Original subtitles

[theme song plays]

♪ Todd and Riley were, oh, so sad ♪

♪ Then they came 'cross a Fleemco ad ♪

♪ They sent away a $1.98 ♪

♪ Got a superspy mom ♪

♪ And a daredevil dude of a dad ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ The replacements ♪

♪ Now anytime they come across adults ♪

♪ Who are sly and deny and deprive them ♪

♪ And make things bad ♪

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, we need a replacement.

And fast.

♪ And anytime they wanna make a change ♪

♪ Modify and rearrange ♪

♪ Though it might get kinda strange ♪

♪ Make 'em better, nice And strong and fast ♪

♪ And smart and cool and maybe even lame ♪

♪ Call in the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Just get the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

Maybe Mom could be Betsy Ross, and I could be... [exclaims]

Oh! Oh! In the year 1860, I, Florence Nightingale,

founded the nursing profession as we know it!

Say, Riley, aren't you a little old to be playing dress-up?

Said the man in the red, white, and blue jumpsuit.

It's for the student-parent talent contest.

I'm doing a presentation on the great women of history.

[Todd snoring]

Eww! Sorry, Riley. I'm with Todd on this one.

That sounds as exciting as full-contact chess.

Hey, Daring...

Well, I want to prove to kids that history can be plenty exciting.

And it can, with my help.

We'll just need a huge special-effects budget,

a motorcycle, and a cool catchphrase: "Nurse this, alien scum!"

[growls]

What? You did say it was a student-parent contest, didn't you?

-Yeah, but I was going to ask Mom. -Ohh...

If it was OK for you to be my parent talent partner.

Yes! In your face, K!

Well, good luck with that.

What are you so smug about? What talent do you have?

Is this your watch?

I mean, quarter?

Oh, please. You just got that magic kit a week ago,

and suddenly you're ready to get up and embarrass yourself

in front of the whole school?

Hey, I can't be any worse than Paddleball Buzz.

Oh, yeah? Care to place a wager on that, doofus?

Either of us wins the talent contest,

the other has to walk across the stage in his underwear!

You're on!

-Ready, son? -Sure thing, Dad! Go!

[yells]

[grunting]

[laughing] Hope you got a clean pair of undies!

-[gulps] Me, too. -That was unexpected.

Well, good luck with that.

Mom! Quick! What do you know about magic?

I know magicians never reveal their secrets,

but I have ways of making people reveal secrets.

Don't I, Petrov?

Please! Not the fabric softener! This jacket is "dry clean only!"

I need to come up with a surefire prize-winning magic act,

or at least go shopping for some less-embarrassing underwear.

I suppose I could whip up something

with a few things I have lying about the house.

[Agent K] It's the six of hearts! Over!

Is your card the six of hearts over?

Goodness! How ever did you know?

For this next trick, I require absolute silence.

[Dick] Look out below!

-[groans] -Do you mind?

[Riley] Dad, for the last time,

there were no human cannonballs in Joan of Arc's time.

Really? Well, no wonder they called it "The Dark Ages."

Hello! Trying to do a trick here. Ha!

[C.A.R.] How very underwhelming.

You want a crowd pleaser, cut Dick in half.

[chuckles] Fool me once, shame on you.

Perhaps. But for now, would you please crack that egg open, sir?

Ta-da!

-Wait. How did you-- -Good one, Mom!

I'm so proud of you, Todd.

Buzz doesn't stand a chance now! We are so going to rock that audience!

Audience?

Of course. It's a student-parent talent show.

There's going to be a huge audience.

[gasps] Mom? You all right?

But I thought I was just helping you prep.

[stuttering] I don't know what I thought.

I'm sorry, Todd. Something urgent has just come up.

Ta-ta.

But... we were having so much fun.

Why would she bail on me?

Todd, your mother has crippling stage fright.

I could have told you earlier, but I thought it would be funnier

to see your dreams crushed in person.

She can face down an army of ninja assassins...

Ow!

[C.A.R.] Put her in front of an audience...

she freezes up faster than--

[Todd] A skinny-dipping Eskimo?

A Siberian swimsuit model? A penguin eating ice cream in a snowstorm?

