Original subtitles

[ Sad, mournful music plays ]

Oh, hello.

Don't worry, I didn't know him.

I just wandered in here by accident looking for a bathroom.

I'll go as soon as I can leave without raising suspicion.

Man: Shh!

But as it turns out, this is a happy accident,

because it's a stark reminder that, sometimes, people are sad.

Tonight, we'll learn how to entertain the heartbroken,

amuse the inconsolable, and perk up the distraught.

"Grieving" -- tonight, on a very special

"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

How did you know the deceased?

Oh. He was my, uh, boyfriend.

That's surprising, because I'm his wife.

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant "lover".

Hm.

**

We've all lost someone we care about.

For instance, a few years back,

I was in a bathtub with a Chinese man.

And I felt what I was sure to be a cyst on his testicle.

I urged him to see a specialist right away.

He protested, saying it was nothing.

Eventually, he relented, and after a thorough exam,

turned out he was right.

It was nothing.

On the way home, he was murdered.

I'm sure we've all experienced similar stories of loss.

The truth is, you can't swing a dead cat

without hitting someone who is grieving --

especially if they were the owner of that cat.

There is no bigger hospitality challenge

than entertaining for the grieving.

What do you say to them?

What can you offer?

How do you balance compassion against all the fun things

you'd rather be doing?

I always like to present the distraught with a small plant,

started from a cutting or sampling.

This represents a new beginning.

If you look closely --

Smokey, if you can get a close-up on this --

you can see the roots lounging in the water,

like the tentacles of a -- a squid, be it.

Not calamari, squid.

Not all plants sprout when they are in water, of course,

like those I put in my fish tank, for instance.

If they did, I'd have a tank full of roots

instead of my happy fish Ragsdale.

**

Ragsdale...?

Sorry, just a minute. Ragsdale?

What are you doing at the bottom of the tank, buddy?

Just see if I can just perk him up.

Oh my God, Ragsdale.

What's going on, buddy?

What are you doing on the bottom of a tank?

Well, his eyes are wide open!

That's a good sign!

Hey.

I saw on this special once, if you just apply salt

to the water, that'll perk him right up.

Okay. Just use a common table salt

you'd get in any restaurant.

There you go, baby!

There you are -- oh God, it didn't work.

Celery seeds, crushed red pepper, hot sauce!

[panicked voice] Ragsdale, come on, baby!

[ Cries ]

Oh, God!

[crying] Oh my God.

[ Funeral music playing ]

[ Sighs ]

Goodnight, my sweet fish.

All of you.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Wolves howl ]

So sad.

[ Door opens, bell chimes ]

Knock knock knock!

Oh, I heard about your loss!

I thought I'd be a good neighbor and rush right on over.

Now, I hope you don't mind, I brought Nutmeg.

Nutmeg!

You can pick one thing out from the house!

Don't worry, she'll bring it right back.

I also made you some award-winning gingersnaps.

I'm gonna need this tin back.

And I dug up a ranunculus right out of my Yard of the Month!

Just dug it up!

You know, I've won three years in a row --

not to toot my own horn.

Now, I know you've competed and never won Yard of the Month,

but let me give you a quick tip, Amy-Lou.

Stop burying dead animals in the yard!

You know, Patty, I am not feeling up to you today.

I'm just gonna lay on the couch

with a pantyhose eye burrito over my eyes

and listen to some whale songs.

A pantyhose eye burrito -- say what, now?

That sounds like an intro to Crafting Corner to me.

Let's go, Amy!

[Singing, crying ] Beads and things and Ragsdale -- [ cries ] --

Bows.

Okay. Well, today we're gonna be learning

how to make a pantyhose eye burrito

'cause the show must go on.

This is my assistant, Doug.

Dawn.

Oh, I'm sorry, uh, Doug.

And, um, he's gonna assist me today.

So, what you're gonna need is, um, some beans.

If you don't have beans, you can use dimes or kitty litter

or something heavy.

