Original subtitles

MUSIC: Love Shine A Light by Katrina and the Waves

Love shine a light in every corner of my heart

Let the love light carry, let the love light carry.

Arise, sweet neighbours and come all ye faithful,

for it is I, Gary.

I know it has been a tough year, I do know that.

But surf upon my shoulders and come with me

and let us turn this crescent

into a symbol of glowing unity,

with the Butterchurn Crescent Christmas lights display.

Baby, slow down. Quick and slow, babe,

I'm running out of Crescent, babe.

Well, I can't go any slower, I'm the riding the clutch here, babe.

SPEAKS FASTER: Our true job is to make these lights not only the best

in England but the best ones in all of the world there's ever been,

ever, of all time, of all time, I say.

That's it, babe, you's fudged it, you's fudged it.

Get down off there and turn that racket off.

Ain't even a Christmas song.

Well, it's inspirational and it's about lights, Dad.

Listen we've all had a chat and the feeling is, everyone's skint.

We can't afford the lights.

We're going to have a year off.

Whatever next, Dad?

One year becomes three, three becomes six, and then you're ten

years down the line and kids don't even know what Christmas is no more.

You can't put a price on the happiness that these lights bring.

No. No lights.

We're having a cutback Christmas, no lavish gifts,

no bird-within-a-bird-within-a-bird, and we are doing Secret Santa.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No way to Secret Santa.

Secret Santa? Like Secret Santa?

Yes, and we will be doing a 20 quid spending limit.

Oh, my God.

I've already got everything that's worth 20 quid.

Don't talk soppy, you fanny!

You need to focus your energies on the business,

cos we've had a rocky year.

Don't you worry about the business, I have a festive lunch with

Les Fenwick about an ickle bit of a business he's got.

You're having lunch with Les Fenwick?

You never told me about that.

Well, I didn't know about your secret Christmas lights mutiny.

I will conquer Fenwick.

I will seal the deal and I will save Christmas.

Bubba-lugs, I know you've got a lot going on in your brain right now

but I'm really going to need you to try and focus. OK?

It's just for me, Christmas should be swaddled in happiness

and it's currently under threat from a bunch of Ebenezers, so...

Yeah, which is precisely why we need to bring the joy to everyone, yeah?

I know.

I mean, like, for me, a TikTok is like, so much better than a

Christmas card, it's like original,

uniqueness and environmental cheek, so...

The way that you pull a concept together literally just

blows my mind. I know, I know.

Right, up on your feet please, everyone.

OK, chop, chop.

Now, listen, I ain't expecting you both to nail this straight away,

it's a very complex routine, so it takes as long as it takes.

So buckle up because I need this to be utter perfection

and every time I'm looking in your eyes, I need you to be giving

it the full a honey-p, a honey-p at the time, all right?

Thank you, maestro.

REGGAE BEATS PLAY

Bang bang boom, cha-crutch.

Have some of that.

Hello.

Oh, mate, that was, babe, that was just incredible dancing and stuff.

Complex though, right? Yeah, challenging.

What do you reckon then, Teds, eh?

It's just I'm not really feeling the TikToking loving from ya.

I'm not doing one of your dances, they're embarrassing.

Embarrassing? OK.

Sure, I mean like, my Bathroom Skank only got like 25,000 views

in lockdown but it, but it's embarrassing apparently.

Ironic, maybe, yeah? But not embarrassing.

You're embarrassing actually for saying that, so excuse me,

you hearing this? I hear it, I don't believe what I'm hearing.

They're stupid. Stupid? Stupid?

Christmas is stupid. Christmas is stupid now, is it? Oh, OK, great.

Whoa now!

Gary's stepping in.

Let's slow the stupid train down.

All right?

Tedrick, to your room at once. Go and practice for your choir.

Don't need to practise, I'm not doing it.

What?

Why are you going toe-to-toe with Christmas all of a sudden?

Toe-to-toe with Christmas, mate?

That singing's the highlight of my year, every year.

Huh?!

CAR HORN BEEPS

Stuart... Stuart Williams.

Where are you heading? Station? No, no actually, no.

Where you going then, mate? I...

