Original subtitles

(Kirby) It's good to have interests,

like Fish with his hat collection.

Or Eli with his weird interest in Fish's hat collection.

But you've got to be careful,

or your little interest can become an obsession.

And trust me,

obsession can be a dangerous thing.

Especially when you're the object of it.

(whirs)

(theme music playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

(Fish) Kirby, this is bad.

Like really, really bad.

I wanna watch it again!

♪ Oh, you're getting straight up served ♪

♪ B y a mom and a wife ♪

♪ if we punished weak rhymes you'd be grounded for life ♪

(father) Oh, that was too much!

-Kirby, your rebuttal. -Boom shakalaka!

♪ My name is Kirby buckets and I'm here to say... ♪

Um...

-(music slows, stops) -(mother) Nothing.

I can't believe you rap-battled your mom

and lost!

And somehow Dawn rigged it

so that whenever someone searches my name, the video comes up.

Guys, bad news!

My Nana Porter's been sending me $100

for every birthday, Christmas, and prank Williams Jr. Day

for the last 10 years.

Turns out she had the wrong address,

so they were just gathering at the post office!

-Eli... -(whirs, dings)

...that's $3,000!

Do you know what you could do with that much?

It's all I can think about. I could buy 3,000 $1 tacos

or 1500 $2 taco supremos.

And I don't even like tacos!

There's too much pressure!

Whoa, Eli. Shh.

Calm down. I can help.

Because you have so much experience with unexpected money?

Because imagining what I'd do if I was suddenly rich

is pretty much all I think about.

Thank you so much, Fish!

This is a huge weight off my shoulders.

(sighs)

You know what? That's just so great!

Because everyone's problem is solved.

Oh, wait, no, it isn't!

The Internet still has a video of me losing a rap battle to my mom!

So now, when people look up Kirby, they'll see him the way I see him,

as an idiot.

-(unenthusiastically) Yay. -(popping)

What's going on?

You've been acting really weird all day.

-(popping) -What's that?

Bubble wrap!

Oh, come on! Don't tell me you're popping again?

No, no! No.

I mean, yes, a little.

What about two years ago? Remember what that stuff did to you?

-(laughing hysterically) -(popping)

Pop! Pop!

I tried to quit! I did!

I'm just not strong enough.

Okay, well, I'm gonna help you get through this,

no matter how weird and specific your obsession is.

Hand it over.

All of it.

Go!

What's she see in this stuff, anyway?

So what? It pops.

-(pops) -Ooh, mildly satisfying. No big deal.

-Well, maybe one more. -(pops)

(sighs) A.V. Club, huh?

It's worth a shot, I guess.

Ow! No computer problem too big to handle, huh?

Uh, hey, um, I saw your flier,

and I have a pretty big Internet problem.

Newsflash.

They're all big Internet problems.

So, what's up?

I did an online search for my name this morning and...

...and you found something embarrassing that you want taken down?

-(sighs) -You noobs are all the same.

Here. Fill this out.

I'll get to it in two to three weeks.

"Two to three weeks"?

I need this taken care of now.

The only way I can get it to you faster is if you're a member of the A.V. Club,

and as you can see,

we only accept the best of the best.

Well, hey, Chip.

I'm the best of the best. Where do I sign up?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't just "sign up."

If you want to be in the A.V. Club,

you've got to prove to me that you absolutely love audio/visual,

and I have no idea how you're gonna do that.

I've got a couple ideas.

(electronic music plays)

(shouting)

-(both ululate) -(laughs)

That was by far the most fun I've had in this room with another person present.

You, sir, are a true lover of audio/visual.

Welcome aboard.

Here is your official A.V. Club manual.

I think you'll find the author intelligent, yet approachable.

Um, great. So, you'll get that video taken down?

Absolutely.

I gotta ask before I solve this problem of yours--

would you consider us friends?

♪ I'm lil' rapping Kirby, you want your problems to end? ♪

♪ Just say this guy chip is your best... ♪

-♪ Buddy? ♪ -(record scratches)

Uh, yeah.

