Original subtitles

Hello.

I just brewed coffee

because it's going to be a long night.

Something unspeakable has happened here.

I don't have a lot of answers.

What I do have is a corpse.

Was it murder?

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Or was it homicide?

Are those two things the same?

"Murder-cide," tonight, on a very special

"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

[ Thunder crashes ]

**

**

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

That sound you hear in the distance are sirens

announcing the arrival of the homicide squad.

They'll do their usual routine --

pull out small notebooks,

draw lines with big chalk.

They'll try to I.D. the unfortunate corpse

lying at the foot of my stairs,

and then they'll ask me questions

and I'll have to tell my story.

It all started about 22 minutes ago.

[ Chuckles ] It was just another groundbreaking episode

of my soon-to-be-award-winning show -- or so I thought.

The theme was Spanish fiesta.

I was having the book club over

for book talk and festive paella.

[ Chuckles ]

**

The key to a good paella is to get all your ingredients

together and then just leave it alone.

In fact, I suggest you neglect it.

Don't even look at it.

[ Inhales sharply ] I added a pinch of saffron

into my mix of bomba rice,

chicken stock, and various meats and seafood,

because it gives it a little color.

When I was younger -- [ Pounding on door ]

[ Chuckles ] That's odd.

My guests aren't set to arrive here

for another eight minutes.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Chuckles ] That's even odder.

I don't have a doorbell.

What's going on?

**

[ Pounding on door ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

Sorry to bother you.

My car broke down just up the road a piece.

I noticed your lights on, and I was wondering

if I might use your landline.

Oh.

Um...

sure, okay. Come on in.

Oh.

Goodness.

Well, do you need help with your bag?

Nah, she'll be fine right here.

[ Sighs ] My name is Julien Penderel.

I apologize for dripping on your floor.

Oh, that's all right. It'll dry.

Normally, I'd have that mopped up by my housekeeper Agnes,

but I gave her the night off.

Without Agnes here, it's just me, all alone.

But the telephone is right over there, past the fire iron,

next to the heavy, blunt object.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

There's no signal.

How do you know that?

The voice on the other end told me.

That's strange.

Don't you mean odd?

The storm must have knocked down the line.

Well, that must be it,

because I didn't cut them.

Oh, well, that's good to know. [ Chuckles ]

Well, you can wait the storm out here.

I've got the book club coming over for paella.

You could join us.

By the time the paella's served, the lines might be back up.

And that is one of the many benefits of paella --

it accommodates an expanding guest list,

unlike chicken cutlets.

You buy eight, they feed eight.

They have no wiggle room.

Is there a more rigid food than chicken cutlets?

Loosen up.

What do you say?

That's very kind,

but I don't want to be any trouble.

It's no trouble.

It's not like I'm serving chicken cutlets.

Well, then I'd be honored.

Oh, great.

Well, then why don't you relax while I take a bath?

Oh, wait a minute. How rude.

You take a bath, and I'll relax.

What am I talking about?

I've got the book club coming over.

I got to make paella.

Can I get you anything?

An incinerator.

Oh.

I don't think I have one of those.

I'll make do with a Scotch.

Oh, well, the bar is right over there.

Help yourself.

Just use the Scotch from the well.

I understand.

Okay.

**

**

Well... [ Chuckles ]

Once you have all your ingredients for the paella

together in the pan,

allow it to simmer for 20 minutes,

stirring occasionally.

I like to add my mussels last.

Now, here's a good tip.

Always cook mussels alive.

And how will you know the mussels are alive?

Because when you cook them, the shell pops open.

If it doesn't, the mussel is dead,

as if some mysterious stranger showed up at its door

on a rainy night and murdered it.

Hmm...

why does that sound so familiar?

[ Chuckles ] You know what?

I could stand here and try to figure it out,

or I could run over to the craft room

where I don't have to do any thinking.

**

Oh, hello.

I was just adjusting the top hat on this skull.

In the past, there were only two reasons to craft.

One was necessity where the crafter produced things

such as baskets and pottery.

The second was artistic expression,

which produced more baskets and even more pottery.

Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude

towards crafting,

and virtually anyone without a job

and access to wine corks can do it.

This is Crafting Corner.

* Beads and things and glitter and string *

* Glue and sew and buttons and bows *

We're in the craft room today to make party favors.

We'll be making castanets,

a perfect complement to any paella party.

The instructions are super simple.

First, drink a six-pack of beer.

Mmm, ahh.

'Cause you're gonna need the bottle caps.

