Original subtitles

Hello.

We've made lots of great things on this show --

tissue paper ghosts,

seashell centerpieces,

toilet-paper-roll pirates, just to name a few.

But tonight, we will attempt the most difficult craft --

"Making Love" -- on a very special

"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

[ Saxophone music plays ]

Keepin' it slow.

**

**

Crafting, or making things,

has always been a delightful pastime of mine.

Sometimes, alone in my workroom holding a pinecone

and a handful of googly eyes,

I find myself lost in the evening.

But of all the crafts I've come to enjoy,

lovemaking is very near to the top of the list.

Although anyone can engage in the craft of lovemaking,

it is maybe the most difficult to master,

right behind wooden-spoon lions and macrame pinch pots.

Make no bones about it.

The craft of lovemaking is a messy business.

Careful consideration, preparation, and execution

are a must for a fulfilling forni-crafting experience.

As with any crafting project,

before you warm up your glue gun,

it's important to understand the tools you need

and how they operate.

The vagina -- there is so much dis-information

out there related to the vagina --

It swallows its prey whole,

it secretes a deadly neurotoxin when confronted,

and it has a PSI bite force

equal to that of a snapping turtle.

That's ridiculous.

The average vagina has a closing impact of no more

than 30 pounds per square inch --

far less than a snapping turtle.

But let's take a closer look at this magical organ, shall we?

Okay. Here we go.

The exterior of the vagina consists of outer lips,

or labia, and is topped off by the mons pubis,

or decorative fat pad.

Okay?

So, let's take a closer look inside.

What we want to do is pin back the labia like so.

Quick tip -- It's a good idea to train your labia

to stay open by itself

so you can avoid pins altogether.

Okay. So, once behind the curtain,

we find another set of lips,

or inner lips.

Let's just stick those back.

[ Pin thumps ]

Okay.

And now we have a full view of the entrance to the vagina.

But I want to direct your attention

to what's happening up here in the northern region.

Right here under the hood, we find an often overlooked

but intrical part of [integral]

the vagina called the clitoris.

Now, this might surprise you, but before the mid-1980s,

we didn't even know the clitoris existed.

Until that time, it was considered by most gynecologists

to be a third tonsil.

Now, here, right here, you see these colorful balls.

These are unpleasant secretions that collect around the glands.

You want to clean this off with some warm water right here.

Now, our body secretions' smells and tastes

are an unfortunate part of our bodies.

Wash, and you will find that you can smell and taste good.

Now that we understand the mechanics of the vagina,

let's find out how it works.

I invited my neighbor and friend of the show, Patty Hogg,

to discuss her approach to lovemaking.

Patti, get on out here!

Oh. Hey, Mary Lou!

I brought you a bowl of my fiddlehead fern

straight out of my garden of the month.

It's just an emerged fern. Look at that.

Look at that beautiful green.

Mmm! Can't get enough of fiddleheads.

I want you to know that as of today,

I have lost eight pounds on my diet.

Looking good. Look at me in horizontal stripes.

Have I ever looked better than this?

We cannot wait to hear about your sex life.

Sex life? Well, I hope you like short stories.

I thought we were gonna talk about seedlings and saplings.

[ Chuckles ] No. This is our "Making Love" episode,

and I would love for you to share your experiences.

Oh, my land. Okay, well, I'll take a stab at it.

Let me take you through out lovemaking process.

It is as follows.

Third Tuesday every month, lights out, door closed.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

One foot on the floor, Charlie Rich on the phonograph,

the Silver Fox himself.

Gets Leslie in the mood.

It's all about the release of the pheromones.

The pheromones -- a cordial hello,

brief above-the-waist petting counter-clockwise.

And then he throws me over a Chippendale chair

and plants his bulb. [ Chuckles ]

Sometimes, afterwards we'll indulge in strawberries.

Which, as a fun fact -- Did you know it's the only fruit

with the seeds on the outside?

I've said too much. I've said too much!

Sauté those ferns.

[ Laughs ] Thank you, Patty Hogg.

I appreciate that.

Patty Hogg, everybody.

Well, that was less informative than I'd hoped.