I am going to the station, yeah. Same. Same, mate.

Doing the big commute myself, got a massive meeting in town.

Jump in, I'll tell you all about it.

Honestly, Gary, I'm fine actually.

I actually enjoy the walk, so... Walking is for mugs, mate.

Jump in. Come on. Thank you.

Take your time but hurry up.

Can I move this seat back?

Nah, nah, nah, nah, leave that, mate,

leave it as it is, Terri likes it just that way, sorry. Sure.

It's nice to have a little company for the big drive in.

Well, it's a seven-minute drive, so...

Quicker than walking though, right? Yes, well, obviously.

What is it, half-hour walk? Yeah, it's about that, yeah.

I wouldn't know, mate, if I'm honest, cos I drive everywhere.

Everywhere I drive, but today's a bit of a different one

because I've got this massive, massive meeting as I was saying,

it's our biggest client so I'll have a bit of the old Dutch courage.

Sure. I'll get the Weatherspoon's at Viccy, have a couple of Peronis

if you fancy one? What, at 10am?

It's Christmas, mate, so rules are out the window.

Yeah, and I'll go to Oxford Street, have a little wander up

and down there, little bowl into Selfridges, get a selfie by

Carnaby Street and, yeah, it's...

You done your Christmas shopping yet?

Well, we're not really doing presents this year.

Are we actually going to go, Gary?

What, you got yourself, yourself a little packed lunchbox there?

Yes, this is my lunch, Gary, yeah.

Oi!

Dad, Dad, look who's poncing a lift into London.

I have not ponced a lift.

You sure about this meeting with Fenwick today?

He can smell your arsehole flapping a mile off.

It's fine, Dad, I've got this.

Yeah, but you've never pitched before, you know

you get damp round clients. I don't get damp.

Right, I'm coming with you.

Give me five minutes, I'll get my suit.

No. Nah...

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, no to that.

Don't worry about it, I've got it, it's my deal.

Don't you nause this! I won't nause it!

Gary, I'm going to miss my train.

What, are you on a specific train? Yes, I've got to be on the 9:07.

Oh, ho, mate, you ain't going to make that.

What are you talking about?

I've got to go Tesco Express and get some ChapStick and some Rennies.

What? Yeah, I get heartburn and I'm on the piss all day, so cause havoc.

Do you think you'll still make it if you run? No.

What you putting the pigs out for?

Oh, well I haven't got any choice, have I?

Terri's mum and her fella, Martin, arrive tonight for Christmas.

Oh, God. The mute.

I get more conversation out of them pigs.

Well, this was the first one, Pig Zero, 1998.

Since then, every birthday and Christmas, she buys me

bleeding pigs, I mean, it's just lazy present buying, it's a joke.

It makes my brain itch.

Drinking all my cans, leaving his fingerprints everywhere.

Well, they're coming, so there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh!

How, how, how was your steak then, mate?

Best steak you've ever had in your whole life would you say? Yeah?

What they do with the cows that they use here is, they're given

like a bathtub of water every day from calf, to make them

show-moist, that's what makes them show-moist.

Talking of moist, you've got a right bead on you,

like a big old cow yourself.

Why don't you take your jacket off?

Nah, nah, nah, nah, I'm fine, I'm fine, thank you, John, mate,

cheers, thank you.

So, business? We're here to discuss a little bit of the business.

Gary, take your jacket off.

Ah, I'm sweet actually, I'm good mate, I feel like I am, so.

Take it off.

Yep, right you are, let's get the old jacket off, shall we?

Take it off. Oiee.

Ahh.

So, so bus, bus...

What is, what is business? It's...

And who are Kings Property Maintenance?

Well, we, we are the, uh, we are the leader, genre, of,

we, we are the leading property maintenance within the genre. Gary.

Just, so, sh, we aren't just a business or a company, Les,

we are a family, mate, we are a family

built up of many different entities and extremes.

Like, we have electricians.

Like Mark, and other electricians, all CORGI registered

and legit and all with certificates of education.

Gary, keep it down, mate.

And there is Emma. Emma has been our receptionist for a long...

You'd love Emma, she's great.

Answers the phones, does all the typing, signs off the time sheets.