Ah, more or less.

I can't beat Buzz at a student-parent talent contest without a parent.

Come on, Mom. You can overcome a little stage fright.

You're a spy. Danger is your middle name.

Actually, my middle name is classified.

Classified? But you told me it was Mildred.

Look, I never liked the limelight. That's why I became a spy.

I work in shadow, in secret, where nobody can see me!

Oh, take it from me. Nothing beats the rush of performing.

Being the center of attention, thousands of eyes staring at you,

scrutinizing your every move.

-No! You'll never take me alive! -[grunts]

This is going to take some work.

Yeah! What do we have, like, three holes in the roof?

[Riley] They say the best way to overcome stage fright

is just to picture the audience in their underwear.

[shivering]

So, do you feel frightened?

Yes, and more than a little uncomfortable.

What is Shelton doing here?

[whispering] We don't know.

Hello!

Mom, I've got it! What if you can't see or hear the audience?

Mom?

[beeping]

Dear Todd, I've been called away on an emergency top-secret mission.

I'm sorry I failed you, and I'll understand

if you decide to call Fleemco and replace me for the show.

Love, Mom.

[phone beeping]

I surrender, to your applause!

-[cough] -[one person clapping]

Todd, shouldn't you be in your magician's costume?

What's the point? It's not the same without Mom.

Besides, her replacement still hasn't shown.

Oh, hey! You're in luck, son.

That's Carlotta, the famous magician's assistant from "Carlos & Carlotta."

OK, Carlotta, we don't have a lot of time,

so I'll have to talk you through the act.

Do you know the sarcophagus egg metamorphosis?

It's just too bad she doesn't speak a lick of English.

[sighs] Oh.

In the year 31 BC, I, Cleopatra, queen of ancient Egypt,

awaited the return of Mark Antony,

his troops badly defeated in the Battle of Actium.

[Dick] Look out, Cleo!

[crowd cheering]

Stay in school!

[groans]

-Ta-da! -Ta-da!

Let's give it up for the Wonderful World of Winters. Yes, yes.

It's about time somebody showed some real talent.

Ay! I'm doing the best I can!

We just put the "win" in "Winters."

[laughing] Good one, Dad.

I think we all know who has this contest locked up,

but we still have one last act to suffer thr... enjoy!

Let's hear it for the daring, amazing...

Sorry, the Amazing Daring's!

That's our cue. Wear this.

Here goes nothing.

[audience exclaims]

Get off! Get off! Get off! Get off...

So long, mummy!

[audience exclaims]

[cheering and whistling]

It is no contest!

The Daring Amazing's win first prize!

Way to go, Mom. I mean, Carlotta.

I mean, uh, Mom.

High five! [grunts]

Oh, right. No English.

[man] You should be very proud of your son, Mrs. Daring.

Yeah, Mrs. Daring should be.

I'm sorry, but I can't accept this prize. This isn't my mom.

She's a professional magician's assistant.

[crowd gasps]

Hey, so am I!

I know you can't understand what I'm saying, and I'm glad we won,

but it's not the same without my mom.

She just made everything cooler, especially when she told me--

-[Agent K] Todd, I am really proud of you. -Mom?

I couldn't face an audience as myself, so I had to do it undercover.

So where's the real Carlotta?

Well...

[Petrov laughing] This is what you get

for ruining my favorite jacket, Agent K! [laughs]

Looks like we deserved to win that trophy after all.

[Buzz] Too late, doofus!

It's all mine!

You've been stripped of your prize!

And speaking of stripped...

You'll have to catch me first!

[both panting]

[Buzz indistinct] ...underwear.

Ta-da!

[audience laughing]

I'll pay for that with a lifetime of wedgies,

but it was worth it!

[laughing]

[Ace Palmero] Welcome back to Ace Palmero's coverage

of the 137th annual Pleasant Hills Kumquat Day Parade.

This promises to be the most romantic Kumquat Day ever.

Here's a float celebrating the founder of Pleasant Hills,

Ezekiel T. Pleasantworth.

[all laughing]

And look at this, two lovebirds getting married on Kumquat Day.

