Original subtitles

- This House, at times, can feel somewhat detached

from the outside world,

so let me remind you all that Christmas is approaching.

And you know, it struck me, as I said goodbye to my wife yesterday

to come here,

that this proposed bill and Christmas have a lot in common.

They're both about my three favourite words, actually,

and those words are

family, family, fa....

- CORK POPS OVER RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

- Your wife's on the phone. - My what?

- Your wife. - My wife?

Ugh... I spoke to her just yesterday.

Sorry, chaps, it's just this woman from my wedding.

- CLEARS HIS THROAT

- Hello, dearest.

- BABY CRYING

- God.

- INDISTINCT SHOUTING

- Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying, darling.

It's a terrible line.

Oh, that's the baby, is it? Ha.

What? - When will you be home?

- Oh, no, sorry, darling.

I won't be coming home tonight, I'm afraid.

I know... - Tomorrow?

- Or tomorrow.

I know... - I'm so upset!

- Well, I'm heartbroken too, darling.

Yes, I know...

..but the truth is, darling, er...

..something's just come up.

- Oh, what's he doing now?

Yes!

He's doing spuds in beef dripping.

Oh-ho! He knows his onions.

Potatoes.

- Are you ready for this? - Hell, yeah.

- Here she comes. - I should warn you, it's VERY sexy.

- Sexy?

- Merry Christmas Eve. Honk. Crrring.

Aw, Mike, that's not very Christmassy.

- It's got a reindeer on it.

- I think you look wonderful, Alison. - You look like a firework.

- Oh, thanks, guys. - The ghosts are here, are they? I get it.

Admiring the master at work, yeah?

- He's burnt the custard. Twice.

- And he's washed all the flavour out of the turnips as well.

- I'm a kitchen wizard. - Yeah, kind of.

- This Christmas is going to be so perfect,

it's going be like an advert for Christmas.

Look at my Christmas master plan. It's amazing, right?

It's all planned out, so Mum and Dad can relax.

You know what they're like -

always trying to do everything. Not this time.

- Excellent planning, Michael.

Oh, the things I could have done with a whiteboard.

- JULIAN: - Gah, humbug.

- Not a fan of Christmas, Julian?

- Hm? Oh, no, I'm just saying there's a jar of humbugs here.

- Oh. - Also, I'm not a fan of Christmas.

- Really? - Well, it's just not the same when you're dead.

Can't drink booze, can't flirt with the fillies

at the office Christmas party.

If you can't do that, what's the point? Going to my room.

Wake me up when it's all over.

- I suppose he does have a point.

I mean, don't get me wrong, you know,

I still get a tingle in me dingle on Christmas Eve,

but it is hard, with the memories of what you had.

- I can't recall the last time I heard the King's... Queen's Speech.

- I miss playing games with my boy and the nephews -

Buckaroo, Boggle, Yahtzee, KerPlunk.

- Why are you talking gibberish?

- I miss the mist-letoe.

Will these lips e'er be kissed again?

- KITTY: - I miss presents.

We used to open them in the morning and then after lunch,

my sister would come into my room

and pick the ones that she wanted.

- ROBIN: - All this fuss, and for what?

This whole Christmas thing is just a fad.

- It's been 2,000 years, Robin.

- Exactly. And in mere 2,000 more,

it'll be something else.

The whole thing is just a...

What is phrase?

- Oh! - Flash in the pan.

- Passing obsession.

Trust me, it'll never catch on. Never.

- Well, hold on, this year can be different.

I'm here. We can have the best Christmas. - Yes!

- Ooh, which reminds me,

got to add something to the board.

- Carole's coming? - Oh, no. No, Pat.

I... Not...not your wife.

I meant a Christmas carol.

I'd like to sing one.

Maybe around the piano.

And your family can join in if they want to.

- Oh, ah, I don't reckon they will.

They're not really carol-y.

- Well, we can ask. - They won't want to.

- Ah, yeah, we can ask. - Yeah, they won't want to.

