Original subtitles

Hello.

Being poor is an appalling condition in which one

is deprived of even the most basic human needs,

is one way to view it.

But being poor can also be a magical op-poor-tunity

for creative resourcefulness.

Case in point, Tater Toes -- baked potato shoes!

Tonight, I'll be preparing a dinner with all the frills

for a special guest, my rich uncle,

and I'll be doing it on a shoestring budget.

Along the way, we'll discover all sorts of inventive shortcuts

to stretch the dollar --

"Entertaining For Peanuts," tonight,

on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris."

Aah.

**

**

The at-home dinner party is fast becoming

America's most popular form of entertainment,

right behind group sex and bar fights.

Until recently, I believed there was only one way

to throw a dinner party --

hire someone to throw a dinner party. [ Laughs ]

But that costs a lot of money,

and as my producers have repeatedly pointed out,

I just don't have it.

Apparently, I', what they call "over-budget."

I don't know how this could have happened.

The raccoon who keeps the books

never mentioned there was ever a problem.

[ Raccoon chatters ]

So tonight, I'm taking my lack of funds

as a hospitality challenge

to prove a person doesn't need sacks of cash

to throw an impressive dinner party.

I've already started cutting corners.

I did my own hair and makeup, and I even dressed myself.

I probably won't even have those guys back.

And I'm going to show you other ingenious ways

to tighten those purse strings.

And then, I'll put all those ideas together

and create a spectacular, thrifty evening

for a very rich relative.

Will he know the difference?

Let's find out!

I also directed myself.

**

In pursuit of doing a dinner party on the cheap,

I decided to talk to an expert --

a professional poor person.

Knock, knock!

Well, welcome to my humble abode.

I brought you a cheese tray and a roll of toilet paper.

Mmm, look at that! Toilet paper!

Ooh, gosh, that's extravagant.

I appreciate that, Amy.

Mmm, cheese plate.

Mmm.

That's good!

Thanks, but I appreciate it.

You never show up empty-handed.

That's why I like you, Amy.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Uh, would you mind removing your shoes?

Well, you have a dirt floor.

Yeah, it's not 'cause of the floor.

I've got me a foot fetish.

Mmm, look, you got ten toes.

A winner.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

I mean, ten's ideal, but I'm cool with less.

Gosh, I like what you did to the place.

Well, it's home I guess.

You know, it might not be much.

I don't have that many valuable possessions,

but I got a song in my heart.

You want to hear it? All right.

[ Clears throat ]

* Oh, feet, feet, feet make me horny *

* Don't mind if they're flat Don't mind if they're corny *

That is a real toe tapper!

Mmm, can I watch?

Uh, no.

Why don't you give me a little tour?

Well, sure. Okie dokie.

I've got me a painting right here.

What I did was I took a shirt box and I painted a horse in it.

See that?

I got that idea from watching "Equedus," the movie.

Over here, I made some dice out of bread.

See that?

Just when I was loping around, mm-hmm.

Hey, you know what?

I really like that cabinet behind you.

Oh, yeah.

See, this cabinet right here, what I did

is I made the hinges out of a garden hose.

Where do you get your garden hoses?

I stole it from a hardware store.

Why didn't you just steal the hinges?

It would've been easier to carry.

I guess that's why you're not the hobo.

Are those real cherry blossoms?

Oh, that's just old popcorn glued to a stick.

What I do is I find a stick.

Then I hang out by the movie theater

and I collect old popcorn.

I attach, the popcorn and then paint it with pink nail polish.

Speaking of which, can I do your toenails up?

I'll make 'em look real pretty.

Let me think about it. No.

Can't blame a hobo for trying!

Unbelievable.

Well, Hobo, as you know, I'm here to get a tip or two

on making a beggar's meal fit for a king.

Well, I've got a few tricks up my sleeves, also some spiders.

I'm gonna teach you to make the perfect dessert treat --

the easy elegance of flan, mm.

What I do is I take a can of condensed milk

and I put it in a pan of water

and I simmer for two hours in a row

on top of an overturned iron, which I got from you.

Now, let's see here.

I'm gonna do the old switcheroo like they do

on those fancy cooking shows.

First of all, I got this very expensive, elegant can opener,

which I'm running some electricity

up at Patty Hogg's place.

She don't know, so don't you tell her anything.

[ Can opener humming ]

There we go. Oh, yeah.

