Original subtitles

[theme song plays]

♪ Todd and Riley were, oh, so sad ♪

♪ Then they came 'cross a Fleemco ad ♪

♪ They sent away a $1.98 ♪

♪ Got a superspy mom ♪

♪ And a daredevil dude of a dad ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ The replacements ♪

♪ Now anytime they come across adults ♪

♪ Who are sly and deny and deprive them ♪

♪ And make things bad ♪

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, we need a replacement.

And fast.

♪ And anytime they wanna make a change ♪

♪ Modify and rearrange ♪

♪ Though it might get kinda strange ♪

♪ Make 'em better, nice And strong and fast ♪

♪ And smart and cool and maybe even lame ♪

♪ Call in the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Just get the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Yes, my name is Shelton I got a house in Belton ♪

Did you hear?

Tasumi and Riley are totally not friends anymore.

I heard they're fighting over a lost shirt

with the yelling and the crying and the scratching.

[humming]

What an ugly camel. [laughs]

I heard it was a bitter feud between families over a stolen pig.

Now they hate each other.

[phone beeping]

Riley, you are off my list! My phone list!

That's not what I heard.

I have a friend whose mom works at the hospital,

and she said that Tasumi needed a hair transplant donor

and Riley said no.

No wonder she wears that helmet.

Welcome to my new Tasumi proof room. No metal allowed.

-[alarm blaring] -[yells]

You're losing it, Riles.

[alarm blaring]

[Agent K] Oops. Almost forgot.

-Is that it? -[Agent K] Almost. Just about.

A few more. There you go.

♪ Where have all the best friends gone? ♪

♪ I guess I wouldn't know ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't have one ♪

♪ Except for Abbey, she's cool ♪

Hey, Todd, tell Riley that's the lamest song ever.

[groans] Tasumi says that's the--

Hey, Todd, tell Tasumi her mama's the lamest song ever.

-Riley says your mama is-- -Hey, Todd, tell Riley

her face is the lamest song ever.

[both grunting]

Ladies, don't make me turn myself around.

Why aren't you back here?

'Cause I'm not stupid. I'm staying out of it.

Mom, can't you do something?

Of course I can.

La-la.

And for my contribution to Rare and Fragile Artifact Day,

an antique teapot of the Ding Dynasty's collection.

-Legend has it-- -That's enough, Shelton.

-Pass it around already. -My incredibly fragile ancient teapot?

I see no reason why not.

-I'm passing it! -No, I'm passing it!

[both grunting]

[slow motion] No!

Oh. Whew.

No! The breaking and the smashing and the pricelessness no more.

[whimpers]

You two, to the school counselor. Now!

[woman] Are you three ready for some exciting role playing?

I can't believe you dragged me into this.

[woman] Oh, come now, Ms. Narwhal,

helping Lady Crow and Brownie Bear mediate is an honor.

First of all, his name is Captain Impaler.

♪ Captain Impaler ♪

And, second, you guys are best friends.

Make up already and leave me out of it.

Well, if you weren't so stubborn and such a jerk sometimes.

You think I'm the jerk? You're the jerk!

Girls, mind your words.

Years ago, a few harsh words

lost me a best friend in the slumber party debacle of '72.

It was... it was...

[wailing]

Uh-oh.

Sarah! I never should have told you that you weren't groovy.

[blows nose]

Todd, tell Tasumi that I'm never going to forgive her for--

Todd, tell Riley that she's out of my life, and she--

-[growls] -[overlapping dialogue]

[wailing]

[growls]

[wailing]

-[growls] -[wailing]

Save me, Captain Impaler.

♪ Captain Impaler ♪

[phone beeping]

[telephone rings]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, I need to replace our school counselor

with someone who can help settle a girl fight.

[Mr. Fleem] Well, I am proud of you, Todd.

Requesting a replacement to help someone else.

[groans Believe me, it's totally selfish.

[Tasumi and Riley arguing]

Gladys Haig? It's me, Sarah. Sarah Pierce from the slumber party.

Oh, Sarah! I'm so sorry for everything. You're totally groovy.

[both laughing]

Then let's go skating!

[both yelling indistinct]

Come on, Fleemco, give me someone good.

[Riley] Why'd you turn the lights out?

[Tasumi] Why'd you turn the lights out?

