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(kids chattering)
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Rita: I don't know about this, Brooke.
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Mm?
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(gags) Are you serious?
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-I can't do this! -You said you can't drink coffee.
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-This is healthy. -(pours drink)
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How was your, uh, slumber party with Adam?
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I wouldn't call it that.
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Oh. Why, he didn't stay over?
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What does that matter? I mean,
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we didn't get arrested, if that's what you're getting at.
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All right, I'm just asking. But you said
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you had it under control,
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so I guess I'll back off.
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I had a whole week of patients after Adam,
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and the sky didn't fall.
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Uh-huh.
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(clears throat) Well I'm glad it's
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not getting in the way of your work.
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And if it did, I would
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check with my supervisor.
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And so what does Paul have to say about all that?
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We haven't discussed Adam or anything else.
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You didn't tell him anything?
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I thought you and Paul were thick as thieves,
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-talking every week... -We haven't been able to connect.
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You see him on the news. He's like America's therapist
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through all this craziness.
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Are you avoiding him?
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Let me get you some water.
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(light piano playing)
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♪
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I'm not trying to get on your case
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-every time I come here. -Mm.
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I'm glad you and Adam had a good time.
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-You don't mean that. (laughs) -(scoffs)
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Sure I do! Everybody deserves a good time.
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Just gotta be ready for the hangover.
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It wasn't always hangovers.
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You know, you only know sad Brooke.
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You don't know good-time Brooke.
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-Oh, I don't know good-time Brooke? -Mm-mmm!
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Why don't you introduce me?
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(scoffs)
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Okay.
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You ever have one
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perfect night back in the day?
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Where you felt like young, hot shit
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and your give-a-fucks just melted away?
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It was nice to lose my give-a-fucks.
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(laughs) Yeah. Adam was part of mine.
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Shit, I owe him mine.
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-How? -Oh, it was
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last day of finals, first year of Wharton. Or...
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only year of Wharton.
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And I had this accounting exam. It was miserable.
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-Accounting sounds miserable. -Oh, the whole year was miserable.
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I mean, I had spent that entire time doing everything
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that my dad wanted me to do. I felt like a puppet,
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and he was just pulling the strings from across the country.
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I just kept getting more and more empty,
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and then I started filling up that emptiness with alcohol.
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A few drinks with friends turns into a half bottle of vodka,
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-alone in my apartment. -(snap)
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(sighs) Anyway,
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on that lousy day, of the accounting exam,
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my phone went off. It's a text from Adam.
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And I don't even...
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Yeah. We'd just met,
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and I don't even remember giving him my number,
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or even who he was for that matter.
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-Hard for me to imagine you before Adam. -Oh.
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You're not the only one.
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So what did the text message say?
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Oh.
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All it said was "Silk City."
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-What's Silk City? -It's this sometimes restaurant,
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sometimes lounge, sometimes club.
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So...
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I walk in,
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and there's Adam, looking...
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like he still looks.
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And so, I'm at the bar,
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and he just grabs me by the elbow, and he's like,
85
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"You gotta come with me!" And I'm thinking it's an emergency,
86
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and then he goes, "We...
87
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We have been challenged to a dance contest."
88
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-That was the emergency? -Yes! (laughs)
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And, oh! And-and I got on that dance floor,
90
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-and I made it happen! -(snapping)
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-Okay, it was like out of body... -(laughs)
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but I'd never felt more in my body,
93
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and I forgot everything that was weighing me down.
94
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-I just, oh-- -What if...
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that was the booze?
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What if Adam had nothing to do with it?
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I don't know.
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Maybe it was both.
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Exactly. What if you can't separate the two?
100
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I can.
101
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That's my point.
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You sure?
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Is that why you keep Adam around?
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To relive one fun night?
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I'm getting older.
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I look at him, he looks at me, I feel 23 again.
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Is that such a goddamn crime?
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No, but it can be dangerous.
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You can only do one thing at a time,
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and if your one thing
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is thinking about the past,
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your future is on a shelf, rotting.
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I don't have a future figured out.
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Exactly. Why don't you think about that?
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So you don't waste away?
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(scoffs) That's easy for you to say.
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Your future is secure.
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Kids, grandkids, all of that.
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You can have a future without that.
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I just don't need you to remind me how old I am.
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Are you afraid?
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Afraid of what? Death?
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Any-any one of us could drop dead any time,
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-anywhere, so-- -I asked are you afraid.
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Well, I wasn't until...
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my father...
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I mean, it's just like...
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Now, there's no generation above me to look up to.
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To be mad at. To resent.
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To love. They're all gone now.
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You know, I can't help but feel like...
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(sighs)
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I'm next.
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And what do I have to show for it?
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(laughs) This is a cheery talk for a Sunday Funday, Rita.
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Thank you. Thank you for triggering my regret.
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Oh, you don't need my help for that.
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What, so I have chances that I wasted, huh?
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To have people? To have a family of my own?
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-Chances I passed up? -I didn't say that.
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I was driven.
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I focused on my doctorate, my practice.
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And what did I give up in the meantime, you know?