Mmm, gadgets. [ Humming stops ]

I'm gonna hand this to you with a fork.

Now, save that lid 'cause I can make some wind chimes

out of it for babies.

There you go.

Now, careful of your teeth. Why?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, sometimes it'll yank the ole chompers out,

but it's worth it.

Goodness gracious, it is worth it, Hobo!

It's worth it.

Wow, this is delicious!

Mmm, unbelievable!

You know, by the way, I feel like I've gotten to know you,

I feel a little weird calling you "Hobo."

Well, you can call me by my real name --

Horence Boreman, or "Hobo" for short.

Well, Hobo, we will enjoy or gypsy flan this evening.

Hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.

Mmm! Okay, take care.

Mmm, mmm!

Hobo gave us a great tip for a budget dessert.

But we still have to come up with

an economical main course --

shin meat.

Shin steaks will make a lovely frugal entrée.

Of course, your snooty meat critics will say,

"Shin meat is for cartilage lovers only."

But I say if it's good enough to hold up all the cow,

it's good enough for my entrée.

My menu will also include Yukon Gold potatoes

and carrot coins.

So, let's get cooking!

To help me prepare this meal,

I've invited my friend and friend of the show --

Chassie Tucker.

What happened to you?

I mean, I know you're old, but, oh, you can't just give up!

Chassie, this is my budget episode

so I did my own hair and makeup, and I even dressed myself.

Oh. Well, you must've saved a bundle.

Hmm, okay.

All right, why don't we get started?

Why don't we get started.

We're cooking simple, yet elegant medallions of shin.

First, we're gonna fillet the shin.

I understand your your rich uncle

is coming over for dinner.

How did you hear that?

I crossed paths with Horence Boreman

in your hedges.

He's crazy about my feet, by the way,

which I find surprising.

Oh, why's that?

Well, I don't have arches.

I didn't know you had flat feet.

Oh, no, no, no. I mean I don't have arches.

It's just toe directly into heel.

More hoof than foot really.

Hmm.

Anyhow, tell me about your rich uncle.

Is he single? Does he live around here?

Is he into centaurs?

Slow down the who, what, where, how's!

I don't know.

I haven't seen him since I was his niece.

Oh, well, I'd really love to meet him.

Say, maybe you could give me a job serving him dinner.

Now that I'm hired, I'm need an advance on next week's paycheck.

I thought you already had a job at Clip Clops.

Well, my schedule flip flopped and my pay wasn't tip top,

so last week I hip hopped.

Well, look.

I'd love to hire you, Chassie,

but we're working on a limited budget

and most of it went towards this shin.

Now, what we're gonna do is we're gonna cut discs of meat

from the fillet to create the medallion.

Now, here's a great steak tip -- I like to use a compass

to create the medallion outline.

Look at this.

Oh, can you get a close-up on that, Smokes?

Look at that.

Now what we're gonna do is take a pair

of ordinary poultry shears, okay?

You wanna make sure they don't' have glue on them.

And I'm just gonna follow along the pencil line

that you created.

Okay?

Now. Oh!

Now, that is a great steak tip.

Is that not the perfect circle of meat?

You want to try one, Chassie?

Say, those shin cutlets seem oddly juicy

considering they're mostly gristle.

Yeah? Why do you say that?

Well, your hand is dripping with blood.

Oh!

Oh my, I've cut the tips of my fingers off!

Having the tips of your fingers medically reattached

would be expensive surgery, so when we return,

I'm gonna show you you how to do it for peanuts.

Welcome back, and if you're just joining us,

I have a rich uncle coming for dinner

and no fingertips on my left hand.

But I have a cheap and easy solution --

steakhouse nails for peanuts!

What you do is you take a ballpark peanut --

It could also be a circus peanut --

bite it in half, shake out the nutmeat

so it kind of looks like this right there.

You're gonna place it over your injured finger.

And then, you're gonna use a red marker

and you're gonna create the illusion of nail polish.

Now, that's a finger that belongs at a fancy shindig

with a rich uncle.

During our commercial break,

I was having a conversation with the show accountant, Barry,

who explained to me, when you're trying to stretch a dollar,

it's important to put together a budget.

But putting together a budget isn't as easy as it seems.

I mean, all these numbers and columns!

I wish there was an easier way.

[ Sighs ]

Announcer: So, you want to make a budget.

Good for you!

