Original subtitles

[panting]

[panting]

♪

[panting]

[gunshot]

[grunting]

[gunshot]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[gun cocks]

Whoa! Oh, no!

Oh, whoa!

Whoa!

[screaming]

[screaming]

♪

Wow.

[laughs]

Here's the next option.

1943.

This dress is from the '40s?

- Yes. - Wow.

Let's try it on.

This one's nice.

It feels a little different.

I might have to take up the back or something.

This is a very special dress.

1943, it was made to order

for the famous opera singer Mary Lou Freeman.

Wow.

Unfortunately, the night before her wedding,

she drowned in her bathtub,

so it's never been worn.

Are you serious?

Brand new.

It actually looks amazing.

[screams]

[laughs]

Yeah! We did it!

That is how it's done here.

That was so good. You were so good.

Really? While I'm trying on wedding dresses?

That was so good.

That was our best prank ever.

You were just a part of the best Branded prank ever.

Everybody, if you like what you see,

that's what this blog is all about.

Twice a week coming at you, fresh pranks.

Let's tell everybody how good that was.

Everyone at home, we love you!

Allie, she loves you!

You got Branded! Boom!

♪

[screams]

All right, everybody, thanks for tuning in,

I'm Christian Brand.

Hey, it's Chris Brand. Hey, it's Chris Brand!

Chris Brand.

I am here today with Christian Brand,

the mastermind YouTube sensation,

with 10 million YouTube subscribers.

That's a pretty big deal.

How does that even happen?

[screams]

Raises the blood pressure, makes you feel alive.

Doesn't have to be that hard, everyone.

You just have to acknowledge what you love

and what you want to be.

Christian, how do you think your channel

differs from anyone else's?

Oh, that's easy.

Alison is the key to my success

and the channel's success.

It really is up to her.

Allie is the love of my life,

and I have built my business around my love.

For generations, her family has had

this connection to the paranormal world.

It goes back to her distant, distant relatives.

They were actually famous mediums

in the early 1900s and helped other people.

Look at this guy. That's me when I was a teenager.

If I could go back and tell him one thing,

I would say stop caring what people think,

because that's the moment everything changed for me.

What's next for you guys?

Oh, it's going to bean interesting year.

We are really going to up the game to a whole new level.

With the technology today, you can create real opportunities

with the people you love, doing what you love.

[Old man speaking indistinctly]

This is a partnership,

but you are both coming here from different perspectives.

There will be ups and downs in making this pregnancy work.

When a couple decides

they're going to have fertility treatment,

the key is to eliminate any unnecessary stress.

[door closes]

Wow! Doc, I got to tell you, that viewing selection

is pretty limited.

It's all cowgirls.

Every different video is different cowgirls.

Giddy up.

This is all there is?

Yeah.

You didn't spill any?

Spill any? No.I didn't spill any.

Hm.

[laughs]

I'm just messing with you!

[laughs]

[all laugh]

How much is this going to cost?

30,000, get fucked.

Okay, 28,000.

Not a big difference.

I don't know why you’re so upset.

Did you not do the research?

I have not.

Chris?

Jessie! Whoa! Look at you! Holy shit!

Look at your hair! It's so long!

I almost didn’t recognize you!

I know, man! You got a beard!

This is my fiance, Alison.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you, Alison.

What the hell are you doing in an IVF clinic?

Oh my god, you haven't met David.

I have a fiance now.

- What? - Congratulations.

- Congrats, man. - Thank you.

- We bought a church. - You bought a church?

Yeah. It's a little rustic, but we fell in love with it.

- Wow. - Yeah.

We actually sold our studio and moved to the country.

You live in a church?

Yeah.

Oh my god, you two should come up.

[both]I mean...

It sounds really nice. Yes.

- Great! It's done. - We're in.

Awesome. We're going to have so much fun.

Yeah!

You all, just want to say thank you.

We just hit 10 million subscribers,

so keep hitting that like, keep clicking subscribe,

because we're going to keep coming at you twice a week

from the Christian Brand Show.