- CAR HORN TOOTS

- Ah, they're here.

- Great, let's ask them.

- Yeah, they won't want to.

Hi, Mum.

- There he is. My little prince.

- Ooh, oh, Mum.

- Alison, may I say,

you've made a wonderful start to the decorations this year.

- Oh, thank you.

- It will look even better once the tree goes up.

- What? We've...

We've had this up for, like, two weeks.

- That? - Yeah. - No, no, no,

that is a bush.

I mean a real tree.

- So strong, crushing my bones.

- Leila.

Happy Christmas. - Happy Christmas.

- Oh, Alison, merry Christmas.

- Mum, I can't breathe.

- Hi, Alison. - Angela! Oh, look! Hiya!

Hello, Nancy.

- Oh, a baby!

Oh! It looked at me!

- Oh, yes, yes, babies do sees us sometimes,

till they be walkers usually.

Oh, this one has the sight, yeah.

- I'm going a bit crazy. She just won't sleep.

- Oh, poor you. Come here.

- Mum, what's Dad doing? I told him not to bring anything.

- Oh, it's just a few side dishes, sweetie.

- Beef? I've got beef.

Beef isn't a side.

- A side of beef is.

- HE CHUCKLES

Thought we'd put you in here.

- Hello! Nobody told me I was hosting.

- BABY CRIES

- Argh, baby!

Hey, now!

- Oh, my God, you could get lost in this place.

- Why's she bringing that in here?

- Yeah, Mike actually still does.

- No, no. Room rules. No babies.

No way, Jose.

This is a non-baby enclave. - This is the perfect room for the baby

because it's the warmest room in the house. - I know it's warm!

I wear no trousers. I'm sorry.

- Thanks, Aly, you're a star. - This is a baby-free...

- Shut up. - Hmm?

- Oh, shut up, I'm not a star!

I'm just doing what anyone else would do.

I just really hope you get some rest.

- We've tried everything to help her sleep.

I'm doing self-soothing now.

You just have to leave them to cry for a bit. - What?

- Must be extra hard without Steve.

- Well, I'm used to it. He's got to work.

- Oh, yeah, working on his hangover more like.

Been there, seen that, got a T-shirt, love.

- You know what it's like for paramedics this time of year.

- Ah... - Hm...

- But you... You've left the baby!

- WAILING

ECHOING: - What, now? I told you,

I'm in Brussels, darling.

- CLUB MUSIC THUMPS

- Baby's still in the crying phase, is it?

I'm just, er, you know, at a restaurant.

Hm?

Well, I'm having some delicious moules-frites.

- What are you drinking? - A crisp Sancerre.

What is this? Question Time?

Look, I know, darling.

I'm sorry to be missing Christmas again too,

but I promise you, once I've signed this treaty,

you'll never have to hear the words "European Union" ever again.

Sorry, darling, I can't hear you over that baby crying.

- What did you say? - The crying baby!

Help!

Somebody help me!

You brought your own sponges?

- Since when did you clean up after yourself?

- Since I became a grown man.

What is it? Oh, my... Dad.

How are you washing cups? There were no dirty cups.

- There were in the cupboard. - Mike. Have you got a pen?

I just need to put "Mike loses his temper"

in between lunch and pudding. - Nah, nah, nah, move, man.

The bullet board is for me only, nobody else to... Mum!

The sprouts are peeled. Stop. - Just a few more layers, darling.

- Right, everyone...out.

Come, let's go! You first, out of the kitchen.

Please, Mum, apron. - All right, all right.

- Dad, put the sponge down. Let's go. Come on. - OK. - Thank you.

All right. See you later. Bye. - Just trying to help my little prince.

- Oh, my days.

- That's better. - Oh! - I hope you don't mind, Alison.

Just in case you're hiding any handsome men in the house.

- Oh!

You'd be lucky.

- The sauce of it!

- Come along, Patrick.

- Right, what do you reckon, Christmas pudding or yule log?

