Original subtitles

(shouting, cheering)

(Kirby) 99% of the time, I'm a pretty chill guy.

What can I say? I'm an artist, not a fighter.

But every now and then,

something happens that makes me heed the glorious call of battle.

(all cheering)

Yeah!

Happy birthday, Mom.

(theme music playing)

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

(dramatic music playing)

Okay, your mom's birthday is tomorrow.

Time to check in.

How's that birthday present coming along?

I just want to say, for the record,

I think it's really lame how you guys always

put me in charge of mom's birthday present every year.

Sorry, bud, we'd love to help,

but it's a family tradition.

And you can't change family traditions...

(sighs)

...no matter how psycho someone gets about her birthday present.

A waffle iron.

-(clatters) -I have no family!

You're sleeping in the yard tonight.

So glad that's not on me.

-(Kirby sighs) -(giggles) Can you imagine?

Well, this year I got the perfect present,

so you're welcome.

How's the party planning coming along?

(sighs) You guys haven't started, have you?

We've both got so much on our plates right now.

Tons on our plate.

Our plates are both piled so high.

School.

I got this thing on my elbow.

What's going on in here?

Nothing.

Just talking about birth... Uh... day... vis...

Bertha Davis!

This woman I work with... whose birthday it is.

Sounds legit.

-Smooth. -Yeah.

Ahem!

Today it is my pleasure to announce the 20th annual Mitchell's Gauntlet.

As always,

students will compete against each other

in medieval battle.

This year,

the winning gladiator will take home the ultimate prize.

Every single somewhat valuable item I have confiscated from a student this year.

(all gasping)

If you want to do math in my school, you will fight for it.

So are you gonna enter this year?

Do you not remember what happened last year?

You've been smited!

Ah!

I got disqualified for excessive aggression.

I don't know what happened.

I totally flew off the handle just cause that kid had the same shoes as me.

Sounds like you've got sword rage.

Some of the nicest people have a short fuse when you put a sword in their hand.

It's why so many people died in the dark ages.

Tyler... hand me Childsbane.

What's that?

Has a student ever won the prize?

No one asked that.

I heard someone.

And the answer is, of course, no.

No student has ever claimed the prize.

For in order to do so they must face a certain undefeated,

flaxen-haired, warrior principal.

It pains me,

but I have 20 years of student contraband to ease my discomfort.

Hey!

Earn it.

Hey, Kirb,

know what you need to get rid of that sword rage?

The Oasis.

What's The Oasis?

Well, we thought it was a water park,

but turns out it's an all-day meditation course

that taught us the path to inner peace.

Guru Brian taught us that the path to inner peace

can be found by channeling the spirit of the most peaceful animal of all.

-The lamb. -The dolphin.

Wait, what?

You're not serious, right?

The dolphin is way more peaceful than the lamb.

That's crazy, have you ever felt a lamb?

They're like a cloud with legs.

Either way, I'm not gonna have any time for The Oasis or the Gauntlet.

I just really need to focus on finishing my mom's gift.

On this day many years ago,

a woman unlike any other was brought into this world.

Join us for...

I made an entire animated biography about my mom's life.

It took me a month to do research and a whole 'nother month to animate,

but it's gonna be worth it.

There's no way my mom can hate her birthday present this year.

All you got me for my birthday was a case of lemon-flavored sparkling water.

You're lucky.

He gave me a broken waffle iron.

(chuckles feebly)

Great idea calling us both in sick today, Dad.

I didn't call in sick, I'm "working from home today."

I'm on a phone meeting right now.

Yeah, I agree with Stackhouse.

Vertical integration is the way to go.

No doubt about it.

Who's Stackhouse?

No idea. I'm not even sure there is a Stackhouse.

Okay, okay. What should we do about this party?

Maybe we should just go get another "Party in a Bag" from the S and P again.

No way! That's too depressing.

Besides, I think the noisemakers in the bag are used.

Mine did have lipstick on it.

Okay, what ideas do we have?

I bought some stuff for a Western party,

but then I realized your mom hates Westerns.

And then Mom had two children,

which was pretty much the end of her life.

Drawing during class is against the rules, Mr. Buckets,

so I'm brave I'm going to have to confiscate this.

