Original subtitles

(Kirby) Moms claim they have eyes in the back of their heads.

If that was true, they'd just be staring into their own hair.

No, their eyes are in front,

which is much worse.

Hold it right there, mister.

Mom, sorry I'm late. I just had to rescue a baby raccoon

from a flock of falcons. I barely made it out of there alive.

Mm-hmm. So that wasn't you I saw just now

rubbing dirt all over yourself

to make it look like something happened?

Uh, they say that dirt helps the falcon-claw wounds heal--

why don't you zip it and skip it, mister?

One more lie, and there's going to be serious consequences.

I'm watching you, Kirby.

And I've got eyes in the back of my head.

Oh, really? Well, can your eyes do this?

(Kirby) Technically, my mom is not an alien,

but we are definitely from two different worlds,

and those worlds are about to collide.

(Both shouting)

(Theme music playing)

(Man) ♪ Hey ♪

♪ hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ hey ♪

-(Bell ringing) -Listen, I would like to go

to the museum of oval objects, but my mom needs me.

See, she watched the horror movie,

"My skull ate my head" last night,

and she's too scared to leave the house.

(Man's voice) Radical falsehood!

Yeah, my mom caught a bug in the Amazon,

and he tongue is the size of my head.

(Man) Champion deception!

My poor mom. I mean, you know the magic trick

where they saw the volunteer in half?

(grunts)

(Man) Mendacious whopper!

Dude, what do you think is going to be in the time capsule?

My brother Kurt says everything was crazy in the '90s.

You had an alligator for a pet, and you had to make your own ketchup.

I heard they had shoes that you pumped up with air.

No way, that's just crazy.

Hey, guys,

guess what I have on my schedule this week?

Nothing.

No tests, no homework,

all thanks to 23 of my patented mom-based excuses.

When you need an excuse, nothing works like a mom.

(Chiming)

Well, how do you keep your excuses straight?

Simple. These are all my excuses,

the teachers I gave them to, and what I got out of.

See, to get out of a history test,

I told Mr. Bostwick that my mom fell down a well.

Oh! This is amazing.

These are lies, and lies are evil.

Why do you think I'm boycotting my Nana's surprise party?

Don't think of them as lies. I like to think of them

as artificial trutheners.

They make everything sweet.

All right. Go over there, keep it lively, keep it cool.

Oh, you stretch here too. Cool.

Oh, aren't you guys "you wish," the dance troupe?

I hear you're doing a '90s retro dance tomorrow.

You know, that's a classic time.

Is it gonna be the macarena?

(Dance music playing)

The hammer?

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

-The achy breaky? -(Country music playing)

Dawn, please, you're embarrassing yourself.

We all know you're trying to join "you wish."

Your mom called my mom, which was gross.

She said you're super desperate to get in.

She said "desperate"?

Super desperate.

(Laughs)

(Eli) Why is Kirby grabbing at air?

Kirby?

Guys, I think I have it figured out.

If the way to get out of school is mom,

then the key to getting out of stuff with mom is school!

I present to you the activity club.

Smile!

And now we have an activity club photo to prove it.

There is no activity club.

I would know. I love activities,

except inactivity, which I only like.

I made it up, Eli. It's a fake club.

The perfect excuse for anything.

Come home late from school?

"Sorry, mom, I had a meeting at activity club."

Want to hang out with your friends at the S&P...

We have a meeting of the activity club!

Kirby, it's genius.

Until your mom finds out.

Separation of school and home.

As long as they never meet, I'm golden.

You did what?

I got a job as a sub!

I'm a be working at your school.

It's just a bad dream. Wake up, wake up.

You guys are getting older.

It's time for me to rejoin the workforce.

Mom, this is so not a good idea.

It is not that big of a deal.

What, do you have some super secret life at school

you don't want me to know about? (Laughs)

(Laughs weakly)

Come on, sweetie.

(glass rattling)

(fireworks exploding)

(sighs)

All ready for my first day of school!

How do I look?

I'll take the deadly stare as, "great, mom."

I love you, mom, but parents need boundaries.

Okay, let's rehearse again.

You see me walking through the hallway.

You feel this repulsive motherly urge to adjust my shirt.

-What do you do? -I walk on like we never met.

But really quick, you do have a little--

Ah! I told you. No matter what happens,

you cannot admit to anyone that you know me.

We never met. Okay, say it with me.

How can I say it with you if we never met?

