Original subtitles

- Morning, honey bun. - Oh, Todd! Close the flap!

- You're letting the light in. - What is go... Prudence.

You've been in here for days.

Please don't tell me you're going crazy.

I am too young to have a wife

I have to hide in the attic.

No, it's not that.

Zeke and I had an awkward conversation in Branchwater

and I've kind of been avoiding him.

Hey... as long as it's not a "me" problem,

I really don't care.

Hmm.

I don't remember taking this.

Oh, you don't need to look at that.

- Let's go get some breakfast. - No, what is this?

It's like a small black circle

with two large white orbs on either side.

Todd! Is this your butt?

I'm sorry, okay?

I went to the bathroom in tall grass

and I was worried I got a tick on my butt.

It was the only way that I could look back there.

- What... where are you going? - Gross.

Prudence, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to... oh, boy.

Yep. Tick city. Location: My butt.

Population: A lot.

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Prudence. Long time, no see.

Oh, me? Just chillin'.

Stupid.

Hey, Prudence.

Hey! Hey... uch.

- Hey, Zeke. - Just chillin'!

- What? - Nothing.

So, anyway, I, um...

I really appreciate you

sharing your feelings with me in Branchwater.

I really do, but we could never be a thing.

It's not like I could get a divorce.

I'd be a social pariah forever, and

you don't want to be known as the wife-stealing reverend.

So, I think it would be best for both of us

if you just moved on.

Yeah, no. Of course you're right.

Obviously, this is for the best.

So we can go back to being friends?

- No more drama? - No more drama.

Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!

Come on!

I'll handle this.

I'm a real bitch before I've had my coffee.

Congratulations.

You've just been robbed by...

- Trig's gang. - Trig?

Hey, honey, it's me! Benny!

- Dad? - Holy smokes!

What are the odds of us

running into each other out here?

Come on, give your old man a hug.

I thought you were dead.

Yeah, well, surprise.

Guys! It's Benny!

Ha ha ha ha! Benny!

Hey, guys!

- Aw, it's great to see you! - Hey!

Wow! The old gang's back together.

I'm sorry. You're not upset about the whole, uh...

"Shooting me in the back and leaving me for dead" thing?

Nah, that's cool.

I get why you did it.

- Uh, you do? - Sure!

I mean, one less guy to split the gold with.

That's just smart business.

I know you didn't mean anything personal.

- Right. Nothing personal. - Hey, Benny!

Our new hideout's not far from here.

You should come over!

Oh, I don't know about that, guys.

No, I'm sure Benny has a full plate, so...

Actually, I'd love to come.

I really missed you. It'd be great to reconnect.

Yeah.

- Why would I have a problem with that? - Yeah!

Spending time with the father I tried to murder.

Hey, everyone, I'm gonna go hang out with my daughter.

You guys good?

No.

Eh, they're good.

Why did he ask?

What do we do now? They took everything.

Ahoy there!

Ahoy! Whoa.

Looks like you folks

hit a spot of trouble.

Yes, we were just robbed by bandits.

Aw, that's awful! Brothers and sisters,

let's give these poor people a hand.

?? Holy, holy, holy ??

That's a lot of brothers and sisters.

We are Noonans.

I'm the prophet Jedidiah.

God spoke to me and asked me

to lead my people to the west

to escape religious persecution.

That's a pretty bold claim,

that God speaks directly to you.

I'm sorry, hold on. God's calling.

Yes, God? Hello?

Yeah, I'm with some people right now.

Are you talking to God right now?

Can you please tell him I'm a huge fan?

Reverend Ezekiel Brown says hi.

Reverend Ezekiel Brown says hi, God.

- God says hi. - Nice!

Okay, God, bye-bye.

I'm so sorry about that.

- No. - Hey, would you folks mind

if we fixed up your wagons and replenished your supplies?

Are you... sure! I mean, that is a huge favor.

Are you kidding? You will be doing us a favor!

There is nothing we Noonans like more

than to help people in need.

Please?

Oh, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Sure, go ahead. - You hear that, Noonans?

Let's show them how we say thank you.

Thank you.

Uh.

Oh, okay.

I'm Phaedra.

I take it you are the...

spiritual leader of your group?

