Original subtitles

[ Doorbell rings ]

**

Hi. Thanks so much.

Wait, wait, wait.

Here you go.

A present -- my favorite kind of gift!

I wonder what it could be!

[ Contents rattle ]

I can't wait to see.

Gifts -- what a perfect way to show someone you care

without having to spend time with them.

Gift-giving -- tonight, on a very special episode

of "At Home with Amy Sedaris."

I already have one of these.

**

**

Gift-giving is an art,

but oddly enough, the worst gift-givers are artists.

Another napkin doodle, Sebastian?

[ Chuckles ] I don't think so.

We exchange gifts for many reasons --

a show of friendship, to acknowledge a milestone,

Secret Santa, public Easter.

But for most of us, gifts mean store-bought items

that although might be rich in quality and practicability,

are lacking in that crude, adorable pointlessness.

A draft catcher.

Anyone can give a mass-produced gift,

but isn't it a littler more specialer

to give a one-of-a-kind, handmade item?

I'll show you what I mean.

Follow me.

Stay on the runner.

How about a panty-hose room divider?

A mouse pin made of burlap.

A rock painted like a potato fully-loaded.

You're not gonna find that in any store.

But you might say, why go to all the trouble

to handmake our gifts?

Is it because making gifts is cheaper

than buying something a person actually wants?

I don't think so.

You might add, is it because hand-crafting gifts

is a good way to get rid of the odds

and ends you have lying around

but don't have the energy to toss out?

That's closer.

Tonight I'm having a special friend over

to thank them for taking care of my turtles,

Curly and Poppy.

I'll be presented them with all sorts of handmade gifts,

but first, I have to craft them.

So let's get creative and head on over to my "Crafting Corner."

* Beads and things and glitter and string *

* Glue and sew and buttons and bows *

These are my good friends,

Jason and Pippa,

and they're gonna help me craft.

What do you think of my crafting room, kids?

Wow, you have a lot of neat stuff.

Whoa, look at all these colors and sparkly things.

Well, these are my crafting supplies --

glitters and button and ribbon.

But did you kids know the crafting room

is the most dangerous room in the house?

In fact, I don't let anyone craft in this room

until they've seen this film about crafting safety.

Are you two ready to watch a movie?

We just kinda want to make something.

Okay, okay, okay.

Roll it, Smokey!

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Blood splatters ]

Look familiar?

Crafting accidents like this happen every day.

Hello. I'm Dr. Claire Shanks,

President of the National Crafting Safety Council.

So many of you have discovered the joy of crafting

only to have that joy turned to tragedy.

A multiple of perils loom like a dark cloud

over even the most organized craft rooms.

Crafting mishaps range from paper cuts to murder.

In this film, we will discuss the hazards lying in wait

and the precautions you can take to avoid them.

**

Consider this statistic -- 86% of all craft room accidents

are the result of reckless crafting.

That's more than all craft injuries

caused by malfunctioning glue guns and snake attacks combined.

You must take precautions.

Listen to what seasoned crafter Calvin Shuckles has to say.

He learned the hard way.

Hi.

My name's Calvin Shuckles, long-time crafter.

If there's one thing I've learned --

you must begin every crafting session

with the attitude "I'm going to die today."

**

**

Aah!

**

**

**

Aah!

So there you have it.

Craft at your own risk, but take precautions

and always leave an emergency contact.

Never craft unless your affairs are in order,

and always wear a crafting ID bracelet.

Remember -- crafting safety is on you.

[ Gasps ]

[ Choking ]

[ Groans ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Snake hisses ] Aah!

Ow! Oh!

[ Crying ] No!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I never get tired of watching this film.

So, you see what I'm talking about?

Now, are you kids ready to craft?

All right!

For our first craft, we'll be making something simple,

but it makes a terrific gift for anyone

who appreciates a portable buddy.

It's called Popsicle Stick People.

First thing you're gonna do is, at night when you go to bed,

you're gonna take a box of Popsicles

and you're gonna put them in the sink

to drain all the liquid from them.

Because what you want is the stained stick, okay?

Just because it gives it a little bit of detail.

So pick out a stick.

Now you're gonna put some glue down,

like where you think the eyes would be,

and you're gonna put a little glue on the top

where you think his hairline would be.