Wait, what?

I used to say, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate this,"

but then I remembered... I am a fearless warrior

who is afraid of nothing.

But I need that, my mom's birthday present is on there.

At least let me back it up.

Your mother, you say?

Hmm.

If you want it back,

participate in Mitchell's Gauntlet.

It would be a pleasure to destroy a child

such as yourself on the field of battle.

Looks like I gotta win me a Gauntlet.

Okay.

Nice and easy.

I mean, no need to rage out just 'cause we're fighting with swords.

I mean, these aren't even real weapons.

I don't like your face.

Or your hair.

Or your drawings.

Oh, yeah, and nice job ruining your mom's birthday.

Sword rage!

Ah!

Yeah, yeah! You like that?

(grunting)

Oh, uh... hey, guys.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

If I can't control my rage, I'm gonna get disqualified again for sure.

Or arrested.

Ah, lucky for you, I've mastered inner peace.

Let the comfort of 100% genuine lambs' wool bring you serenity.

Please, learn to control your rage.

You shut your mouth!

Ah!

Yeah! Yeah! You like that? You like that?

Oh, yeah!

Never would have happened if we went with dolphin.

Yeah, Fish, I'm gonna make a beautiful serape out of dolphins' wool!

What if we come at this from a whole new angle?

I'm listening.

What if we ask ourselves,

"What would Mom want in a party?"

Okay.

Like how she hates loud noises.

The party would have to be quiet.

Really quiet. And it couldn't be too bright.

Yeah, she hates it when it's too bright.

She hates people.

Totally! But she loves crackers.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

-This is so great! -This is so cool!

I can actually picture this party!

Is it just me or does this seem like a super depressing cave?

So... go pick up a last-minute "Party in a Bag"?

Yep.

This tea will change everything.

Mmm.

Nice, calm chamomile.

I feel like I want to hit you with my sword.

Perfect.

He took gentle sips... like a lamb.

You know tea is mostly water?

Wanna know who lives in water?

The noble, peaceful dolphin.

You have the worst inner peace I've ever seen.

It's like you don't even care about finding your true center?

"Ooh, I'm a dolphin, I look like a fish

but I breathe air."

Pick a side!

(bird cawing)

Welcome to Mitchell's Gauntlet!

(cheering)

The rules are simple.

You will face each other in a free-for-all battle.

The entire school is your arena.

Any excessive aggression

will result in your immediate disqualification.

Let the Gauntlet...

commence!

(cheering)

(vest beeps)

Gauntlet paused! You're out, Douglas.

Better luck next life.

Let the Gauntlet resume!

(all grunting)

(vest beeps)

Come at me!

(vest beeps)

I am a Principal-Warrior god!

Ah!

(vest beeps)

(grunts)

Ah!

-(vest beeps) -(groans)

Ugh! Ugh!

(howls)

(vest beeps)

(shouts)

Welcome to Mitchell's Gauntlet intermission.

You're doing great, kid.

Way to keep a lid on the temper.

I still don't like you, though.

(Dave) Check it out.

Kirby loves his mommy.

I love you, Mommy.

Hey, that's mine.

Where'd he get that?

Give me that back.

If you love her so much, why don't you just marry her?

(laughter)

Oh, no.

Sword rage!

-(vest beeping) -(Dave groaning)

Get up! I'm not done smiting you.

No! No! No! Stop! I yield! I yield!

Ah!

Kirby Buckets,

due to your repeated offenses of brutal and excessive violence,

you are hereby banned from Mitchell's Gauntlet for life.

No, this isn't fair! You set this up!

-(squawking on tablet) -I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

I was too busy playing a game on this tablet I've recently confiscated.

My, my.

These little birds certainly do have an ax to grind.

Begone.

What? No! Wait!

That's my tablet! I need that!

-(squawking on tablet) -(chuckles)

You know who I blame for this whole debacle?

Kirby.

Interesting, tell me more.

If he didn't brag so much about having the perfect gift,

we wouldn't have felt all this pressure to throw Mom a great party.

You're right.

I'm really disappointed in him.

(guests chattering)

(upbeat music playing)

What's... What's going on?

I'm having a welcome back party for my Cousin Lomas.

He just got out of jail for a crime of passion.