- Where's Mike? - Oh, he's trying not to burn stuff.

- Is he doing the Incredible Sulk yet?

- No, but I reckon he's going to go early this year.

- You still got that one from last year?

- Are you kidding? I made a remix. Look, check it out.

- I don't want to wear a stupid elf costume!

I look like a lime!

- DANCE BEAT

- I'm not going to wear it, no.

- Mike's stupid, isn't he?

- Guys, I told you to relax. Dad, I was going to do the fire.

- Here he comes, girls. Silly lime man.

- OK. - Thank you.

- ROBIN EXCLAIMS

- Sorry, still gets me.

- Hey, Mike. I was thinking,

wouldn't it be nice to get a bigger Christmas tree up in the house?

It was tradition in Button House...

- ..to chop a tree down from the grounds

and bring it in...

- ..on Christmas Eve.

- Right.

Oh!

Oh. Yeah.

Sure, I could do with some fresh air.

- Oh, I could do that for you. - No... No, you sit.

Sit.

Stay.

- Me good boy.

- Why can't they relax?

- And I seem to remember we planted at least 50 saplings,

so they should have matured quite nicely by now...

Huh.

- You've got to be kidding me!

- Well, it has been quite some time.

- Better get cracking, mate. It's not going to chop itself down.

- Now, Michael, with a shaft of this girth, the trick is firm blows.

- CHAINSAW ROARS

- Oh, good Lord! - Who goes there? Show yourself!

- A dragon!

- Everybody, get behind Michael.

- Don't let it eat me!

- Don't mind, do you? I thought it'd be quicker.

- Where'd you get that?

- The car.

- BABY CRIES

- I've got something to cheer you up.

Coochie, coochie, coo.

- HUMPHREY SINGING A LULLABY

- Peekaboo! - Stop crying. Shush now.

This is supposed to be fun.

- I'm here. - Oh!

Mary, there you are. I need your help.

You're a nanny, or you look like a nanny,

or you're a woman. I don't know. Er, do something.

- Oh, you just want your nyilkies.

- Her what now? - His nyilkies.

- Oh, good God. Oh, good God, no.

- C'mon on then, it's only mil...

A false teat? Oh, she be a quack.

- No, Mary. Come back.

Mary, don't leave me!

Ow, it's on my foot, Dad. - Leave some of that work to me.

- Yes, all right, let go, let go. - Got it.

- Oh, yeah, tree in living room. Oh, that make sense.

- Looks good? - Oh, no, that won't do.

- It could do with a bit of cheering up.

- There should be some decorations in the attic.

- I think there might be some traditional decorations

up in the attic. - I can do that. - No, Dad. Please.

- It's no problem. - It's fine. I'll do it.

Just please go and relax with Mum by the fire...

Where's Mum?

- She said she should be doing something useful,

so I said Mike's got tonnes of ironing that needs doing.

- Oh, not again! My tracksuits.

Right, that is it, I need everyone to...

- Christmas has come early, the Incredible Sulk is here.

- GIGGLING

- No... No. No...

No, he's not, actually, cos he's not coming this year, so...

I was just thinking, that, uh, it's a busy day tomorrow,

so if everyone would like to go to bed,

I think that would be a good idea.

Please.

We're going to bed, aren't we, Alison? - Oh, yeah, OK.

- Yeah? - Oh, OK, yeah. - Mm. Yeah.

- Going to bed. - Yeah.

- Ah... - Kitty's going to bed too.

- Might grab an early night. Excellent.

- I might just stay here.

- What about the tree? What about the tree?

- THOMAS: - Twas the night before Christmas,

when all through the house...

- Goodnight, guys. - Sleep well. - See you in the morning.

- ..not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

- Where is my bedroom?

- The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

in the hopes that Saint N... - I think... That's lovely, Thomas,

but I think I'm going to get some sleep now. - OK.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

- You certainly will.

Tomorrow.

- Yes, I will.