A budget is important because it helps us organize our income

so we can pay our bills and still put money aside

for the important things:

like Billy's college fund, Sara's doll collection.

And of course,

the most important item in any budget is,

Tuttleman's budget graphing notebooks,

bound in hand-glued leatherette --

the finest leather-like material

you'll find to not come from cow.

Let's get started on that budget.

I'll help!

First, flip open your quality-made Tuttleman's

budget notebook.

Just look at that well-delineated graph paper --

pretty sharp.

Now write down your gross income for the week.

You say you make $45 a week?

Way to go!

And you say you're just an Assistant Manager?

Are there any openings?

No? Hmm, too bad.

I have a lot of time on my hands.

In fact, I hung out by your house this morning

and watched your daughter Katie walk to school.

It would be a shame if something bad happened to her.

Now I'll ask you again.

Are. There. Any. Openings?

What are the odds?

But let's get back to our budget, shall we?

$45 breaks down like this -- $10 for shelter, $8 for food,

$7 for clothing, $1.50 for entertainment,

and $18.50 for a Tuttleman's budget notebook.

Now, you might think spending almost half of your weekly

income on a budgeting notebook is excessive.

But try graphing your budget on an inferior budget notebook

such as a Tootleman's.

This is Jackie.

He thought he was being smart

buying a Tootleman's budget notebook,

because it saved him a few pennies.

Let's see how he's making out.

[ Muffled blows landing ]

[ Muffled egging on ]

Jackie doesn't seem so smart now, does he?

Jackie should have used a Tuttleman's

and saved himself a lot of trouble.

Eventually, Jackie wised up and bought himself

the right notebook, and put that budget together.

Let's see how Jackie did.

$8 for a nose reset, $9 for speech therapy,

$12 for a catheter, and $18.50 for a quality

Tuttleman's budget notebook.

Nice idea, Jackie.

Should've thought of that before!

So, when you sit down to create a budget,

reach for the best in budget graphing notebooks --

Tuttleman's, the only name you can trust.

Wow, this Tuttleman's notebook makes budgeting so much easier!

When we return, we'll head on over to my Crafting Corner

to create a thrifty, yet delightful craft

that even the richest of uncles could appreciate.

Stay tuned.

[ Chuckles ] It's true.

You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

I have totally overpaid everybody!

Oh, hello.

I was just admiring this beer can that

I painted to look like an owl.

What is crafting?

I'll answer that one.

Crafting is the attempt to make useful things

with your hands resulting in bookshelf knickknacks,

grab-bag items, and decorated litter.

This is Crafting Corner.

* Beads and things and glitter and strings *

* Glue and sew and buttons and bows *

Welcome to my Crafting Corner.

In keeping with the show's theme,

"Entertaining for Peanuts," we'll be crafting on a budget.

I've enlisted the help of a volunteer from the local parish

who spends much of her time reaching out to the poor.

Welcome, Florence Chervil. Hello, Florence.

Hello, Amy. Okay.

Now, Florence, you're a volunteer

from Our Lady of the Research Triangle.

What kind of things do you do?

I help the needy, I feed the homeless,

and I euthanize the elderly when I can get a ride.

Well, we'll be making the crafty candlestick.

All we need is a couple of drum sticks and some paint.

Is there anything more pure and simple than a candle?

Aside from it's tragic history

of catching kids' heads on fire during birthday celebrations,

the candle can be a romantic

and a festive addition to most events.

But unless you have a cadre of slave bees doing your bidding,

candles can become very expensive.

Which is why we're making our own.

You know who's a good crafter?

Hmm? God.

He made the Earth in six days.

Of course, some of it he phoned in --

giraffes, Utah, those weird decorative gourds.

Are we ready to craft, Florence?

After a short prayer. [ Clears throat ]

Bless us, oh Lord, for the crafting supplies

we are about to receive,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, crafters.

Pray for those who do not have access

to googly eyes and a junk drawer,

now and at the hour of their death. Amen.

Let's craft!

Okay. That was fun.

First we're gonna do is give the candlestick a light sanding.

That way, the paint's gonna stick to it a little bit better.

Just a light one.

You don't have to go hard with it.

By the way, if you're gonna purchase your drumsticks,

ask the man at your local music store

which sticks will give you the most bang for your buck.

Once I was sanding with Jesus, and we hit a tough patch.

And I looked behind me, at the wood dust

there was only one set of fingerprints there.

And I realized that is when Jesus was doing all the sanding.

