Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

The bartender takes out the bar dictionary

and he says, "Panda, um, eats shoots and leaves."

This is it. It's right here.

Right here?

Eats, shoots, and...

Oh, I get it.

Eats, shoots, and leaves.

That's a really bad joke.

He did say it was going to be bad.

It's surprising...

- This is nice. - ...That you told

that bad of a joke.

Will you pop the trunk?

- Yes. - Thank you.

- I can. - Thanks for driving.

- This fucking fiddle. - This fiddle.

And to think, like, what if there was

this whole other way to come here?

And your dad had constantly just been taking you this way.

I can take that, hon.

- Thanks. - Without...

I wouldn't want to know about it.

I like how we got here.

If I, like, went to you

and told you your mom had been driving

in an incorrect way this entire time.

I feel like I have been told a better way to live my life

- to be perfectly honest. - No. That's not a better way.

That's just you telling me that that my dad is wrong.

It's like how you remember your friend's phone numbers

from when you were growing up.

I guess it sucks that...

You just keep it under a rock right in front of the door?

Yeah. Yeah, what if we want to come here?

- A labeled rock? - Yes.

- This is great. - I know, right?

Yeah, this is so nice that your dad let us stay here.

Yeah, he doesn't know.

- He doesn't know. - Oh.

Lucky for us.

Is he... is he really into tiki?

- Sort of. - Woo!

My god.

Be sure to wipe your feet, dude.

I can take my shoes off.

- Uh, I mean... - No, you're fine.

Just go inside.

Ahh.

- So clean. - What do you think?

- It's nice. - It's nice. Right?

It's nice. It's a little... it's weird.

It's weird, right?

But I don't know.

The tiki stuff is fun.

That's, like, a fun thing.

It's good.

Wow.

Stop it.

I can't believe he's selling this house.

I know. It's so weird.

And he's being weird about it, too.

Hey hon, are we just in the regular bedroom?

- Yeah, down the hall. - Okay.

- Yeah, he is. - He's being weird.

Yeah, he was being weird about it on the phone.

Don't talk about him like that.

It sounds like gossip.

It's not gossip.

- It is. - He's dad.

I know.

He wasn't weird to you? You haven't...

I feel like I can tell when he's lying.

No. I'm sure he's fine.

What would he be lying about?

I mean, maybe, you know.

- Yes? - Where should we put our...

Right around there.

- We're in the red room. - You're in the red room.

- The red room. - Do you want to grab your...

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

I got it. I have baggage.

- Oh, sorry. - Beep beep.

- Thanks. - Jesus, guys.

Do you think maybe, like,

his new girlfriend found out that it's the honey house?

Oooh, the honey house.

I'm sorry, did you just say honey house?

Yeah.

What's a honey house?

It's, like, where you go to have sex with your honeys.

- Yeah. - Like your affairs.

- A honey house. - Yeah.

It's, like, your... yeah.

It's where you take people to fuck your affair.

You go here, we have our regular house,

I come over here, I got you,

we have sex in our honey house.

- That is gross. - I'll say,

if somebody told me they were taking me to the honey house,

I would be like, "I am getting out of this car

and turning right around."

But we did always know when he was going.

Whenever he, like, started to do, like, renovations.

Meeting the contractor at the house.

- Uh-huh. Code. - Code.

- Oh, it wasn't the contractor. - It means the honey.

- It was not a contractor. - No, nothing ever changed

in the house.

It's just like, "Dad, we know."

That was the weirdest part.

Right, it'd be obv...

yeah, it would be obvious.

I was very small as a 13-year-old.

They'd be like, "Hey, give me...

give me a Roy Rogers or a Shirley Temple."

You got it.

Nailed it.

Can I touch this?

Yeah, you want me to show you how to do it?

Yeah.

I can't even see anything.

Well, it's not on.

There's 50.

There's four.

Then you go to here, this guy, and you put him at four.

And then her is at 50.

Why is that a her and that's a him?

Because he's temperamental and she works all the time.

- You know what I mean? - Oh, I get it.

- Yeah. - And you set this at 50.

And then you can shoot your sister

and her really awesome boyfriend.

- He is awesome, isn't he? - I like him.

- He's a good one. - Just leave them, okay?

Help me over here.

I need your help over here.

Okay. Brownies, Candles.

Do you think she's going to be okay that we got her...

- Is there frosting in there? - Do you think

she's gonna be okay that we got her brownies

and not a cake for her birthday?

- Yes. - Is this the frosting?

Yes, that's the frosting.

This looks like a construction tool.

- It does look like caulk. - Like glue.

- You know. - I already took one of Ali.

No, take one of me, take one of me.

But I have... okay.

But go down... go over there.

Okay, okay, okay.

I haven't...

Welcome to Hawaii.

Bienvenidos a Hawaii.

- Oh, wait. - Aloha.

I forgot all the things you taught me.

- What are you doing? - I gotta have a little bit.

What are you doing?

What do you mean what am I doing?

I want to make sure it's good.

- No. - This is so gross.

Hold up, hold up. Look at that.

Ew, ew! Stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Ew. - Look at that.

- Why are you doing that? - What does that look like?

I really can't stand you right now.

You're of no help to me.

- Try this one. - No.

Try this.

I don't even... that was good.

See?

- I'm getting rained on. - Oh.

I'm mad. I'm mad that it's raining.

It's fine.

Is it?

I don't know. I'm having a good time.

We don't... what are we going to do, go to the beach?

That's what I thought we were going to do.

Yeah, right, but we can spend more time indoors.

- Yeah? - Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. I hope. I hope that's okay.

I feel like that was not the purpose of this whole thing.

Oh, I thought...

I thought the purpose was spending time...

- Spending time where? - Inside...

You know what I love about this house?

What?

I love the pictures of you as a kid everywhere.

- Oh yeah? - Because I'm like...

That's your favorite part?

Look at this little five-year-old

who I'm going to be having sex with in 25 years.

Ew, stop.

Do you think that...

Do you think your dad...

Do you think it's weird that your dad

has pictures of you and your sister

all over his honey house?

- No! - I don't like that word.

- I don't like that word either. - Honey house.

Is that your sister's come up with?

Uh, no.

It was a group effort.

I think it would be, you know,

it would be weirder if you tried to hide it.

Like in that, like, traditional way.

No, it wouldn't be weird if you tried to hide it.

That's what men do when they have affairs.

No, not my dad.

My dad is like, I don't know,

it's, like, weird, and hard to explain,

but I just think he likes to sit

next to his contradictions and get cozy.

Like your sister is?

Mm-hm.

I'm really sorry.

Do you think she's okay?

I don't know.

It makes me feel weird, I'm not gonna lie.

- Yeah. - I know Zach.

I know. We all do.

Except for String.

You know I feel bad for him.

- Him? - String.

String.

You're being mean.

I like it, but you're being mean.

You know what?

You know what, really, just like...

She sucked in the little.

She sucked in the little baby.

He is such a little baby boy.

Look at him with his little cute little sweater.

Ali's the life of the party.

Art is like everybody's dad at the party.

But that's what everybody wants.

No, what?

Have you ever been to a party?

No. You know.

Yeah, I go to parties and stuff,

but, you know, you want that guy that's like welcoming,

"Hey, welcome to the party, have a beer."

That's kind of what Art is.

I'm that guy that gets, like, trapped in the kitchen.

You know what I mean, where everyone's, like,

coming in to get the drink

and I'm, like, behind the fridge,

and they're, like, opening the fridge.

I keep, like, having to adjust.

- It's all right. - You know what really,

really burns me about it,

is that everyone in my family just thinks that she can...

she thinks or they think that she can do no wrong

and I'm just, like, this, like, screw-up

because I don't, like, remember people's birthdays.

Well, you don't remember my birthday.

That is kind of a screw-up.

- I guess I... - Hey hon, hey hon, right now.

My birthday.

July 7th.

- Boom. - Yes.

Two days off.

- Oh. - Hi.

Hi. They're looking at us.

God, he's such a nerd.

Anyway.

