Original subtitles

(Kirby) Yup, that's me at eight years old.

And the game I'm dominating? That's "Demolition Dexter."

Nobody could touch my high score.

Well, until I met Fish.

We became instant friends

we spent the whole summer going back and forth

for the highest Dexter score.

We look happy, right?

Well, all good things come to an end.

Times up! Dexter's going into storage.

Gonna make room for my spiffy new fax machine.

Welcome to the future, boys.

No! Kirby! Don't let him unplug me!

I'm afraid of the dark! No! (muffled)

(Kirby) Little did we know that one day, Dexter would be back.

And the thing that brought Fish and I together, might just tear us apart.

(theme music plays)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

There she is, Fish. The greatest pinball game ever.

And after we win this contest,

we get to take it home.

Kirby, look at you!

All grown up!

You better win me, Kirby!

I haven't demolished anything in six years!

My life has become meaningless.

(whistle tweets)

Whoa. Same shirt alert.

That'll make for some great TV on "America's Zaniest Challenges."

Whoa! We're gonna be on TV?

I know a guy who knows a guy...

who know how to fill out the online submission form.

What makes us think we can win?

Simple, teamwork.

Fish here is a hands-on expert.

The rules of a hands-on game are simple.

Everyone puts their hand on a game,

and whoever keeps it on the longest wins.

I've been following the sport for years.

And I have the stamina to stay awake for hours.

You should see me at a sleepover.

-It's poetry. -(in unison) Team Firby.

(Dawn) ♪ Move it forward ♪

♪ Rewind it back ♪

♪ Now pause ♪

♪ Everybody move that body Do the D.V.R., D.V.R. ♪

Oh!

Did "bey-Dawn-ce" just walk into the kitchen?

Makes me wanna turn up!

Looks like someone got my...

♪ Musical gene ♪

Please, don't ever sing near me again. You'll ruin my perfect pitch.

I hope a day of chores won't ruin it.

Because, as we discussed,

I'm cashing in my chore day.

Oh come on, dad! That voucher's from five years ago!

Too bad you guys didn't put an expiration date on there.

Sorry. You and your brother are mine all day.

Where is Kirby, anyway?

I didn't forget about chore day.

I just made... other arrangements.

Scrub the burnt pan that's been soaking since thanksgiving.

Dust, pick up the dry-cleaning.

Did somebody say "dry-cleaning"?

I'm here for chore day. I'm filling in for Kirby.

Kirby gets a substitute?

Dad, you can't let this happen!

Well, now, the coupon doesn't specifically forbid substitutions.

I'll allow it.

Yes!

(whistle tweets)

Listen up!

You get a five-minute bathroom break every two hours.

You come back late? You're out.

Take your hand off the machine? You're out.

Touch my whistle? I'll politely ask you to not do it again.

I'm talking to you, Derrick.

Ha! You got this!

Team Firby!

On my whistle, the contest will begin.

Three, two...

Uh, room for one more?

Oh, no! It can't be!

Craig "Zorro" Zorro.

Legend has it, he sold his soul

to be the greatest hands-on player of all time.

And then he won it back...

in a hands-on contest.

The man never gets tired.

That's not true. I get tired...

Of winning.

No I don't.

Pardon me. Ugh.

That feels about right.

(whistle tweets)

Game on!

Relax. He's not a superhero. He's just a guy.

Just a guy, huh? Interesting.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four...

Oh, no!

Oh, man! No, not now, not here!

I'm sorry ma'am, I can't control this. I have congenital butt-bumping disorder.

Oh, I think it's contagious!

Sometimes it just slams into things.

(woman) What the...

-Ugh. -Oh...

(whistle tweets)

And it's down to nine players.

And, up to 50% off on all danish cheeses.

Okay. Team Firby has a new policy:

we don't talk, look, or even think about Zorro.

He's like a vampire.

And if we don't invite him in, he can't drain all of our blood.