Well, I'm not surprised he was good at sanding.

I mean, he was a carpenter.

Okay. Now that we're done sanding,

we're gonna paint the whole stick white

except for the tip.

Okay?

Oops, I put it in the wrong paint.

I think it was that praying.

Okay.

You know, candles are a big part of the church.

They use them to make the altar look spooky.

It keeps people off-balance,

and that's when the church pounces.

Okay.

Now, to finish our candles,

we are going to dip the tip into the red enamel paint.

Now, you can also use glue and glitter.

Okay.

Then we're going to stick 'em in here to dry.

Now, after they dry, they're gonna look like this!

And then, we're simply gonna insert the stick

in the hole of a stale doughnut.

Okay, there you have it -- the everlasting candlesticks.

Ta da!

Well, Florence, I wanna thank you very much

for coming onto the show to help out.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Now, I've got to get to the old folks' home.

Oh, you have a ride?

Okay.

**

Medallions are almost done,

but it looks like they're starting to buckle.

This night has to be a jackpot!

What else could possibly go wrong?

Oh, no.

I forgot on my limited budget, I could only afford bargain booze!

But how could I get away with serving cheap wine

to a rich uncle?

Did someone say cheap wine?

Hey, Regional Wine Lady!

Hey, I need your best suggestions

for your worst wine.

Sangria!

Well, that sounds pricey and complicated.

I don't think I can pull it off.

Sure you could, it's easy.

What you're gonna do is you're gonna toss

yesterday's fruit salad into a tub,

soak it in cheap brandy and coconut rum for an hour.

Then add a jug of wine, ladies' choice,

and a spritz of flat ginger ale.

Garnish with whatever fruit fell on the floor

when you dumped it into the tub.

Well, that sounds perfect!

Yeah. Oh, here!

I mixed you up a batch in my toilet, prison style.

Oh! That's so generous of you. [ Horn honks ]

Well, that's my ride, Stoney and BJ.

I'm off to Cabernet-Con.

We dress up as our favorite wine grape, get loaded,

and then stomp on each other torsos.

Gotta go!

Oh, before I forget --

* It's Friday night I'm gonna get drunk *

* I'm gonna get laid

* I'm gonna be late on Monday *

See ya around! See ya around.

[ Bell jingles ]

Sangria!

My budget meal for the insanely rich is complete.

I've got bogus medallions of shin accompanied by

Yukon fool's-golden potatoes,

and a generous bowl of counterfeit carrot coins.

To wash it all down, ...Spanish fruit wine.

And for dessert, Gypsy flan fit for a hobo.

I have cloaked the table with fresh popcorn cherry blossoms

and my delightfully crafty candlesticks.

Will my rich uncle be the wiser?

Let's find out.

If only there was a wealthy person

I could run this dinner by to see if it passes muster.

Knock, knock!

Now, I'm saying "knock knock,"

but I didn't actually knock because

I just had my knuckles done.

Amy Lou, would you be a good neighbor and let me store

Reginald, my late

Shih Tzu, in your icebox?

Now, I have to keep him fresh before

I get him freeze dried as a surprise for Leslie.

Now, I'd keep him at my house, but I don't want to.

I don't want to!

Patty, I'm glad you dropped by.

I want to get your opinion on something.

Before you say another word,

Amy, I have a suggestion for you -- spicy pepitas!

Spicy pepitas!

They're like a pumpkin seed, but only larger, kind of bloated.

What you do is you smother the with a little cayenne pepper,

brown sugar, and butter.

Not oleo, like I know you like to use, but butter.

Okay.

Well, I wanted to get your opinion on my budget dinner.

Budget? What's a budget?

Budget, you know, when you want to save money.

Save it from what?

Did it fall down a well chasing butterflies?

You know, that's what killed my Reginald.

Butterflies are such cruel temptresses.

Oh, but at least he died doing what he loved --

falling down the well.

Well, I put together a frugal dinner for my rich uncle,

and don't want him to know that I kind of did it on the cheap.

Whoa, I like that, Amy!

Intrigue, trickery!

You're thinking like a rich person already.

This is gonna be fun. Let me take a stab at it.

Okay.

You could serve steak tartare.

But to save money, you could lose one of the "tares"

and just serve steak tare.

See, you can always go down a "tare,"

but you could never do both,

Unless it's a chuck beef, and well, who cares

'cause that's not fit for a dog.

