Original subtitles

Hello.

As my long-time viewers know, this is a show about homemaking,

and most of that making happens inside the home,

which is why in order to get fresh air,

I start every morning the same way --

practicing tai chi naked.

[ Inhales deeply ] Ahhhhh!

Mm.

Just to feel the wind on my body rejuvenates my cheeks --

all four of them.

Ah, yes.

[ Breathing deeply ]

**

**

[ Grunting ]

[ Breathing deeply ]

**

Ah!

Whew, that felt good. [ Sighs ]

Ooh, ah.

Ah, that feels good.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, no! I've locked myself out.

What am I gonna do?

I'm supposed to be throwing a dinner party for guests tonight.

Wait a minute.

Why do I need to get into my house

to prepare for a dinner party?

Everything I could possibly need, the forest will provide.

Nature -- tonight on a very special

"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

Hello, squirrel.

[ Squirrel chitters ]

**

**

Thanks to that helpful scarecrow,

I found some suitable clothes.

What do an escaped convict, a lovable tramp,

and an American Indian have in common?

Aside from evading the law,

the answer is the great outdoors.

They share a unique ability to construct from nature

the items they need to survive.

Nature is like a grocery store with bees.

Many people panic when they're lost in the woods,

but the woods are the safest place you can be.

Did you know 100% of household accidents happen in the home?

Toaster electrocutions, tub drownings,

break-ins, armoire crushings,

ceiling-fan decapitations.

I got to get rid of that fan.

But I'm gonna show you that everything you need

to throw a great dinner party for special guests

is all right here.

Imagine, you're lost in the wilderness

and have a party to throw in a few hours.

What would you do first? Build a shelter?

Find water? Start a fire?

For me, it's make a backscratcher.

I got strands of hay from that scarecrow in my shirt

and it's killing me.

A pine cone, which I have here, makes a perfect backscratcher.

It's like a tiny fist with really chapped skin.

And I'm gonna use this stick as the handle.

Now, I just need to attach them together.

Oh, look. A family of worms.

Perfect. Ooh.

God. Find it. Come on. You got it.

Ahh. Look at that. Ha-ha!

Oh, it's not quite long enough, and I've used the whole family.

[ Mouse squeaks ] I know.

I'll take the tail off that harvest mouse.

Come here. Hey. No.

Look at that. Perfect.

That's what's most beautiful about nature.

It's so bountiful.

And in the forest,

there is no such thing as shoplifting,

so take all you can carry.

Because no matter how many shell necklaces you create,

nature is always going to make more mollusks.

And if for some reason it doesn't,

are we really gonna miss mollusks?

Mm. Ah, yeah.

Ah, right there.

So, the next step in preparing my outdoor dinner party

is gathering food.

And here to help us is my good friend Sully.

[ Applause ]

Hi there, Sully.

I was just planning my menu and scratching my back.

-Did you make that? -I sure did.

Let me see. It's nice.

Ooh, you fastened it with a mouse tail.

I use mouse tails for all kinds of things --

forget-me-nots and bolo ties,

shoe laces, dental floss.

Actually, I'm kind of surprised

you were able to find a mouse with a tail still on.

I must've missed one.

Sully, nobody knows the outdoors better than you do.

Well, that's right. I've been living off the land for...

well, almost a half a century now.

The woods are my home. The animals are my friends.

Except, of course, the mice. They tend to hold a grudge.

-Well, what's your life like? -Oh, well,

imagine you've gone on a camping trip

and then you never went home.

-Mm. -Or you couldn't.

Anyway, it's called the great outdoors,

not the pretty good outdoors.

-Yeah. -You know something?

You're dressed just like my girlfriend.

-Oh? -She doesn't say much.

She's a scarecrow. -Oh, okay.

So, Sully, I'm preparing a complete dinner

from items I find in the woods.

What kind of things do you eat?

Oh, nuts and berries

and occasionally a squirrel or a rabbit.

-Hm. -You ever eat a cattail?

You know, I didn't know they were edible.

No, they're not, but when you're hungry, you lower the bar.

Oh. Hey, what's in your sack?

Well, I'm glad you mentioned that.

I've been gathering these from the forest,

and they would be perfect for your dinner.

Both: An assortment of nuts.

Wow, what do you got, there?

Well, we got hazelnuts and almonds.

Ooh, a buckeye.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

"Buckeye," that's a funny word. What's a buckeye?

Well, it's got what appears to be an eye on it...

-Oh, yeah. -...like it's watching you...

-Oh. -...like it's judging you

for the choices you've made in your life.