- I'm Chris. - Chris.

What?

Let's you and I make a deal.

Oh, all right.

That my body can't be under any stress,

not if we want this treatment to work,

so I need you and I

to come to an understanding

that you will no longer prank me.

What?

Treatment starts next week, and we can't really afford

for it not to work, so you got to stop pranking me.

How can we be done with pranks?

You're the star of our prank channel.

It doesn't make any fucking sense.

What are you talking about?

Here's a deal.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll stop pranking you when we start IVF.

Deal.

No.

No, not when we start, Chris, now.

I need you to promise now,

no pranks this weekend at Jessie's.

What?

No more pranks. Ever.

What do you guys think? Chris Brand here.

Allie wants to quit pranking forever.

Should I make Allie a deal?

What do you think I should do?

Let me know! Send me your emails!

Send me your comments!

Subscribe and invite your friends and get their input

and let me know if I should quit pranking

and fuck this channel off forever!

Gondaprofian? Petroliolium?

Ugh!

All this medication, just for one little baby.

Did you bring it all?

Yeah, I brought it all.

Why?

[Allie] I don't know how to give a needle.

Have you ever given someone a needle?

I have not.

Exactly.

But, I'll stick it to you.

Ew!

I'll just grab your belly and pierce the flesh.

Gross!

You're a ridiculous person.

That's insulting.

We should make this weekend a location scout for the wedding.

You mean use Jessie's place?

Yeah, if it's cute.

It could be a cheaper venue option sure,

and since you're refusing to let me produce

the type of content that our viewers are used to seeing

every Tuesday and Thursday, we need to scale back.

I'm not just talking about the wedding,

but everything, because we don't want to end up

fucking poor.

Do you really want to be a 40-year-old prankster?

Figure all of this out right now, right?

Let's just have one last fun weekend.

I want to drink a little wine.

Let's make a fucking baby!

You area ridiculous person.

Wow.

It's a fucking church.

[sings Hallelujah Chorus]

[David] Hello, hello. Welcome, you sexy people.

[Allie]Oh, you must be David.

[David] That's right.Welcome. Come on in.

- It's freezing. - Thank you.

- Welcome, guys. - Thank you.

Oh man, wow. This is awesome.

[David]Something else.

Alison.

Christian.

- David. - That's right.

- Are those for us? - Yes.

All right. Thank you very much.

They're real. Thanks.

- You're welcome. - Okay, stop.

Look at the both of you.

Fucking hot shit.

Real celebrities, in my church.

Celebrity. God bless.

Fucking gorgeous, in real life.

So neat to see this.

Real, you know.

You're always this big in a YouTube thing.

Just kidding around.

Fucking hot shit, man. I am fucking stoked.

All right, I'm going to throw these in some water.

This should be interesting.

[David] Did you guys hear from Jessie?

Nope.

[David]Oh. Yeah, he's-

Oh!

[David] His flight was delayed by an hour,

but he'll be herein a bit hopefully.

Did Jessie sculpt this?

Yeah. Don't touch that!

I'm just kidding.

Actually, don't touch it.

Don't touch anything!

- Jesus! - What?

- Don't fucking scare me! - Okay, sorry.

Sorry.

Jessie does scary monster makeup?

[David]Yeah, he's pretty good at it.

That's so cool!

[David]I'm kind of over it.

You're a fucking dick.

[loud clang]

Sorry.

I made cocktails!

Fantastic.

Yes!

- There you go. - Thank you.

They're super boozy.

Cheers.

How old is this place?

It's old.

Really fucking old.

What's all this?

Okay, hold on.

Everything around here, it's all Jessie's.

This is mine, because I am a metal detectorist,

and these are my treasures.

You're a what?

Like a dirt digger, like a professional treasure hunter.

Oh. You get paid for that?

Yeah. I get paid in treasure.

This is an American

1880 Indian head penny.

Somebody came to this church,

dropped it, 100 years go by,

it's been sitting there in the dirt.

I find it.

That is my payment.

I don't like it. It's creepy.

