Original subtitles

(Kirby's voice) Sometimes a lie

can take on a life of its own.

Sometimes it can shove a spoonful of pig intestine in your face.

I guess what I'm saying is,

when it comes to your health, don't fake stuff.

I wish someone would have told me that four days ago.

To be fair, I probably wouldn't have listened.

(theme music playing)

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

(pencil scribbles)

Kirby?

What happened to you?

I made a joke about how Dawn needed to shave her legs,

so she did.

And then she glued all the hair to my face while I was asleep.

Well, on the plus side, you can start hanging out with Jean-Luc now.

Well, I think it's very becoming.

You know, I always thought I'd look good with a mustache.

You call that risotto? You'd better get your life together, son.

-(blows whistle) -Push-up position!

Man, I can't believe they made Coach Batchelder

-the Home EC teacher. -I know.

Who wants to spend their afternoon getting screamed at about flavor profile?

He's not getting me on the ground, I'll tell you that.

I mean, I haven't done a push-up in...

Two years, seven months, and nine days.

You know what? I have a feeling he's really gonna like my...

(both coughing)

Cake?

Well, I'm gonna try it.

(screaming)

Hmm.

Let me ask you something.

What does this look like?

A D-minus and a lot of push-ups.

Man, it is supposed to be Venus Williams!

How am I gonna get on the news

if I can't burn someone's face into a creme brulee

and say it's a miracle?

Why do you want to get on the news so bad?

Because I found her, kirb.

Tell us, young man, you saw the whole thing.

What do you think?

Soft.

I have got to get back on the news

so I can ask her to the freshman fling.

Fish, she is twice your age.

What makes you think she's gonna go to the fling with you?

'Cause the cameras will be rolling.

She can't break a kid's heart in front of thousands of viewers.

She'll look like a monster.

That's actually a pretty good plan.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Eli...

Oh, you've outdone yourself. Is that...

A touch of hazelnut I detect?

What can I say? I guess I'm just a nut for hazelnut.

(both laughing)

Whew, you're really giving Jean-Luc a run for his money.

(Coach) All right, who's next?

You'd better figure something fast, or you're gonna be doing push-ups.

And that floor is filthy.

(Kirby coughing)

Are you... Okay?

And when did you grow a mustache?

I think I need to...

See the nurse.

Or I could just stay here and try not to contaminate the food.

Okay, fine, just get on out of here, but cover your mouth, Buckets.

Come on.

Serena Williams?

-Venus. -Push-up position!

-(Fish groans) -Count 'em out.

(Fish) One...

(chuckles)

(bell dings)

Too salty and the meat's overcooked!

C-minus!

(growling, roars)

Kirby Buckets.

Well, let's see.

Um, last week you went home with restless hair syndrome.

And before that, you had a terrible case of the dead arms.

Gosh, that must have been so hard.

I thought I'd never hug again.

Mm. And today it looks like you've got a pretty bad case of premature mustache.

Let's see what's going on here, okay?

We've got restless hair, dead arms,

and some mustache.

Oh my.

Kirby, it looks like you have a very rare condition

called "peripheral uvular para-patellum interpullar

esophateric syndrome," or P.U.P.P.I.E.S. for short. Gosh, that's cute.

Oh.

No. Wait.

It's actually a very serious disease.

-But I can go home? -Yeah.

Although I really think you should speak to someone...

Someone much more qualified.

(Dawn) I don't get it.

Mandy McDaniels does a bunch of charity work

and all of a sudden she becomes more popular?

Charity is in right now.

More people went to Mandy's canned food drive

than last year's prom.

We deserve to be in that inner circle.

Come on.

And then I was all, like, "the smile on that baby bald eagle's face

is all the payment I need."

I'm pretty good at p-ing it F.

Yeah. Right. P-ing it F, totally.

Do you even know what that means?

Playing it...

Funky?

Paying it forward. You know? Giving back?

Not that you'd understand.

(yells)

(screams)

(yells)

They're probably noticing how you only have two butt cheeks.

Wait a minute! You've all only got two butt cheeks!

-(screams) -(laughs)

-I told you. -Hey, you guys know what's going on?

Everyone's been acting really strange.

Remember how you faked being a little sick yesterday

so you could get out of Home EC?

Everyone sort of thinks you're a lot sick.

Oh, Kirby.

I can't believe you came to school today.

Also I may have told one or two people about the whole P.U.P.P.I.E.S. thing.

I'm a talker. (laughs)

My diagnosis: one big lie growing out of hand.

Oh man. This disease is no joke.

Except for it being called P.U.P.P.I.E.S., I guess.

Whoa. Check this out.

"There have only been three known cases of P.U.P.P.I.E.S.,

all of which...

Have ended in death."

Oh no, Kirby.

I'm faking it, remember?

Oh, right. Whew.

Let's cherish this time with him, just in case.

Still, though, I should probably come clean.