Ooh! Am I good or what?

(explosion sound)

We never met.

Thank you, random lady. Now keep walking.

Got it.

(bell ringing)

You know, mom, I actually think it's good that you're here.

You do?

Yeah, I think it can be good mother-son bonding time.

And we can make a lot of memories.

And I'm not going to let you out of my sight.

Yes, keep your enemies close

and your moms closer!

Isn't that right, momsy?

Teacher alert! Take evasive action.

-I think your room's this way! -Hm?

Teacher alert! They're coming in too fast.

Actually it's in here.

All right, mom, have a nice class.

Thanks, Kirb, I'm really excited to finally--

Kirby, eventually your mom's going to run into a teacher.

I've caught you at last, Kirby!

Ha!

Now think about what you've done

for the next million years!

(voice echoing)

No!

Yeah, you guys have to help me make sure that doesn't happen.

If it involves lying, no can do.

What if we made it an activity for activity club?

What if smelling monkeys was an activity?

You think I'd do that?

Actually, I would. I love activities!

All right, we're in.

You're teaching my class?

Greetings, student who I've never met.

(bell rings)

'Morning, class.

-My name is Mrs... -(Dawn coughing)

Bu...

My name is Mrs. Bu,

is my name. And that is what you'll call me.

And you know what? We don't even need to put that "Mrs." on there.

What am I, the president? No.

No, I'm not.

I am just a peer with a bigger desk.

Now let's get our learn on.

I filled out the paperwork with the school and the activity club's official.

How does scraping the gum off the bottom of all the bleachers sound?

Because that's our first activity.

Super awful!

Eli, the whole point of this was to get out of doing stuff.

Mr. Fisher?

'Sup, Eli.

I heard about your new club

and frankly, I need some help with today's Past-A-Palooza.

Sign us up!

Eli!

Okay, fine.

Now remember, Past-A-Palooza is the time capsule opening ceremony,

not to be confused with Pasta-Palooza,

the all-you-can-eat pasta festival later this week.

Although there will be pasta at Past-A-Palooza, so bring your appetite.

(rock music playing)

Stay cool, little hombres.

That means that "a" squared plus "b" squared

equals who cares?

Blam! Sh'mon.

-(kids laughing) -That's right.

Who's your bu?

Ooh, you in the back there, picking your nose...

No, no. I like it.

Look at that, he's exploring.

Keep up that good work, Magellan.

So your assignment for tomorrow

is to think of your assignment for tomorrow.

Uh-oh. Did I just blow your minds?

This new sub is the coolest.

She gets me. She gets us all.

(bell ringing)

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Then we're gonna patch it, patch it, patch it, cross over...

What do we have here?

We're busy, Dawn.

Mrs. Bu is giving us some '90s pointers.

Right. Isn't my mom the bestest?

Mom, tell them who I am.

(clears throat)

You are, uh...

That girl who was in my math class.

That's right, mom, and Skyler here should know

that I'd be great for "you wish."

You wish.

Well, look at the time. I've got to run.

Maybe I'll see you and maybe I never will again,

random student whose name I have never known.

Mom, there you are.

You had to wait for me outside your classroom.

Sorry, Kirb, I have important teacher things I need to take care of.

Actually, that's a bad idea.

You know that I'm growing up so fast. Yesterday I found a gray hair!

It wasn't mine. But still, it could have been.

Why don't we Cherish these moments together?

(Man's voice) Mrs. Bundy.

Lie: scared by a movie.

-(beeps) -(buzzing)

-Is that a bee? -What?

(buzzing)

(grunting) No.

Poor Mrs. Buckets.

Still traumatized from watching "My skull ate my head."

Who wouldn't be?

I think it's gone.

(Man's voice) Mrs. Edelstein.

Lie: Amazon tongue.

Uh, mom, here, take a breath mint.

Ooh, I love breath mints.

Ahh! (gagging)

Hey, mom, why don't you meet my teacher Mrs. Edelstein?

(gagging) Hello.

(gargled) I'm ver-- I'm very-- I'm very pleased to meet you.

Hang on.

(Man's voice) Mr. O'Neil.

Lie: sawed in half by magician.

Um, mom, we found your jacket.

That's not my jacket!

Kirby, get me out of this. Kirby!

And after that magic trick,

the doctors were able to sew Mrs. Buckets back together,

but they made a few mistakes.

(growls)

Oh, whoops. Looks like we got you

the wrong jacket.