[ Glass shatters ]

Next, what you're gonna do

is you're gonna punch two holes

through the center of each bottle cap.

You can use a drill or a hammer and nail to accomplish this.

I'm gonna use this ice pick.

[ Dramatic music plays, thunder crashes ]

Now while I puncture the rest of these caps,

Michael Stipe will recite the poem about castanets.

Michael!

You can cast your vote or plaster cast,

be cast adrift in the ocean vast,

cast the first stone if without defect,

as for me, I'll castanet.

Bottle caps I click in rhythm,

my favorite band, I play along with 'em.

from bottles of beer drunk without regrets,

come my musical cap, castanets.

So when I feel the urge to clack,

off to the liquor store for another six-pack.

My sponsor need not ought to fret,

can't hear what he's saying, only castanets.

**

[ Applause ]

Thank you, Michael. That was very moving.

Now that the caps have holes, what you gonna do

is you're gonna take a pipe cleaner

and you're gonna fish it through the holes

in the top of the caps like so.

You can get a close-up on this, Smokey.

You see that? In and out.

Easy, breezy.

You're gonna twist it off at the bottom, cut off the remains --

don't throw these out, you can use them for something.

Okay, clean out your pipe.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay?

And then you're gonna place it on your fingers.

Put it on the other nail like so.

Look at that.

What are these, people?

There you have it -- castanets.

That's so much fun.

That's strange.

**

Where did my ice pick go?

[ Man screams ]

What was that?!

[ Man screams ]

A scream!

**

Oh, my God!

We'll be right back after this commercial.

**

If you love a good whodunit

and a great who-baked-it,

then you'll adore "Murder, She Cooked."

10 strangers are beckoned to an island castle for a late brunch.

Their mysterious and strange host

surprises all when he dishes up murder

and then Cornish hen.

A torrid tale of foul play and plated fowl.

"Murder, She Cooked," by the authors

of "And Then There Was Flan," "Dial M for Meatballs,"

"Coleslaughterhouse Five," "Death by Dumpling,"

"In Cold Butter," "Gekillte Fish,"

"The Hangman's Noodle,"

"Dinner at Seven, Mutil at Ate."

"Murder, She Cooked."

Bon appéterror.

Announcer: Previously on "Murder-cide,"

a very special, "At Home with Amy Sedaris"...

[ Trills tongue ]

There you have it -- castanets.

[ Man screams ]

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

**

I hope you don't mind.

My trousers were damp from the storm,

so I hung them from the chandelier to dry.

But the shoes are still attached.

To weigh the pants down to avoid wrinkles.

Oh, I'll have to add that to my tip board.

But what was that terrifying scream I heard?

In an attempt to hasten the drying process,

I was blowing on my clothes

and the sound came out.

Well, you just have an answer for everything, don't you?

[ Thunder crashes ]

I must confess,

I feel guilty just sitting here

while you're preparing for a party.

Can I help?

Do you need something tossed or...

hanged or chopped?

But you're only wearing underpants.

I often remove my outer layer of clothing

when I do my chores.

Found this ice pick.

Is it yours?

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

That's odd.

My knocker must be broken.

Are you sure you want to get it?

I got it when you knocked.

[ Knocking on door ]

Book club here. Ring-a-ding.

We're always on time.

Where is she?

It's raining -- oh.

Please, come in.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Oh, well, who are you?

Are you the newest member of the book club,

an award-winning author?

I used to write poetry mostly,

but my car broke down on the side of the road,

and the lady of the house was nice enough

to let me take shelter.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Speaking of which, where is the hostess with the halitosis?

[ Laughter ]

I've said too much.

I've said too much. [ Laughs ]

Where is she? What have you done with her?

She asked me to answer the door

while she went to the wood shed

to get more logs for the fire.

More logs for the fire?

Hmm.

Well, that's odd.

Now why would she run out to gather logs for the fireplace

when the fireplace is fake?

So was the wood she was going to get.

Huh.

Now, I don't believe I caught your name.

Julien Penderel.

Patty Hogg from Quarrel & Hogg Seeds.

So, she ran out in this horrible storm

during her hit show.

I just can't put the pieces together.

Hmm.

Julien, my name's Anthony.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure is mine, Julien.

I like you.

You seem like a real straight shooter to me.

But Vincent does not care for you.

Me, I have absolutely no reason to not believe your story.

[ Whispers ] But Vincent is skeptical.

[ Normal voice ] Why don't you convince Vincent.

I'm telling the truth.

Vincent...

I'm telling the truth, Vincent.

