Original subtitles

(school bell rings)

Good morning, students, this is Principal Mitchell.

Welcome back from the long weekend.

(Kirby) Wait for it...

There have been a lot of changes here while you were away.

Most notably, I have had television monitors installed in every classroom.

(Kirby) Wait for it...

(Principal Mitchell) I hope now, when I deliver announcements,

you can see my face,

and know that I am serious.

Now.

(watch beeps)

(Fish) The Internet...

it contains more websites than there are stars in the Milky Way.

And every single one of them has been completely, utterly useless...

(rock music plays) until now!

"Kirblammo!" A new universe of animation!

Coming soon.

Kirby Buckets, to my office, immediately.

Serious.

(laughing)

This announcement is over.

(theme music plays)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

I still don't understand why you think you need new characters.

If I'm gonna have my own web channel,

I need a lot of new content.

And that means new characters, so it doesn't get old.

I have three butts!

How does that get old?

They don't have four butts, do they?

This guy's "Shredlock," and he--

And I control the power of magic through sick guitar riffs!

-(rock music plays) -(thunder rumbles)

Well, that's pretty cool, I guess,

but can he shuffle a deck of cards with his butts?

Whoa!

I'm feeling contagious.

(laughs)

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all.

Yeah, that's "Germama." She's pretty gross.

Later, loser.

And my last new character is...

Dangerbird!

The greatest stunt chicken of all time!

Well, at least he used to be, before all those head injuries.

Dare me to eat this ball of barbed wire! 'Cause I'll do it!

No, I don't want to do it! I'm doing it!

You don't have to do this, Kirby.

I can change.

I can eat barbed wire.

Mmm.

Aah!

(laughs)

Kirby!

Oh, sorry, Dad. Didn't see you there.

Yeah, I figured that about two minutes in.

Come on! We're gonna go watch some home movies.

Uh, yeah, sorry. I got a lot of work.

Nope. Not today.

For weeks, I've been trying to share cherished memories with my family,

and everyone's ignoring me.

So, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to pull the "Dad card" on this one.

-♪ Happy, happy ♪ -Home movies are the best.

♪ Birthday, birthday ♪

-♪ To myself ♪ - (Mom) Gosh, Kirby, you capture Dawn.

♪ To myself ♪

-♪ Happy, happy, birthday ♪ -This VHS digitizer

is the best investment I ever made.

Plus, now all our memories are stored in the Claude.

Don't you mean the "cloud"?

-(singing continues) -No. It says "The Forest Hills Claude."

Must be a copyright thing.

Kirby, I know I'm your mom, but I'm also a fan.

Honey, call a museum!

Why do we have to watch these?

So I can remember that you guys have always liked Kirby more than me?

Dawn, you know that's not true.

We love you and Kirby the exact same amount.

We just... We love you differently, that's all.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'd rather not elaborate. Okay?

Kirby, you are the best thing that I've ever done in my life.

This is what I'm talking about.

-You know, I'm so sick and ti-- -Ooh, Kirby!

How's that new web channel going?

Your father and I are so excited about the big launch.

Oh, you should put some home movies on there.

Sort of a "making of the young artist" thing.

-You know? -Mm-hmm.

That's how they do.

What's her deal?

Being Dawn.

Oh, that's just great work, guys, seriously. Super work.

Hey, how's you drawing hand feeling? Should I book you a hand massage?

I'm gonna do it. I'll book you a hand massage.

I'm fine, but why are you acting so weird?

You're not the only one taking the next big step here, Kirb.

I'm a talent manager now.

And if I can't take care of my one and only client,

then Fresh Fish Management

is not worth the money I spent on these business cards.

Your dad gave me the number of his business card guy.

If you really want your web channel to take off,

you might want to include a new brand of comedy.

Something, say, more positive and uplifting.

Like the comedy routine I've been working on.

And what's the deal with this guy?

Is it just me,

or is this a guy who can achieve anything he sets his mind to?