Vampire, huh?

I like it. (laughs maniacally)

-(whistle tweets) -Bathroom break.

Pee wisely, then maybe buy some cheese. 70% off gouda.

Look at Eli raking those leaves!

He's like a leaf blower.

A leaf blower with a heart of gold.

(chuckling) Right?

-How'd Kirby trick you into coming here? -He didn't have to trick me.

I wanted to help so he could do that big contest at the S and P.

It's gonna be on "America's Zaniest Challenges"!

What? That's the same company that does "America's Best Song Singer"!

I should be there to showcase my angelic singing voice,

but no, I'm stuck here choring it up with stand-in Kirby.

Wait a second...

Happy to be here, Mr. Buckets.

I want you to know I take my role as stand-in Dawn super seriously.

Four hours in.

At this point, the game starts taking its toll,

numb feet. Laughing fits,

even hallucinations.

Physically, you are still holding up,

but your mind appears to be fading.

You have imagined me with scrunch face for a boxing glove.

I'm not happy!

Be quiet, glove!

-Ha! -Ow!

Kirby and I have each other for support.

But other people? They're easy targets for Zorro.

Oh, you drink out of that?

Why did I fill it with toilet water? Honest mistake.

(whistle tweets)

Making somebody tap out is a pure adrenaline rush,

like riding a roller coaster,

except nobody can tell me I'm too short to ride it!

Nobody!

Tick, tick, tick, boom! Zorro.

Just so you guys know,

when I win this game,

I'm gonna demolish it.

Dexter will be no more.

Ha!

Dawn, what are you doing here?

Wait, is that a TV camera?

If anyone in there works for "America's Best Song Singer,"

my name's Dawn Buckets, and I have a song for you

you never knew you always loved.

Wait, where are you going?

Where are you going?

Don't get distracted, Kirb.

There's a lot more game to play.

Heads up!

(whistle tweets)

Why did I ever have a bowling ball with me?

I just gotta take care of something real quick.

Ah, yeah.

Ah.

The big... Ah!

(whistle tweets)

-I'm so tired. -Do it for Dexter!

Ugh.

Right. Let's do this!

So, a real, live mailman, huh?

Bet you get a lot of paper cuts, huh?

Ooh, yeah. Those look bad.

Say, does anyone need some zest?

Oh, I think you do.

-(screams) -(whistle tweets)

Hey, I bet I know a cheer you don't?

"Hey, you, fans in the stands,

get on up and clap your hands."

Oh, you do know it.

(whistle tweets)

And in three, two, one...

(snoring)

(whistle tweets)

Now, it's down to Kirby and Fish versus Zorro.

(dramatic music plays)

(Dad) Wow!

The house looks great!

What can I help you with now?

You sort of did everything.

Unless...

The instructions are in Finnish.

Anyone want to learn?

(both) I do!

He's slipping.

How do we get him to go to sleep?

When I can't sleep, I usually just read emails from my grandma.

I've never actually made it to the end of one.

Worth a shot.

(monotone) "Dear grandson,

today, Henrietta and I went to the market."

I know what you're doing. It won't work.

"I was looking for a new dictionary,

as my old dictionary did not contain

a satisfactory definition of the word 'arboretum,'

which..."

He's cracking! Whoo-hoo!

"...while technically correct, failed to cite the latin etymology."

(whistle tweets)

Bathroom break!

(Fish) Hey, man, don't worry.

He's not even gonna make it through the next round.

Let's do this!

I'm feeling handsy!

Whoo!

So, how do you feel about your brother's chances?

I'm so proud.

Kirby's the best brother, but he's more than that.

He's a friend,

and the best way for me to express my thoughts would be through song.

Oh, no, please don't.

-♪ Move it forward ♪ -Nope, stop!

Agh!

(Gil) Is nobody hearing me?

I got a pile of cheese here!

You guys ever heard of gouda before?

Buy a slice!