-Can I have some -- please? -Oh, yeah, there you go.

-Thank you. -Let's see what you got.

Nice job there.

Excellent job.

Just squeeze as hard -- just squeeze it really hard.

Then, strawberry, chocolate, or vanilla?

What color hair do you guys want?

-Strawberry. -Strawberry?

What do you want?

-Vanilla. -There you go.

-Thanks. -Okay.

And then you just stick the stick in the bag

and pull it out, and see where the hair lands.

It's fantastic. [ Laughs ]

Okay, that's hilarious because it's a mess.

But it still works.

There you go.

Like that.

Just see where the hairs lands up.

I came up with this late at night after...vaporizing.

[ Laughs ] That's hilarious!

It's got a big bald spot!

That's perfect! All right.

That's it for this episode of "Crafting Corner."

My thanks to Jason and Pippa.

You know, crafting, like many enjoyable things, is a really --

[ Snake rattles ] Snake!

**

Did you know some of the best gifts are edible?

For example, this vanilla candle.

Mmm!

Here's a good tip -- When invited to a birthday party

and stuck on a gift idea, make a cake.

Sure, they might already have a cake,

but if they forgot, then you're the hero.

And if they didn't forget,

pretend you're having a seizure and fall into their cake.

Now when you arise from the floor covered in buttercream,

not only are you the person

who quickly rebounded from a seizure,

but you're also the one

who saved the day with a backup cake.

This also works for meatloaf.

I think Angel Food Cake filled with ice cream

is the perfect gift cake.

Helping me craft this treat today is our old friend...

Randy Fingerling.

Hello, Randy.

Mahalo, Amy.

Have you been traveling?

Oh, I have. I was recently in Fort Wayne.

They've got a wonderful tiki bar at the airport.

Oh, fun. Well, why don't you tell the audience

why you're here today? -Okay.

Well, I am redeeming a gift-coupon book

that you made me, for one baking session...

with full release.

Okay. Well, first of all, I gave you that

coupon book about six years.

If you're gonna make a coupon book as a gift,

you know, filled with coupons for back massages or foot rubs,

make sure you include an expiration date.

Secondly, that was a coupon book for one free baking session.

The rest is in your handwriting.

Oh, well...busted.

I guess you can't fault a guy for trying.

Yes -- yes, I can.

What else is in that book? -Let's see.

We've got "vacuum my apartment," with a full release,

"one haircut," full release,

and "lunch with my mom," full release.

Look, I know adding full release to the coupons you made me

might be a bit of a reach,

but if it works one out of five times,

well then, Randy has been released.

Those aren't even accurate odds.

Let's just make the cake, shall we?

Great. Lady taking control.

Me rikey. -[ Sighs ]

Okay, well, I cheated a little bit.

I actually, um, made the cake earlier,

'cause I assumed you were gonna be busy

and you want to get out of here as soon as possible.

But the thing about this type of cake is you need

a lot of extra wiggle room

so that you can make it in any room of the house.

What about the bedroom? How about the living room?

Whatever works. Okay, I'm just gonna...

Nice and -- Is that a candle I smell?

Just get off of me.

Okay. Just want to get over to the table.

Now, I've pre-prepped the room,

just because sometimes it can get a little messy.

Got it.

-Madam, your stool. -[ Chuckles nervously ]

How is your knee?

I got it, thank-- I got it, thank you.

What we're gonna make now is my special

Angel Food Ice Cream Cake.

Sound good, Randy?

Sound great. Only addition --

maybe some cakey-makin' music?

[ R&B music plays ] Okay...Here we go.

Now, you're gonna take it off the bottle.

This helps loosen it.

How's the lighting in here? Is it a little...

Everything, uh, it's fine.

I can see what I'm doing.

Sometimes you need to insert a knife,

just to help loosen the sides.

Oh, you want to loosen the sides up.

[ Whispers indistinctly ]

-Like this. -How's the --

So now I'm gonna take this long knife,

and I'm just gonna take a quarter of an inch

off the top -- the "hood" is what I call it.

Okay.

Now, you're gonna make a little tunnel, little trench, so...

Okay. And you're just gonna set this aside.

You're gonna need it later. You don't want to throw it out.

No, you don't want to -- you don't want to waste the cake.

