Original subtitles

WE'VE NEVER MET. IN FACT, I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU EXIST.

SO WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU? MAYBE YOU'RE HOT.

MAYBE I'M TRYING TO GROW MY INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS.

MAYBE I JUST NEED VALIDATION THAT I'M A GOOD GUY,

AND THAT MY SOULMATE IS STILL OUT THERE.

WHATEVER THE REASON, JUST HOLD OFF ON YOUR JUDGMENT TILL THE END.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE I'LL BLOW YOUR MIND.

SO WHERE DO I START?

UM, I WISH I COULD SAY IT BEGAN WITH A SWIPE,

BUT IF I'M BEING REAL, IT BEGAN

WHEN I SAW "EDWARD SCISSORHANDS" FOR THE FIRST TIME.

SOMETHING ABOUT WINONA RYDER AND JOHNNY DEPP

JUST ROLE-PLAYING TIM BURTON'S WET DREAM REALLY SPOKE TO ME.

I BEEN CHASING THAT ROMANCE EVER SINCE.

HONESTLY, IT'S EXHAUSTING. SO WHY EVEN TRY?

WELL, DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY CYNICISM GROWS

LIKE TENSIONS WITH NORTH KOREA,

HOPE... HOPE THAT MY PERSON IS STILL OUT THERE.

DON'T LOSE HOPE JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALMOST 30

AND YOU HAVEN'T MET SOMEONE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE FARTING AROUND.

♪ I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAKE IT, OH... ♪

PARDON ME, SIR.

ARE YOU THE HANDSOME GENTLEMAN I CAME UPON IN MY CELLULAR DEVICE?

YOU ARE SO GOOD-LOOKING, I JUST HAD TO TALK TO YOU.

I AIN'T NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE,

SO COULD WE TAKE IT REAL SLOW...

OKAY... JUST BE A NORMAL HUMAN FOR FIVE SECONDS.

OKAY.

HI. UM, THIS IS EMMA WARREN,

AND IT IS FRIDAY, UH, DECEMBER 3RD

AT APPROXIMATELY 4:00 PM.

IF I GET RAPED AND SERIAL KILLED,

IT WAS PROBABLY WILLIAM FROM TINDER,

WHOSE LAST NAME IS... I DON'T KNOW,

UM, BUT YOU CAN FIND IT IN MY PHONE UNDER...

HE... HEY!

HEY!

ARE YOU WRITING ME A TICKET?

YOUR METER'S EXPIRED.

I WAS SITTING IN THE CAR.

YEAH, I SEE YOU IN THERE PUTTING ON MAKEUP,

BUT THIS ISN'T A GREEN ROOM.

ARE YOU SERIOUS, $68?

- HAVE A GOOD DAY, MISS. - NO.

THIS... THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

- WHAT IS YOUR NAME? - MY NAME'S ON THE TICKET.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

YOU NEED TO FILL YOUR LITTLE QUOTA OR WHATEVER,

BUT THIS IS INSANE. THIS IS SO BACKWARDS.

IT'S ACTUALLY VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD.

GOD, WHY DOES EVERY METER MAID HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?

YOU KNOW, I'D LEAVE MY JOB OUT OF THIS,

AND YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S NOT BEING VERY NICE RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW'S THAT FOR NICE?

BOOM. YEAH.

THIS DOESN'T EVEN NEED MONEY, MA'AM.

I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.

NOT NICE, HE SAYS. I'M SO NICE.

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU PUT SOME MONEY IN YOUR METER

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GOT A TICKET.

LISTEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE IN THE CAR,

ON THE CAR, LISTENING TO THE CAR,

PUTTING MAKEUP ON THE CAR,

OR PUTTING MAKEUP ON YOU,

YOU GOTTA PUT MONEY IN THE METER.

GET SOME HELP!

- WILLIAM? - EMMA?

- HI. - HEY.

SORRY, I WAS BUSY, UH, FIGHTING THE MAN.

SO, I THOUGHT THIS PLACE WAS A CAFÉ.

OH, YEAH, IT'S CAFÉ STYLE,

SO YOU CAN ORDER FOOD AT THE BAR.

YOU KNOW, THEY'LL SERVE IT TO YOU.

HEY, COULD I GET ANOTHER ONE?

SO, UH, WHAT DO YA... WHAT DO YOU WANT HERE?

LIKE FROM THIS DATE OR...?

- OR... - OH, FOOD.

YEAH, OR DRINKS.

OH, CAN I HAVE A FOOD MENU, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

- THANK YOU. - YEAH.

I WAS WORRIED 'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS BLOCKED IN MOST OF YOUR PHOTOS.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

THEY'RE ALL IN, LIKE, SUPER DARK SETTINGS

OR FROM REALLY FAR AWAY,

SO IT'S KINDA TOUGH TO, LIKE, MAKE OUT YOUR FACE.

MM.

WHY DID YOU SWIPE THEN?

- 'CAUSE I SWIPE ON EVERYONE. - OH.

YEAH, JUST 'CAUSE YOU MATCH DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO CONVERSATE.

OKAY. THEN WHY ARE WE CONVERSING?

YOU SEEM FUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? MY ROOMMATE WOULD LOVE YOU.

- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.

I GET A VERY POLYAMOROUS VIBE FROM YOU.

LIKE A MORMON?

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, IT'S BLUE CURACAO.

ISN'T THAT A LIQUEUR?

YEAH, I ONLY DRINK LIQUOR.

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I HAVE A, UM, THE ROASTED BRUSSELS SPROUTS,

AND THE SWEET POTATO FRIES.

- ONLY NORMAL. - WHAT?

- ONLY NORMAL FRY. - OKAY.

SASHA.

SO, UM, WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU WERE IN?

YOU MEAN LIKE ON TINDER?

NO, I MEAN LIKE A TV SHOW OR SOMETHING.

I DELIVER WEED.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE AN ACTOR.

OH! SOMETIMES.

- MOSTLY I DELIVER WEED. - OH.

BUSINESS MUST BE BOOMING.

WHAT? IT TAKES LONGER TO MICROWAVE LEFTOVERS.

WHAT IS, UH, THE MOST ADVENTUROUS THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?

- WHAT? - TELL ME, LIKE,

WHAT THE MOST ADVENTUROUS THING IS YOU'VE EVER DONE.

OH, GOD, UH, MY FRIENDS INVITED ME SKYDIVING ONCE,

BUT I CHICKENED OUT.

- WHAT ABOUT YOU? - WHAT?

DEB. HEY, HEY.

UM, OH!

- YEAH, LET'S HUG. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YOU SMELL DELIGHTFUL. - OH!

- THANK YOU. - UH, YEAH, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

YOU SEEM LIKE AN APEROL SPRITZ KINDA GAL.

- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.

OKAY. HOW REFRESHING.

IT AMAZES ME HOW FEW PEOPLE WILL EVEN ENTERTAIN THE IDEA.

I MEAN, WHEN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART,

- EVERYONE'S QUICK TO BLAME THE OPEN RELATIONSHIP. - RIGHT, RIGHT.

BUT WHEN A COMPLETELY MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART,

NOBODY EVEN THINKS TO BLAME THE MONOGAMY.

YEAH, THAT'S A REALLY GOOD POINT.

IF A RELATIONSHIP'S GONNA FALL APART

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE PEOPLE IN IT,

NOT THE CLASSIFICATION.

BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR, YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

YEAH. HE'S A SMALL DOG TRAINER.

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS SMALL OR HE TRAINS SMALL DOGS?

BOTH.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

UH, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST LOOKING TO CONNECT WITH SOMEBODY.

THE APPS ARE GREAT FOR THAT,

BUT UNLESS YOUR EQUATION ADDS UP PERFECTLY...

YOUR JOB PLUS YOUR HEIGHT DIVIDED BY DISTANCE...

THEN IT'S JUST AN INSTANT SWIPE TO THE NEXT.

- YOU THINK THAT'S HOW GIRLS USE TINDER? - WHAT?

THAT MOSTLY ONLY GIRLS CARE ABOUT HEIGHT?

I MEAN, YEAH, I GUESS.

WHAT'S YOUR PERFECT EQUATION THEN?

I JUST KNOW THAT I WANNA MEET SOMEBODY THAT I LIKE.

YOU KNOW? EVER SINCE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

I'VE JUST WANTED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

BUT, UH, THE TYPE OF PERSON I'M LOOKING FOR?

- HOPEFULLY I'M JUST TAKEN BY SURPRISE. - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, IT'S LIKE RUINING THE END OF A MOVIE.

YOU KNOW?

IF YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU WANT,

THEN IT'S NOT MUCH OF A SURPRISE WHEN YOU GET IT.

- GET WHAT? - WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANT?

A HAPPY ENDING.

NOT... NOT LIKE A...

HAPPY ENDING, BUT...

HAPPY ENDING LIKE IN... IN A MOVIE.

JUST DON'T SAY "GET IT." YOU SOUND POSSESSIVE.

SO, IS THIS WHERE YOU TAKE ALL YOUR TINDER DATES?

NO, SOMETIMES WE SIT OVER THERE.

WELL, I DON'T LIKE THIS PLACE.

OH, WE CAN GO TO THE BAR DOWN THE ROAD.

IT'S FRENCH THEMED.

- ARE YOU DRIVING? - YEAH, SURE.

I... I VALETED, I CAN... YEAH.

- CAN I SEE YOUR ID? - WHAT?

I'M GETTING INTO A STRANGER'S CAR, I NEED TO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR ID,

AND TEXT IT TO A FRIEND JUST IN CASE.

IN CASE I KILL YOU?

- HEY. - I HAD THE WAITRESS GET ANOTHER ROUND.

- OH, NICE. - MM-HMM.

- IT'S A REALLY COOL PLACE. - YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THESE, UM, THESE WALLS ARE ACTUALLY IMPORTED

FROM THE FRENCH QUARTER.

- OH. YEAH. - NEW ORLEANS. IT'S IN NEW ORLEANS.

I DIG IT. IT'S LIKE WE'RE OUTSIDE,

BUT WE'RE ACTUALLY INSIDE.

I HAVE A SUITE AT THE CHATEAU RIGHT NOW.

SMOOTH TRANSITION.

WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S A DOWNGRADE.

I, UH, I WAS AT THE MONDRIAN LAST NIGHT, BUT...

YEAH. SO WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO?

YOU INVEST?

NO. NO.

I, UM, I BUY AND SELL WALLS, ACTUALLY.

- WALLS? - YEAH.

- LIKE, LIKE THESE? - YEAH.

PAR EXEMPLE.

THESE WALLS ACTUALLY CAME FROM, UH,

A BUILDING IN BOURBON STREET.

AND THANK GOD FOR KATRINA, 'CAUSE I GOT A STELLAR DEAL.

- THEY WERE GONNA TEAR THAT PUPPY DOWN. - WHOA.

YEAH. SO, THEY'RE... THEY CAME IN NICE AND WEATHERED.

- WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF WORK. - YEAH, OH, YEAH.

THAT'S JUST NEVER-ENDING.

I MEAN, THESE PLACES ARE SO HOT FOR LIKE A MINNIE,

AND THEN THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW. IT'S OLD NEWS.

I MEAN, THIS PLACE MAYBE HAS A MONTH LEFT IN HER.

REALLY? I THOUGHT THIS PLACE LIKE JUST OPENED.

YEAH, I ACTUALLY HAVE MY...