Luckily, there is a place we can turn to

for all our lovemaking questions.

I'll let my new sponsor tell you all about it.

"Barebacking -- engaging in sexual intercourse

without the use of a prophylactic."

Oh, hello.

I was just reading from the Encyclopedic Dictionary

of Sexual Terms, Volume I.

And that is just the first title in this 75-book collection

of "Densley's Compendium of Encyclopedic Knowledge

of Human Sexuality."

In this vast number of pages set between two stylish covers,

you'll find a treasury of information

that will answer any of the questions

you can remember to ask about sex such as "What does this do,"

"Where are you putting that," and, "Why is that there?

It wasn't there yesterday."

This attractive set contains it all --

a medical dictionary containing illustrations,

transparencies, and easy-to-follow diagrams --

a sexual thesaurus which includes 792 alternate terms

just for the penis, including tallywacker,

lickstick, meat pipe, rod, poking rod, Rod Sterling.

Is this collection heavy?

[ Chuckles ] You bet you.

Do they take up a lot of room? Absolutely.

But we here at Densley's believe that that's a small price to pay

for having this incredible amount of sex facts

and figures at your fingertips.

If we were selling this set by the pound,

it would cost thousands of dollars.

But we, for a limited time only, are offering you

this magnificent set of human sexuality books

for the low, low price of six payments of $12.99.

We know you will treasure these deluxe-bound,

imitation-gold-leaf, embossed-leather books.

But don't take our word for it.

Examine these books for 14 days.

If not completely satisfied, just lug them back

to the post office, return them to us,

and we will refund your money as soon as we get around to it.

Don't make love without this full collection

at your fingertips.

Call today.

Professional operators are standing by.

Calls may be recorded for training

and masterbatory purposes.

Why am I in the kitchen during a show about lovemaking?

Simple -- aphrodisiacs.

Otherwise known as foods that enhance sexual desire.

The avocado, rich in vitamin E, helps your body produce hormones

which in turn stimulate

clitoral swelling and vaginal lubrication.

Why do you think Mexican restaurants

are so popular with teenagers?

A bit later, we'll have my old friend Chassie Tucker out here

to help me prepare a few dishes

that are certain to engage the libido.

But first, I'm gonna introduce you to the oyster --

the number-one go-to food for igniting the sex drive.

Now, I'm not sure how they work.

I believe you simply rub them on your genitals like so.

-Knock, knock, knock. -Oh!

Please welcome former pasty chef and current friend,

Chassie Tucker.

So, Chassie, who's your friend?

This is Ms. Stern.

She heads up Human Resources at the network.

She's required to accompany me any time I'm in your presence.

Oh. Why's that?

I'm suing you for sexual harassment.

[ Whispers ] I'm so sorry.

[ Gasps ] What are you talking about?

Hey! Watch the hands. Do not touch her.

I -- I've never touched you.

It's not so much all the inappropriate touching.

It's the inappropriate things you say.

Like what?

Well, you told me to...

It's okay.

...beat it till it froths.

We were making lemon meringue pie,

and I was asking her to whip the egg whites.

Mm-hmm. Did you also ask her to "French your bean"?

This is a cooking show!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

This is an insult to anyone

who's ever been sexually harassed at work.

Ma'am I need you to soften your tone.

Okay, here we go.

I'd like to just finish the segment, please.

Oh, sure. What are we making?

We aren't making anything, okay,

because you're on my list.

List?

She knows what list I'm talking about.

Look, don't be mad at me, okay?

I need the money.

High-waisted rabbit-fur coats don't grow on trees.

I know. They grow on rabbits, and I have one, Chassie.

Okay. Well, don't look at me like that.

It's not like they have to hurt the rabbit to make the coat.

They just sort of take what falls off, like a down jacket.

Oh, is that how it works? Yeah.

No, they actually have to skin a rabbit --

a lot of rabbits.

Okay. Well, that's really unfortunate.

But it's a great jacket. Come on.

Okay. We're gonna be discussing foods that are aphrodisiacs.

And I have the perfect salad sure to kick-start

a night of lovemaking.

