Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Aah. An extra uniform. - I'm getting a new trainee.

What you gonna train him to do?

Sit on his butt all day?

[chuckles]

No. He can learn that from you.

[chuckles] No, this is part of an urban

outreach program for people on probation.

Shoo, Dee. We got enough criminals in this lobby.

You don't have to recruit anybody.

Now, come on, everybody can make a mistake.

Hmm, this is probably a fine individual

who just lost his way.

- Alright. - Hello, cats and kittens.

Officer T.C. reporting for duty.

Oh.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

Hey, boys, come here, you won't believe

who's in the diner.

- Customers? - No, fool.

Somebody from "The Ken And Kiki Show."

The van is parked right outside.

You're talking about that stupid morning show?

I think they've come to put the diner on TV.

Now, what would they want with you, pop?

Are you doing a story on health code violation?

You know

I bet they're scouting restaurants

for their dining out segment.

Pop.

Where they at? I don't see no Ken and Kiki.

Don't you know anything about show business?

The stars don't come out themself

they send their flunkies.

Don't just stand there, come on, we gotta find out

who's the flunky and kiss his butt.

Come on.

Excuse me, sir.

- Suits. - Suits.

(both) Yee-ta-dee.

- How can I help you, sir? - Uh, yeah.

- Is this your diner? - Yes, indeedy.

And you are our one millionth satisfied customer.

Congratulations, you get the complimentary massage.

[shouting]

Hey, Marlon, Marlon, get the feet.

Hey, let me go!

All I wanted was more coffee.

Um, no problem.

Marlon, give this man some coffee.

Excuse me, I'm really in a rush

could I get some of this chili to go?

Okay, hold on. Can't you see I'm busy? Damn.

Can I at least get some water?

Fine.

There you go.

I just wanna get this back to the studio

Ken and Kiki are crazy about chili.

Ken and Kiki? That's my favorite TV show.

Oh, thank you, I'm the producer, Jason Rudnick.

Really? What brings you to Pops?

- Our fine cuisine? - No.

My van broke down.

But now that I've had some of your chili

I was wondering if you'd like to make some

on the cooking segment of our show.

We'd love to.

That's always been a dream of mine.

To make chili on TV?

No. To be in showbiz.

Just think, to be known and loved by millions

to have crazed fans stalk you

to have the tabloids write lies about you

and then live in fear that one day

it's all gonna be gone.

And I'll be a nobody again.

I tell you, I love showbiz.

Hey, kid, you're funny. Hey, can he come too?

- Aah. - Pop, please.

Please, please.

That boy don't know nothin' about cookin'.

Pay you $500 for the team.

He's a quick learner. Where do we sign?

Yes, I'mma be a star!

Of course, you know, we're gonna need a limousine

masseuse, bodyguards.

All we give our guests is a complimentary fruit basket.

Free fruit.

We made it big time, pop! Free fruit!

[instrumental music]

Alright, T.C., front and center.

(T.C.) 'Uh-uh. This thing itches.'

Sound like a case for the free clinic.

[chuckles]

Come on, T.C., I don't have all day.

[chuckles] Hey, look, it's Officer Urkel.

[snorts]

[imitating Urkel] Did I do that?

This thing is tearin' me up.

What kind of weird material is this?

- Cotton. - No wonder.

My body is used to fine polyester blends.

Well, too bad, it ain't used to fine soap and water.

Fine, sure, come on, let's get to work.

Here's your clipboard

your walkie-talkie, your flashlight.

Uh, say.

When do I get my gun?

Negro, please. You ain't getting no gun.

What if something goes down?

Here's your whistle

and your pepper spray.

Pepper spray?

What're you gonna catch, some fried chicken?

He gonna catch hell, if he don't get to work.

Come on, T.C., it's time to make our rounds.

- We're taking the stairs. - The stairs?

I knew I shouldn't have worn these platforms.

Man, T.C. as a rent-a-cop.

That's like Nell Carter guarding some donuts.

[chuckles]

(Marlon) 'Come on, Pops. We got rehearsal, man. '

What are you talkin' about? I'm just making some chili.

No, you don't understand.

This is major media exposure.

I mean, this could lead to book deals, public appearances.

You could end up with your own food line.

That's right, pop. You could be the Famous Amos of chili.

But without that nappy beard.

Oh, man.

- My face on a can of chili. - Mm-hmm.

I can see me now.

Right on the shelf between Uncle Ben

and that brother from the Cream of Wheat box.