Yeah, duh.

(sighs)

Thanks for helping, guys.

Wait a minute, where is she going?

Excuse me. I think you missed a spot.

Mom?

Mrs. Buckets. May I help you?

I thought this was the bathroom.

It's the basement door.

Yeah.

I-- I thought that said, "babesment."

I trust you will be in attendance

at this year's Past-A-Palooza.

We're opening a time capsule from 20 years ago

when you were a student.

That is a co-inky-dink

that I had no idea about.

So can't wait.

Kirby!

What are you doing, mom?

-I was just looking for the-- -"Babesment"?

I heard you lie to Principal Mitchell.

That wasn't a lie, because when we went here,

the boys' room was called the dudesment,

-and the girls'-- -Mom.

I saw you take the janitor's keys.

What? How-- how-- how did these get in my hand?

Zip it and skip it.

What were you doing?

(sighs)

It's a long story,

and I'm afraid it involves your mother

in too much flannel.

It was 20 years ago.

I was a little bit older than you

and always getting in trouble.

One day I sort of egg-mcpocketed some guy

in front of Mitchell on his first day as principal.

-(Egg cracking) -He was all like,

"You just rocked a detention."

And I was all like, "Whatever, grandpa."

He hated eggs so much,

I filled that year's time capsule with eggs

that would rot for 20 years

and explode when the school opened it.

And everyone would know how much Mitchell stunk as principal.

That's hilarious!

No, it's not.

It's mean and it's not very smart.

I tried to stop it. I tried to get the time capsule before, but--

Wait. So that's why you got the substitute teacher job?

Yeah, I lied.

And here I am trying to set a good example.

I need to tell Principal Mitchell the truth.

Mom, wait.

Everyone lies once in a while,

maybe me more than others.

Okay, I do it, like, sort of all the time.

But I can help you get out of this.

It's sort of my thing.

(Eli) Isn't activity club the best?

No, Eli, it's work.

I don't want to be a floor manager.

But at least I get to see them open the time capsule.

Guys, we can't let them open the time capsule!

Huh. Should have seen that coming.

So are they going to help us get the time capsule?

That I never would have seen coming.

Stealing is even worse than lying,

but nothing's worse than letting down a mom.

(rock music playing)

Welcome to Past-A-Palooza.

Time travel with me back 20 years to the '90s

as we listen to music on a magical invention

called "the C.D."

-(all laughing) -To a time when America

was starting to surf on a web made out of Internet

and get jiggy with a new dance sensation,

the running man.

-(beat playing) -Ladies?

I have a plan.

-You do? -I'll distract them,

you go get that time capsule.

(Man's voice) Gutsy momma!

(knuckles crack)

Whoa! Hey, there.

This par-tay is just getting start-ay.

Keep hitting it.

(beat playing)

Let's go.

Eli, I need you to distract Mr. O'Neil for me.

Just make up something.

You mean lie?

What I do now I do for a mom.

(snoring)

Excuse me.

I have a really bad stomachache.

Can you take me to the nurse?

Mmm.

I really do have a stomachache.

I think it's from all this lying.

So I'm not really lying.

And I guess I'll feel better in no time.

(music continues)

Are you kidding me?

That should be me up on that stage.

(murmuring)

Not the best time, honey.

"Honey." You see? She is my mom.

Stop. Stop the music.

(music stops)

Well, thanks to you, Miss Buckets, I just lost the groove.

Let's get this time-capsule garbage over with.

(sighs)

(beeping)

No. No, wait!

(beeping)

No!

The eggs!

(beeping fast)

(all gasping)

(all vomiting)

(Both chuckling)

Gross.

Now I believe that's your mom.

That isn't my mom.

Sorry.

You know what?

We deserve this.

(laughs) I know, right?

Congratulations, Buckets plural.

You both just rocked a detention

and clean-up duty.

Sawed in half? Amazon tongue? Activity club?

I thought I was bad when I was your age.

You were.

Well.

I thought I made myself clear. No laughing, no talking, just cleaning.

No more lies, Kirby.

Okay, mom, deal.

But Principal Mitchell said not to talk.

Well, this is important. I want to set a good example--

-It was him! -It was her!

You just rocked a detention.

Whatever, grandpa.

-(Both laughing) -I...

I have to tell you,

when I feel my collars flapping,

that's some serious wind.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ hey ♪

(theme music playing)

(boy) "X!"