I just, like,

I guess I don't send out save-the-dates

and then have affairs, so she's just the ideal.

- You ever talk to her about it? - No. She'd never talk to me

- about it. - We are literally littering

- this kitchen floor. - We're a mess.

Did someone cheat on her?

- Yeah. - Zach?

No. The guy before Zach.

- Oh. - Uh-huh.

- We hate him, right? - Yeah.

- We hate that guy. - He was horrible.

Ooh.

She texted us.

Oh my god.

You know what she said?

- Sure. - I'll be there for dinner.

Should I wear anything?

- Should I say nothing? - No, that's creepy.

Should I say something sexy?

- That's creepier. - Why?

Just tell her to wear whatever she wants.

She's asking me what, like, we should play.

- We should play along. - No, no.

She's like, "Is this a formal event?"

- Oh. - Or, "Is there a pool?

Should I make sure to wear a swimsuit?"

I would imagine is what she's asking.

- Or, like, a dress. - A tie.

She would wear a dress. She can wear a tie.

- I don't know what she's doing. - She can wear a tie. It's true.

Thank you for doing this, by the way.

You don't have to say thank you.

No, I do, because it's more my idea than it is yours.

You know, I'm just surprised

that you weren't, like,

having threesomes every weekend in college.

Stop. See, this is what I'm talking about.

You weren't like, "Oooh."

This is what I'm talking about.

Everyone thinks I'm, like, wild and crazy

and this is my first threesome

and I want it to be with you, jerk.

Hey. That's very sweet.

Mm-hm.

Do you think she's hot?

Do you?

I think... I think she is...

- Hot. - What do you think?

I think she's hot.

Okay. I think she's hot, too.

I'm gonna have a beer.

- Oh. - Do you want a beer?

- Yes. - No.

- She'll make fun of you, dude. - We're on vacation, dude.

I'm not, like, a beer guy anyway.

Hon, could you grab me a beer, though?

Yeah, I already have one.

No, I mean, it's 11 a.m.

- Art? - Yeah?

The water is off.

The water is out.

- This... - What?

- Claire? - Yeah, what?

Oh, no, no. There's, like, a valve outside.

I bet he just turned it off.

Oh. Do you want me to go?

- Hop to it. - All right.

You got it.

- Drinking? - Let's go find this valve.

Yeah, why not?

Because it's 11:00 a.m.?

This whole thing is so weird.

God, it's fine.

Art's, like, low-key panicking right now.

You can tell.

Why does Art care?

Because we know Zach.

We know Zach, we've, like, hung out here with Zach before.

Don't talk about Zach right now.

Okay, when you started sleeping with String,

I didn't say anything about his, like, dopey sweaters

or, like, the weird pauses

that he takes when he talks.

I like the pauses.

Ali, oh my god, I didn't say you have to like him.

I didn't say anything. I know.

I didn't say anything, because I was like, do you.

If you need to, like, cheat on your fiancé,

you can do that.

But now you're asking me and Art to do it with you.

No, I'm not. You don't have to tell Zach.

You don't have to do anything.

We're not doing it out in the living room.

We're not, like, forcing it on you.

So how long have you and Ali been going out?

It's coming up on, like, three years now I think.

And are you and Claire close?

Like, do you guys hang out a lot?

Yeah.

Ali, Claire, Zach... uh...

Art's already nervous.

Why?

Because I...

- You did? - Yeah.

- You're going to do it here? - Yeah.

How do you feel?

Kind of great?

- And nervous. - Good. Feel good.

If you're going to do it, you should feel good.

- I know. - With who?

This girl Jasmine.

It's a her.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

- We went with a girl. - Jasmine. Okay.

All right. How did you find her?

On this app.

Smells like rain.

Yeah. I know.

Dude, is it cool if we...

Anytime.

Might have rained last night.

Where is this valve?

Can you try the water now?

Yeah.

I turned something.

It's working.

Yeah, it's working.

- Yay. - Yeah, we're talking, Art.

Thinking about the orange.

- Mm-mm. - Oh.

They're going to notice that we're in here

with the door being closed.

Oh. That's so weird. I really don't care.

I mean, I do.

I think it might be a little awkward that...

Mm.

- But... - I don't care.

Um, okay.

This shirt's stupid.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.

There's another one.

Take it off. Take it off.

Okay, okay.

All right.

I just... I want to take...

can we just really just talk real quick

just for, like, two seconds?

Can we just talk for two seconds?

- This is like... - Yeah.

I'm in. I'm in.

- I'm ready to go. - Okay.

But I just need two seconds.

I'm in my head right now.

I'm already shirtless.

Like, I just need...

Talk!

So, um, I feel like an asshole,

because I really like your sister

and Art seems great.

I think he might low-key hate me,

- but I think that... - He doesn't hate you.

I know, but I just... I think that I don't like

having them being stuck lying for us.

That's why I feel, like, a little bit weird

- about being here. - No, hey, hey.

- I feel weird being here. - Hey, listen.

They're not lying.

They're not lying to anyone.

They knew what they were getting into.

- They knew? - They knew.

- They knew? - They're not saying anything.

They're not going to say anything.

No. We came here so we don't have to sneak around, you know?

- Mm-hm. - Okay.

I'm good.

You're going to be really good.

- You wanna know why? - Why?

- What happened? - Look.

What are you doing?

- Look what I brought? - Sexy underwear.

Sexy underwear.

You don't think it's sexy?

Does it count, like, if you're just holding it up?

Like, how sexy is that?

It's like...

Just close your eyes and imagine it, okay?

I didn't want to wear it in the car.

- Wear it in the car. It's fine. - For two hours. You know?

It was a long car ride.

It's uncomfortable.

You're just going to have to deal with what I've got on now.

- Okay. - It's just nude.

- Beige. - I can make this work.

Take a look.

Yeah.

- What? - Nothing.

- What...? - Nothing.

- Okay. - Oh.

Can we just talk... ah, fuck.

Can we talk about our future for, like, two seconds?

Just don't get mad.

I just want to... I'm still not...

- I can't... I... - Look.

- I like you. Okay? - Mm-hm.

I like you and I...

I, um, uh...

I feel, I don't know,

I feel like a little...

I feel like a little bit like

...this is stupid.

I feel like a thing.

Or an object.

Like this doesn't matter that much to you.

No.

You're not a thing.

I just have this, like, feeling that I'm just,

you know, that it's like I've been brought,

I'm here, we're sneaking around, we're in this room,

- and it's just, like, it's... - Hey, look at me, look at me.

You're not a thing.

- You're not an object. - Okay.

There's no easy solution to all of this, you know?

I can think of one.

Just talk to Zach.

No. That's... that's not easy.

That's, like...

That's just, like, fast and brutal and not...

You like me and I like you.

And you don't need this guy.

- I just... - Right, but why isn't...

but then we don't have... then it's not complicated.

Then it's just two people that like each other

and then there's nothing else.

I can't... I can't...

I can't do anything if it...

I can't do anything until I know what I want.

You know? I don't...

Yeah.

I don't know.

And it might not be me.

Yeah.

If we stop doing this, do we just end up being friends?

Oh, man. That's makes me feel old.

I don't...

I don't need any friends.

You know?

That's not what I want from this.

I...

I shouldn't have been presumptuous.

- I mean, I... - No, no, no. It's fine.

I shouldn't have said just talk to Zach.

- This is stupid. - No.

I know what we're... I know.

- I'm sorry. Okay? - Yeah. I...

- Hey. - I'm on.

It's good.

I'm glad we talked.

Thanks.

Don't thank me.

Thanks.

What if, just for this weekend,

we're just, we're here.

We're here and now.

We don't think about it, you know?

- Like right now. - Mm-hm.

Right now...

Let's just fuck really loud, you know?

Make Ali and Art really uncomfortable.

No, I don't...

Let's go back.

- No. - Can we do it at all?

Let's go back two and a half panic attacks ago.

- Only two? - Let's pretend, like,

we just landed here,

take off this shirt, I'm good.

- You're good? - I'm good.