[choking up] Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Ace Palmero told himself he wouldn't cry.

And look at this lovely lady.

Pleasant Hills, say hello to your new Kumquat Queen!

When I become Kumquat Queen, I'm going to have a crown twice that big.

-It still won't fit your big head. -What?!

I said, "Did you get your Kumquat Day cards yet?"

I did. I made this card for Johnny myself.

"To my dearest Johnny,

you are the love of my life and the air that I breathe.

plus, you're really good at baseball. I hope our love can one day blossom

like the flowers of the mighty kumquat tree.

Love, the future Mrs. Riley Hitswell."

What? Too subtle?

Riley! You cannot send that card to Johnny.

-You'll scare him off. -Yeah. Mushy, heartfelt sentiments?

Perfume-scenting? Glitter?

This card totally reeks of thought and effort.

You must be coy, like this.

-But it's in Japanese. -Exactly.

It's that kind of mystique that makes me a boy magnet.

[giggles] Well, that and my boy magnet.

If you think that's coy, check this out.

-Whoa! -Whoa!

Wow. I did not realize how bad that could have been.

You guys really saved me.

Where would you be without us?

Come on. Let's get you a new card.

Well, it took six hours, but we finally found a card that looks like

we didn't spend any time looking for it at all.

"I find you a-peel-ing."

Way better than your first card.

Hey, where is my first card?

[dinging]

Dad, have you seen that big Kumquat Day card I left on the table?

Sure. I took it to the post office with the rest of our cards.

Care for a candied kumquat?

-What?! Dad, how could you?! -What?

They're a delicious Kumquat Day tradition.

No! That card was never supposed to go out!

I mean, I didn't even put an address on it.

Oh, I took care of that, Mrs. Hitswell.

[gasps] Todd!

If Johnny reads that card, my love life will be ruined!

Hey, everybody, Riley Daring just professed her love for me

in this totally desperate handmade card!

She even signed it, "The future Mrs. Riley Hitswell!"

Let's all point and laugh at her!

[all laughing]

Hello. I'm the president, and I hereby declare

this holiday be renamed Riley is a Desperate Lame-o Day!

[all laughing]

Oh!

Girl, you better find that card.

[shuddering] So much mail! It just keeps coming and coming!

[slurping]

Excuse me, sir. My dad sent out one of my Kumquat Day cards by mistake,

and I really need it back.

Oh, and, uh, you want me to sort through all this mail to find it for you?

-Yes, please. -Dream on!

It is Kumquat Day, little missy! Our busiest mail holiday of the year!

Well, can I go back there and look for it myself?

Excuse me. Are you a trained mail handler?

Did you spend four-and-a-half weeks earning a correspondence degree

from the postal academy, only to have your diploma lost in the mail?

No! I don't think so! That is against federal law!

-But I-- -Oops!

Your 15.6 seconds of customer service have been exceeded.

Thank you for choosing the Pleasant Hills Post Office.

Have a nice day.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, I need to replace the high-strung guy at the post office as soon as possible.

Just find me someone that's really laid-back.

[Mr. Fleem] Well, this is awfully short notice, but I'll do the best I can.

Congratulations, sir, for your many years of exemplary work at the post office.

I get this huge check?

Oh, gracious no, but you have been chosen to deliver it to the winners

of the Pleasant Hills Kumquat Sweepstakes.

What an honor!

[Riley] Wow! Look at how much mail is piled up. That's a good sign.

A sloth? That's about as laidback as you can get.

Excuse me. Would you mind if I look through the mail bins?

[Riley] Not it, not it, not it. Ooh!

Unicorns Illustrated? Why don't I get that?

Focus. Not it, not it, not it. Ooh!

[sighs] It's going to take forever to find my card!

[engine starting]

Wait a minute, Mr. Post Person! Darn!

Johnny's house!

[whistling]

[Riley and Johnny grunting]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[humming casually]

Oh! Hey, Johnny.

Funny bumping into you here. [chuckles]

No, it's not. I live here.

Hey, is that a sloth?

[growls]

[students chatter]

Students, quiet down and take your seats for the assembly.

Why are we outside? It's hot out here!

