Original subtitles

(Kirby) A pen can be super-powerful!

It can write words, it can draw art,

or, if you know what you're doing,

you can totally pulverize your friends.

(laughs)

Or it can turn someone into the deadliest enemy ever.

(growling)

(Kirby) The enemy I made today was the scariest kid in school...

Pearly Todd Hitchcock.

(nervous chuckle)

He's got the biggest, brightest smile in Forest Hills.

Problem is, he only shows it when he's about to beat you to a pulp.

You're a marked man, Buckets.

(theme song playing)

♪ aye ♪

♪ aye ♪

♪ aye ♪

♪ aye ♪

Why would you hit Pearly Todd? Are you trying to experience pain?

I didn't mean to!

I feel like it got sucked in from the gravitational pull of those teeth!

I know a kid who saw Todd's head x-ray.

He has a raptor brain.

A raptor brain and a winning smile?

He's the perfect predator!

Guys, remember me the way I used to look,

before whatever it is Pearly Todd's gonna do to my face.

-What if he never finds your face? -Interesting.

We can keep you hidden...

the supply closet, A.V. Room, our lockers!

Through four years of high school?

College too. And maybe your first job.

This is Pearly Todd.

You don't want the sauce!

That's my new catchphrase.

I like it. It's catchy and phrasey.

And true. I don't want the sauce.

And on top of everything else, I have nothing to draw with.

My hand feels so empty. (echoing)

(whistles)

(thunder crashes)

Whoa.

Where did that come from?

How long has it been jammed up there?

Maybe since the beginning of time.

(crackling)

You're the best pen ever.

-That eyeball, is it real? -No. This eyeball is real.

Aha! I see ze problem. Your eye is out of your head.

Let me put it back in for you.

-(blows) -(both yell)

(roaring)

What did I tell you about drawing that?

Um, that it's extremely accurate?

Nothing you say can ruin my natural glow.

I'm getting my make-up photo tomorrow for my school I.D.

And I'm warning you, keep away.

Hold on, make-up photo?

What happened to your natural glow the first time?

My glow was fine.

There was a problem with the camera.

-(sneezes) -(camera clicks)

Just make sure you avoid me like the plague.

You're just like the plague. Check.

Are you sweating?

That's from the vinegar/cayenne smoothie I drank to flush my pores.

That's gross on the way in and the way out.

Whatever. Point is, if I so much as think of you tomorrow,

you're roadkill!

(growls, roars)

Whoa, those are great, Kirby!

Thanks. It's this pen I found.

No, Kirby, it found you.

-A-chtodd! A-chtodd! -What are you saying?

Pearly Todd.

(sniffing)

(nervously chuckling)

(sniffing)

(panting)

Yeah, I can totally see doing this for four more years.

Here, check this out.

-It's your Mona Lisa. -Ha! It's also really good.

-(phone camera clicks) -How do I look? Perfect? Super perfect?

Y... yes!

Don't look. Your beauty will intimidate... you. (chuckles)

Well, now I just have to stay this beautiful

until my I.D. Photo is taken sixth period. Ready?

-(neck cracks) -Ready.

Make a hole!

(dramatic music)

(exhales)

(inhales sharply)

(gasps, sneezes)

-(students laughing) -(groans)

That looks just like your drawing, Kirby. Whoa.

That's weird.

Sorry about my veg-wich splatter.

Your drawing didn't make that happen, right?

Kirby, that dude breaking his leg looks a lot like Ralph Waldo.

So what?

So what? I got a noodle for a leg!

There he is!

You made him break his leg.

It's the pen! What you draw comes true.

You can control the future.

(crackling)

So here's what we know.

One: anything I draw with this pen comes true.

And number two: who cares about two?

One is so awesome!

Kirby, be careful.

With great power comes great responsibility.

And also, a lot of power,

if I wasn't clear about that.

Eli, I feel great responsibility...

To use this pen as much as possible.

Ooh! Use it to make my new catchphrase take off!

Here you go. "You don't want the sauce," takes off worldwide.

I just created popular culture.

Your move, Drake.

Kirby, please be careful.

I never told you this,

but I, too, once had great power.

I was a junior janitor in the adopt-a-hallway program.

Eventually, I was entrusted with... the "caution: wet floor" cones.

Yeah, those.

The first time I held them,

I felt their dark power inside me.

For he who controls foot traffic,

controls the world.

(laughing maniacally)

When I saw what I had become,

I hung up my junior janitor vest for good,

even though it meant walking away from Betsy.

That's what I named my adopted hall.

I thought you said Betsy was your girlfriend.

She is. Please, Kirby,

get rid of the pen while you can! (echoes)

(humming)

Please, Kirby, throw it away!

I can handle the power. I promise.

And I promise to keep trying to talk you out of it.

Actually, Eli, you won't.

(muffled moaning)

Wow! I gotta go listen for my catchphrase!

-(Eli moaning) -(school bell rings)

(chimes)

(chuckles)

(Computerized voice) Kirby, stop while you can.

-(Kids) You don't want the sauce. -(laughter)

-I don't want it. -Do you want it?

-(Girl) No. -Kirby almighty.

I wore four extra blouses for just such an emergency.

(loud stomping)

What was that?