Totally. Good friends. The best.

Yes!

-(types) -And there you go.

All set, buddy.

I don't know, Kirby.

It doesn't seem right to say you're friends with somebody

just to get something from them.

It'll be fine. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

(Chip over intercom) Attention, students of Forest Hills Junior/Senior High.

I'd like to announce that I, Chip Willis, and Kirby Buckets

are now best friends!

Isn't that right, Kirby?

(Kirby from recording) Uh, yeah. Totally. Good friends. The best.

(Chip) I shall now sing a song that I wrote in his honor.

(clears his throat) (singing badly) ♪ You are my friend ♪

♪ My best friend ♪

♪ And we'll be friends right down to the end ♪

So, how about putting the $3,000 in the bank?

That is maybe the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard you say.

Eli, we need to find a way to make this money work for us,

and that means finding a great idea to invest in.

Guys, we got a problem.

How many times a day do you look yourself up online?

You went to Mr. Fun's fun-time fun zone without me?

I hear it's fun.

No, Eli, they're fake.

Chip made them.

A three-humped camel.

Isn't that crazy?

Oh, and that guy's weird.

And he's already texted me over 50 times today.

"Happy 9-hour friend-iversary."

"Do you think our dads will like each other?"

"What size pants do you wear?"

"Happy 9-hour and 12-minute friend-iversary."

I bet a video of you and your pretty cool mom

doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

♪ I'm telling you man, my rhymes are the bomb ♪

♪ I don't know how I lost to my ♪

mother? Oh, man, I stink at this.

No, it's still pretty bad.

Where have you been all day? Are you okay?

I was just thinking that instead of quitting bubble wrap,

you and I could get a whole bunch more,

then play with it for the rest of our lives.

Oh, no, it's sunk its bubbly claws into you, hasn't it?

I'm sorry, Dawn,

but I really need to stay strong and--

(popping)

(chuckles)

Meet me after school.

I know where we can get more.

(beeps)

Chip! I came as soon as I--

-Kirby. -Aah!

So, you got my text then?

The one where you said you were choking on a walnut,

that you didn't have much time left and that it was definitely not a joke?

Turns out that was a joke.

Hey, you read chapter five of the A.V. Club manual,

"live-streaming audio and video the Chip Willis way," right?

Anyway, check this out!

I've rigged the camera on your sister's phone,

and streamed it to this website.

Her whole life is on the Internet for everyone to make fun of.

That'll teach her to mess with my best friend's search results.

-(laughing and popping) -Yeah, Chip, this isn't cool.

You gotta take it down.

What? Oh, no, this is nothing.

It's not like I made her my special strawberry-rhubarb pie,

but secretly put all my old baby teeth inside that pie,

and then made her eat that very same pie.

Now, that would be weird.

Yeah, listen, Chip.

I don't think we should hang out anymore.

(chuckles) I mean, just because I've been super busy

with, uh...

Poster Club.

And a whole bunch of other stuff.

I just don't have time for friends anymore.

Isn't that sad?

I should just get going, you know?

I'm gonna go. See you around.

(door closes)

So, when Fish told me we needed a great idea to invest in,

I thought, "you know who has great ideas?"

Principal Mitchell.

Hawaiian shirt Friday on a Wednesday?

Genius!

A hump day classic, yes.

And as Eli's financial advisor,

I should let you know we are considering a lot of other ideas.

No, we're not.

So, what do you have for us?

Well, I do have one idea.

Born out of my own personal anguish.

-Actually, on second tho-- -I was but a young lad...

...giving a report to my classmates

when suddenly everyone started pointing at my pants

and laughing.

It wasn't until I looked down that I saw the source of my humiliation.

My fly was down.

I had been betrayed by my own pants.

The pain of that day has haunted me ever since.

And so, I developed a device

that would discreetly alert me when my zipper was down

And zip it back up for me.

I've worn it literally every day of my adult life.

