Original subtitles

That's right. You, the Kirblammo! viewers, get to decide!

Will it be Tri-butt?

Scrunch Face?

Macho Taco?

Vote early, vote often,

because in Kirblammo 's "Kill-A-Character" contest...

someone will die!

Wait, what?

Let's talk about this.

Yeah, man!

I just bought a gym membership.

Kirby, reconsider.

Sorry guys, but my fans love this stuff.

Somebody's gotta feel the pain, and it's not gonna be me.

-(snap) -(screams)

I can't help but feel you had that coming.

(groans)

(theme music playing)

(Man) ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

(mutters)

I can't believe the city set 900 bear traps to catch one bear.

I can't believe you're leaving me alone with Great-Grandma Inga!

I can't back out of this anniversary trip again! I tried.

If your mom catches me heating up a thermometer

with a light bulb one more time, I'm dead.

Besides, Inga's quirky, but...

No, she's a nightmare.

And she has raw bacon breath.

Everybody loves bacon.

And she's completely paranoid about ghosts.

Aw, come on. You know, when I was young,

she used to sing me this lullaby.

♪ Children, dear children ♪

♪ The beast comes tonight ♪

♪ You screams will not protect you ♪

♪ He will grind your bones for bread ♪

Wow. That is terrifying, huh?

Is she here?

No, not yet thankfully.

That woman is kind, and loving, and generous.

And the only living person that likes you more than me.

Which makes her a genius and my favorite relative, so...

(groans)

Aw, come on! Right in front of me?!

Hey, what's all this?

I signed the school Jazz Band

as my first non-Kirby client for Fresh Fish Management...

but they don't have any money.

Of course a jazz band doesn't have any money...

because people hate jazz and it's terrible.

Exactly.

So, I'm throwing a fundraiser where people pay money

to watch the Jazz Band drummer try to break the school record

for longest drum solo.

So, why am I here?

Because for some reason, you're amazing at getting people to give you money.

(strumming)

(dreamy music plays)

Fine. I'll help.

But I'm not doing it for jazz.

I'm doing it for you.

Hi. I'm the Jazz Band director.

Thank you for supporting jazz.

I don't. I really don't.

Uh, Fish, we have a problem.

What happened to Danny's hand?

Uh, he got it caught in a bear trap.

One of these days, they're gonna catch that bear.

What are we gonna do? If we go broke, the Jazz Band is over.

We have real problems!

Look, I hired a kid as our manger, for crying out loud!

Okay, calm down.

I'm just gonna break the record myself.

Thank you, Fish! You're a life saver!

Let's celebrate with some jazz!

-Wait! -(jazz music plays)

Mmm.

That's enough of that.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Fish, you can't play this drum solo.

What are you talking about?

I'm a good drummer. I mean, I can do it.

When you drum, you have a terrible drum face.

That is ridiculous, okay?

My drum face is completely fine and...

Oh, sweet mercy!

They don't let me eat my cow knuckles on bus!

(huffs)

Hi, Great-Grandma Inga.

Man who ride in next seat talk the whole way

and he smell very bad.

Like dead bird when you rinse in wolf milk.

and leave in sun.

Grandma Ing-y!

It's your favorite great-granddaughter.

Hold, please.

Oh, you brought me a gift.

Why is it so sticky?

(Great-Grandma Inga) Not gift.

To keep evil spirits away.

Eh, sticky from bat poop.

Now that is done, I can give

big hug to my favorite great-grandchild.

Oh.

I'm your favorite, right?

Were favorite.

Kirby new favorite!

I finally get Internet.

Your cartoons make me laugh!

-Aah! -(coos)

Oh, you're a baby.

But do not worry, baby.

Inga here to take care of you.

Dawn, you're grown woman

with hands like husky man.

You will make dinner.

Now Kirby, I saw on your Internet show

you're thinking of killing Squishy Face Man.

(Scrunch Face) Wait...

what's happening?

It's not that we don't like you,

it's that everybody doesn't like you.

Yup. That's a fact.

I want to pound you!

Killing off a characters is a great way to bring in new viewers.

Well, then kill Three Bums, or Doctor Punch, or Taco-Taco.

Squishy Face is my favorite.

I don't know why, but he speaks to me.

(Both) Bleh! Ugh!

(Both) This soup is terrible!

Taste like vomit chowder.

Yeah, I guess I could see that.

Ing-y, I made you a special cake!

(Dawn) The girls are back in town, right, Ing-y?

In my country, when you put picture on cake,

it steals part of your soul!

Now, I have less soul.

I'm sorry?

You don't kill Squishy Face Man.

He's gentle like me,

and he will not do well in the afterlife.

You know Scrunch Face isn't a real person, right?

You don't know that.

Now, I take you upstairs.

Out of way, husky hands.

You know what? Fine! I don't need to be your favorite.

You're not the only old lady in this town, you know!

Okay, guys. It's the big moment.

And I wanna just thank everyone who voted.