It's not creepy. It's awesome.

Do you want to see something creepy though?

Yeah.

Come here.

Place is awesome.

What do you see out there?

Trees, fire pit.

- It's a graveyard. - Get the fuck out of here.

[David]I'm serious.

Long time ago it was a full graveyard.

Over time all the tombstones fell apart,

so they had to take them all away,

but they left all the bodies in the ground.

Are you serious?

Oh yeah! Look at this!

Queen size!

- Chris! - What?

This place, it's terrifying.

Come on, it's cute.

All right, I told you what Jessie did for a living.

You said he did makeup.

Exactly.

No, you made it sound like he was doing high fashion.

No, that was your interpretation.

I said Jessie is a makeup artist.

That's exactly what I said word for word,

"Jessie is a makeup artist."

Babe.

All right, I didn't know he was making monsters here.

I swear to god, I didn't know.

I promise, I didn't know.

Just don't fucking prank me.

I won't.

Why is he so weird?

I think he’s kind of funny.

[whistling]

[David]I can hear you.

I'm coming from the vent through the floor.

Warmer. Warmer.

Oh, look at that, now I can see you.

Just so you know, if you either want to cover up

the vent with the carpet or just tone it down a little bit,

and then you got your privacy.

Good tip.

I'll let you know when dinner's ready,

through the floor!

Sounds good.

[David]Fuck, really?

Can they do anything about it?

What time? Fuck!

Just tell them that you’re going to get fired or something.

Okay, that's real good.

Hi, guys. You clean up very nice, don't you?

Go take a seat, pour some wine.

I'll bring dinner over in a minute then.

Smells good.

What time we talking then?

You won't get here until 9:00.

I know. Did you get the whiskey?

Okay. Fuck.

Bye.

Okay, I got good new sand I got bad news.

What do you want first?

Bad news.

[David] Jessie missed his connecting flight.

He's not getting here until 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

That's a bummer.

Yeah.

What's the good news?

Dinner's ready!

Mussels from Brussels.

What?

This one's allergic.

Allergic? To what?

Bivalves.

Bivalves? Those are mussels.

Yeah, mussels, scallops, clams, anything that can have it.

Oh. Gluten-free too?

Yeah, gluten-free, dairy-free,

don't eat pork, no beef really.

Pescatarian mainly.

[both laugh]

Same with you?

Mm-mm.

I love mussels.

I love them.

I never get to eat them. This is great.

Bring them over.

She can have my share. That's great.

That's great. Yeah.

Do you not like potatoes too?

Oh, I like potatoes when they’re in French fries.

Okay, they're frites, so...

Mm mm mm, that's good!

I haven't had mussels in forever.

I know. They're so good.

- They look good. - Tasty.

Whoa.

I like it. You like them?

- Amazing. Delicious. - You like the sauce, eh?

So delicious, oh yeah.

How are your fries, babe?

Delicious.

With the mayonnaise, so good.

Yeah, they didn’t really turn out

as well as I wanted anyways.

- They're fantastic. -It's okay. You know what?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

You okay?

I'm fine. This is great.

To have you guys sitting here is weird

because I'm a huge fan of your videos.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

I couldn't believe that Jessie

actually went to school with you.

When he told me that, I was blown away,

because I've seen every one of them.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

It's really incredible how the channel took off.

There are millions of people all over the world

that just love to see people terrorized.

You know we hit 10 million subscribers.

- Woo! - Do you know why?

Because people love to watch other people

experience dread.

The environment's a mess, plastic everywhere,

Nazis coming out of the woodwork, school shootings.

It's a fucking mess.

That's why.

People like to be scared.

You're really amazing.

- Amazingly talented. - Thanks.

Kind of like a scare wizard.

Scare wizard?

That's good.

I love that.

Yeah! That's awesome.

I'm going to use that.

Is it true that you actually believe in ghosts for real?

I believe that there's-

100% true.

Talking about? Tell him, hon. Tell him about your family.

Her grandfather was a, he's a water...

- What is it? - Douser.

A water douser. You know what that means?

