Original subtitles

[theme song plays]

♪ Todd and Riley were, oh, so sad ♪

♪ Then they came 'cross a Fleemco ad ♪

♪ They sent away a $1.98 ♪

♪ Got a superspy mom ♪

♪ And a daredevil dude of a dad ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ The replacements ♪

♪ Now anytime they come across adults ♪

♪ Who are sly and deny and deprive them ♪

♪ And make things bad ♪

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, we need a replacement.

And fast.

♪ And anytime they wanna make a change ♪

♪ Modify and rearrange ♪

♪ Though it might get kinda strange ♪

♪ Make 'em better, nice And strong and fast ♪

♪ And smart and cool and maybe even lame ♪

♪ Call in the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Just get the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

Ow! Ow!

[grunts]

I know I fit into this thing at last year's Smashy Awards.

Well, darling, you may have gained some weight since then.

[both grunting]

-Like... a... glove! -What are the Smashys?

Big... stuntman... awards show!

And, of course, your father's going to sweep every category.

Or maybe that's just what they want us to think.

Well, don't worry, Mom. I'll make sure Todd behaves.

Oh, sorry, dear. We already got you a babysitter.

-Nora Howitzer. -[both gasp]

Oh, not Ms. Howitzer.

She's all, "Clean this," and, "Do these chores,"

and, "Scrap my bunions."

She made me wash my soap. My soap!

She's no fun! She's boring! And she backfires constantly.

You might as well have C.A.R. babysit us.

[C.A.R.] Hello, I can very clearly hear you,

and you know I'm trying to get that fixed.

Please, Mom, Dad. She's horrible.

-[crashing] -[both gasp]

Sorry. Putting my foot down.

[all yelling]

Oh, just like a glove.

What?

Aren't you going to tell me not to call Fleemco?

That replacing Ms. Howitzer is a mistake?

No way. For once, we're in total agreement.

[shudders]

I know. I'm scared, too.

[beep] [ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Our babysitter's no fun.

We want a babysitter who is all fun.

[Mr. Fleem] Consider it done.

[doorbell rings]

Todd und Riley, Riley und Todd.

Show me your filthy soap!

[laughs] And you said she wasn't fun!

[laughs] Well, wish me luck. Come on, hon.

-[both scream] -[Nora] It's bunion time, children!

[tires squeal]

"I love thee, Nora Howitzer I brought a dozen flowitzers

So, answer me right now... itzer Will you be mine, Ms. Howitzer?"

Marvin? Mein high school sweetheart?

How did you find me after all these years?

Oh, my gosh! That must be our dream babysitter!

Arr, me buccaneer buddies!

Be you ready for a boatload of fun?

Captain Jack Splatter reportin' for duty!

[both] It's the Captain Splatter!

[Riley] I used to love his show!

♪ Well, he's the one that you adore ♪

♪ Captain... [indistinct] What a pirate ♪

♪ Bouncy fun goes overboard ♪

♪ At Captain Splatter's fun boat ♪

♪ Climb aboard and join the trip ♪

♪ Have a riot with a pirate ♪

♪ We'll go down with the ship ♪

♪ On Captain Splatter's fun boat ♪

Well, me buckos, what'll it be?

All-you-can-eat pizza, pay-per-view movies,

stay awake until dawn?

[crows]

-All of the above! -This is awesome!

No such thing as too much fun!

Har har! Hee hee!

[both yell]

Har har! Hee hee!

[both cheering]

[car alarm beeps]

There! [giggles] Whoa! Slow down!

Never! No such thing as too much fun!

So, I shanghaied a few of your mateys to join us!

Har har!

-Yeah! [laughs] -Wow! Captain Splatter!

[yells]

Whee!

[yells]

You know, we have a similar show back home.

Fast-fast Banana Warrior,

only instead of firing cannons, we sat quietly.

And instead of being messy, we studied our lessons.

And instead of having fun, we were good citizens.

And instead of living there, we don't. Let's take this fun overboard!

[all] Yay!

[grunts] Phew!

Treasure hunt!

[all grunting]

Excuse me, Captain Splatter,

don't you think we might be going a little too far now?

Arr, matey, no such thing as too much fun.

Har har! Hee hee!

I guess, but I just don't think my parents will like this.

Arr. Ye may have a point, there.

But then again, I'm a pirate! I don't care what parents think!

I only cares if me junior buckos are havin' fun!

Todd, we are in for it!

Riley, relax. He's just doing his TV show for us.

