Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(Kirby) Friends are supposed to look out for each other.

It's the pillow that hugs you back.

(Kirby) Even if that means protecting them from themselves.

Eli, you can't bring stuff like this to school.

It's like you're begging to get ripped on.

I'm comfortable hugging a pillow, Kirby.

Physically and emotionally.

And I think the kids here will respect that.

No, they won't! Now give me that!

Kirby, stop!

(Kirby) Of course, sometimes when you try to protect someone...

Whoa.

(Kirby) You can end up doing more harm than good.

(announcer) Dave the Ripper!

Are you okay?

Did Kirby hurt you?

Oh, this is too good!

Check it out, it's Snugniss Eversqueeze,

star of The Hugger Games .

Whoo!

Boom! I've been dying to reference that movie!

Give me some!

Hug ya' later, Snugniss.

(students laughing)

Eli!

(theme song playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

"Even though you don't have a head, I still love you."

"I love you, too."

"I love you, pillow!"

"I love you, too, Snugniss!"

(students laughing)

(sighs) I'm sorry, Eli.

I'm supposed to look out for you,

but instead I just ended up handing you to Dave on a silver platter.

What does that mean? You're "supposed to look out for me"?

I don't know.

Sometimes you can be too "Eli" for your own good.

Like when you wanted to wear pocket watches or how you trust drifters.

Wait, have you been having my back, behind my back?

That's not back-having, that's back-stabbing.

Has he been protecting you, too?

(scoffs) What, me?

No way. I don't need anyone protecting me.

Matter of fact, I've been protecting both of you.

I call it..."Fish Fu."

Eli, you wouldn't stand a chance against Dave.

You ever hear of that kid, Trever Happied?

Well, they say Dave literally ripped him out of existence,

just for shedding a few tears at a ballet recital.

Kirby, I appreciate you trying to protect me,

but promise me you won't do it behind my back anymore.

I'm perfectly capable of standing up for myself.

Ah! Leg cramp!

(sighs) Okay, I promise.

(groaning)

Look, Snugniss got a cramp.

(all laughing)

I just don't get how someone could treat another person like that.

(scoffs, laughs)

Oh, you're serious.

You do realize you insult people all the time, right?

I do not.

What color are my shoes?

Puke-green.

And they really bring out how wide your feet are.

Are you not hearing yourself right now?

What's that kid's name?

Who? The loser with the ugly shirt or the loser with the dumb haircut?

I think you may have a serious problem.

Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Whoo!

It's a cuddle bug!

I hired a professional graphic designer to render it.

Super expensive, but totally worth it!

-(Dave) Cuddle bug! -Kirby, you promised.

You can't just sit here and let Dave rip you.

It's okay. I have a strategy.

I'm just going to ignore it.

Hey, Snugniss, you're seeing this?

Look at it. Snugniss, look.

I think I may have figured out what's wrong with you.

Although not acknowledged by the medical community,

some people claim to suffer from insult blindness,

where they are unable to hear how insulting they are to others.

Wait, so you're saying, I'm the victim

and everybody who gets mad at me is just a loser?

That's great.

You have no idea what it's like to have people mad at you all the time.

Hmm.

I guess you're right. No one's ever been mad at me before.

Hey!

You must've dropped that.

You keep on being a good person, okay?

(chanting) Snugniss! Snugniss!

So my eyes started twitching for some unknown reason.

Yeah, because Dave's clearly getting to you.

Come on, let's put some cockroaches in his locker or something.

Kirby, I can handle it.

(sighs)

(Dave) Snugniss!

I wanted to apologize.

My ripping of you has been hurtful and uncalled for, and...

I just hope you can forgive me.

See, Kirby. I told you everything would be fine.

Apology accepted.

What do you say? How about a bro hug?

Ha! That wasn't a bro hug! That was a faux hug.

Ooh! Look, your pillow's hugging my butt.

No!

This is your life now!

(screaming) No!

(announcer) Ripped!

Sorry, Eli.

It's time for me to take down Dave once and for all.

You're gathered here today

because you're the most ripped on kids in school.

Briefcase.

Stink Fletcher.

Kid Statue.

-(exclaiming in fear) -And Ghost Gary.

Together, it's up to us to end Dave's ripping...

by ripping on him.

But how? Dave's unrippable.

Like pieces of paper kept safe in a reliable briefcase.

You're not wrong.

Dave has scrubbed any dirt we can use against him.

Which means he's got something to hide.

-(exclaiming eerily) -Wah!

Seriously, Ghost Gary?

(Fish) Eli...

I sensed you would come here.

Unless it's the janitor.

In which case, I sensed you instead.