It means he took a stick

and God and found water under the ground.

He helped a lot of people.

Like a water detectorist.

- Exactly. - No. Yes.

And she has five aunts.

They're all mediums, which means they think

they have this connection to the other world.

Do you know what that means?

Holy shit.

Can you read my mind?

Yeah, you're fucking crazy.

That's not nice.

You're charming.

Anyway, without her, wouldn't be possible.

I owe it all to you.

Does the internet pay really well for that?

It's good.

No.

Not about the money.

All this stress, these pranks put so much stress on me.

No baby's going to want to grow in my belly.

We got to stop. I'm out. I'm done.

That's it.

We're out of the game, on to bigger and better.

Stop.

She's a little tipsy.

You know,

I just listened to a whole podcast

on how alcohol actually lowers your inhibitions,

can make you horny for your partner,

make you want to fuck your partner.

That's the best way to make a baby.

Okay, but just pull the carpet over the vent.

All right.

There's two ways to skin a cat here.

One, go to bed early with the vegan.

[Allie]Boo!

Okay, or you could fucking tear it up.

Ding ding ding.

Plan B!

Woo!

You want to step to me? It's a travesty.

Go get your leash, little bitch.

Let me take you for a walk and pee,

because I'm busting this mic the way that I bust up your cock.

Stroke suck tick tock, it's fucking dick o'clock,

and now I'm all up in this fucking weirdo's face,

but don't you worry, man,

sit back while I terrorize your place!

Oh!

Yeah!

[all cheering and laughing]

Okay, I'm up next.

All right.

Woo!

[all laugh]

♪

Oh!

Have you guys ever done mushrooms?

Mm-hmm.

This is a gluten-free tea beverage.

[all laugh]

It's like mushrooms.

There's saffron in it and then some other thing.

It's less like, and more like.

There's no bivalves,

so unless you’re allergic to hot water.

Heat makes the pressure.

It's like a pressure cooker.

I light this up.

The water's going to go...

Oh! Yeah!

It's hot!

Bleh.

What the fuck was that, dude?

♪

Really?

I can see you.

- What? - Fuck!

Whoa. You okay?

What is it?

I saw something. I thought it was you.

I'm right here.

I know.

Whatever's in that shot was super strong.

No, Chris, I'm seeing shit.

I am fucked.

Yeah.

I know.

- Whoa. - Yeah, things are moving.

Chris, whoa.

Yeah. I know.

I'm tripping. I'm fucked up.

Does your skin feel weird?

Yeah.

Like melty?

Yeah.

What was in that shot?

I came up hereto tell you something.

Something.

You're the best.

You are.

What you said in the car, you're right.

You're right.

What'd I say in the car?

About being a 40-year-old prankster.

Fuck that. I'm not-

- Fuck that! - Yeah.

I'm going bigger and better.

Yes.

I cannot stop thinking about what you said at dinner.

What'd I say at dinner?

What you said

about getting pregnant.

I want to get pregnant.

Me too.

- I want to be pregnant. - Yeah.

You're the most

beautiful thing l've ever seen.

You're absolutely the best thing ever to happen to me.

I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

Totally appreciate you.

What? What?

Where's David?

He's passed out on the couch.

[coughs]

[coughs]

[screams]

Chris.

Chris.

[roars]

[yells]

[yelling]

[yelling]

[grunts]

Alison?

[shivering]

[grunts]

Fuck.

[grunts]

Al!

David!

Fuck.

Anybody!

Alison!

Heat.

[grunts]

David!

Alison!

Al!

Fuck are you guys?

Hello!

Fuck.

Allie! Allie!

What the fuck!

What are you doing?

Hey! Hey!

Allie! Allie! What are you doing?

Hey. Hey. What the fuck?

What are you doing, Allie?

Al. Alison.

What happened to you?

Talk to me! What happened? Why were you outside?

We've got to go.

Allie, fine.

Just the fucking asshole gave us some bad shit.

All right?

You're going tobe all right?

I'm going to find that fucker.