You ready to see this nude bra?

- Right. - Get ready.

How do you feel about children?

- Oh my god. - I'm just kidding.

Yeah, they definitely heard that.

Mm-hm.

Sorry.

No.

I was the one yelling.

How is it being back here?

It's really weird.

- Really? - Yeah.

I just can't believe...

I'm sorry.

No. It's not bad weird.

Okay.

I'm glad you're here.

Can't imagine why it would be weird, you know.

Same bed where your dad was boinking all those contractors.

No, that's Ali and Art's bed.

This is the guest room.

It's where all the kids would sleep.

That's so...

Your stomach is so loud.

I know.

We need to get you some food.

Yeah.

You would imagine that the honey house

would have some more snacks.

I honestly almost died inside

when you guys were talking about it.

Like, "Is she fucking kidding me?"

I'm sorry.

What's a honey house?

That's where you bring your affairs.

Art doesn't understand.

Have you talked to dad recently?

No, we're fighting.

For how long?

Two weeks.

What are you fighting about?

Tim's after me to go to law school.

Trying to convince me to get my life together,

- I guess. - God, I can't deal.

Yeah, anytime I hit any kind of, like,

problem or snag, he just says that thing, like,

"Ali, you're the smartest person,

- you can do whatever." - "You can do anything!"

And he says it in this fucking way.

I know. I know.

He's like, "You can do anything, you're the best."

And what you need to hear is, like,

"Actually, you're a human and humans make mistakes

and they fuck up and it's totally cool."

Oh my god. Can you imagine?

- Dad saying that? - If he said those things?

That's what losers say.

Yeah, that's what rednecks say.

That's why their lives are so fucked up.

- Dad always says that. - Oh my god.

I'm just, like, turning into him.

I don't even mind it.

Well, I'm straight up mimicking him on this, so...

Oh my god.

Mm-hm.

Wow.

I feel old.

I feel old and judgmental.

Of me?

Yeah.

I'm worried about you, I guess.

And I just feel old in my mind, my body.

Ali, you're three years younger than me.

You realize that, right?

It's my birthday, today.

I'm, like, literally aging today.

Caught you.

- Wow. - Hello, you.

Hello.

Don't! What are you doing?

- String. - That wasn't good?

No.

Can you guys, um, can you guys pose together?

Yeah, take a picture of us.

This looks really nice.

The sun is really good right now.

Nice.

The rest just do candid now.

He didn't like when we...

- He doesn't like our picture. - ...pose for you?

Your camera is, like, a hundred years old.

Yeah, it's, like, 45 years old,

but it's pretty cool.

You know what? Jas should be here soon.

I'm going to go find Art.

- Oh. - Okay.

Bye.

"Jas." That's the orgy girl.

Hi.

- This is, um... - No, no, no, no, no.

- We don't need to talk. - What?

Don't ruin it.

You don't need to say anything.

Yeah. It's good.

This is really amazing and I value all of our time together.

Oh my god. No.

And the sunset makes me believe in a good God.

Stop talking.

And all the children that we're gonna have

are in the shape of the clouds.

What the fuck are you saying?

I've been staring at the clouds for the past two minutes.

Can I point it out?

Which one of the children are my favorites?

Which are your favorites?

Who drives a silver truck?

Zach does.

Zach's here.

What?

Yep.

String, who's there?

Oh my goodness.

- Hi. - Hi. Happy birthday.

Oh my god.

Oh, Jesus.

- What are you... hi! - This podunk airport.

Everything was, like, canceled and flooded and...

- Hi. - It was, like, a complete mess.

The whole conference was canceled.

- Oh my god. - It's been ridiculous.

- Hi, hi, hi. - Hi.

Muah.

Oh my god. You guys.

- This has been a total mess. - What a surprise.

What an unlikely situation.

Oh, hey, you know me, you know?

Party guy is here.

It's crazy.

- Totally. - Oh my god.

How is Arty? Where is Arty?

Oh, he's cooking. You know him.

Oh, is he? Oh, hey, hey.

Hey.

What's up, man?

Hey, I'm Zach.

Yeah, I've heard a lot about you.

Um, String.

- Hey, bud. How you doing? - Hey man.

- Thought you were in Carolina. - Good to see you, pal.

- Good to see you, pal. - Yeah.

- Just cooking up a storm? - Yeah.

Just washing some dishes.

Oh, fuck. Sorry. It's so wet.

What a day to rain. It's crazy.

My flight got canceled.

It was just, like...

So.

Two gals.

Two guys.

It's like a double date in here, am I right?

- Oh my god. No. - No.

- Huh. - It was just, like,

- a co-worker thing. - Guys, I'm exhausted.

- I'm... - I'm sure.

I'm just going to drop my stuff in our room, babe,

and then take a shower if that's all right.

I was, um...

How's the room looking there, String?

My stuff is in there.

Okay.

Okay. Go get it.

What is all this?

Oh. Um.

I changed in here earlier.

And then I told... oh, that's String's stuff.

I told him he could change while we were...

and everybody was using rooms.

- Uh, my, um... - What's going on?

Do you mind if we keep your stuff at the...

I don't have to...

The room is full of sex.

They have a sex room in there and he just walked into it.

I'll put my stuff in the living room.

- Thanks. - Yeah. Sorry.

No biggie.

Hey Zach, buddy, want a Tecate?

Yeah, I'll take one. Just give me a second.

No, don't... Art.

- Heads up. - Don't throw it, Art.

- Heads up. - He's not... Art.

There you go, buddy.

- Jesus. - What's, uh...

You don't have to have that.

He's being insane right now.

I've got to ask.

I mean, if you ask once, it's not jealous.

I didn't say I was jealous.

Good, because I'm not jealous.

I know. I know. I know. I know.

I would feel weird, too, if I were you.

I get it, but you're not jealous,

and I really love that about you.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Jealousy is, like, for small people

who don't have any control of their feelings.

It's, like, people who want to be cheated on.

And I'm not that.

I know. I know.

Hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, is Ali there?

Sorry.

String.

- Hi. - Hi.

But why is he here?

What is his vibe?

What is that about?

He has this weird... okay.

I can't connect with that guy.

I know what you mean. I know. I work with him.

Our companies... our companies

do work together, whatever.

Ali wanted a fourth for some board game

- she wants us to play. - Oh no, no, no.

- I know. - No.

- I'm not playing board games. - I know.

If you don't want to play board games,

you probably should just get on out of here and go home.

Yeah.

I will literally go do anything else.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, is Ali here?

Hi. Yes.

- Hi. - Hey, hey.

Hi.

I'm sorry, I don't...

Hi.

How are you?

- It's so nice to meet you. - I'm really good.

Thank you so much for coming.

- Yeah. - Hey, I'm Art.

- Art. Jas. - Nice to meet you. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

- Hi, I'm Jas. - I'm String.

String. Nice to meet you.

We met already, then.

Yeah.

Anyway.

- Come on in. - We can go inside. Yeah.

Yeah, let's go inside.

Yeah, so this is the house.

He was into it, I guess.

He's a board games person.

- Wow. - He'll probably be

your best friend, then.

Yeah. Hey, maybe. You never know.

Sometimes it's people that at first,

you know, man to man,

there's something about them you can't tell.

Then once you figure that out,

you actually become good buddies.

Growing up, some of my best friends,

we started out as fist fights.

Yeah, we're just playing scrabble.

Wow, this is a really cool house.

Oh, thanks.

It's my dad's.

It's my dad's house.

This is some cool decorating.

Is he, like, an antiques guy?

He really likes to collect, yes.

To collect items and then when he got this house,

it was just like the place that he would bring

all of the cool stuff.

Cool, cool, cool.

I think Ali's friend is here.

Her friend Jasmine.

- Oh, really? - And, um, we both know her

and we're, like, trying to set her up with String.

Because he's just, like, had a really bad breakup.

- So... - Mm, maybe that's it.

Don't, like, make it awkward, but...

No, I won't, but that's helpful.

I mean, that...

Is it?

Like, that makes sense.