Because this is where Ezekiel T. Pleasantworth

planted our city's first kumquat tree, which as we all know,

I had cut down so we could build that money-making concession stand.

[slurping]

Now, enjoy the first Kumquat Day!

Oh, woe is me!

There's no room in this booming eastern metropolis

for a lowly boot cobbler like myself.

Then let us head west, Ezekiel, and start our own utopia.

Yes! We shall start our own city, a city where pigs must wear undergarments.

Todd, I need to get my card from Johnny's math book.

Can you cause some sort of distraction?

Was already planning on doing that, but if it's to help you, forget it!

Fine. I'll give you my pizza square lunch.

Deal.

I am planting our last kumquat in the earth,

so that one day it may grow into a mighty orchard

for future generations to enjoy.

You crazy dreamer.

Hey, everybody! Here's what I think of your kumquats!

[grunting]

[audience booing]

Even I think that crosses the line.

[booing continues]

Don't worry. I was just planting this kumquat

for future generations to enjoy.

What an inspiring distraction.

[crowd cheering]

[gasping] Where's my card?

Sorry, ladies. I'll open all your cards at noon.

[all sighing]

[all giggling]

[whimpering]

Hey!

Ooh, K, are you ready for your Kumquat Day gift?

Certainly, darling.

It's a photo from our camping trip. I made the frame myself.

I used real macaroni and two kinds of glitter.

Oh, Dick it's perfect.

Yes, much better than my gift.

Yours is nice, too, C.A.R.

Nice? Six weeks of hard labor and that's what I get?

-Nice? -Mom, Mom!

There's a totally embarrassing card of mine

in Johnny's locker that he's going to open in... 42 minutes!

Can I borrow your spy gadgets to pry open the lock and get it back?

Riley! That behavior is totally unacceptable!

Prying open the lock could get us caught. We must come up with a real plan.

[beep]

[Agent K] Now, remember, your code name for this operation is "Blue Cobra."

Oh, can I be "Blue Pony" instead?

[C.A.R.] Oh, Todd, that's something I'd expect Riley to say.

-[Riley] Hey! I am Riley! -[C.A.R.] Must be the hat.

[man] Hmm. What's on the school lunch menu today?

Half bologna sandwich, lima beans, and mystery pudding.

That sounds perfect... for the students!

[laughing maniacally]

Focus on the mission, dear.

My spy watch says we've only got one minute left!

My spy watch says we've got plenty of time.

[gasps] I think I see my card!

[gasps]

[gasps] It's too late! He's got all of his cards!

I got to stop him!

Got to find Johnny. Got to find Johnny.

[coughing] Uh, don't they ever clean these vents?

Uh-oh.

"Orange you glad I didn't say kumquat?"

[chuckles] Thanks, Claudia.

Whoa. This one's different.

[Riley coughing] I can't see a thing...

[yelling]

Weird. That's the second sloth I've seen today.

OK. Let's see who's next. Riley.

"I find you a-peel-ing."

I don't get it.

Hey, Johnny! Open my card!

"To my sweetest Johnny, you are my everything.

You are the light of my life and the air in my inhaler.

Even though you like sports and I like science,

I know in my heart we belong together like kumquats and armadillos."

[girls snickering]

And she signed it,

"Love, the future Mrs. Shelley Hitswell."

Oh, man, that is so desperate-ly precious.

Come on, Shelley. Let's go share a pizza square.

[inhales] Neat-o!

Huh. I guess that card didn't work.

You know what? Maybe you should have just gone with your first card.

[Tasumi scoffs] Yeah, Riley. Why'd you ever change?

-[yelling] -[steam whistle blows]

[all] Happy Kumquat Day!

[announcer] The Fleemco Company presents: Ace Palmero on attentiveness.

As anchor of the fourth-highest-rated news program in Pleasant Hills,

I, Ace Palmero, have learned that attentiveness is of the utmost importance.

Turn to camera one. In a high-pressure job like mine,

you also have to keep on your toes.

Put hand in pocket and smile at camera two.

If you're not attentive, you'll miss important details.

You idiot, Ace. Get someone else to do your stupid cue cards.

[announcer] This has been Ace Palmero on attentiveness.