First, we start with pineapple rings,

known to contain lycopene,

which stimulates blood vessels in the sex organs.

You are really pushing it.

Okay, Chassie. Why don't you help me?

I think that's a terrific idea.

I want you to line this plate with some greens.

Okay. It's a presentational show,

so make it nice and lovely.

Okay. And what you're gonna do next

is you're gonna put a stack of pineapple rings

on the plate.

Where's the fork?

Just stick your finger in the hole.

Ugh!

Okay, put them right in the center. Nice.

Next, you're gonna peel a banana,

which contains bromelain,

which triggers testosterone production.

Okay. And you're just gonna insert it in the hole.

It really is a quick salad.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Very nice. All right. Next, you're going to add

on the tip some whipped cream,

but you can always use mayonnaise, as well.

Okay. A lot of people in the South

use mayonnaise as a dressing.

Next, we're gonna drizzle the honey

all over the whipped cream.

Beautiful.

Honey contains boron, which helps regulate estrogen.

Okay. Now you're gonna top it with a cherry,

known as the superfruit.

I like the cherries with the stem on top.

And there you have it -- Sticky Banana Envy.

Ugh! You should be in jail.

Chassie and the head of Human Resources, everybody.

When we return I'll dig deep into the "Mail Sack."

Ugh!

This is "Mail Sack."

* Mail, mail, mail, mail, mail

* Sack

This is the part of the show

where I dig deep into the "Mail Sack."

And tonight, it's a special sack segment

where I answer your questions related to sexuality.

Let's find out what you're thinking about.

Ooh, look at all the letters we got this month.

They're just piling up.

This is from Lisa in Boston.

Very nice stationary, Lisa.

I'm impressed. Okay.

"Dear Amy, my husband likes me to perform oral sex on him."

Hmm. "But recently, I got my wisdom teeth removed

and now I'm afraid about dry socket.

From, Lisa in Boston."

Oh, my goodness.

Terrific question, Lisa.

I had a very similar situation when I lost a molar

to a caramel apple.

My advice is, before tending to your husband,

stuff the socket with a moist tea bag

which will keep the hole from drying out.

And the tannins from the tea will help with the swelling.

On the downside, the tea bag will greatly reduce

the real estate in your mouth.

And then, there's the issue of the tea stains.

Be warned -- Never use this tea-bag technique

while teabagging.

More than one bag in your mouth can lead to confusion,

and confusion leads to choking.

I hope this helps, Lisa.

Okay.

This next letter is from Marguerite in Gurney.

She writes --

Oh, she's got a little turtle on here.

"Dear Amy, on a bus heading to my first four-way.

I have what I consider to be a traditional

grooming in my genital region,

but what has been referred to by more than one lover as

'the thatched roof on an English cottage.'

For my money, there is nothing more embarrassing

than walking into a cheap motel room

to meet three nude strangers

and having an out-of-date bush.

Help! I'm two counties away.

Sincerely, Marguerite from Gurney."

Terrific question, Marguerite.

It's difficult for even the most fashion-conscious

to keep up with the current pubic trends.

But luckily for you, Marguerite, I've invited our local barber

from Moorehead Snips and Clips.

And he's compiled the most popular styles

for genital grooming, which will be modeled by

members of the Research Triangle Rotary Club and their wives.

Take it away, Pete!

Thank you, Amy.

Well, first, we have Sam modeling The Dust Bowl.

We just cut into a circular plot.

It's seemingly unkept, but it's purposely scruffy.

A big hit with the youth.

Thank you, Sam. Beautiful.

Next up is Leonard in The Toreador,

a short crop in the center with bulbous protuberances

of oval thickets on each side

resembling pelt-like ears.

Always handsome.

And finally, Charlie modeling The Gopher's Nest.

-Ooh. -Tightly coiled,

spiral-tight curls tapered up, collecting in a tidy mound.

A small margin is cut around the rodent hole

leaving ample clearance of the gopher

to pop his head out.

-Nice. -And now for the ladies.

-Ooh! -Come on out, Helen.

Now, this cut is a variation on the popular Sizzle Strip

known as The Dictator --

a horizontal and slightly bushier version

of the classic cut.