We've got our carpenters, all, like...

Gary, I know how a property maintenance company works.

Lionel, Philip.

Gavin, Lucien.

So, lots of different carpenters.

Right, stop. Listen.

I've got a new job, it's a cracker, it's looking after

the property maintenance for all the royal houses.

Let me do that. We'll do that for you.

I'll do that all day long for you, mate.

This is the big time, Gary.

We're talking Buckingham Palace,

Blenheim Palace, all the palaces as they stand

and I was wondering if your little firm could be across all of them.

Yeah! Yeah.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Yes, mate, of course we can, Les, that's what I'm saying.

The work is yours, provided you look after Fenwick.

I'm sure you'd go a little bit further than, say, rival companies?

Yes, we will go further than any of those clowns.

I'll go literally, you can call me up any time of day,

any day of the week and you're like,

"All right, Gary, it's Les, I've been a right two-and-eight here,

"I'm in a right fuddle.

"I need someone to go over t' Pennines for me."

I'll be like, "Les, mate, I'm already there,

"I'm already there, cockle."

If you take into account the amount you'll be earning...

Mm.

..we can all have a little touch, a little taste of it.

That's really important to our ethos,

and how we do business down at Kings Property Maintenance.

Everyone gets some, everyone gets looked after. Everyone, mate.

That's teamwork. Spread it out.

What you doing? Why are you doing that?

Oh, yes, of course.

A little sign of gratitude for you there.

Thank you, Gary, I'll open this later.

Ah, ah, ah, you'll open that now, mate. Get it open, mate.

Look at that, you as a reindeer, mate.

Where did you get that photo?

Off your wife's Facebook.

How good is that?

Moonpig, mate, make all your cards Moonpig, all personalised

so only you in the world can have that card.

So that forgoes the end of the business transition?

A very merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

Would you partake in another whisky? Er...

John! Two more whiskies.

Let's get you bolloxed.

MUSIC: Run Rudolph Run by Chuck Berry

Out of all the reindeers you know you're the mastermind

Run, run Rudolph, Randolph ain't too far behind.

Where's them chicken balls?

Jodie, would you like a plate?

No, I'm all right. Oh, no, have a plate, darling.

No, save on the washing up. Chicken balls? Anyone seen them?

Yeah, we have a dishwasher.

Where's the chicken balls?

Martin, you seen the chicken balls?

How many you had?

Seven? Seven!

That's nearly a whole chicken.

He's gone in dry, look, he ain't touched the sweet and sour sauce.

Waste!

All right, boy?

Hope you're not hungry. Martin's mullered this Chinese.

You might want to take a seat, Dad.

So...

..I'm sorry, Dad, but we didn't the job.

Oh, YOU didn't get the job, you mean.

Ha! Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha! Oh, mate, there was no nausing going on.

By the way, that was a prank, everyone.

I pranked everyone,

but especially you, mate, cos you should be gutted.

Hook, line and sinker, mate, you.

How was his face like? So...

Oh, no, you're joking. Ha-ha ha.

Oh, do it again. Yeah, yeah. Like that.

Oh, no you're joking.

What's your voice doing? Ah ha, that's exactly what he's like.

What, all signed and done?

Yes, all signed and done.

Les Fenwick is going places, million pound places

and he's taking me with him.

You are now looking at the CEO of the property maintenance company

what services all the royal houses in the UK.

Gary King,

I give you, by royal appointment.

Well done, boy, I'm proud of you.

Oh, well, here's to my Gary and my hero,

and the actual saviour of Christmas, so...

Thank you, darling bub. Oh, well done you, love you.

Oh, success is a lovely feeling.

Chop, chop, make haste with these candy canes.

I want Nutcracker soldiers standing a-large at every door

when this is done.

What are these? What are these?

Blue lights? No...

No to blue lights, they are very threatening to the eyeball.

You take these back to the store whence they came.

This must be classy.

Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Thank you, John.

Boys getting the van ready, wine's a-mulling, got a lovely bit of meat.

This is a beautiful thing you are doing, pal.

What was I supposed to do, John? Let Christmas die?

You're like a latter day saint, mate.

