Original subtitles

[man] Look here, Johnson,

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

[child's voice] Well, anyway.

Oh.

Bring the beat back.

[woman] Oh, yes, I remember that.

[man] Yes, I remember that.

[burps]

[funky beat playing]

[distant cheering and yelling]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[clangs]

[phone ringing]

[Melanie] For years now,

various brands have been cashing in on major social movements.

You know, Starbucks did a campaign on racism.

Gillette did one on toxic masculinity.

Pepsi solved something with…

Kardashian or some shit. And I just thought, come on.

When are we gonna get in on that?

I mean we can't sit back on this any longer.

You know, major social movements are being

snapped up left, right and centre.

Is there anything left?

Um, potholes and stuff?

-Or is that…? -[employee 3] Too small.

[employee 2] Wage gap, it's a bigger gap.

[Melanie] That's good. That's better than potholes.

We could do like a banana split down the middle.

Like, we could do a red velvet.

-[employees agree] Yeah. -Yeah.

[employee 3] Like, served in a menstrual cup.

[employee 2] Like, in a moon cup.

[in disbelief] Wow.

-"Peachriarchy." -[Melanie] "Peachriarchy."

-Yeah, Like pistachio. -And heavier flavours.

[employee 3] I think pistachio is, like, nonbinary.

[employee 2] Yeah, or lesbians.

Because of the gap, could we just serve women

17% less ice cream--

but they pay the same--

then what a man would get?

[employee 3] No.

Monopoly did a version of the game where men got paid less

when they pass "Go," so they've got a, um…

What's it called when you own all of something?

It's a monopoly.

[employee 3] Yeah, what about

poverty.

What if we put all of the ice cream in the top

1% of the tub,

and then underneath there's nothing?

I don't know how physically we'd achieve that, but--

Well, sticks. You could use sticks.

And maybe we could, like, actually donate

some of the profits to…

[employee 3] Um…

No, look, I mean, we're an ice cream company.

We're not going to solve poverty.

[man] Oh, okay.

[Melanie] Or lose our Christmas party!

[all laugh]

Oh, the military industrial complex.

We can absolutely solve that.

Let's get going on this, guns blazing.

-Guns blazing, bitches. -[all laugh]

[interviewer] Toxic masculinity.

Men use razors. We get it.

But what's the through-line from ice cream

to the military industry complex?

Wouldn't you be better off fighting heart disease

or diabetes that you directly profit from?

Yeah.

Sorry, I didn't realise there were going to be questions.

[laughs]

[employee 2] "Napalm Sugar."

[Melanie] Like, you can have "Bubble Gun."

At the same time as you can have "Lest We Yoghurt."

-[man] Yeah. -Agent Orange.

I've got that here, so "Agent Orange Sorbet."

What about "Banana," but it's just,

"Ba na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na." Like that.

"Hundreds & Thousands… Dead."

Yeah, "I Lost My Three Boysenberry."

Or "My Four Boysenberry."

Again, "Saving Private Strawberry Ryan."

Kind of conjures that.

[Melanie] Well, you know, I think that

the question that you should be asking

isn't, "Why are Jen and Berry's ice cream

tackling the military industrial complex?"

I think that the question that you should be asking

is, "Why aren't Cornetto's?"

[narrator] There exists a manly man,

all brain and all brawn,

who invented a time travel device,

enabling himself to trespass into any time in history.

With his new Chrono-Warp powers,

he travels the timeline to erase bad things from the past.

He has many names, but you know him as

"Time Knight."

[man singing] ♪ Yesterday's now And tomorrow is a memory ♪

♪ A stopped clock Ticks once again ♪

♪ A healing force The guardian of history ♪

-[woman] ♪ Time warp ♪ -[male singer] ♪ Engage! ♪

[backup vocals] ♪ It's Time Knight ♪

♪ It's Time Knight It's Time Knight ♪

♪ Defender of History ♪

Detecting an Adolf Hitler getting born.

Coordinates 1889.

Well, there's no time like the present.

Yes there is. It is "now."

[Time Knight laughs]

[both laugh]

♪Time Knight erased Hitler And stopped World War II ♪

♪ And had lots of lovers Across all times ♪

♪ One of those flames Turned out to be his own mum ♪

♪ Whoops now he's his own dad ♪

♪ It's Time Knight ♪

♪ It's Time Knight It's Time Knight ♪

♪ Defender of History ♪

[Chrono 311] I present Time Knight's family tree.

Time Knight is caught in an infinite timecest loop,

repeatedly travelling back in time

to have sex with his mother to give birth to his son,

Time Knight.

This goes on ad infinitum. But it is totally worth it.

The infinite coitus with your own mother

means Hitler is dead.