Because he has this weird vibe.

And it's, like, oh, that's the kind of...

whoa, that's the kind of guy he is.

- Yeah. - You know?

How is your day going?

Good. It's good.

I mean, it's not...

No, it's good.

- Yeah? - It's good.

I feel, like, there's some other stuff going on here.

- There is. - Yeah.

It's fine, it's fine.

We're nervous, too, on top of it being a weird day.

Me, too. Same.

You know, I just figured, try it.

You're afraid of it, so try it.

I mean, it's my first time, too.

- I think we talked about this. - Yeah, we talked about it.

Honestly, yeah, it's a huge relief

that you're here.

We're good?

We are cool.

Yeah? Oh my god.

Oh, sorry. That's on me.

You're fine. I'm fine.

I mean, I thought you guys might be, like,

two European sophisticates who, like,

laughed at me when I didn't know the lingo.

Ha-ha-ha, oui, oui, oui.

Oh, that's a really good French accent.

Oh yes.

I am French like a baguette.

But also, just, like, right off the bat,

not to be awkward or weird,

but, like, if you,

either of you aren't feeling it

or, like, the energy is not there, like,

just say something and we can rewind or whatever.

- Hi. - And this is my sister, Claire.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi, I'm Jas.

Hi, um, um...

I have a small favor to ask, just a quick little favor.

You don't have to say yes.

It's totally fine.

So basically, it would be awesome if at dinner tonight,

you could pretend that you work

at Deakins and Malone with me, um, and then,

and then you guys, you guys could pretend,

uh-huh, that you work with String

and String's just gotten dumped

and we're setting Jas and String up.

That's... that's... that's the scenario.

- That's what we're doing. - Claire, what are you doing?

I know, I know it's crazy.

I know it's a little... but if you just...

- if you could just help me out. - Claire.

You don't have to. I know you don't have to.

It's just... it's just I don't know what...

I don't know, I don't know what happens

when the male ego finds out he was humiliated in public,

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I don't know what he'll do, you know.

So I just... I think it could be, um...

You... just think about it.

You don't have to say yes, but, but, it's just one dinner.

And it would really, um, help me out a lot.

And I'm gonna go get String on board

and just think about it.

Okay?

Um, okay, thank you.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Thank you. Okay.

Uh, is this, like, a game?

Is this, like, part of it?

You didn't tell me you smoke.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are we revealing things right now?

I didn't keep any secrets.

You know.

Okay, we're learning things about each other right now.

I guess we're learning things about each other.

- Yes. - Zach is her fiancé.

Okay. Who is also here.

Who is here.

- I'm so sorry. - I'm so sorry.

It's honestly a nightmare.

And I...

I honestly feel like I might puke right now.

I didn't realize there were going to be

so many other people here.

We didn't either.

It was just supposed to be the four of us.

And then he showed up and...

I don't want to be this guy.

I don't want to be the plan guy.

No, no, I don't want to be the... me neither.

I don't want to be this girl either, you know?

But I think just for a second, we have to,

because we already were these people when we came here,

you know? And the plan is good. The plan is good.

The plan is just that Jas, who just got here,

so Jas works with me and you work with Art and Ali.

And we're here. We're setting you guys up.

- No, no. - Please?

Please?

Why don't you just tell Zach to leave?

Because I don't know what he's going to do.

- I don't know. - What if he hits you

or something, you know? I don't want anyone to get hurt.

- You think he's going to hit me? - He might.

If I just... if I told him... you know.

I just think this is a good plan for right now, you know?

Do you still want to marry him?

No, no. No.

- No? - No.

- No, but that today... - Then tell him to leave.

No, today is not the day to have that conversation.

To put it lightly, Ali's sister is cheating on her fiancé.

She... her fiancé showed up.

We didn't think her fiancé was going to show up,

and now she is trying to get us to play a ruse game

of some sort of murder mystery roleplay thing

in which we all have a place to be

in order so that her fiancé doesn't blow up and holy boy.

It's just one dinner.

You don't even have to say that much, okay?

And I... if you do this,

I will sneak out and I will give you

a thousand blow jobs in the middle of the night.

I don't want to... this isn't like a funny thing.

- Okay. - This is, like,

your fiancé showed up.

I know, I know.

I'm here, okay?

- I know. - It's not...

Please. Please.

Please, please, please, please.

Please just help me.

Please just for one day.

Okay?

Please?

- Okay? - I'm sorry.

Okay, okay?

Please. Yes? Good.

- Okay, just think about it. - Should I stay?

Should I just go? Maybe we can get together another time?

Right, she should stay?

What? Help me.

It would be wonderful if you stayed.

You should stay.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I just don't even know

what to say besides I'm sorry.

Yeah. I mean, don't... it's okay.

Okay. Okay.

String's on board. We're all good.

Claire, I'm very angry with you right now.

- We're not all good, Claire. - We can talk...

we can talk later, okay?

We're not all good.

- Who's winning? - Where do we work again?

- Nope. - Okay.

I'm your sous chef, your sous chef.

One thing you could do is, oh my god...

Could you, um...

I see why you took that off now.

Yeah. Well, the other one didn't...

- The thing wasn't working. - Yeah, yeah.

Uh, grab the tomatoes.

Yes.

And get, like, a plate or something.

Mm-hm.

And then, like...

- Cutting board, knife? - Any... yeah.

And I just want to, like,

a little, like, cross hatch on the bottom of every tomato.

- I can do that. - Does that make any sense?

Yeah. I can do that.

I mean, I'm going to Google it, but sure.

Cross hatch.

Honestly, I didn't know anything about this.

- And... - But, like, what...

You know, Dad taught us how to make every kind of...

How are we going to make it through this?

Taught us how to butcher them, too.

It's one dinner, we can make it through one dinner.

Chicken, pork.

- Oh. Missed the kidneys. - I know.

Get these little pups out of here.

Oh, come on. Come on.

- You're mine. - I can't confront him

- in front of everybody. - Please.

Who knows what he's gonna do, you know?

I don't know how he's gonna react.

Wouldn't it be better... oh, god,

I don't even know what would be better.

You're being so selfish and not thinking.

I'm sorry. I know, I know, I know.

I had a whole plan and it got completely fucked up

and... and I... I know.

I just...

I keep thinking, like, maybe I should just leave.

No.

We both should leave.

- Yeah, but then I'm... - This is insane.

But then I'm like, "What if I leave

and it blows this lady's cover?

What if he, like, I don't know, kills her or something?"

Wouldn't I at least be partially responsible?

No. No. You're...

Look, my eyes are fully open

to how angry men can just ruin people's lives

and what they're capable of.

You don't think he's, like, really violent, though, right?

I don't know. I don't know him.

But don't they say, like, cuckolding is worse than death?

It's, like, the most visceral unmanning.

It's, like, the emotional equivalent of like:

Someone just, like, slicing it off.

If we just get through tonight,

I can talk to him in private, you know?

I can talk to him at home.

If I want to.

Restaurant which you would be considered a chef.

- Mm-hm. - I was, like, 21.

And, like, definitely,

in terms of how long I've been at...

...uh....

- ...Magnate. - Mm-hm.

That's been... will be my third year coming on.

My god, I remember when you got that job.

Yeah.

Yeah, it would be my third year coming on, like...

Probably soon, right?

- I... I... - I mean,

you guys just fucked in that room.

I know. Okay?

But he didn't... he didn't... he was... I...

You're probably fine.

You should stay.

I should definitely go.

I don't need to be here, right?

Because he's gonna take it out on me.

He's not gonna take it out on you.

Right, I don't worry for myself,

but I'm worried about...

- Me? - You.

Yeah. And also Claire.

Oh, I'm worried about Claire, too.

Yeah.

How many sports did Art think he's going to play?

- Tilted? - Yeah, exactly.

I've got to find my fucking engagement ring.

Wow, this is a very...

Set timer for one hour and 15 minutes.

Okay, your timer is set for one hour and 15 minutes.

Oh my god. Who is your voice?

I have the Australian man.

- "Hello." - It's Australian.