MY HEART SET ON THIS WALL IN BEIJING, CHINA.

- MM. - YEAH.

YOU, UM...

PHOTOGRAPHY.

- YES. - YOU'RE TRYING TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER.

- YEAH. YEAH. - YEAH.

GO AHEAD. NO, YEAH, GO AHEAD.

I'VE ONLY HAD LIKE ONE LEGIT PHOTOGRAPHY GIG MY WHOLE LIFE,

AND IT ENDED WITH SALMA HAYEK THROWING A SHOE AT ME.

SO, MY EX KNOWS SALMA.

THEY KNOW EACH OTHER. YEAH, TALK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME.

SHE SAYS, "SELMA HAYEK..."

- YEAH? THAT'S COOL. - YEAH.

- YEAH. YEAH. - FOR HER.

UM, SHE'S GREAT.

I JUST MEAN, UM... I WAS SAYING THAT I SHOW UP TO THIS...

THIS BEHIND-THE-SCENES SHOOT AND THE HOST HANDS ME HIS PHONE

TO GET SOME INSTAGRAM PICTURES... WHICH, I MEAN, I GET IT.

IT'S LIKE FRIDA IN THE FLESH, YOU KNOW.

UM, BUT ANYWAY, SALMA'S TALKING ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,

AND I KID YOU NOT, HIS PHONE GOES OFF

WITH NIRVANA'S "RAPE ME" AS THE RINGTONE.

IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

I WANTED TO CRAWL INTO A CORNER AND DIE.

- THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.

THANKS.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO GET TO KNOW ME.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE NICE THING,

BUT TO HER I WAS LIKE THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.

NICE BUILDING, BY THE WAY. NICE FOUNTAIN.

I HAD FUN TONIGHT.

YEAH? I... I DID, TOO.

YEAH. MAYBE NEXT TIME WE CAN DO SOMETHING

THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ALCOHOL.

- SOUNDS FANTASTIC. - YEAH.

GOOD NIGHT, LAUREN.

ADAM.

ON THE SURFACE IT LOOKS LIKE JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SLEEPING AROUND,

BUT OUR LOVE IS JUST AS LEGITIMATE

AS A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP.

IF ANYTHING, WE JUST HAVE TO COMMUNICATE MORE.

OH, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE A FAN OF POLYAMORY

BECAUSE IT IMPROVES COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

NO, IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY CHERRIES ON TOP OF A FLAVOR

I SUGGEST EVERYONE TRY.

BUT YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING JUST ONE FLAVOR.

YOU'RE LOOKING TO DIP YOUR SPOON INTO A BUNCH OF LITTLE CARTONS

- AND HAVE A TASTE. - THAT DOES SOUND DELICIOUS.

WELL, DOESN'T MEAN YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN KNOW

WHAT GOES INTO MAKING ICE CREAM.

AS ABE ROSEN SAID,

YOU'RE JUST A FAN OF THE TERM "POLYAMORY,"

BECAUSE IT'S LESS JUDGMENTAL THAN "SLUT."

- WHO THE HELL IS ABE ROSEN? - I TAKE IT YOU DON'T READ YOUR COMMENTS.

OH, AN INTERNET TROLL?

LOOK, YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT FOR USING TINDER

OR BUMBLE OR ANY OF THE APPS

THAT ACTUALLY MAKE DATING FUN FOR A CHANGE.

BUT IT'S 2018, BABY!

I'M NOT ASHAMED OF CALLING MYSELF AN EMPOWERED SLUT.

WHAT'S EMPOWERING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO COMMIT TO ONE PERSON?

SURE, MONOGAMY MIGHT BE CHALLENGING AT TIMES,

BUT IT'S ALSO MORE REWARDING.

SORRY. WORK.

AH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S MY MONO MATE, EMMA.

COMING HOME FROM ANOTHER TINDER ADVENTURE.

EMMA, TELL US, HOW DID IT GO?

FOR THOSE OF YOU AT HOME WHO CANNOT SEE,

SHE JUST MIMED BLOWING HER BRAINS OUT.

EMMA, DOES THAT MEAN IT WAS EXPLOSIVE?

- NO. - MM, NOW SHE'S ROLLING HER EYES AT ME AS IF TO SAY,

"CHARLOTTE, I, TOO, DISAPPROVE OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.

MM, MORE LIKE THAT'S THE LAST TIME I GET A ROOMMATE ON CRAIGSLIST.

- LOVE YOU, GIRL. - LOVE YOU.

- SERIOUSLY, HOW'D IT GO? - NO, I DON'T WANNA INTERRUPT. I HAVE TO LEAVE AGAIN ANYWAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, STAY. YOU TWO WOULD HAVE A BLAST.

IT'D BE LIKE THE MAVENS OF MONOGAMY

VERSUS THE POLY HOUSE OF PLEASURE.

NO, SOMEONE'S COMPLAINING ABOUT A LEAK.

- CALL A PLUMBER? - YOU WANNA PAY FOR IT?

GOOD LUCK.

WELL, DAMN.

NOW I'M IN THE MOOD FOR ICE CREAM.

- HELLO? - LAUREN.

ARE YOU CALLING ME?

SHOULD I NOT HAVE CALLED?

IT'S JUST WEIRD.

IT'S WEIRD THAT YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD.

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I WAS MISLEADING.

I'M JUST NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS.

WHY'D YOU KISS ME THEN?

I... IT SEEMED LIKE IT WOULD BE FUN.

SO YOU DON'T WANNA SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN?

NOT RIGHT NOW.

CAN I ASK WHY?

I'M JUST NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

NOT WITH ME, YOU MEAN.

YOU'RE LIKE A COLLEGE KID.

I MEAN, WHO WEARS A T-SHIRT ON A FIRST DATE?

IT'S KINDA HARD TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

O-KAY.

GOOD LUCK.

LEISURE VALLEY.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU WERE JUST FIRED.

I WISH. NOBODY'S HERE.

I WANNA GO HOME.

CHRISTMAS ISN'T A VERY POPULAR TIME TO GET SICK.

CHRISTMAS IS THE MOST POPULAR TIME TO GET SICK.

MAYBE GET SICK OF YOUR FAMILY, NOT CONTRACT A VIRUS.

HA.

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE DONE YOU WANNA GO OUT SOMEWHERE?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M PROBABLY JUST GONNA GO HOME.

I... I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO CALL.

I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 5:30

AND I'M SUPER TIRED AND, YES, I KNOW I'M BEING LAME.

YOU STILL SEEING THAT BUMBLE GUY, BEN FRANKLIN?

WE BROKE UP.

IS IT BECAUSE HIS NAME IS BEN FRANKLIN?

BECAUSE HE'S SUPER SENSITIVE

AND I'M A CRAZY PERSON.

DID HE HAVE FOUNDING FATHER ISSUES?

HILARIOUS.

WELL, THAT SUCKS. I'M... I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I PROBABLY NEED A BREAK FROM DATING ANYWAY.

ISN'T YOUR BIRTHDAY COMING UP?

THE 23RD.

AS IN LIKE TWO WEEKS?

MM-HMM.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD DO SOMETHING BIG.

STEF, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? LET'S DEFINITELY DO SOMETHING BIG.

ACTUALLY, DON'T DO ANYTHING. I'LL ORGANIZE A RAGER.

HOW... HOW OLD ARE YOU TURNING?

MM.

- 30? - YEAH.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA FIND A MASSIVE HOUSE IN THE HILLS,

AND... AND WE WILL INVITE ALL OF THE PEOPLE.

OKAY.

I'LL EVEN INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND

FDR. HE'S AN ABSOLUTE DIME.

FAYE! I GOTTA GO.

ALL RIGHT. BYE, STEF.

YO.

HOLY SHIT, IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

- WHAT'S GOING ON? - I'M HONESTLY AMAZED THAT YOU ANSWERED.

YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON THAT I KNOW THAT STILL CALLS ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

I'M ON BREAK. GOTTA WORK ALL NIGHT, THOUGH.

YOU'RE HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK I'M HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE?

I'D DO THE SAME IF IT WERE THAT EASY.

- TOUCHÉ. - YOU GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS?

NAH, I GOTTA WORK. HOW ABOUT YOU?

I'M A JEW. I HEAR CHRISTMAS AND I THINK CHICKEN LO MEIN.

OOH.

- THANK YOU. - OF COURSE.

HEY, YOU KNOW, MAN, I GOTTA GET GOING.

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE MEN LIKE YOU.

AND TINDER NEEDS MORE WOMEN LIKE YOU.

- WHAT? - SORRY, I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE.

OKAY. I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER, YEAH?

AH, LATER.

OKAY.

- HEY. - HEY.

SO, UH, WHAT'S UP?

I THOUGHT WE WERE MEETING AT YOUR PLACE.

NO. I TOLD YOU I CAN'T HOST. I GOT A ROOMMATE

WELL, I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HOOKING UP IN YOUR CAR, DUDE.

YOU GOT A ROOM?

YEAH, I TOLD YOU.

YOU GOT ROOMMATES THOUGH, RIGHT?

I'VE GOT ONE ROOMMATE WHO'S COME OUT ONCE IN THE LAST YEAR.

OUT OF HIS ROOM.

YEAH, LISTEN, I DON'T DO THIS KINDA SHIT.

I GOT A GIRLFRIEND AT HOME,

SO EITHER WE JUST DO IT IN THE CAR

- OR WE CAN GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. - YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND?

DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE BI?

I'M NOT BI. I'M STRAIGHT.

RIGHT. WELL, YOU'RE MEETING UP WITH A GUY FROM GRINDR,

SO YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT.

I'M NOT GAY.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT, I LIKE GIRLS.

WITH GUYS, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST PHYSICAL.

CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT,

I JUST WISH YOU WOULD'VE TOLD ME BEFORE I...

YEAH, I DROVE UP FROM PASADENA FOR THIS,

SO WHO GIVES A SHIT WHERE WE DO IT?

I'M NOT HERE TO JUST DO IT, OKAY?

ESPECIALLY NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR VAN.

WE'RE IN THE FRONT OF A FORD EXPLORER.

COOL. SORRY.

THIS ISN'T A DATE, BRO.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A DATE.

OKAY? YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST GONNA...

- CAN YOU LET ME OUT, PLEASE? - THEN WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

I DON'T KNOW, JUST NOT THIS. CAN YOU LET ME OUT?

- FOR REAL? - YEAH.

I THINK YOU AND I ARE LOOKING FOR DIFFERENT THINGS, OKAY?

YEAH. WHATEVER.

ASSHOLE!

DICK.

♪ WAIT FOR THE CHANCES OF LOVE ♪

♪ SPEND EVERY FRIDAY AT HOME ♪

♪ WATCH DAYS GO BY, BURNING DESIRES ♪

♪ IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU GIVE AND THEY WON'T ♪

♪ WAIT FOR THE CHANCES, TAKE A YEAR OFF ♪

♪ GIVE THEM MORE ANSWERS BUT FROM ABOVE ♪

OKAY, YEAH.

YOU TOOK A BATH, YEAH?

UM... BATH?

ACTUALLY THERE'S A CRACK IN THE TUB,

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND TAKING A SHOWER?

UH, UH, YES, BATH BROKE.

I KNOW. YEAH.

I'M SAYING IF YOU DON'T MIND TAKING A SHOWER,

IT'LL CAUSE...