That, uh, substance, but not,

like, charcoal or anything like that.

You're gonna need some glue and pantyhose.

I don't see the pantyhose.

Did you not set the pantyhose, Doug?

I wasn't told to.

Okay. Well, are you wearing pantyhose?

I am.

Well, I don't even know why you're wearing pantyhose.

I ask all my assistants to have a fake tan.

I can't afford it.

Oh. So, now you're asking for more money?

-No, I'm not asking for -- -That's what I heard.

I guess we hear what we want to hear, don't we?

All right. I need you to remove your pantyhose, please.

[Whispering] I'd prefer not to.

Well, I would prefer not to have lost an adored fish, okay?

But that's the way it went.

There's nothing I can do to change that.

Now, I'm not gonna make you do something

you don't want to do here on national television

just because it might ease my suffering, but...

I need you to remove your pantyhose.

Okay.

And I'll just have someone punch you out

and then punch you back in since this

is gonna take an incredible amount of time.

[Under breathe] ...wait.

The entire male crew will wait.

Thank you, Dwayne.

Dawn.

Okay.

Then, you're gonna do like so.

Oh my God, why are they so wet?

Now, I want you to hold these up, Derrick.

All right. What I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna cut off one leg, like so...

Then, I'm gonna go ahead and cut off the other leg.

And there, you have an instant bike short, lots of support.

Okay. So, what we're gonna do is,

we're gonna take one of the damp legs

and you're gonna fill it with beans,

about a pound or a bag and a half.

You can use any size bean.

You might want to use something with more of a lip

that you can just pour into,

'cause scooping can be a little time-consuming.

And if you are poor and you want to be on the clock more,

then it makes absolutely all the sense in the world.

Keep going.

It's almost as if I'm your assistant.

Okay. Now, you're gonna tie that off at the end.

And what I do, sometimes, is that, I use the other moist leg

and I reinforce it.

All right, there we go.

Okay. Why don't you work that down.

Okay. And now, you're gonna knot it off, right here at the end.

Knot it right there.

Okay. So, there you have the basic eye burrito.

Now, you're gonna lay it flat.

What color are your eyes? -Blue.

They look more brown to me.

You can do all different kinds of sizes and shapes.

Hm, this is almost the shape of a fish.

I didn't think about that.

It's fish-shaped.

That's odd.

Okay. And there you have the basic eye burrito.

You just -- let me just show them,

because Doug has large, um, bags under his eyes.

The bag area we have here and on this side.

So, this is really good to cradle over there.

and that will bring that baggage down.

Okay. Well, that's pretty much it for the eye burrito.

Why don't you clean this mess up, clock out.

Okay. And I'll take my eye burrito.

Thank you very much, Doug.

Dawn.

Patty: See, doesn't it feel better to do your show?

Now, wouldn't it be easier if you cradled this bag

of frozen spring peas over your face?

I don't feel well.

There you go. Listen, why don't you just

sit there, relax, release.

Keep your feet up, make yourself at home,

and I'll take care of everything else.

I've already started making myself a cup of hot iced tea.

[ Fake laughter ]

And here's another Yard of the Month tip --

heirloom seeds!

You can always order them from Quarrels and Hogg

seed catalogue.

You know, Quarrels and Hogg?

My great-great-great granddaddy's company.

Of course, it's just Hogg seeds now.

They had a rift.

They didn't click. They didn't click!

So, they divided the company into two, just like a worm.

Quarrels went on into fertilizer

and my great-great-great granddaddy

kept the seed company.

That's where I get my heirlooms!

Now, Amy, the point is, you're not gonna

win Yard of the Month overnight.

It's not easy.

I know, I'm on the committee.

So, what I want you to do is, let me take over in here.

I mean, how hard can it be to run a little TV show?

I can do it, trust me.

Just tell me where to look.

Right here? Okay, Smokey.

Roll it!

**

Hello. I'm Patty Hogg, and I'll be your guest host tonight.

Let's take some phone calls!

