Original subtitles

It's been said one is the loneliest number.

I've said it, and then I've agreed with myself.

But you know what I've come to realize?

Being alone is some of the best time I've ever spent with me.

And I've learned, anything a couple can do

is twice as much fun when you do it alone.

"Cooking for One" -- tonight

on a very special "At Home with Amy Sedaris."

**

**

Hello. I'm Amy Sedaris,

and welcome to my hit show, "At Home with Amy Sedaris."

Anybody who knows me knows I never wear fitted jeans,

I was a Girl Scout for way too long,

and I'm involved heavily in the House Rabbit Society.

But they also know I love to entertain.

And what does entertaining mean?

I believe it's the giving of myself, to you,

from me, for us.

And when it comes to hospitality,

I've settled on a certain way of doing things.

It might not be the most proper way

or the most traditional

or even the most legal,

but it works for me,

and now it can work for you.

Now, if there's one thing I've learned,

you can't entertain without guests.

And when it comes to guests, I'm my favorite.

I like the sound of my voice, I dress appropriately,

and I always show up with something in my hand.

That's why tonight, I'm cooking for one.

And I'm not alone at being alone,

because so many of you people out there dine solo --

or, as the French say...

..."al fresco."

[ Beep, beep ]

I think it's good for a person to be alone.

It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are

and figure out why they're always alone.

People are alone for many reasons --

they've lost a loved one, are going through a breakup,

fell down a well,

or, if they're like me, are alone by choice.

I've come to learn I don't need

to fill up every moment of my day

with companionship or warm human interaction.

[ Scoffs ]

I don't need to be gently caressed

while he whispers those sweet, tender words in my ear.

[ Whispers ] "I love you, Amy, and you'll never be alone."

[ Normal voice ] Well, I am alone, and he's a liar.

But you know what? "Being alone is A-OK."

Tonight, we'll plan, prepare, and serve a meal for one.

First, let's find out what's on the menu,

or, as I like to say, the me-nu.

[ Bell dings ]

We'll be making steak au poivre for one,

half-baked potato, and a single side salad.

Baking a potato seems relatively simple,

but should you wrap it in foil?

Rub it with lard?

I prefer placing it on a hot rack,

right after stabbing it with a fork repeatedly,

like you might a hairdresser who cut your bangs too short.

Now, what you're gonna do

is you're gonna turn the temperature on 400.

But first, let's get this meatloaf out of the way.

[ Sniffs ] Mmm. Just as raw as when I put it in.

Place your potato right in the middle of the rack.

Set your timer for 60 minutes,

[ Ticking ] or 10 minutes per ounce potato.

You know, it's funny.

One of my favorite kitchen tools is the timer.

It's as crucial to a chef as a hammer is to a carpenter

or a prosthetic arm is to a lion tamer.

A timer focuses on the time

so you can focus on more important things,

like, "Where is that maddening ticking coming from?"

You know, cooking for yourself

is not the only way to spoil the hot lady in the mirror.

While we wait for our potato,

I'm gonna give you a glimpse into how I start my mornings.

And you will see that just because you're alone,

it doesn't mean you can't be pampered.

Roll it, Smokey!

**

**

When I step out of the shower,

I have a little routine that helps me swing into action

so I'm ready to face the challenges of the day.

I give myself a mini-massage

using the balls of my fingers and the tips of my hands.

I start with a papaya emollient coupled with a ginseng balm,

focusing on all my nooks and crannies,

and digging deep into the many crevices.

By doing this massage every day,

I'm staying in touch with my body

and learning all sorts of new things about myself.

Such as "When did that happen?", "Why is that there?",

and "Where was I?"

To me, this stretch is so delightfully satisfying.

I call it land stroking.

Tugging and towing the body

is a perfect remedy to this long haul we call life.

As you breathe in,

drive your tailbone deep into the floorboards.

Now release your breath,

pinching your stomach inward toward your spine,

arching, always arching.

Now anchor your hips off the floor,

rotating the pelvic bone counterclockwise

and rolling down,

giving special attention to your pubis.

Sway the hips like the pendulum in a grandfather clock.

Mmm. Feel all that tension just evaporate away.

[ Sighs ]

After your earlier shower and light workout,

another great time-killer is taking a bath.

Sometimes, I'll soak in the tub for hours --

or until the mailman comes.

It's simple to make a bath special.

Add a few thirsty towels,

fragrant salts and scented oils are a nice touch,

or a simple sachet

made from stuffing oatmeal into a knee-high stocking

and cinching it off at the top.

If you're feeling peckish, add brown sugar to taste

and top it off with dried cranberries.

Mmm. Decadence.

**

[ Inhales deeply ]

In the past, experts believed

that a person lost interest in sex

when they no longer had a partner.

But now we know that just isn't true.