Okay. And then you're gonna use your ice-cream scoop,

and you're going to scoop the ice cream out

and fill the trench up.

And is that a quick-release scooper right there?

Yes, it is, Randy. That's a good...observation.

Or is it a full-release scooper?

Okay.

You can use any kind of ice cream you want.

I chose strawberry 'cause they're in season.

Okay. There you go.

Okay. All righty.

You want to pack it in really hard.

Okay. [ Moaning softly ]

Okay, you don't have to really manipulate the ice cream.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Yeah, I can't believe we're doing this either.

Okay, you just want to pack it in nice and firm.

Oh...Randy...

Ahh. Is it too cold?

Hmm.

Okay.

Go put the hood back on, like so.

Now, the filling that you took out earlier,

you're just gonna put in the hole.

-Mm, okay. -Nothing goes to waste.

I got -- okay, that's enough.

And you're gonna cover the whole cake with whipped cream.

Now, I'm using a can today.

Okay, why don't I just...

If you do that, will you leave me alone?

Okay.

And then we're gonna put it all over the cake.

Mmm.

Be generous with the whipped cream.

I do have a knife.

Okay. Oh, my God.

And then you can put toasted almonds on top,

or coconut if you want, a birthday candle.

And this is really the perfect cake.

And you just put it in your freezer

until your guest arrives.

I want to [bleep] [bleep] Okay, Randy, that's it.

Okay. There you go.

I would like very much to thank our guest,

Randy Fingerling, today.

When we return, we'll meet my special guest

and find out how my hand-crafted gifts go over.

After this.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

I'm just making some necklaces out of raisins.

Jewelry is always a lovely gift,

especially for those people you care about

who have strange patches of skin that need to be covered.

I once gave a puka-shell choker the width of a neck brace

to a great aunt whose throat looked like

an 80-year-old man's scrotum. [ Chuckles ]

I always find it amusing when people spend a lot of money

on jewelry gifts.

But who needs rubies when you have raisins?

For more jewelry crafting ideas, let's go watch

"The Lady Who Lives in the Woods."

* Deep in the forest, a lady lives *

* In a small house that is made of twigs *

* She's earthy and simple and mostly plain *

* And what you don't know she will try to explain *

* She bathes in a creek and she sleeps on a cot *

* Feasting on mushrooms and apricots *

* Her bathroom's a hole in the dirt that she dug *

* Her friend's a raccoon and a slimy spring slug *

* She's The Lady Who Lives in the Woods *

**

Nature's jewelry.

Hello.

Welcome to the lodge.

The forest offers us all kinds of treasures

that could be strung together

to imitate things that are attractive.

Let's go over to my log table.

Hello, Artemis. [ Artemis squawks ]

Nature is a wondrous, wondrous...

[ Light laughter ]

Esther has a new friend over today, Ariel,

who tells me her area of study is moss and lichen.

Why don't you say hello, girls?

[ Laughter ]

I would assume given Ariel's expertise,

she would know that although lichen

is often confused for moss,

they are not in the same genus.

Of course moss, although often overlooked,

is a hearty, stable plant, rich in character.

And lichen is a Johnny-come-lately fungus

who, like most fungi, cannot be depended upon.

Isn't that right, Ariel?

[ Laughter ]

Why don't we begin with this Carrot and Potato Necklace.

When I make this nature's adornment,

I'm very careful to always go in this order --

carrot, potato, carrot, potato, carrot, potato.

But today I thought I'd shake it up,

so I'll string them like this --

potato, carrot, potato, carrot,

potato, carrot. [ Light laughter ]

See? I can be adventurous.

Artemis: [ Squawks ] Potato, carrot.

Potato, carrot.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, hello, Artemis.

Next, we'll be making a ring rock,

which is wire shaped to fit your finger or toe

and is topped off by a rock,

or as I like to call them -- nature's diamond.

Looking at rocks, I'm always reminded of their long history,

old as the Earth itself.

I think about how they were used for tools, foundations --

or in Biblical times, to stone an adulterer to death.

And feathers in your hair won't protect you!

[ Laughter ]

Why don't we move to the next craft,

a Seed Art Rooster Brooch?

I am fond of roosters.

Sometimes I'll get up before dawn, sneak over to their coup,

and shine a flashlight in so the rooster

thinks it missed morning.