I call it

"The fly spy."

We're in!

So, that's the wrap?

Oui.

(pops)

That's a firm pop.

High quality.

Okay. We'll take it.

More?

Sorry, we don't need it that much.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course we do!

(chattering)

Oh, hey, buddy!

Welcome to the party.

Chip? What are you doing here?

(laughing)

Kirby, I cannot believe you didn't tell us about this one.

Do you know we almost didn't let Chip into the house?

But then, he just knew so darn much about you, we knew you had to be good friends.

I can't believe you didn't tell me it was your parents' anniversary.

I had to find out from the online court records, silly.

Hey, Kirb, check this out.

Chip installed smart appliances in the house as an anniversary gift.

I can turn on the garbage disposal from all the way over here.

Finally!

-(beep) -(disposal whirs)

This home is no longer safe!

Oww, oww, oww, oww!

(father laughing) I feel like a wizard!

A garbage-disposing wizard.

(evil voice) You shall not stay in my sink!

-(evil melody) -(laughing)

So, Kirby, your mom was telling me

about how you were hanging out with Fish and Eli after school, today.

They must be pretty special guys

for you to blow off all your super important obligations.

You must like them a lot more than me, huh?

Uh, yeah, I mean, the thing about that, Chip--

(laughs) Just messing with you, bestie.

-(laughing) -(Chip) Check it out.

To top off a magical evening,

I thought I would treat everyone to my signature dessert:

strawberry-rhubarb pie.

Ooh-la-la!

(Chip's voice echoing) Strawberry-rhubarb pie.

-Rhubarb pie. -(babbling)

Baby teeth!

No!

(grunting and yelling)

Kirby, what are you doing?

You can't eat that pie! That weirdo put his baby teeth in it!

Kirby, that's crazy talk.

I would never serve your parents a pie with baby teeth in it. We're friends!

No, we're not, Chip! Don't you get that?

I already have friends!

All I need from you right now is to stay away from me!

Oh.

I see.

I'll just be going then.

Chip, wait.

Are we still going camera-shopping this weekend?

I no longer believe that would be appropriate, Mr. Buckets.

(phone ringing)

(beep) Hello?

(Chip) I forgive you.

I get it now.

You have two great friends in your life,

and you don't think you have room for one more.

Listen, Chip, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but--

So, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna make it so Fish and Eli aren't around anymore.

That way, there'll be plenty of room in your life

for your new best buddy, Chip.

Bye now.

Fish! You and Eli are in big trouble!

(Chip) Oh, sorry, Kirb.

I kind of rigged it so that your phone would only call my phone now.

Oh, by the way,

enjoy the new smart house I set up for your dad.

(beeps, clicks)

It should keep you stalled until things are taken care of.

(computer) Doors are locked.

-(laughing) -Lockdown mode initiated.

Windows are locked.

(grunting)

Don't worry, we can rap our way out.

♪ Yo, so your house is locked ♪

♪ Just pop and lock... ♪

Go away, I hate you!

Come on, come on, hurry up!

Mama needs some wrap to pop.

In just a few seconds, you and I will be knee-deep in some sweet, sweet...

Packing peanuts!

That Frenchman ripped us off!

Dawn, I gotta jump out your--

Packing peanuts are not bubble wrap!

Okay. I'm just gonna...

You know what? Actually,

I'm just gonna take this.

Uh, don't worry about it. You're gonna thank me later. Have fun.

These are not bubble wrap!

(screaming)

I invited every tastemaker in Forest Hills to this thing, Eli.

Once they start wearing the fly spy,

everyone's gonna want to buy one.

Sounds great.

Why do I have to dress like this?

Because 90% of being a businessman is looking the part.

The other 10%, a firm handshake.

(in Southern accent) Well, that rightly makes sense, I reckon.

You don't need to talk like that.

I reckon I do.

What if the presentation goes poorly?

Maybe we should call it off?

Relax, principal Mitchell.

The fly spy's working great.

Smoother than a greased up hog.