I hate buckeyes. What do they know?

Okay, well, you know, you can't just exist on nuts alone.

How do you cook in the wild?

Well, I don't use any pots or pans or utensils.

I made these tongs from a tree branch.

I sliced right down into the "V" here

to get that nice, springy action.

You see that? Look at that. -Yeah.

Like the jaws of a cobra.

Just try snatching one of those nuts.

-Oh, I'm good. -Do it, Scarecrow.

-I -- -Do it!

-Hah! -Aah! Oh. Oh, you're good.

-I am. -My goodness.

Well, listen, cooking without pots and pans.

That's like scaring away raccoons without pots and pans.

How do you do it?

Just imagine you have a pan on top of a fire,

and then take the pan away.

-Oh, okay. -I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna go find some meat

and then I'll come back later in the show,

and I'll teach you how to cook without pots or pans.

Oh, that sounds great, Sully.

Okay, we'll see you in a little bit. Bye-bye.

So, we have nuts for our big dinner,

and next -- can I help you, Sully?

I was just wondering if maybe, you know, before I run off,

maybe you and I could, you know...

you know...

I don't think so.

Your loss, Scarecrow.

Anyway, I got my eye on an old hornet's nest.

-Ah. -Her name's Sharon.

Okay. While Sully scares up meat,

we'll go gather some kindling for the fire.

And here to help us build it is Ranger Russell Biscuit.

[ Applause ]

-I sure am happy to see you. -That makes two of us, Amy.

Hey, look at you.

Looks like you shop at the same store as Sully's girlfriend.

-Well, I sort of borrowed these. -So, what you up to?

Well, I was just gathering some twigs for a fire.

Well, it's a good thing that I stumbled upon you, then.

Have you ever heard of the old story

about the French trapper who stumbled upon

the white man's fire and exclaimed,

"Huh? Merde. Ze fire is too grande.

She will burn up ze forest to ze very ground.

French trapper... She build petite fire.

Eez safe."

Are you sure it wasn't a Chinese guy?

Well, I think the point of the story is, Amy,

always build a safe fire.

First, make sure the fire is away from trees.

Secondly...

...encircle the fire area with stones.

Ooh.

-Oh, yeah. -Whew.

Now...build your teepee with your twigs.

Um, Russell, what's the difference

between a teepee and a wigwam?

Well, one of them will get you killed.

Oh.

Yeah, you see, a teepee, it burns up.

You build your twigs in the form of a-a wigwam,

well that fire will burn all cattywampus,

and then, well, you know, it's every man for himself.

My goodness. I guess I'll stick to a teepee, then.

That's good, responsible thinking there.

And then of course if the fire gets out of control,

I can always call Smokey the Bear.

Smokey is a fictitious character

that, uh, some marketing company

cooked up to teach camping safety,

because apparently a human forest ranger

just don't look so good on a poster.

You know, nobody seems to care that a real ranger...

...needs a bachelor's degree in forestry.

And I get it, a bear in a ranger hat, that's kind of funny,

but I bet it's less amusing when you need help

because you're on fire. -Yeah.

-Think about that. -[ Sighs ]

Thank you, Ranger Russell Biscuit,

for teaching us how to build a fire.

When we return, we'll look for edible mushrooms

to add to our meal from the forest.

Welcome back.

We're out here in the woods, hunting for mushrooms,

one of my favorite pastimes -- behind hunting for seashells,

tracking elk, and fishing for compliments.

I could never pull off palazzo pants, could I?

[ Chuckles, gasps ] Wow.

Nice purple-spored puffball.

Beautiful.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my land. Look at this.

A spotted wood blewit.

Fine gills finishing up the stem junction.

No maggot holes. That's a plus for most things.

Oh.

And what do we have here?

This is my favorite fungus.

The much maligned little blue-capped morel,

which many mistake for the violet stemmed chanterelle,

well known as a magic mushroom.

But, if you look closely, right here,

the blue cap has jet-black spores and pale gills,

unlike the violet chanterelle

which has the pale spores and jet-black gills.

Hmm...Or what it the other way around?

[ Laughing ]

[ Echoing ] I don't know. I don't remember.

[ Laughing ]

**

**

**

**

**

Ruth: Hello?

[ Groans ]

-Hey there, Ruth. -Oh, Amy.

For a second, I thought Sully's girlfriend

got down off the post.

Nice of you to drop in. I can use the company.

Esther will be gone for a while.

She went to the city to get a new map of the woods.

I hope she made it to the city. She was using the old map.

