Original subtitles

(Kirby) Teachers, you see them every day.

They're a part of our world.

Like flesh-eating fungus,

or evil vampire mosquitoes.

(groans) What?

What's going on?

Blech! That was gross!

(Kirby) But what do we really know about them?

Sure, we know that Mrs. Henley puts her makeup on

on the car ride to school.

And that Mr. Bell tries way too hard to be cool.

But what are teachers like when they think nobody's looking?

Me and my two best friends, we were about to find out.

(techno dance music playing)

(Kirby) But if I have to be honest,

I wish we never had.

(theme music plays)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

(over P.A.) Attention students, this is Principal Mitchell.

Today is the last day to submit your ideas for the school suggestion box.

It's the best way for us to hear from you, the students,

without having to talk to you, face-to-face.

And remember, placing chewed gum in the box

is not a suggestion.

Snacks at the top of the climbing rope.

Desk chairs that recline and have cup holders.

Substitute student day so we get time off.

I'm in the zone.

What the world must look like through those brilliant eyes.

I remember your suggestion from last year,

for a bigger suggestion box.

Poof!

And it worked.

Do you see the size of the box this year?

That's plenty of room for even more of my ideas.

Hey, guys.

I finally finished the newest issue of Teacher Creatures.

If any teacher catches me with this, I'm dead.

Good morning, class.

For your homework today,

you have to, um... (mumbles underwater)

Kirby, it's amazing.

You totally nailed Mr. Collins' forehead grease.

Yes, you can see your reflection in it.

And yes, Mrs. Gray's breath is like dead animal smell,

but how would you like it if somebody made fun of you guys?

(whiny voice) Look at me, I'm Fish.

And I'm Kirby.

And we're really...

(sighs) Who am I kidding?

I can't say anything mean.

(gasps)

Hide it, hide it, hide it.

(Mitchell) 'Sup, Eli?

That was such a close call. I don't even want to imagine

what would happen if anyone I made fun of saw that.

By now, you should all be finishing up your dissections.

Reports are due tomorrow.

It's still there.

Belinda, the frog is dead.

It's not trying to escape, so you know,

just go ahead and do it.

-Why do we have to cut it open? -This is worth a quarter of our grade.

You know I'd do it, but I'm a vegetarian.

You eat hamburgers, roast beef, chicken,

pastrami, and yesterday I saw you eat a turducken.

Okay, I'll do it.

Uh...

I can't!

I feel a pit in my stomach. I feel uneasy and shaky.

What's happening? What is this?

I realize this might be new for you,

but you're probably feeling compassion.

Oh...

(groans)

Oh, yeah.

Compassion for sure.

(school bell rings)

Give me your bag.

There.

Now as homework, we'll dissect it later.

(chuckles)

Mrs. Childs' musical knuckles.

That's definitely going in Teacher Creatures.

My comic book!

Where'd it go?

You had it with you in the cafeteria.

Then you showed it to Fish.

And then Fish put it in his folder!

No!

(slow-motion shouting) Fi...

(continues shouting) ...sh!

Tell me you took my comic book out of your folder before you put it in there.

I could tell you that, but it wouldn't be true.

(Eli shouting)

(shouting continues)

We've got to get it back or I'm toast!

Something I can help you boys with?

(man's voice) S ergeant Pounder... And baby.

Sergeant Pounder?

What are you doing here in school?

Security guard Pounder tonight.

Pickles and I are moonlighting.

I'm a single dad now.

I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, me neither.

School's going on lockdown.

You have 30 seconds to vacate the premises.

Twenty-nine, 28, 27...

Three, two, one.

When Mitchell opens that suggestion box tomorrow morning,

he's gonna see my comic book.

What about all those teachers who are gonna get their feelings hurt?

Like poor señor Breckenridge and his spinach-y teeth.

Kirby, this is on me, and I'm gonna help you get that book back.

Good.

'Cause tonight, we're breaking into the school.

Of all nights, why does Sergeant Pounder have to be on duty now?

-Guys! -(Kirby) Seriously?

You wore pajamas?

Eli, this isn't a sleepover.

This is the perfect outfit for any stealth mission.

Super slippery, and super quiet.

Observe.

(inhales) Ah.

The silence of silk.

Can we please focus on trying to get my comic book back?

You got the decoy?

The decoy has a name.

Lucy and I are only doing this to protect teachers' feelings.

Like Mr. O'toole,

who may or may not wear flood pants.

Yeah, you're a real crusader, Eli. Fish, you're up.

