Original subtitles

- Lightning round, bro. - Hit me!

What's the capital of Norway?

- Ooh. - Oh!

God, what a day!

Gilly made me watch the whole day three of some Test match in 2002.

That would have been Johannesburg. He made a double century.

But the good news is I went past the bottle shop on the way home

and stocked up for tonight.

The boot is swimming in chardy.

- Ah. - Norway, it's a Scandinavian country.

Em, the trivia night tonight's a dry night.

- Remember? - Dry?

- No alcohol. - Starts and ends in the letter O.

- For which bit? - (LAUGHS)

All of it.

Quick as you can.

Oh, Emily, how will you survive?

Sophie, please.

A glass of wine can be very relaxing after a long, LONG, week,

but I don't need it.

No.

Ehhh! Time's up! It was Oslo!

Since when is the trivia night dry?

Yeah, I remember last year, it got pretty hectic.

One of the Grade 3 dads drew a dick and balls on the honour board.

Yeah, I saw it. He even did the pubes.

The detail was impressive.

Well, the dry rule is President Luna's idea,

but Greg's decided to take her side for once, bless.

I am not on Luna's side, that's the whole point.

I want to stay sober so I have my wits about me,

so I can wallop her at trivia.

An archnemesis.

God, I'd kill for one of them. Good on you, Greg.

I'm just sick of Luna one-upping me,

making snarky little remarks in front of the other parents

and making me sound dumb.

Well, tonight, we're going to show her who's dumb.

Yeah?

Not us.

OK. I've put together a crack squad.

Em, your speciality subject: literature.

- Whoo! - Marlo: pop culture.

- Yes! - Terry: plants and animals.

Come on!

Oh, and I can do Eastern philosophy and geography.

Oh, and disgraced former child stars.

And I, of course, am your team captain and go-to guy for sports.

- Boom! - And what's my speciality, bro?

S... shirts?

Shirts?

You're the all-rounder.

Nice! I'm the seasoning on the cake!

That's the spirit! Let's do this!

Alright!

Hello... Luna.

Well. If it isn't team Shit Husband.

Well, if it isn't Team...

- Tell her. - ... Shit...

Come on.

... at Trivia.

Don't wear yourself out, Greg. You'll need that brainpower later.

Mobile phones need to be switched off and put in the basket.

One of my team-mates can show you to your table.

Yeah. Follow me.

They've got Tamsyn Lewis.

She's an actual freaking gold-medallist.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

Ta.

Ask Jeeves?

What is Ask Jeeves?

It's our team name,

because we are the Butlers and we know all the answers.

I thought we were Team Shit Husband.

No, we're not shit, Brad.

That's just Luna trying to get into our heads.

- How do you spell "Jeeves"? - With a J.

Welcome, everybody, to this year's Parents and Friends Trivia Night.

A reminder that tonight is a dry night,

out of respect for our wonderful school and its furnishings.

Tonight is all about raising money for our kids,

and sending a message that you don't need to have a drink to have fun.

Am I right?

- Yeah, nice. - (APPLAUSE)

Without further ado, our host for the evening,

local Councillor for Pascoe Shire, the honourable Paul Perera.

Hello, and welcome!

The honour is all mine.

The last time I stood up in a room full of this many people,

I was found guilty!

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

That's just an icebreaker joke.

I'm not a convicted felon.

And I speak regularly to large groups.

- Greg. - Shh.

You shush.

Do you have the car keys? I think you left the lights on.

Before we kick off the trivia, I would like to say a few words...

- Come on. - Sorry.

They're hard to get them out when I'm sitting down.

Our graffiti removal team has been making us so proud.

They've been working so tirelessly

and we really appreciate their efforts.

The school mural was a mistake, but we're fixing that.

God bless Friday nights!

It says if you ride a horse on the road,

it's legally considered a vehicle.

But a horse doesn't have a speedometer or lights.

Maybe you attach them?

So, um, what do you guys want to do tonight?

Do you guys want to learn lines for our audition on the weekend?

We've done that every lunchtime this week.

Let's make TikToks with Hannibal.

Yes!

My video of Hannibal eating a mosquito

got featured on the daily turtle page.

Uh, Chloe and Hannibal are at a sleepover.

We could watch Twilight ironically.

- I think we should get drunk. - Yeah!

Wait. These beers are warm.

Oh, yeah, I found them in my dad's golf bag.

Beer is low-key disgusting.

I tried it once at my cousin's wedding,

and went straight back to vodka.