The winner of Kirblammo's "Kill-A-Character" contest is...

(All) No! No way, man! No, no, no, no!

With 98% of the vote, it's...

-Scrunch Face! Enjoy! -(Macho Taco) Yes!

-No, no, no, no! -(thump)

-(screams) -(thumping)

-(snap) -(screams)

(screams)

Ha ha! I'm fine.

I'm totally fine!

Oh.

(chuckles)

(bang)

What. Have. You. Done?!

I know you loved him, but the fans decided.

I gotta give them what they want.

You bring Squishy Face back.

Until then...

I make weekend very unpleasant.

(door slams)

Why is it so cold in my room?

Where'd all my blankets and jackets go?

Maybe someone steal them.

You should lock your door at night.

Anyone can come in and take things.

Is that the pancakes I asked for?

That...

or oatmeal made with beetle.

You gotta get out of here, Kirby!

She put some gross stuff in this oatmeal!

Look Inga, I know you're upset about Scrunch Face,

but I made a promise to my fans.

I can't bring him back.

And if I did, I'd lose their trust.

Hey! What are you doing?

You need less distractions.

Eat your beetle.

Wha...

-(phone rings) -Oh.

-(beep) -Hello?

It's your father.

Kirby cannot talk now.

No! Dad, come home! Help!

Everything fine.

(beep)

Look what I found.

(grunts)

Big baby.

Hi. Sorry, do you have any old people you aren't using?

Right. Sorry.

I need to hang out with an old lady

to make my great-grandma jealous.

All right. You know what? I'll just browse.

(coughs)

Oh, get it together.

(television chatter)

It's not that hard to use a remote, dude.

-(groans) -It's like...

(Both) You've never eaten applesauce before.

Um... hello.

Stare much?

Hi. I'm Dawn.

I was wondering if, uh, maybe you'd want to hang out?

Oh, you're one of those do-gooders who wants to read to me?

Well, hit the bricks, tight pants.

I learned how to read when I was four.

Wait, we don't have to read.

We could play games.

How about we play shuffleboard?

You shuffle on outta here because I'm bored.

Listen, lady. I need to make my great-grandmother jealous

so I'll be the favorite instead of my terrible brother.

You gonna help me or not?

So you despise your brother, huh?

With the fire of a thousand suns.

I happen to despise my brother, too.

What do you say you and I have a little fun?

(laughs maniacally)

Well, I guess I have to back out

because there's no way people can see my drum face.

It isn't pleasant.

You don't have to keep saying that!

Ah, there you are. Look, great news!

Thanks to you, we got a real chance

at saving the Jazz Band!

-But Mr... -Look! Hey, everyone!

We are bringing back jazz!

It's not just for elevators anymore!

Let's get a huge round of jazz applause

for our hero, Fish Fisher.

-(all snap) -No... he... but...

(All) Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

I...

guess I should break that record! (laughs nervously)

-Yes! Yeah! -(all snapping)

Kirby, I bathe now!

You draw Squishy Face!

Otherwise, more beetle!

(sighs, grunts)

More cushion for the cushion, my friend!

(grunts)

And here we go!

Whoa! Whoa!

(screams)

(thudding, clattering)

(grunts)

Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

How's my Squishy...

Why are you so sweaty and red like cabbage?

Because I'm angry that I can't bring Scrunch Face back.

You can't?

No. Because we're all out of batteries, which I need

for my drawing tablet.

Tablet use batteries?

Oh, yeah. Everything uses batteries these days.

Batteries in remote.

I go get batteries.

Okay, we go to store.

Hey, Kirby. (gasps)

This place has bad mojo

like icy wind under my neck.

That may be my malfunctioning air conditioner.

Man with mustache forehead seem possessed.

We need to hurry. I get batteries.

Gil, you gotta help me. Call my dad!

I'm being held hostage by my great-grandmother.

That bewitching specimen is your great-grandmother?

Okay, then Kirby, may I have permission

to take your great-grandmother out to the dump

to throw shingles at the seagulls?

Gil, listen to me. This isn't a joke.

My great-grandmother's a monster!

Monster am I?

We leave now.

Wait! No! Gil! Gil!

It's okay, Kirby.

I'll be an awesome great-step-grandfather.

(drumming)

This is great, Eli!

I mean, super fun, but you know what would be more fun?

If people could actually see him drumming.

Yeah. Fish just needs a little privacy.

How you doin' back here?

-So, do you need any... -(snap)

(all scream)

-(wails) -Fish!

(Fish) It's not contagious!

It's just my drum face!

(phone ringing)

(Inga's voicemail) Leave message or don't.

-(voicemail beeps) -Hey, Ing-y.

Just wanted to let you know

I'm having a blast with this cool old lady.

Say hi to my great-grandma, Elaine.

You don't sound that great to me.

Now, hang that up and let's do this.

(clacking)

(both giggle)

(camera clicks)

(grunts)

(random piano keys play)

(laughs)

(camera clicks)

(wails)

(laughs)

(camera clicks)

-(whoosh) -(beep)

Aah!