-(rim shot) -Oh!

-(groans) -That's not a joke. You're terrible.

And you clearly have a lot of confidence to shout out like that.

-(rim shot) -Ooh!

I call it, "Stand up for You."

Don't listen to him, Kirb.

Your stuff is perfect, and soon, it will be everywhere.

I've lined up tons of sponsorships from local art stores

and endorsements from every weatherman in town.

For real? You lined all that up?

Sort of.

They're waiting to see what Big Ricky's review looks like.

You're gonna be in "Ricky's So Picky"?

Everybody in school reads that blog.

Yeah, I know, and he hates everything.

The lunch lady calls them "buttered yams."

She should just call them "butt yams." Cause that's what they taste like.

Butt.

(phone chimes)

You're fired.

Get out of my cafeteria,

and take your butt yams with you.

Don't worry. The review's gonna be great.

I invited Big Ricky to a party specifically designed to win him over.

We've got his favorite foods, his favorite music.

I even made these hats up.

What'dya think?

I think I should have hired a manager for my manager.

How is it that I, the older, wiser, and more attractive child,

am constantly overlooked?

I mean, has nobody noticed my stepped-up eyebrow game?

Yeah. Totally.

Hey, speaking of "stepped-up game,"

have you noticed anything different about anyone else, lately?

Like, maybe someone you know sporting a bold, edgy new look?

Belinda, we're ranting about Kirby here.

You have no idea what it's like to be ignored.

Gotta make Kirblammo perfect...

Whoo! Who wants to call some chickens?

You call that animation?

You should call it butt-imation.

Argh.

Germama, no!

Foul beast, eat my riffs!

(plays guitar riff)

Oh!

Aah!

You wanna dance, big boy?

Let's dance!

Ba-gock!

(moans)

Aah!

(sighs)

(mutters)

Is he okay?

He's probably just dreaming

about fighting off fans after his huge launch.

Honestly, I'm so sick of how everybody--

Hello...

Well, look at what we have here.

It appears Kirby has left his precious web page

conveniently open and unguarded

for anyone to do with as they please.

That, she notices.

I think it's time we give Kirby the launch he deserves.

(laughs maniacally)

-Hey, Dawn, have you seen my... -Tablet?

Yeah, why do you-- Is that Dad's spinny chair?

Did you bring that up here

so you could do that lame super-villain spin?

Maybe.

But let's not focus on furniture.

You've got bigger problems.

"Kirb-lame-o"?

You like it, Lame-o?

Everybody seems so excited about your big launch.

I thought they deserved something they might actually wanna watch.

The Dad chronicles continue,

as we venture into the secret world of Kirby.

No, I love Kirby more.

I love Kirby more.

Aah! It's an art thing!

Turns out Dad's old home videos had some real gems.

Okay, Dawn, you had your fun.

Now change it back. My launch is in a couple of hours.

Sorry, loser,

but you can't get your website back.

I changed the password and completely locked you out.

I'm turning my back on you now.

End of conversation.

Kirby, we need to fix this before the launch party.

Okay, I spent a lot of money trying to impress Big Ricky.

Do you think this tie is cheap?

I know, that's why we're here.

Oh, I get it.

I don't get it.

We're here for this.

Oh, now I get it.

I still don't get it.

I put an embarrassing video of Dawn on a waterproof flash drive

and stuffed it inside one of these eggs.

I just don't remember which one.

Oh, yeah.

Green and unclean.

Just how I like it.

Don't you dare lay a hand on those eggs!

They're my babies, you sickos!

Hey, idiot, male chickens don't lay eggs.

You don't know me!

Wait, good point. Carry on.

Admiring the pickled eggs, huh?

Yeah, those things have been here longer than I have.

But that doesn't make them the boss of me.

Go ahead, try one.

Ugh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

I don't sell food just to be wasted, Kirby.

No matter how great it thinks it is.

You have to eat everything you buy.