This smells like a farm animal's urine.

- What have you got at your house? - Nothing. My mum's doing a juice cleanse.

Wait. Can't you order it?

But we're not 18.

- (WHISPERS) Em! - Alright! Answer sheets at the ready.

Here comes the first lot of questions.

You nearly missed the start!

Question one!

Pho is a popular dish from which country?

It's also a popular dish in my belly!

- Vietnam! - Em!

Everybody knows that!

Well, they do now that you've yelled it out!

Question two!

Which famous Australians are featured on the $20 note?

- Crocodile Dundee! - He's not even real!

- What, Hoges, then. - And no, it's not me!

- Who's got a $20? - No, no, no.

We are not cheating.

Whose special subject is currency?

Ooh! Burke and Wills!

No, it could be Cathy Freeman. No, no, definitely Burke and Wills.

- I mean, it could be. - Why aren't you writing it down?

I'll write it in the margin.

- Why the margin? Just put it... - I'll transfer it across later.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Two Margarita pizzas and a four-pack of watermelon coolers.

Thank God you're here. I have had such a day.

You know, work, clients, my boss, deadlines, meetings, presentations.

I... The lock on my briefcase got jammed.

Can I see some identification, please?

Uh, well, I... I pressed the 'I'm over 18' button on the app,

so it should be all good.

What's taking so long with the liquor, honeybunch?

No way. I'm not falling for this again.

Hey, we paid for those drinks.

Thank you for your generous tip.

No, no, no, no! It's Glenn McGrath!

It's Ponting.

I'm on sports.

I have been watching cricket for two straight weeks.

Trust me!

If everyone just stays in their own speciality subjects,

we'll be OK.

- I'll just call Gilly. - They took our phones, Em.

- Just put it in the margin, Greg. - It's not going in the margin!

Ring-a-ding-ding! That's half-time, ladies and germs!

Sorry, I shouldn't joke about germs.

We're not completely out of the woods yet.

Do you reckon this might be the bloke on council

who changed bin night?

- Please pass your answer sheets to the front. - (GROWLS)

We're going to take a break to tally the scores and wash our hands.

So, how are the Arse Cheeks going?

Um, it's Ask Jeeves, not Arse Cheeks.

And to be honest, we are... we're pretty confident.

I don't know what we would have done without my friend,

Olympic athlete Tamsyn Lewis.

As long as we're all having fun.

And not drinking.

Which is something I support.

Look alive. I'm going to get him to fix bin night.

Yes, Tezzie!

You know, this trivia night used to be a lot more fun

when it was a piss-up.

- Mm-hm. - Couldn't you go a drink?

You dirty dog.

Oh, it's so terrible.

I should be able to go one Friday night without a drink.

Whatever! It's the 2020s, not the 1920s.

- Where did you stash it? - It's in the car.

Have you two got alcohol?

I am so proud of you.

- Who are these two? - Heather, Braeden.

I only told my table, I swear.

Thank God for you guys. That dry thing's a bloody stitch-up.

I am so glad I'm not the only one struggling.

They charge us school fees, then they make us come to these events

so they can pump us for more money.

The least they can do is an open bar.

What is the point of sending your kids to a Catholic school

if you can't have wine?

Amen.

And also with you.

I'm so devvo we didn't get those coolers.

Well, she was going to give them to me, until Ned Flanders turned up.

We should get fake IDs.

I think those only exist in movies.

Ooh, I have an idea!

Ah, so, are we doing this, or... ?

Oh! 100 likes and Sophie and Lindsay have to drink this.

Hashtag Bin Juice Challenge. Hashtag Getting Lit.

Ah...

Mr Perera.

I am a constituent of yours.

Ahh...

And I have a bone to pick with you about bin night.

You see, on my side of the street,

it's been Tuesday for as long as anyone can remember,

and now, out of nowhere, it's Thursday.

Wow.

I love hearing feedback from my electorate.

The problem is I'm expecting a call.

No...

- Brrr! Brrr! There it is now. - That's an old-school tone.

- Mr Mayor. - It's the mayor?

Yep, this is a secure line. Go ahead.

- Hmm. - Yep.

I'll just wait here.

"Pho is a popular dish from Vietnam."

Hmm?

(PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRS)

Team Shit Husband is back in the game.

Here we go.

Alright! At half-time, the leaderboard looks like this.

Well, this will get your blood pumping.

On 22 points, in equal third place, is... Heh...

The Young Farts and Ask Jeeves!

- (APPLAUSE) - More like the Dumb Waiters!