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SAYING, DO YOU?

RIGHT NOW. I COULD JUST SAY ANYTHING.

NO, SHOWER. UH, BATH.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU. - YEAH.

WE TAKE BATH?

NEIGHBOR! COME, JOIN US.

NO, DIEGO, I'M GOOD. THANK YOU, THOUGH.

NO, BUT WE HAVE MARGARITAS.

MARGARITAS!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE IN A LITTLE BIT.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WE GOT BEER, TEQUILA, I MEAN...

- BEER IS FINE WITH ME. - AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU THE BEST DRINK EVER.

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

- HOW'S IT GOING? - OH, MIRA. OYE, HOMBRE.

UN FAVOR, VETE PA' FUERA, CHEQUEA SI LLUEGO EL TRAFICANTE.

PUES, CLARO QUE SI.

MIRA, TOMA, TOMA, TOMA.

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA GET ME ONE OF THOSE.

VERY SMART, VERY SMART.

I WAS NEVER ONE OF THOSE NINE-TO-FIVE GUYS, REALLY.

I EARNED EVERYTHING WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS

AND IT'S ALL MINE.

IT'S IMPRESSIVE.

COULD TOTALLY RENT OUT THE ROOMS HERE.

ALL RIGHT, MISSY FOOL, HERE YOU GO.

GIVE THIS YOUR TRY.

YOU GUYS ARE TOO NICE.

- WHAT IS THIS? - MM, JUST TRY IT.

- IT'S TEQUILA. - MM-HMM.

AGAVE MARGARITA.

NOW, I NEED YOU TO HOLD ON TO THAT,

'CAUSE WE GOT YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL

JUST FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

BOW!

UH-OH. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING TO ME?

OH, STOP COMPLAINING.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS! - ¡FELIZ NAVIDAD, MIJITA!

- OH! - WHOO!

- SO GOOD. - OH, THAT GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS.

ALFONSO!

CHANGE THE MUSIC, BRO.

I NEED SOMETHING MORE RED HOT, RED HOT.

- I GOTTA DANCE. I GOTTA DANCE. - COME ON. VAMONOS.

WHO'S ADAM?

OH, HE'S JUST THIS GUY FROM TINDER.

INVITE HIM, INVITE HIM.

YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER SINGLE

DURING THAT WHOLE ENTIRE, LIKE, ONLINE DATING THING.

HE JUST HAD A FACEBOOK FLING.

- UH. - YEAH, AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL FLAME TRIED

TO RECONNECT WITH HIM ON FACEBOOK.

WHAT... WHAT DID SHE SAY TO YOU, BABY?

SOMETHING LIKE, "HEY, D,

REMEMBER THOSE STEAMY NIGHTS IN THE BACK OF YOUR TRANS AM?"

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. SHE'S MARRIED NOW

AND SHE'S JUST A MEMORY.

AND SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU.

SHE WAS... NOT... NOT HOW I INTERPRETED IT.

NO, AND BESIDES, I TOLD HER, I SAID,

"HEY, NO, LOOK. YOU KNOW, I AM MARRIED

TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD."

AWW. I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS WANT

SOME TINDER RANDO ROAMING AROUND YOUR HOUSE.

HEY, ¿POR QUÉ NO?

IF HE'S A CREEPER...

I'M GONNA KNOCK HIS TEETH OUT.

WELL, LET ME SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

- OOH, ME, TOO. - HE'S CUTE, RIGHT?

HEY, WHAT'S... WAIT, WHAT'S HE POINTING AT?

I DON'T KNOW. HE'S A FILMMAKER,

SO I THINK HE'S, LIKE, WORKING OR SOMETHING.

YEAH? HE'S FAIR-SKINNED.

- SO? - I'M FAIR-SKINNED.

WHY'S HE SO SKINNY?

HEY, BABY, COMPARED TO THESE, EVERYONE'S SKINNY.

YOUR NIPPLES?

OH, HE... HE MESSAGED YOU.

"DOES IT MATTER THAT I'M JEWISH?"

WHY WOULD HE ASK IF IT MATTERS IF HE'S JEWISH?

'CAUSE I SAID I'M AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY.

OH, SO YOU ALREADY INVITED HIM, THEN.

- OOH! - AYE!

HE'S COMING, OKAY. HE SAID HE'S COMING.

- HE'S COMING, OKAY? HE'S COMING. - OKAY, OKAY.

THIS REMINDS ME OF, UH, SHAVING MY LEGS.

UH, WHICH I ACTUALLY DON'T DO ANYMORE,

UH, BECAUSE FEMINISM.

UH, NOW, IF YOU'RE...

ALL RIGHTY, THAT DOES IT.

OOPSIES!

ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEAH. - YEAH.

- HOW NEEDS ASPARAGUS? - WHO NEEDS IT?

- WE COULD DO WITHOUT IT. - YEAH.

YEAH, I DON'T NEED IT.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

JUST GONNA MAKE A LITTLE MOVE OVER HERE.

CAREFUL, I'M HEAVY.

NO, YOU'RE LIGHT AS A BIRD.

THIN AS A MACBOOK.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

HELLO.

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE?

YES.

BUT I LIKE HEARING IT.

YOUR TURN.

TO THE MOST MAGICAL THREE MONTHS OF MY LIFE,

AND TO STARTING A NEW CHAPTER IN L.A. IN...

OH, MY GOSH! IN JUST THREE WEEKS?

LOOK. MY HAND.

IT'S TREMBLING AT THE THOUGHT OF YOU BEING HERE.

I CAN'T WAIT TO BE THERE WITH YOU.

I FEEL LIKE I WAS BORN HERE BY ACCIDENT.

OH. WELL, I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

OH.

NO. I DON'T MEAN I'M AN ACCIDENT.

IT WAS JUST A JOKE ABOUT HOW NO ONE LIVES IN WISCONSIN ON PURPOSE.

I SEE.

THAT'S FUNNY.

- CHEERS. - CHEERS.

SMELLS LIKE A SENIOR CENTER IN HERE.

ADAM JUST WALKED IN.

HI, ADAM!

SORRY.

HEY! HEY, SOPHIE!

YOU GUYS ARE SERIOUSLY ADORABLE.

SON OF A BITCH.

THIS KEEPS HAPPENING.

EVERY TIME I SAY A WORD WITH SIRI IN IT,

MY PHONE THINKS I'M TALKING TO IT.

HEY, LOOK. I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SERIOUS.

SERIAL KILLER.

I WANT A BOWL OF CEREAL.

- SIRI! - THERE'S A SETTING FOR THAT, MAN.

IT'S NOT EVEN WORKING NOW. WHERE?

I'LL SHOW YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT. UH, WELL, REAL QUICK.

MY 5-4 PACKAGE HASN'T COME YET.

CAN I BORROW A JACKET?

MAYBE A SWAB OR TWO OF DEODORANT?

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DEODORANT? - I GOT THE GEL KIND.

IT'S LIKE SLIMY AND GROSS. I JUST... I HATE IT.

YEAH, OKAY. UH, JUST NOTHING LEFT

- OF THE SWEATER VEST, PLEASE. - BLESS YOU, DAVE.

- BYE, SOPHIE. - BYE, ADAM.

WHERE WERE WE?

UH, DAVEY, MY COMPUTER'S DYING,

AND I LEFT MY CHARGER AT WORK.

LET'S TALK TOMORROW?

OH, OKAY.

UM, WHAT ABOUT DINNER?

I'M SORRY. I WANNA FINISH,

BUT I'M AT ONE PERCENT.

I'LL TEXT YOU FROM THE OFFICE.

SURE. YEAH.

UH, LET'S DO THAT.

UH, SLEEP TIGHT.

UH, SLEEP WELL.

SUGARPLUM?

I LOVE YOU.

OKAY.

OKAY.

- TALK TOMORROW. - YEAH, TALK TOMORROW.

TALK TO YOU... WE'LL... WE'LL TALK.

GOOD NIGHT.

- BYE. - BYE.

I SAID NOTHING LEFT OF THE SWEATER VEST, ADAM.

- WHAT ARE YOU... - I'LL REPLACE IT, IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO IT.

I LOVE THIS JACKET.

MINUS THE RATTLING NOISE.

I DON'T WANNA MISLEAD ANY HOMELESS PEOPLE.

YOU OKAY?

I HEARD THE END. OF YOUR CONVERSATION,

HOPEFULLY NOT THE RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT IS ON MY JACKET?

OH, IT'S PROBABLY JUST DEODORANT.

HOW'D YOU GET DEODORANT ON THAT PART OF THE JACKET?

I'LL JUST GRAB ANOTHER ONE.

THIS IS A RANDOM THOUGHT,

BUT WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST CALL YOU FROM HER CELL PHONE?

THANK YOU.

HEY! I THINK I'M HERE,

BUT THERE'S... THERE'S POLICE ON THE FRONT PORCH

AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE PARTY'S BEING SHUT DOWN.

- YO! HEY. - EMMA, HEY.

SORRY, IT JUST ENDED LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

OH, NO. TERRIBLE TIMING. SORRY.

- NO, THANKS FOR COMING. - OH, OF COURSE, YEAH.

YOU'RE... YOU... YOU'RE VERY PRETTY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE QUITE HANDSOME.

OH, YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.

WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE ELSE 'CAUSE I'M LIKE STILL IN THE ZONE.

YOU'RE IN THE ZONE, YEAH. WHERE SHOULD WE GO?

- MM. - GECKOS, AND YOU'RE BOTH COMING.

DO YOU KNOW THEM?

REALLY KNOW SOMEBODY?

- I DON'T KNOW, LET'S JUST GO. - YEAH. OKAY.

♪ PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ♪

♪ PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA SE NECESSITA UNA POCA DE GRACIA. ♪

YEAH! GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,

YOU CAN DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

JUST, UH, BE SURE TO LEAVE MY UNCLE A HEALTHY TIP, HUH?

- OF COURSE. - HEY!

A LITTLE, UH, JUNGLE JUICE.

THANK YOU.

OH, OH, TODAY IS MY UNCLE'S 40TH ANNIVERSARY

WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE, MY TIA MARIA,

THAT BEAUTIFUL LADY SITTING OVER THERE.

HOLA, TIA!

- HEY. - HI.

HEY, CHEERS.

CHEERS!

HEY.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOME PERICO,

JUST HOLLER AT ME QUIETLY, HUH?

I DON'T WANT MY TIA TO HEAR.

- I'M OKAY. - I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

- THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY GENEROUS. - THANKS.

I DO ALL THE MAINTENANCE,

SO IF THERE'S LIKE A PROBLEM WITH THE HEATER, I FIX IT.

IF THERE'S A LEAK, I FIX IT.

SO YOU'RE LIKE THERE EVERY DAY TAKING NAMES.

- YES. - AH, THAT'S IMPORTANT.

YEAH. DO YOU, UH... DO YOU LIVE THERE, TOO?

NO. I LIVE IN LOS FELIZ,

BUT THE HOUSE I MANAGE IS NEXT DOOR TO CARLA AND DIEGO'S.

THEY'RE GREAT, BY THE WAY.

- THEY ARE. - YEAH.

I HATE GOING THERE ALONE, THOUGH.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME SORT OF DEBAUCHERY GOING ON.

- AS YOU CAN SEE. - NO, SCREW YOU!

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN INVITE ME ANYWAYS. - IT'S A BAR.

