beat you up, man.

And you need to tell everyone that

so he can get out of Saturday detention.

He can't survive in there,

and we're really worried about him.

You don't seem that worried about him.

It's the boots.

It's like my feet grew mouths, and they're eating cotton candy.

For me, it's like stepping on kittens. (chuckles)

But, you know, in a good way.

(Fish) What if we could prove there was

absolutely no way Kirby could've taken you out?

Sure. Whatever.

I'm sure it's more interesting than learning about

things that start with "C" through "C-H."

It's not weird, you know, having to use another man's office.

In fact, my wife has the same haircut.

So I pretend I'm looking at

a picture of my wife and not another man,

whose desk chair I warm my bottom in every Saturday.

May I offer you a sandwich?

Uh, (chuckles) I'm good, thanks.

You are aware

that it is rude to refuse another man's sandwich?

Uh... no?

Too late! My sandwich offer is rescinded.

It says here in this file that you gave

the infamous Pearly Todd quite the whooping.

This is all just a big misunderstanding. I swear.

I mean, look at me. I couldn't even fight a cold.

So, can I just please get out of here?

What the sandwich?

You know, you're right.

There's no way you would have ever laid a finger on Todd

with those molasses-slow reflexes,

but lucky for you, guilt and innocence don't matter here.

The only thing that does matter, is reputation.

Come now. I wanna show you something.

Stop doing that!

Molasses-slow.

(sighs)

(Dawn) All clear.

No more Morning Breeze Digestive Yogurt.

Looks like buying it all up was a pretty smart move

by your good friend Dawn "Smart Move" Buckets.

(Gil) Check it out!

That gut-clearing yogurt with your picture on it

sold so fast, I had to get a ton more.

Nice move, Smart Move.

I ordered so much, they even gave me this standee.

What do you think? I'm gonna put it in front of the door,

so it's the first thing people see when they walk in.

Oh, you need to burn that right now.

It doesn't even look like she has an upset stomach!

I mean, can I get a little...

or maybe a...

Congratulations! You're our 100,000th customer.

Yeah, those balloons have been up there for a while.

Turns out, it takes a long time to go 100,000 customers.

As a prize, you can have any item in the store, free of charge.

Hmm...

Let me think.

I think I'll go with...

Dawnarrhea.

(cheering)

Welcome to the Tickle Pit.

First one to laugh loses the match and his dignity,

'cause everybody knows, you can no longer respect a person

after you've heard their tickle giggle.

(giggles)

(cheering)

(crowd booing)

Plus, he gets another detention next Saturday.

And what does the winner get?

He gets to keep competing in the Tickle Pit until he loses.

(cheering)

So, eventually, everyone gets humiliated?

That doesn't seem fair.

Life is not fair, son. I need gladiators.

I service a very special clientele of people

who pay top dollar for this kind of entertainment.

Yeah! Tickle him!

What? Wrestling's basically the same thing.

-(growling) -(yelling)

But I didn't show fear! This makes no sense!

Why are you telling me all this?

Well, because some of our guests don't particularly care for the Tickle Pit.

I need you to-- Well, let me see how to put this.

Uh, remind them of their obligation to participate.

I told you, I can't actually fight.

I don't need you to fight anybody.

Look, all you gotta do is just, you know, look mean

and do some weird twitches or something.

You do that, I'll let you out of detention

a couple hours early. What do you say?

(cheering)

Yeah, this is super weird,

so I think I'm just gonna keep my head down.

And hopefully when I get outta here,

it'll still be attached to my body, but, you know, thanks.

First you refuse my sandwich, and now this? Why, I--

(clears throat) Well... enjoy the rest of your stay.

Whoa, hey.

(Colonel) Attention, detainees. It has come to my attention,

that one of you, a Mr. Kirby Buckets,

did not best Pearly Todd in combat,

but was rather the victim of an unfortunate misunderstanding.

As such, please be gentle

with this exceedingly fragile young man,

who has molasses-slow reflexes,

and hates bullies. (chuckles)

As you were.

Hey, now. Let's not do anything rash.

I mean, no, I didn't beat anyone up,

but hey, violence isn't the answer, right?

But it sure raises a lot of questions.

I'm not gonna point out that that doesn't make any sense.

I'm just gonna ask you to think about the real enemy.

I mean, who's the biggest bully here?

Big like seven-foot Tim?

Or big in personality, like Anthony.

What? No, the Colonel.

I mean, come on.

