Original subtitles

* Snow plus ball, push and roll *

* All together equals snowman time *

* Stack and pack, brown felt hat *

* Time to build a snowman now *

* Carrot for nose, frostbit toes *

* That's the way it goes at snowman time *

* Eyes of coal, south of pole *

* Snowman time is frosty, wow *

**

**

**

**

Announcer: Welcome to the "At Home with Amy Sedaris Holiday Special"

featuring the Trevor Pippin Dancers

and special guest Neil Patrick Harris.

[ Piano playing ]

**

* Chestnuts... [ Chuckles ]

Oh, hello.

What a wonderful time the holiday season is --

so festive and colorful.

I was just roasting chestnuts over the open fire.

It's part of an old holiday recipe

and the lyrics to my favorite holiday song about nuts.

I like to get the chestnut golden brown.

Perfect!

Now, while it's good and hot,

I sandwich the nut between two graham crackers

and a chocolate bar.

Scoop the chestnut onto the chocolate so it helps melt it.

Put the hood back on.

Mmm. I call them S'nuttys.

[ Loud crunching ]

Mmm.

[ Muffled ] Welcome to my holiday special.

As you've heard, a few of your friends will be stopping by.

I also have a few surprises in store.

But before my guests arrive,

I better wrap those presents before our guests arrive.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

As always, Christmas shopping was a little hectic this year,

but I think I did all right.

Don't tell him, but this year,

I'm Neil Patrick Harris' Secret Santa.

I found this great antique nutcracker doll.

I found him in an old curiosity shop

that was built over an Indian burial ground.

I think I'll name you...

Colonel Nutley!

Let's get you wrapped.

Where did I put that tape?

[ Eerie music plays ]

**

Hmm, that's odd.

Where did you go, Colonel Nutley?

Oh, you must've fallen behind the couch!

Okay, now where did you get to?

[ Chuckles ]

Ow! Ow. Ooh.

Oh, I must have pricked my finger on a pine needle.

Well, that's weird.

Where did my razor edge snipping shears go?

The extremely pointy ones

that I just had professionally sharpened?

They were right here! [ Snarling noise ]

Neil? Neil, is that you?

Do you want to run lines?

[ Babbling indistinctly ]

Aah! Aah!

Aah! -[ Grunts ]

Aah!

[ Screaming, grunting ]

**

[ Screeches ]

Aah!

[ Screaming, grunting continues ]

[ Glass shattering ]

[ Ornaments clinking ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Eerie, suspenseful music plays ]

[ Snarling ]

[ Screeches ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Grumbling ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Exhales ]

That's a wrap on Colonel Nutley!

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Screams ]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[ Growling ]

**

[ Grunts ]

Aah!

Neil: * La, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la

[ Roaring, screaming ]

[ Screams ]

Neil! Oh!

[ Babbles indistinctly ]

Aah! Oh! [ Laughs evilly ]

[ Growls ]

[ Babbles indistinctly ] [ Laughs ]

[ Breathing frantically ]

[ Laughs ]

Aah!

[ Laughs ]

Hello, Dolly!

Goodbye, Dolly!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Sobs ]

[ Slow, holiday-themed music plays ]

**

[ Exhales sharply ]

I try to be a company man when I can.

You know, please the executives.

So when the network came to me and asked

that I do a holiday special,

I said, "Sure, why not".

Did I want to do a holiday special?

Not really.

But I did, and I gave it my best -- 110%.

And what do I get in return for my trouble?

Stabbed in the thigh with my prized scissors

by a cursed doll.

[ Laughs ]

So let me tell you what's going to happen now with the rest

of my "holiday special".

I'm going to sit here, pour myself another drink,

and try to figure out how I'm going to break the news

to the Patrick Harris family.

You're welcome to hang out if you'd like.

Happy Holidays!

And whatever! [ Upbeat music plays ]

* I probably should go

* I probably should go

* I probably should go

But there's snow falling down...

* I have to get home

But there's ice all around...

Chassie, what are you doing?

Our duet.

Granted, it's more of a "one-et".

Look, I'm not doing a holiday special this year.

Why not?

Look around, Chassie, does any of this chaos

and blood raise any question marks for you?