Hello. What's your question and where are you in the house?

Trina: Hi, my name is Trina.

Do you live near the Tanglewood area?

-Sort of. -I knew it!

I heard it in your voice!

I'm a Triangle staple myself.

My parents came over on the Mayflower.

I have roots here.

Oh my land, look at this.

She's got her tea cups mixed with her juice glasses.

Oh, Amy, you are just useless!

Okay, Trina, what's your question?

Trina: I attend a lot of wakes and I'm always lost

for something to say to the widow or widower.

So, why are you calling me?

Trina: To get an answer to my question.

Oh! Oh, right!

Oh my land, I forgot I'm taking phone calls!

Okay! I got it, I got it, I got it!

Okay. What to say to a grieving person?

The best thing you can do is to be honest.

Here are some things I've said to the grieving.

"Was he drinking when this happened?

And where were you?"

Next call! Keep them coming!

Hold, please.

Nutmeg! Nutmeg!

Don't cut that!

You are a guest in this house!

We have Linda Mungus from the Research Triangle area.

Linda lost her husband last spring.

Oh, good God, almighty.

I just saw your photo.

I see the loss has taken its toll, Linda.

Linda: That picture was taken before my husband passed away.

Oh.

Well, in that case, you look swell.

It reminds me -- rooftop bees, be careful around the hive!

What's your question?

Linda: This will be the first holiday without my husband,

and I'm not sure if I should make a whole turkey.

I'm leaning toward just making a chicken breast,

but it doesn't seem festive.

Make the turkey, Linda.

Make the turkey! It's the holidays!

Looks so lovely on a platter.

I'll take one more call.

You're on with Patty Hogg!

Amy: Hi, Patty, this is Amy calling from the couch.

What can I do you for, Amy?

Well, Nutmeg is rubbing feces all over my designer curtains.

Now, is it her feces?

What difference does it make?

Well, she swallowed my cocktail ring and I'd like it bac.

Leslie gave it to me years ago.

It's a family crest -- the family crest!

I've said too much!

What's your question, Amy-Lou?

How do you tell a person to leave

who has burst into your home

and taken over your show?

Well, that's a terrific question,

and I'll answer that after we return

from this commercial break.

-I'll hold. -This is called a teaser.

I want you to stick around because I don't kiss and tell.

A lot more's gonna ha--

I was in the middle of a sentence, Smokey!

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Patty: What should we do now?

Ah. Gingersnaps.

Oh!

What's this I see?

Okay, let's see. Okie-dokie.

Oh, here we go!

"Ideas for segments -- grieving calisthenics,

exercise the pain away."

How about "throw the index card away"?

"Salads for sadsacks!"

No one cares.

Hmm. "Dried flowers."

I think we have a winner!

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!

Let's see.

"For a burial, most mourners bring fresh-cut flowers

to toss on a newly dug grave,

but that's just covering death with a blanket

of what will soon be more death.

That's why I think a dry wreath flower arrangement

is a perfect idea."

And it is!

Nothing makes me happier than wandering

into my Yard of the Month,

heading over to the flower-clippings patch,

cutting some flowers, and putting them

into my dehydrating shed.

It's the same place I dry my award-winning hams!

Let's see here. Oh.

"Drying flowers is an enjoyable pastime" --

agreed.

"And to teach us how let's go see Ruth,

the lady in the lodge, question mark, exclamation-point."

Well, what does she know about drying flowers?

I'm the person you want drying your flowers!

I'm Yard of the Month winner!

You know, that woman defecates in my yard --

defecates in my yard!

* Deep in the forest, a lady lives *

* In a small house that is made of twigs *

* She's earthy and simple and looks very plain *

* And what you don't know she will try explain *

* She bathes in a creek and she sleeps on a cot *

* Feasting on mushrooms and apricots *

* Her bathroom's a hole in the dirt that she dug *

* Her friends are a raccoon and a slimy spring slug *

* She's the Lady who Lives In The Woods *

**

Oh, hello, and welcome.

