Original subtitles

(WHISPERS) Be the arrow. Be the arrow.

- Be the arrow. Be the arrow. - (DOOR OPENS)

Chloe!

(CHATTER)

- (GASPS) - Oh!

Sorry.

Future gold-medallist over here.

- Careful! - Possibly bronze.

Sophie! You made me miss my shot!

Listen, you need to do something about Hannibal. He reeks.

You reek like a butthole!

- Chloe! - I'm serious.

It's worse than normal.

Nice shot, sweetie.

(ALL GROAN)

See what I mean?

Yeah, it's gone up a notch.

Don't worry, I'll give him a bubble bath as soon as he wakes up.

He's been having a very long nap.

Um, Chloe, how long has Hannibal been taking

this particular long nap for?

- Three days? - Three days?!

Hannibal!

Wake up, sleepyhead!

Go on.

Will he wake up?

- Go, Greg. - No.

- You do it. - No.

- Get over there. - Oh. (SIGHS)

Chloe, sweetheart...

Hannibal is dead.

Tired.

He's dead tired. He's one tired turtle.

- No. Chloe. - Oh.

Hannibal is dead.

Now, sweetheart, everyone dies.

- That's... - Who wants ice-cream?

Don't let it melt, Chlo.

Or, maybe you just need a quiet moment to think about things?

It's just...

I'm never going to see Hannibal ever again.

Of course you'll see Hannibal again.

In heaven.

- BOTH: Heaven? - Yes.

Heaven is this awesome place we all go when we die,

and the best part is you get to see

all your favourite people from Earth,

and they have unlimited ice-cream.

But Hannibal isn't people. So, where does he go?

- Well... - Turtle heaven.

Made only for turtles.

And it's turtley awesome.

But if it's made only for turtles, then how can I go there and see him?

You can get a visa, um, like a day pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, a day pass.

Greg, just...

Like the time we went to Movie World for Sophie's birthday?

Exactly! Exactly right.

But the thing about turtle heaven, it's way better,

and that's where Hannibal is right now, sweetie.

And he's probably having a great big swim,

and humping one of Mum's Mother's Day slippers.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, that was funny when he did that.

It was, wasn't it?

Hey, let's watch the video again.

No. It's funny.

Hey, sweetheart, instead of focusing on Hannibal in turtle heaven,

why don't we try focusing on saying goodbye

to Hannibal here on planet Earth?

We could have a funeral service this afternoon...

- Do you know what that is? - Uh-uh.

Well.

It's like a... a big party,

where everybody who loved Hannibal comes together to say goodbye.

But not goodbye for long.

Check this video out. Look at him go.

- Whoa. - (TURTLE SQUEAKS)

You should never wear that slipper again.

So, Hannibal is in the freezer,

where he should remain nice and fresh for his burial.

Great!

Oh, maybe you could take it one step further

and have him cryogenically frozen

so you will never have to say that he died.

Oh. Em.

Hey, we all miss Hannibal, yeah?

The way he used to move slowly around the house,

unless he was humping your slipper, of course,

then he really... he really found a second gear, didn't he?

Oh, Greg, this is not about Hannibal being gone.

This is about whatever that display was from you to Chloe.

Um, Em, this is obviously a stage of grief you are going through,

and that's... that is OK.

This stage of grief appears to be where you are weirdly unimpressed

with your husband's efforts to stop our daughter from crying.

But there's nothing wrong with crying in a situation like this.

Did you never have a pet die?

No.

All of my pets ran away to the farm in the middle of the night.

I got lucky.

Oh, my gosh, you have never been able to deal with

death and we have never been able to talk about it.

I'm sorry I like to focus more on life, Em.

I didn't realise you were so fascinated with death,

I'm starting to think 'Em' may be short for 'Emo'.

Emo-Em.

(SCOFFS)

You know, if I died tomorrow...

That's literally never going to happen.

No, but hypothetically, if I got hit by a bus and I died...

I've seen you cross the road and you're very good at it.

IF I died, what kind of funeral would I want?

- A nice one. - Yeah.

Let me know when you figure it out.

And that's if you can bring yourself to go there.

Just don't die tomorrow!

It's a win-win!