Not so much questions -- memories, yes.

If when I leave a motel room and it doesn't look like this,

I've wasted my money.

Yes! Something bad happened.

Well, maybe singing will make you feel better.

One... We're not singing any duets.

We're not baking any gingerbread cookies.

And we're definitely not making anything crafty.

Read the sign.

Oh, well.

That's too bad.

I guess you wouldn't mind, then, if I left the show

a little early.

I got invited to a holiday party,

and I thought I'd pop over.

You work on this show, and you have a responsibility.

But you just said that you're not doing the show.

I didn't say I wasn't doing the show.

I said I wasn't doing a holiday special, okay?

So you're just going to stay here until quitting time.

And that's that!

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm going to go lay down!

What a Scrooge!

What did you say?

I said, um,

"Go get screwed"!

That better be what you said.

Now clean up this mess!

**

**

I hate it here.

[ Scoffs ]

Holiday specials.

Humbug!

**

[ Snoring ]

[ Chains rattle ]

Who is that?! Chassie?

[ Echoing ] Greetings.

Who are you?

Don't ask who I am,

ask who I was.

Who was you?

I am the one who sought you out, wrapped in the chains

I've forged in my other life.

Joined together, link by link,

by the horrible deeds of my former self!

But you are in danger

of forging same cumbersome chain!

[ Normally ] We were partners once,

haberdashers with a single purpose --

turn a profit.

Business, we said.

But what about the business of the common good of man?

I never had a business partner.

Are you sure you were in the right place?

Is this 316 Sycamore?

I'm afraid not. Ooh!

Oh, my.

How awkward.

Oh, God, I should go.

[ Exhales ]

You don't know where the Sycamore Street is?

I'm doing a show -- I...

Oh, yes, of course.

I'll find it.

[ Echoing ] I'm gone!

[ Chains rattling ]

[ Exhales ]

**

If you're just tuning in

to watch the "Amy Sedaris Holiday Special",

that show has been preempted by me taking a bath.

[ Bells tolling in distance ]

Oh, that's strange.

[ Bells tolling louder ]

[ Water splashes ]

Help! Help! Help!

I can't!

I'm okay, I'm okay.

I'm okay. [ Gasps ]

What are you doing in my bathtub?

I jumped in to save you!

Save me? What are you talking about?

You didn't go through with it, did you?

Go through with what? I was going to take a bath.

Exactly.

But I took a bath so you wouldn't have to.

Why don't you want me to take a bath?

Because you have so much to live for.

Can't you see? I'm your guardian angel.

If you're my guardian angel, where were you

when that nutcracker tried to slit my throat?

The point is, I'm here now to help you save you from yourself.

And to teach you about the true spirit of the holidays.

Well, why don't you get out of my tub?

I just had it re-glazed.

Oh, good point.

You know, Amy, there will be a lot of viewers

who would be very disappointed

that you're not going to have your holiday special.

Yeah, well, you know, that's tough.

I couldn't do a holiday special, even if I wanted to.

All my decorations were destroyed.

How did you know I was supposed to do a holiday special?

Oh, I know all about you, Amy Sedaris.

I know how partial you are to rickrack, and scalloped edges.

And sometimes in those cupcakes of yours,

you'd be putting imitation vanilla,

and be calling it "real vanilla".

You shut your mouth about that vanilla!

I'm not judging you, Amy.

We'll let St. Peter do that.

Yeah, well, if you know me so well, then you'll know

I'm never going to do a holiday special on TV again.

In fact, the way I see it, this might be my last TV show!

Better yet, I wish I never had this stupid hit TV show!

Don't you say that, Amy.

Well, no wait a minute.

Maybe she never had a hit TV show.

But should I? No, I shouldn't.

Maybe I should.

Oh, I don't know if Gabriel will like it.

All right then. Amy, you have your wish.

You've never had a hit TV show.

[ Machine whirs ]

We don't need to make such a fuss about it.

I don't know what's wrong with you,

but I need another drink.

**

Oh, what happened to my kitchen?

Where's my blender, my stove?!

You don't have a blender or a stove

because you don't have a kitchen to put them in.

Because you don't have a hit TV show.