Seriously?

Do I not look serious to you?

Well, lucky for you, I happen to love pickled eggs.

(gagging)

Nope. I was wrong.

They're awful.

They're really, really, awful.

(groaning)

Come on, where's that flash drive?

Oh, you mean this thing?

I found it floating in my egg jar a few months ago.

I've been using it as a really light, and therefore useless, paperweight.

The Dawnbreaker.

The most embarrassing video of Dawn ever.

(vomiting)

(vomits)

♪ And that's why I love ♪

♪ My mom ♪

Turn it off!

Our demands are simple.

You change back my website.

And buy each of us nachos for our trouble.

Chimichangas.

Chimichangas.

I know this might not be a great time,

but have you noticed anything about my ha--

Done. You first.

Delete the video.

You first. Put back my animation.

Absolutely not. You first.

Uh-uh. You first.

Negative. You first.

-You first. -You first.

Hey!

How about we get a mediator?

I'm glad you called me to help.

I'm so proud of you two for solving it on your own

-in a civilized-- -Dad, stop talking.

Righty-o.

All right. Gotta move that.

Moving files...

Combining.

-(computer chimes) -And there we go.

All done dot com,

dot Dad.

Oh, just to be clear,

I was definitely supposed to upload your video

and delete all of yours, right?

Ooh, yeah...

I thought I mighta gotten that wrong.

All my work, it's gone!

I just wanna say in my defense, I've always pretended to be

more comfortable with computers than I really am.

No. No, no, no, no no.

The Internet cannot find that video.

Don't worry. No one's seen it yet. We can just delete it. See?

Video gone.

It's gonna be fine.

It's no good, Belinda, it went online.

That means there's some version of it floating around the Claude.

Don't you mean "cloud"?

That's what I thought, but it's definitely the Claude.

Yeah, definitely the Claude.

Wait, wait, wait, that's it!

We can just go to the Claude and get everything back.

I don't think it's a real place, Fish.

Then why is there an address listed for it right here?

"The Forest Hills Claude.

Storing your data for latah."

All right, you guys go handle the launch party.

Keep Big Ricky there and happy.

I'm gonna go get my stuff back.

I'm coming too. I need to make sure that video is deleted forever.

I think Dawn may have forgotten I was here.

I hit my head in the garage last week, passed out.

I woke up the next day,

no one even knew I was gone.

Oh, hey, my shoe's untied.

Well, at least I didn't commit to this haircut.

Is there something... different about you?

You got glasses?

(Kirby) Shouldn't this place be bigger?

Huh.

What do you want with the Claude?

These are real nunchucks, by the way.

-Whoa. -And because of my lack of training

and sub-par depth perception,

they're twice as dangerous...

to all of us.

Dude, calm down, we're just here to get some videos back.

Good. Because these are not actually real nunchucks.

And I have no training whatsoever.

Sorry, I don't get a lot of customers here.

Mostly just lawyers from the Cloud complaining about their copyrights.

Whatever. I don't know why they bother me.

Well, maybe it's 'cause of the name and all the fog.

Well, when your wedding DJ father skips town,

and all he leaves you with is a smoke machine,

you use it.

A lot.

(coughing)

Uh, all right.

So, what is all this stuff, then?

This is all real backups.

Paper emails, framed selfies, VHS video tapes.

We all know computers aren't here to stay.

And so, once that fad you call "the Internet" is over,

people are gonna want copies of their stuff.

And that's when they're all gonna come running to the Claude.

That's me. I'm the Claude.

-Oh. -I didn't properly introduce myself.

The Kirby.

The Dawn.

Hey, Fresh Fish Management. I can manage.

Hey, give me a call, we'll talk business.

Hey, is this thing gonna happen, or what? I don't got all day.

Don't worry, we'll be launching shortly.

And speaking of which, have you tried our grilled cheese and banana appetizer?

Your fave.

I did.

Which reminds me...