Ooh! Looks like Tamsyn Lewis has brought her spikes.

Ha-ha! I love it!

In second place, on 24 points,

Trivia Newton John!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

But out in front...

... the Luna Eclipse with 29 points!

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - (LAUGHTER)

A bit of sportsmanship wouldn't go astray.

Luna Eclipse. How arrogant.

I know. I could have got us Right Said Greg.

- That's a great name. - I know, but I didn't.

- Because we are a team. - Yeah.

Our next round is Round Four: Arts and Literature. Here we go.

This is Em's speciality subject.

Where is she? Is she and Marlo still on the toilets?

It looks like it's you and me, bro.

- Oh, great. - The dream team.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

I'm back, Greggy.

Can we all just focus, please?

- We're still in this. - Question 31.

In what year did Virginia Woolf publish her modernist classic

To The Lighthouse?

2003.

- 1927. - That's a band, Terry.

Yeah, but before that, it was a year.

You see, I read it on The Big Walk.

- Did ya? - Yeah.

- Picked it up in a bookshop. - Where?

Buhnella.

Run by a... woman...

- What woman? - ... with a peg leg.

1927 it is.

Nice work, Tez.

Come on.

Have some respect for yourselves, come on.

You were just here.

Go to the... Go to the back of the line, go on.

If you wanted more, you should have brought your own. Huh?

For a bottle?

Thank you.

- Pleasure doing business with you. - Ta.

Question 54!

John Dunlop.

Who first recorded the first discovery of gold in Ballarat?

Oh! Burke and Wills!

No, you've already said Burke and Wills.

It's not going to have Burke and Wills twice in the same quiz.

That's what they want you to think, Greg.

John Dunlop.

Read about it in Shepparton

at the local library, run by a Slovenian man.

- Yeah, what was his name? - Yeah, Josep Borevsky.

John Dunlop it is.

Albert Einstein in the house.

You know, see, I do want to be supportive.

Luna does so much for the community.

- Oh, she is so dedicated. - Yes.

And... and dedicated to the kids.

I think that she's the fun police.

- Yes, no, she is the fun police. - Yes, thank God you said that!

All the work Luna does for the school

has given my missus the massive guilts.

Now Cindy's doing double tuckshop duty,

and she says she's too tired for couples yoga!

- Well, my husband... - Shit husband?

- Greg. - Yeah.

He's on the committee with Luna.

I bet he fought pretty hard to get this dry rule knocked back.

Oh, he... he tried. He tried hard.

Who wants some tunes?

(ALL CHEER)

WOMAN: Crank it up!

What does the computer abbreviation 'ja-peg'...

- MAN: It's JPEG. - JPEG?

... JPEG stand for?

Justice Project Excellent Games.

Joint Photographics Expert Group.

Lock it in, Eddie.

(CAMERA SNAPS)

RAVI: I'm a cool guy, huh?

Ah-ha-ha!

Yeah, OK. I think I got a few.

Wait, Lindsay's can is open and mine is closed.

Now it just looks stupid.

OK. I'll take a few more. Just hurry up.

(EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS)

Oh, my God! Ravi!

We don't have anything left to drink now.

Oh, well, we still have the bin juice. 24 likes and counting.

Honestly, I wasn't even that keen.

I got so hungover after my...

Yeah, your cousin's wedding. I know.

Where you had heaps of fun and got drunk. Sounds amazing.

What's her problem?

PERERA: Over six bitterly fought rounds of trivia...

... here are the final results! (IMITATES DRUMROLL)

Come on, dream team.

Should I wait until there's a few more people here?

- Boogie! - (ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC)

Yeah!

OK, whoever gets up to the top first!

Donna and Gary, that's my car.

MAN: Trivia night! Trivia night!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

Darren, get down!

Oh, my God!

Greg!

You've come over to the Dark Side. Come on.

Let's get you a cup.

So, you've been out here the whole night? Getting pissed?

Don't worry, because Luna cannot punish us all

and everyone here has got your back.

Em, I needed your help with the trivia.

You know how much I wanted to win.

(CLEARS THROAT) And how are you going?

- Well, it doesn't matter because everyone is out here. - (ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES)

WOMAN: Quick, turn it down.

This is Luna, your Parents and Friends President.

Can all trivia participants, please gather in the hall

- for the final scores. - Oh!

Just a reminder, tonight is a dry event.

We're here for the kids, not a piss-up.

Oh, mama.

Exactly.

Right, I'm going to get everybody back inside.