Tomorrow. - Oh, you will.

Tomorrow.

- OK.

- Is it Christmas yet?

- No... - Is it Christmas yet? - Kitty, go to sleep.

Somewhere else or there won't be a present tomorrow.

KITTY GASPS

- Ghost stuff? - Yep.

Coping though. How are you doing?

- They are unbelievable.

I'm a grown man but they still treat me like I'm nine for no reason.

- HUMMING

What's that? - Oh, that'll be my mum

with my pillowcase full of pants and deodorant.

- She's not coming in here, is she?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretend to be asleep.

- Oh, my God, she's actually coming in.

SNORING

Wow.

- Yes! Get in. Love these. - That's where you get your horrible pants.

- What? Autumn Blast? They know I'm an Arctic Forest guy.

- HE COUGHS

- Is it Christmas yet? - No. - Oh...

- BABY CRIES

- I can't cope any more.

- You can't cope?! It's all right for you. You wanted this...room.

I didn't ask for any of this. I had this thrust upon me.

- I know, darling, I know.

- CRYING STOPS

QUIETLY: - She's stopped.

- Put her down.

Gently.

That's it.

Gently...

Back away, yeah.

- TOY SQUEAKS, BABY CRIES

- That's it. I'm done.

I'm taking the Jag for a drive.

Well, a happy Christmas to me.

I am literally in the fridge.

How can I still hear it?

Argh!

- ECHOING: - No, I won't be there, I'm afraid, darling,

far too busy in Brussels.

Shut up!

I know it's Christmas, darling,

but these oil deals don't do themselves, you know?

Do you think I want to spend Christmas

at Colonel Gaddafi's palace?

- JULIAN'S VOICE OVERLAPS BABY CRIES

- Family! Family! Family!

- HE SCREAMS

HE CRIES

CHURCH BELLS

- It's Christmaaaaaaas!

Like that? - Yeah! Just like that.

It was amazing.

- Happy Christmas, everyone. - Happy Christmas.

- Oh, champagne! Lord of the manor, yeah? Nice creases.

- Don't. - Come on, darling.

- Merry Kissmas, everyone. Christmas!

- Happy Christmas.

- Ooh, carols.

I was going to say actually. - Oh, I know right, boring.

- That's better. Carols are so mournful, aren't they?

- Yeah.

- Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Merry Christmas. - Did you sleep?

- Ha! Who needs sleep? It's Christmas.

- Oh, it made it till morning.

That's nice, most surprising is that.

- Right then. Presents.

- Oh! - Now, what could this be?

- I bet it's socks.

- I bet it sucks.

- Hey-hey! - Ah, well done, Patrick.

- I love them. - He not love them. He hate them.

- Mike, I'm just going to... You know.

- Oh, sure, go. I got this.

- Oh, it's the gifts! The gifts!

- EXCITED CHATTER

- No, no, no, please, wait.

Alison... - Stand aside, Thorne!

- Alison.

It's all right, I can wait.

- Mike. Your big one from us.

- You're kidding.

- Merry Christmas, Kitty.

- I love it!

- I thought it looked like Button House. - It does.

It's lovely, thank you.

- Now, I know that you can't touch it, but basically...

- Oh, my God...

It's Twister. - Yeah.

- It's Twister!

Oh, it's amazing, Alison, thank you.

Oh, you guys are going to love this.

It's SO funny!

Now lay it out flat, else you're going to break your ankles.

- Hi, Thomas. - Oh, Alison.

Gah, damnation.

- Oh, Aly, look - do you like what we got Mike?

- So good.

- You look great.

- I look ridiculous. I hate it.

- Finally, someone tell the truth.

He look like a dumb animal.

- Well done, Kitty. Now...

..Mary...

..left foot green.

Captain, do you want to join in?

- No, no, I couldn't possibly.

- It's Christmas. - No, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, come on, Cap! - No, no,

oh, OK, all right, I will. Where do we go?

- Left hand... - Right. - ..red.