I CAN'T STOP YOU FROM SHOWING UP.

- SAY THEIR NAMES AND THEY APPEAR. - HI, GUYS.

- MMM! - AH, MY CHILDREN.

- ¿QUÉ PASO? - HEY.

SO, WHO'S NEXT?

- FOR WHAT? - ♪ SINGING ♪

- OH, NO, THAT'S NOT ME. - NO. YOU GUYS DOING IT?

♪ DON'T STOP THAT FEELING. ♪

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU POINTING AT ME FOR? NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

- IT'S GO TIME. - NO, NO, NO, NO.

ADAM.

YES!

YES!

♪ COCKROACH, C-C-COCKROACH ♪

♪ ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO DANCE ♪

♪ SHE DOESN'T MIND THAT HER LEG IS MISSING ♪

♪ SHE WOULD NEVER MISS A CHANCE ♪

♪ IN THE HOUSE, NOBODY WANTS HER ♪

♪ SO THEY HUNT HER THROUGH THE BACK DOOR ♪

♪ NOW SHE GOES AFTER THE CRUISING... ♪

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU MEET SOMEBODY.

TINDER'S JUST ONE OF A MILLION PLATFORMS.

HAVEN'T YOU WONDERED IF THESE DATING APPS

ATTRACT A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON?

LIKE PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT HOOKUPS

OR WEIRDOS CATFISHING FROM THEIR MOM'S BASEMENTS?

I THINK I'M A PRETTY NORMAL GUY

AND I CAN'T MEET ANYBODY ANYWHERE.

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE NORMAL, HUH?

WELL, MY MOM SEEMS TO THINK SO.

THEN AGAIN I HAVE BEEN OUT HERE FOR SEVEN YEARS,

AND, I DON'T KNOW, ANY TIME I SEEM TO LIKE SOMEBODY

THEY NEVER LIKE ME BACK.

REALLY?

I COULD BUILD A COLLAGE OF ALL THE REJECTION TEXTS

- THAT I'VE EVER RECEIVED. - GOD, THAT SURPRISES ME.

IT DOES.

NO, I'VE TRIED 'EM ALL, TOO.

LIKE BUMBLE, OKCUPID, JDATE,

JSWIPE, EVEN CHRISTIAN MINGLE

TO TRY MY HAND AT THE SHIKSAS.

WAIT, WHAT ARE SHIKSAS?

UH, THEY'RE, UH, ACCORDING TO MY GRANDPA, PRACTICE.

NEVER MIND.

IS THIS SEXY THAT I'M TELLING YOU ALL THIS?

- I... YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GREAT SO FAR. - IS THIS SMOOTH?

GUYS ARE LIKE THE BALL IN A PINBALL MACHINE,

AND GIRLS ARE LIKE THE LITTLE FLIPPER,

PUSHING THEM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

OKAY, GUYS AND GIRLS SHOULD PUSH EACH OTHER.

WE SHOULD BE EQUALLY SUPPORTIVE.

YEAH, BUT GUYS ARE ONE-DIMENSIONAL.

YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM FOR ONLY WANTING ONE THING,

JUST LIKE YOU CAN'T BLAME THE BALL FOR GOING TOWARD THE DRAIN.

YOU MEAN THE HOLE.

GUYS ARE LIKE BALLS AND GIRLS ARE LIKE THE HOLE.

I'M ACTUALLY SHOOTING A MUSIC VIDEO TOMORROW.

TOMORROW?

- MM-HMM. - YOU'RE OUT DRINKING?

IT'S A NIGHT SHOOT, SO I CAN SLEEP IN.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT THIS ELDERLY COUPLE THAT HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE.

ONE DAY THE HUSBAND GOES TO AN ANTIQUE SHOP

AND FINDS THIS LAMP.

- LAMP? - LAMP, YEAH.

LIKE A THING THAT EMITS LIGHT.

I KNOW WHAT A LAMP IS. THANK YOU.

HEY, I'M NOT JUDGING. I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT A DUVET IS YESTERDAY.

SO, ANYWAY, HE, UH, THAT NIGHT, FLIPS THE LAMP ON,

AND WHAT DOES HE SEE?

HIS WIFE IS THE SAME AGE AS THE DAY THAT THEY FIRST MET.

SO HE RUNS TO THE MIRROR AND HE, TOO, IS 50 YEARS YOUNGER.

IT TRANSFORMED WHEREVER THE LAMP CAST ITS LIGHT.

THEY FALL BACK IN LOVE

UNTIL THE END WHEN THE BULB GOES OUT AND THEN THEY DIE.

WHAT?

I'M JUST JOKING.

THEY JUST REMEMBER WHY THEY FELL IN LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THAT'S SO CUTE.

I LIKE THAT.

THE LAMP'S LIKE A METAPHOR FOR LOVE,

THE LOVE THAT WAS LOST IN THE DARKNESS IS FOUND IN THE LIGHT.

- PROFOUND. - MM. YOU SHOULD COME.

BRING YOUR CAMERA, BE OUR ON-SET PHOTOGRAPHER.

- OKAY. - YEAH?

YEAH.

SO I GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.

CAN'T WAIT.

OKAY, SO WE COVERED DATING, WE COVERED WORK.

TELL ME... TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

UGH. YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW?

WELL, NOW YOU'VE PIQUED MY INTEREST, YEAH.

OKAY. MY GRANDMA WAS AMAZING.

I ACTUALLY LIVED WITH HER FOR, LIKE, PART OF MY CHILDHOOD.

MY PARENTS WERE GREAT.

THEY'RE REALLY, REALLY GREAT HUMANS,

BUT THEY CHEATED ON EACH OTHER A BUNCH.

I HAVE THIS, LIKE, MEMORY OF BEING IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY MOM'S CAR

WHILE WE STAKED OUT THE OTHER WOMAN'S HOUSE,

JUST, LIKE, WAITING FOR MY DAD TO COME OUT,

AND HE DID AND IT JUST GOT SUPER CRAZY AND MESSY.

AND THEN SHE CHEATED ON HIM TOWARDS THE END OF THEIR MARRIAGE,

JUST LIKE ONE LAST JAB AT HIM.

- THAT SOUNDS INTENSE. - YEAH,

NOT THE FINEST HOUR IN WARREN FAMILY HISTORY.

BUT THEY'RE FINE NOW. I MEAN, SEPARATELY.

AND I WENT TO LIVE WITH MY GRANDMA IN CONNECTICUT

FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT,

WHICH WAS PROBABLY THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE.

WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS? I'M SORRY.

I'M PROBABLY BEING, LIKE, WAY MORE OPEN THAN I SHOULD.

NO, NO, NO. NOT AT... NOT AT ALL.

I'M... I'M IMPRESSED.

YOUR GRANDMA DID A GREAT JOB RAISING YOU.

SHE'S LIKE MRS. DOUBTFIRE,

ONLY AN ACTUAL WOMAN AND NOT YOUR DAD DRESSED IN DRAG.

THAT'D BE DISTURBING.

AND QUITE PROGRESSIVE.

TRULY AHEAD OF ITS TIME, THAT MOVIE.

- IT WAS. - MM.

YEAH, I'M... I'M REALLY SURPRISED YOU CALLED ME.

- WHEN? - EARLIER TONIGHT,

BEFORE WE MET YOU CALLED.

WOULD YOU HAVE PREFERRED I TEXTED?

NO. I LOVED IT.

IT WAS, LIKE, VERY SWEET AND GENTLEMANLY.

WELL, I'M GLAD THAT YOU APPRECIATED IT.

THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT CALL ME ARE MY PARENTS

OR THOSE AUTOMATED MESSAGES SAYING I'VE BEEN APPROVED

FOR A $20,000 LOAN.

WE SHOULD MAKE A DEAL

THAT ALL FUTURE FORMS OF COMMUNICATION, PHONE CALL ONLY.

I'LL ONE UP YOU.

HOW ABOUT ALL FUTURE FORMS OF COMMUNICATING

MUST BE DONE IN PERSON?

THAT'D MEAN WE'D HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.

OKAY, SO YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

UNLESS WE'RE MAKING PLANS TO SEE EACH OTHER,

AT WHICH POINT, YOU KNOW, A PHONE CALL

OR A HANDWRITTEN NOTE WILL DO.

OKAY, IT'S A DEAL.

- SHAKE ON IT? - YEAH.

IT'S OFFICIAL.

SO YOU TOLD HER YOU LOVE HER AND SHE DIDN'T SAY IT BACK,

AND NOW YOU'RE WATCHING MY VIDEO BECAUSE YOU THINK IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

I'M SORRY FOR YOU, BUDDY, YOU KNOW, BUT I SPEAK THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH HURTS.

FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU AT ALL.

SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.

EVERYBODY WANTS CONNECTION WITHOUT THE CONVERSATION.

SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ANSWERS,

I SUGGEST YOU REMOVE THE SUPER GLUE

BONDING YOUR TESTICLES TO YOUR EGO,

START ASKING SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS.

SECONDLY, I THINK...

LISTEN TO THIS.

"SO SORRY. I COULDN'T SLEEP.

HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH YOU." SMILEY FACE.

"EMMA. P.S., REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE LAMP.

LET ME KNOW HOW I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU."

THAT EXPLAINS THE MESS.

- DID YOU LEAVE MONEY FOR IT? - NO.

WAIT, SHOULD I HAVE?

DID SHE REALIZE THAT WAS A PROP FOR YOUR SHOOT TODAY?

IT'S NOT EVEN THE LAMP THAT I'M UPSET ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE FACT THAT WE HAD THIS GREAT NIGHT OUT,

FOLLOWED BY A REALLY GREAT NIGHT IN,

AND THEN SHE'S TAKEN OFF AS IF IT WERE A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

- MAYBE IT WAS. - IT WASN'T.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW? - SHOULD I CALL HER?

IF I WERE YOU, YEAH.

LOOK, THE EARLY MORNING DIP OUT IS NOT BENEATH ME,

BUT I AM VERY AWARE THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT COOL WITH IT.

STOP BITING YOUR CUTICLES.

IT'S DISGUSTING.

IF HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME, HE'S GONNA REACH OUT, RIGHT?

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN. - IF TINDER EXISTED

WHEN YOUR GRANDPARENTS MET, YOU'D PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

MY GRANDMA WOULD'VE JUST SNUCK OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND FOUND SOME OTHER SCHMUCK FIVE MILES AWAY.

WHY YOU BRINGING MY GRANDPARENTS INTO THIS?

BECAUSE, DAVE, THEY HAD IT EASY.

ALL RIGHT, GHOSTING SOMEBODY IN 1940

JUST MEANT MOVING TO A DIFFERENT AREA CODE.

- WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS. - I GOT YOUR TEXT.

I'M SORRY, THE ANSWER IS NO.

WELL, DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH A LAMP?

- ANYONE AT ALL? - NOT THE KIND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

AND, HONESTLY, IF I WERE YOU, I'D HAVE THIS CHICK PAY FOR IT.

RIGHT. WANNA HELP OUT TONIGHT?

IF THIS GIRL ACTUALLY ENDS UP COMING, I WANT YOU TO MEET HER.

NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE NOT GONNA SASHAY ME AROUND

SO I COULD PLAY THE PART OF YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND.

NOBODY WOULD EVER SUSPECT YOU OF BEING MY BEST FRIEND.

YEAH, THAT'S FAIR. I GOTTA WORK, THOUGH.