It's a look that says, "Disappoint me,

and I'll have you thrown in the Gulag.

[ Laughs ] Oh, heavens.

Up next, Cloris.

Now, this one is a crowd-pleaser --

The Boll Weevil,

which is a simple wooly middle-patch accented

by multiple flyaway tentacles.

A real party starter.

Yeah, I've seen that at my local gym.

-[ Chuckles ] -Yeah.

And lastly, we have Nancy.

-Ooh! -And for those of you

who appreciate tradition,

The Old Granddad --

bristly in the center

and book-ended by wispy flourishes.

Unbelievable! Excellent job, Pete.

Thank you so much.

-Thank you, Amy. -Always good to see ya.

I'll be in for a trim soon.

-Good. Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

That's it for our "Mail Sack."

I hope you found my tips helpful.

When we return, three words -- open-eye orgasm.

Stick around.

**

At the ad break, I mentioned open-eye orgasms.

Now, I only said those words

so you'd return from the commercial.

[ Chuckles ] If I had stated what we were actually

going to talk about -- sex smells --

you'd be watching The Weather Channel right now.

But the truth is, in most situations,

lovemaking involves close physical contact,

which means you'll also be encountering unique aromas.

To talk more about it, let's take a trip

to "The Lady Who Lives in the Woods."

* Deep in the forest, a lady lives *

* In a small house that is made of twigs *

* She's earthy and simple and mostly plain *

* And what you don't know, she will try to explain *

* She bathes in a creek and she sleeps on a cot *

* Feasting on mushrooms and apricots *

* Her bathroom's a hole in the dirt that she dug *

* Her friends' a raccoon and a slimy spring slug *

* She's "The Lady Who Lives in the Woods" *

**

Hair, skin, underarms, the vagina --

All have their unique scent.

But mingled together into one woody soup,

they represent the whole of a woman.

There's nothing more natural than sex,

and there's nothing more sexual than scent.

The gamey perfume of a lady is her greatest sexual asset,

unless she owns a hammock.

Don't be resistant to smelling like a woman.

A shower, Esther?

In the middle of the week?

Esther is a fine example of the brainwashed masses,

bombarded by the advertising-industry agencies

who say, "You don't smell right.

You're hair should taste of buttercups.

Your vulva should sing like a fruit salad."

I, for one, find disturbing all the hygiene products

pushed on to women -- shampoo, conditioners,

deodorant, toilet paper.

I always say, don't mask it.

Bask in it.

Today at the lodge, we are going to focus on ways

to enhance your organic musk.

And I am so thrilled that joining us to talk about this

is a mentor of sorts,

an old friend of mine from college.

We were roommates and also played

on the lacrosse team together.

Please welcome my very special friend, Delta Mung.

[ Applause ]

Aw.

[ Sniffs ]

Ah.

Sit down. Oh, I love

what you've done with the lodge.

I'm so pleased that you made the trip.

Well, what good are the wheels on an RV

if you don't let it roll?

Oh, I brought you a bag of falafels.

I've had it since Missouri.

Thank you.

Who's the little songbird?

That's Esther. She's here sometimes.

So, Delta, let's stir up some scented oils.

I have our base oils right here.

You can use many different oils as your base --

jojoba or almond.

I think ylang-ylang makes a great base oil.

Or a bergamot.

I'm sorry?

Well, bergamot is the best base oil.

But of course, ylang-ylang can work as a base oil, too,

if you're going for something, uh, pedestrian.

Is that what you're going for? I wasn't going for anything.

I just enjoy the quality of ylang-ylang.

I understand.

It's very common.

I forgot you had such strong opinions about ylang-ylang.

Well, they're not opinions.

And there's nothing wrong with ylang-ylang.

It's an unexceptional oil derived from an ordinary plant,

and that is fine.

It's a good beginner's base oil.

Let's just move on to dried flowers.

I was thinking patchouli leaves would be fun.

If you're 16.

You know something, Delta?

We haven't spent time together since after college

when we worked for the Arizona Department of Forestry.

But it's all coming back to me!

I don't like you!