Oh, Reginald, Reginald! [ Gasps ]

Okay, let me see what you falsely fancified.

Hmm, just take a gander here.

Let me see.

Ooh, doughnuts. Okay.

I'm gonna make some mandatory suggestions.

You need to run out and get yourself some finger bowls.

Finger bowls?

All fancy tables have finger bowls, and toe plates.

And why do I see that you only have one fork per place setting?

You could afford to throw some more forks down there,

at least three -- one for the shrimp,

and one for the dessert.

Unless, of course, your shrimp is the dessert.

Why would I serve shrimp as a dessert?

I don't know your life!

For all I know, your rich uncle is a seal!

I'm just tossing seeds.

But I think your table's in pretty good shape,

very good shape.

But you're missing the most important item.

All well-heeled tables have a large statement piece.

But you can't afford it, boo hoo.

So you're gonna have to rely on some trickery.

So you're gonna run out and you're gonna get

the biggest platter you can find.

I've got one you can borrow.

You're gonna put it in the center of your table.

You're gonna fill it with water.

And when your rich uncle shows up late --

and he will because all rich people are late, Amy --

you're gonna tell him he missed the most incredible

ice sculpture of the iceberg that hit the Titanic.

Wow, you really are a master of illusion!

You ain't seen nothing yet!

Patty, I can see you.

Kazzah! Ooh!

[ Panting ]

[ Breathes heavily ]

Boy, this living room is bigger than it looks!

Kazzah!

In all this smoke, I'm disoriented.

God damn it!

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ] [ Door closes ]

Okay. [ Sighs ]

If you're just tuning in, I am incredibly honored

to be joined by my very rich uncle for dinner.

I'm so excited you're here!

[ English accent ] Well, pip pop, tally ho!

Can I get you some more chewable,

expensive Spanish wine?

Oh, yes. Jolly ho!

That would just be fish and chips! Darling.

Oh, my darling!

What a magnificent spread!

I haven't been this impressed since I dined with the Queen.

You had dinner with the Queen?

My darling, but of course!

Wow, can you tell me about it?

Well, first we took a ride in the royal pram

through Piccadilly Circus

on our way to Big Ben for a fortnight.

Gosh, it all sounds so magical.

Oh, it 'twas. It truly 'twas.

Me needs not tarry the grinding on that evening, methinks not.

[ Laughs ] Gosh, you're so worldly.

Oh, I am. I really am.

But let us not squander our talk time here on me

and my grand wealth.

Let's talk about you. Well...

And congratulations, my child. [ Laughs ]

For what?

Oh, for your fancy diploma.

What did you major in?

Why don't we take a look-see, shall we?

Well, that's odd.

Your degree's all blank.

That's a napkin.

A napkin?

Made of cloth?

A cloth napkin?

I can't -- I can't do this anymore.

[ Normal voice ] What am I doing?

Oh!

Oh, honey, I gotta tell you something.

I'm not as rich as I look.

What are you talking about?

I mean, of course you are!

I remember when I was a child, you used to pull a quarter

out of my ear, a whole quarter!

Sweetheart, that was not a quarter.

That was a kidney stone.

I drew a picture of Washington on it.

I don't believe it!

It's true, and it's still true!

Here, look at my feet.

Look, I stick newspapers in my socks.

And my tie -- It's a belt.

And my belt is a tie!

Why don't you switch them?

Because I'm poor!

Here, look at my hat.

It's also my toilet!

Speaking of which, I...

No, I have a toilet you can use.

In your house?

Yeah, on the second floor.

Oh, my God!

I can't do this anymore, I just can't!

I'm a fraud.

I'm just your poor uncle.

No, you're my rich uncle -- my rich uncle on a budget!

And you helped me prove my point.

You don't need a lot of money

to throw a successful dinner party.

Oh, you.

[ Both laugh ]

Wow, hey!

Mmm, I love what you've done with the popcorn.

[ Both laugh ]

Cherry blossoms. Oh.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Coughs ]

Oh! [ Coughing ]

**

Yeah, I'm okay. Okay.

**

This is hits and misses.

Hits -- I learned the value of money,

the flexibility of nail polish, the importance of family,

and the power of pepitas.

Misses -- the tips of my fingers.

I'm sure happy my rich uncle is here.

And tomorrow, he's gonna wake up to silver dollar pancakes

and more Sangria.

Good night.

[ Snores ]