I'm going to get the power on.

You're okay.

Okay. All right.

I'll be back in two minutes.

Okay?

Okay?

[humming]

Oh yeah. Okay.

Fuck.

There's no power in here, Al.

Al?

Alison! Al!

Alison!

Hey! What are you doing?

How long have we been here?

I don't know, 10, 12 hours.

What? You okay?

What?

The flowers.

Oh, fuck.

Where's my phone? It was in my pocket.

Where's my phone at?

Where is it?

You got yours?

No.

Where's my watch? Where's my watch?

Who fucking cares about your watch!

It's not here! Where's your phone? What day is it?

Where's your phone? What day is it?

My phone's gone too!

Let's see. Look in your purse. Look in your purse?

- Yes!-Huh?

Yes!

I got to find out what day it is, Al.

We need to get out of here, okay?

Maybe it's downstairs.

Where is it, Al? Do you see it?

- I don't know! - Fuck.

I'm looking, okay!

Fuck!

[Allie]Let's just go!

Fuck!

Chris, let's just go!

Chris, I just want to get out of here!

Give me a second, all right!

Keep looking for the phone, please!

[Allie]I am! Where did you put it?

If I knew where I put it, I wouldn't be asking you

to look for it, would I?

Chris!

Ah!

Why are you fucking around with a radio?

Huh? That's what I'm doing.

[radio] We'll see temperatures quiet throughout the day

before dropping again this evening.

That's your morning update for today, April 6th.

Did he just say it was the 6th?

It means we've been here for four days.

Oh, fuck!

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

It's all right.

We've got to get out of here!

We've got to get out of here!

We find the phones, Al.

Stay with me. Stay with me.

Let's find the phone. Okay?

Do you have the keys?

Yeah.

Then can we please just get the fuck out of here!

Where's the car?

If you have the keys, how can the fucking car be gone?

I don't know!

Chris. We need to call the cops.

With what? We don't have our phones.

Even if I had them, I can't charge them!

There's no power!

What? What?

My charger.

Yeah!

All right! We got power!

Find the phones. Come on.

All right. Okay. Look upstairs.

Our phones have to be here, so look everywhere.

Everywhere!

Dammit!

[Allie]Chris!

You find it?

What the fuck is this?

[Chris]This isn't me.

Don't mess with me.

This is on.

What?

Motherfucker.

David!

David! Where you at?

Huh?

We figured you out, bitch!

Where your cameras at?

David!

I'm waiting right here for you!

Come get me!

Trying to prank me, huh?

What's your master plan now?

You got cameras in here, huh?

Come on, get me!

David! Where you at?

[radio static]

[radio static]

[grunting through the radio]

[screams]

[screams]

Al! Al! Al! Al!

What?

Get me the fuck out of here!

The fucking car, you piece of shit!

Believe this shit. You all right?

Fuck! Goddammit.

[muttering]

What?

Do you have the medicine?

Ah!

Goddammit!

Fuck you!

We're going back.

- No. - Yes, we are.

- We're going back. Come on. - I can't go back.

Let's go. Yes, we can.

- Come on. - I can't.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

You can do this. Come on.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

- Come on! - I can't! I can't!

I'm not going to let them hurt you, okay?

You didn't see it.

I saw it. I saw it.

You're not going to go in the house.

You're going to wait outside.

I'm going to go in, and you’re going to wait outside.

All right?

I'm going to get our medicine back, okay?

For us.

I'm going to do that.

I have to do that.

Okay.

I love you.

I'll be right back.

All right?

Okay.

[screams]

[screams]

Al!

[screams]

[screams]

Allie!

Allie!

[screams]

Allie!

Allie!

Allie!

Allie.

Allie. Allie.

Hey. What happened? Are you okay?

What happened? Are you all right?

What happened? Hey. Oh, fuck.

What happened to you?

Look.

How is there power here?

What is this?

A fucking generator.

Who is this?

[Allie]It's us.

What do you mean it's us?

He's taping us?

Everything.

What you mean everything?

He taped everything.