Yes, we've set your timer.

- Hey. - Hi.

Do you need to get... what?

- Is... - No, she's not in here.

- Oh. - It's cool that you're,

you know, here for all this.

Yeah, yeah.

Not quite the Saturday I expected.

No. None of us.

None of us expected it.

Um...

Um.

But it's still a break from the place where we work.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Yes, exactly.

Deakins and Malone.

- Deakins and Malone. - Deakins and Malone.

So cross hatch is, like, what?

Like one line?

Yeah, like, make a little X at the bottom.

There and there, there, there?

No, no, no, just, like, at the bottom.

Make a little X.

- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.

- That's all I'm asking. - Okay.

What if someone calls you, like, you know,

my girlfriends used to when we went on dates,

have, like, an emergency phone call.

I need an emergency phone call.

- You're right. - Yeah.

I could call you from my pocket.

Okay. Um...

What's, like, something you need, like, right now?

- A pet. - A pet?

- Do you have a pet? - I don't have a pet.

- Make one up? - Maybe, like, a fish,

but you don't have an emergency for a fish or anything.

I don't have a dog.

But nobody knows that.

- Tomato? - No, I'm good, thank you.

- You sure? - No, no, oh wait, wait, hold on.

That's very wrong.

What you're doing is very, very much not what I...

- Really? - Yeah.

- It's crossed. - No, no, just

a little cross hatch to break the skin

at the bottom of each tomato.

- Oh. - Maybe a major household.

- My dad is sick. - He is?

No, but I'm, like, lying... I'm lying.

Okay, so my dad's dying.

- No, that's too... too much. - It's too much.

That's bad karma, too, don't say that about...

'Cause he's gonna, like... they're gonna ask,

and then it's gotta be the...

I'm already, like, lying so much.

Did you drive here?

No.

I didn't drive here.

I can't just, like... like, how am I gonna get, like,

a cab to go home?

I'm gonna say it's been, like, a really long time.

Like, it's been, like, a really long time

since we've all...

I mean... I mean, your schedule's crazy now.

- I know, I've... but I've been... - So is mine.

- ...working, like, insane hours. - Yeah, I barely see her.

- I know, how I'm... yeah. - Yeah, totally.

- Yeah. - I love him.

I've missed him, I missed you.

I missed you, be bah.

I think that I should not be here.

- No, you definitely shouldn't. - We agree, we agree.

I should not be here, right?

I mean, this is crazy.

Hey, we don't have to have this discussion

- right now. - Maybe... what if we just...

I know... I know it's ridiculous, but I was thinking

there's the... for the band... for, like, music,

there's a New Orleans jazz band

- that is... - I kinda... I like that idea.

It's really... it's a really cool idea.

They march in after the dinner.

- Oh. - It sounds crazy.

- I'm reeling you back in. - Okay, wait, all right,

- reel me back in. - I know it sounds crazy.

They probably could play any song

in the style of New Orleans jazz.

In the style... oh, good, good.

So, just we're gonna get "Uptown Funk"...

- What's your... what is your... - ...with the jazz.

...number one suggestion?

Give me the... give me the song that has to be played

- in your vision of our wedding. - Oh, man, okay.

Like, it won't go right unless this...

I haven't thought of it, have you thought about that?

Are you kidding? Of course, I've thought about it

- all the time. - Go, tell me first.

- Go first then - Tempt me, toothy beauty,

with a burdened elephant.

Something, something.

All right, I'm just... I'm gonna run the dog plan by Claire.

Okay, it's not a bad plan, it's average.

- I'll go get... - No, no, you stay, you stay.

- No, no, no, you... - She's in the kitchen with him.

- You're staying here. - No, you stay.

- You do your thing. - I'm gonna have to go see

- when the water starts boiling. - Singing... oh, you get to turn.

I don't wanna be in this way.

♪ Take me for a walk ♪

- ♪ Take me for ♪ - No, I don't wanna... you guys...

♪ A break ♪

- I don't wanna be... - And then, I gotta work on this.

- Wait for it. - Find her.

I'm gonna go, and then...

He's such a nervous person.

What if our song isn't a slow song,

and our song is more like an "Uptown Funk,"

- and then we... - No, we are not that couple.

- No. - Internet fame wedding.

No, I do not want an internet fame...

What do you think about... so... so for weddings,

when they have... you know the song

that brings the people out.

Do you want New Orleans Jazz?

What hits you more, New Orleans jazz?

And I think I know what String is gonna say.

- Do you? - Or, like, "Uptown Funk"?

New Orleans jazz, "Uptown Funk."

- That's not... - "Uptown Funk"

is the Bruno Mars song, right?

Uh-huh, yeah, but I'm... we're not...

I... I can't, no.

Hey, it's boiling, it's boiling.

It's all ready.

- The water's boiling... - Water's boiling.

What... everybody else out of the kitchen

besides the two chefs.

- Okay. - Hear that? I'm a chef.

The two chefs.

I'm the chef now.

Oh, shit, don't put it in, don't put it in.

- Take it out, take it out. - Take it out?

- What? - We need to make an ice bath.

It's either that... it's in a hot bath.

Yeah, but we need to put it in an ice bath.

- My dog's sick. - Do you want anything?

Really?

No, but,

what if I had, like...?

What if I had...?

What if I had, like, an emergency or something?

We can make it through, we can make it through.

It'll be good, it'll be good.

But, like, I get a phone call from my dog walker,

The dog's sick, and then I just have to...

I have to leave, I have to get on the commuter rail,

- and I go back to LA. - Let's just...

can we get through dinner?

- We can make it through dinner. - I can't make it through

dinner prep right now, okay?

- Because sitting next to you... - Shh, shh, shh.

I want you to stay, I want you to be here.

I want to be here with you.

- You want me here? - I want you here.

- I wanna... I wanna be here. - Right?

- Yeah, I do wanna be here. - Yeah.

It's just one dinner, and then... and then

- night's over. - I mean, I didn't...

I didn't wanna have... I didn't wanna leave.

It's... it's nice to hear that.

It's nice to hear that

you want me here.

I do, I really do.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Thank you. - I don't have a dog.

I know.

I don't know why I believed you.

You were a good actor, that was...

- I'm try... I'm trying. - I know, I know you are.

Okay, I can get through dinner,

- and, um... - 17 Mississippi.

I can get through... yeah, I'll try.

- 19 Mississippi, 20 Mississippi. - What are they doing in there?

How are you married to this person?

- I'm not married to anyone. - Well, how are you engaged

- to this person? - ...Mississippi.

- 24. - Mississippi.

- 25. - Mississippi.

- 26. - Mississippi.

- 27. - Mississippi.

- 28. - Mississippi.

- 29. - Mississippi.

- 30. - Mississ... Mississippi.

- 31. - Mississippi.

- 32. - Mississippi.

- 33. - Mississippi.

- 34. - Mississippi.

- 35. - Mississippi.

I don't... I don't think I like the two of them together.

- 38. - Mississippi.

- 39. - This is the next...

- 40. - ...years of your life?

- Mississippi. - Okay, now, now, now, now, now.

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

Oh, my God, who brought their guitar?

- Uh, that's, um... - String.

- Right. - Is this String?

- Yeah, that's my... - Yeah, but where can I...?

- Let me sit in here. - Have a seat.

- Have a seat. - Oh, my God.

- And you got a camera? - I got a camera.

Uh, yeah, it's... I'm kind of a...

- What, a photographer? - Photographer...

- Yeah, it's just... yeah. - and I play... play music, I draw.

It's, like... that's, like, what I do,

- and, yeah. - Oh, my God.

- That's so awesome. - Yeah.

Um, what songs do you know?

I don't actually... this is... I don't play it.

- Do you play in a band? - I don't jinx it, no.

Do you take any...?

- Hey. - I don't take requests.

- 'Cause you're so naturally... - What kind of requests

- do you take? - ...talented.

- Just, like, people don't... - In general?

Just in like, like, do you take requests?

- I guess... - Do you take requests?