-What do you think you're-- -Shh!

(whispers) Sleeping baby.

Why are you bringing a baby to school after hours?

Answer me, now.

This is my baby brother.

-I left his favorite book in my locker. -Hmm.

Matilda's Adventures in Friendship Pond.

That's my little Pickle's favorite book.

You have one minute.

Butt team, go!

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up!

He's in.

Keep away from the eye in the sky.

Keep away!

Uh-oh!

I wore the wrong shoes.

Just walk, then.

What now?

I thought it would be easier on my mom's cutting board.

Like slicing bananas.

You do it.

I'll try.

Darren, I'm gonna cut you now.

You named the frog Darren?

I name all frogs Darren.

I can't do this to him.

We have to dissect this thing by tomorrow.

I have an idea.

I have a friend who knows a guy who knows another guy

who makes problems like this go away.

I'm gonna set up a meeting.

Oh. (whimpers)

You're right.

He's totally a Darren.

That part when Matilda misplaces her tadpole.

I don't mind telling you,

it moved me.

Wait.

This doesn't make sense.

We should read this together.

Like a baby book club.

Oh, sorry, I thought it was in here.

I must have left it with the nanny.

Well, now you're in trouble, mister.

Because we are going to read my copy.

And I get to be Matilda.

You wanna know what time it is?

It's time for you to get your butt in gear

and get out of here!

Where's Fish? He should be here by now.

Who knows what Pounder's doing to him?

"And so...

Matilda and the tadpole knew they'd always have each other.

And that was enough

in friendship pond."

You have 30 seconds to vacate the premises

before I book you and your brother for obstruction.

Don't test me.

I've arrested younger babies for less.

Isn't that right, Pickles?

Twenty-nine, 28, 27, 26.

Two, one.

(grunting)

(groans)

What took you so long?

Long story.

No, really, I had to read a long story.

Weird. Let's move.

That suggestion box isn't gonna open itself.

A suggestion box that opens itself--

Fish! Come on!

How are we gonna find this guy?

I'll bet that's him.

I'll handle this.

I understand you're a man who can do a job and keep his mouth shut?

So, what's it gonna take? 10 dollars?

Twenty?

If you think we're paying 30, you're out of your mind.

-Okay, 50. 50. -Hey!

Stop scaring away my customers.

If you see two girls looking for a guy

who knows a guy to dissect their dead frog,

you let me know.

I'm the guy who knows the guy.

There it is.

The coast is clear.

Come on.

It's locked!

-(footsteps approaching) -Hide!

Ah! (grunting)

(Eli) That horse just took the box.

Why didn't we think of doing that?

Eli, turn off your shoes.

Okay, but let me warn you.

I turn off the shoes, I turn off the fun.

(muffled) Welcome...

To our annual suggest-a fiesta.

(all muffled) Suggest-a fiesta.

(chanting) Suggest-a fiesta, suggest-a fiesta.

Suggest-a fiesta.

Let the festivities begin!

(all cheering)

(techno dance music plays)

Okay, this just got weird.

(Fish) Kirby, look. Flood pants.

It's Mr. O'toole.

(knuckles crack)

And that knuckle-cracker, it's Mrs. Childs.

And that really cool gorilla is Mr. Bell.

These are all our teachers.

Is this what they do when we aren't looking?

I thought they just drank tea and spoke Latin.

Hoo-hoo!

Somebody punch me in the stomach!

Hoo-hoo, whoo!

Let me at him!

They so rarely ask.

Easy, man.

Assemble!

(music and chattering stop)

Faculty of Forest Hills High,

welcome to the one day a year

where we gather in secret

to let off some steam,

and purge ourselves of our true feelings

about the ones who infest this school

with their whining, sniveling,

and simply terrible suggestions.

I'm speaking, of course...

about the students.

(faculty cheering)

Oh, we're taking off our masks now?

Ahh!

Put it back on!

(Mitchell) Before we dig in to the box, a little humor.

How many students does it take

to change a light bulb?

None.

Because we don't teach that here.

(faculty laughing)

It is funny because it is true.

And now, Mr. Jenkins.

With his spot-on impression

of that one kid from fourth period.

(whiney voice) Ah...

I can't dissect my frog because it's so gross!

I might get frog guts on my brand new top!

(teachers laughing)

That's just mean.

I feel so bad for whoever they're talking about.

Do not get frog guts on my brand new top.

Knife.

Now give me the frog cutty-thing.

I can't watch this.

Oh, goodbye Darren.