Do you like my dried-flower memorial wreath?

This will go on top of the grave we'll be digging for our cat

Hodge who died recently.

Hodge was an older cat,

but still, his demise was a little premature.

He nibbled on an amaryllis,

which Esther brought into our cabin.

Now, any naturalist worth her salt

knows amaryllis is toxic to cats.

But somehow, this vital information eluded Esther.

So, now, we just have one cat.

One lonely cat.

This is where Hodge will spend his eternity --

nestled in his homemade coffin,

or cat...

sket.

Drying flowers is a very complicated process.

How do you think one might dry flowers, Esther?

Stop watering them.

Okay. Yes.

But to hasten the process, place your cut flowers

in a bowl of silica gel.

Once your flowers are dried,

you want to wrap a wire around the stem.

You can then assemble your dried flowers

into whatever shape you choose.

Do you know what kind of flower this is, Esther?

This is a baby's breath,

which is appropriate, because Hodge loved to chew on these.

He loved to chew on all the houseplants, so you can see

why he was confused when the amaryllis showed up.

[ Car door closing, car leaving ]

Well, we'll see you next time here at the Lodge.

[ Squawks ]

Artemis, I couldn't agree more!

I couldn't agree more.

* She's the Lady who Lives In The Woods *

Welcome back to "At Home With Amy Sedaris"!

I'm Patty Hogg on this very special episode on grieving.

Now, I thought it might be fun

to speak to an expert on sadsacks.

Please welcome, from Sullen and Sons --

the local funeral home in Morehead City --

mortician Frank Sons.

[ Funeral music plays ]

Nice to have you here, Frank!

I'm happy to be here.

Now, how's your lovely wife, Eleanor?

You know, I saw her in church last Sunday.

She looks good for a woman who was thrown

from a riding lawnmower.

She's resilient.

[ Applause ]

Now, Frank, I imagine in the funeral-parlor business

that you come across a lot of really distraught people.

I do.

It helps that it's their loss and not mine.

But how do you keep all that sadness from rubbing off on you?

I can't imagine being surrounded by the darkest of clouds,

all that crying and sobbing and wailing.

How do you do it? Tell us now. Tell us, Frank.

I've learned from a young age to shut it down, put up a wall.

I deny even the most basic form

of human empathy or emotional connection.

I mean, I just don't understand it.

How you can be surrounded by it, day after day,

day in and day out, on a daily basis,

around all those unfortunate corpses,

a constant reminder that death

is just knocking on the backscreen door,

so close, so close!

Don't open the door, Frank! Don't open that door!

[ Cries ]

I hate my life!

Okay, okay.

Get a hold of yourself, Frank.

Now, I want you to give my best regards to Eleanor.

May she be up and running that lawnmower soon.

[ Applause ]

Look what I made. You remember Nutmeg?

-[ Cries ] -Okay.

Well, you just sit with your thoughts.

Frank the mortician, everybody.

Well, this is awkward.

Oh! Welcome back to "At Home with Amy Sedaris".

I'm her neighbor, Patty Hogg.

You have to leave now.

Don't get off that couch!

It's too soon. it's too soon.

You haven't even completed your 12 steps of grieving.

Have you apologized to all the people that you've hurt?

I have a show to do.

Well, your show has already left the station!

And guess who the conductor is?!

Now, to help you through the grieving process,

I've invited a few people over from the community

to throw you a proper wake for your fish, Ragsdale.

-What? -And I'm supplying the main course.

I've got my award-winning meat shoulder in the oven!

Talk about easy-peasy!

Do you want to see how I made it?

No.

I thought you'd never ask.

Roll it!

**

I assembled a crack squad of "meatateers"

and had them compete to see who can carve

the finest cut of shoulder --

the shoulder being the knees or the neck.

And we crowned a winner!

Well, that's my roll-in.

Good for you.

Now, I've asked all the guests to bring a covered dish

and to tape their names to the side.

I don't want any mix-ups.