Oi, what's going on with this?

It's Christmas. Leave it, John, I've got this.

I'm funding the Crescent Christmas lights,

powering the whole bonanza from my own home.

It shall be a winter illumination of epic...

John, just leave that, mate. Just leave that.

Go and tend to your meat please.

Got loads going on, mate.

Cinema showing Home Alone, Wonderful Life, all the classics,

in Mrs Watson's garden... Yeah, sounds incredible, look...

Listen, mate, I'm busy as, is there something you want?

Yeah, there is actually, Gary.

Is there a particular reason why a meat van with an annoyingly

loud generator are parked outside my home?

Isn't the reason clear?

John the Butcher is putting on a hog roast

and mulled wine for the spectators tomorrow.

Yeah, very nice,

but that's not the reason why it's outside my house, is it?

Is there something you actually want, Stuart,

cos you're starting to do my head in, mate, with your whingeing

and your moaning?

I am doing this for the good of the Crescent, for the people of the...

I'm doing this for the people, mate. Are you?

Are you doing it for the people, Gary, or are you doing it for you

and your fragile ego? How dare you!

How very dare you say such a mean-spirited thing!

I am paying for all of this out of the kindness of my own pocket,

and, I mean, you can't even be bothered to put up lights!

You're an Ebenezer, mate! I've put lights up.

Hah! Hah! He's put up lights.

What, that paltry display over there? Doesn't even cover your bay.

That's all I can currently justify

spending on it, Gary, if that's all right with you, sorry.

Do you know what?

I tell you what, I will just speak to John myself about moving the van.

I and only I should speak to John, and I will tell him

to move the van a nadgers, and by nadgers, mate, I mean that much.

That much is a nadgers, boy.

Yeah, very, very informative, thank you so much, Gary.

You always think you've got one above me, don't you?

Do you mean one over you, Gary?

That's it.

You've done it now, you are banned from the Christmas lights.

Stuart Williams is banned from the Christmas lights.

Oh, my God, what will I... Oh, that's right, I couldn't care less.

And by banned, I mean completely banned,

I don't want you sneaky peeking out of your windows.

I'm not going to be peeking, Gary, at your pathetic little sideshow.

Oh, Mr Gary Christmas trying to be

the Santa of Butterchurn Crescent or whatever the hell you're doing.

It's pathetic and you're a joke.

You are, mate. You are. You are, mate. No, you're a joke.

You are. You are a massive joke.

Move the van! Who's the joke, mate? You... You are, mate. You're a joke.

No, you're a joke. Never moving it.

Rhetorical question, who's a joke? You are. Staying where it is.

I'm freezing, will you stick the heating up a bit?

Heating's right up.

I'm sorry.

I can't stand that David Attenborough, so boring.

Oh, no, that's enough.

Not David Attenborough.

The man is a saint.

You leave him alone.

I can't do this any more.

Every year you come here,

you treat this place like a halfway house, beds not made,

en-suite's a disgrace, flock of sparrows down the back of the pan,

and don't even get me started

with whatever it is you leave in the sink.

You're like locusts, you decimate the celebrations, you've even

had my Waitrose marmalade gammon, that was in the garage.

Out of bounds.

You've even found my secret stash of Jelly Babies.

Talk about cheapskates.

The only time Martin puts his hands in his pockets

is to scratch his undercrackers.

Why haven't you said nothing? We had no idea.

We come here every year because we love it.

You're like family to us, make us feel so special.

It's the highlight of our year.

We are so sorry, ain't we, Martin?

Oh, no, no, no, Martin, don't go to bed, mate.

You stay up as long as you want, mate.

No, I was just getting another beer.

Yeah, grab me one, will you, babe? Yeah.

And some of them nice crisps.

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need

I don't care about...

Baby.

Oh.

Christmas PJs.

You look lully, babe, like, proper rumble in the jungle, you know?

I feel sexy, Christmas sexy.

Yeah, you look it.

Right, tree's ready for the old squint test.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

On closer reflection, you've mixed your hwarm whites

with your hwhite whites. Hwarm-whites?

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, they're supposed to be hwhite, Gal,

like hwhite hwhites.