He forces you guys to tickle each other

for the entertainment of weird business people.

Who could be a bigger bully than that?

Yeah, he's right.

I say we use our violence on the Colonel!

(all) Yeah!

No, not violence. That's not the way.

What we need is a clever plan,

and, guys, clever plans are sort of my thing.

That's why they call me Kirby "Smart Move" Buckets.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Ah.

That is the least clever plan I have ever seen, Mr. Buckets.

Looks like you've earned yourself a spot in the Tickle Pit.

(Pearly Todd) Why are we here?

(whines)

(Fish) We're here so you can see

how Kirby Buckets could not have possibly beat you up.

(sighs)

Huh.

These are his pajamas.

He still wears them when he thinks no one will find out.

Could a kid with airplane pajamas beat you up?

It takes a brave man to fly.

Hand me that drawing over there on Kirby's desk.

No.

(whiny) Todd, I'm too comfortable to get up.

(whiny) Todd, be a bud.

Ugh.

Fine.

Look, do you see this?

It's him riding a Pegasus...

in a helmet.

(Fish) Even in his fantasies, he's thinking about his safety.

Does that scream, "tough guy" to you?

Riding on a flying horse looks pretty tough.

Look, guys, I'm gonna get out of here

before Kirby beats me up for being in his room.

But let's hang out sometime, you know?

Us pathetic nerds, we gotta stick together.

(laughs)

All right, later.

Wait.

I remember now.

Kirby didn't knock me out.

That's what we've been trying to tell you.

Go tell Principal Mitchell that--

I'm going to destroy Kirby!

(screams)

(Pearly Todd screams)

We did it, man.

Come on, Dawn. It's been hours.

No one is getting that standee.

Yeah! Even if it should have been my face on it!

I feel how I feel, Dawn.

Fine. I can wait you out, Dawn, and I can wait all day.

Me too.

(stomach gurgling)

Sounds like Dawnarrhea is having some

intestinal distress. (laughs)

(stomach gurgling)

Oh no.

(Gil) I know what you're thinking,

and yes, we do have more hot dogs.

-Oh, no. I-- I-- -The yogurt!

The yogurt, it's not working!

Where's the bathroom?

(gasps)

(both whimpering)

Ha, I win.

Dawn!

Where am I supposed to--

-(stomach gurgling) -Oh no.

(Gil) No!

Not the mop bucket. That's where I keep the hot dogs.

(Mandy) Don't look at me!

Now, that is the face of intestinal distress.

Business ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to my Tickle Pit.

(cheering)

Today, a very special marquee match up

for your viewing pleasure.

In this corner, Kirby "Bully Buster" Buckets!

(crowd booing)

And his opponent across the ring,

the unde-feeted champion of the Tickle Pit,

Dead Foot!

(crowd cheering)

(clucks, groans)

(squawks)

Let the tickling commence!

(crowd cheering)

Nothing tickles like a dead foot.

Don't know why. Don't know why.

(crowd booing)

Impossible. Dead Foot always gives me a tickle giggle.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for this.

Uh, I'll take care of it myself.

Come here, you. Open that for me.

Come here, boy. I wanna talk to you.

(crowd clapping)

(gasps)

(Colonel) A tickle-proof vest?

Wha-- I'm betrayed by my own sandwiches.

(giggles)

Ugh.

It's working. They're losing respect for him.

(laughing) Stop it. Stop it.

(laughing) Stay. Stay. I command you to stay.

And I command you to stop.

I come in to school for free office supplies

and this is what I find?

Byron, I can expla--

Don't bother. You're fired.

The Max Detention Program is canceled.

Just because of my tickle giggle?

No.

Because you've been running and underground Tickle Pit

in my high school for the entertainment

of international businesspeople.

You're a monster.

Plus your tickle giggle.

(kids laughing)

Told you guys I had a plan.

Let's here it for Smart Move!

-Whoo! -Yeah!

I'm gonna tear you to pieces, Buckets.

(booing)

What? What's going on?

Sorry, Todd. Violence is out.

Yeah.

It's all about clever plans now.

Well, I got a very clever plan, okay?

First, I tear Kirby apart!

(booing)

Oh, come on. Really?

Hey.

I'm feeling low, and those boots look like a good time.

Give!

Just be cool.

(growls)

He needed them more than we did.

Completely agree.

(theme music plays)

I should've been a butt model.

Oops. (giggles)

(man) Okay, back to one.

It's time for a moonwalk.

(yells)