It's all part of a new segment

I'm thinking about where I prank roosters.

I'll call it either "Ruse-ters"

or "Cock-a-doodle Duped."

[ Chuckles ]

See? I can be fun!

[ Artemis squawks ]

A Rooster Brooch.

First, cut the image you want out of cardboard.

Cover the cutout in a light layer of glue,

and then arrange your seeds in a pattern.

Aww.

I have to be careful with these Seed Brooches,

'cause Artemis, our parrot, likes to nibble on the caraways.

I wouldn't get too close!

That beak can take out an eye!

Just ask my eye.

[ Glass clinks ]

So anyway, I like to start with the lighter seeds on top --

poppy, sesame -- and move down.

Artemis! Seeds!

Who wants seeds?

Who do you love?

Artemis: I love you. [ Squawks ]

[ Laughter ]

Once you get your seeds adhered to the cardboard,

attach a pin to the back and stick it right...

into your heart.

I should mention, this natural accessory can be adorned

with any types of seed --

millet, mustard... [ Rock music plays loudly ]

celery, sunflower...

That's it for us, at the lodge!

We'll see you next time!

**

Artemis, no! My brooch!

* She's The Lady Who Lives in the Woods *

So far on the show, we've talked about

so many terrific gift ideas to give.

But what about those times when it's you receiving the gift?

We are all familiar with that awkwardness of accepting

a gift you hate.

It's so important to disguise that disappointment.

Here to help us learn how, please welcome,

from the Research Triangle Community Theater circuit,

Russell Schnabble! -[ Laughs ]

Welcome!

I am so thrilled to be here.

I could've floated over instead of walking, which is what I did,

because the transmission fell out of my Hyundai.

Oh, my! Well, you're here now.

[ Chuckles ] I sure am, Amy!

Now, Russell, you're here to teach us

how to mask our true feelings

when we get a gift we don't like.

But first, why don't you tell us what you've been working on.

Thank you so much for asking me, Amy.

Currently I am in a production of "Zorba the Greek."

I'm playing Tevye.

Uh, Tevye.

Isn't that from "Fiddler on the Roof"?

We did in fact combine the two productions.

There weren't enough Jews or Greeks in our community,

so we decided to hedge our bets.

Oh my God, how rude -- I have a flyer for you.

Oh, terrific.

Okay. Okay.

Sorry.

-Got it? -Sorry.

-Okay. -And here it is.

Oh! Okay. As you can see right here,

if you want all this information,

it's here in black and white.

And I'd also like to offer you complimentary tickets

to our little show.

How many can I get you?

Oh. Um...

I don't know, is a couple too many?

How about a couple dozen?

We're trying to pay for the house.

Oh, okay. Which night?

All of them.

Oh. Okay, well, it sounds like a great musical.

Oh, I wish there was music in it.

We actually spent our whole budget on the lyrics.

Oh, okay.

Now, Russell, you're here to give us some pointers

on pretending how to like a gift you receive,

but you really don't.

In other words, acting.

I am, but first, before we start,

Amy, if you don't mind me saying,

the sweater that you're wearing is fantastic.

Oh!

I mean, it really highlights your root-beer brown eyes.

Oh, my goodness!

Well, I got the last of the pink, but you know,

I made it myself.

I hate it. I hate your sweater.

But -- I'm sorry, but you just said that --

So, one of the things I just did is called acting.

[ Applause ]

What -- Oh my God, that came out of nowhere!

That's amazing! -I know, I know.

I said I liked it, but really I think you look

like a lumpy pot holder holding a dumpy pot.

[ Laughs ] That's incredible!

Do another one! Do it again, do it again!

-My pleasure, my pleasure. -Okay.

Oh, my God. If you don't mind me saying,

your hands are those of 16-year-old, Amy.

Thank you!

I've been using hand lotion since I started shaving my legs!

Your hands look like the claws of a graveyard raven.

What -- [ Laughs ] My good gracious!

You are a true local artist!

You got me again!

You see, Amy, acting is nothing more

than pretending to act, okay?

My job as an actor is to manipulate my audience

into believing my lies are the truth.

I'm what you call a "pathological actor."

Okay, well, how can someone like me learn how to do it?

I mean -- -Well, it's simple.

Say things you don't mean, but pretend that you mean them.