- Right. Coming in.

Look at that, supple as the day I died.

- How about you, Thomas?

- I'm occupied, thank you.

- No, he doesn't have the physical discipline for Twist-it.

He's afraid he'll lose.

- Balderdash!

I'd thrash you all at Twist-it then run a mile. - Oh! - You will?

- Fine, fine, fine. I'll prove it.

- Yay! Ha-ha ha!

- BETTY: - Pass the sprouts, darling. Beef's nearly done.

- VIDEO PLAYS ON PHONE

- Where's Mum and Dad now? - Kitchen.

- Oh, what are they doing?

- Let's try to put you down.

Wish me luck, everyone. - Good luck.

- Ah, Alison. Did you see if the decorations were in the attic?

- Oh, sorry, I forgot.

SHOUTING

Let me just see to that.

- Right. No, no, that's fine.

- SHOUTING AND ARGUING

What's all this racket, guys? You're supposed to be having fun.

- That's what I said.

- MUFFLED: - Alison! - They're taking it too seriously, Alison.

They're not even letting the girls play. - Come off it, Pat.

- No, you come off it! It's not bloody on.

- Pat? - No, I've had enough.

- Alison... - I'm going to the shed to drink a Watney's.

I'm not. - Twister's going well then?

- Yes, I've got him on the run. It's nearly time for the King's speech.

- THOMAS, MUFFLED: - Alison!

- I've just got to get some decorations. - No!

- I'll meet you up there. - Roger that. - No.

- Victory this day.

- Alison... - Completely razzled.

- Too late.

- BABY CRIES

- Oh, you've got to be joking. I'd just dropped off.

- This baby just will not sleep.

- That's it. You're driving us both bloody batty, do you know that?

I mean, what a business! - Are you hungry?

- Oh, she doesn't know what she wants, Angela. She's a moaning Minnie.

That's what she is.

"Oh, I done a poo. Oh, I need my nappy changing.

"Oh, I can't do it myself." Oh, really?

Oh, how very convenient.

You know, you're acting like a complete baby, do you know that?

I mean, well, you are a baby, but that's not the point.

You've stopped crying. Um...

OK.

What was it? Was it the parliament point?

No? Um...

Was it the Newsnight thumbs?

It was? Do you like the Newsnight thumbs, little one?

Well, I never. Angela...

No, no. Shh!

Let Mummy sleep.

She needs her rest.

Here's the thumbs again.

"Hello, my name's Thumby."

"Hello, my name's... Er...

"..Bummy."

It's the Thumby And Bummy Show.

Let's tell you a story.

The story of the politician

who cared too much.

- HE LAUGHS

- Once upon a time, little one,

there was a man who wasn't afraid to speak his mind,

even when the PC brigade came marching in...

- Oh, I can't believe I found the decorations. - Ah!

I appreciate this, Alison.

The monarch is our bellwether, the nation's barometer, if you will.

It is vital we listen to what they have to say at Christmas.

Hello, what's... What's going on?

I thought you were going to turn on the wireless.

- Oh, no, it's all televised now.

QUEEN: - If you had said to me...

- Good Lord! No, no, wait, wait, wait.

No, it's like I'm in her actual drawing room.

- I thought this was what you wanted.

- Well, yes. But no! I mean, this is unseemly.

I can see her posy.

No, no, no, this is very inappropriate, Alison.

An officer and a gentleman should not be privy to the colour

and thickness of the Queen's curtains.

I can't look.

- Alison, at last.

Is it time?

- Yes. It is time.

I just hope it lives up to expectations.

- I'm sure it will.

What? No!

Take it down. Take it down!

- OK, everyone, Christmas dinner is served.

- Ah, she's up.

- Oh, my God, that's what sleep feels like.

- Are you bringing Nancy down?

- Well, now she starts to cry if I try and take her OUT of the room.

Babies - nuts. - Who's for beef?

- Dad, I'm carving.

- All right, serve yourselves, everyone.