Hey, Chlo.

You know, I'm sorry that I said that Hannibal stunk.

It's OK. I guess turtles stink when they die.

I think we all do.

Hey, Soph, do you believe in heaven?

Um, you know, I'm not really sure.

'Cause, if there is a heaven, then there's probably hell,

and hell sounds pretty yuck.

What's hell?

It's a place we go after you die if you're a bad person.

Like a murderer?

Yeah, or that girl on the bus who puts her feet on the seats.

You know, either way, they're probably not real, Chloe.

Can't anyone tell me where Hannibal's really gone?

(SIGHS) Your wedding dress.

I'm sorry?

You want to be buried in your wedding dress.

You want everyone be wearing a splash of red

and you want Billy Joel's The Piano Man playing at the church service.

Wow.

That's... not even close!

Wrong Billy Joel song? Um...

We Didn't Start The Fire.

That's closer.

Not Uptown Girl? I mean, that's more Christie Brinkley,

so, it would be a bit weird.

Oh, Greg, I want to be cremated.

(LAUGHS) Cremated?! What do you mean, cremated?

Well, I mean, I don't care who starts the fire,

so long as they do, and I'm in it.

But, Em, we are going to be buried together.

That's always been the plan.

What plan?

Why would you even think that?

Because who would want to go up in flames like that?

What a horrible experience.

Oh, yeah, like I would rather be stuck in a box

with little worms eating at my flesh.

That... that sounds really lovely.

OK, Em, you can't be the only Butler not buried in the family plot.

- It'd be weird. - Come on, Greg.

It's just, it's not a big deal to me, OK?

Em, I can't believe you're saying this.

We're Catholics, for God sake.

Are we? (LAUGHS)

That's funny! Ha-ha-ha.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

I came as soon I could.

Oh, I had to leave a Zoom call with Peter Fitzsimmons, he's in a tiz.

Running out of Australian history to write about.

Have you ever seen a six foot eight man in a red bandanna weeping?

It is unbecoming!

Audrey, can you tell me where Hannibal's gone?

That depends.

Where do you keep your glasses?

I'm so sorry, Chloe.

I didn't really get to know Hannibal,

on account of him being a turtle and me being a grown woman,

but I can see the fondness you had for him.

And the worst part is, nobody can tell me what happens to Hannibal now.

Is he in turtle heaven or turtle hell?

Or turtle purgatory.

When it comes to the afterlife, it's hard to know.

But different religions have different ideas.

- So, not everyone believes in heaven? - Oh, no.

The Hindus and Buddhists believe in reincarnation.

That's where you come back after you die.

So, I could see Hannibal again?

Yes, but he wouldn't be Hannibal as you know him,

he could be a plant or a bear or Rutger Hauer.

Or a shark?

Why not?

Then there's Judaism, which believes the Messiah

will arrive and we'll rise again at once.

- Like a big party? - With an open bar, I hope.

Further back, you have the Ancient Egyptians, who were all about

ripping out your heart and weighing it

while a dog-headed God judges you.

Or was that last New Year's Eve on Zoe Foster Blake's yacht?

Ha!

Greg, I'm sorry I laughed, but, we're not proper Catholics.

I don't know why this is a surprise, Em, we got married in the church,

our kids are baptised.

See, I thought that those things were about

keeping our families happy and getting the kids into good schools.

- (SIGHS) - Oh, Greg, come on.

We are not practising Catholics.

- We blaspheme all the time. - Yeah!

And when we do, I feel guilty - like a good Catholic!

Then why do we only go to church once a year at Christmas?

We didn't even go last year.

That's because there were roadworks

and it probably would have been impossible to get a car park.

Mm.

AUDREY: The truth is, Chloe,

nobody really knows what happens in the afterlife.

And while I'm always hesitant to praise your mother,

she's right about one thing:

the funeral ritual is of the utmost importance.

Why?

It's your last chance to dazzle everyone on Earth.

I've left instructions for my own death.

A horse-drawn carriage through the city with cherubs leading the way.

The 'cherubs' are a male underwear models who've had wings attached.

Yes! It's going to be quite special.

I want Hannibal's service to be very special.

How much do you know about Vikings?