Oh, that's funny, I would think you'd know the woods

like the back of your hand. -No, I don't.

All I have to use as markers are the trees,

and they're always changing.

Sometimes they have leaves, sometimes they don't.

Sometimes -- the leaves? -- they change color.

Well, Ruth, as it turns out,

you're just the right person for me to talk to.

I'm having a special dinner party this evening,

and I need a centerpiece.

So maybe you can help me put it together

with items that we find in nature.

Well, that's my specialty. I'm a naturalist.

Let's wander into the woods

and see what the forest can provide us.

Tree bark -- that would make a good vase.

Moss -- that's pretty.

Deer antlers.

Wow, an old running shoe.

A rusted beer can. A bike tire.

Wow, this is gonna be the best centerpiece ever.

Wait a minute. Did you move?

Oh, I'm just following you.

But you were our marker. We'll never find our way back.

Well, your cabin's right there.

-Who's house is that? -Yours.

It doesn't look like that when I'm in it.

All right, let's not panic.

We'll keep our eye on that house,

walk toward it, and ask for help.

Oh, my God! Who's tracks are these?

We're being followed. They're right behind us.

Run, Amy.

[ Sighs ]

We are gonna start with the tree bark,

because when putting together a natural centerpiece,

you want to mimic what you see in nature.

I think the shoe would come next.

That makes sense.

Now, I make my own adhesive from tree sap.

While I adhere these two items together,

why don't you take a moment and do a little birdwatching?

Oh [chuckles]

One thing I won't do in the woods is birdwatch.

Birdwatchers are nature's peeping toms.

[ Chuckles ] I mean, where does it end?

Next I'm spying on squirrels, then before you know it,

I'm right back outside my ex-boyfriend's window.

I don't think so. -Oh no, I don't believe that.

Give them a peep. Isn't that okay, Artemis?

[ Squawks ]

That sounds like permission to me. It can't hurt to look.

Okay, well, if Artemis says it's okay.

Ah. Look, a couple of blue jays.

And I think they're in love.

[ Both chirping ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Squeals ]

[ Dramatic music continues ]

[ Squawks ]

-I didn't see a thing! -Everything okay, Amy?

Yeah, you know, no birds out today.

Oh, too bad. What do you think?

I meticulously crafted this natural sculpture.

Every item has its purpose.

Whoops.

Oh, you're missing pieces right and left.

Oh, we don't need them.

Okay, well, I think it's the perfect addition

to nature's dinner,

and I can't wait to bring it back to my table.

-Thanks, Ruth. -Oops. Be careful.

-I got it. -Bye, Amy.

**

-How's it going, Sully? -Good.

I got the ashes good and hot.

Now let's throw the meat on there.

You just throw the meat right on the ashes?

Yeah, that's where the flavor is.

Well, isn't the flavor in the food?

-[ Chuckling ] No. -Oh. Okay.

Well, what kind of meat is that?

Well, let's just say it's the kind of meat

that doesn't run very fast.

Hmm, sounds slow. What else are we making?

Well, I have this gourd here...

-Uh-huh. -...filled with water,

and I'm gonna take some hot rocks

from in here in the fire and place them in the water.

-[ Chuckles ] -And look at that.

-[ Chuckles ] -It's starting to boil.

Wow. Well, what can you do with hot water?

Oh, all kinds of things. You can make soup or tea

or just let it cool down and then heat it up again.

That's my favorite. I'll show you something.

Have you ever seen these before?

Um, they look like potatoes.

Oh.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Well, we'll cook them anyway.

Okay. There you go. Wow.

Now, while Sully finishes cooking,

I'm gonna make sure everything is taken care of for my dinner.

**

[ Whistling, clicks tongue ]

-[ Chuckles ] -Oh, hey.

-Hey there, Russell. -Amy.

I was just making sure everything is ready

for my guests this evening.

I've got my setting.

The food is being prepared. I've got music.

Can you think of anything I'm missing?

Doodie ditch.

-Doodie ditch? -Doodie ditch.

When you spend an extended period of time outdoors,

on the list of things to do, number one is number two.

Hm.

You cannot throw a successful birthday party

without giving your people a proper place to poop.

I tried it once, and the party was a disaster.

Second worst birthday party I've ever had.

Now, someone might think that, "Oh, uh, just some random tree.

I'll get behind there and make like a carriage horse."

But unless you're planning to immediately evacuate the area,

you will quickly be educated as to your faulty thinking.

That is why digging a doodie ditch is essential.

First, you'll need a spade.

Mm.