- This looks great, Mum.

Thanks, Mum. - This looks great, thank you.

- These sprouts look good, Mike.

- Nothing to do with me. - Yeah, that was Mum as well.

- Did you do any of this, Mike?

Mm?

- OK...

You know what? I won't bother ever again. OK?

Yeah, film it, film it. OK, film it, yeah.

You treat me like a kid, I'll act like one.

Why is that...?

I just wanted to be in charge for once, OK,

so that you guys can relax. Yeah?

Oh, good luck, Mike, cos Dad's in the woods chopping trees down.

Your mum's ironing your tracksuits, carving the beef that you brought.

That's not a side dish! It's not a side.

- Whoa, this year's a classic.

- Yeah, make the most of it. Yeah, make the most of it,

because this is the last time I try and do anything for you ever again.

OK? Yeah?

- It's just that it might not...

- Michael!

- Great, yeah, I'll be in my room.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

that was the Incredible Sulk.

- Um, I'll just get... - It's OK.

I better go.

- You two are so awful to him.

- What?! - Honestly, he brings it on himself.

- I could see absolutely everything.

It was an intrusion. I mean, what's next?

Taking pictures of them on holiday, I should imagine.

The world's gone mad. - Well, at least you got your Christmas wishes.

- Yes, I don't even know why I bothered asking.

It was never going to be the same.

- I actually quite liked my present,

but I suppose it's a shame that I can't really do anything with it.

- It's all holly-tinted spectacles, Kitty.

You think it's fun but it's not.

The games always ended up with the boys arguing

and me drinking Watney's in the shed.

Oh, let's face it, family Christmases suck eggs.

- It's supposed to suck eggs, Pat.

I had a daughter, you know.

She was only four years old when I died,

yet I managed to miss every single Christmas with her.

I missed them all.

Missed the crying, the screaming, the sleepless nights.

I thought I was so clever avoiding all that,

but now I realise...

..it's all part of it.

Your family are supposed to drive you bonkers at Christmas.

The tree's never straight.

The parlour games are never as hilarious as they were last year.

Someone always gives you a duff present.

You always end up kissing the wrong person under the mistletoe.

Ha! Been there a few times, I can tell you.

But that's the point.

Christmas isn't supposed to be perfect.

That's what makes the whole thing so bloody Christmassy, isn't it?

So let's not get too down on the old family Christmas just yet, eh?

Maybe we should just feel grateful

that we're having one at all.

I never even knew what I was missing.

Family, family, family.

- Hello, my baby.

You've been so good.

Thank you, my darling.

- You're welcome, my darling. She's done a poo, I think.

And she'll be needing her nyilkies round about now.

No, thank you, Mary.

- PIANO PLAYS

GUNFIRE ON VIDEO GAME

- There you are.

Can I let you into a little secret, son?

The reason why old mums and dads like us want to do everything

is because we like it.

And maybe it's a bit because, I don't know...

..we're scared.

- Scared of what?

- For the day we can't do it any more.

- You know what?

There is one thing you can do for me.

- # In the bleak midwinter

# Frosty wind made moan

BOTH: - # Earth stood hard as iron

# Water like a stone

- ALL: - # Snow had fallen Snow on snow

# Snow on snow

# In the bleak midwinter

# Long ago

# In the bleak midwinter

- # Long ago. #

- Wow.

She really loves carols.

- GHOSTS CHATTER

JULIAN STRAINS

- I'm not sure about this, Pat.

What if my daughter was so traumatised by my death

she became something dreadful like a drug addict

or an alternative comedian?

- It's better to know, mate.

Trust me. - OK.

Oh!

Oh, she became an MP!

Pat, look.

She followed in her old man's footsteps.

Ho-ho, and she looks like she means business.

- Yeah.

What's the Green Party?

- Huh?

Oh...

Ah, well.

Nobody's perfect.

- Oh, I didn't know it did that!

- Oh!

- Christmas, eh?

Suppose it might catch on.