IS THIS WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BECOME,

- JUST A SERIES OF EXCUSES? - SORRY, MAN, I'M BUSY.

YES, 'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY MEETING UP WITH DUDES ON GRINDR.

ACTUALLY, THAT PART TAKES FIVE MINUTES.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT WORK. - YOU SHOULD JUST FIND A SUGAR DADDY.

WHY DON'T YOU FIND A SUGAR DADDY?

- EH... - THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.

- ALL RIGHT, LATER. - I'LL TALK TO YOU.

YOU SERIOUS?

I GUESS YOU'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD.

DID HE BRING THE DRINKS?

- JUST GET OUTTA HERE. - RELAX.

IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GONNA SUSPECT

YOU'RE BANGING THE PIZZA DELIVERY BOY.

I'M SERIOUS. IF YOU COME BACK HERE AGAIN,

I'M GONNA THROW YOU OFF THIS GODDAMN BALCONY.

THAT'S FUNNY TO YOU?

NO, SORRY, JUST NERVES.

JUST GET ME A NEW ONE.

SEND SOMEBODY ELSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M GETTING SO INSIDE MY HEAD ABOUT THIS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GOOGLE IT.

I GOOGLE ALL MY PROBLEMS.

YOU'VE BEEN IN A THREE-MONTH RELATIONSHIP

ON FACETIME WITH A GIRL YOU MET ONCE.

THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM. THAT'S A MODERN-DAY FAIRYTALE.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU FELL IN LOVE LAST NIGHT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I MEAN, I LIKE HER BUT GIVEN MY TRACK RECORD OF REJECTION,

SHE'LL PROBABLY JUST IGNORE ME.

FOR ALL I KNOW IT WAS A ONE-NIGHT STAND

AND NOW I'M DRIVING MYSELF ABSOLUTELY NUTS

JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF I SHOULD CALL.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TEXT HER.

- TEXT EMMA? NO, WE GOT THIS... - TEXTING EMMA.

NO.

NO! NO!

YOU KNOW, IF YOUR FINGERS ARE FEELING IDLE,

YOU COULD TEXT THAT BEEFCAKE FROM YESTERDAY.

WHO, WILLIAM? NO.

IF YOU WON'T, I WILL.

BESIDES, YOU DID SAY THAT HE REMINDED YOU OF...

OH WAIT, HE TEXTED ME.

WHO, BEEFCAKE?

"I MEAN, I WIPE HER BUTT GIVEN MY TRACK RECORD OF REJECTION.

SHE'LL PROBABLY JUST..." OH, HE'S CALLING ME NOW. WHAT?

- HELLO? - HEY.

- DID YOU GET MY TEXT? - I DID.

I, UH... I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW.

AH, I WAS JUST... IT'S LIKE PART OF AN OP-ED PIECE ABOUT MODERN...

IT'S... IT'S STUPID. JUST IGNORE IT.

IS IT ABOUT US OR...?

UM, NO, JUST, LIKE, MY EXPERIENCES

WITH DATING IN GENERAL.

ANYWAY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE WEIRDER NOT TO CALL YOU AT THIS POINT.

NO, I'M... I'M GLAD THAT YOU DID.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE LAMP.

I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE MORE PERSONAL TO LEAVE A HANDWRITTEN NOTE

INSTEAD OF A TEXT.

YEAH, YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD.

I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE.

OR I CAN, LIKE, GIVE YOU A GIFT CARD TO WEST ELM OR SOMETHING.

IT'S... IT'S COOL.

UH, YOU STILL WANNA HELP WITH THE SHOOT TONIGHT?

YEAH, I DO.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING, BY THE WAY.

YEAH, THAT'S HOW I DO.

ANYWAY, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, OKAY?

- BYE. - BYE.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I AM SEEING HIM TONIGHT.

OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?

ONE LITTLE PHONE CHAT AND EVERYTHING'S ALL CLEARED UP.

IT WAS NICE OF HIM TO CALL, THOUGH.

IT WAS, WASN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, I'M HAVING THIS GUEST ON TOMORROW NIGHT

THAT CAN'T STOP SOCIAL MEDIA STALKING ONE OF HER BOYFRIENDS.

- ONE OF? - IF SHE WOULD JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL,

SHE'D PROBABLY GET MUCH BETTER ANSWERS

THAN SURMISING HIS EVERY MOVE OFF OF INSTAGRAM PICS.

SPEAKING OF, WHICH ONE OF YOUR MANY LOVERS ARE YOU STALKING RIGHT NOW?

NONE.

THERE'S THIS ONE GUY, ABRAHAM ROSEN.

HE KEEPS TROLLING MY WEBSITE.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT INTERNET TROLLS?

AND HE HAS LUNCH AT THE SAME SPOT EVERY DAY,

- THIS ARMENIAN SPOT UP THE WAY. - SO?

HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO REPORT MY PODCAST

TO THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH SO THEY COULD CLASSIFY IT AS AN STD.

DAMN.

SO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER NIGHT.

OKAY? YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS,

AND ALL THE LOVE AND THE PASSION THAT WAS ONCE THERE IS GONE.

SO PRETEND HE'S MY REAL HUSBAND.

- EXACTLY. YEAH. - I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM, OKAY?

- YEAH, PLEASE. YOU? - NO.

- WATER? - OH, NO, NO.

THANK YOU.

SO MY FRIEND SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND WITH THE REPLACEMENT LAMP,

- AND THEN WE'LL RUN A REHEARSAL. - OKAY.

YOU WANT ME TO BE READING, TOO,

OR SHOULD I BE TRYING TO SLEEP AND HE'S WAKING ME UP

WITH HIS FAKAKTA LAMP?

UH, I THINK YOU SHOULD BE READING, TOO.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE A ROUTINE, ONLY TONIGHT DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED.

- GOTCHA! - STEF, YOU'RE A LIFE SAVER.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE JUST LIKE A 30-MINUTE BREAK

AND THEN WE'LL PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF?

- SURE. - ALL RIGHT.

30 MINUTES!

- HI! - THIS IS AMAZING. THANK YOU.

JUST BE CAREFUL WITH HER, MY AUNT GAVE HER TO ME.

I WILL TREAT HER LIKE SHE IS MY ONLY CHILD.

UM, THIS IS... THIS IS EMMA, BY THE WAY,

OUR AMAZING ON-SET PHOTOGRAPHER.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M THE ONE WHO BROKE THE LAMP.

SO, THE BROKEN LAMP CULPRIT.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO THIS...

THEN I WILL PAY YOU AND YOUR AUNT THREE TIMES WHAT IT IS WORTH.

NO, I THINK THEN YOU'LL MAKE MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

- THREE TIMES MORE FUN. - IF YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY

ISN'T LIKE MAXIMUM FUN THEN I HAVE FAILED YOU AS A FRIEND.

I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO COME.

I'M ALREADY COMPETING WITH CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR'S.

- WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING? - A LITTLE NITRO BREW.

- CAN I TRY SOME? - I'M SEEING FRANCIS LATER IF YOU WANNA COME.

MM. HOW MUCH?

NOTHING. MY CO-WORKER HAS TO WORK LATE.

SHE JUST GAVE ME THE TICKETS.

I'M SO DOWN.

I'M GONNA BUY YOU A T-SHIRT THIS TIME.

UM, DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET?

SHE ONLY GAVE ME TWO,

BUT I'M SURE YOU COULD FIND A TICKET ON CRAIGSLIST,

- IF YOU WANNA COME. - YEAH, OR I'LL JUST GIVE YOU MY TICKET

AND THEN I'LL BUY ONE FROM LIKE A SCALPER OUTSIDE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. I ACTUALLY HAVE PLANS WITH MY ROOMMATE TONIGHT,

AND I CAN'T REALLY DITCH HER. SO...

YOU ALREADY HAVE PLANS?

YEAH.

BUT YOU GUYS GO TO THE CONCERT AND HAVE FUN.

WE'LL JUST DO SOMETHING LATER THIS WEEK.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. - WHOSE BAG IS THIS?

THIS IS A HOT SET. WE GOTTA KEEP THIS WHOLE AREA CLEAR.

THAT'S... THAT'S MINE. I'M SORRY.

- JUST KEEP IT TO THE SIDE. - HEY, THIS LOOKS REALLY LEGIT.

I KNOW, I'M THE NEXT SPIKE JONZE.

- CAN I HAVE A SIP? - OH, OF COURSE.

- YOU GOT A LITTLE... IT BECOMES YOU. - A LITTLE SOMETHING?

- YEAH. - OH, WHOA, WHOA!

- NOT FUNNY. - I'M JUST JOKING.

I'LL BE THE ONE TO CALL YOUR AUNT WHEN I BREAK A LAMP.

OH, I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT PHONE CALL.

♪ OH, I'M READY, I'M READY ♪

♪ GOT TO MAKE SURE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY WANTS TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ GO STEADY, GO STEADY ♪

♪ YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY WHEN THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT ♪

♪ I FEEL SCARED TONIGHT ♪

♪ I'M VERY LONELY, I'M TIRED ♪

♪ WAITING ON YOU ♪

♪ I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS ♪

♪ SOMEBODY'S WATCHING, YOU KNOW THEM ♪

♪ COMING FOR YOU ♪

HELLO.

OUT OF BREATH ALREADY, MATE?

STAIRS ARE A HIKE.

IT'S A REALLY NICE PLACE YOU HAVE.

YEAH, IT'S MY OWN PRIVATE HAKKASAN.

EVERYONE DRINKS FREE.

SPEAKING OF, YOU WANT A DRINK?

UH, YEAH, SURE.

YOU GOT ROOMMATES?

YEAH, ONE.

HE'S CRASHING HERE WHILE HIS OWN PLACE GETS RENOVATED.

- DON'T WORRY, HE'S COOL. - THANKS.

SO, I TAKE IT YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN?

YOU TOOK IT CORRECTLY. AMERICAN?

NATIVE.

WELL, NOT NATIVE AMERICAN...

ALTHOUGH MY MOM SAYS SHE'S PART NATIVE AMERICAN CHEROKEE...

OR, I DON'T KNOW...

LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.

UH, DOOR OPEN, CLOSED?

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

I GOTTA SAY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY HOTTER IN PERSON.

SUCKS YOU DON'T LIVE HERE YEAR ROUND.

YEAH, WELL, I'M HERE OFTEN.

JUST KIND OF DEPENDS ON WORK.

OH, YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I AM A DIALECT COACH.

IN THE MIDDLE OF HELPING SHIA LABEOUF

PREPARE FOR HIS ROLE AS AN AUSSIE HYPOCHONDRIAC.

- WHAT IS THAT LIKE? - SAME AS AMERICAN HYPOCHONDRIAC.

NO, I MEAN, WORKING FOR SHIA.

I HEARD HE CAN BE KIND OF DIFFICULT.

HE'S A MACHINE. LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO ME.

- WHAT? WHOA. - YEAH.

WE WERE JUST ROUGHIN' IT A BIT.

A LITTLE PLAYFUL.

OKAY, YOU LIKE IT ROUGH.

WELL, I'D BE LYING IF I SAID

I WASN'T A LITTLE TURNED ON.

I THINK I WOULD BE, TOO.

OKAY, I CAN'T KEEP THIS UP.

I'M ACTUALLY FROM GLENDALE.