-(beeps) -(chimes)

-(beeps) -See? It's gonna go fine.

Well, it better.

Or else.

Just kidding.

I know I can't tie your academic standing to the success of the fly spy.

Or can I?

-(alarm blaring) -(computer) Alarm system activated.

We can escape through the chimney!

(thud)

Well, are you just gonna stand there admiring the view

or are you going to help me?

(applause)

We are here today with one goal:

That the children of tomorrow need never know the pain

of an unexamined zipper.

-(applause) -(epic music playing)

Normal zipper technology is primitive and failing us.

And what goes up must come down.

Chip, wait! You gotta stop this!

Sorry, Kirb. It's too late.

You can go about your business confident that you are zipped up.

-And-- um... -(phone alerts sounding)

Does anyone else feel a draft in here?

-(laughing) -(alarm blaring)

Oh, no.

I reckon we been bamboozled!

Stop laughing at me!

I'm just a boy.

(laughing continues)

A boy with an unzipped zipper.

-Stop laughing! -He has a complex.

Stop laughing! Stop laughing at me!

(yelling)

(screaming)

Chip, I'm sorry.

I know it was wrong to say I was friends just so you'd help me take the video down,

but fish and Eli didn't do anything to you.

This is all your fault.

You tricked me into going into business with you

just to humiliate me.

'Course they didn't.

It's not about them.

It's about you! Can't you see?

It's all for you, Kirby!

I hereby expel the two--

Don't you see, Kirby? If I didn't frame fish and Eli,

you and I could never be friends.

It's so simple!

They had to be sacrificed to clear the way for our best friendship!

Wait, what did you do?

I re-routed the broadcast you set up with Dawn's phone to the projector.

You read chapter five of the A.V. Club manual,

"live-streaming audio and video the Chip Willis way."

You...

You read the manual!

(mutters, chuckles)

Let's get these non-popping wastes of space out of my sight.

Whoa, hold up.

Are these packing peanuts?

Uh, we might want to find a way to get rid of these

'cause I'm not really supposed to be around packing peanuts.

It's too late!

It's already happening.

Um, mom?

You go to your room!

And leave us alone.

I'm sorry.

I've just never been very good at making friends.

Went a little nutso.

Anyway, I should get going.

My personal indoor waterslide isn't going to slide down itself.

Wait a minute, you have a waterslide?

My parents said I should never tell people this,

but I'm like, stupid rich.

-(boy) Did you hear what that guy said? -(boy 2) He's got money.

-(boy) Did he say, "rich"? -What? Wait, that's all I had to do?

Tell people I was rich?

Huh. Well, you live and you learn, I guess.

Hey, who wants to ride in a helicopter?

-(boy) I'd like to ride in a helicopter. -(boy 2) Uh, me!

(boy) I love helicopters.

-See ya! -See you, Kirby.

Call us when you get a helicopter.

Hey, Eli, sorry about the whole investment thing.

Don't worry though, we'll have other opportunities.

I hope not!

I don't want to deal with the pressure of having that much money ever again.

Gentlemen,

I want you to know that I spoke to Chip,

and in addition to his punishment,

he will be investing a lot of money in the fly spy.

Did you know he's stupid rich?

Anyway, he's buying you out. Here's your $3,000 back.

Why do terrible things keep happening to me?

(popping)

(sighs) Well, I bet your britches

you learned a mighty valuable lesson about using people,

didn't you, you old galoot?

You really need to stop talking like that.

-Key, Kirb. -Kirbo...

-And your friends. -Gentlemen.

Oh, so glad we're over that.

No kidding.

(popping)

-Ah! It's mine! -I saw it first!

Back off, you animal!

(tumbling, crashing)

(locker rattles)

I was so taken away with my anguish.

You mean the one where you said you were choking on a walnut

and that you didn't have--

Sorry, I had something in my throat.

-Might have been a walnut. -A walnut?

Can you hear me?

Are you there?

Kirby.

That's one of the weirder things I've ever done.