Doll face, look, you've got hwarm-whites and fwhite whites

mixed together and it don't go, babe. Ah.

It's my sweet, Gal, I've not been able to concentrate on my tree

and with Teddy and... Babe, come here.

What's happening?

Dunno, I just miss my little Santa's helper, don't I?

He's going to be fine.

When he sees the Crescent, it is like Lapland out there

and he is going to be all about the Christmas vibes.

I hope so, I hope so.

So how goes the festivity of extravaganza then?

Absolutely amazing, save one thing.

Stuart Williams being an absolute Ebenezer.

The man's not even put his hand in his pockets for Christmas lights.

Hmm, maybe he's in a bit of bother, babe, if he can't afford lights.

I mean, I ain't being funny but you can tell

he is proper struggsville just by the clothes what he wears.

Everything is high street, no branded clobber whatsoever.

All right, all right,

let's look at the evidence what we have gathered here.

So you said, right, he's been slumming it

with little packed lunches,

you know, that he's not buying any presents this year,

that he's been poncing lifts left right and centre. Yeah.

And the other day, right, when you took him to the station,

he didn't even get on the train with you,

see that, Gary, that is strange.

It's like, yeah, he ain't even going into town.

Yeah.

Like, he's pretending to go to work,

when in actual fact, he's just wandering the streets of London

on his tod just like that dog in The Littlest Hobo.

Sorry, but I am good.

Poor Stuart Williams.

It's like he's got a dose of the Bob Cratchits.

Maybe you should do something, babe, you know, a little kind gesture.

Like what? It's that time of year, isn't it?

It's like me for example, I does my soup kitchen every year, don't I?

Maybe Stuart is your soup kitchen.

Sorry, mate, we need to talk.

What? We're actually in the middle of something.

Hello, everyone. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here? What is this?

Opening presents early? What's happening, mate?

It's actually none of your business Gary, what are you doing here?

I wanted to say I'm sorry for the situation

and the predicament in which you have found yourself at this

time of year and I wanted to say it's OK to ask for help.

Help? Ask anyone, mate, but ask for help, seriously.

Gary, where are you going with this?

This is an intervention, an intervention,

bag of sand there, mate, from the bottom of my heart.

You pay this back when you're back on your feet, all right?

Take it. I don't need any money, Gary...

I'm good for it, mate, I'm absolutely cake-o, so...

I don't need any money.

In front of your family. I don't need any money.

I don't need any money, Gary. You do, mate. No, I don't.

Get it away, get it, get it away. You're poor mate, so you need money.

You are a liar. I don't want your money.

Gary! Gary, no. Stu, don't be proud.

I don't, what are you doing? I don't want your money, Gary.

Watch the tree! Ah!

Get off me. Get off me.

Ah!

Oh. Get off me. Ah! Get off me.

Get. Ah, ah!

Skint?

You thought I was having a breakdown because I was skint?

Oh, admit it, mate you're on your arse,

pretending to go into work, poncing lifts off everyone

on the Crescent, scrimping on your Christmas lights.

I'm getting a divorce, Gary.

OK? Yeah, a divorce.

And you've just rudely interrupted the last time

I'm going to see my kids before Christmas, so thank you.

What was it, like another fella or something?

No, it was not another fella, why would you say that?

Why didn't you just say something? Just tell me about it?

Because you're not my friend, Gary.

You want to come and stay at ours over the festive period?

Just make you up a little bed by the Christmas tree or something?

I'll be fine.

All right, Gal, all right? Yes, hello.

All ready in there.

Oh, the meat's just slipping off the bone, mate.

Good, very good, great stuff.

This is the guy to talk to about divorces,

he knows all about, he's been divorced for ages ain't you, mate?

Tell Stuart it ain't that bad, is it? It's not bad.

Tell him.

You're kidding, ain't you? It's crippled me, Gal.

Don't see my boys, all my mates took her side,

I'm too old to get another decent woman.

John...

I cry myself to sleep every night Stuart, sleeping in the meat wagon.

But Christmas, and Christmas is the worst, mate, it sucks.

OK, well, thank you so much for the chat, Gary.