People ask me to draw them sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes people ask me to draw them.

- Really? - It's in my body.

Yeah, I mean, I... that's what I...

- Yeah, I make money drawing. - You are full of surprises, man.

Where is your paper... we got some paper here?

- Yeah. - Yeah, a notebook or something.

- Here, that. - And the forks and stuff.

- Do you want me to draw you? - Yeah, man.

- Go... go sit over there. - Uh, so wait,

- where should I sit, here? - Subject... yeah.

- Yeah, you guys... - Oh, my God, this is awesome.

Do you remember... uh, where were we,

Prague or something?

Where was that place where they...

on the street, where they draw you?

- Yeah. - And then, they walk up to you,

and they say, "Here, look, buy this."

But, they've already drawn it.

- That's not what this is. - And you're crazy to not buy it.

You're like, "Of course, yes," and you pull out some, like...

It's a good strategy, yeah.

Yeah, it's also... I mean...

It's... it's like imp... like, I draw, like, impressions,

so it's not, like, it's, like, a caricature.

So, I guess I don't wanna draw anything that you...

And if it's okay if it sucks, too, like, don't worry about it.

You know, I'm just gonna make myself comfortable.

- Try not to blink. - You can blink.

All right, let me know where I should look,

or is there, like, a good side or something?

Um, you're fine.

- Coming right back in, hon. - Mhm.

So, is... what is it again, Jess?

- Jas. - Jas, hey.

Like Jasmine.

Um, were you... are you from around here?

Uh, no, no actually, I'm from, uh...

- I'm from Michigan. - Oh, no way, wow.

- Mhm. - So, you're a U Mich kid?

I actually am a U Mich kid, yeah.

I did go there, well, my mom...

well, both my parents actually worked there.

Um, my mom was an English Professor,

and my dad was in admissions, it's not that interesting.

But, yeah, so I wanted to go anywhere else,

but it was free at the end of the day, so.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Very cool. - Yeah.

- That's great. - Yeah, it's...

Did you take any, like, classes or anything with your parents?

I actually did, yeah, I took a class with my mom.

- Uh, yeah, it was awful. - Oh, my God, really?

- Yeah. - Your mom was your teacher.

- Yeah, yes, um. - Oh, boy.

You know, just... I'm...

you... you know, it was my mom, it was my mom.

- Yeah. - I was a rebellious young woman.

- I got a C plus. - Whoa!

- Yeah. - Wow.

- But, my mom's here now. - I never got a C plus, though,

- so. - You never got a C plus?

- He definitely did. - Straight As?

- You didn't? - I never got a C plus.

What am I, a...?

- I got C pluses. - A Jas?

- A Jas, yeah, yeah. - No, I mean, C pluses are fine.

You know, I was gonna graduate anyway,

so it doesn't matter.

Aren't... String, aren't you from the Midwest, right?

That's something you guys...

- Mm, yes. - ...have in common.

- Are you? - Yeah, where you from, String?

- Ohio. - Knew it.

- Close to each other. - Do you wanna come

in the kitchen with me for a second?

Yeah, sure.

I'll throw away my C-plus lettuce.

- Yeah, we'll just... - All right.

We'll clean up a little bit in there.

- You're a good... a good chef. - That was the only part

that I actually didn't do.

- I'm sorry. - I helped make the salad,

and I helped with the sauce, but not actually.

- Chicken was all Arty? - I mean, you watch him work,

it's, like, you think all this work goes...

like, all this complex stuff goes into it,

and it's very simple, and it's, like, really...

- It's honest cooking, right? - I have an idea.

- I mean, uh, honest? - Hey, Art.

Art, will you come in the kitchen?

Oh, yeah, sure, one second, I just need to...

- Sure. - ...do a quick thing

in the kitchen.

- Yeah, grab it, I'm just gonna... - You rang?

- Mhm. - I can't see anybody, you know?

Oh, man.

It's like...

It feels really good, too, 'cause I feel like

- you've been working so much. - Yeah.

I feel closer

knowing a little more about...

I mean, I got to meet two employees.

- Right, yeah. - And before,

I always felt like I was trying to...

I just... I feel like I'm gonna... I feel like I'm gonna bore you,

you know, if I talk too much about it.

You don't...

I don't know, I don't wanna bore you.

I know, sometimes I get bored.

How... so how long have you been out here then?

I've been here 10 years, I mean, we came out...

- I mean... - Forever ago.

Yeah, I mean, we weren't always dating,

but we were friends first.

- Mhm. - And then, it was...

It's weird in there, so I thought.

- Yes. - A lot of negative vibes.

I'm sorry, I was just joking about the C thing.

- I know. - It wasn't...

- It was low. - He's joking.

- I know it's fine. - I mean, I like to...

- Joke? - I'm mean sometimes,

but, like, I don't mean to be mean.

No, no, your love language is joking.

- It is. - It's sarcasm.

- Sarcasm, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

Why are you looking at me like that?

- Because. - Why are you looking at me

- like that? - What if we, like...?

My tummy's getting a little butterfly in it.

I'm just saying, when you look at me like that...

- I said, "Tummy." - Oh.

- What if we, like, kiss? - Oh, oh, okay.

- I've never had, like... - Enough to...

- Enough to, like... - Get your tongue

having butterflies.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay, let's kiss.

- All right. - All right.

- Was that okay? - Oh, my God, the brownies!

- The brownies. - It was... it was absolutely...

- It was absolutely, uh... - Give me the...

- Don't use your hands. - Yeah, no, no, no, no.

I burn myself a lot.

Hey, did you hear how I proposed?

Did you ever hear that story?

- No, when would I have heard it? - Oh, my God.

So, we're on this architectural boat tour,

and, you know, I give the, like,

boat-driver host guy, you know, 250 bucks.

And then, we're passing these hideous

Mies Van Der Rohe buildings, right?

We go by and then you hear... you know, the microphone's

like, right up on his mouth, so he's like...

And he's like, uh, "Claire Elizabeth Goodman,

your boyfriend has a question for you."

And everyone starts... I mean, people's heads are swiveling.

Everyone's... there's, like, hundreds of people on this boat.

And I stand up, everyone's like, "Ahh."

And then, I walk over, I kneel down,

and, you know,

people were crying, people were clapping.

All these older couples came over and started telling us

what... you know, how their proposals went.

- I mean... - It was kind of a risk,

you know, 'cause, um, I had said... I had said,

"I do not want a public proposal."

- Sure, sure. - And he ended up,

you know, taking a risk, I guess, with it.

But, honestly, sometimes with... with women,

you have to kinda...

you know, you have to shake things up a little bit,

or else it gets boring, you know?

Can't just do what they say, you know?

So, she said she wasn't into the proposal thing,

and I was like, "You know what, man?"

Oh hey, you know what you should do?

- What should I do, what? - Art, grab your fiddle.

Oh, that'd be fun... I don't know,

- it's like a little... - No, do it, do it.

Okay, you don't have to ask me twice,

you know?

How many candles, how old is she?

Uh, 31.

- Okay, well I found 2. - Okay, great.

How would you propose to someone?

Um.

Uh, it wouldn't be an event,

and it wouldn't be in front of people.

I just think it would be

something you woke up to.

I always thought it would be

breakfast in bed.

It's just a Saturday morning.

It's just another day,

and it's just that you know.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Oh.

♪ Happy birthday dear Claire ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Thank you. - Yay!

Oh, my God.

- Can I get another beer? - Yeah.

- Oh, what a night. - Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, one Tecate coming up for the birthday girl.

Mhm.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna grab my phone charger,

because... okay, yeah, no.

Yeah, one sec... one second.

Hey, is it okay I'm in here?

- Yeah, what did you tell them? - I just said I was looking for

a cell phone charger, which I'm realizing now

isn't a very good excuse, but... but we don't have very long,

but, how are you?

- Is it... are you okay? - I'm not okay,

I'm living in a fucking nightmare.

- I'm so sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - No, why are you sorry?

You don't have to be sorry, that's fucking crazy.

