Original subtitles

(Kirby) You probably think this is just another day

and just another school.

But like most of the answers on my last Spanish test,

you'd be wrong.

'Cause today is the day of the cat.

(screams)

Uh-oh. Ah!

(sinister laugh)

(theme music plays)

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Oh, man! That's today?

That's right!

Principal Mitchell is bringing Laughy cat to school!

Can waughy cat gimme a wittle waugh?

(sinister laugh)

He's the laughiest cat in Forest Hills,

and the internet's 342nd most popular animal.

He's a local treasure.

He's a threat is what he is.

You know if a cat scratches you,

you have a 2% chance of contracting humanoid catsitosis?

That's when you start thinking you're a cat.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that doesn't seem like a real thing to me.

Trust me, it's real.

They send everyone who gets it

away to some special home for cat people.

It's terrible there.

The whole place smells like B.O. and dead birds.

(door opens)

Thank you.

Not that I don't appreciate a dramatic entrance,

but aren't you afraid Principal Mitchell's

see you riding that thing around school?

Not really.

I think of the "no skateboarding" rule

as more of a loose guideline.

Speaking of which,

I got a little proposition for you guys.

How did he talk us into this?

The man has a silver tongue.

-(whirring) -Hey, guys. How's it--

(screaming)

Hey, it's totally safe.

You guys ready? Hope so.

If I die, I want you to know I don't like you.

Yes, I know.

(all screaming)

(both grunt)

-Told you it was safe! -(Laughy screeches)

-Laughy! -(screeches)

(crowd gasps)

(meow)

(sighs)

Hey.

How's the school board?

Great tie by the way.

A bouquet of flowers? At my locker?

Look!

There's a card and everything.

"Dear Dawn, just because you're beautiful..."

You're butchering this. No one can hear you.

(loudly) Flowers? At my locker?

For me?

Oh! This just seems like way too much!

Who could this be from, this...

extravagant expression of love?

Well, let's just take a look.

"Dear Dawn."

Can you hear me in the back?

Okay.

"Dear Dawn,

just because you're beautiful,

just because you're the spring in my step,

just because I love you."

Oh, looks like someone's a bit obsessed.

It's signed "love...

It just says "wow."

Seriously? "Wow"?

Stalk much?

You got a creeper, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, same old same old,

the yoush.

Well, I hate creepers.

If this guy get weird or things get out of hand,

you let me know.

You can count on me.

Let me guess.

You're gonna make sure things get weird and out of hand.

Good guess.

(ocean sounds)

I have tried detention,

letters home,

everything within my power

to teach you the consequences of your actions.

I think today's punishment must dwarf all others.

My super-advanced brain-removal weapon

will now conquer this human!

Ugh! Well, it isn't working.

You'll have to talk your way out of this.

You, Kirby Buckets,

winner of the rule-breaker of the year award,

will spend the day--

Principal Mitchell,

I know what I did was really, really irresponsible,

and I know I deserve the punishment.

But whatever you do, please, please, just don't make me...

Draw a portrait of Laughy cat.

A portrait?

Hmm.

Well, it is Laughy's birthday tomorrow,

and he's very picky about his gifts.

He slapped the friendship bracelet

I gave him last year right out of my hand.

But if you make me draw a portrait,

then I'll have to miss all of my classes for the day,

even though it would be the perfect gift

for a cat who has everything.

I'm sorry, Kirby,

I'm going to excuse you out of your classes today

to draw a portrait of my cat.

You may not like it, but that's the way it is.

I have to go find some Swedish mice

for Laughy's party tomorrow.

I'll be back at 3:00.

I expect a completed portrait upon my return.

Oh, and whatever you do,

do not shut off his ocean sounds.

(ocean sounds)

He gets cranky without it.

(growls)

(wind blows)

(door opens, closes)

(sighs)

Honestly?

The sound of the ocean kind of makes me have to pee.

And you're a cat, so...

(turns off device)

(growls)

(sighs)

(Kirby on P.A.) Attention, students.

This is Principal Mitchell speaking.

Would a Mr. Eli Porter and a Mr. Fish Fisher

report to the Principal's office immediately.

(wind blowing)

Also, all the hair on my head

was harvested from my upper back.

Now you know. That is all.

(Eli) Hey, Principal Mitchell.

(Kirby) Thank you for coming in, boys.

Turns out there's not a single situation

I can't talk my way out of.

All I had to do was draw a portrait of--

Laughy cat!

I hope this isn't weird,

and I'm sure you get this all the time,

but I'm your biggest fan.

Can I get a laugh?

Be careful, Eli!

Humanoid catsitosis, remember?

Forget about the cat.

I sent out official letters from the "Principal"

saying that you guys are out of class all day.

-Let's get out of here and have some fun. -What about Laughy's portrait?

Already done.

(growls)

Wow.

You really captured Laughy's je ne sais paw.

Nice. A cat pun and French.

Hey! How come he gets a portrait and I don't?

Wait! I'm allergic to cats.

Achoo!

Oh, my. I finally have the face I've always--

Aah! Nope! Never mind!

Well, you guys ready for a good time?

'Cause I got two words for you...

-Hall passes. -(laughs)

He's coming! He's coming! Positions!

(fake crying) I can't take it anymore!

I don't care how beautiful or fun to be around I am,

it's just too much!

Leave her alone!

Dawn, are you okay?

Oh, Devon. I don't know.

Having to look over my shoulder whenever I...

turn.

I don't like this, Dawn.

I'm gonna keep an eye on you

until we find this creep.

It's pretty cool having the hall all to ourselves.

Yeah.

Whoo!

(bell rings)

That was fun. Should we go back to the Principal's office?

I guess so.

-Laughy cat! -He's gone!

-I'm dead. -Oh!

Oh, man!

If Principal Mitchell comes back and finds Laughy gone,

he's gonna turn me into cat litter...

And then use it.

-Laughy! -Shh!

I'd rather people didn't know I lost a very famous cat, thank you.

Come on, we gotta go find it.

(purring, meows)

(whispering) Laughy?

Laughy?

Laughy.

-(purring continues) -Laughy.

I found it in my locker this morning.

What do you think it means?

"Gorgeous, brilliant Dawn.

Wherever you go, I'll be there watching,

even at the saturday 7:00 P.M. screening

of The Astronaut's Notebook ,

which I hear is a great first-date movie."

A girl can't even go see a movie?

(shouts) What do you want from me?

This is way worse than I thought.

You are gonna need around-the-clock protection.

Whether you like it or not, you're getting Devon 24/7.

It's your lucky lunch day.

Your fave. Tofu tacos.

-Ooh, don't mind if I do. -Are you crazy?

These tacos could be coated in tranq dust.

I'll test them first.

No, all clear.

Wait!

No, just cilantro...

Which is just offensive in a different way.

All good. Proceed.

Maybe we should split up.

We'll cover more ground.

Get your phones out.

(Laughy purring)

(purring continues)

Hey, Laughy, Laughy.

Laughy.

Please don't be down here, Laughy.

(Laughy laughs)

-(meows) -(screams)

(Fish on phone) Kirby! Laughy's in the basement!

- Ah! -Fish!

Fish!

He scratched me, Kirb.

Oh, come on! It's just a tiny scratch.

He'll live.

This kitty cat is harmless.

-He's really nothing to be-- -(screeches)

(screaming)

The humanoid catsitosis might be in my bloodstream.

I might not have much time left.

Remember me as the guy who knew he wasn't a cat.

Well, the good news is that's not a real thing.

Come on. Let's go find Eli.

(laughing)

Laughy!

Oh.

My stuff.

My-- my Laughy cat fan fiction.

My foam paw.

Why, Laughy cat?

All I ever wanted to do was love you!

(Laughy laughs)

Stop laughing!

Oh, no. Meow. It's begun.

Fish, we don't have time to be fooling around, okay?

I'm not fooling around, Kirb.

Humanoid catsitosis is real! (hisses)

Whoa. Eli, what happened?

The loss of innocence.

If I can't believe in Laughy cat,

can I believe in anything?

Is santa real?

Is my mom real?

Are you real, Kirby?

(Laughy laughs on P.A.)

He's on the P.A. system!

The Principal's office!

(school bell rings)

-Dawn! -(both scream)

You are supposed to text me every five minutes so I know you're safe.

Now, I did some recon.

Look at this creeper.

That's my mailman.

Well, I saw him creeping around your front door.

Because he's my mailman.

What were you doing at my house?

F.Y.I., I don't need your facepal password anymore.

I figured it out on my own.

So, I created a safer password,

wrote that password down on a piece of paper,

shredded the piece of paper.

No one's getting into this account, not even you.

Okay, Devon, I really, really appreciate your help,

-but I think you should back off a bit. -Never!

I could never let anything happen to you,

not on my watch.

(Devon) Can someone help me with the top?

Ugh! What's that smell?

I think it's your portrait.

(Kirby) Oh, gross! Is that cat pee?

Everyone's a critic.

Ah. The "purr-fect" specimen.

Get it? "Purr-fect"?

I'll just take my cat pee and go now.

You guys are right.

This is one bad pussycat.

(scoffs)

Principal Mitchell's gonna be back soon.

We got to think of something.

I was gonna be Laughy cat for Halloween.

Now I'm going to be something cool,

like my orthodontist, Neville.

(Fish purrs)

-Seriously? -I can't help it, Kirb.

You think I want to live with this?

So much for being able to talk your way out of any situation, huh?

This thing's a beast, Eli.

You can't reason with a beast.

But you can sooth it.

-(ocean sounds) -Ooh! The ocean!

So soothing.

I wonder if anyone else out there likes ocean sounds.

Laughy. Laughy.

Mmm.

Delicious chicken liver.

I guess I'll just take this down to the basement.

(sniffs)

(gags, coughs)

Oh! That's...

Actually...

Not so bad.

(purring, meows)

All right, boys, I'm ready.

Send him down.

(ocean sounds)

(can rattles)

He's in!

(Dawn) O.M.G., Megan!

It looks like you have a creepy secret admirer now, too!

You must be so scared and upset.

Someone help this poor girl!

What is going on here?

Dawn, are you okay?

Devon, I'm fine.

It's Megan I'm worried about.

She has a creepy stalker now, too.

Guess you'll be busy helping her... Now.

No!

This guys is trying to throw me off the scent.

It looks like I'm just gonna have to step up my game.

Do you have a tent?

Looks like I'll be sleeping in your yard until further notice.

That's it! I can't take it anymore! I made it all up!

I sent all of that to myself!

I'm my own stalker!

I can't believe you would waste my time with this nonsense

when there are people out there who are real victims,

like Megan here.

Come on, Megan.

Looks like you got a real creeper.

I hate creepers.

So, The Astronaut's Notebook at 7:00?

See you there.

All right, Laughy, it's just you and me,

mano a gato.

Bring it on.

-Uh-huh. -Let's do this.

(laughing)

Oh, no!

Look out!

Aah!

(Laughy screeches)

(grunts, panting)

(purring)

Aah!

(Laughy cat laughs)

Looks like you got me, Laughy.

You're too smart, too strong.

Too fast.

I never really stood a chance.

Ha! Now it's a fair fight!

-Come on! Come on, Laughy! -(screeches)

Let's go! Let's tango!

(Laughy screeches)

(grunts)

-(scratching) -Aah!

(Laughy screeching)

(sighs)

(footsteps approaching)

Looks like the cat is back in the bag.

Aw! I know he's evil,

but I just can't stay mad at him.

This was in the carrier.

You wanna play with it, Mr. Humanoid catsitosis?

Weird. I don't feel anything at all.

Must have gone away.

Meaning that it's totally made-up?

No, Kirb.

Humanoid catsitosis is so real...

And I'm the cure.

Um, so it's definitely made-up, then.

Good to know.

(Laughy laughs)

We really gotta shut this thing up.

There's my widdle waughy waughy.

Was he any trouble?

Uh, no. No trouble.

He was-- he was fine.

I was asking the cat if you were any trouble.

And where's my portrait?

I ask for a portrait of my beloved Laughy,

and you hand me a taped-up piece of garbage.

Explain yourself.

It was sort of a mixed media sort of thing.

I mean, Laughy and I worked on it together.

I mean, my colored pencils, his claws.

I had no idea.

I'm so sorry, Laughy.

(sniffs)

It smells like my favorite coat.

Nice work, Mr. Buckets.

Your punishment is complete,

and my Laughy's going to have a happy birthday.

Just glad I could help.

(sinister laugh)

Because he's my mailman.

I'm sorry.

Looked like--

Looked likes the cat's--

(both laugh)

I expect a completed portrait upon my return.

(air blowing)

Did you feel that?

(clicking)

It's a good waugh.

I wike your waugh.

I wuv you, waughy cat.

(boy) Yes!