Ladies and puppets, put your hands together

for international wrestling champion, Lady Lady!

Let's get ready for the throwdown, sisters.

[grunts]

My motto: every lady problem can be solved in the ring.

How would that solve anything? It won't tell us who's right.

Just who can hit better.

I would never stoop to violence to settle a disagreement.

So, it's OK, Tasumi,

I totally forgive you for causing the fight.

Forgive me? I forgive you for causing the fight.

-No, I forgive you! -No, I forgive you!

-I forgive you first! -[laughs]

Sounds like we got us a match. It's time to train for pain.

Yeah!

[panting]

[grunting]

[Lady Lady] Ooh, it's a lot tougher when the steak fights back.

Ho-ho, yeah!

[yells]

[gagging]

[crowd cheering]

That's one thing I'll never understand about the human race.

Always settling your differences through violence.

-So barbaric. -Says the deadly spy car.

-Built by humans. -Touché.

Get your foam fingers! Can't enjoy a fight without a foam finger.

I think Riley will lose 'cause she's, like, the biggest loser.

As if. Gloomy Tasumi is way more of a loser.

I think they'll both lose 'cause they're both losers.

[all laughing]

[groans] People can be so fickle sometimes.

-Go, Riley! -You're on my list, Gabby!

Go, Tasumi!

And now, brace yourselves

for Pleasant Hills very own Mayhem in the Gymnasium!

Echo, echo, echo!

In the pink corner, weighing in at a whopping 300 pounds,

the monster of metal, the sensei-agumi, the mighty Tasumi!

And in the red corner, weighing in at... [mumbles]

[chuckles]

[announcer] Riley, the cute red-headed rooster!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Hey, sis, I made you this.

Todd, how sweet.

[chuckles]

Now, remember all I taught you, Riley.

She's got bad peripheral vision in that mask.

Attack from the side.

Listen up. My guess is she's gonna come at you from the side.

That's what I'd do.

Here they are, face-to-face for the first time

since the end of their best friend legacy.

Only one will become champion.

[both growling]

This is an Amelia Earhart cage match,

which means the loser will have to go away, disappear forever,

take off and get lost... [echoing] lost... lost... lost...

Lost?

Lost? What makes you think I'm lost?

Because this is a broom closet, and you're looking for homeroom.

How'd you know that?

I was new once. I made the same mistake.

-I'm Tasumi. -Riley.

-Why are you in the closet? -Mm, I split my armor getting off the bus.

-I can't go out there. -Oh, I can fix that.

Duct tape. My dad makes me carry a roll.

He says it can fix anything.

He's right! Thanks.

-Hey, I don't wanna fight. -Me, neither.

Now, let's get ready for the throwdown!

[bell rings]

Go get 'em!

Hey, one of you clowns get in there!

[grunting]

One... two...

Pinning yourself? Rooster, that's a cock-a-doodle-don't.

[laughing]

In all my years of speaking into a microphone

I have never seen such an odd wrestling strategy.

[both yelling]

[both laughing]

Whoa!

[both laughing]

That's it! According to the official unofficial rules of pro wrestling,

since no actual contact has been made, it's a draw!

[crowd cheering]

Interesting. They solved their problem without ever landing a blow.

Maybe there's hope for your kind after all.

-Ooh! A nacho hat! -[sighs] Never mind.

-I'm sorry I was ever mad at you. -Me, too.

I can't believe I let something so trivial get in the way of our friendship.

-What was that fight about, anyway? -I don't even know.

Was it about me losing that stupid green shirt?

I think so, but it wasn't my shirt.

I don't wear shirts, especially ugly green ones.

What matters is you're my best friend forever.

No, you're my best friend forever.

Oh, girls. That was my stupid ugly green shirt.

[yells]

[growls]

[laughs] Sounds like we got us a match!

Yeah!

[Agent K] Who wants some of my famous homemade chili?

[shudders]

Todd, if I've told you once, I've told your father a thousand times.

No feet on the table.

Sorry, Mom. Just showing off the foot

that kicked three home runs today in the big kickball game.

Quickly, son. Spare no details.

In the course of a man's life, there are few chances at greatness.

With two outs and two strikes, this was one of them.

Can we talk about something other than kickball for once?

Like school maybe?