Alright, alright. We may not be MVP Catholics, Em,

but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

It's how Brad and I were raised.

I guess Brad will be buried with us too, then?

But, will he be on top of you or on top of me?

I guess we'll all fit if we spoon,

- and then we can throw in Terry and Marlo... - It's not an orgy, Em.

I mean, these traditions exist within families for a reason.

Without them, people can get lost

and then it's a slippery slope into who knows what.

Mum, Dad!

We're going to celebrate death by setting Hannibal on fire

and sending him out with a bang!

Oh, how I love a good bang!

- Oh. - Bang! Boom!

Since when did medieval re-enactments become a stage of grief?

Greg, if you're constantly going to be referring to the stages of grief,

maybe you should learn what they are first.

And, look, just take a look.

Everybody is working together.

You know, I'm ordering some pizzas for lunch.

Audrey's drinking Scotch.

Mud on your eye.

Just don't you think it's weird that we're about to send Chloe's

dead pet turtle down a river in a fiery raft

made of Barney Banana sticks?

ALL: No.

I mean, we don't even know if Chloe can make the shot.

I can make the shot.

You know, I actually think it's pretty cool.

If they did still did it for humans, that might be something I'd like.

I'm having a Viking funeral.

Nobody here is having a funeral any time soon.

Or ever, if I have anything to do with it.

Gee, Greg.

You really know how to put the 'fun' into funeral.

Why is she here?

- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Pizzas.

I'll get that.

- Who else did you invite, Chlo? - No-one.

Oh, Father Michael. Thank God you're here.

We're having a little crisis-of-faith situation.

Oh, it's been so long.

I haven't seen you since Christmas!

The Christmas before!

Sometimes I sit down the back, to be closer to the toilets.

Oh, of course!

Hello, Emily.

Oh, F-Father...

Michael.

Father Michael, the priest...

From our church.

What are you doing... ?

Thank you both for inviting me for lunch.

I was just reminiscing how, when I was growing up,

how comforting it was when Father Julian would come over

to the house for a Sunday lunch.

Which you've never mentioned to me, once.

Yeah, well, you know, 30 years ago, the very thought of a house visit

for a deceased turtle would appear ludicrous!

Ah, but, times change.

Here we are.

- Come on in, come on in, Father. - Come in.

Sorry, where are our manners?

Oh, that is a nice red!

Perhaps, Father Michael, you would like to say grace?

Offer a few words to help our family heal

and perhaps guide us through this difficult time?

No. I would not... like to say grace.

I would prefer to rap it!

Hahahaha.

Voom-vita-voom, vita-voom-voom-voom.

I have no idea what's going on.

I am Father Michael, and I'm here to say,

blessed are the pizzas that we're eating today,

made with love by Greg and Em,

and to them we say boom, boom, amen.

Do we have an amen?

ALL: Amen.

And they say male white priests can't rap, eh?

Certainly can't remember Father Julian doing that.

Well, you know, you have to keep up with the times.

Did you know Hillsong released three TikTak videos this week?

- Oh! - How wonderful is that?

So, you're keeping up with modern trends,

but keeping the Catholic tradition alive?

Hey, Father, why doesn't the church allow female priests?

Soph, we don't talk about religion at the table.

Dad, he's literally a priest.

That's a good point. I have a question.

As Catholics, should we, A: be buried?

Or B: buried together?

Well, I don't know.

Each to their own, I suppose.

"Each to their own"?

Well, the Bible doesn't demand that.

And quite frankly, our graveyard is almost full.

And you know what they say.

They're absolutely killing to get into it.

Oh, no, no, no... That's, they're dying to get in.

F... Father Michael, are you sure?

Oh, yes, it is dying to get in. Yeah.

- Father Michael... - I think that Father Michael

- has answered your question. - Yeah, just to clarify...

Father Michael, did you know we're going to say goodbye to Hannibal

by shooting a flaming arrow into a boat made of icy pole sticks?

Here is a question. What is the Catholic Church's stance

- on Viking funerals? - Dad!

May Hannibal's passage to Valhalla be a smooth one.

Excuse me.

You have a compelling energy about you, I'm not sure what it is.

Was it the rap?