That's right. You'll be known as Chef Homeboy R. D.

That's it. Great. Okay, I'm the director.

You show me what you gonna do tomorrow.

What do I do?

You take one step to your left.

Great!

Okay, we're gonna start from the top.

In, five, four, three

two, action!

Howdy do?

I'm a ghetto gourmet.

Today we're cooking granny's secret family recipe

for, for a lamb chili.

Now the secret to any good chili is in the spices.

Oh-oh, they may call it chili.

[giggling]

But it's really hot. Ooh-ooh-oh.

[giggling]

Um, giggles, we gotta hurry up, man.

- You only got three minutes. - Three minutes?

Oh, I-I'm cooking chili not makin' love.

Now, look, Pops, when you do the show tomorrow

chili is already gonna be cooked.

All you gotta do is smile and sell it.

That's right, pop, and that's why I'm making my grand entrance

with a steamin' hot chili from the stove.

This is where the acting comes in.

Excuse me.

[sniffles]

Mm-mm, mm-mm-m-m, mm.

Now, that's what I call chili.

And I ain't talking about that little Indian girl from TLC.

Mm.

Delicious.

Ah, it's hot.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[groaning]

[instrumental music]

Fool, have you lost your natural mind?

Oh, now, now, where's it written that a guard

can't be secure and stylish?

How many alley cats did you kill to make that?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, baby.

This is a custom-order.

It's from the "Shaft In Africa" collection.

Stand back, those sequins are messing up my picture.

- Are the boys on yet? - Uh, they're comin' up next.

Oh, great, I thought I was goin' to miss it.

Who knew macaroni would make a comeback.

[chuckles]

Like a blast from my childhood.

Your childhood.

Come on, Ken, don't you mean your college years?

Ooh. Ouch. Ouch. Ha ha.

Oh, that one hurt.

Two points for Kiki. Ha ha ha.

Excuse me. May I say something about my book?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're out of time.

We will be right back with our cooking segment.

- Right, Ken? - Oh, you betcha.

Our producer found a delightful, soulful chef

who builds himself as the ghetto gourmet.

So let's get down with our badselves.

Right on, Ken.

Stay tuned, we'll be right back.

- Okay, clear. - Thank God.

Get this old hag away from me.

I beg your pardon!

- I was talking about her. - Me?

Make-up, Ken needs more Poligrip!

Okay, uh, here's the kitchen, uh, this is your camera

and you can see yourself on this monitor.

Hey.

Oh, snap.

I didn't know Denzel Washington was here.

Ha ha ha. Oh, that's me.

Yay!

- Good luck. - Hey, hey, hey, bro.

What happened to that free food you promised us?

- What, you trying to stiff me? - No, no.

You get that after the show.

Don't make me come looking for you.

Ooh-oh-oh.

This sure is a nice kitchen.

- Oh, we exquisite, pop. - No..

I don't know, I'm starting to get a little nervous.

What you got to get nervous about?

I'm going to do all the cookin'.

Yeah, Marlon, snap out of it.

There's gonna be millions of people watchin'.

And we don't need you embarrassing the family.

- Millions? - That's right.

When that red light goes on

the whole nation is gonna be focused on you, pop.

So remember..

...the reputation of the entire black race..

...is ridin' on you.

- You the man. - Thank God.

Thank God all the pressure's on you, pop.

Oh, Lord.

- Time to start. - Have fun.

Here we go.

In five seconds.

Four, three, two..

One!

- Hi, you're cooking with Ken.. - And Kiki.

(both) In our kitchen.

If you're feeling a little soulful today

don't adjust your set.

'Cause we're in the kitchen

with the ghetto gourmet.

He's New York's own, Mr. Pops Williams.

And his assistant, Marlon.

So, Pops, tell us, what are you cooking for us today?

Uh, uh, uh. Uh..

Is that ghetto talk for something delicious?

Uh, uh, uh..

- Hey, what's he doing? - Come on, Pops.

Do somethin', there's millions of people watching.

That must be what they call getting down.

Go to commercial. Go to commercial.

- We'll be right back! - That's my line.

She'll be right back!

Is he gonna be okay?

- I think so. - Thank God.

I don't think our insurance covers this.

Come on, Pops, snap of it, man.

We're coming back live, pop. Pop.

Somebody here, better make some chili.

- You, pal. You're on. - Me?

I don't know how to make no chili.