And I don't like falafels, and I don't like your poetry!

Oh. This is the level of behavior

I would expect from someone

who chooses patchouli as a fragrance.

[ Scoffs ]

And a simple little songbird

as a roommate.

[ Door slams ]

Thank you for stopping by the lodge.

I hope that was informative.

[ Crash ]

Her RV hit a tree.

Oh, Esther!

* She's "The Lady Who Lives in the Woods" *

Thank you, Ruth and Ester.

As usual, that was informative.

After this commercial break,

why don't you meet me in the bedroom?

Nothing piques your appetite

quite like the craft of lovemaking.

So often, you find yourself ravenous

after a steamy session in the bedroom,

especially if you're doing it right.

Tonight, I'm gonna show you

how to make something quick and light.

It's called nachos.

First thing you're gonna do

is grab two fistfuls

of nacho chips.

And you're gonna sort them on a sheet pan.

Then you're gonna add

a quarter-fist of beans on top.

These are pinto beans.

Mmm, feels so good in my fist.

Then you're gonna add an open-fist

of spicy ground beef.

And then, add a cupped fist

of grated cheese.

I lost my measuring cup in fist-fight. [ Chuckles ]

Place the nachos in the oven, and when it bubbles, it's done.

Now, if you'd like, you want to top it off later

with some sour cream

and some jalapeños.

We've done a lot of talking tonight.

So while our nachos cook, why not let our bodies

speak in the native tongue.

Follow me to the bedroom, will you?

[ Saxophone music plays ]

To take us through step-by-step the physical act of love,

please welcome my next guest, a professor of Human Sexuality

from the Research Triangle Park Community College,

Barry Teaberry.

Thank you for having me on your show.

Oh, I'm a big fan.

I'm a fan of yours, too.

Oh, thank you. Oh, wow.

The wig's a nice touch.

It suggests freedom and looseness.

We're wearing matching canary-yellow robes.

That's all about unity, which is very good for sexuality.

And if I'm not mistaken, is that the smell of nachos?

Yes, I made a plate of nachos.

It's also a turn-on.

Oh.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay. Well, you're the expert, Barry.

What's next? Walk me through it.

Well, first we would engage in foreplay...

Okay. ...to get our erotic juices flowing.

Imagery is one of the most powerful stimulants.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Okay. Oh, I don't have any paints.

[ Laughs ] Then why not use my hands?

Okay.

First I would take the ball of your foot...

Okay. ...in my hand.

My penis semi-erect, I would work your toes

into an epidermis putty.

All the while muttering stimulating aphorisms

into your ear such as,

"I bet your big toe would fit snugly into my anus."

I would continue to work the foot,

building a trust of sexual equity

that I'll cash in on later in our session.

Oh, that feels really nice.

Yeah. Um, Doctor, um...

[ Sniffs ] ...Teaberry, I just you to know,

I believe in crafting in the bedroom.

I've applied these lights through a pair of pantyhose.

Oh, what a nice touch. Mm-hmm.

It's -- Setting the mood is always important.

Yes.

And I made some essential oils for the bedroom.

Oh, beautiful. Yes.

And then, I also made this.

It's an invention of my own.

I call it the tickle rod.

And I went to the feather factory down on Newburn Avenue,

and I got a fistful of feathers.

And I attached them to a three-in-one ruler.

Wow, what a magnificent initiation.

And then that way, if my partner's far away,

or I can just tickle you while you're massaging my foot.

Does that feel nice?

Oh, I love it.

I made some essential oils.

Mmm.

[ Bell dings ]

Is that the nachos? Oh, I don't know.

They should be ready soon. They can sit.

Um, would you excuse me for a quick moment?

Okay. Well, what about your semi-erect penis?

Oh, it'll hold.

All right. Use potholders.

This is the point in my show where I record

all my hits and misses of the episode.

Hits -- Nachos.

Misses...

[ Crunch ]

...Nachos.

Well, that's it for tonight.

I hope I was able to help you increase

your enjoyment of the craft of lovemaking.

Join me next time -- "Medical Tests."

Make sure you know what your doctor's ordering.

Good night.

**

**