(whispering)

-We'll pay you for it. -Pay me for what?

The party, the decorations, the guests, everything.

Well, I guess Lomas wouldn't mind.

He's a pretty cool guy... until he gets passionate.

(music stops)

Do not ever get him passionate.

(music resumes)

Happy birthday, Mom. We got you this!

(sighs)

This is so not good.

(door opens and closes)

Oh, uh, hey, Mom.

Fancy seeing you here.

What's new?

Oh, nothing. Just, you know,

picking up supplies for my own birthday party.

Knowing your father and your sister,

you and I are looking at another "Party in a Bag."

Hey, Kirb,

you know I was thinking today about how excited I am

to see what you got me for my birthday this year.

No pressure or anything.

You know it's not like I'm the one who gave you the gift of life

or anything.

Heh.

What if I told you, um...

that hypothetically I did get you the perfect present.

And, uh, Principal Mitchell confiscated it for some crazy,

uh, battle tournament thing?

I'd believe you.

Really?

You know Mitchell's been doing that since I was a kid?

The first year of the tournament, I actually beat him.

He was so embarrassed, he erased all the evidence of it and then

spent the rest of his life dedicating himself to training in fake battle.

'Cause, you know, he's a weirdo.

The point is, Kirby,

I'm a warrior, and confiscated or not,

I expect a warrior's present.

So, it has come down to you and me, Earthworm.

You are way better at battle than people would assume.

Hey, Mitchell! I'm calling you out.

Gauntlet paused.

What are you doing here?

You and me. If I win, I get my tablet back.

And if you win, I bring everything I own to the school on Monday

and you can confiscate it all.

(gasping)

Tempting, Mr. Buckets.

But you've been disqualified.

You're afraid of me because you know I'll beat you.

Just like my mom did.

(All) Ooh!

That's absurd. I have never and will never lose a battle to a student.

Then why don't you fight him?

(All) Yeah!

Why don't you fight him, Richard?

Okay, fine.

But I'm warning you, Mr. Buckets...

flash that temper of yours, and you're disqualified.

Why don't you fight him, Mitchell?

We're past that, Richard.

You make me sick.

Dolphin.

No way! Wham, bam, thank you, lamb.

(chuckles) You know what? You're right.

I do love lamb.

Mmm.

Delicious.

Ah!

Bring it!

Ah!

(grunting)

Ah!

(grunting)

Ah! Ah! Gross! Hey!

Is someone getting upset?

You know, regardless of what happened 20 years ago,

I have bested your mother in the battle of life.

I birthed an entire Gauntlet.

All she ever birthed was a rat-faced mama's boy with anger issues.

I'm a warrior,

and I expect a warrior's present.

My chamomile!

(exhales)

Better watch out.

The beast is leashed.

Is that from a movie or something?

I don't know, maybe.

(grunting)

(groans)

Ah! (groaning)

-Guru Brian? -We were just...

This is not what I taught you at The Oasis.

I know. We just couldn't agree on which animal is the most peaceful.

(Guru Brian) Inner peace is not a competition, my sons.

And obviously, the answer is the dove!

(groaning, grunting)

Tell you what,

why don't I just give you your tablet back

and we can call this whole thing off right now.

Sorry.

But you earned this.

(vest zaps)

(vest zaps repeatedly)

Your vest isn't lighting up.

It's because you missed.

You've been cheating this whole time.

Don't be absurd, that's...

(all booing)

Mitchell's Gauntlet is canceled forever.

It's a garbage game,

and I never liked it anyway.

(Shredlock) And that's the amazing story of Mom.

The end.

That was nice, Kirb.

Well, there's also this.

Childsbane.

I better not. I have pretty bad sword rage.

Well, this is a hammer.

Oh.

Hammer rage!

(grunts)

Party getting too passionate for you, Cousin Lomas?

You know, I think I have just the party for you.

Now this is what I call a party, right, Lomas?

Sorry.

I know you're passionate about your crackers.

-(Man) Yes, coming. -(theme music playing)

-Okay. -(laughter)

Hi.

Oh, sorry.

(laughing)

(indistinct)

Join me in evil laughter.

(laughing evilly)

(Both) Ah!

(Boy) "X"!