His concern is temporarily assuaged,

but you should know Vincent does not like to be lied to.

When he's lied to, he gets angry,

and when he gets angry, he gets real stabby.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, we should all calm down.

I don't think we need to resort to any stabbing.

No, no, put him away.

Hm? Yeah, why don't we just sit here and wait this out, hmm?

We'll know soon enough whether or not Amy's been murdered,

so in the meantime, let's just relax, yeah?

Oh, you know what would help?

A nice bottle of wine.

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Horror movie-style music plays ]

Did someone say wine?

Oh, thank God, Regional Wine Lady.

What pairs well with murder?

Patty: You didn't happen to see the lady of the house out there

wandering around in the rain, did you?

Patty, I didn't see a thing, but I did bring you this --

a killer Chianti.

It's a complex, mysterious red with suspicious undertones.

Hmm, why does that description sound familiar?

I could stand here and try to figure it out,

or I could start drinking to stop thinking.

Here you go!

Well, I got to go.

I'm First Mate on a booze cruise.

You can't go sailing in this weather.

It's rough seas.

Well, it's more booze than cruise.

* It's Friday Night

* I'm gonna get drunk

* I'm gonna get laid

* I'm gonna be late

* On Monday

Ship ahoy!

Well, I'm starting to get worried.

I think someone should go out there and look for Amy.

I mean, she could be lying face down in a muddy grave.

Has anyone seen a corkscrew?

This just doesn't make any sense!

It doesn't add up!

What could've happened to her?

All sorts of things.

She could've been strangled with rope,

struck in the head with a lead pipe,

shot by a revolver,

or beaten to death with a board game.

Oh, the thought of something happening

to that poor, old woman makes me sick to my stomach.

**

Seriously, has anyone seen a corkscrew?

Give me the bottle.

I learned this in rehab, and in there, believe me,

a corkscrew is hard to come by,

right up there with box cutter and parental love.

Amy: "Quick Tips" -- Opening Wine Without a Corkscrew.

What you want to do is take the wrapper off the bottle,

put the bottle in a shoe,

then smack it against the wall

just a few times to get it started.

The rest of the way by your hand. [ Gasps ] Oh!

[ Laughs ] There you have it.

A wine bottle uncorked without a corkscrew.

Chassie: Oh, do another.

Do another one. [ Laughs ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

D-D-Don't spill the wine.

Patty: Something touched my leg!

It touched my leg!

I've got my knives out!

Stay away!

[ Grunting ] I see a shadow!

I can't see a damn thing.

Vincent, stay alert.

**

Where's Patty?

Patty?

Patty?

And then there were three.

[ Thunder crashes ]

**

I strongly suspect

that someone in this room

is a murderer.

[ Thunder crashes ]

What do you mean "someone"?

With the exception of you, we've all spent time together,

and we've never killed each other once.

And I've had plenty of motivation.

Well, if that's the way you feel,

perhaps I should leave.

I think it would make Vincent very happy

if we all stayed here

until this little mystery was solved.

Well, I wouldn't want to make Vincent unhappy.

[ Door blows open ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

Amy!

Where have you been?

Well, I realized when I went to answer the door

that I never finished the end of the book,

so I went to the shed to finish the book.

[ Sighs ]

Well, that strange man was being --

That strange man is gone!

[ Telephone rings ]

Oh! The lines are back up!

**

Hello?

**

The call is coming from inside the house!

Oh!

**

We have to get out of here! The call's coming from inside of the house!

Oh! Get ahold of yourself!

[ Gasps ] I'm fine.

Vincent's a little upset.

Hello? Who is this?

It's Patty Hogg. I'm upstairs!

I got confused when the lights went out.

Well, why don't you just come down?

I'm still confused.

Follow the sound of our voices.

[ Line clicks ]

The lights are back on.

The lights are coming from inside the house!

Get ahold of yourself!

Everybody just calm down.

This is a book club, and we need to act like adults

and do what adults do.

We need to get out our books and eat paella.

Now, Chassie, give me a hand in the kitchen.

[ Groans ]

**

Okay.

Well, let me tell ya, this paella looks absolutely perfect.

Look at that.

Now, what I like to do is top it off

with a little fresh lemon juice, like so.

Chassie, would you please grab some bowls from the cabinet.

Look at that.

Oh!

It's like sweating lemon, like so.

Very nice. Okay.

Chassie, could you grab me some silverware, please?

Now, I'll tell you something about paella

that a lot of people don't know, and that is...

[ Clattering ]

...very traditional

to the Spaniards.