Dave's never going to stop, Fish.

I need you to teach me Fish Fu.

But to take that first step, you must call me...

Sensei.

Whatever you say, sensei .

Training begins tomorrow.

It's going to be sensei ...tional.

(blows)

(blows)

If Dave has any secrets we can use against him,

there's only one place they can be.

The Mitchell files.

Principal Mitchell keeps detailed dossiers

on every student for potential blackmail purposes.

So, if we want to turn on Dave, that's where it'll be.

-(exclaiming eerily) -Wah!

Stop doing that, Ghost Gary. Seriously?

(Kirby) Every Friday at 4:00 p.m.,

Mitchell leaves his office with the files handcuffed to his wrist.

They never leave his grip.

And he stops for nothing.

Once the files make it to his car...

there's no touching them.

Our mission...

is to intercept the briefcase.

Copy Dave's file

and return it without Mitchell ever knowing it was gone.

Sounds like an egregious violation of school policy.

But if it shall quell Dave's senseless ripping of me,

I humbly offer my services to the cause.

Guys...

meet Ashley Goodmop, the final member of our team.

So let me guess, Dave rips on you for having a girl's name?

And... my elegant accent.

Tomorrow, we launch Operation Ripper Impossible.

I want this school to make an announcement recognizing insult blindness

-as the serious medical condition it is. -Hmm.

People need to know that I cannot be held accountable

for the things that I say. Oh, by the say, that's a terrible suit.

Miss Buckets, how shall I put this?

Your so-called medical condition is made-up nonsense

and I am less intelligent for having heard it.

Oh! So you're accusing me

of making up a serious illness just so I can be mean to people?

Do you have any idea how insulting that is?

I don't think it's insulting at all.

Oh, my.

I have it, too.

So I might've promised Eli I'd teach him Fish Fu,

which isn't technically a thing.

Sounds like you need to learn Gil-rate.

The ancient art of self-defense I invented.

Yeah, it's tough to master,

but you don't see those samurai come around here anymore.

(exclaiming)

Amazing!

So you'll teach me, so I can teach Eli?

Yes!

So I may have promised some kid I'd teach him Gil-rate,

which isn't technically a thing.

Do you think you could teach me martial arts,

so I can teach him and he can teach his friend?

Thanks. I really gotta stop trying so hard to impress teenagers.

All right, team, it's go time.

Agent Stink...

commence skunking.

Principal Mitchell.

Just because.

Goodness, Mr. Fletcher, that is some rank funk.

I can say that because I suffer from a medical condition

that allows me to insult people without recourse.

(sniffing)

Oh, my! That is deep in the fabric.

I will need to change.

(Kirby) The GPS tracking device in the decoy briefcase is operational.

Man, I love that sound.

(Kirby) It's a mini briefcase!

And now the flash drive.

And here... we... go.

Now what do I do?

I thought you were a computer expert?

I may have lied on my resume.

School janitor jobs are surprisingly competitive.

Okay. "Dave the Dork."

"Dave the Piano Player."

That's strange.

There's no Dave the Ripper.

(Kirby) We're running out of time! I'll copy everything.

All right, you're on, Human Statue. Slow him down.

Your act is terrible.

Oh, why did I think that would work?

-(exclaims eerily) -Wah!

Come on.

(Kirby) Hey, Mitchell!

Prediction...

your blathering mouth is about to waste my precious time,

you rat-faced waste of space.

I have a medical condition.

I just wanted to see if you had any fun plans for the weekend.

No student has ever asked me that before.

On Saturday morning, I'm off to the gym

for my Princi-Pilates class. It's Pilates, but for principals.

I'm the only one in the class.

After that, it's into the kitchen for my signature seafood frittata.

It's not an omelet. That's a folded egg.

A frittata, is more of a scramble meets a soufflé.

-As if they were-- -Yeah, cool. Gotta run.

Rude.

Yeah, mission accomplished!

Whoa! Where's that laptop?

You mean this?

Anyway, my apologies,

but I gave Dave the files in exchange for ripping immunity.

When you have a girl's name, it's really the only option.

I gotta thank you, Kirby.

Because you just handed me ripping ammo in the entire student body!

You're gonna get ripped on! Your friends are gonna get ripped on!

Everybody's getting ripped on!

(sighs)

(announcer) Ripped!

Hey, Jeff, remember when you clogged the toilet?

In the ladies room? (laughs)

Hey, Amy, why don't you go fail gym again? Okay.

Hey, nice mopping skills, Ashley.

Next time try it with a guy's name!

But... ripping immunity.

There is no such thing as ripping immunity.

Ladies name, boom!