Well, I don't know if I'd call myself the leader, per se.

Most people tend to ignore or openly scorn me.

Well, I find it quite attractive.

Huh.

Maybe today won't be so bad after all.

So, this is the new lair.

Aw, damn, Trig! This is swank! Ha!

Well, under my leadership,

the gang is doing better than ever.

We're up in every sector...

Robberies, murders, trains exploded.

- Nice. - Mm-hmm.

Though there's a little too much sunlight

getting in for my taste.

I mean, shouldn't a bandits' lair be

more spooky-scary?

Okay, studies show that bandits

are more productive in a well-lit workspace.

Plus, we're not always shooting each other by mistake

like we were in the old lair.

Oh. Well, that's good, I guess.

Oh, my God.

- What'd you do with the treasure? - I organized it.

This way it's easier to find what you're looking for.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're missing the whole point of having treasure.

It's gotta be in a big sloppy pile

preferably with a skull on top

- with big rubies for eyes. - Dad!

I'm glad that you want to reconnect,

but this is my gang now.

We're doing things my way.

And if you can't respect that, you're welcome to leave.

No, okay, I get it. You're in charge.

I am zipping my lips and throwing away the key.

- Okay. - And I'm shooting the key.

And I'm burying it in an unmarked grave.

Hey folks! Look what I found outside,

snooping around.

Dingus, what are you doing here?

I was following you, you big jerk.

I didn't realize you were leading me into a bandits' lair.

Sorry, are you two friends or something?

Us?

No, we're mortal enemies.

Yeah, we understand each other,

but we also very much want to kill each other.

Speaking of which, gang?

It's execution time.

All right!

What did we just talk about?

I forgot. You're in charge.

You say it.

Gang, it... It's execution time.

- Yeah. - Okay. Here we go.

What? That was good, pumpkin.

I thought it was good.

Really, this is just incredible.

We cannot thank you enough.

Oh, it's truly our pleasure.

And I hope you don't mind me saying, but I love your dress.

Oh, thank you. It's the color of the heavens.

It's almost time for my hourly prayers,

but, I'll see you later?

You certainly will.

Man, these Noonans are freaks, huh?

One of them literally keeps trying to comb my hair.

Actually, I think they're really good people.

And you'll be happy to know I took your advice

and I'm going on a date with one of them later.

Wow! Wait, that's great.

I'm so glad you found somebody,

so... quickly.

- What are the odds, right? - Yeah.

Well, I should go and change into my date collar.

See you later, Pru. Thank you again.

Don't mention it.

Bleagh! I said get away from me!

God bless!

I've never met anyone who likes

the Book of Obadiah as much as I do!

I am a huge Obadiah nerd.

The fall of Edom gets me every time.

Tut tut! Remember to leave three feet for God.

Our Lord has very wide hips.

Hey, guys.

I wanted to meet Zeke's mystery lady

I've been hearing so much about.

Yeah! Uh, Phaedra, this is my friend Prudence.

Oh, well, best friend. More than that, really.

Uh, so, Phaedra, what's your deal, girl?

- Uh, my deal? - Yeah, you know.

Like, uh, what do you like to do for fun?

Oh, um... I don't have fun.

I mostly just stare at the wall

and dwell on the nature of guilt.

Yeesh. Real live wire over here.

You dwell on guilt? Me, too.

It is one of my favorite forms of shame.

Really? How do you feel about self-denial?

I love it. It's like,

how much stuff do you actually need, self?

Right? So little!

Goals.

Seems like you two have a lot to talk about,

so I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go.

- Nice to meet you. - Okay, quick.

What is your favorite way of cleansing sin?

One, two, three.

Mortification of the flesh!

Tut tut tut!

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, your fingers are like magic, Josiah.

Oh, Prudence. How great are these Noonans?

They'll do anything you ask if you say that you're in need,

which as you know, I am. Hey!

Careful with the nails, Jethro.

I'm so poor.

What does Zeke like about that girl?

A bowl of oatmeal in a wig

would have more personality than her.

Well, I mean, the Reverend's a pretty boring guy, too,

so it seems like the perfect match.

Whatever. It's just one date.

It's not like they're getting married.