I'm sorry that... I'm not apologizing,

but I'm just... I'm sorry that...

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

It's not easy, and...

I deserve it, I just know I did a thing,

and the thing has consequences,

and now it's all fucking blowing up out there,

and I just... I feel like I wanna...

I, like... I feel like I wanna tear my face off

and shove it up my own ass.

Don't laugh at me right now.

Guys, I messed up the very end and I feel really bad.

- You should. - The end of what?

"Happy Birthday," I don't know how to play that song.

It just ruined this whole party.

Yeah, I think, uh, that's the worst thing

that's happened today.

Did you guys see Claire?

Um, I think she's, um... she just needed a second.

She is, like... I think she had to, like,

- take a... go to the bathroom. - Oh, my God,

I can tell you why... she's... this is like, her third beer.

I'll just put it right next to number two.

It's her birthday, you know.

It's gonna be over, okay?

We're gonna get through it, and then it's gonna be over.

Okay, you're doing a great job.

- Thank you again, thank you. - No, no,

he doesn't expect anything.

- He doesn't know anything. - He doesn't suspect...

he doesn't suspect anything.

- You're doing great. - Oh, are you not a big drinker?

- Not really, not much. - I guess you don't usually drink

- when we hang out, huh? - Not...

Is it, like, in your family or something why?

Do you have a lot of, like, repressed anger

that comes out when you drink too much?

Mm, yeah, I mean, is that norm...?

That's normal, though, I mean...

I'm not sure if it's normal, but it's a thing that happens.

It's a thing that happens to people.

This is a really fucked up birthday.

Yeah, thank you.

Maybe next year we don't do this again?

I kinda like it.

I think maybe it should be a tradition.

Maybe.

- Go, yeah, they're gonna... - Okay, yeah, I gotta get

- my cellphone. - Yeah, go get...

- go get your charger. - I'll see you out there.

Okay.

Okay, um, bye.

Yeah, I got it, okay.

Are you guys...?

Do you guys know each... is this the first time...?

Just met.

Uh, well, we met in passing that one time.

- Yeah. - I was having a lunch

- with, uh, Claire bear. - I think there's one right there

- behind the couch. - And, um...

and Ali was there, and that was how

this whole setup thing kinda came to light.

- Great, great. - Yeah.

'Cause I'm so single, I'm just, like, so single,

and String... I'm so single.

- Good for you. - Yes, um.

All right, I know that you guys are probably all wondering

why my name's String.

- Yeah, we are. - I am deeply interested

- in why your name is String. - This is why my name's...

this is why my name's String.

So, when I was a kid,

um, my, uh...

my dad had an aneurism and he was in the hospital.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

- I'm so sorry. - Art,

- you need to... - I'm so sorry.

So, when I was a kid, my dad had an aneurism

and he was in the hospital.

I'm so sorry.

- It's inappropriate. - No, no, String, go on.

Anyways, um,

so he was asking for my siblings,

and he was, you know... 'cause he was worried

he was gonna pass away, and he said, you know, "Get..."

I'm so sorry, I don't know what just came over me.

- It's not a funny story. - Oh, no, no, I'm just...

It's not a funny story.

- I'm sorry, he's nervous. - I'm so nervous.

It's not... it's not even a good story.

- No, definitely... - No, we wanna know.

No, death makes me laugh.

When I was a kid, my dad had an aneurism,

and he was in the hospital, and he's like, you know...

um, he called for my siblings.

He was like, "Can you go clean up Dan, and Benny,

and Jack," and then something happened to his brain,

and he was like... and, "String."

And then, that's when everyone started calling me String.

- Mm. - What's your real name?

- Scott. - Oh, wow.

I'm just kidding, it was just 'cause I play guitar.

I was just... I was trying to...

- It was just a big joke. - Oh, my God.

To String, to String.

Drink for String.

To String, to String, and his dad who had an aneurism.

That wasn't a... that wasn't a real story.

You know, when you tell that...

To the man, the myth, the legend, to dad.

- To dad. - To dad

and all of your escapades.

Thanks for the memories in your new honey house.

In your honey house.

Oh, if these walls could talk.

- Mm, mm. - Mhm.

Do not wanna know what they could say.

- Okay. - Tell me they are totally...

- they're totally front. - Shuffle 'em up.

- Shuffle 'em up. - Okay, they look real.

- Shuffle 'em up. - They look real.

- Shuffle 'em up. - All right, all right,

all right, I learned this in a play about a prison boat

I was in in high school.

Oh, it didn't go very well.

- Oh, you were in high school? - It's a long story...

- Okay, okay, okay, okay. - Just keep going.

So, I'm gonna do... I'm gonna go like this,

and you're just gonna tell me when to stop, okay?

- He's very confident. - Just, okay.

- Stop. - Okay, right there?

- Yeah. - So, take that card.

Just look at it, don't tell me it,

- don't tell me it at all. - Okay.

- You wanna be... you want in this? - Nah.

Okay, okay, just tell me when to stop.

It's all... look at the presentation.

- His eyes are very serious. - Stop.

Okay, you got that card, look at it,

don't tell me anything about it, nothing about it.

Okay now, look at me, put those cards in my brain.

Put 'em in my brain, put 'em in my brain right now.

Put 'em in my brain right now, right here

I'm getting something, I'm getting something.

Okay, right here I'm getting a little bit.

I'm thinking jack... no, king...

no, I'm thinking a queen of... and it's red,

I know it's a Queen of red, and now over here I'm thinking

a 8, 9, and I know it's black.

Queen of diamonds, 9 of clubs.

- What do we got? - No.

Oh, I fucked up again!

Okay, String, get out of my house.

Get out of my house!

Using your brain to transmit.

- I have a trick that I can do. - You do?

String, I did not know that you do magic.

- Yeah, I... I do. - Oh, my God.

Why would you know if he did magic?

- You don't know the... - He's just, uh...

We met... he's never brought it up.

- Yeah, people... - At work, he brings up magic?

He doesn't, that's the point, he doesn't bring it up.

She needs to know everything about everybody.

- All right, do your trick. - Do your trick.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, trick.

- All right, all right. - You all notice

that this is a real nickel.

- Sounds real, sounds real. - Yeah.

- Sounds like a nickel. - And then, catch it.

Oh, it's gone!

- Oh! - Oh, fuck off!

- How did you do that? - Wow.

It wasn't in my hand.

- You got us, you got us. - String, that was amazing.

You guys, magic tricks are neat.

Okay, they're fun, they're neat, I like 'em.

But, I have a little idea.

It's an exciting,

maybe a little dangerous, little...

- Spit it out, bud. - It's an adult idea.

I think we should roll a joint,

smoke it, and play some Celebrity.

- Ugh. - Come on, right?

Oh, I'm kinda sleepy.

You wanted to play a game, it's like... it's 10:00.

You don't wanna, like... you don't wanna lie down,

- you know, with me? - I mean, I do.

- For a minute? - Yes, fuck your wife!

- Yeah! - Fuck your wife!

- What? - Fuck your wife!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, put the pitchforks down.

I'm... I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Oh, all right, freshen up, a little water on the face.

Say a line from his movies, one of the movies as Tom Hanks.

Never liked a box of chocolates, what's a...

Okay, roll us that perfect joint.

I'm grabbing the weed.

Uh.

It's me, can I come in?

- Are you okay? - No.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry.

- No, stop, stop, stop. - I'm really sorry, okay?

- I'm so sorry. - What do you expect me

- to do here? - I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know, can we just, like... can we just

go back out there?

Listen, like, if there is...

you and your fiancé in one room and a threesome going on

in another room, I...

I can't stay here and not kill myself.

Oh, I know, I know.

I'm... I'm a fucking asshole for doing this to you.

I am so sorry.

I really, really am.

I didn't... I didn't...

- I just... - I'm a fucking tornado, man.

I fucking dragged you in and I...

- It's not fair. - I don't know how you...

I don't know how you expect me

to sit there and watch

you guys cuddle on the couch and kiss.

I mean, I can... I can do it, but I can pretend,

I can stick around, but I...