-Hey, you! -Weather the storm, Ashley.

Remember what the fortune-teller said...

"Be the janitor. Save the world."

(man) Way to go, Buckets!

(sighs) Word spread fast

that you gave Dave all the student records, huh?

I can't tell if Dave's the most hated kid in school...

or I am.

It's definitely you, Mr. Buckets.

I know all about your briefcase-capade.

You and your little team of imps

have bamboozled yourselves straight into a detention.

What about Dave? He's the one who actually has the files.

I kept a little dirt on myself in those files. I prefer not get out.

You do know he ripped a kid out of existence?

Trever Happied.

All Trever did was shed a few tears at a ballet recital.

Eli?

Eli. I know you can hear me.

If you had just kept your promise, none of this would have happened.

The only good part is no one's ripping on me anymore,

'cause Dave's ripping on everyone!

We still on for Fish Fu lessons this afternoon?

Absolutely.

(phone ringing)

Gil. Hey.

We still on for Gil-rate lessons this afternoon?

Absolutely.

We still on for our totally legit self-defense lessons right now?

Hey, Big Ricky!

Four words for ya.

Space-Camp-Trust-Fall.

Oh, come on, man! Zero gravity is a lie!

(exclaims dismissively)

Hey, Dave! We've all had enough of your ripping.

I hereby challenge you to a Rip Off.

You mean a Rip Battle?

Uh, it's a Rip Bat--

It's the same thing-- It's a Rip Bat--

You know what I mean.

But if I win, you have to delete the Mitchell files

and never rip again.

(scoffs) Fine. But if I win...

you have to legally change your name to anything I want.

And I've been waiting for someone to take me up on this

for a very long time.

Oh, you're on.

Prepare to have your heart ripped out...

Buckets.

Dawn, I need you to train me to beat Dave.

You're the meanest person I know.

Fine. I'll help you.

But only because Dave ripping on everyone

is an insult to everyone who struggles with insult blindness.

All I needed was a "yes."

Your art looks like sadness on a canvas.

That taco character looks like a turd got stuck on a hammock.

(groans)

Your mom's so...

Oh, wait, that's my mom, too.

And one day, you'll wake up to find that no one likes you

and everything around you is cold.

(announcer) Kirby Buckets vs. Dave the Ripper!

(roaring)

You ready, Butt-Butt Periwinkle?

That's what I'm going to change your name to.

Good luck finding a job with that name.

Let's do this.

(whistle blowing)

(announcer) Rip Battle!

Nice cape, Dave. Do you have to save the world?

Yeah. From your terrible cartoons.

I watched one yesterday.

Reminded me of what my sister's vomit tastes like.

You hear that? This guy eats his sister's vomit.

Hey, remember when you drew fake hair in your baby pits

to fool everyone on Tank Top Day?

-I was a late bloomer. -Oh, "was"?

I think you need this cape more than me...

Captain Baby Pits.

(Eli) Kirby...

I told you, stop looking out for me.

I can fight my own battles.

Behold...

the power of Fish Fu.

(ballet music playing)

(laughing)

Perfect Fish Fu.

It's decent Gil-rate, I guess.

(hawks, spits)

(crying) It's a beautiful dance.

There's no Dave the Ripper.

You ever hear of Trever Happied?

All Trever did was shed a few tears at a ballet recital.

You're Trever Happied,

the kid that cried at the ballet recital,

and then you changed your whole identity.

Ugh! Okay, fine!

I am Trever Happied!

(all gasping)

Dance moves me.

Is that such a crime?

I guess things aren't as they appear-ouette to be.

-(screaming) No! -(whistle blows)

Yeah!

Who needs help standing up for themselves now?

I just made a man cry with my intimidating martial arts moves.

You sure did, Eli. I was wrong to doubt you.

I was wrong, too.

I'm lucky to have a friend who has my back like you.

Yeah!

(cheering)

(sniffling)

It smells so bad.

But it feels so right.

(announcer) Ripped!

Isn't it great that we can just be ourselves now

without anybody judging us?

Even though in your case it means being a sad middle-aged man,

whose hair went out of style in 1991.

It is liberating.

Just like it would be liberating for you

to finally admit that no one in this school is ever going to like you.

I give up!

I just have to accept the fact that

I'm a nice person and everyone likes me,

and no one will ever be mad or offended by me.

Well, you don't have to rub it in.

Agreed. That was quite hurtful.

Would you say you're... offended?

Indeed, I would.

Huh!

This feels good.

Real... good.

-(Belinda) Ashley... -Hmm?

You missed a spot, loser! (scoffs)

"Be the janitor. Save the world."

(theme song playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