[Chris]Oh, fuck. Are you shitting me?

You fuck!

Fuck.

What is this?

Sinners Red Room.

"Expect fun games, mingle and torture as promised.

Take part in this once in a lifetime opportunity."

Spectator, one Bitcoin, Commander 10 Bitcoins.

Fuck.

This is Tor.

This is the Dark Web.

"A weekend with David."

Are you kidding me?

How many cameras you got here.

You fucker.

Oh, fuck.

You motherfucker.

Fuck.

Who the fuck are you?

Fuck you!

No.

Don't look at this. Don't look at this.

Don't look at this.

Motherfucker.

Season Three?

Oh my god.

Fuck.

Blah blah blah.

David?

David.

Chris!

Holy shit!

I think he's still alive!

Fuck!

Jessie? Jessie?

Fuck!

Oh, fuck, man.

Oh, shit.

Sit up.

Can you sit up?

Can you sit up?

Get this off of him.

Get this off of him.

All right. Okay.

Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, no.

What the fuck?

Just go down. Just go down.

You're not supposed to be down here, yet.

Where do you think you’re going?

We're not done filming with you.

Wait a minute. Are you scared?

Scaredy pants.

You look really cute when you're scared.

Please don't shoot, don't shoot, don't shoot.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

"Don't kill me."

Don't you know that creating a life

is a privilege granted by God?

Jeepers creepers,

where did you get those peepers?

Okay.

What have we got here?

Oh, that's gross.

Ew!

These people are sick.

Stand up! Stand up!

Do it, just do it.

Okay. All right.

Get ready for your close up!

♪

Now you're going to dance for me, okay?

Oh come on, dance.

Come on.

Don't be shy.

You'll be great.

There's a lot of people watching.

Oh come on. Dance.

It's just you.Dance. Come on.

Shake those lady hips.

Come on. Dance.

[sobs]

[sobs]

Let go of...

Fucker!

[sobs]

You are amazing.

♪

It's okay, Allie. It's okay.

Wow. That's some talent.

♪

[grunting and sobbing]

Look at her. She's a star.

We're making her famous.

♪ Now she's gone, like the turtle dove ♪

♪ In the pines, in the pines, in the pines ♪

♪ And I say grace that lies on the hill ♪

♪ I know she's cold and fast

Wow!

You are so interesting.

Looks like we found our new lead,

so that's a wrap on Jessie.

[laughs]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

Shit!

Fuck you!

[screams]

♪ I ever loved

♪ Was taken away from me ♪

[gunshot]

[sobs]

[engine revs]

[grunting]

[grunting]

Okay!

Okay! Let go!

[sobbing]

[gags]

Fucking bitch!

[sobbing]

Fuck! Ow!

Fuck!

Ow!

Okay!

Oh, fuck!

I'm gonna get you!

[gags]

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

One, two, three.

Ah!

[screams]

Ah, fuck!

Oh!

Okay.

Fuck.

Okay.

I'm going to fucking get you!

[gunshot]

[laughs]

[cheers]

Look at you now!

[laughs]

Boom!

Looks like the episode’s going to end pretty good!

I'm going to go get you, you fucking bitch!

Fuck! Ow! Fucking shit!

Oh my god! Oh my god!

Okay. Okay.

[grunting]

Okay. Okay.

[grunting]

Okay. Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm glad you all tuned in.

Everybody loves a nice twisty ending.

We'll see where this goes, okay?

Finally,

we got a final season finale!

She tried to get away.

Fucking fuck!

Ah! Fuck!

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[screaming]

- We bought a church. - You bought a church?

Yeah. We came across this church that was converted

into a bed and breakfast in the '70s,

and it's a little rustic but we fell in love with it,

so we bought it.

Yeah, we actually sold our studio and moved to the country.

Wow. You live in a church?

Oh my god. You two should come up.

[Chris]I love going to church.

[Jesse] David and I have been dying to host.

You'll get to meet him.

It sounds really nice.

- Yes. - Great!

Done. Awesome.

We're going to have so much fun.

Yeah!

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