No problem. Did you kick three homes runs in math class today?

I'm running for school treasurer.

I'm so proud! If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

Anything.

Yeah, nothing too fancy like president or anything.

But not too boring like secretary. Just right.

I ran for office once. I remember it like it was three weeks ago.

[crying] I can't believe I lost!

[laughing] Thanks for electing me, Wally Winters,

president of Dick Daring's dumb old fan club.

And my opponent... second place is first loser, loser!

[crying]

He's already increased my dues!

It's just a stupid election for a stupid treasurer.

Riley doesn't even have a stupid opponent.

This foot toppled giants!

Todd, you should be proud of your sister.

In fact, it wouldn't hurt you

to be a little bit more like her sometimes.

-Isn't that right, Dick? -Absolutely, son.

But don't wear the rainbow belt and keep your hair short.

Oh, hello? Mr. Winters?

This is Dick Daring with the Dick Daring Fan--

-[dial tone] -Hello? Hello?

Riley, as your civics teacher, I'm proud to be your election sponsor.

We'll make buttons and posters and posters of buttons!

And even though I'm running unopposed,

I'm going to run a campaign based on the issues.

No negative ads, no mudslinging, just pure, honest--

You're not running unopposed. Your brother Todd

entered the race this morning.

[Riley yells]

You wanna run for treasurer? Fine. But I don't have time for it.

I teach civics, I coach the football team, and I tutor math.

You can do better!

So, I got two pieces of advice for you.

Hit 'em hard and hit 'em fast and don't sweat the details.

That was three pieces of advice.

I said don't sweat the details!

Now, if you'll excuse me, the lunch lady is sick today.

-[bell rings] -Soup's on!

Todd, what are you doing?

Mom and Dad want me to be more like you.

Fine! I'll do exactly that and see how you like it.

Just call me Miss Riley Junior.

Wait. Don't ever call me that!

Fine. This may be exactly the type of thing you need.

You'll learn something about more mature pursuits than kickball.

You keep kickball out of this!

May the best candidate win, Miss Riley Junior.

[gasps]

[yells]

"Anyone but Riley?" Todd, that's dirty politics.

No, it's not. It's... Jacobo?

The perfect storm of a disengaged middle school populace

being drawn in by a vague, but catchy slogan.

Plus, I drew you with zits. [laughs] Zits.

What would happen if you won? You wouldn't even know what to do.

I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.

Miss Gomez, we need to refocus our campaign

and pull out all the stops.

I'm way ahead of you, dear.

That's why I made these campaign cookies.

No, no. We need to go negative.

No cookies for Todd.

[phone beeping]

[telephone rings]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

I need someone who can beat my election opponent at his own game.

[Mr. Fleem] Well, Riley, I'll definitely see what I can do,

but... Oh, that's my other line. Hold on.

Hello, Fleemco.

Don't "Hello, Fleemco" me.

Whatever she's asking for, I want a better one.

[Mr. Fleem] Todd, you're running for treasurer?

What's that supposed to mean?

[Mr. Fleem] Oh, nothing. I'll see what I can do.

Was that Todd? That was Todd, wasn't it?

I'll get him.

Move! Move! Move!

Get him! Ooh! Ooh! Stupid monkey!

Percobi has been self-elected leader for two weeks now,

and look what he's done to his country. He's even banned bananas.

This type of intimidation and thuggery cannot go unpunish...

We seems to have lost Veronica Mudslinger,

and I, Ace Palmero, have a theory on who is responsible.

Any comment, self-elected Prime Minister Percobi?

What? You accuse me of this? This is an outrage!

If you were in my country,

I would round up all your cattle and I would...

Hmm. Looks like I, Ace Palmero, need a new theory.

-Hello, I'm-- -Riley Daring.

Daughter of Dick and K Daring. Likes sunny days, horses,

and maybe a little more candy than she'd like to admit. Hmm, hmm?

-How did you-- -I'm Veronica Mudslinger,

you're new campaign manager. I need you to be straight with me.

Is there anything in your past I need to know about?

-No, I don't think so. -A certain disposition for unicorns?

OK, OK. I was young and foolish and--

That'll never play with the eighth graders.

Your opponent pulls the unicorn card, you say, "I believe in possibilities."

Yeah. Yeah!

Now, I've been looking into this Todd character.