More like grilled cheese and butt-nana. Haha.

Seriously, bananas should just peel themselves and shut up.

(phones chime)

I sure hope Kirby's close.

So, there you have it.

Computers are evil,

and the sooner they're all gone,

the happier we'll be as a society.

And then my parents will get back together,

and we'll be a happy family again.

Yeah, man. We hate technology.

Hate it? You know, we don't even use toasters.

Yeah, see? Okay, you guys get it.

Not everybody gets it like you get it. Let me get your stuff.

Uh, new arrivals.

-Here we are. -(phone beeps)

What was that noise?

-Is that a cellular telephone? -No.

It is a cellular telephone, and you got a text message.

You have a web channel?

You lied.

-You love technology! -No...

Dawn, run!

Give me the video!

This is a clear breach of the Claude's user agreement!

The Dawn, The Kirby, get back here! Whoa!

Get back here!

Check it out, Kirby.

I'm Super Tri-Butt!

A brand new, totally original character.

I'll heroically lead you out.

Bum-ba-bum!

Oww!

Come on, let's go.

Aah!

My tape!

No!

Hey, come back here!

Dawn, we gotta go!

You may have gotten away,

but this tape will forever be in the Claude!

Hey.

This thing's never happening.

All right, you can tell Kirby he can expect an awful review.

But you didn't even watch it.

I save my most scathing reviews for the things I've never seen.

It's called being a critic.

Comedy!

(Eli) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Have you ever noticed how this girl has a great aura?

Like, "I'm cool, but I don't have to prove it?"

-(rim shot) -Oh!

Huh?

I don't get it.

I mean, those aren't real compliments, right? He's being sarcastic?

Uh... yeah?

Oh, okay. Cool.

It's okay, everyone. He's being sarcastic.

-(laughing) -It's funny because he's not being real.

-(rim shot) -Oh!

Try ignoring us now!

Yeah, you can't.

No time!

Well, I should get back to work.

My co-workers think I'm in the bathroom.

(hip-hop music plays)

Nope.

(music sputters out)

(crowd laughing)

Hey, Evan, heard you got an A on that English test.

You should feel really good about yourself.

-Oh! -(laughing)

Yeah, I'm gonna go before this inevitably gets stale.

Kirblammo!

(chainsaw motor whirring)

I'm Dangerbird!

The greatest stunt chicken of all time!

I eat danger for breakfast!

And I, Shredlock the Riff Wizard,

shall eat chicken for dinner.

Bock!

-(screaming) -(crowd laughs)

I have tasted of your meat, Danger Chicken,

and it pleases me.

(gags)

Gross. Butt feathers.

(laughing)

He said "butt feathers."

See, what did I tell you?

Fresh Fish Management always delivers.

And, uh, make sure you spell that right.

Hahaha!

Don't touch me.

Wow. I can't believe

we got Ricky's So Picky's first good review ever!

Well, second good review

if you count how much he loved Eli's "Stand up for You."

Eli, speaking of which, I'm not sure if you're looking for management,

but at Fresh Fish, the client is never frozen.

Sorry, Fish.

I'm getting out of the stand up game.

Everyone thought I was making fun of them.

It turns out, people just don't get comedy.

Well, I'm just glad everything turned out all right.

For me, at least.

Dawn, as long as that video's out there, you're never going to be safe.

So, you know what you have to do.

You have to destroy the Claude!

(laughing maniacally)

-Hahaha! -Aah!

Don't scare me like that!

I've been here for two hours!

How did you not notice me?

(whimpers)

-Rolling. -And marker.

-Maybe it's 'cause of... -(planes flying overhead)

All the planes.

Guys, those F-14 fighter planes that I ordered earlier came in.

-(laughing) -So...

Come on! Where's that paperweight?

-(laughing) -I mean, flash drive.

(whistling)

Good, cut, very good. One more like that.

We killing it.

(laughing)

(Kirby) Family cuddle.