(girls screaming)

(girls screaming, coughing)

Hey, the frog! It's gone!

-(ribbit) -It's alive!

-(girls scream) -It's alive!

(thunder rumbling)

-(girls scream) -(electricity crackles)

(Mitchell) And now, for our favorite part...

(techno music resumes)

...the reading of the students' suggestions.

Yes!

Get ready to see some minds blown.

The most idiotic, misspelled, useless ideas ever.

(faculty laughing)

I'm sure they're talking about someone else.

We begin with the student whose bigger suggestion box suggestion

allowed us to get even more dumb ideas.

(faculty laughing)

woo!

It's not necessarily me.

Could be anyone's folder.

Oh, my.

Look at all these precious gems.

(Kirby) my comic!

Basketball hoops in the hallway.

(faculty laughing)

While we're at it, why don't we put a swimming pool in the library?

(faculty laughing)

Calm down, Jenkins.

How dare they!

That was a legitimate suggestion.

Let's mine another diamond, shall we?

(chuckles)

He's about to pick up my comic!

Guys, we've gotta do something!

I got this.

You guys go distract them.

Oh, my.

They all feel like winners.

(faculty laughing)

(Fish and Kirby laughing loudly)

(deep voice) Sorry, we're late.

Did we miss any of Fish fisher's legitimately awesome suggestions?

(deep voice) You want to see something really funny?

Check out my imitation of Kirby Buckets.

(normal voice) Hey, I'm Kirby Buckets, and I'm a great artist.

(chuckles) No, no, no. This is Kirby Buckets.

Hey, I can draw.

That makes me special.

(all laughing)

(Fish and Kirby laughing)

It's jammie time.

(laughing continues)

The slipperiness of silk.

(gasping)

Intruders.

We've been seen.

Get them.

(shouting)

It's worth a quarter of my grade.

Darren deserves a second chance!

(bickering)

I'll help you catch it.

Wait a second.

It was dead, and now it's alive,

which means it's a zombie frog!

(whimpers) Don't kill me.

(ribbit)

Zombie frog! (screams)

(ribbit)

Where is he? Where did he go?

(ribbit)

There he is!

Run, Darren. Be free.

Start your new life.

(tires squealing)

(squelching)

(gasps)

At least we don't have to cut him open anymore.

(Eli) Who's idea was it to make this box so big?

Because it was a great idea.

Fake baby?

I read Matilda's Adventures in Friendship Pond to a fake baby?

(squeaking)

Aah! Waah!

Mr. Buckets. Mr. Fisher.

'Sup, Eli?

Sweet jammies.

I'll take that box now.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Teacher Creatures.

Ooh. Say, these are harsh.

But in your case, accurate, Mr. Bell. I'm sorry.

Mr. Buckets...

You have really crossed the line.

Breaking into school.

Stealing school property.

Failing to capture my hair's natural luster.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

No, Principal Mitchell.

You should be ashamed of yourself,

and so should all of you teachers.

Making fun of students, ridiculing suggestions,

and doing it all behind everybody's back like a bunch of fraidy cats.

Yeah, you tell 'em, Eli.

You're no better, Kirby,

with your secret comic book, making mean drawings that hurt people.

You've been given a gift.

A gift, and you're using it for evil.

And you, Fish.

You had some very good ideas and you put them out there, which was really brave.

I'm just sorry that some people's hearts aren't as big as their suggestion box.

What do you two have to say to each other?

Yeah.

I suppose we were a little...

uncool.

I guess my comic book was too.

I feel a lot of tension in this room.

I think I know how to break it.

"And so, matilda and the tadpole

knew they'd always have each other,

and that was enough in friendship pond."

Now, I'm gonna count to 30,

and if there are any fake animals, babies,

students, or teachers still here,

I'm putting you on diaper duty.

And Pickles, here, just started solids.

Twenty-nine, 28, 27, 26...

So can't wait for next year's suggestion box.

What are you talking about?

-It was horrible. -But they took one of my suggestions.

(laughs)

You know, maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

I think I need to change lockers.

Put it in the suggestion box.

(laughing)

That was a cool thing. That little nodding thing you did there.

It's like lifting, you know. Like, bro, do you even lift?

I lift.

Man, when Mitchell opens that comic book, he's gonna see my comic book.

No, that's not the line.

We should make that a dance.

-We could. -Dude, yeah.

It's like you're lifting and your traps are getting worked out.

"So Matilda and the tadpole knew--

-(stomach rumbles) -Whose stomach is--

-That's my stomach. -(laughing)

(boy) Yes!