Okay, here we go. We're back.

In five seconds.

Four, three, two..

One!

Oh. Hi, how you doin'?

I'm the ghetto gourmet's

ghetto assistant, Marlon.

And this is my ghetto assistant, Shawn.

'Shawn, say, hi to the people.'

Hi, peoples. Ooh, my bad.

I understand today you're gonna be makin' some chili.

That's right-o-rooney, Ken.

But first, I'm gonna give a smooth shout-out

to all my peeps on the block.

What up, y'all?

And to my sixth grade teacher, Ms. Simmons

who said I'd never amount to anything.

Kiss my as-paragus.

Can we get on with the recipe?

Oh. Uh, sure.

Uh, first my ghetto assistant Shawn

will chop the vegetables.

- Uh, listen.. - Ahem.

Hi, peoples.

Um, as we all know the, uh

the secret to chopping is

uh, complete knowledge of Bruce Lee videos.

Ah, oh, ah, oh, ah, hyah, hyah.

You killed my pal, papa!

Oh, how masterful.

And such nice large hands.

I bet, you know how to peel an onion.

Too bad, you don't have one.

Looks to me like Kiki's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

You know, men always make the best chefs.

My little boy Jody just loves to play

with his easy-bake oven.

Sounds like little Jody is gonna get his behind kicked

in nursery school today.

What do you expect from a boy named Jody?

[chuckles]

So tell me after you chop those vegetables

what's next?

Oh, well, what you wanna do is throw it on the pot

with some beans.

And then you wanna get yourself

a nice 40 ounce.

Ooh, malt liquor.

A secret ingredient for the chili?

No, cooking always makes me thirsty.

- Want a swig? - Oh, my, no.

Ooh, that's a first.

- What're you boys doing? - Pops.

- Pop, you're back. - Not a moment too soon.

You're about to ruin my chili.

Marlon, lower that heat.

- It's gonna stick to the pot. - Okay.

And what is this?

I don't use no cheap malt liquor in my chili.

I use champale.

Champale.

Everybody say with me.

(in unison) Champale!

Come on, let's get this chili on the roll now.

Ow. Oh, oh, oh.

Well, tall, dark and deadly.

I did my rounds.

I checked all the fire extinguishers

the batteries in the smoke alarms

and the ladies' room.

You're not supposed to check the ladies' room.

I did that for extra credit.

Well, T.C.

you have been hardworking

diligent and responsible.

Well, how nice of you to notice.

- What's your angle? - Angle?

The new T.C. is straight as an arrow.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I have some more exits to check.

We don't want that criminal element sneaking in.

[sniffles]

- I'm watching you, mister. - Enjoy the view.

- Ah! Hee-hee hee. - Whoo!

I'm telling you..

The TV stars have arrived.

Please, no autographs, groupie.

You guys were great.

Oh, no, we weren't. We were brilliant.

They gave us two whole segments.

'And the best part about it'

they want us back tomorrow.

Who knew that I would be starting

a whole new career at my age.

And you know what, pop, if we do well tomorrow

we could become regulars and then

we could really make that paper.

Damn, who knows.

Maybe my own show.

I mean our own show.

Hey, you guys, don't worry about it

'cause we all gonna be stars.

Boy, we're gonna have girls writing us letters.

Throwin' off their clothes, throwin' us their panty drawers.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, excuse me.

Aren't you the ghetto gourmets

from "The Ken And Kiki Show?"

Yeah, that's us.

- This is the place, ladies! - Oh!

They're here!

[all screaming]

[instrumental music]

Okay, pop. I'm all ready.

I got my make-up. I got my wardrobe.

I got the lady in wardrobe

to take off her wardrobe.

All the important stuff. By the way, what are we making?

Well, the only way to top great grandmother's secret chili

is with great grandma's secret gumbo.

Oh.

Great grandma had a lot of secrets, huh?

Yeah. Like, what happened to great grandpa.

That's still a mystery.

- Okay, everything set? - Yep.

For our comedy section, we got okra

sausages and crab claws.

Need I say more? Give me five, Jack.

And for the ladies, once that pot starts boiling

I'm taking off my shirt

and I'm gonna pour hot olive oil on my chest.

Then, I'm gonna put on these.

Oh-oh. That will sell gumbo.

And I got three different ways to make my roux.

Well, that might not be necessary.

Hi, hi, one and all.

- Hello, Shawn. - Hey.

Pops, you are still here?