I mean, faking a rare disease?

That's risky, even for me.

What was I just saying again?

Oh! What if we...

knit blankets

for homeless groups of sea turtles?

I thought I said no more knitting ideas.

Now come on.

We've got to come up with a great charity to impress Mandy McDaniels.

(cell phone rings)

Ugh, it's my grandma. She always calls at the worst times

and it's not like she ever has anything important to say.

That's it!

We'll start a charity where people talk to your grandparents so you don't have to.

Oh my gosh, that is brilliant.

You are so charitable.

You're just like Angelina Jolie.

I really am.

Well? I'm waiting.

Why are people sending you muffin baskets?

I mean, there's a very simple explanation to this.

Which is that...

I... won a contest!

Uh-huh.

So why is there a card on it that says "hang in there, champ"?

Little kitty hanging on for his dear life.

It was a tell-a-sad-story contest.

Oh, man.

I got a few doozies I could have told myself.

(laughs)

Life, right?

(chuckles)

You just gotta keep moving.

(sighs violently)

Anyway, congratulations.

That's great.

Sick kid coming through. Make way. Make way.

Sick kid coming through. Do not worry. He is not contagious.

Except for his smile.

Hey, Denise, how's it going?

Hey, Joe, I like the hat.

Thanks, man. (chuckles)

A piece of bologna wrapped around a pencil

dipped in ketchup?

Oh, you're definitely getting push-ups for this.

We'll see about that.

Bet you my hands never touch the floor.

What do you have in that drawer?

Nothing. Spatulas.

Nothing and spatulas.

(sighs) Fine.

(squeaks)

why do you have our biology pet rat in a drawer?

Okay, this might seem crazy,

but Boo Ratley is the secret to my cooking success.

"Boo Ratley?"

Rule #1: don't poop in the food.

Rule #2: if you poop in the food, don't tell anybody.

(Eli) He's the pickiest eater I know.

If he eats something, I know it's good enough for people.

Watch.

What do you think, boo? More red pepper?

A cooking rat?

You know who'd love this story?

Local newswoman Samantha Foxworthy.

(Boo squeaking)

Did you guys hear squeaking?

What's that squeaking?

There's not a rodent in here, is there?

Uh...

No, that's just me and my squeaky joints.

We are going to find a cure for this darned disease, Buckets.

-Is that yours? -Yeah.

I call it a "Kirby's #2 in a blanket."

I call it A-plus.

-Aren't you gonna try it? -No.

(popular clique chatting)

Are you ready to show Mandy how charitable we are?

Who likes homework? Not this girl.

I'm ready.

-Hey, guys. Hey, Mandy. -Dawn.

So Belinda and I are super into charity, obviously,

and we're throwing a fundraiser in the cafeteria

for a cause that hits super close to home for me.

O.M.Gosh, Dawn.

That's a great idea.

We'd love to help with a fundraiser for your brother.

What? No, this isn't for Kirby.

This is for something way, way more important.

-Belinda can explain. -Has this ever happened to you?

You're wrist-deep in dishwater when the phone rings.

Grandma again?

Hey. Your brother is being eaten alive by P.U.P.P.I.E.S.

And you're thinking about grandmas?

That's cold, Dawn, even for you.

He's faking!

I have a great idea.

We should throw Kirby a fundraiser.

We could do it in the cafeteria.

But the cafeteria fundraiser was my idea.

Ideas are in the air, Dawn.

(school bell rings)

I tell you, Eli, having P.U.P.P.I.E.S. is the greatest thing that's happened to me.

Everyone loves me. I've gotten out of all of my homework this week.

They even changed the whole cafeteria menu just for me.

All chicken teriyaki all the time.

Kirby, this thing has gotten out of hand.

Did you know they're throwing a fundraiser for you tonight?

Whoa. Are you serious?

You think they'll have chicken teriyaki there too?

That's not the point.

You need to tell people the truth. I never told you this,

but when I was six, I told my mom I had the flu

so I didn't have to go to school.

-And you got caught? -No.

But two months later, I actually did get the flu.

It was karma.

I'm gonna say it was flu season.

Big news, boys.

You know the whole P.U.P.P.I.E.S. Fundraiser tonight?

I just called W.T.K.A. and they're sending Samantha Foxworthy to cover it.

-Oh, nice. -The news?

Kirby, if people find out you're faking,

everyone will hate you for the rest of your life.

I'll be fine. What's the worst that can happen?

-I'm outraged, Belinda. -You look outraged.

I am outraged.

I mean, why does everybody love Kirby so much?

I'm the one who's out there helping people.

Why does he get a fundraiser just for lying to everyone?

You should just crash that thing and prove to everyone he's faking it.

Wait. I just had an amazing idea.

I could just crash that fundraiser and prove to everyone that he's faking it.

-I just... -Kirby would be humiliated

and I'll be the hero.

It's a win-win.

Also, ideas are kind of in the air, Belinda.