Wait a minute. What is happening?

Am I in some sort of dream?

I want to talk to Patty Hogg.

She can explain everything to me.

Where's Patty Hogg?!

You're not going to like it, Amy.

Where is she?!

She never married into wealth.

She's a poor old maid who works in the library.

She'll be walking home now. [ Gasps ]

Patty!

Patty!

Who are you?

Well, I'm your friend and neighbor, Amy!

I don't know you!

But we're friends! [ Scoffs ]

I don't know you!

Oh!

[ Gasps ] Oh!

She seemed so alone and cold.

Why was she so cold?

Because she wasn't wearing her "At Home with Amy Sedaris"

fleece jacket.

Because you never gave it to her.

Because the network never gave it to you.

Because they didn't get any revenue from the advertisers.

Because you don't have a hit TV show.

No free fleece show jackets?

Well, that really puts the holidays in perspective.

You didn't happen to see an address book, did you?

I've misplaced it.

And I don't -- hello...

Clarence.

Hello, Jacob.

Shouldn't you be up in heaven lounging

on a cloud looking down on all of us working goats?

Working?

Is that what you call rattling chains and haunting attics?

Oh, did you not get your wings yet?

Better than the wings you'll never get.

Just sucking up to the big guy.

Let me put us in perspective.

Come Halloween,

who will be dressing up as angels?

Why, sexy women.

And who will be dressing up as ghosts?

Grade-school half-wits.

And old sheet and two eye holes cut out of it.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You're lucky. I could've been your father.

But the dog beat me over the fence.

That's right.

A dog jumped over a fence,

had a go of it with your mom,

and you came out.

How dare you! Mummy, mummy.

Do it one more time, you old blimey bastard! "Why can't I meet my real daddy"?

Can you two stop arguing?!

This is the time when angels and ghosts

are supposed to come together!

Don't you see?

The holiday spirit is bigger than you or me.

Sure I might have suffered an unspeakable tragedy

involving the death of a beloved entertainer,

but that is the time to embrace the holiday spirit even more

because that's where the healing starts.

Wait a minute.

That's it!

I've re-discovered the true meaning of the holidays.

Oh!

Oh!

Well, there's my blender!

My stove!

The corpse of a Broadway treasure!

We're going to do a holiday special!

Tink!

**

You, there, boy!

Yes, sir?

What day is it?

Why, it's Christmas Day, sir.

Oh, I haven't missed it!

Okay, good boy, wonderful boy, go down to the market

and fetch me the biggest canned ham you can find!

I think canned hams are all the same size, sir --

regulated by the canning industry they are.

Then give me the largest pound of Cornish hen

in the butcher shop!

Go off with you now!

I believe a pound is a consistent unit of weight, sir.

Then forget the pound, and get me 16 ounces!

I'm not sure you understand the true meaning of measurement.

Screw it! I'll cook what I have!

When we return,

I'll raid the cupboards and prepare a full holiday meal.

You know, that young street urchin made me realize

I don't need a fancy canned ham or snooty Cornish hen

to celebrate the holidays.

And I don't need to have to the perfect tree.

And you know something, neither do you.

I'm going to show you how to simplify the holidays.

I'll cook what I can find in the cupboards,

and I'll make the decorations by hand.

Because the holidays aren't about expensive presents

stuffed into stockings hung with care,

it's about what you can find in here...

in this broom closet.

Wow!

Well this broom will make the perfect tree!

And this dustpan will make a great star!

Look at this.

I can decorate these rubber gloves and make stockings.

Hmm, what else can I find in here?

Just me!

Jane Krakowski!

Happy Holidays, Amy!

You are here just in time to help me

make some holiday crafts.

Let's go there now.

* Beads and things, and glitter and strings *

* Glue and sew, and buttons and bows *

So, what are we making today?

Good question, Jane. Festive holiday crafts.

First, we'll be making the toilet paper reindeers.

Oh, I find those so en-deer-ing.

But how did you get the antlers to stick?

I used glue.

Glue?

Well, what kind of glue?

There are so many different kinds of glue.

Oh, just calm down.

Don't get hysterical.

There's a simple rule I learned in school.

It's easy to follow, unless you're a fool.