Buy something. Please, just buy something.

Somebody buy something!

Fish! Fish!

Come on! We can win this game!

The game we became friends over?

Come on, psych up with me!

Fish...

Whoa!

I have a weird name.

I never really thought about it.

Fish.

(chuckles) Fishy!

Hey, Kirb. What do you call a Fish without an eye?

A fsh!

(chuckles)

Fish! Snap out of it, you're fading!

Come on! Just think how fun it's gonna be when we can play Dexter whenever we want!

But you can't both play whenever you want?

I mean, the game can't be in both your houses, can it?

There's only one Dexter, so...

Somebody has to lose.

We win or lose as a team.

Hey, speaking of which, who got to choose the name,

"Team Firby"?

Why does Fish's name come first?

Not that it's any of my business, just curious?

Oh, yeah.

And, Kirby, weren't you gonna keep the game...

At your house?

You were gonna keep the game

at your house?

I thought we were friends!

We are friends!

That's why I let you choose "Team Firby,"

which is pretty dumb,

instead of "Team kirsh," which would have been way better.

Well, if you don't like it,

maybe I should just be Team Fish!

You wouldn't!

(emphatically) I just did.

You're lucky I can't get it off right now.

Take your hand off my game, and maybe I'll let you play it.

Once!

Team Fish!

No chance.

But, you'll know when I lift my hand.

When I slap you in the face!

Team Kirby!

Aww, you guys were such a cute team, too.

Excuse me, super supportive big sister coming through.

I know just what you need.

♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma ♪

♪ Move it forward... ♪

-(screams) -♪ Now bring it back ♪

♪ Move... ♪

Go away, Dawn!

No one wants to hear your dumb song!

Wow, she really gets under your skin, huh?

Oh, you have no idea.

Haha, hey, sister Buckets,

I got a deal for you.

You keep tormenting baby bro,

and I'll make sure you get on "America's Best Song Singer."

Wait a minute, he can't do that!

Oh, yes I can.

It's the exact same producers,

and they love me.

How do you think I knew about this contest?

Done and done-zo.

(cracking)

I call this next piece "everything Kirby hates."

(chuckling)

(squeaking)

(slurping)

(belches loudly)

Whoa.

(splattering)

Oh, sorry.

Ugh.

Time to throw in the towel, Buckets.

Just let go.

It appears your mind is slipping into

blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah.

(sighs)

(whistle tweets)

Pee break.

Yay.

(chattering)

Ah, you're "Finnish"ed already?

(laughing) Get it?

Because you're learning Finnish, the language?

(speaks Finnish) Yes, we get it. Duh.

Could you pass me the vasara over there?

Oh, here you go.

(kids laugh)

(speaking Finnish) Oh man, he thought the screwdriver was a hammer.

(speaking Finnish) Good times.

Oh. (laughing)

You're like the kids I never had.

I don't know which one of you is more perfect.

(kids speak Finnish)Thank you!

Oh, one screw left.

I wonder who's gonna "Finnish" the bookcase.

(chuckles)

-Argh! -No!

-Give me the... -It's mine!

-No! -No, no!

-Give me that! -It's mine! I've got the...

(screaming continues)

Oh, wait. Wait a minute!

You dropped your...

Disgusting, sweaty headband.

Go flush yourself.

Oof.

Watch it, Buckets!

(both) I'm gonna go this... I'm going this...

Just go that way.

(Fish) I told you-- who cares?

(Fish and Kirby argue)

(Fish) What are you doing?

-I'm psyching myself up! -On my own!

-Team Kirby! -Team Fish!

Heh.

You're just prolonging the inevitable, Buckets.

'cause you and your former friend here are going down.

It's game time, boys.

Tick, tick, tick, boom!

(laughing)

Two headbands,

doesn't get tired.

What's up with this guy?

So, when you call the show producers,

let them know that my voice is like a cross between Katy Perry

and the way your skin smells after a day at the beach.