No, no. It doesn't matter. I-i-i-it's all over.

So stay out here and have your party!

(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

(SIGHS)

Hi, Soph.

Hey.

I'm... sorry about what we did.

Actually, I'm not too sure what that was, but I'm sorry you're mad.

Look, I'd never tried alcohol before tonight

and I wanted it to be fun and special but... it turned out so lame.

- You know my cousin's wedding? - Yes.

That was actually pretty lame.

But I thought you drank cocktails and partied till, like, 3am?

I had half a champagne that Mum watched me drink.

I mean, I definitely felt something, but...

Maybe we can try again next weekend?

We could steal some booze from work.

I mean, maybe we could just watch Twilight.

- Would we watch it ironically, or... ? - Yeah.

RAVI: Whoo!

- (SMASH) - Ow!

I should probably take him home. He drank the bin juice.

- Who wants a tea party?! - Yeah!

Who wants a cup of tea?

Who wants a Bushells?

(IMITATES DRUMROLL)

(APPLAUSE)

Alright! That's more like it!

And would you believe it, in first place, we have...

... a tie!

Between The Luna Eclipse and Ask Jeeves!

That is my husband!

Mwah.

According to Oxford University trivia bylaws,

this means a sudden-death tie breaker.

ALL: Ooh.

Team captains, to the stage, please.

OK.

- I love you, bro. - OK, OK.

MAN: I'm gonna spew!

You're on your own now, captain.

I think some of your luck may have rubbed off on me, Tez.

No, I mean really. I can't help you now.

I don't have the answers to the tie breaker.

- You've had the answers? - Yeah.

Tez...

... I wanted to beat her fairly.

ALL: (CHANT) Butler! Butler!

Butler! Butler! Butler! Butler!

Butler! Butler! Butler!

I must admit, I'm surprised you're here, Greg.

I guess you can't judge a book by its cover.

Ssh! Ssh!

OK.

Go, babe, you bring it home.

For the win this evening,

- hands on your buzzers. - OK.

Or just... whoever says it first.

Which Australian cricketer

was the only wicketkeeper

to score a double century?

You're joking.

What are the chances? He's going to nail this!

- He's going to beat Luna! - Warney?

Boonie?

What's going on?

- Lillee? - They're not even wicket-keepers.

Greg?

He's got stage fright.

MAN: Come on!

- Gilly! - Gilly?

Correct!

Yes.

Tamsyn Lewis cheated!

Oh, like I'm the only athlete that's ever cheated.

Ooh!

Well played, Luna. Too good.

The best team won on the night.

What can I say? You booze, you lose.

MAN: Oh!

Suck on it, losers.

I'll get you, Tamsyn Lewis!

WOMAN: She's not worth it, babe!

But she cheated.

Go on Maxie, go on. Bed time.

EM: Wait, did you truly really believe that Terry could name

the artistic director of the Australian Chamber Orchestra?

Well, at that stage of the night, I was pretty desperate for points.

Greg, I'm really so sorry

that I wasn't there to help you.

That's OK. Luna won fair and square, she's smarter than me.

I just hope the school doesn't get sued by Darren Konitsis

who fell off the adventure playground.

I know, right?

But, the upside to our bad behaviour was

I found out that there are other parents who have gripes with Luna.

- It's not just you. - Really?

Other parents were actually saying this?

There is a silent majority out there

who would prefer to see someone like you in charge.

OK.

Well, maybe we should have a nightcap to celebrate?

Oh, no, I don't think I should have any more.

Fair enough. But I need a drink.

OK. Well, you can't drink alone, Greg.

Thank you. This will do.

Oh, are you sure that one's not out-of-date?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Sophie.

Oh.

Hello, Tamsyn speaking.

Tamsyn. Hi.

It's Marlo Machelski here.

The busty woman from the trivia last night.

Uh-huh. I know who you are.

Look, I just wanted to apologise for the way I tackled you

and then pinging your car at the end of the night.

That was... That was me.

- Oh, my gosh, never call me again! - (PHONE BEEPS)

Grow up. It'll buff out.

Listen, you need to do something about Hannibal. He reeks.

- Hannibal is dead. - Tired!

My gosh, you have never been able to deal with death

and we have never been able to talk about it.

I'm starting to think 'Em' may be short for 'Emo'.

Do you believe in heaven?

How much do you know about Vikings?

We're going to celebrate death

by setting Hannibal on fire

and sending him out with a bang!

- We're Catholics, for God's sake. - Are we? (CHUCKLES)