I OWN A YOGURTLAND IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

I'M KIDDING. THIS IS MY REAL VOICE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE FUNNY AND HOT,

AND YOU'RE NOT A PROSTITUTE OR A STRIPPER.

OKAY... ARE YOU REAL?

WELL, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.

I'M KIDDING, I'M AN AUSSIE.

WAIT, I NEED A HUG, I NEED A HUG.

YES, BRING IT IN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE TICKET.

OF COURSE, ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU ON THE 23RD?

YEAH, JUST NEED TO LOCK IT DOWN

- AND THEN WE'RE GOOD TO GO. - AMAZING.

- ALL RIGHT. - GET HOME SAFE.

- YOU BET. - LOVE YA.

LOVE YA.

HEY, SO THAT DOOR IS MY MOM'S DOOR.

COME IN THIS WAY. YOU LOOK GREAT, BY THE WAY.

- THANKS. - I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE DOOR,

I DON'T HAVE A MOM.

HELLO?

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

- I'M GOOD. - SWEET.

- I'M SURPRISED... - I WAS WONDERING...

UH, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THAT I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE UP THIS EARLY.

- IT'S ALMOST NOON. - TRUE, BUT YOU WERE OUT LATE, SO...

WELL, YOU AND I HAD A LOT TO DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE

SO I JUST TOOK IT PRETTY EASY.

HOW WAS THE CONCERT?

IT WAS GOOD, YEAH. WE LEFT A FEW SONGS EARLY

- JUST TO BEAT THE RUSH. - I SEE.

- HOW'S THE ROOMMATE? - WHAT?

YOUR ROOMMATE. WEREN'T YOU GUYS SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT LAST NIGHT?

OH, YEAH, UM, SHE BLEW ME OFF LAST SECOND.

OH, REALLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME.

I WAS HOME BEFORE MIDNIGHT. WE COULD HAVE HIT UP

THAT WEIRD BACKYARD CANTINA FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF KARAOKE.

WELL, I WAS, UM... I WAS WONDERING IF

YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT ON A SUPER ROMANTIC SECOND DATE TONIGHT.

- ABSOLUTELY NOT. - WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- YOU'RE SO WRONG! - HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT SO DEFINITIVELY?

YOU HAVE AN INVERTED TRACK PAD.

- DO NOT. - YES, INVERTED IS AN OPPOSITE,

UPSIDE DOWN.

NO, IF YOU PUT YOUR FINGERS ON A TRACK PAD, YOU PUSH UP.

LIKE, YOU'RE LITERALLY PUSHING THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE

IN AN UPWARD DIRECTION.

WHEN I SLIDE MY FINGERS UP IT MAKES SENSE

THAT THE PAGE WOULD MIRROR THE UPWARD MOTION.

- THAT'S LOGIC, YES! - NO, NO!

WHATEVER, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN SLIDE YOUR FINGERS

WHEREVER YOU WANT, I DON'T CARE.

CAN I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?

UM, IF YOU USE AN ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY.

MLA STYLE.

♪ SHAKE HANDS ALL AROUND ♪

♪ EVERYBODY WANTS TO FIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE THE PERFECT TARGET FOR THIS NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU MONSTERS STAYED AT HOME ♪

♪ YOUR NERVES SHOUT, YOU'RE ALONE ♪

♪ YOUR NERVES SHOUT, YOU'RE ALONE ♪

♪ IT GOES ON AND ON ♪

♪ SUCCESS HAS BOUGHT A GUN ♪

♪ PICK UP THE TELEPHONE ♪

♪ YOU'VE FOUND THE BEST EXCUSE ♪

♪ IT HAS THE PERFECT USE ♪

♪ SO YOU WAIT FOR THE SUN ♪

♪ TO COME DOWN ♪

♪ SO YOU CAN FEEL THE SATISFACTION ♪

♪ THE STRANGE REACTION YOU CAUSE ♪

♪ WITH ALL YOUR TEARS ♪

♪ SHAKE HANDS ALL AROUND ♪

♪ I'M SURE YOU FOUND ♪

♪ A PERFECT TARGET FOR THIS NIGHT ♪

♪ YOUR MONSTERS STAYED AT HOME ♪

♪ IT GOES ON AND ON ♪

♪ SUCCESS HAS BOUGHT A GUN ♪

♪ PICK UP THE TELEPHONE ♪

♪ YOU FIND THE BEST EXCUSE ♪

♪ IT HAS A PERFECT USE ♪

♪ SO YOU WAIT FOR THE SUN TO COME DOWN ♪

♪ SO YOU CAN FEEL... ♪

HI?

THAT'S THE FIRST NICE THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.

DO I KNOW YOU?

"THE WAY YOU GLORIFY INFIDELITY

IS WHY CONGRESS BANNED ADVERTISING CIGARETTES ON TV.

YOU ARE THE CANCER OF DATING ADVICE."

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOUR VOICE.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HATE, MAN?

HOW'D YOU EVEN FIND ME HERE?

YOU GEOTAG EVERY POST.

ARE YOU GONNA HURT ME?

YOU'RE COMING ON MY SHOW.

- WHY WOULD I DO THAT? - MM-MM, WHY NOT?

TOMORROW NIGHT. NUMBER'S ON THERE.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE A LOT TO SAY.

L.A. IS A MELTING POT OF BROKEN EGOS

DRIPPING WITH INSECURITY,

ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THE NEXT TRENDSETTER.

IT'S THE EPICENTER OF ENTERTAINMENT

SENDING AFTERSHOCKS OF CULTURE

THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD.

BUT IT'S THE VERY LACK OF AN IDENTITY

THAT GIVES IT SUCH A UNIQUE PERSONALITY.

IT TRULY IS A CITY WHERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,

AND SELF-DISCOVERY IS UNDENIABLY CELEBRATED.

AND OF COURSE, THE MEXICAN FOOD

IS DAMN NEAR PERFECT.

- IT'S A BIT DARK. - COME ON!

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THE REASON I HATE IT HERE IS THE SAME REASON

- I LOVE IT HERE. - NO, I UNDERSTAND.

YOU UNDERSTAND BUT YOU HATE IT. YOU HATE IT.

LOOK, I THINK YOU'RE A FANTASTIC WRITER.

YOU'RE ARTICULATE, YOU'RE FUNNY, YOU'RE ELOQUENT.

IT'S JUST... MOST PEOPLE WHO READ A TRAVEL BLOG

DON'T WANT TO HEAR A PHILOSOPHICAL ANALYSIS OF THE CULTURE.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NICHE.

THEY WANNA KNOW THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET TO THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN,

WHERE TO BUY CHEAP COCKTAILS.

HEY...

NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE IS A REALLY GOOD CHANCE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

- I'M TALKING ABOUT. - NO.

I ONLY READ TRAVEL BLOGS TO FIND THE NEAREST ALLEYWAY

TO GET A HAND JOB.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - NO, NOT SINCE GRINDR.

WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE GRINDR?

CRAIGSLIST.

OH, GROSS.

ARE PEOPLE IN SYDNEY MORE OPEN THAN THEY ARE IN THE STATES?

NO, DEFINITELY NOT MORE THAN L.A.

HM.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY BEFORE?

A TRAVEL WRITER WHO HASN'T LEFT THE COUNTRY?

YEAH, THE IRONY IS NOT LOST ON ME, BELIEVE ME.

- DUDE! - IT'S HARD WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY, YOU KNOW?

IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN ANSWER.

YEAH.

HEY, MAN.

- GREGORY. - HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

UH, YOU FREE SATURDAY?

UH, I THINK SO. WHY?

I'M THROWING A PARTY FOR STEF'S 30TH,

- YOU SHOULD COME. - YEAH, YEAH, OKAY,

- IF I'M NOT WORKING. - ALSO, SHOT IN THE DARK,

BUT DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYBODY WITH A BIG HOUSE AND A POOL?

- UH, WHY? - TO THROW THE SAID PARTY.

I CAN ASK AROUND, BUT NO GUARANTEES.

HAVE IT HERE.

I'M ALREADY HOSTING ONE ON SATURDAY.

WHO'S THAT?

SOMEONE JUST OFFERING THEIR HOUSE IN THE HILLS.

- BE POLITE. - WOW, SERIOUSLY?

- IS IT NICE? - UH, YEAH, IT'S PRETTY NICE.

- THERE'S ONLY ONE CATCH. - HERE.

- YELLO. - HELLO?

SO THE ONLY CATCH IS IT'S A CYNDI LAUPER-FEST.

SPECIFICALLY CYNDI LAUPER?

- I'LL ALLOW ANYTHING '80S. - DONE.

- THERE YOU, OKAY? - WHO WAS THAT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING?

I'M NOT UP TO ANYTHING, OKAY?

OH... YOU GUYS ARE HOOKING UP.

- NO, ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING. - GREGORY. GRE...

WE LOCKED THE HOUSE.

OH, MY GOD. DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET, LIKE, A DJ,

OR SHOULD I JUST PLAY, LIKE, MUSIC FROM MY IPOD?

WHAT KIND OF PARTY IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW, HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT CYNDI LAUPER.

NO, I MEAN IS IT MORE LIKE A LAID BACK

CHILLING WITH FRIENDS VIBE?

OR MORE OF A CRAZY, LOUD, DANCE PARTY THING?

I MEAN, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU CONSIDER LAID BACK.

WHERE I'M FROM IT'S FIVE DEGREES OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

TO ME, EVERYTHING OUT HERE IS LAID BACK.

YOU'RE NOT MUCH OF A PARTIER?

NO, IT'S NOT THAT, IT'S JUST, I'M NOT TOO KEEN

ON THE IDEA OF, LIKE, DRUNK FRAT GUYS

JUMPING INTO POOLS AND DOING LINES OF COCAINE, SO...

WELL, MOST PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE IN THEIR 30S.

I DOUBT IT'S GONNA BE SOME RAUCOUS ANIMAL HOUSE.

- YOU GO. - AS IN WITHOUT YOU? I CAN'T DO THAT.

I JUST... I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR TIME

AND IT'S REALLY NOT MY SCENE.

NO, NO, I'M NOT GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME IF YOU DON'T GO.

LOOK, WE'LL JUST STOP BY FOR, LIKE, A DRINK

AND THEN... WE'LL STEP INTO THE POOL.

I'LL EVEN HIRE A LIFEGUARD SO PEOPLE DON'T JUMP IN.

LOOK, IF IT WEREN'T STEF'S BIRTHDAY

THEN I WOULDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO.

I'D WANT TO STAY AT HOME WITH YOU

AND BAKE NÉSTLE TOLL HOUSE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES,

WATCH A MOVIE, AND CUDDLE UNDER A BLANKET.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST THAT I PROMISED HER

LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO THAT I WOULD DO THIS

AND I'VE ALREADY SPENT SO MUCH TIME INVITING EVERYBODY.

I CAN'T NOT GO, IT'D BE MAD AWKWARD AT THIS POINT.

SO YOU GUYS ARE, LIKE, REALLY CLOSE, HUH?

I MEAN, SHE'S THE ONLY FRIEND I HAVE THAT LIKES TO GO OUT.

WHERE DOES ALL THIS ENERGY COME FROM?

- THIS? THIS ENERGY? - YEAH...

- IS IT TOO MUCH? - SOMETIMES.

YOU SEE THIS NOSE?

SEE HOW IT'S NOT NORMAL?