(gasps)

-(gasps) -Oh...

there those are...

Now, you put in tablet.

Turns out tablets don't use batteries. (laughs nervously)

So, you double-trick me.

I think we clean under bandages now.

Actually, it's still super sore,

so maybe we should wait, um, until tomorrow

-or after you leave. Aah! -(bristling)

(screams)

I'm alive!

Now, I can see who came to my funeral.

Yes!

All my favorite people came!

(chuckles)

My Squishy Face Man.

Oh, he looks wonderful.

I knew you'd come around.

(sighs)

I want another Squishy Face.

There's already a whole family of Scrunch Faces.

Hey! What are you lookin' at?

Ow! Who put that wall there?

Ow! Get out of my way!

Yes, Inga.

(Kirby types)

I think you don't need other characters now.

Make them go away.

You mean kill them?

You have a whole Squishy Face family.

You don't need others now.

But I'm already losing online subscribers by the minute!

Your feet look like they need another scrubbing.

Sorry, guys.

-No! -Come on, man!

-Please! -Kirby!

Think of my butts!

(all wail)

(pop)

-(sighs) -Good boy.

-Elaine! -Dawn? What are you doing here?

Well, it turns out Inga doesn't get jealous easily.

But that doesn't matter because I had the best time...

Wait, who is this?

This is my granddaughter, Carla.

I was only hanging out with you to make her jealous.

But I...

we were friends.

Yeah, not really.

You were kind of a rebound granddaughter.

Why do I keep getting replaced?!

You think my face is so terrible?

I'll show you what a guy with drum face can do!

I'm breaking that record!

Eli, I have to go to the bathroom.

(drumming continues)

(toilet flushes)

(hand dryer whirs)

(drumming continues)

Okay, you win.

Everybody likes you more than me. You happy?

Wait, no annoying response?

Just stay away from the old woman.

She'll break you.

Wait, Inga broke you?

I'm supposed to break you.

I can't be replaced again.

Ow!

Get it together, loser!

I'm gonna go give that woman what's coming to her.

I don't know what we could do...

Dawn, I think I might have an idea.

(drumming continues)

Five, four, three, two, one!

(ding)

(Fish) That's for everyone with drum face!

(groans)

Jazz Band is dead.

Look, everyone took back their donations.

(Man) Maybe I can help with that.

-Who are you? -I'm a jazz man, Fish.

♪ Skiddle-ee-bop-bop- doo-bop-doo-bop-doo-bop-do ♪

And I've made a lot of money making music for elevators.

And Fish, your drum face tonight was everything jazz should be.

It was free-flowing! Original!

Really, really terrible.

I'd like for you to accept this check

for 1,000 smackeroonies

plus 32 centeroonies.

And Fish, whatever you do,

don't change that face.

It's pure jazz.

♪ Skiddle-ee-bop ♪

♪ Skiddle-ee-boop ♪

♪ Skiddle-ee-bop-bop- doo-bop-doo-bop-doo ♪

You did it, man! You saved Jazz Band!

You're the greatest manager in the world!

I am, aren't I?

Well, if I can do this,

I can do anything!

But...

I can't look at you in the eyes

after seeing that drum face, um, so you're fired!

Wait, what?

♪ Skiddle-ee-bop-bop- bop-a-bop-a-doo ♪

Sorry.

I thought I'd try it out.

It felt terrible.

(Inga snores)

Inga...

Who's there?

Who... who's talking?

Why did you send us to the afterlife, she-brother? Why?

You had us wiped from the buttocks of this planet,

which is super uncool!

Now that we've crossed over to the other side,

we're here to take you with us!

No! No! It... it can't be!

I... I have garlic dolls!

Dolls and garlic won't help you

unless you put them in your mouth.

Just kidding!

Those dolls are covered in bat poop!

(spits, sputters)

(Macho Taco) Oh, yeah!

(Macho Taco laughs)

Bat poop! (laughs)

(Kirby as Macho Taco laughs)

Please! Don't hurt me!

All I wanted was my Squishy Face back!

His name is Scrunch Face!

Get it right for once!

You did this to us!

And now we take you to the other side!

(screams)

(door opens)

Goodbye, Kirby!

Tell Squishy Face I never forget him.

(wails)

(laughs)

So, I just got off the phone with Inga.

She seems a bit unstable?

Something about ghosts and being sorry about all the beetle?

Anyway, you know, your mom and I are going to a wedding next weekend.

We're gonna need someone to watch you.

Oh, I'd be happy to watch him.

I'm your true tormentor, Kirby.

Maybe I could practice cleaning under his bandages now.

If you want.

Noooooooo!

Now! Uh...

The only thing haunting here

are your eyes.

-(snickers) -(mutters)

That was... I messed that up.

Pwup! Mm.

(Man) Look back. That's great.

(laughs, drums)

(both laugh)

-Oh, boy. -(both laugh)

-Can we cut? -(both laugh)