Well, here's a coconut.

A coconut?

Perfect.

It's the perfect digger, and I'll tell you why.

You break it and you get shards.

I'll show you how.

You grab it firmly in one hand... Okay.

...and you find what they call the face of the coconut.

Now, if you look closely,

beneath the wispy little hairs here,

you'll see a thin line that runs up and over the skull.

-Yeah. -So find a sharp rock.

And, uh, you turn, uh, the face away from you.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Just, uh...pick a spot to focus on in the woods.

It'll be over quick. I promise. I'm so sorry.

You want me to leave you two alone?

-No. It's fine. -Oh, okay.

He knows what he signed up for by being a coconut.

[ Grunts ] -[ Gasps ]

And here we have the perfect blade to the spade.

All we need now is a handle.

Mm. How about this?

Ah. Good.

[ Spade clanks ]

[ Chuckles ]

Never put your doodie ditch close to a stream,

buried cable wires, undetonated land mines, or train tracks.

And remember, after each fresh-baked offering,

cover with a layer of dirt.

[ Applause ]

Now, the last and most important step

is to make sure that you signal where your doodie ditch is

so that nobody steps into it by accident.

Oh, we can skip that step.

I've got guests coming any minute.

No, that's a bad idea.

Amy, I cannot stress enough how crucial this one step is.

It's gonna be fine. Come here.

I want to show you how I made the napkins.

-Oh, my goodness. -Yeah, leaves.

[ Classical music plays ]

Okay, first of all, I spent all day outside

planning a dinner party for special guests

that turned out to be all of you.

So let me tell you what's on the menu.

A bounty of Mother Nature's droppings,

a generous offering from Sully's nut sack,

ash-roasted game loin,

a gathering of gourd-boiled forest potatoes,

whittled goblets of nature's nectar,

and an assortment of fleshy fungi --

chanterelles, toadstools, and puffballs.

Of course, Russell's freshly-dug doodie ditch.

Unfortunately, he's not here

because he refuses to break bread with a bear.

-[ Growls ] -[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Esther brought some of her jazzy records.

And Ruth, of course, made our lovely centerpiece.

But let's give special thanks to Mother Nature,

who provided this wonderful bounty.

Whenever we are in need,

she always will keep us safely nestled in her abundant bosom.

Because you see, nature is always on our side --

Esther: Look out! Snake!

[ Hisses ]

Nobody move!

It's a Red Band Long Necked Moist Mouth.

-Throw a rock at it. -No, you'll never hit it.

That snake has the reflexes of a cat stuffed into a tube.

Oh, he's right. Don't underestimate its tenacity.

They're unkillable.

I've seen a Moist Mouth

bring down a school bus full of children.

Well, maybe we can't kill it,

but it doesn't mean I can't charm it.

No, that's madness.

Everyone just stay where you are.

I can do this. I've charmed worse guests than this before.

Just ask my hallucination.

Sully, play some snake-charming music.

[ Record scratches, classical music stops ]

**

[ Vocalizes ]

**

[ Vocalizes, hisses ]

**

[ Vocalizes ]

**

It's working.

**

Aah! Doodie! Aah!

[ Hisses ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

-[ Screams ] -[ Growls ]

[ Screaming ]

Amy... A-A-Amy, it's Russell.

I heard the screams.

The horrible, horrible screams.

But you're safe now. -What?

We were in the forest having dinner

that we made without pots or pans.

And you were there and...you

and you and you and you.

It was just a dream, Amy.

They might have to amputate her arm.

What are they doing with my arm?

I meant amputate it in the dream.

Oh, good. I'm glad my arm is okay.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Wait, but it couldn't have been a dream.

We were all there, and...

then that horrible snake showed up.

-We all dreamed silly dreams. -Wait a minute...

if that was a dream, then what is this?

Why am I here in this hospital bed?

Shh. You just need some rest.

We're gonna step outside so the doctors

can come on in and check you out.

Sharon and I just know you're gonna be fine.

[ Heart monitor beeping ]

[ Rattling ]

Wait a second.

Is she gonna be okay, Doc?

I feel safe now.

[ Dramatic music plays ] [ Hisses ]

[ Hisses ]

It's time to record our hits and misses in the Party Log.

Hits -- cooking without pots and pans is fun.

People loves nuts.

Sully found my house key in the doodie ditch.

Misses -- never trust a doctor without ears and shoulders.

Well, that's it for now. Good night.

[ Chuckling ] Oh.

I told you I could charm it.

[ Giggles ]

[ Hisses ]