- NO. - WELL, WHEN I WAS SIX,

I RAN FACE FIRST INTO A BRICK FIREPLACE

AFTER HAVING A PIXIE STICK.

I WAS A VERY HYPERACTIVE CHILD.

GOT IT.

I'M HAPPY HE FOUND SOMEONE.

ME TOO.

THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS EVERY DAY.

THEY'RE LIVING OUR FANTASY.

HE DESERVES IT.

I'M JUST HAPPY I HAVE YOU.

THAT REMINDS ME, ACTUALLY,

I DIDN'T GET YOUR FLIGHT ITINERARY,

SO I WAS WONDERING, I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE IT WENT TO SPAM, OR...

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU, THERE'S BEEN A MINOR CHANGE.

IN TIME?

MORE LIKE DAY?

ARE WE OKAY, SOPHIE?

I ONLY ASK, I MEAN, I'M NOT TRYING TO BE NEEDY OR ANYTHING,

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE A TENDENCY TO OVERTHINK THINGS

AND MAYBE THAT WAS A MOMENT THAT I OVERTHOUGHT,

AND I JUST... I DON'T WANT TO SCARE YOU OFF.

I REALLY...

WAIT...

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAVEY.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SAY IT SOONER, I JUST FROZE.

♪ I CAN WAIT, I CAN WAIT BUT PLEASE ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE MY TIME ♪

♪ DON'T THROW AWAY THE KEY ♪

♪ I LIKE IT HERE... ♪

UGH. YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? COME ON.

HELLO?

HI, YES, THE KEY IS IN THE MAILBOX.

THE ONLY MAILBOX.

THE BLACK MAILBOX ON THE FRONT PORCH.

YES, I CAN BE THERE IN 15 MINUTES.

EMMA, DO WE STILL HAVE THAT BOTTLE OF WINE,

THE REALLY OLD ONE THAT'S BASICALLY VINEGAR NOW?

UH, YES, AGAIN, I'M SO, SO SORRY.

I WILL GET THERE AS SOON AS I CAN, JUST HOLD TIGHT, OKAY?

OKAY, BYE.

YEAH, IT'S IN THE FRIDGE SOMEWHERE, WHY?

I'M HAVING COMPANY TONIGHT.

NOT THE INTERNET TROLL.

YEAH. EITHER HE CAN PLAY NICE,

AND HE GET DOWN ON THIS 2013 RED BORDEAUX

I BOUGHT FOR MY DATE WITH RON,

OR, IF HE'S A DICK,

THEN HE GETS THAT VINEGAR WINE SWILL.

THE CHOICE IS HIS.

WOW.

I LIKE THE SWEATER, BY THE WAY. VERY MR. ROGERS.

MY GIRLFRIEND GAVE IT TO ME.

CUTE. ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I AM HERE WITH @ABRAHAMROSEN,

A FOODIE AND INTERNET TROLL.

NOW, ABE, ON MY LAST POST, YOU COMMENTED, AND I QUOTE,

"YOUR FORAY INTO OPEN LOVE

IS AS DOOMED AS THE 'LOST' FINALE."

NOW, I'M AN ADULT, AND I CAN TAKE A JOKE,

EVEN SOME CRITICISM, BUT THIS IS JUST ONE OF SEVERAL,

SEVERAL ATTACKS ON ME.

YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?

I HAVE A PROBLEM?

I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE DO,

YOU'RE JUST VERY PUBLIC ABOUT IT.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

YOU CAN'T COMMIT.

INSTEAD OF WORKING ON THAT,

YOU CAME UP WITH A VERY EASY WAY TO JUSTIFY IT.

DUDE, I NEVER SAID POLY WAS FOR EVERYONE, OKAY?

THE SAME WAY THAT YOU CAN LOVE MORE THAN ONE BOOK,

OR ONE MOVIE, I CAN LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR SHOW RIGHT THERE.

YOU JUST COMPARED LOVE AND HUMAN CONNECTION

TO FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HUMAN CONNECTION?

YOU HIDE BEHIND YOUR COMPUTER.

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH AN AUDIENCE

AND YOU MAKE INFIDELITY SOUND LIKE A NATURAL, NORMAL THING.

GUESS WHAT, BUDDY? YOUR LAST COMMENT

GOT OVER 800 LIKES, SO LIKE IT OR NOT,

YOU ALSO HAVE AN AUDIENCE.

LOOK, INFIDELITY IS WRONG.

WE CAN BOTH AGREE ON THAT, RIGHT?

BUT CHEATING ON SOMEONE AND LOVING MULTIPLE PARTNERS

ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST NOT SPREADING YOUR LOVE THIN?

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN MEASURE LOVE?

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE FINALLY PENETRATING EACH OTHER.

SORRY! I'M SORRY. IT'S STILL LOCKED?

NO, I'VE BEEN VOLUNTARILY SITTING OUTSIDE FOR TWO HOURS.

OKAY, I APOLOGIZE. I'M GONNA GET A KEY MADE FOR YOU

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, OKAY?

- HELLO. - EMMA.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

HAVE YOU LEFT YET?

UH, NO, I ACTUALLY HAD A WORK EMERGENCY, SO...

OH, NO, UM, CAN I ASK YOU A FAVOR?

OKAY.

IF YOU CAN'T DO IT, NO WORRIES,

I'LL ASK SOMEBODY ELSE, NOT A BIG DEAL.

JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

- WHAT? - YEAH, THERE SHOULD BE SOME IN THE KITCHEN.

HELP YOURSELF.

- YOU GOT A... - UH, WE SHOULD HAVE ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL FIND IT. I'LL BRING IT TO YOUR ROOM.

- SORRY... - OH, I'M GONNA HAVE SOME GUESTS, ONE OR TWO,

- IF THAT'S OKAY. - THAT'S ACTUALLY 10 EXTRA DOLLARS

- FOR EXTRA GUESTS, SORRY. - OH, YEAH, SURE, SURE, SURE, YEAH,

LET'S SEE, UH...

- REALLY? REALLY? - YOU LOVE IT.

YEAH, YEAH, I LOVE IT.

HI, UH, SORRY, SORRY.

WHAT'S UP?

SO, APPARENTLY, THE PIÑATA THAT I ORDERED

HAS A MASSIVE CRACK IN IT

AND UPON FURTHER INVESTIGATION, ALL THE CANDY INSIDE

IS NUT-BASED, WHICH STEF IS DEFINITELY ALLERGIC TO

SO I ORDERED A LAST-MINUTE ONE FROM THE STORE.

I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO PICK IT UP.

- YEAH, I CAN DO THAT. - AND IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,

IT'S ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOUR HOUSE IN HOLLYWOOD

- SO HOPEFULLY... - YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW WHERE IT IS.

I'M ACTUALLY THERE RIGHT NOW, SO THAT WORKS.

YOU'RE AMAZING, THANK YOU.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

LIKEWISE, I'LL, UH, SEE YOU SOON.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CHEATED ON?

BY?

I ASSUME FROM YOUR UNINFORMED AVERSION TO POLYAMORY

THAT YOU'VE HAD A RUN IN WITH INFIDELITY?

IF IT'S A PODCAST, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY ANSWER INTO THE...

YEAH, YEAH...

I'M SORRY. SO WHAT MADE YOU COME HERE?

YOU MEAN BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU KIND OF STALKED ME?

THAT'S THE INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST IN ME,

AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH STALKERS OF MY OWN

THAT I KNOW HOW TO REVERSE ENGINEER THE WHOLE PROCESS.

DID I JUST MAKE YOU LAUGH?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I JUST MADE ABE ROSEN LAUGH!

LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE JUDGING ME BEFORE

BY THE INFORMATION THAT I CHOOSE TO PUT OUT THERE

TO MY LISTENERS, AND YOU WANTED TO...

DRIVE A SPEAR THROUGH MY SKULL.

BUT, NOW THAT WE'VE MET,

AM I REALLY THE ANTICHRIST THAT YOU ENVISIONED?

YOU WOULD MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU.

- BITCH, IT'S MY PODCAST. - FAIR ENOUGH.

LOOK, THIS IS ALL ABOUT A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN A CONFIDENT MAN

THAT KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.

I KNOW I DON'T WANT THIS SWEATER ANYMORE.

IT IS GROSS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ABE IS DISROBING?

- FEEL BETTER? - I DO.

HEY!

OH, COME ON, I'M LEAVING, I'M LEAVING RIGHT THIS SECOND, I SWEAR.

YOU'RE PARKED IN A LOADING ZONE.

WHAT, DO YOU WORK ALL OF SILVERLAKE OR SOMETHING?

WE HAVE A LOT OF OFFICERS ON DUTY.

LOOK, I WAS JUST GOING IN TO PICK SOMETHING UP, OKAY?

I'M GONNA LEAVE RIGHT THIS SECOND, I SWEAR.

COME ON. NOW IS JUST NOT JUST A GOOD TIME FOR ME.

I CAN BARELY AFFORD THE TICKET YOU GAVE ME LAST TIME...

OKAY, OKAY!

REALLY?

DO ME A FAVOR. PUT YOURSELF IN MY POSITION.

YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS JOB 20 YEARS.

PEOPLE ALWAYS CURSING IN YOUR FACE,

THREATENING THE SAFETY OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

DO YOU THINK THAT PRIMES YOUR MOOD TO GIVE OUT FAVORS?

NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

THEN HOPEFULLY NEXT TIME YOU WON'T THINK OF ME AND MY PEOPLE

AS SOME SORT OF ARCHETYPAL MONSTER.

I AM A WELL-SPOKEN MAN. I HAVE FEELINGS

AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.

YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR UNDERSTANDING, SERIOUSLY.

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN HERE SIX MINUTES

SO I HAVE TO GIVE YOU THIS TICKET.

WHAT? I WAS STANDING HERE TALKING TO YOU, YOU PSYCHO!

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?

NO WONDER PEOPLE THREATEN YOUR FAMILY.

I'M JOKING. I WAS DEMONSTRATING MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

OH... I'LL MOVE.

GOD, I HATE THAT LITTLE BITCH.

♪ TURN IT UP, SO EVERYBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ THAT I GOT THE GOOD THING ♪

♪ I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT GOES ♪

SERIOUSLY, I AM OFF OF ALKALINE WATER.

I HAD A BAD TRIP LAST TIME I DRANK IT.

HOW DO YOU REGULATE YOUR PH?

I'VE TOTALLY DONE WITHOUT CAFFEINE,

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF

MY GRASS-FED BUTTER COFFEE REGIMEN, OF COURSE.

- OF COURSE. - NATURALLY.

SOMETIMES, THEY ADD AN EXTRA SYLLABLE.

LIKE, INSTEAD OF "GIRL," THEY'D SAY "GETAL."

INSTEAD OF "PEARL," THEY SAY "PETAL."

"I GAVE THE GETAL A PETAL."

- WHAT ABOUT JAPANESE? - OOH, BRO, IT'S HARD TO DO AN ASIAN ACCENT

WITHOUT COMING OFF AS A RACIST.

YEAH, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT.

I MEAN, BRITISH, OKAY. ENGLISH, GREAT.

I COULD EVEN DO A YIDDISH RABBI.

JAPANESE, I'M A BIGOT.

THIS IS GREAT PARTY.

FULL OF LOTS OF STRAIGHT WHITE PEOPLE.

- OH, NO! NO... - I FEEL LIKE I JUST MISSED THE SHOW.