I have a technique, if you'll watch.

First of all, when I act, I never look anyone in the eye,

so -- yeah, so even that is too much.

So I should look this way? Okay.

And often I encourage a thin layer of perspiration

to collect on my upper lip.

I will allow my heart to race.

And sometimes I will summon a lump in my throat.

-Oh. -Right there.

Just before I start talking.

So...

I'm telling you, Russell, you make it sound so easy!

I mean, you are a true master!

Oh, shut up! Shut up!

Well, it was really a pleasure having you on the show today.

I'm so happy to be here too, Amy.

Actually, I think you're the worst guest we've ever had.

I used your technique and it worked!

Oh, my God!

Acting is reacting!

We'll be right back after this commercial.

I hope my turtle sitter doesn't need these techniques

when I present my gifts.

You know, what's funny --

Well, my gifts have been prepped,

my cake is chilling in the freezer,

and I think I'm just about ready to go.

[ Doorbell rings ] Oh-- that must be my turtle sitter now!

I'm in the craft room!

Hello, Stephen!

Hi, Amy!

Stephen Colbert, my turtle sitter.

How are the turtles doing?

What? -Good.

I mean... -Amy?

Well, a raccoon chewed off Curly's foot. What?!

You know, I don't think he misses it much.

Oh, come on, Amy!

I know I'm just your turtle sitter,

but how could you let this happen?

This is neglectful!

I warned you about raccoons and their love of turtle meat!

I know. I thought they'd be safe in the outdoor pen!

Unsupervised?

Why don't you just take the turtles and plop them

on a stainless-steel counter next to a cook pot

in a kitchen in Singapore?

All right, well, I'll keep a better eye on them,

I promise, Stephen.

Look, I'm sorry to be so militant about this, Amy,

but you know my history.

That night back in high school when I freaked out on the beach

and beat that sea turtle to death with a flashlight --

I didn't know the marijuana was laced with PCP!

And from that moment, I promised myself

I would spend all my free time protecting the turtles.

Oh, it's not your fault.

You thought it was a heron.

The lack of feathers should have been a telltale sign.

I know. But it was dark out that night.

You're right, I forgive myself.

That's the spirit! All right.

Now listen, I made you some crafts, right here,

to show my appreciation for you always watching over my turtles.

Oh, please! It's enough that I get to spend time with the turtles!

Well, I know, I hear you,

but I'm gonna give them to you anyway,

and you can always re-gift them.

Okay. I made you some Popsicle Stick Buddies...

Wow.

...this amazing Pipe Cleaner Crafty Spider...

-Realistic. -Realistic.

...this Raisin necklace.

This is adjustable.

-Oh. -Mm-hmm.

You just eat the raisins?

Yeah, yeah -- you just eat the raisins.

This Ice Cream Cake, with your favorite ice cream.

-Oh. -Mm-hmm.

And I got you 12 comp tickets to "Zorba on the Roof."

Hard to get. -Wow, that's generous.

Yes. Mm-hmm. Well, thank you so much.

Listen, I'm gonna be away in March,

so can you swing by and watch the turtles?

I'm supposed to do my TV show in March...

Oh...

-I'll get out of it. -Oh, good.

They are always happy to see you!

Stephen Colbert, everybody!

[ Laughs ] Always good to see Stephen!

You forgot your gifts. -Oh, yeah.

Sorry about that. -It's okay.

-Okay. Thank you. -Got it.

These right here... Thank you very much.

Don't forget your adjustable necklace.

Okay. Thank you.

Now if you follow me into the bedroom,

it's time for "Hits and Misses."

Let's see, misses...

snakes...

Randy Fingerling. [ Scoffs ]

Hits...

Jason, our little craft helper, is fine.

Although he is a bit traumatized.

We had to cut him out of a constrictor.

Until next time, I'm Amy Sedaris.

I'm ready to redeem that free haircut now.

[ Sighs ] Randy, the only reason you were on the show is

'cause we had a cancelation.

Oh, Vincent D'Onofrio suddenly gets food poisoning.

Interesting. You're crazy.

This is never gonna happen again.

Let's just knock that book out.

All right, well, if you got it in you.

Oh, God.

Until next time, I'm Randy Fingerling,

the man with pepperoni nipples.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

[ Both chuckle ]

**