Cannons, treasure hunt--

I know. And what does Captain Splatter do at the end of every show?

He sinks his... [gasps]

[foghorn blows]

His ship! Oh, boy. We are in for it.

Captain Splatter, we need to talk.

There's no way we're gonna let you sink our house.

Arr. Don't be daft. I couldn't sink your house

any more than I could sink my set at the TV station.

[both] Phew!

Nope. I'll just pump in 50,000 gallons, like we do on the set!

Avast, me hearties!

-You can't do that! -Of course I can.

After all, I'm your babysitter! Har har, hee hee!

Well, I don't know how I can help.

After all, I'm as bad as the worst babysitter ever.

But we need your help.

We have to get rid of Captain Splatter before he sinks the house!

Sorry, but I would never think of interfering with your good babysitter.

C.A.R., I'm the one who said that, and I am very, very sorry.

You're not prevaricating, are you?

Uh, I don't know what that means, but yes?

How was I supposed to know it meant "lie"? I don't speak British.

[both gasp]

Har har! Hee hee!

-[all cheering] -OK, captain.

It's time for a mutiny!

Belay that talk, or I'll throw you overboard to the sharks!

I'm not scared of you.

Come on. Who's gonna help put an end

to the non-stop hilarity and fun and help us clean up?

[crickets chirping]

You should've prevaricated!

[all] Walk the plank! Walk the plank! Walk the plank!

Har har! So much for your mutiny!

First, you and your brother are going overboard.

[all] Overboard! Overboard!

And then, I'm going to sink your house...

Uh, which is a metaphor for a ship.

Aye. You see, a metaphor... Ahh, forget it. Get walking.

Whoa!

Mmm! Chacaroni and cheese.

-Me next! -Out of my way, losers!

-Missile! -Bonsai!

My life is complete!

[yelps]

Not so fast, Captain Splatter.

You wanna sink my house? You gotta go through me and my sword.

-OK. You mostly gotta go through me. -So be it.

Oh.

Har har! Hee hee! Take that!

[grunting]

[grunting]

[cell phone rings]

Time out, OK?

Hi, Mom. Uh, no, nothing's going on.

Just tired from all those chores.

Did Dad win a lot? No? None?

He's in a really bad mood, and yours is worse?

OK. See you soon.

Arr! Prepare to abandon house! Or ship!

Whatever. We're going down!

[cell phone rings]

Hello? Oh, sorry. He's right here.

It's for you.

Arr. Who be it?

This is not really a good time. I...

Are you serious? Well, shiver me timbers!

Sorry, mateys, this pirate has to set sail for a port called Hollywood!

-Har har! Hee hee! -Wow! That was a lucky break.

[gasps]

Come on, everybody. Help us clean up before our parents get back.

I know it's a lot of work and really messy and no fun,

but if we all pitch in and...

Man, you should really learn to phrase things better.

We'll never get this place cleaned up in time.

At least Captain Splatter's out of the house.

I wonder if he'll be mad when he gets to Hollywood and finds out

that no one is really planning to make Captain Splatter: The Movie.

Huh? You helped us, even after I prevaricated all over you?

-But why? -I think I know.

C.A.R. realized we had learned our lesson, so because he loves us, he bailed us out.

No. I did it for entirely selfish reasons.

-[both] Like what? -That... that's none of your business.

Well, there is a way to clean this place up.

[both] But how?

You've got everything in there.

Uh, except cup holders.

Don't start with me. I'm trying to be helpful.

[grunting]

You're the best babysitter ever.

-We love you. -I know.

-I love me, too. -[tires screech outside]

They're here!

Hee-yah!

Kids, we're home!

-[grunts] -[crash]

I thought you said you didn't win anything!

[laughs] We just wanted to surprise you!

Speaking of surprises, this house looks cleaner than when we left.

Well, uh--

Kids, kids, kids, there's such a thing as being too responsible.

-Have a little fun once in a while. -OK.

Say cheese!

[laughs]

[mumbles indistinct]

[both] C.A.R. Did it!

[C.A.R.] And in Düsseldorf,

my retractable laser blades were all that stood

between us and certain death.

Cool. I wanna see those!

You can show us on the way to school!

Me, in a carpool? I'd sooner be scrapped.

Besides, there's no reason on earth why you can't take the school bus.

None. It's inconceivable.

It's impossible. It's... What are you doing with that phone?

[beep]

[ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

I need to replace the school bus driver

with someone so bad, my parents will never let me get on.