What? What are you...

Oh, I mean, uh...

Sure, yeah. I'll do whatever I said I'll do.

So, just drop it, okay?

Drop it? Drop what?

(struggling)

Let go! I'm finishing the kirjahylly!

I'm a way better helper than you!

Let go of the ruuvimeisseli,

before I righty-tighty, lefty-loosey your face!

What is happening?

(struggling)

No!

Just like Dawn and Kirby.

Excuse me.

Ugh.

Yeah.

This could be it for Buckets, folks. He is not looking good,

and neither are my cheese sales.

(whistle tweets)

You guys don't have it in you.

I'm unstoppable.

Just admit it.

Maybe he is unstoppable,

but the more I know, the less I get it.

I don't think he's human,

but I can't believe he's gonna take Dexter.

(sighs)

(chuckles) Hey!

Remember when we carved our initials in the game?

Heh. Yeah. Gil chased us out of the store with a mop.

Good day.

Great day.

You're not gonna leave us alone unless we let you sing, are you?

Probably not. No.

Fine. Sing.

Okay! Just give me a second to warm up my vocal cords.

♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi ♪

Man, this day's been a mess.

Probably worse than chore day.

(scoffs) Maybe Eli should have taken your place here instead.

(both laughing)

Wait a minute, Fish, that's it.

Whatever you do, just do not take your hand off the game.

Few more minutes. Trust me, okay?

Okay.

-♪ Move it forward... ♪ -(Kirby) Everybody listen up!

(Dawn) Oh, come on!

I gotta tell you, Zorro, you beat me.

I can't hold on, anymore.

No!

(whistle tweets)

Kirby, what did you just do?

You'll see. Just hold on.

Hey, don't feel bad, Buckets.

Everybody falls eventually.

Except me.

It's true.

Not a single human being on earth can outlast you.

And now, I know why.

(buzzing flies)

(gagging)

-(coughing) -Hey, you gotta pay for that!

(Zorro) What's he doing?

Clearly, he's lost his mind.

Zorro's real secret to winning...

(screaming)

is swapping places with his twin brother.

(screaming)

Oh, the stink, the horrible stink!

It's in my mouth and my eyes! I can only see cheese!

(chiming)

(whistle tweets)

Oh, I'm gonna referee you...

You so hard, Zorro!

You got a lifetime ban for the use of performance-enhancing twins.

Now give it up for the true champion, the last man standing,

Fish Fisher!

(applause)

(both) No, I'm the winner! You can't do this!

Actually,

Team Firby is the winner.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Kirb,

I'm sorry for everything.

No, I'm sorry.

We let him get into our heads.

But hey, I'm happy to go to your place to play "Demolition Dexter."

Actually, I was just thinking about that.

Why don't we leave it here?

I mean, look, it all started in the S and P.

Why change it?

Oh, yeah!

So, all that, and you don't even keep the game?

Ha! Looks like I'm the big winner here.

Those reality TV producers want me on their show.

"America's Most Annoying Teens"?

-It's a step on a ladder. -(chuckles)

(Eli) It was your fault! You pick up the pieces!

(speaks Finnish)You sweaty, shape-shifting monster.

How about I choke you with a tennis racket instead?

With the wide end! (speaks Finnish) Sound fun?

Ahem?

We're back.

(angry growling)

Oh, really? Feels like you never left.

(Belinda) ...and use your eyeballs as ice cubes!

(Eli) If that means I can't look at you, then have at it!

(both screaming)

I'm still waiting for them to add hands-on contests to the olympics.

I could win the gold and the silver, no problem.

But not the bronze, 'cause I only have two hands.

We use my system, loving what you do,

because when you love what you do, you never have to work a day in your life.

Also, mop-socks.

Well, you know your cobweb problem?

Took care of it.

Whoa!

It was a secret santa gift.

(whispering) I drew myself.

(boy) Yes!