If you can accept

the unavoidable physical changes of being alone,

like hunch face or old maid's knees,

I believe you can keep romance in your life.

Here's how I do it.

I make sure to maintain a certain amount of mystery.

I like to surprise myself by really pushing the envelope,

and I'm often startled

by my sheer disregard for social norms,

but tomorrow,

I'll forgive myself and do it all over again.

**

**

I hope you've enjoyed my journey

of self-discovery and solo awareness.

You know, I find the best part of steak au poivre

is the poivre.

And here to teach us how to make it

is a real-live chef -- Panos Sakas,

the owner and operator of Pete's Diner!

[ Laughs ] Welcome to my show.

Or should I say, ti kanis?

[ Greek accent ] Glad to be here. More coffee?

I'm not even holding a cup.

Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Oh.

Now, Panos, is au poivre traditional to the Greeks,

like paella is to the Spaniards?

No, but we like to dip our wick

in a lot of different cuisines.

My menu has 19 pages...

Oh, my goodness. ...not including specials.

In the diner business, you need to hedge your bets.

[ Laughs ]

By the way, we also do paella.

Oh.

I have a diner question.

I get asked this a lot in my viewer mail.

Is it true that diner mints are coated in urine

and there's human feces on the bar fruit?

Eh...it's a diner.

If we throw out every item of food with feces on it,

all we'd have left is feces.

Fair enough.

Okay, I say, let's make steak au poivre!

Okay, I have my steak marinating right here.

Never marinate a steak before you au poivre!

Oh, well, let's solve that problem right now, shall we?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Disposal whirring ]

Panos, why don't you take us through the ingredients now?

A dash of salt,

1/4 cup of whole... [ Whispers ]...black...

[ Normal voice ] ...peppercorns.

Which eventually will be crushed with a hammer.

You don't have a pepper grinder?

No, I do. It's just holding up a shelf.

A tablespoon of vegetable oil,

1/2 cup of finely cut shallots. Mmm.

1/2 stick of butter,

3/4 cup of heavy cream,

and 1 cup of brandy.

Okay, two questions. Second one first.

I think we can safely assume

that many of my audience are recovering alcoholics.

Will a brandy reduction break their sobriety?

No. The alcohol burns off at high heat.

I wouldn't worry about it. I wasn't worried about it.

I was simply asking for the benefit of my audience.

Now it's clear they can consume all the alcohol they want

and get behind the wheel of a car,

as long as the booze has been cooked.

So I don't need any panicky phone calls

from nosy sponsors.

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Indistinct yelling on telephone ]

Okay, now, for my first question.

How many does your recipe serve?

Two.

Oh, well, tonight, we're cooking for one,

so we're gonna have to halve your recipe.

So, let me see.

Okay, you said 1/4 cup of peppercorns.

We're gonna make that 2, right?

Half a stick of that.

Divide that by 4.

Can you halve a dash?

I shrug.

Hmm. Okay, well, the butter should be easy.

It's half a stick.

I keep butter in a tub,

so I could shape that into a stick and quarter it,

or I could halve the number and convert it to tub.

This is ridiculous.

Why don't I run these calculations

by my show accountant?

He's a wizard with numbers.

Barry? Can you do half a stick of butter

from a tub conversion?

[ Chittering ]

Oh, great. I'll see you at the company picnic.

Okay. Half a stick equals 1/4 tub.

This is gonna be the perfect topper

for my meal for one.

One?

I can't believe an attractive woman

who smells of hours of bath

doesn't have a special someone to make meals for.

Nope. I'm happily alone.

Ah.

Eh, instead of halving the recipe,

going through all that trouble, why don't I hang out

and you can... cook au poivre for two?

I'm taken aback.

That sounds like fun.

Great. Swell. Why don't I go freshen up,

and by that, I mean give the old sack a spritz,

and I'll come back when the soup's on.

[ Laughs ]

Panos Sakas, everybody. [ Chuckles ]

I'm in looooooooo...

...ooooooooooove!

[ Sighs, gulps ]

Welcome back.

If you're just joining me,

the theme of tonight's show is "Cooking for One" --

or, rather, was.

I'd like to say to all the single losers

out there watching this show,

I have someone special in my life now,

and it feels terrific.

So if you're cooking for one, you're on your own.

I'm tossing out the old menu because it felt lonely

and creating a fresh menu based on my new theme.

**

[ Chuckles ]

Because my special guest is Greek,

I'll be making spanakopita,

which turns out to be one of my specialties.

Spanakopita, or Greek spinach pie,

is a dish I've made hundreds of times.

I could make it blindfolded.

And to prove it, I'll make it blindfolded.

[ Giggles ]

[ Humming ]

Okay, attach my blindfold.

Okay.

**

**

What I meant to say is,

I've made spanakopita so many times,

I can do it with one hand tied behind my back.