[bus driver] Finally, the mother ship has come back for me!

Renew, renew!

[C.A.R.] This is humiliating. I mean, how bad are these new bus drivers?

What are they, orangutans?

[screeching]

-[C.A.R.] Well played, Todd. -[spy music playing]

[grunting]

Driving to school with your mom sure is exciting, Riley.

-[tires screeching] -That's mostly the music.

Mom, can't we listen to one of my CDs for a change?

Of course, dear.

-[pop music plays] -♪ Yeah ♪

[both] Yay! Dustin Dreamlake!

I still don't see anyone back there, Mom.

Of course, you don't. Whoever's following us is good. Very good.

[tires screeching]

Whoa! Or maybe you're just a weirdo!

Mom!

Listen, kids, if you want to stay alive, you do the unexpected.

Unless, of course, they expect that.

Then the unexpected thing to do is the expected thing.

But they'll expect that, so you don't.

[tires screech]

What I expect is that we're gonna be late for school.

Late? I've never been late in my life.

C.A.R., I need options, and I need them now.

Yes, K. May I suggest the Morocco maneuver?

[Agent K] No.

-The Oslo option? -[Agent K] No.

-The Tangiers two-step? -[yells]

Perhaps you should just access the traffic grid computers.

I feel so fulfilled.

[beeping]

[crashing and honking]

Whoa, your mom is so cool. I bet your birthday party's gonna rock.

It's your 13th! The big one-three!

Official teenagerdom! It's gotta be huge!

What did you do for your 13th birthday, Tasumi?

Well, we still lived in Japan then, so we flew to Osaka and defeated Gamazor.

-That's me right there. -That sounds huge, all right.

Your folks better have something cool planned for this weekend,

or by Monday morning, you'll be the biggest lame-o in school.

In fact, I've already reserved

www.Rileyisthebiggest- lameoinschool.com and .net.

[tires screeching]

-[grunting] -[bell rings]

We're here. And I believe we've lost whomever was following us.

Uh, Mom? My party's gonna be huge, isn't it?

I can neither confirm nor deny the hugeness of your party.

But rest assured, your father and I would never do anything to embarrass you.

[rumbling]

Look out below!

[groans]

[all laughing]

Hey, I was following you guys for blocks! You forgot your lunches.

[Agent K] So, the bear-building birthday party

at B.B. McGrowley's Bear Buildatorium...

-Is it huge? -[Todd] Yes, it's huge.

If you were going for hugely lame. This is a party for four-year-olds.

Don't listen to him, Evel Bearknievel.

Those were 35 of the best birthday parties we've ever had.

[sighs] Fine.

[exclaims] I'll do what I did for your party,

jump the house on my lawnmower! [laughs]

Hey!

Ta-da!

Dad, that was cool, except for the fact you spelled my name wrong.

What are you talking about, Toad?

-Dad, I love your stunts, but I'm a boy. -I hear you, Toad.

-What if I do it backwards? -[Riley] Do what backwards?

Does this have something to do with my birthday party?

No, of course not. I was just, uh...

showing your mother a judo throw.

Hi-yoo. [yells]

[grunts] Just the way I taught you. [chuckles]

About my party... this is the first time in my life

that I've ever had a chance to be popular or cool,

so, please tell me it's gonna be huge.

-You can't even imagine how huge. -Neither can we.

-[yells] -[crashing]

Really, Mom? That is so great!

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Gentlemen, the stakes have just been raised.

It's time to commence Operation: Thunder Party.

We will give Riley the greatest birthday party of all time,

or we shall perish trying!

[beeps]

[laughs] She's kidding about that last part.

[laughs] Isn't she?

-So, C.A.R., the way I see it-- -No.

Hear me out! If I can get us up to a speed of 170, 175, we could--

-I said no. -Please!

Dick, are you familiar with the Oslo option?

[buzzing]

But I already built the ramp!

Oh! Fine!

I'll just have to put a couple more rockets on the lawnmower.

[Dick mimics C.A.R.] Ohh, I'm a scaredy British car.

I'm afraid to jump the house!

[wails]

[gasps] You're back!

Tell me you came up with something.

I made a few discreet inquiries.

Tell me what kind of party to give Riley, now!

I just want to go home!

But I struck out.

-That's it. We're doomed. -Not necessarily.

Mom, you always say do the unexpected.

Well, did you expect this?

-[music playing] -You bugged your sister's room?

Todd, I am very disappointed in you.

You put the camera in the totally wrong place!