- HI. - PERFECT TIMING.

NO, HE'S MAKING AN ASS OUT OF HIMSELF.

EVERYBODY, THE BIRTHDAY GIRL HAS "ARRIVEN."

HEY! BIRTHDAY GIRL! WELCOME!

- THANK YOU! - TELL HER HOW YOUNG SHE LOOKS

AND FIND HER A CUTE GUY TO TALK TO.

DOES HE HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- I AM SO SORRY! - IT'S OKAY...

- YOU WANT ME TO... - NO, IT'S FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OKAY.

- GUESS WHO? - I HAVE NO IDEA.

DANG, YOU'RE DOING WORK IN THAT BODYSUIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU KNOW, JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE SALT MINES.

BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE,

I MIGHT HAVE TO CLOCK OUT.

HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED THIS IS AN '80S PARTY.

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

THAT'S... SOMETHING.

YEAH. HEY, HOW CRAZY IS THAT WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER HERE?

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?

TOTALLY LIKE SERENITY, YOU KNOW?

YOU WANNA DO A SHOT?

YEAH. YES, I DO.

ALL RIGHT, TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

WELL, HOPEFULLY SHE'S HERE SOON,

I CALLED HER LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

- GIVE ME A HINT. - ALL RIGHT,

IT'S SOMETHING YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO PUNCH

AND IT'S MEXICAN.

- GEORGE LOPEZ? - YES!

- UH, FLIP CUP. - FLIP CUP?

WHOA, YOU TAKE NO PRISONERS.

- HERE. - OKAY.

HEY. I HAVE SOME OF THAT BLUE SHIT IN MY BACKPACK IF...

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE CONDESCENDING,

BUT THAT BLUE SHIT IS ACTUALLY BLUE CURACAO,

WHICH IS NOT A LIQUOR, IT'S A LIQUEUR

WHICH IS DIFFERENT.

LIQUOR AND LIQUEUR ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

OKAY, WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,

IT DEFINITELY MAKES ME FEEL ADEQUATELY INTOXICATED.

YEAH, I LIKE YOU FOR SEEING IT THAT WAY.

COME ON, LET'S GO OUTSIDE.

COME ON, GIRL. COME ON,

MAKE ME PROUD. COME ON, GIRL.

- OH! - OH! WHAT!

OH, MY GOD!

I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST GONNA START GOING UP TO RANDOS AND JUST LIKE...

EMMA! HEY! HEY.

OH, MY GOD, ADAM.

UM, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN HERE?

OH, WERE YOU REALLY?

YEAH, RECEPTION'S TERRIBLE THOUGH.

UM, DID YOU GET THE PIÑATA?

YEAH, IT'S OVER THERE BLEEDING TWIZZLERS ON THE FLOOR.

WHAT?

YEAH, I SAW IT. ONE OF MY CLIENTS KIND OF KARATE-CHOPPED IT

WITH HIS KNEE.

OH. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

PSH, YEAH, SO GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST OUT RUNNING ERRANDS FOR YOU

AND IT'S NICE THAT WHEN I WALK IN,

I SEE THE TWO OF YOU JUST LAUGHING YOUR ASSES OFF

- HAVING A GREAT TIME. - "THE TWO OF" WHO?

I HARDLY KNOW ANYBODY HERE.

OH, COME ON ADAM. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE UNTIL JUST NOW.

AND I WOULD HAVE HELPED WITH THE PIÑATA,

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

I WAS OUT GETTING THE PERFECT PIÑATA

FOR YOUR LITTLE FRIEND WHO YOU JUST HAD TO THROW

THIS HUGE PARTY FOR

AND YOU JUST HAD TO TELL ME TO COME

EVEN THOUGH I TOLD POINT-BLANK THAT I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE.

ALL RIGHT, EMMA...

NO! WOULD YOU JUST SCREW HER ALREADY AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM?

OKAY, 'CAUSE I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES THAT YOU WANT HER, OKAY?

AND I CAN'T STAND DATING YOU AND, LIKE, LIVING WITH THIS SEED OF FEAR

WONDERING WHEN IS IT GONNA HAPPEN? WHEN IS IT GONNA...

HEY, IS MY SURPRISE HERE YET?

CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION?

BOTH OF YOU, PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND.

TELL YOUR FRIEND TO TAKE A XANAX.

OH!

- OW! - HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

♪ YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL, YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL ♪

AH, SHE'S AN ABSOLUTE PSYCHO.

EVEN AT THE FILM SHOOT I GOT BAD VIBES.

RIGHT WHEN I HANDED YOU THE LAMP,

SHE GOT ALL COLD AND DEFENSIVE.

I DIDN'T PICK UP ON ANY OF THAT.

HERE, HOLD THIS TO YOUR NOSE.

IT'S A BEER AND AN ICE PACK IN ONE.

DRINK THE BEER, HOLD IT TO YOUR NOSE.

BEER, NOSE, BEER, NOSE.

BEER, NOSE.

ARE YOU CALLING HER?

- SHOULD I NOT CALL? - ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR HEAD BACK. - I AM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IF IT FEELS ALL CROOKED,

YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF A REALLY GOOD RHINOPLASTER.

I'M NOT GONNA NEED A NOSE JOB.

HONESTLY, IT DOESN'T EVEN HURT THAT BAD.

I'M JUST BEING KIND OF DRAMATIC.

HEY, THIS IS ADAM HART. SO SORRY I MISSED YOU.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

THANKS.

WAKEY, WAKEY.

- JESUS CHRIST. - GOT YOU SOME BREKKIE, MATE.

MAN, COME ON.

I HAVE SOME FRUIT, SOME COFFEE,

AND A QUARTER OF A CHOCOLATE DONUT.

I WANNA GO BACK TO SLEEP.

BUT IT'S MY LAST DAY.

WHAT?

YEAH, I GOT A JOB ON A SHOW IN BRITAIN,

JUST FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

OKAY.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT WAS A DRUNKEN DECISION, BUT I USED A PORTION

OF MY SKY MILES AND I BOUGHT YOU A TICKET TO COME WITH ME.

- WHAT? - YOU'VE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY, MATE.

I CAN'T HAVE THAT.

AND, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO USE THEM,

I'LL JUST PAWN THEM.

GAY!

GAY!

YOU WANT MY ROBE ON OR OFF?

UM... WHATEVER'S MORE COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.

I JUST DON'T WANT MY TITS HANGING OUT.

I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.

- HEY, MAN. - HEY.

SOPHIE AND I ARE DOING AN ESCAPE ROOM TODAY,

YOU INTERESTED?

- EH... - IT'LL BE REALLY FUN.

THEY LOCK YOU IN A SMALL ROOM

AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL YOU SOLVE THE PUZZLES.

- I'M OKAY. - YOU SURE?

I'LL GET YOU AN ICE CREAM CONE.

- THAT'S VERY SWEET. - GOOD ONE.

HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T SIT THERE TOO LONG.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY. JUST GET UP, DO SOMETHING.

- NO, I WILL. - YEAH?

- OH, I'M SO SORRY. - I'M SORRY.

SORRY.

THAT'S WHY YOU SUCK AT LOVE.

NAH, I'M KIDDING, IT WAS ME.

DID YOU THINK IT WAS THE DOG?

OH, MAN, THANK GOD YOUR LOVE LIFE SUCKS.

OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE,

BOOSTING MY VIEWERSHIP AND PERPETUATING

MY DEPENDENCY ON YOUR APPROVAL

IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN SOME SEMBLANCE OF AN EGO.

I NEED THIS.

I AM GONNA TELL YOU WHY YOU SUCK AT LOVE.

AFTER ALL, I'M AN EXPERT.

FIRST OF ALL, STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW HARD DATING IS

FOR YOUR GENERATION. IT'S HARD FOR EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE NEGATIVE THING TO SAY ABOUT MILLENNIALS,

THEN GO BITCH ABOUT IT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION

SO EVERY OTHER PRIVILEGED ASSHOLE CAN GET

THE SAME SATISFACTION THAT I'M GETTING RIGHT NOW.

EVERY TIME YOU CRASH AND BURN,

IT PUTS YOU ONE STEP CLOSER TO CONVINCING YOURSELF

THAT THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD,

NOT A PROBLEM WITH YOU.

OOH, I JUST WENT SLAM POETRY ON YOU.

NORMALLY I WEAR A BERET WHEN I DROP TRUTH BOMBS LIKE THAT,

BUT IT'S IN THE WASH.

HELLO?

"OH, THERE'S TOO MANY OPTIONS.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND SOMEONE

WHEN STATISTICALLY THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEONE

BETTER FOR ME OUT THERE?

TINDER'S SO SUPERFICIAL. IT'S ALL BASED OFF OF LOOKS."

OH, YOU'RE NOT A FAN OF OPTIONS?

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO IDAHO, WHERE THE POPULATION

IS HALF AS DENSE AND A FOUR IS A TEN?

WELL, THEN TURN THE WATER OFF.

OKAY, I'LL BE THERE IN TEN.

DATING HAS ALWAYS BEEN HARD,

EXCEPT NOW WE LIVE IN A TIME

WHERE THERE'S ALL THESE FANCY, NEW-FANGLED GADGETS

THAT MAKE FINDING THE PERFECT MATE

EASIER THAN BREATHING.

COMMUNICATION IS KING.

OR SHOULD I SAY COMMUNICATION IS A NON-GENDER SPECIFIC,

NON-BINARY... I DON'T KNOW THE FULL TERMINOLOGY.

JUST KNOW THAT I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, IT'S TOUGH FOR YOU

TO TAKE THE INFORMATION THAT'S IN HERE,

AND TURKEY BASTE IT INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S BRAIN.

NOWADAYS IT'S SO EASY TO GHOST PEOPLE

AND AVOID CONFRONTATION ALTOGETHER.

BUT MY ADVICE TO YOU WOULD BE TO JUST STOP HIDING

AND GO OUT AND HAVE A CONVERSATION.

WE ALL WANT THE SAME THING, LOVE, CONNECTION.

AND A LESSON ABOUT LIFE THAT DOESN'T SOUND SO PREACHY.

SO HEAR ME WHEN I SAY THIS:

DATING IS MEANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

SO BE THAT HAPPY PERSON FOR SOMEBODY ELSE

AND I PROMISE, YOU'LL STOP SUCKING AT LOVE.

BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER,

AND, UM...

MAYBE WE CAN DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW ♪

♪ WHEN I LOST TRACK OF TIME ♪

♪ OF TIME ♪

♪ THE LONGEST SUMMER FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES ♪

♪ MY EYES ♪

♪ OPEN THE DOOR, KNEES ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ FACING THE GROUND ♪

♪ PLEASURE'S A TOY, IT'S HARD TO DESTROY ♪

♪ IT WON'T MAKE A SOUND ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK, PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, IT WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK, PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, I WON'T STOP ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW ♪

♪ I BECAME A SPY ♪

♪ A SPY ♪

♪ STARING AT THE GUTTER AND NOT THE SKY ♪

♪ THE SKY ♪

♪ OPEN THE DOOR, KNEES ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ FACING THE GROUND ♪

♪ PLEASURE'S A TOY, IT'S HARD TO DESTROY ♪

♪ IT WON'T MAKE A SOUND ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK, PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, IT WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK, PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, I WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK, PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, IT WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK, PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, I WON'T STOP ♪