Glorious news, brothers and sisters.

Ezekiel and Phaedra

found their first date satisfactory.

So the wedding will commence this afternoon.

- What? - Noonans!

Let's show them how we say congratulations.

Congratulations.

Don't stop.

Any last words?

Eh...

Maybe.

You know what? No, I'm good.

Then tell the devil...

Trig says hi.

Yeah, okay.

Yes, Dad, is there a problem?

What? No. You're doing great.

Okay, then.

Tell the devil Trig says hi.

Oh, God. Excuse me.

Okay, clearly you have something to say,

so why don't you just say it?

Okay, it's just...

can we do something better than shooting him?

Anybody can shoot a guy.

I mean, where's the showmanship?

What about tying him to the train tracks,

or throw him off a cliff? Something.

This is the way I like to kill people.

It is clean. It is efficient.

"I'm Trig, the efficiency machine.

What is the square root of killing a guy?"

Okay, I don't sound like that.

You know what might be fun?

Take a big rock and just drop it on him.

- That's fun. - What if we tie his limbs

to horses and rip him apart?

What if we do something bad to his penis?

Actually, could you just shoot me?

We could make him sit on some knives.

- He'd bleed from his butt. - Now we're cooking. What else?

Feed him to the alligators. In the desert?

You ain't got alligators out here?

Cut off his legs and call him Shorty.

Or we can just let him go.

Who said that?

Hey, Zeke, can I talk to you for a sec?

I'm sorry. Is this stripper puttingonclothes?

Yes, the Noonans are throwing me

a traditional Noonan bachelor party

and technically she's a dresser, not a stripper.

- Put it on, baby! - Oopsies.

Zeke, are you sure about this whole marriage thing?

I know it seems quick, but Phaedra and I

have so much in common.

It's like I'm marrying my sister!

Uh, yeah, that's not usually the goal.

Don't you want to be with someone

you have chemistry with?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm confused.

You were the one telling me I should move on.

Now I've done that and you're being really weird about it.

I'm just looking out for you, as a friend.

Okay, well, thanks, Pru,

but Phaedra's the right person for me.

Ezekiel! Get over here!

Ooh! Gotta make it rain!

Alms for the poor?

Yeah! God bless you.

Now this is an execution...

Death by fire ants.

Uch. I really hate you for this one, Benny.

I still don't see how this is any better

than just shooting him.

What? This is way cooler.

Back me up here, Dingus.

Yeah, I hate to say it, but this is cooler.

Now to apply the honey, and let the ant buffet begin.

Aah!

Oh, oh, oh, here. Why don't you do the honors?

Oh, no. Why don't you do it?

I mean, clearly you're running the gang now.

Don't be like that. You're still in charge.

- You can do it. - No, you do it.

Maybe we should just pick it up tomorrow.

- Just do it! - No, I don't want to do it.

- Don't be a baby and do it! - I said, I don't want to!

- God! - Yeesh.

You want to know the real reason I shot you in the back?

It's because everything always has to be about you.

I was always second fiddle to the great Benny the Teen!

And you're so egotistical, you can't stand the idea

that I might be better at leading the gang than you!

And now, I'm crying

in front of the prisoner, so that's just great.

Oh, no, don't mind me. I'm just looking at the dirt.

You all suck.

Trig! What...

Drama!

Am I right, guys?

Welcome to Brother Ezekiel

and Sister Phaedra's rehearsal lunch.

Let me tell you, my girl Phaedra

can get a little crazy.

Oh, no! Here it comes.

Like when she organized a church crawl,

and prayed at 15 chapels in one night.

I got so... rewarded.

This is insane.

It's like he's a completely different person with her.

Sorry, dear, did you say something?

I can't hear you with the fan in my ear.

Well, don't stop. I'm a hot little baby.

You are going to be the meekest bride ever.

I love you like a sister wife.

Aw!

Hey, everybody. Zeke's bestie here.

Sorry to interrupt the swell time

we're all not having.

Whoo. Tough crowd.

She's bombing.

So, I know Phaedra thinks she's marrying

this upright man of God,

but I actually know a different Zeke.

Where are... where are you going with this, Pru?