I found something that the good voters of George Stapler should see.

[Todd gasps] Mr. Wiggles!

"Would you trust this big baby as treasurer?"

Riley, this has to be one of the lowest--

Any and all communication with the candidate

must go through me. Good day, sir.

I said good day!

[whistles]

Ms. Mudslinger, I suggest you back off!

Unless your candidate wants to be evicted from her hut.

Or perhaps the secrets of her diary read over the intercom.

Attention, students. The following is a paid advertisement

from the "Anyone But Riley" campaign.

[man] What does the future look like to Riley daring?

Maybe something like this.

"Dear Diary, I dream of a world filled with wild unicorns running free."

[all laughing]

[gasps]

Oops.

[laughing]

I... I believe in possibilities!

Don't do it, Jacqueline. Don't give in to Troy's sweet, sweet lies.

[narrator] Passion Hospital will continue after these messages.

The following is a paid announcement

by the "Riley Daring for Treasurer" campaign.

[Veronica] What do we really know about Todd Daring?

His mother is secretive.

His father is reckless.

His friend, Jacobo, has a funny looking mouth.

Next week, when you go to the polls, go with the one you can trust.

Vote for Riley.

Jacobo's mouth is funny looking.

Oh, hello there.

I'm Todd Daring, and I approved the following message.

[Percobi] Riley Daring likes ponies,

but Todd Daring loves fun!

So, unless you hate fun, vote Todd Daring!

I'm so torn! Who do I support?

I hate both candidates so much.

[both gasp]

Strolling down memory lane?

Or looking for more photos to humiliate each other?

If you two are willing to let this silly election pull you apart, well, fine.

But you should think long and hard about whether it's worth it.

[both grunting]

-Let go! -Gimme that!

[Riley] Kids are gonna love this shot of you in your Princess Cuddlebug costume.

[Todd] Not as much as they're gonna like this baby picture of you

with a full diaper.

[Riley] Don't think I won't play the mullet card.

Ha! Bring it on!

Todd, wait. If we keep this up, no one's gonna win.

[Todd] You're right.

Hey, truce, baby brother.

Sorry, Riley.

I got tired of everybody telling me to be like you,

and I took it too far.

That's OK. I went a little crazy myself.

You gotta admit, Jacobo's mouth is funny looking.

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

[laughs]

[sighs] So, now what are we gonna do?

Ready to destroy, Todd?

Bad news. We're quitting the race.

You can't just quit.

Yes, we can. We're conceding today.

This is... this is just...

your fault, you nasty man with your rebel monkeys.

Me? What about you and your issues and politics?

Why, you scruffy, Ingunaguain.

With your wily ways and... [gasps]

Wavy hair.

Or your deep voice and roguish good looks.

[both] Kiss me, you fool.

[all groaning]

Well, I guess I won't need these.

"Vote for Todd 'cause he ain't Riley?"

-You made all these? -Yeah.

Wow. In trying so hard to prove you weren't like me,

you really applied yourself... like me.

I play to win, even when I don't wanna win.

Whoa. Maybe that's something I learned from you.

Because now I don't need these.

[kissing sounds]

"Vote for Todd and end the world?"

A bit over the top, but I like it.

I wonder which one of us would have won.

-You, probably. -No, probably you.

Fat chance. You're both losers.

I already stuffed the ballot box, losers.

[Principal Cutler] We congratulate Johnny Hitswell

on winning his eighth consecutive term as president.

Boy, didn't see that one coming.

And the winner of the race for treasurer is a write in candidate.

IC... Underpants?

[laughing]

Classic, Buzz. Classic. Yes!

Why, Ichabod Cornelius Underpants,

you didn't tell me you were running. [laughing]

[sighs] I wasn't. This happens every year. Every stinking year.

[Buzz laughing]

[announcer] The Fleemco Company presents: C.A.R. on moderation.

One of the keys to a long, successful life is taking things in moderation.

It's an acknowledged fact

that you can have too much of a good thing.

[yelling]

[yelling]

[yelling]

[yelling]

[laughs] On second thought, I can't get enough of that.

I could watch that every day for the rest of my warranty.

[announcer] This has been C.A.R. on moderation.

[C.A.R.] Seriously, can I just get a tape of that?

I'll pay top dollar.