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I bet you world-renowned
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Dr. Paul Weston never
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asked himself these questions.
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Men never do.
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-Damn straight. -But do you hear yourself?
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You sound like all your chances are gone.
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What-where-where do you see
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this slew of chances? Under here?
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-Under here? -Brooke...
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No, seriously!
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Where do I start?
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Fuck, I don't know!
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Join a dating app like the rest of us.
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How's that worked out for you?
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I still haven't met any boyfriends.
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Don't mean I never had none.
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I'm just saying don't shack up with Adam the enabler
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because you had a fun night 20 years ago.
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-He's not an enabler. -He looks the other way.
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No, he looks in my direction.
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You've seen him.
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You'd be happy if he looked in yours, too.
166
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Oh, he fine.
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But, you live in LA.
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Scrubs a dime a dozen.
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He's not a scrub.
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-No offense. -No offense?
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What, because he's the good kind of scrub?
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Sometimes, I think...
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what if I decide just to go for it?
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You know, have a baby with Adam.
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D...
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Do you wanna have a baby?
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No. I...
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Hell, I don't know.
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Do you think that having a baby
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will make you get your shit together?
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-Yeah, I guess so. -It don't.
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But maybe it would, for me.
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I guess you'll never know.
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What's that supposed to mean?
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-Do you wanna have a baby? -You know,
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even if I could have a baby the old-fashioned way,
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right now, it would be a baby.
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I don't want a baby! Or at least I...
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(sighs)
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pretty sure I don't.
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-Why is this a question that I have to answer? -'Cause maybe you're thinking
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about replacing the son you didn't get to raise.
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I don't wanna replace him. I think I...
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I think I wanna find him.
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Your son?
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Since when?
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I don't know. I...
198
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Can't even believe I just said that out loud. That is bizarre.
199
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It's natural to want to find your people.
200
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And when I think about it,
201
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I have a lot of questions.
202
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Uh-huh. Like what?
203
00:09:51,533 --> 00:09:53,003
Like...
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if I find him,
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what if he doesn't like me?
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(chuckles)
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Then you'll be like any other mother.
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No, because he's not my kid, really.
209
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I didn't raise him.
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For us to have a relationship, he would have to like me.
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You're spinning.
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What if he's dead?
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-Why would he be dead? -Because he's a young Black man living in the world.
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Yeah, I wish I could say that ain't possible.
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Or...
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what if he's been out there,
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needing me the whole time that I've been needing him?
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Yeah, but you're mourning the past,
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while your present is passing you by.
220
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What if he asks me why?
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"Why did you give me up?"
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What am I supposed to tell him?
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Why not the truth?
224
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That his grandfather convinced me to give him up
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so that we could stay in polite society?
226
00:11:00,466 --> 00:11:04,996
-Is that the whole truth? -What does that mean?
227
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It's kind of convenient to blame a dead man for all of this.
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(scoffs)
229
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Went to pick up his ashes the other day.
230
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You know, they take you into this room, sign a form.
231
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When I walked in, for, like, a split second,
232
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I looked around to see if he'd be sitting in a chair,
233
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smoking a cigar or something.
234
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Then I saw the box.
235
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Made it so...
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Final.
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I know my dad
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isn't to blame for all of this.
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I know I made a mistake, too, but the difference is
240
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I was a kid.
241
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Like, how come nobody...
242
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Nobody had compassion for me.
243
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Nobody cared about me.
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All anybody cared about were...
245
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I don't know.
246
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Appearances.
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I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
248
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But none of that can be undone now.
249
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So you can imagine how I feel.
250
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Mm-hmm.
251
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That also means
252
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there's nobody left
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to disappoint.
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Except yourself.
255
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,200
(birds chirping)
256
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:24,066
(wind chimes ringing outside)
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(closet opening)
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(quiet rummaging)
259
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(sighs)
260
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What's that?
261
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They stuffed this box full of my dad's files from his desk.
262
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I haven't even had a chance to look at it.
263
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Go ahead.
264
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I'm right here.
265
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(sighs)
266
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-It's organized. -(laughs)
267
00:14:30,366 --> 00:14:33,596
That's the only way my father knew how to live.
268
00:14:33,666 --> 00:14:35,266
By imposing order.
269
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,533
No chaos allowed in the Taylor household.
270
00:14:41,166 --> 00:14:42,526
You okay?
271
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,700
I... don't know.
272
00:14:49,466 --> 00:14:51,026
I'm right here.
273
00:14:51,566 --> 00:14:53,196
Let's do this.
274
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:57,703
Hm.
275
00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:00,066
(inhales, exhales)
276
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:08,633
Blech.
277
00:15:10,066 --> 00:15:13,526
-Who's Angela? -My father's longtime secretary,
278
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,070
-if you know what I mean. -Ugh...
279
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:17,573
Why would he keep a file on her?
280
00:15:17,633 --> 00:15:20,703
I don't know. I don't wanna know. Remind me to shred that.
281
00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:29,573
Rita: What's that?
282
00:15:29,633 --> 00:15:32,473
Brooke: Rita, this is the relinquishment contract.