Anyway, I have a bowl of spinach thawing in the refrigerator.

[ Glass crunching ]

Here we go. Mmm!

I love the smell of fresh spinach.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, our first step is to drain the spinach.

Now, unfortunately, my colander is out of commission

because I cut a piece out to patch my screen door.

Boy, it sure will be nice to have a man around the house.

But not to worry, because we'll just improvise.

Now, um, this stool will make a great strainer.

I'll show you how.

Uh, Puja!

Here we go.

This is Puja, my show assistant.

Help me turn this stool over.

Let me get this out of your way.

Okay. Counter.

Fantastic. Okay. There you go.

Now we're going to attach a cheesecloth to the legs.

Puja, will you grab a cheesecloth

from the drawer, please?

Okay.

Now, aren't these just adorable, guys?

These are chair socks that I got

on a solo overseas trip to Tokyo.

They protect the ends of the legs and keep them toasty.

So we're gonna attach the cheesecloth to the legs

using rubber bands.

All right, so, did you see the first segment of the show?

What'd you think of Panos Sakas?

And did you hear he's staying for dinner?

Oh, do you mean that old bald guy?

[ Sighs ]

You know, I don't know why I confide in you.

I hired you for your Old World charm,

and frankly, right now, I'm finding that very tiresome.

And there you have it -- the perfect stool strainer.

Thank you, Puja. Now, why don't you just clock out,

but don't leave.

Now what we're gonna do is

you're gonna add a bowl underneath the cheesecloth,

dump your spinach.

There you go.

And then the water will drain into the bowl.

Now, what I normally like to do

is place this in my refrigerator overnight.

Easy breezy. There you have it.

When we return, an old friend will be out here

to help me finish my spanakopita

for my very special dinner date.

In just a moment, an old friend of the show,

Chassie Tucker, a pastry chef,

will be out here to help me butter my sheets.

To do this, we are going to use a simple brush

that you can find at any hardware store.

Please welcome Chassie Tucker.

[ Bell jingles ] Ding dong!

[ Laughing ] Hi.

Welcome to my show.

Oh, I'm thrilled to be here.

Hey, you're glowing.

I want whatever you've taken,

in addition to whatever I've already taken.

Well, I'm in love.

What do you mean?

I'll show you.

**

**

[ Creaking ]

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckles ]

Well, now I get it.

I'm very happy for you.

[ Breathing heavily ] Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

So, what we're going to be doing is

we're going to be laying out the phyllo

and buttering each individual layer.

Now, I just want to start off by saying

that a lot of people are intimidated by phyllo,

and if this is the case for you,

I think you should pick up a copy of my latest book,

"Me Talk Phyllo One Day."

It's a great summer read.

Oh, thank you, Chassie.

Why don't you tell the audience how we met.

Oh, well, uh, I used to own a pastry shop

that was dangerously close to the river,

and you were catering a luncheon.

A seminar for the House Rabbit Society.

That's right, and your oven broke,

and you came in desperate for 40 profiteroles.

And you were wearing half a bra and had blood on your shoes.

[ Laughs ]

Funny enough, it wasn't my blood or my bra.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Okay, the thing about phyllo is that you want to keep it moist,

so you can keep applying moisture to it

between two cotton towels.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, and if it tears, it's okay,

'cause you can just throw it in, piece it together.

There you go. I think I lost my brush.

Now, I add a little bit of olive oil to my butter

to make the crust extra-flaky.

Okay. All righty.

You can also use poultry shears to cut down the phyllo

to match your pan, but I like the overlay.

It gives it a nice little edge.

Now, um, Smokey, I hope you're getting a good shot of this,

'cause we're really laying it on thick.

Beautiful. Perfect.

I would like to thank my friend Chassie Tucker

for stopping by.

I'm happy to do it.

Ta-ta. Bye-bye.

[ Bell jingles ]

[ Laughs ]

Before I head over to my craft room,

I always like to have a quick check-in

with our regional wine expert, Ronnie.

Yoo-hoo!

Regional wine lady, thanks for joining us!

Happy to do it.

Boy, your face looks like a mid-priced rosé!

I met someone.

What's he do for money?

He operates a diner.

Ah. So, he's Greek.

Mm.

Mm-hmm. Greek.

You know, they're not known for their wines.

I'd steer clear.

I'd serve ouzo on the rocks.

Now, it's gonna get cloudy, but don't panic,

it's just the anise oil.

I'd serve it with three Kalamata olives.

But if you're drinking on an empty stomach,

I'd add a sprig of souvlaki.

Perfect.

Speaking of Greece, I'll be in Delphi

for the Hellenistic Wine Fest.

You know what the Oracle predicts?

I'll be loaded!

* It's Friday night

* I'm gonna get drunk

* I'm gonna get laid

* I'm gonna be late on Monday *

Toodle-oos.