And a lot of people in tapas restaurants like to order it

because you share it, okay?

And do you know what would make this paella more festive?

A bull fighter.

Tissue flowers.

So why don't you start folding some tissue flowers.

Oh, I can't.

I'm allergic.

It's tissue. It's not real.

I said I'm allergic to flowers --

not the way they smell, the way they are.

[ Scoffs ] That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Okay, well, when I was a little girl,

I had an uncle I was very fond of,

Uncle Pork Chop,

and he would spend a lot of time down at the race tracks.

And one day, he went onto the field

to congratulate the winner,

Crystal Shins and her rider.

And he, um, bumped the flower arrangement --

you know, those big horseshoes with all the flowers --

and that upset a bee that was nesting in the carnations.

In turn, that startled the horse.

[ Voice breaking ] And Uncle Pork Chop got tangled up in the bridle...

Oh. [ Sobs ]

...and dragged him to his death.

[ Normal voice ] So, yeah, I'm sorry it's ridiculous

that I'm upset by the sight of flowers.

Well, I'm sorry, I had no idea.

I need a drink.

Well, you certainly have earned it, haven't you?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Paella.

**

[ Trills tongue ]

Ay-yi-yi!

[ Laughs ] Oh, this is fun!

How about these castanets.

-Easy, right? -Right.

Boy, that stranger disappeared into the night awfully quickly,

didn't he? Yeah.

Did anyone else find him very attractive

in like a "your mom's boyfriend" kind of way?

Hmm, it's interesting.

Let me think about that.

Mm, I put saffron in the paella.

Ooh! Saffron a high-priced spice.

We're eating stigmas.

Did you know that it's part of the flower's female sex organs?

I've said too much, I've said too much.

It's the wine talking. [ Laughs ]

That's naughty.

Well, let's talk about "Murder, She Cooked."

I'd love to get your thoughts.

Chassie?

Oh, well, starting off right here...

Oh, I didn't read it.

Chassie...

I'm so disappointed in you.

Oh, I don't care. Anthony?

I did not read the book.

[ Scoffs ]

Isn't this club called "The Book Worms"?

[ Laughs ]

I thought the fifth character was the oven.

I like that it had two racks --

I didn't read the book, either.

Okay, guys, this is the last book club meeting ev--

[ Thumping ]

Don't you hear that noise coming from the craft room?

**

What is happening?

[ Grunts ]

I just discovered this body in your floorboards.

Oh, my God. Helen?

[ Crying ] Oh, my God...

It's my wife.

Helen!

[ Sobbing ]

What did you do to her?

Why's your duffel bag empty?

[ Normal voice ] What?!

Sweet Jesus, I've been robbed!

First Helen, and now the contents of my bag!

What was in there?

I just told you, God damn it!

Contents!

Got to go!

I'm calling the police.

**

**

Ah! I'm not mixing anything.

It was just so we could transition back to the present.

The police just got here.

I'm gonna go see how the investigation is going.

Quick tip -- never show up to an investigation empty-handed.

**

Sandwiches?

Sure. Thanks a lot.

Sure.

Well, what'd you find out, Detective?

Just that there's a dead body on your floor.

Yeah.

I hope the body-outline tape doesn't leave a sticky residue.

You know, for a potential murderess,

you make a damn good sandwich.

Guilty as charged.

Paella sandwiches.

Watch out for the mussel shells. Will do.

Can I show you something, Detective?

Sure.

I thought this might help.

I made a miniature set of the actual crime scene.

Now, why would I need that when I got a full-sized

actual crime scene right here?

Well, I just thought maybe you wanted to take this home

and study it on your own time.

I don't think so.

All right, well, you're the detective.

I am.

Hey, wait a minute.

While you were here and all this was happening,

did you notice anything unusual?

Unusual? Mm-hmm.

Not really.

Wait a minute...

There was this guy that came to my door, a stranger,

and he had a big duffel bag, you know,

about the size of a lady named Helen.

I didn't think anything of it at the time, right?

So, we're all sitting around my dining room table

eating paella, talking about the book,

and that same guy was in this room

shoving that body into my floorboards.

[ Laughs ] Hey, wait a minute.

You don't think he had something to do with it, do ya?

Could be, lady.

Could be. Huh.

**

**

This is the part of the show where I record

my hits and misses.

Hits -- the blunt force that caved Helen's skull in.

Paella.

Misses -- book clubs, no backup generator,

strangers with duffel bags.

The good news is I feel safe now.

[ Thunder crashes ]

**

Good night.