283
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:40,066
-Holy shit. -I don't even remember signing this.
284
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:46,173
(papers crinkling)
285
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,030
Why would my father keep this?
286
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:02,570
Maybe he cared more than you think.
287
00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:05,573
(scoffs) He had a fucked up way of showing it.
288
00:16:05,633 --> 00:16:09,173
It was his grandchild, after all.
289
00:16:09,233 --> 00:16:11,073
It could've been too painful for him to talk--
290
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:14,073
I don't care! He should've tried.
291
00:16:14,133 --> 00:16:17,133
He wouldn't be the first person to sweep things under the rug.
292
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,070
What about my pain?
293
00:16:20,033 --> 00:16:22,003
This is pain!
294
00:16:22,066 --> 00:16:24,096
This is contractions.
295
00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:26,266
This is 13 hours in labor.
296
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:30,173
This is not getting to hold him.
297
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:33,273
This is having a 16th birthday party
298
00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:36,673
right after and acting like nothing happened.
299
00:16:36,733 --> 00:16:38,673
(scoffs) Oh, but yes, let's just keep talking about
300
00:16:38,733 --> 00:16:41,033
how painful this was for him.
301
00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:47,673
(scoffs) Yeah.
302
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,300
Hell with going down memory lane. I'm finding my son.
303
00:16:53,366 --> 00:16:56,296
-Brooke, before you do this-- -Oh, I am doing this.
304
00:16:56,366 --> 00:16:58,666
-Uh-- -I am not waiting.
305
00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,333
I tell my patients all the time to take responsibility
306
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,030
for their lives. It's my turn.
307
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:06,570
I'm all for that, you know I am. But...
308
00:17:06,633 --> 00:17:10,373
-take a breath, make sure your head is clear-- -My head is clear.
309
00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:12,433
So then, why rush into it?
310
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:17,630
Over the years, you've had every chance to look for your son.
311
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,130
I was ashamed!
312
00:17:23,466 --> 00:17:26,266
But I can't let that stop me.
313
00:17:27,766 --> 00:17:31,466
But that's not about your son. That's about you.
314
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:34,500
Why do you really wanna do this?
315
00:17:34,566 --> 00:17:37,266
-Are you supporting me or not? -Of course, I am,
316
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:40,473
but don't you think you should be able to answer that question
317
00:17:40,533 --> 00:17:42,373
-before you-- -I guess...
318
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,673
I don't know. I wanna...
319
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,033
apologize to him.
320
00:17:51,133 --> 00:17:53,773
-That's still about you. -Oh, come on, Rita!
321
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:56,733
Haven't you ever made a mistake that you just want to make right?
322
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,500
-Yeah. -Then let me have this!
323
00:17:59,566 --> 00:18:00,996
All I'm saying is
324
00:18:01,066 --> 00:18:03,326
whatever you decide,
325
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,200
it probably shouldn't be decided at this second.
326
00:18:09,666 --> 00:18:11,596
So...
327
00:18:11,666 --> 00:18:13,666
let's say the prayer.
328
00:18:13,733 --> 00:18:17,603
It'll remind you to put your oxygen mask on first.
329
00:18:24,366 --> 00:18:26,466
(inhales, exhales)
330
00:18:28,033 --> 00:18:29,633
God...
331
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:32,170
Both: Grant me the serenity
332
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:35,533
to accept the things I cannot change,
333
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,730
the courage to change the things I can,
334
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,570
and the wisdom to know the difference.
335
00:18:45,766 --> 00:18:48,596
And how can I know the difference?
336
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:53,630
'Cause I've been saying that prayer for years,
337
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,330
and I still don't have the courage
338
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,570
or the wisdom.
339
00:18:58,633 --> 00:19:01,003
Still waiting on the serenity, too.
340
00:19:02,366 --> 00:19:05,566
This happens on God's timeline, not ours.
341
00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:07,473
♪ ♪
342
00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:10,273
I want to apologize to my son.
343
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,700
Even if that's about me.
344
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,270
(sighs)
345
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:23,533
You know I used to talk to him when I was pregnant?
346
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,400
Used to tell him that...
347
00:19:32,733 --> 00:19:35,573
even though I knew he could hear everyone talking about him
348
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:39,603
like he was an inconvenience, a problem.
349
00:19:39,666 --> 00:19:41,766
Before he was even a person.
350
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,766
I didn't think of him like that.
351
00:19:50,066 --> 00:19:53,296
I knew we were on borrowed time.
352
00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:56,596
I knew we'd have to say hello and goodbye on the same day.
353
00:19:58,300 --> 00:19:59,770
So...
354
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:04,500
I would just wanna ask him if...
355
00:20:04,566 --> 00:20:07,626
♪ ♪
356
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,630
if he would forgive me.
357
00:20:20,666 --> 00:20:22,766
What if he says no?
358
00:20:26,566 --> 00:20:28,666
I have to try.
359
00:20:31,066 --> 00:20:34,096
♪ ♪
360
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:03,203
♪ ♪
361
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,200
♪ ♪
25316
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