And the mystery of your abusive alcoholic father is solved.

It was you all along.

Time Knight, congratulations.

[narrator] As his own father,

if he uses his powers to stop his time-travelling

incestuous affair with his mother,

a paradox known as "timecest,"

he won't exist, Hitler will live,

and the Time Knight will be solely responsible for

World War II.

A selfless time warrior, he chooses the path of honour.

[Time Knight] Would you say it was, um,

100% necessary that I, um,

sleep with my mum to stop World War II?

[printer whirs]

Just…

[data printout clattering]

Yes.

How many casualties were there?

Ah, in World War II?

Give or take?

85 million people.

Fuck it! Shit!

[male singer] ♪ Then, one day a Traumatised future Time Knight ♪

♪ Tried to stop his younger self From sleeping with his own mum ♪

♪ He did what's right And killed his older self ♪

♪ Saving the world again! ♪

[narrator] So, if you ever need a hero,

someone willing to kill their older self,

just to keep a younger version of themselves

sleeping with their own mum on an infinite loop,

to kill baby Hitler and stop World War II, then you need…

[backup vocals] ♪ The Defender of History! ♪

♪ It's Time Knight ♪

[thunder sound effect]

-[babies wailing] -[splatting sounds]

[Melanie] The military industrial complex

is a pernicious cycle.

Once we have snagged people's attention

with our 47 flavours, we are gonna need to go bigger.

Exactly. We all need to use our voices to stop this

revolving door between lobbyists and government position,

which is effectively privatising foreign policy.

And we need to end it right now.

For a limited time only, obviously.

So, we thought that we start off with a pretty bold statement.

Baskin and Robbins… [mimics retching]

…are known for their 31 flavours.

So, we thought this month on Instagram,

why not go one better?

Or should I say, 16 better?

[interviewer] Sixteen better. That's 47?

"AK-47 Flavours."

[interviewer] Oh, some might argue

that's pretty tasteless.

I mean, there's something for everyone's taste

right here, my friend.

[melancholy music]

No. No…

Why?

[yells] Why?

[bright music]

[male] The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single scoop.

Try PTSD Leché today.

[clapping]

[man] Oh my God. Wow.

I think it's perfect.

I am in total awe of each and every one of us.

I mean, the online engagement speaks for itself.

It's been incredible. Even our rivals are copying us.

-Look. -[woman clears throat]

[man 1] Oh wow.

[man 2] They're a bunch of fucking pricks.

I think that, um…

You know, I think that for anyone out there

who has ever thought that war is not good,

and they needed a series of novelty ice cream flavours

to articulate that for them, then this is it.

[interviewer] What have been the results of the campaign?

Well, we've had millions of views, so.

[interviewer] And how about the tangible result?

I don't know. I mean, I think that we… Just, we solved it.

Just something, I don't know. I don't know.

What are you looking for, a graph or something?

Nerd.

[flies buzzing]

[slow music plays in bar]

Make it a double.

Someone's had a long day.

Mate, you wouldn't know the half of it.

[bartender] You've got a very familiar face.

Are you that Time Knight bloke?

Why, yes, I am.

Didn't you have an affair with your mother?

I did that…

to save the world

from the man called Adolf Hitler.

Who's Adolf Hitler?

[incredulously] Who's Hitler?

Yeah, fuck it.

[bartender] I don't know who he is, mate.

Oh, fuck it.

Fuck this noise.

[time machine starts up]

I'm outta here, mate.

[bartender] What's that?

Hey, don't do that in the bar.

No. You need to pay.

Poor bloke.

[backup vocals] ♪ He slept with his own mum ♪

♪ It's Time Knight ♪

[discordant classical music]

[narrator] Britain, a country under siege,

with violent gang activity.

But here in Womberton Upon Trent,

residents are feeling increasingly threatened by

a new and dangerous breed of gang.

[Butcher Boy 1] You know what?

No.

Exactly how can any of us be said to know anything?

Yeah, bro. See, if we manifest the universe

while witnessing it,

then everything is subjective in it.

Yeah, you feckless bum truffle.

[narrator] Yes, gangs of philosophers roam the street,

casting confusion and doubt over this once-sleepy hamlet.

This town was the perfect place to bring your family up,

and everyone in it knows each other.

We're all very good community.

And then these people came in, and…

That's it. Nobody's game to go out anymore.

[narrator] Quarrels are common in Womberton,

when rival gangs encroach on one another's territory.

Oi, you three!

What?

Telling people they manifest the universe?

That's Eastern philosophy.

Eastern spiritual philosophy's our fucking turf.

Oh looks like someone's attached to something, Yeah?

And attachment leads to suffering.

Thought you might know that.

You not read up on your subject properly?