Absolutely not. That was appalling.

How would you feel about writing a memoir?

Um...

You know, Catholic priests are very hot right now.

Very in. The Fleabag effect.

Well, yes, I'm quite familiar.

Our attendance has spiked after the second season,

but then, eh, it fell away.

You may read from the Good Book, Father,

but maybe it's time you wrote a GREAT one!

Oh.

(SIGHS) What are you doing?

I just needed some time to think.

What, about how you invited a random priest for lunch?

He's not... he's not random, Em.

He's our priest.

Not a very helpful one, though.

I mean, when the Bible does it say, "Each to their own"?

Not in Corinthians, or in... the other ones.

You know, Greg, instead of thinking of yourself

as the most religious man since You Know Who,

try thinking about how you've made

a really difficult day for Chloe all about you.

- Em... - (ZIPS UP TENT)

Em...

(SIGHS)

Oh, I've got enough stories to fill a book.

Yes, that would be the aim.

The visit to the Vatican in 1976 springs to mind.

You would never guess who I had a one-on-one conversation with.

The Pope?

No, I didn't. Oh! Imagine, eh? No.

I randomly bumped into Marcia Hines.

Mm?

We stood there like two old friends,

just chatting away for at least, what, two minutes?

Heh!

Oh, dear. Memories...

What to wear to a Viking funeral?

I didn't mean to make today all about me.

I, um... I just don't know.

I-I, finding out we're not on the same page with our family traditions

has kind of really freaked me out.

Greg, it's OK if we're not on the same page about everything.

I know. But this is an important page, Em.

I understand if you don't want to watch test cricket with me

for five days, but... I get that.

I have a theory.

Do you want to hear it?

- Four day tests? - No.

Not Marlo's one that Katy Perry is actually JonBenet Ramsey?

That... that does not add up on so many levels.

- No. - No.

No, my theory is, well, that your born-again Catholicism,

it has very little to do with religion or family tradition

or what happens to our remains...

... and more to do with loss.

I think it's a fear of being separated

from those you love the most, which is me and the girls.

A bit up yourself, aren't you?

(LAUGHS) Am I wrong?

No. No.

Being separated from you and the girls for all of eternity,

that is my idea of hell.

And I wish I could talk about this stuff the way you do.

It freaks me out too.

I just... I deal with it better by wanting to talk about it. It's...

OK. OK.

Just don't die any time soon, yeah?

Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever.

Just don't die ever.

Just don't die.

Well, I'll do my very best.

OK. Deal.

Now... how about wearing your suit to a turtle Viking funeral?

Oh, I think we can do better than that!

Well, Butlers, in keeping with Viking tradition,

we have filled Hannibal's vessel with all the things he needs

to satisfy his turtle desires in Valhalla.

So, mainly minced meatballs and one of Mum's slippers.

Shall we watch the video?

It was pretty funny, wasn't it?

Yeah, probably... probably not.

Let's do this, Chlo.

Just be really careful.

(AULD LANG SYNE PLAYS ON BAGPIPES)

Hannibal, nobody has been able to tell me exactly where you're going,

but that's OK, because you'll get to find out

what happens when we die before we do, which is pretty cool.

I'm sad you're gone, but you're not really gone,

because you'll always be in my heart.

That was perfect, Chlo.

Hey, sweetheart...

... are you, uh, are you sure you can do this?

OK.

- Careful. - I will.

Got it?

Remember, Chlo, close enough is good enough.

Just do your best.

Be the arrow. Be the arrow. Be the arrow. Be the arrow.

Be the arrow.

- Yes! Give the girl a gold now. - You got it!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

No.

(AULD LANG SYNE PLAYS MOURNFULLY)

Vale, Hannibal.

ALL: Vale, Hannibal.

Did I ever tell about the famous squash ball in the glove story?

Yep. A couple of times.

Online etiquette for men is the topic du jour today, Greggles.

And I believe you've had quite the run-in?

Well, I wouldn't quite call it a run-in, Tez.

Well, these are not all of mine.

They literally have your name on them.

How did they get in? This is supposed to be a private portal.

We've been hacked, Greg.

- Say "breathe." - (SHUTTER CLICKS)