**

Oh, hello.

I was just attaching these googly eyes

to this peanut shell.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, it's often been said

that ugly people craft and attractive people have sex.

I'm not going to waste my time dispelling that ridiculous fact.

But you know something?

I say regardless of how you look,

there is no denying the joy of crafting.

This is Crafting Corner.

* Beads and things and glitter and strings *

* Glue and sew and buttons and bows *

Tonight -- placemats.

Placemats can pep up any table,

as well as protect most surfaces.

Placemats with food images are good for illiterate people

because it allows them to simply point to the food they want.

Of course, it gets confusing

if they're asking for another placemat.

Today, we'll be making Greek placemats.

Greek placemats will be the perfect complement

to my Greek-sandal centerpiece.

We will need two items --

heavy-duty packing tape,

Greek coins known as the drachma.

You remember my assistant -- Puja.

Thank you, Puja.

Okay, first of all, we're gonna roll out

a foot and a half of tape, sticky side up.

Puja, tape, please?

Okay, now, we're gonna do...

I love packing tape -- crafting with packing tape.

It's one of my favorite mediums to work in.

Okay, let's see.

Let's adjust it.

Okay, we're gonna lay this out, sticky side up.

Okay.

So, Puja, could you fix that, please? Yeah.

That'd be terrific.

Okay.

You can go to any packing store to get this tape.

Okay, now, you're gonna lay, again, the sticky side up,

right on the edge of the first piece,

to create what we call a seam.

Okay.

Would you...

Okay. See what we're doing?

Actually, I don't know if you can get this, Smokey.

[ Tape ripping ]

'Cause we're actually laying out --

Okay, we'll just fix that. It's easy.

The beauty about tape is that you can just go over it,

[ Tape ripping ] especially the clear tape.

If you could not make that noise while I'm talking,

that would be terrific.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Thank you.

All right. And, again, the seams.

Now what you're gonna do

is you're gonna place the Greek coin,

known as the drachma, like so.

You can do any kind of random design you want.

Do you want to help me with this or is this your break?

[ Chuckles ] Goodness gracious.

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

There you have it.

All right, now you're gonna line it with more tape on --

Please -- on top.

Terrific.

Okay.

Like this. You see what we're doing here?

Okay. No, you're doing a great job.

It's a 24 1/2-minute show.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

Why don't we just -- This is enough, okay?

Um, but anyway, it might be helpful

to find someone who knows how to use tape, right?

That's a real time-killer right there.

And here's a finished product.

You know, Puja, why don't you take this and study it.

You're single. You should have plenty of time.

Okay. All right?

**

When we return, a romantic dinner for two.

[ Mid-tempo Greek music plays ]

Welcome back.

While I wait for my guest to arrive, I'll describe my table.

At one end sits a tray of spanakopita.

On the other end, dotting the table like the Greek Isles

are an assortment of flavorful Grecian cheeses.

We have a Greek salad,

and, of course, the lovely placemats that we made earlier.

And in the center of the table, to tie it all together,

a mound of white sand topped off with a size-5 Greek sandal

and a string of wooden worry beads.

Perfect.

I've already made the plates.

Hercules here is strumming

what I best describe as a stringed gourd,

but he calls it a bouzouki.

For dessert, an assortment of Greek cookies

waiting to be consumed.

They are from my favorite local bakery,

The Yeast Confection.

Okay. Dinner is ready.

Any word from my guest? Hmm?

Okay. That's all right.

How about some fun facts about Greece?

For punishment in many ancient Greek schools,

they would make disruptive students kneel on rocks.

Many Greeks aren't circumcised.

[ Sighs ] Well...

that's what I know about Greece.

[ Music continues ]

Still no word from -- No?

[ Music continues ]

He's not coming. Oh, he's coming.

We made a connection.

I think he made another connection.

What?!

[ Mid-tempo saxophone music plays ]

[ Greek music continues ] I can't believe it! He was all over me in that segment!

Would you please stop playing that bouzouki?! It's tedious!

[ Music stops ] I'm just gonna strike these plates right now.

Just give me the -- give me the ouzo.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

This is ridiculous. [ Sighs ]

Went through all this trouble...

[ Sighs ]

**

**

At the end of every show, I like to write in my Party Log,

which details all the hits and misses.

We've been on quite an emotional roller coaster ride,

and we've learned a few things along the way.

Hits -- ouzo kills feelings.

Misses -- bouzouki, never marinate a steak,

and never trust a lady saxophone player.

They tend to be heroin addicts, and they will steal your man.

You know, I was gonna end my romantic Greek dinner

by performing a special Greek dance for my guest.

But now I'm gonna perform a special Greek dance

for someone I really care about --

me.

And by the way, the theme of tonight's show?

"Dancing for One."

Good night.

[ Upbeat Greek music plays ]

**

**