Eat your dick, mate!

You know "our turf" is just a turn of fucking phrase.

Come here and I'll smash you in the fucking paradigm!

[narrator] With well-articulated exchanges on the rise,

Wombertonites find themselves fearing for the future

of their town, and their biannual chutney carnival.

Well, you know, we like to do lots of stuff.

Hanging on street corners, like, robbing people.

Yeah, of certainty.

Yeah, robbing people of certainty.

-Sorry, should have added that. -Yeah.

Yeah, this isn't somewhere I want to raise my kids anymore.

Yeah, I wanted to bring them up under mindless consumerism.

But now?

There's so much free thinking everywhere, it's just not safe.

[narrator] Womberton enjoys the comfort of darkness.

But like a cardigan made of wasps,

that comfort is short-lived, as the punks indulge in a night

of the Tibetan Book of the Dead on vinyl.

[loud audio plays]

[knock on door]

Come on, love. Turn it off.

What? You afraid we'll wake up the neighbourhood

to the fact we're all one?

No, it's 3:00 a.m.,

and I'm afraid you'll actually wake them up.

Sis, you've got to come in here.

[narrator] With one of their number succumbing

to an all-night binge, and eventually overdosing

on the Bhagavad Gita,

dangerously close to transcending,

it takes several shopping catalogues and a gossip bag

to bring him round.

[punk] Harry and Meghan, they've left the Royal Family.

Oh, fucking hell.

You're back, you're back.

Where was I, sweetie?

It's fine. You're here now.

Oh, fuck me. I was off me head.

[narrator] Soon enough, the punks are back outdoors

for a day of debating, introspection,

and piercing their own taints.

Look like the fucking circus has come to town, has it?

[punk] Okay, there's a few of them…

[narrator] Further adding to Womberton's turmoil

is a third gang, the Hobbesian Chavs.

Oi, oi. What you doing here? If in fact you are here?

[narrator] Advocates of 17th-century philosopher

Thomas Hobbes, who believes that in the absence

of a centralised authority, humans would become brutish.

Hobbes said without strong, you know,

institutions like the coppers and the police,

we'd all, society, be falling apart.

We don't need these fucking punks

you know, tearing down the walls that keep us all together.

What, you've run out of people to tell

that we need authority of control ruling over them,

or else we wouldn't have an objective morality?

Which they do need, because humans are inherently selfish,

you mouldy fucking piss bucket.

Or had you forgotten?

Except, human beings are only selfish

'cause they're caught in a capitalist paradigm.

A paradigm they are trying to tear down.

But we are in a capitalist paradigm,

Therefore humans need government control.

Why can't they argue about things that matter?

Like what sports team's going to win on Saturday, or…

Like, what chicks are hot and what chicks are not hot?

There's one thing I can't stand more than Eastern Thought Punks,

it is Chavs that have embraced the pessimistic views

of renowned 17th-century philosopher Thomas Hobbes.

[Chav 1] Yeah, but we are in a capitalist paradigm.

Is your argument wrinkled,

hairy, and in my pants, because that's fucking bollocks.

-[indistinct chatter] -[rock music playing]

[Chav 1] You're fucking asking for it!

You might have fucking won this round,

but the debate on whether or not human beings can be decent

in the vacuum of a social contract isn't over.

[narrator] With the dominant neo-conservative values

of the Hobbesian Chavs momentarily quashed,

and an alliance between the Eastern Thought Punks

and the epistemological Butcher Boys formed,

peace returns to Womberton Upon Trent once more.

[resident] I mean, it's not like we can relax.

They'll be back.

Sometimes, I just wish

they'd just throw a brick through my window.

I mean, at least I can fix a broken window.

How am I supposed to fix a shattered sense of reality?

Call a handyman?

[rapid beeping]

[deafening bang]

[general] And that's why we have to launch the strike

by nightfall.

[soldier] Stop everything.

This is a code dark red.

It's called "Nuclear Disarma-Mint."

But this is highly irregular.

Goddammit, can you just trust me?

Okay, well.

I don't know why I'm about to eat ice cream, but…

[military bugle sounds]

Well, gentlemen…

I think that's pretty clear cut.

Pull out of the Middle East tomorrow and immediately disband

the entire military apparatus of the United States.

It's been an honour.

I've served you with pride.

[gun cocks]

-[gunshot sounds] -[upbeat music]

[man, cheerfully] Go from military industrial complex

to military industrial simple!

Try "Nuclear Disarma-Mint" today!

and introducing our new anti-paedophilia flavour.

"Don't Touch Kids & Raisin."

[theme music playing]

[woman] Oh, yes, I remember that.

[man] Yes, I remember that.

[funky theme music continues]

[indistinct overlapping chatter]

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