When I'm done with Kirby, he's gonna wish

he was dying from a rare disease.

Every dollar we raise here tonight

goes towards helping Kirby beat P.U.P.P.I.E.S!

(scattered applause)

Oh, beat the disease, not actual puppies.

(full applause)

I mean, I wish my parents could have come,

but I think they should have a night off from taking care of me.

(nervous laugh) So, uh...

Quick question:

Say someone, not me, misplaced a large, gray rat,

how would one go about finding him?

-You lost Boo Ratley? -Yes, I did.

Why would you even bring him...

(funk music playing)

I'm gonna have to cut this short, Eli.

I got matters of the heart to attend to.

Kirby, I'm Samantha Foxworthy, W.T.K.A.,

would you mind if I asked you a few questions?

Uh, yeah, sure. I guess it'd be okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Kirby.

Oh, wait.

-Do I know you? -Yeah. Fish Fisher.

Mr. Bucket's best friend and personal nurse/manager.

We're on live TV right now.

Oh, I know, and on live TV, in front of millions of loyal viewers...

-It's only a few hundred thousand. -Whatever.

In front of those few viewers, I have a question for you.

Miss Foxworthy,

will you make me the happiest boy in Forest Hills

and go to the freshman fling with me?

(dry laugh)

I would love to.

The thing is...

And please be honest. I mean...

don't be afraid to turn me down

because you'd get hate mail from all your viewers.

Well, when you put it that way...

Attention!

I need everyone's attention!

Oh, let's put a pin in that and follow this breaking development.

Dawn!

I'd like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart

for showing so much love and support for my little brother Kirby.

But I think it's time you all got a bit better acquainted

with the sick man of the hour.

Kirby, get up here.

(applause)

I don't know, Dawn.

That stage looks pretty high and my dizzy spells...

Don't worry. Big sis is here. I'll catch you if you fall.

I'm his rock.

-So brave. -(mutters) What are you doing?

Did you know that one of the symptoms of P.U.P.P.I.E.S.

is that Kirby has no feeling in his inner ear?

Right, Kirby?

Um, yeah, that's right.

(Dawn) Another tragic fact:

People with P.U.P.P.I.E.S. Have no taste buds.

They can't taste a thing.

Sometimes, they eat gross, disgusting stuff

just hoping to taste anything at all, isn't that right, Kirby?

Yup, it's sad, but that's my life.

Can I get off this stage now?

Why don't you give the people here a little example?

So they can really understand your struggle.

Belinda?

Fresh tripe. A French delicacy

prepared by our classmate Jean-Luc.

By the way... Tripe is pig intestine. Enjoy.

(shrieks)

(people panicking)

(squeaking)

(Eli) Boo Ratley!

It's okay! It's just a rat!

Everyone be calm!

It's okay. (shrieks)

(Eli) Boo, come here!

Boo! Stop, boo.

(squeaking)

Gotcha.

Hey, since when do you like French food?

Everyone be quiet and sit back down!

(words echo)

-(huffs) -Now then, where were we?

Oh, yes.

Kirby was just about to show us

how P.U.P.P.I.E.S. has tragically robbed him of his sense of taste.

Well, I can't eat that now, Dawn. A rat's been all over it.

I brought a backup.

Good call on the backup, by the way.

Go ahead, dig in.

Show everyone what it's like to be a kid with no taste buds.

Unless, of course, you want everyone to find out

that they've been bending over backwards for a liar.

Ugh! I can smell it from here!

Actually, that's me.

Ah, I can't do it. It smells terrible!

I'd rather cut off my tongue!

See? He was faking. He can taste!

He doesn't have P.U.P.P.I.E.S. at all!

(quiet exclamations)

-He has been cured! -I'm sorry, what?!

It's a miracle!

The first cure for P.U.P.P.I.E.S. ever!

(all cheering)

That's my baby bro. We did it.

So I am here

with Kirby Buckets, miracle child.

Tell us, Kirby, how does it feel to beat P.U.P.P.I.E.S?

Pretty great, Sam. It was a tough road,

but I never gave up.

(cheering)

Well, Boo Ratley, looks like everything turned out all right.

You want some cumin?

-(squeaks) -But you love cumin.

That tripe must have ruined your palette.

-(Coach) Five... -(Kirby grunting)

six...

You're not sick any more, Buckets. You're a miracle child.

And I expect a miracle child

to be able to make a passable chicken piccata.

Now come on!

Nine... and 10!

Well, I lost my cooking rat,

Fish blew it with that newslady,

your push-up streak is over...

But I'd like to think we all learned a valuable lesson.

(Kirby groans)

You are so lucky I can't move my arms.

(grunts)

(theme music playing)

I call it #2 in a pencil.

-Wait, what? -(laughs)

You know, you dared to fail,

and in the end, I think they're going to respect that.

Oh, no!

(chuckles)

(stammers)

(cheers)