I'm not. I always win the place mat maze. [ Chuckles ]

* Use tacky with slick

* And gummy with grit

* Pasty with silky

* And sticky with stiff

* And if you're feeling extra moxie, use industrial epoxy *

* So now you have a clue about glue *

I think I get it.

If you have two things that need to be stuck like a stamp

on a letter or a beak on a duck...

* Grab a tube or a bottle of your favorite crafting tool *

* You can squeeze, the rest will follow the rules *

Right. * Use tacky with slick

* And gummy with grit

* Pasty with silky

* And sticky with stiff

* And if you're feeling extra moxie, use industrial epoxy *

* So now you have a clue about glue *

* Yes, we are the few who know just what to do *

* When he sole falls off your shoe *

* Or you need to thicken stew *

* Flexible, adaptable

* Multi-use, reliable

* Sticky, tacky, goopy, gloopy glue *

Thank you! [ Chuckles ]

Well, that was fun!

So, what kind of glue do we use?

We're not, actually.

We're going to go ahead and use tape

'cause glue can be a little messy.

Listen, I can't thank you enough for coming

and crafting with me today and singing.

Jane Krakowski, everybody.

[ Applause ] Okay, bye-bye.

Next, we're going to be talking about

cooking with wizard sleeves,

especially if you're using the back burner.

That can cause...

...a fire.

Jane, are you okay?

There's two exit signs. [ Chuckles ]

Okay.

Whew!

[ Chuckles ]

Boy, that Jane sure is a whore.

So often, we're held slave to the traditional,

especially when it comes to holiday meals.

I'm going to show you that you can pull together

a successful dinner

from whatever you have available in your cupboards.

Okay, so let's see.

Oh!

A can of yams.

This will be useful.

Let's see.

Oh!

A bag of miniature marshmallows.

This will be nice to top off my yams.

Let's see.

Oh, a 12-pound roasted turkey! [ Chuckles ]

This would make a great main course.

This meal is really shaping up.

**

**

**

**

[ Doorbell rings ]

Come along, Nutmeg! Don't slow me down!

Oh, we heard about your awful tragedy --

the holidays stolen from your tiny grasp.

And look at me. I was in such a hurry,

I threw on that old free fleece you gave me.

I must look ridiculous!

No, you look great.

Really?

Listen, we made you a holiday punch, just to lighten the load.

And what I did -- oh, I should say "we did" --

is we melted a gallon of pineapple rainbow

sherbet into some ginger ale.

No alcohol, except for the bourbon.

Oh, now why does it look so charming in here?

Well, I made all the decorations myself.

Oh, after all the unfortunate, unforeseen calamity,

I didn't think you'd be doing the holidays.

What a wonderful surprise!

Now, Nutmeg, I want you to take that punch bowl full of punch

and put it right down there on that table.

The table on top of that one-of-a-kind white shag carpet.

Isn't she adorable?

She just couldn't wait to try on her brand-new roller skates --

Christmas morning surprise.

There you are. Oh, good job.

Thanks for the punch, Patty.

Amy, well, that's what good neighbors do -- punch!

Now I don't want to interrupt your party.

We should get going.

We're heading up to our place next door.

Oh, before you go, I want to show you something.

Okay.

Gather round, everyone.

I have a little holiday surprise for you.

Come closer.

-Oh! -Ah!

30 minutes ago, I believed the holiday special

meant expensive production numbers,

preparing a pricey feast,

and having a pricey collection of glamorous guests.

But since then, I've come to learn

that it's not about that at all.

It's about regular people celebrating in a regular way.

The holidays are about giving whatever you can

of whatever you have to whoever would want it.

So, just to make a long story short, this is my gift to you --

no strings attached.

**

**

See the head comes up.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

So simple.

Ageless, really.

Ageless.

**

**

Well, it's the end of another show.

And it's time for hits and misses.

Hits -- I got my holiday spirit back

and I provided cheer for the common man.

Misses -- I didn't have enough tinsel for my broom tree,

my cookies were a little dry,

and oh, yeah, a celebrity was murdered.

All in all, it was a very successful holiday show.

See you next week when we'll be talking about bat sleeves.

Good night.

**

**