For example, everyone sees Zeke

as this very proper guy, and he is,

except for when he eats too many beans on the trail

and becomes Colonel Fartington.

I don't know what she's talking about.

Oh, come on! Yes, you do.

I do declare,

I've made a stinky in my pantaloons!

I don't do the accent!

Who's Colonel Fartington?

Zeke likes to say, "Early to bed, early to rise,"

but I've seen this night owl

stay up until past 9:00.

That's not too bad.

- Thirty! - What?!

What are you doing? And I've saved the dirtiest

little secret for last.

Pru, please, don't.

Because my man Zeke is a full-blown,

raging...

chocoholic!

What the?

I had a small thing for malt balls,

but I am good now, I swear.

I didn't even know who you are anymore!

No! Phaedra! I've been clean for months!

What was that?! You just ruined my marriage!

That girl was a dud. I'm doing you a favor.

How is that a favor? You reject me,

and then you take away my only other chance at love?

I'm just trying to be your friend.

Well, how about this?

Next time you want to be my friend, just don't.

You are a good bandit.

You've stolen lots of money.

Knock, knock.

What do you want?

I've been thinking about what you said earlier,

and, uh, I really do want us to have a good relationship.

And I think I finally see where you're coming from.

And?

You're upset because I...

well, I'm good at leading the gang,

and well, you kinda suck at it.

See, I'm a natural-born alpha

with competence and charisma to spare,

and you're more of a beta follower type.

I know it must be so hard living in the shadow

of someone who's better than you in every single way,

but sweetie, the sooner that you can accept it,

then the sooner we can get back

to having a good relationship.

Wow, that felt so good to get off my chest.

Hear this, Benny.

You and I will never have a relationship.

As far as I'm concerned, you're dead to me.

Do you understand that?

Dead!

Well, that didn't go as well as I expected.

All right, look, it's getting late.

I should probably, uh...

Oh, uh... want this back over there?

- Or should I leave it here? - Get out!

I'll just leave it here.

Not in the back, okay?

Hey, Zeke.

We're gathered here today to witness...

What's going on?

I thought the wedding was off.

Oh, it is.

Phaedra took some time to get over the breakup,

but eventually she moved on and found somebody new.

- Wow. These people move fast. - Mm.

It's okay, though.

Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone.

I know you were just looking out for my happiness.

If anyone has a reason

why these two should not be wed,

please speak now, or forever hold your peace.

I do.

Phaedra, you need to give Zeke another chance.

I know I said some vaguely damning things about him,

but he is an incredible guy.

He's kind and thoughtful and caring.

Truth is...

any woman would be crazy not to be with him

if she had the chance.

Josiah, I'm sorry.

My heart belongs to another.

Makes sense.

Ezekiel, get up here.

- Thank you, Pru. - Yeah.

If you can move out, thanks.

Well, Sister Phaedra,

do you take Brother Ezekiel

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

- I do. - And do you, Ezekiel,

take Sister Phaedra to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- I do. - I now pronounce you

man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Tut, tut, tut!

Leave three inches for God.

He likes a good triple kiss.

Thanks, Pru.

What's going on here?

Uh, we ran into an extremist religious sect,

and Zeke married one of them.

Oh. That's cool.

How'd it go with Trig?

Not great. She basically wrote me out

of her life forever, so... yeah.

Yeah.

Wanna get totally shitfaced?

I thought you'd never ask.

Ahh... mmm...

Well, Noonans, it is time for us

to continue on our journey.

What's happening?

No. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

No, no, Jedidiah, no, no, no.

You can't leave, okay? I've become accustomed

to the Noonans servicing my every whim.

Mr. Aberdeen, you don't need our help.

You look like you're back on your feet again.

No, I'm not, though!

I still need help. I'm a very sick person,

both physically and morally.

I'm unkind towards children!

Well, that's not something we can help you with.

I have impure thoughts about my mother.

There, I said it.

I think she's hot and I want her bad.

No one's asking you to say these things.

Please just leave us alone.

I kissed a dog because I was lonely, once.

Okay, fine! It was a bunch,

- and it was nice. - Okay, we're leaving.

The dog and I had a long-lasting

and meaningful relationship!

Does that do anything for you?

Please don't go!

Noonans!