Howdy-do?

I thought you were going to take care of this.

I'm trying.

Get him out of the studio

before we're back on the air. I don't wanna see him.

- Okay. - What's going on?

Pops, it's like this.

You don't quite fit our demographic.

Demographic?

I can cook Greek.

No, uh, we're trying to attract

a younger audience.

What are you getting at?

Jason here will fill you in.

Make-up.

So nice to have known you.

Mmm.

- Did they just fire us? - No, no, not at all.

He just fired you. I'll get you fruit.

- Have a good show, boys. - I don't believe this.

Oh, man, we ain't doin' this show without you, pop.

- Yeah, they can peace out, pop. - No.

You boys go ahead. It might be your big break.

You know, pop, this is something you wanted too.

Don't worry about me.

I still got my diner.

Although business is bad..

...I still got my marriage.

[clearing throat]

Man, they can't get away with this. Forget this.

Come on, Shawn, let's peace out.

No, no, no, no.

I got a better idea.

Let's get even.

Here's what we gonna do.

Okay, here we go.

In five, four, three, two..

We're back.

- And you're cooking with Ken.. - And Kiki.

(both) In our kitchen.

This intercity dish is sure to cause a riot.

It's gumbo.

And we're gonna learn all about it

from our young hip, ghetto gourmets.

Thanks, Ken. Take us away, Marlon.

Well, thank you, Shawn.

Now, as we all know, the key to a great gumbo

is fresh ingredients.

That's right, anything old should be tossed out

with the trash. Right, Ken?

Oh, uh, yeah, fresh sounds good to me.

I bet it does.

'Cause from what Kiki tells us

your girlfriend works at Hot Dog on a Stick, is it?

You little freak, I bet she deep fry your corn dog.

Hey, uh..

...Tiffany is a manager trainee.

And she's just a good friend anyway.

But back to the gumbo.

Well, if any of our loyal fans out there

wondering what happened to Pops.

Well, apparently he's just too damn old for the show.

Ain't that right, Kiki?

[chuckles ] Right.

One old man on the show is enough.

Ouch. That's one for you, Kiki.

[chuckles]

Well, Kiki, you don't ever have to worry about looking old.

- Oh, thank you, Shawn. - That's right.

'Cause from what Kenny tells us, uh

you had so many facelifts, your neck has nipples.

Those are moles.

Can we get on with the cooking?

[gasps] What have we here?

Oh, it's called crabs.

And from what Kiki tells us, Ken

you know a couple of these little creatures personally.

[chuckling]

Well, uh, at least, I don't have a little

bed-wetting, thumb-suckering therapy.

- Oh. - Oh, snap, lady.

You can't let him talk about your son like that.

Don't talk about little Jody like that.

- I meant your husband. - O-o-h.

Well, at least we're both adults not like your little..

- Hot dog hoochie. - Thank you. Hot dog hoochie.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe I should tell the real reason

why the Miss America judges voted you

most photogenic.

You can't prove a thing.

I got the video tapes, baby.

He's got false teeth and hair plugs.

Well, at least, it's my own hair.

- Ah! - Aah!

You're dead man.

- Oh, you said it. - I'm gonna kill you.

- Fine. - Fine.

[chuckling]

Well, Marlon

I tell you, we started out to cook gumbo

but ended up frying two hams.

[chuckling]

That's a good one, Shawn. One for you.

Whoa, that hurt.

But we'll be right back with more live with.

- Shawn.. - And Marlon.

- Inour - Inour

[beep]

[hip hop music]

Have a mighty fine day.

Now, you boys sure blew the lid off of Ken and Kiki.

I can't believe you gave up all that fame

and glamour just for me.

Hey, well, it wouldn't have been worth it without you, pop.

Yeah, 'cause we have no idea how to make your gumbo.

Well, Dee.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to quit.

Why? You're doing so well.

Well, I have a strict policy

never to get involved with the women that I work with.

[kisses]

You call me, sweet thing.

[sniffles]

(in unison) Ooh.

- Oh, no, he didn't, girl. - Oh, no, he didn't, girl.

There won't ever be anything between us.

[chuckling]

Hey, yo, man, this dude must think

this place is a library or something.

Well, tell him to buy somethin' or peace out.

It's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You watch a real G at work.

Get your strong on, boy.

Yeah.

Hey, yo, punk!

- You talking to me? - No, her.

Hey, old grandma, you buy something

or you peace out.

Ah!

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.