One time, I left Evelyn Rancor's house with the wrong platter,

and you know how I feel about my platters.

I even called Miss Lockemy from the Triangle Church choir

to bless us with a spiritual.

You know, I'm really not in the mood for guests today.

Of course you're not!

Look at you, all covered with bloat and pale,

looking like all the blood has been drained

from that tiny skull of yours.

Dark circles around your eyes,

looking like that raccoon who does your accounting.

Good news! Frank the mortician is coming by --

he was here earlier --

and he's gonna make you look alive.

Do a little punch-up, a punch-up!

I sure hope you've got good tipping money,

'cause he's got his work cut out for him today.

I really don't think I need any makeup.

I think you're over-exagger-- [ Doorbell rings ]

Please welcome back Frank the mortician!

[ Applause ]

I'm happy to be back.

What have you been up to since you were here last, Frank?

I walked out to my car and got my makeup case.

There's your freak show, Frank. There's your freak show.

This is gonna take a lot of work.

That's what I told her.

Hmm.

What do we have here?

Hmm.

Tissue fixture, massive decomposition,

stiffening of the epidermis, flagrant detritus.

You know I'm still alive, right?

Oh, you will be when I get done with you.

I told you Frank was the right man for the job.

What about filling that hole right there?

-Yeah, I'm gonna -- -And can you lance that?

-Yes, I can -- -And can you shave that down?

Maybe something with that upper lip?

Now, Frank, I know you're busy with Amy and all,

but I was just wondering, what you would do for me?

Can you lower my brow?

Can you lift my chin?

Or maybe, I can come by the funeral parlor

and you can just have a look-see.

You are unbelievable, Frank -- unbelievable.

There you go. There you go!

Look who's coming alive!

Now, while Frank tends to Amy's face,

we're gonna go to commercial break.

We'll be right back!

That's my line.

Mnh-mnh, too late! We're already gone!

[ Piano music plays ]

[ Hums ]

* We're all together again

* We're here, we're here

* We're all together again We're here *

* We're all together again

* Singing all together again

* Yes, we're all together again *

* We're here, we're here *

Get out of here. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Welcome to my wake!

I'm Patty Hogg, and this is a hit!

I can tell everyone is having a wonderful, gloomy time.

While their guest of honor is off changing

into a grieving ensemble,

let me set the stage!

Smokey has set the lights low,

candles are bright, a bowl of bananas,

and my dried-flower reef.

It's the magic Triangle -- fruit, fire, flowers!

It's all about the flow of the table.

It tells a story, and this one's about eating!

Naomi's hot nuts, Vicki's pickled beats,

Bernie's artichoke au gratin, Bill's smoked sardines...

Smoked sardines? Well, that's in poor taste.

Not on my watch, Bill!

A-boo, a-hoo!

Lui's hot chicken salad, Nutmeg's banana pudding.

The ingredients might be suspect on that one.

Sarah's deviled eggs, and of course,

Patty Hogg's award-winning meat shoulder!

Now, if you want more information about these recipes,

shame on you!

This is a wake.

Show some respect!

Father Vance.

Now, the icing on the cake the icing on the cake!

My specialty -- holy-ghost cake.

And of course, hanging above us

are Nutmeg's handmade tissue ghosts.

Nutmeg, show us how you make them.

**

Oh!

**

Oh, fantastic!

And here comes the Queen of Grieving, Amy!

[ Applause ]

Earlier today, something horrible happened,

and I thought I'd never smile again.

But thanks to Patty and all of you, I've been proven wrong.

You look just like yourself.

[ Patty chuckles ]

Now, Frank has a little something for you.

Mm-hmm.

He bought it, but I told him where to get it.

Oh.

I'm gonna name him "Frank".

[ Applause ]

And now, it's time for Hits and Misses.

Misses -- Ragsdale will be missed.

Hits -- a thoughtful neighbor who cares enough

to help me when I'm down

and my new fish, Frank.

[ Sighs ] I'll never be sad again.

**