Really, really helpful.

Oh and don't think that I haven't noticed that you've

moved the van closed to my house, a nadgers.

Actually, show some respect, mate, and get that backed up.

Absolute prat, mate.

Oh.

Someone's finally up.

Yeah, Teds, what has gone on here? Eh?

It's like someone's been getting proper Joe Mangelled

while we've been asleep, eh?

Question is though, I mean, where is he?

Eh? Eh, where is he?

Is he, he's, oh, mate, he's on the table?

There he is.

Oh, look at the state, honestly,

he's chundered all down himself, look.

Oh, pooey, it stinks, Teds.

Look the other way, it stinks.

Who's going to clean that up, eh?

It'll be me. Be the hoover and the...

Oh, don't look now,

he's got a pen in his hand.

In his, because, in the sharpie, the pen on his, oh, eh?

Teds?

Teds? It's...

What's going on?

I'm just...

I'm just not feeling it this year, Mum.

I really don't want to sing at the concert, just, please,

just don't make me.

Oh, what the fudgers, Teds?

Oi...

Oi, you've got a beautiful voice and it brings so much joy to everyone.

It's just...

..all the other kids at school take the mick because,

well, they know I still sing in the choir.

Right come here, oi, look at me, oi.

You let your mum tell you a little something, right?

You don't ever, ever worry what anyone thinks of you, all right?

Do you know I've been judged my entire life.

Now you dare to be you, all right?

And alas there was naysayers,

people what didn't want tonight to happen,

but we fought against their evil spirits

and I digged deep into my own pockets, and, yes,

I individually wired thousand upon thousand of LED lights,

powered by metres and metres of cables and multiple generators

all from my own home, to bring you this.

Butterchurn Crescent's greatest ever light display.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, Mr Des Curly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

For I am your Christmas saviour.

Let there be light.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Everywhere you go

Take a look in the five and ten, it's glistening once again

With candy canes, and silver lanes aglow

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Toys in every store

But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be...

MOBILE RINGS

On your own front door...

Gary, listen, kid, it's bad news, just wanted to let you know that

we've decided to go with someone else for the royal house job.

Another firm just went that little bit further.

I don't know what happened, Gary, it was your job on a plate,

you talked your way out of it.

Merry Christmas, kid.

MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED

Gary, well done, boy.

Getting Des Curly, that's no small feat.

You all right? What's the matter?

I'm all right.

Fenwick just called.

Pulled the, the royal house job.

Yeah, good one, I ain't falling for that again.

No, seriously, he has.

Listen, you have to get up very early in the morning

to catch me out twice, boy.

Oh, no.

You haven't, have ya? How?

You said it was a done deal.

As far as I was concerned, it was.

Yeah, but you bunged him through, right?

Bunged him? I bought him a smashing lunch.

Lunch?! That Fenwick is crooked as a witch's nose.

A man like that needs weighing in.

Well, he said he was a big fan of our work, I mean, we shook hands.

There's no magic in handshakes, boy, the pen must caress the paper.

Right, you can turn this lot off.

Nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, it's Christmas, I can't.

Oh, yes, you can.

Each house is costing us £100 a minute, turn it off.

Now!

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm...

Yeah, all right, turn it in, Des, mate. That's enough now, mate.

Off you, off you trot.

Safe home. Merry Christmas. See ya, Des.

Bless him.

Feel like I've let everybody down.

I just wanted Christmas to be perfect for everyone

after the cruddy year that the whole entire world has had.

All right, babes, it's not all about you,

because there's a little boy who needs his dad right now.

I thought he wasn't singing because he hated Christmas.

Well, think he might change his mind if he sees you out there.

What's that thing you always say, eh?

There ain't nothing a Stella and a good carol concert

can't make better. I do say that.

You do.

Love you.

I love you too, darling.

We're walking in the air

We're floating in the moonlit sky

The people far below are sleeping as we fly

Far across the world

The villages go by like dreams

The rivers and the hills, the forests and the streams

Children gaze open mouthed

Taken by surprise

Nobody down below

Believes their eyes

We're surfing in the air

We're swimming in the frozen sky

We're drifting over icy mountains floating by.

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