I can't see a thing. And all I can hear

is that silly Dustin Dreamlake song. Give me that.

Here we go.

The Dustin Dreamlake Fan Club will now come to order.

First order of business... dance like Dustin.

-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. -Point of order.

If the president's birthday party really reeks tomorrow,

-can we kick her out of the club? -Of course.

[both laughing]

We're serious.

Oh, relax, Riley. Your party will be fine.

It's not like you have a couple of mail order parents

who have no idea what they're doing.

Uh, right. Uh, I forgot.

I have to go do something totally unrelated to my party. Bye!

Code red! Code red!

[gasping]

-Hi, Mom. Hi... -[gasps]

-Dad? -I'm not sitting on anything!

I was just thinking.

I know you're planning this big party for me,

but maybe it would be nicer if it was just the four of us.

Too late! We've already got it all planned out.

It's gonna rock!

[groans]

Oh. Ok, great. Heh.

Just remember, my teenaged life is in your hands.

Ohh! What were you thinking, Toad?

Her party is gonna rock. Literally.

The answer was right on her shirt.

And on the walls. And on the CDs.

-Uh, Dustin Dreamlake? -He's gonna sing at her party!

[laughs] Are you crazy?

The only way we could possibly get Dustin Dreamlake here

is if your mom could convince him that she needed his help

on an undercover mission vital to our national security!

-[laughs] Like that could happen. -I'm on it.

C.A.R., I need you to locate Dustin Dreamlake, and then--

-[C.A.R.] He's in Belgium. -How could he--?

-[tires screeching] -I'm a fan.

Brussels, hey?

[Dick groans] That's where they make those horrible sprouts.

Oh. This will be tight.

While I'm gone, you two set up the backyard for a concert.

-See you tomorrow at 5:00. -What if you're late?

Late? [scoffs] I've never been late in my life.

She's late!

[burps]

Don't worry, son. A good stuntman always has a backup plan.

[microphone feedback]

Hey, kids. How was the cake?

You tell us!

[all laughing]

Very funny, Buzz.

So... who wants some entertainment?

[all cheering]

[Buzz] Who wants some more cake?

[all laughing]

[clears throat] Let's give a warm welcome to my little buddy

Evel Bearknievel.

[bear voice] Hello, everybody.

[normal voice] Well, hello, Mr. Bearknie--

-[groans] Thank you, Buzz. -[crowd laughing]

[bear voice] Thank you, Buzz.

[all laughing]

Well, I'm all out of cake. So, I'm leaving this loser party.

[engine revving]

[gasp] Look!

[yells]

-Hey, Riley. -Dustin Dreamlake!

I hope you don't mind that I crashed your party.

[pop music plays]

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Hey, Riley ♪

Now, listen, girl.

♪ Your cool is-a so hot ♪

♪ You know that You gotta lotta gotta lot ♪

♪ There's nothin' I wouldn't do ♪

♪ To spend a lotta time with you, 'cause ♪

[kids screaming]

-We did it! -Sorry we were late.

-How was the cake? -Painful.

[kids screaming]

Thanks, you guys.

Uh, I have a confession to make. When I wanted to cancel the party,

it was because I was afraid you might embarrass me.

-We know. -You do? How?

-We didn't bug your-- -We are your parents, sweetie.

We're supposed to know these things.

The point is, I should have trusted you to come through for me.

You always do.

All right, K, I give up.

Which one of these kids turned out to be

the cleverly disguised spy known as "Tiny Evil"?

Uh... about that.

It's that little cake-thrower over there!

[sputters]

Excellent. I think I'll go have

a little discussion with him about national security.

[Buzz yelling]

Hey, C.A.R., I thought you weren't gonna jump over the house.

No, I only said I wasn't jumping over the house

because you were driving.

I'm not crazy, you know.

[all laughing]

Only one thing to do now. Dance like Dustin!

-Oh, yeah! -Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Check this out.

Ooh-hoo. I dance just like Dustin. Ow!

[announcer] And now, the Fleemco company presents:

Dick Daring on image.

When you're a famous celebrity like myself,

image is everything.

Whether you're working in your garage or attending a fancy formal event,

nothing beats the style, comfort, and elasticity

of a red, white, and blue jumpsuit.

Yes, when you put on a red, white, and blue jumpsuit,

you're saying to the world, "Hey, world. Get a load of me.

I've got class coming out of every pore".

Lookin' sharp, Pleasant Hills.

[announcer] This has been Dick Daring on image.