(growling)

(growls)

(stomping recedes)

Eh, close enough.

Sorry to give you the bad news, but there is no magic pen.

Kirby was given one power on earth, and that's to annoy me.

Are you sure? I mean, you had a lot of things go wrong today.

-Is there any chance that... -That what?

Kirby's using some supernatural power

to stop me from taking a beautiful photograph?

Don't be ridiculous.

I hardly think that...

Let's go get Kirby.

Yeah, right?

Did I not warn you to not get in my way?

You see, that's a double-negative.

How about, "I warned you to stay out of my way."

See, that's less words and gives you more time to be awful.

Maybe I was a little too harsh. You are my baby bro.

-I forgive you. -For what?

Isn't he the best?

Ta's.

(Eli moaning)

Oh, fine!

You can talk now.

Kirby, you have to stop now, before it's too late!

No way, Eli. I'm workshopping some new catchphrases.

"Check this here out."

That was the first one.

Okay. "Hey, don't be so like, huh?"

Okay. And "excuse me, is that a blank you're wearing?"

I'm still trying to figure out what the blank is.

I need this man with his powers.

-Kirby! -Eli, relax, I got this.

"I got this." Wish I would have thought of that!

(whistle tweets)

All right, weaklings, today you're wrestling,

which means I need someone without a survival instinct

to go up against Todd.

I'm done hiding from that guy.

-I'll wrestle him! -Kirby Buckets.

Brave, but stupid.

-Good work, son. -You don't want the sauce.

Sounds so cool when he says it.

Oh yeah? I want the sauce.

I want sauce on top, and a little on the side.

Kirby, you know I believe in you, but...

-Wrestling Pearly Todd? -I don't have to wrestle him.

I'll just draw him getting hit by a meteor or something with my trusty...

My pen! It's gone!

(laughing)

If this pen has so much power,

I'm gonna draw myself getting the perfect student I.D. Photo.

There!

Drawing talent is like a delicate flower,

in that it's delicate and flowery?

(Dawn groans) This pen is stupid, just like my brother!

I'm gonna get the perfect I.D. photo the old-fashioned way:

with my natural, inner beauty.

Bodyguard me?

Precious cargo, coming through!

So should I pin you or you pin me? I'm flexible.

-Whoa! -Let's see how flexible.

(both grunting)

(straining) Not very flexible.

-(whistle tweets) -(Eli grunting)

I told coach to put us last.

This way, the ambulance won't interrupt class.

Okay, guys, you have to help me get my pen.

Without it, I'm dead.

Kirby, this goes against everything I believe in,

but we'll retrace your steps.

Don't worry, Kirb, we'll find it.

-He's gonna die! -So that means...

-We're all gonna die! -(screaming)

This is from Kirby's pen!

How can you tell?

Oh, ye of little faith.

I know my hall trash.

How are we gonna find it with all these people here?

They won't be here long.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

(maniacal laughter)

(Fish laughs)

Kirby's pen!

Oh, no.

-Dawn Buckets. -Oh.

-Great. -(whistle tweets)

And finally, Kirby...

and Todd.

(laughs)

Hey, Todd.

-(growls) -You and me are busy guys, right?

So how about we make this one a draw? (nervous chuckle)

-(laughs) -(Coach) Okay.

I want a nice, clean match.

What am I saying? Let the slaughter begin.

(whistle tweets)

(grunting)

Kirby, hold on!

We gotta do this fast! Ink cartridge!

-Ink cartridge. -That means gimme the ink cartridge!

-Oh, right! -(gasps)

Okay, perfect. You look great.

Now, stay just like that for one more second and...

-(grunting) -Hold up!

This I have to see.

-(grunting) -This better work.

Come on, baby, show me the money!

Is that catchphrase taken already? Ha!

Kirby! Catch!

Ah! Ugh!

-Ow! (laughs) -(grunting)

Is that really what you think I look like?

Kind of.

You can make your teeth white, but you can't make 'em small.

I wish you guys would stop making fun of me. It kinda hurts.

Uh, I didn't realize. I mean, I'm sorry.

The spitball thing, that was an accident.

I was gonna demolish you with a meteor.

Now, that just doesn't feel right.

If you want to destroy me, go ahead.

-(whistle tweets) -(sighs)

-(sighs) -Oh god.

Thanks for not pulverizing me.

This time.

Whoa!

(grunts)

-Kirby! I've got your pen! -Say cheese.

-No. -(camera shutter clicks)

(laughs)

It's gone.

At least you got to spread my catchphrase.

Now everybody's saying, "you don't want the sauce."

Duh, that's so fifth period. Nobody's saying that anymore.

His leg isn't broken?

Duh! He faked it to get out of wrestling Pearly Todd.

So none of it was real? Not any of it?

I see that you broke your pen.

Don't worry, plenty more where that came from.

Iris photography. I do proms and bar mitzvahs. Tell your friends.

(clatters)

Sorry, Kirby. I guess it was just a pen.

I can't believe I bought into that.

-(ominous music) -(creaking)

-Kirby Buckets... Wait, what? -(laughter)

Pfft!

Whoa!

Ha!

(laughing)

(sneezes)

(laughing)

"Kirby Buckets" bloopers.