- That's a lot, it's a lot. - It's too much.

- I don't expect... - It's really hard.

- I know, I'm sorry. - Okay.

- It's okay, it's... - String, I'm so sorry.

I wanted this to be so good, and I didn't... I really...

I didn't wanna hurt you.

I know.

I feel so bad.

I am so, so sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not, it's not okay.

It's okay.

Thank you for staying.

- This is stupid. - I know.

Yo, I gotta pee.

Hey, man.

Uh, just give me...

Just give me... give me a second.

Come on, man, shake it off.

Yeah, man, just, um...

I'm just finishing up.

- What are you doing? - I don't know,

I'm just gonna hide.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'll be okay. - What the fuck do we do?

Just go out, just act like I'm not here,

- just go out there. - Claire.

You go.

Okay.

- Hey, man. - Hey, man.

Guy's fucking weird.

Ahh, oh, my God.

Yeah!

One of you guys keeping time?

- Yes. - Yep, we got it.

- Go. - Time her.

Okay, I did not have sexual relations

- with that woman. - Bill Clinton!

- You're on the other team. - No, no.

- You can tickle me. - Elmo.

That could've been a lot of people.

I... I'm the fly and I'm in Jurassic Park.

- Jeff Goldblum. - Oh, my God, this is so easy.

- We got hard ones. - This is so easy.

- Good. - I'll never let go.

- Jack. - Who is?

- Kate Winslet. - But, the other guy.

- Leonardo DiCaprio. - Yeah.

- Okay, time, time! - Oh, I got four.

- Okay. - Yeah, you didn't know that?

They were easy.

- All right, okay. - Are there a few left in there?

- There's one left. - That's all right.

- All right, okay. - All right, who's next?

- No, wait, I'll go. - Who's next on your team?

- I think it's only one. - Yeah, you got it.

- Yeah, all right. - Yeah.

And, um, now you have to

guess each other's cards.

This doesn't seem like a trick.

Tricked you.

- What ya need? - Well, I was just gonna say

- that it is your birthday. - It's my birthday.

And that I just wanna say,

- um, I love you. - I love you.

- And happy birthday. - Thank you.

And I'm really happy we're back here.

Me too, weird, though, that he's telling her that.

I'm gonna... I'm actually... I'm gonna go grab one.

- Just gonna keep playing. - Oh, cool.

- All right. - Do you know any more

- from earlier? - Me?

Hey.

String.

Uh.

- What's up, man? - Hey.

Bummer.

- What the fuck was that? - I don't know.

He just... I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know what he's doing.

I just heard him drive away, he just took the car.

- It's fine. - No, Zach, I don't know.

Should someone go out after him?

Maybe he's going to get beer or something.

Maybe he found out they were...

He probably didn't...

- What the fuck was that? - I'm telling you the truth.

- I don't... - No!

- What the fuck was that? - What?

- What the fuck was that? - Zach, I don't know.

- It's not... it's not... - What the fuck was that?

I think he took the car.

Right, he took their car.

- Claire, I mean... - He's fine, he just

- took it for a spin. - No, people don't just

fucking do that, they don't just fucking do that.

- Why don't we just...? - Unless there's a fucking...

- No, no, just... can you please...? - You and I, why don't we just

and talk, you and I, please, please?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck was that?

- I don't know. - What the fuck, Claire?

- I don't know, I don't know! - What the fuck, Claire?

- Okay? - Hey, hey, hey!

Claire.

I don't know, I...

Zach, please, please, can we just...

can we talk, just you and I?

- Just... just... - Ahh!

Stop, stop!

- You fucking knew about this! - Don't put your finger

- in my face. - That's inappropriate.

- Don't, don't, don't... - Claire, will you just tell him

- what's going on? - I'm trying to...

I'm fucking trying to talk to him, Ali, okay?

I am fucking humiliated.

- Oh, please, dude, come on. - Calm down.

It's... please, will you just talk to me?

It's not her fault, it's not, okay?

I can't believe... I can't believe this is happening.

Ali, it's not fucking about you right now!

Then, get the fuck out!

Claire, I'm not saying it's about me.

You're sitting there weeping on the couch

- like it's about you. - Oh, please, you know what?

Go fuck your girlfriend if that's what

- you wanna fucking do! - What the fuck is that?

I don't even wanna know what the fuck that is.

You are fucking horrible!

- You're horrible. - I'm horrible?

- You are. - I'm horrible, yeah,

great, great... no, no, no, sit there together.

Yeah, this is about you guys, that's good, that's good,

that's really good, I'm aware it's terrible, Claire.

Mine's the life that's fucking falling apart right now, okay?

Yours is fucking good, as always.

Don't fucking worry about it!

- Can we please, please...? - Fuck you.

Fuck you, man, I'm trying to talk to you!

- And fuck you. - I didn't lie!

You bring out the fucking worst in each other.

- You're an asshole! - You are like... you are like

evil children who fucking...

You pretend like we're in high school.

She's my fucking fiancé.

- Don't fucking drag me! - Don't fucking touch her!

Okay, I'm trying to fucking talk to you

and you're not paying attention to me!

I'm trying... we can... you and I...

Can we just have a conversation, okay?

What the fuck was that?

I would like to talk to you in private.

- What the fuck was that? - I would like to talk to you

in private about it, okay?

That is what I'm asking for.

- What was it? - Don't bring her into this.

- What was it? - Don't bring me into it.

Hello?

Jesus.

Ali, come on.

Is that Roger?

- Roger. - Hello, hey.

- Hi! - Ali?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, hi. - Hi, come here.

- Hey, you. - Wow.

- Who's that? Claire. - That's Claire.

- Hey. - You guys have gotten

- so much older. - Yeah, that's how it works.

Me too, me too, me too.

- Who's this, who's that? - This is Art,

- this is my boyfriend Art. - Hi.

- Roger. - Art, nice to meet you.

I grew up with the girls... Roger, I grew up with the girls.

So, I got a call, uh, apparently there was

some yelling going on here, so I'm assuming...

I'm sorry, we had a really nasty game of Celebrity.

- You know, competitive. - The real problem is that

the Livingstons over there thought that this house was...

uh, was full of meth heads.

- Oh, I'm... - Because this house

is not supposed to be... you're not supposed to

be in here, you know that, right?

I said, "I'll go take care of it,

I know them, I know them."

Look, so our dad's selling the house,

so we came for a last weekend, like a last hurrah kinda thing.

No, he's not.

He's not selling it, he...

Ali, your dad declared bankruptcy.

I was here, I helped... I mean, I helped...

- I helped lock it all up. - He of course wouldn't have

- fucking told us. - Oh, my God.

- Yeah. - Sorry, Roger, you know what?

- We didn't know. - No, you know what, that's okay,

I'm sure after all these years I...

Can you give us a little bit?

- We'll pack up and go. - Yeah, you really need

to get out of here pronto, because the Livingstons

have been calling about once every 15 minutes.

- That sounds perfect. - Please apologize.

- I'm sorry to the Livingstons. - We're sorry.

Okay, um,

String's gonna leave the car at your apartment,

and he'll throw the key under the mat.

Um, I'll go deal

with him,

and, uh,

I'll wait for you guys in the car.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Happy birthday. - Aw, thanks.

- I knew it'd be fine. - Yeah.

- Sorry about that. - Do you guys wanna

come to my house?

- Oh. - It's like 10 minutes away.

Yeah, but we don't have any way of getting back to LA.

- Yeah. - I... I can drive you.

- It's Sunday. - It's like 100 miles.

Yeah, that's like an hour and a half.

It's fine.

We could... we can just, like, go to bed,

we don't have to do anything.

- It's close, we can crash. - Let's go.

- We should... okay. - Yeah?

Should we tell them, or should we just go?

- No, let's go. - Let's just go, honestly.

- Let's go. - Let's do it.

I don't really know what to say.

I just wanted to be happy.

I just wanted you to be happy.

- What did I do wrong? - You didn't do anything wrong.

It has nothing to do with you.

I'm...

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull