Original subtitles

(bickering)

(Kirby) The thing about wars is, they can last a really long time.

Take me and Dawn for example.

We've been fighting since the beginning of time.

-(screaming) -(bickering)

it's not fun listening to people yell, is it?

What are you two arguing about?

Kirby used his peanut butter knife in the jelly.

That's what we're fighting about?

I thought it was because I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

You dropped my toothbrush in the toilet?

(bickering resumes)

(Kirby) But sooner or later, every war gets out of control,

and ours was about to go nuclear.

(theme music plays)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

So, boys, I got big news.

My dad's getting rid of his exercise room,

-and then-- -Oh, man. That is big news.

How's he gonna keep those stellar pecs?

I would kill...

for that body.

No, the big news is that now there's a free room in the house,

and tonight, Dawn and I are giving presentations

for what each of us want to do with it.

Man, I cannot let her beat me.

We're at war,

and war is all about territory.

You know, my brother kurt says,

most wars are decided by who has the better uniforms.

That's why the british lost.

I mean, when's the last time you've seen someone look good wearing a red coat?

-Santa. -What?

(electrical crackling)

(laughing nervously) Hey, Todd.

'Sup? Nice weather we're having, huh?

(growls)

Listen, I am so, so sorry.

(chuckles) This is pretty cool, right?

Space, am I right?

So vast and awesome.

Mind-blowing.

So, what you thinking?

I'm waiting for you to stop talking

so I can take your face off your shoulders' hands.

-(gulps) -(bell ringing)

You got lucky, hombre.

Pasta luego.

-(bell dings) -I'll pasta your luego.

Oh, sometimes when I'm scared I lose my meat.

So, using cold-press technology,

texan clay is pulverized into a moisture-rich bronzer.

When applied, you will notice that rock-star glow.

Who's that, Bono?

No, that's you, Mom.

-Oh, didn't see that. -(chuckles)

Now the key to a successful presentation is--

(screaming)

To blow away the competition.

And that's why I think this family desperately needs

an in-home, rock-star glow bronzing room.

Thank you.

Good luck beating that.

A bronzing room?

Did you know, in the olympics, bronze is the worst medal you can get?

And don't you think we, as a family,

should be going for the gold?

(rock music playing)

(Kirby) Mom, Dad...

Sometimes in life,

we all need a break,

which is why I'm proposing

the ultimate break room!

Oh, you mean like the place at work where I hide from my boss?

Even better.

This is a room where you can break anything.

Anything you want

with no consequences.

-Oh... -Wow.

Wowie.

Statistically, the ratio of anxiety level to breaking things...

...Studies show three out of four people like break rooms.

The fourth person? Dawn Buckets.

-Ooh... Burn. -(chuckles)

De-stress... Going up, good...

Mm-hmm.

Stats... Alleviate...

-(Dad) Yep, yep. I got it all. -In conclusion...

Maybe the key...

to world peace...

can be found in an unlikely place.

The break room.

(music ends)

(Dad) Unbelievable.

My son. My boy.

-Thank you. -(Dad) That was great.

-Uh-huh. -Oh, that's nice.

I'm woozy.

-Oh, keep that. -(laughs)

Seriously? You guys are buying this?

Let us confer for a second.

Yeah.

-So we're going with Kirby's, right? -Definitely.

But we should probably make it look like we're actually discussing it.

Oh, okay. What's for dinner?

-Pasta primavera. -Mmm.

-I'm hungry now. -Me too. Let's end this.

(clears throat)

Well, after much deliberation,

we're gonna go with Kirby.

(grumbles)

-(bell dings) -Break room!

(screaming)

(screaming)

Whoo!

Okay, so we're only looking for stuff that has good smashing potential.

Got it.

Hey, Fish.

-Look at the disco-- -Wait.

Eli, that dude just stole something out of your hands.

We all have an equal right to this garbage.

But you were holding it. That was your garbage.

Maybe he was in charge of planning his uncle's birthday party,

and he needed a last-minute disco ball.

You are too nice.

Thank you, Fish.

Not a compliment!

-Oh. -Just keep looking.

Whoa... Check this out.

You need to put this on.

Nah, I'm not that guy.

Sorry, but you need a new attitude,

and it's gonna start by wearing this fake fur coat.

Yeah, you can't be a pushover in a coat like this.

You look like a whole new person.

You know, I think I'm gonna call you...

Mad Dog.

So how do you feel?

Like I'm wearing a coat I got out of the garbage.

Yeah, you are.

Mad Dog.

Hey, Dawn. You hear to sign up for the break room?

I think I can squeeze you in next Tuesday.

Oh, you think this is over?

Well, it's not,

and you better watch your back because we are at war,

and I'm just getting started.

Buckets!

(roaring)

I said, how do you know Dawn Buckets?

Oh. She's, um, my...

sister.

Weird... She seems really cool.

I guess we know who got the good looks in the family.

Dawn. (laughs)

I'm saying I don't like the way you look!

So here's the new deal, I'm not gonna pulverize you--

-Oh, thank you. -If...

you get me a date with that angel you call a sister.

You have till tomorrow!

(roaring)

(grumbles)

Great.

Man, I'm never gonna be able to convince Dawn to go out with pearly Todd.

But if I tell Todd that...

He'll throw you through the ceiling.

If I'm lucky.

My advice, do whatever pearly Todd says and don't get beat up.

Thanks, Fish. Big help.

(Kirby) There she is. Wish me luck.

Hey... Sis-ter.

Whatever you're selling, hard pass.

What are you talking about?

I know you, Kirby. I know you like I know which pairs of jeans

make me look amazing.

All of them?

-Nice try. A-buh-bye. -Wait, wait, wait.

There's this guy that I think you would find really awesome.

Which part of "a-buh-bye" didn't you understand?

(screams)

I saw you talking to Dawn. What'd she say?

Uh, that she's really, really...

Really interested.

She just needs to check her calendar.

Calendar? I've got a calendar.

Oh, we're gonna fall in love so good.

(sighs)

How you feel, Mad Dog?

Not very Mad Dog-y.

That's what I'm talking about. You're too nice.

Where's Mad Dog?

-Cutting is wrong. -That's right.

It is wrong, Mad Dog.

Now unleash the beast.

Mad... Dog.

Mad Dog!

That felt good.

I kinda want to howl.

Then howl, bro.

(howling)

Yeah! Yeah!

(grunts)

I got me and Dawn two tickets to the planetarium tonight at 7:00.

I popped all my zits, like a gentleman.

Great.

Thing is though, Dawn is kind of busy tonight.

(roaring)

What are you saying, Buckets? I popped all my zits for nothing?

No, no, no. That as busy as she is, she'll be there. (chuckles)

I don't know why I strung it out like that. I'm a weirdo.

I'll just give this to Dawn.

-(laughs nervously) -Nice.

Later.

Ugh.

(techno music playing)

Mad Dog.

Go big or go home, bro.

Ready to go big ten?

I don't know what that means, but, yeah.

What you looking at?

Are you a dog catcher?

You trying to dog catch me?

Hey, Eli, I don't think they were trying to--

You better keep your leash laws off my fur, son.

(howls, coughs)

(howls)

-Uh-oh. -(bell rings)

-Going somewhere? -Please, be cool, Dawn. I'm begging you.

I didn't do my homework, but I spent two months' allowance

on this really great show--

Mom!

Better not be an intruder

or you're gonna get this stick inside of your--

This is awkward.

Kirby was gonna sneak out of the house

without doing his homework to go somewhere that requires

a very expensive ticket.

Kirby...

-Any rebuttal? -I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad.

I just really wanted to go to this super exclusive show,

and it's one night only, and all the cool kids are going.

Well, I think the only fair thing to do

would be to teach Kirby a lesson and confiscate the ticket.

Just because he can't go doesn't mean the ticket should go to waste.

Well, I have always wanted to hang out with the cool kids.

Honey...

Oh, yeah. That's yours.

Have fun staying at home, loser,

while I go to a super exclusive, very expensive...

Planetarium.

-Oh... -(Mom) Oh.

-That is exclusive. -(Dad) That'd be fun.

-This is great. -You got a night ahead of you.

-(Mom) Get down under it. -My little astronaut.

To the unlimited!

And further! (laughs)

-(Dad) Is that what it is? -(Mom) Yeah.

Ooh, yeah.

Best break yet.

Speak for yourself.

(groans) Oh, that's better.

Oh, hey, Dawn. How was your time at the--

Buckets!

You're like a little cupid who wears pants.

(grunts)

Yeah, matchmaker.

Thank you so much. Todd is such an amazing guy.

-(farts) -What a great idea you had to set us up.

Just a warning-- don't walk over here,

and if you do, don't breathe through your nose,

and if you do, it wasn't me.

-(groaning) -That's nasty, man!

You steal my room and then try to pawn me off to some meathead?

(scoffs) Well, joke's on you.

You wanna go show me that rock-star bronzing room you were telling me about?

It's, um, not actually her room.

It's my break room. I won it.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, he's so sweet.

He just loves it when I get exactly what I want.

-Wait, wait, but I won-- -(shouts)

-(screams) -(laughing)

-That was hilarious. -He was so scared.

But seriously, Buckets,

you need to get your stuff out of Dawn's bronzing room.

Uh, but before you do, you need to go stand over there.

(groaning)

It was totally me.

(chuckles) Hey, look.

It's nacho-flavored Dawn.

I'm perfecting the application process.

There's a bit of a learning curve.

I bet you thought you were so clever.

So did I, at first.

But then I remembered that I'm clever-er.

Okay, you got the room. You happy now?

Oh, I'm just getting warmed up.

-Hey, sunshine. -Hey, moonbeam.

Hey, gag reflex.

I would have showered after jogging,

but I wanted to see you ASAP.

That's just the kind of guy he is.

I don't think I smell too bad.

(sniffs)

Hard to say though, I've gotten used to my stench.

And you will too, Dawn.

Hey, tell me if I smell, bro.

And be brutally honest. (coughs)

Help! Somebody save me!

I can't take it anymore!

Hurry up, bro. Take a whiff already.

I just worked out my arms and they're on fire.

-Okay. -Come on.

(coughing) You're good. You're fine.

They don't smell at all.

-Eli, can we talk? -Are you kidding me?

There are tomatoes in this sandwich?

-We really need to-- -Mad Dog...

does not do tomatoes.

Mad Dog!

Eli, I was thinking maybe it's time to take it down a notch, you know.

Give Mad Dog a rest.

I see what this is.

It's a test.

You wanna see if I'm still a pushover.

What? Eli, no, it's not--

Eli? Eli's gone.

This is Mad Dog's house now.

You better watch where you step.

(howling)

Did I not say four ice cubes?

You said three!

Buckets, no back talk,

and there's too much cheese on this grilled cheese.

Makes me phlegmy.

(hacking)

You know what I realized, butter stick? It's our one-day anniversary.

I'd like to take you out into the town,

and show you off like a trophy I won.

Actually, Todd,

I like to keep my private life private.

Cool, we'll just stay in.

I can read you my W.W.E. Fan fiction.

Now go get me a thick moisturizer, some ice tea zero,

and a bright lipstick to bring out the color in my... Everything.

(roaring)

(purring)

I gave Dawn the perfect weapon.

I introduced Eli to fake fur.

Man, if only there was a way to break them all up.

Can't do it, Kirb.

Love is blind when it comes to girls...

And coats.

Wait a minute. Maybe I don't need to break them up.

Maybe I just need to bring them closer together.

Okay.

So what do I do about Eli?

Just take the coat.

Huh. (chuckles)

Todd, your fingers are really sweaty and it's stinging my eyes.

Love is powerful, babe.

And I had a bunch of hot wings for lunch.

Almost there.

(all) Surprise!

Happy one-day anniversary!

Todd, I really don't like surprises.

Ah, Kirby said you would say that.

Kirby?

How about this party?

(all cheering)

You know, I just wanted to throw you lovebirds a party,

celebrating 24 hours of happiness.

Here, have some nachos.

Extra cheesy.

Eat up, brother.

Whoa!

(groaning) Help!

No, not me!

-Still didn't shower, Tod? -Nope.

Mrs. B!

Always bringing the snacks!

-So clutch. -Thank you, Eli.

My pants needed a good pooping.

(burps)

(howling)

(Fish) Eli...

Enough is enough.

The name is Mad Dog.

Well, Mad Dog,

I'm here for that coat.

What are you gonna do with that?

I'm gonna hang it up.

(shouting)

You know what makes Dawn and Todd the perfect couple?

They spend every single minute together,

and I predict that they will never, ever, ever be apart.

Am I right, Todd, or am I right?

Oh, you're right.

(applause)

(hacking)

Got a little something in your throat, Todd?

(hacking)

You know what they say, if you got a loogie, you hock it up and spit it out.

(hacking continues)

Hock it up.

-(grunting) -Eli!

This coat isn't you.

I was wrong.

Eli the nice guy is the greatest guy I know.

(barking)

(howling)

(hacking)

There's too much cheese in those nachos.

(Dawn) Well, that was great.

-Thank you all for coming. -Hold on.

I want to invite the lovely couple up for their very first dance.

Even better... How about our first kiss?

(squelches)

No, no, no, no, no! I'm sorry, I can't do that.

I only pretended to like you to torture Kirby.

Now get away from me!

What?

Sorry.

So you were just using me?

(crowd groans)

Ugh.

Man, that is tough. You know, I really feel for you man.

I don't know how someone could do that to another human being.

Just to let you know, I'm here for you.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

Tell you what,

how about you go let off some steam in the break room.

Well, it's a bronzing room.

No...

I don't think so.

Nothing's gonna get this coat off me.

Hey, you. I'm feeling low, and that coat looks like a good time.

Give it.

I'm sorry,

but you're in the wrong park.

If you wanna run with the big dogs, you better--

(growls)

(whimpers)

(smashing)

He needed it more than I did.

Completely agreed.

Whoa.

The break room is back.

You may have won the battle, Kirby,

but I'm gonna win the war.

Which, by the way, is not over yet,

Kirby.

(bickering)

(clattering)

Is it just me, or does breaking stuff kind of get old after a while?

Yeah, it's exhausting.

(screaming)

Up is good.

Why is this so hard?

Can you dig it?

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

I would clap, but I don't have any hands...

Of my own, that is.

'Sup, Brenda?

Looking good, today.

How about you give out some as?

(theme music playing)

(boy) "X"!