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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,280
And then she's startled!
She jumps into the hole.
3
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,000
And then she jumps into the hole.
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,440
Put smoke in hole, wait with spear.
5
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,640
Put smoke in the... No. What?
6
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,880
Sorry. No, that's not... No.
7
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,520
Oh, I'm just going to do a school
knot. Not a proper knot, mate.
8
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:17,680
Are you stressed?
9
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:18,800
Don't be stressed.
10
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,480
You can always go back
to the gooseberry farm.
11
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,240
Well, you weren't there
when I left. Hm.
12
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,960
Just think of the gate house.
13
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,800
I'm very proud of you. Mm. OK?
14
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,800
Aw! I remember my first day
at the bank. Terrible tummy ache.
15
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,040
Yes, my first day as CO,
16
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,840
I must admit I had some butterflies.
17
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,000
First time hunt mammoth,
me be bricking it.
18
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,480
What about you, Julian? Me?
19
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,640
Well, can't say I've ever
suffered from first day nerves.
20
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,120
It's a bit short. Oh.
That's how I used to do in school.
21
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,720
Ooh, yes. what about school?
What, Harrow?
22
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,240
Nah! It was like a second home.
23
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,080
Well, third home.
We had a second home.
24
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,600
Fourth if you count the one
in Provence.
25
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,360
University and so on?
Er, same boys, really.
26
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,400
Surely the first day in parliament
must have been...
27
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,080
Again - same boys, really.
28
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,560
So you're saying you've never been
in a situation
29
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,200
where you felt out of your depth?
30
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,240
Nah. Not that I can recall.
31
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,480
Hm.
32
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,560
WOMAN SOBBING, ECHOING: Oh, God, no!
33
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,520
SIRENS WAIL 999, what's your emergency?
34
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,120
We think he's had a heart attack.
No, he isn't breathing.
35
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,760
Patient is unresponsive.
36
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:17,920
Clear!
37
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,520
DEFIBRILLATOR WHIRRING
38
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:20,680
Terminating CPR.
39
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:21,720
Hello?
40
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:24,720
Lindsay?
41
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:25,880
Lindsay!
42
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,160
What the hell is going on?!
43
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,360
They can't hear you.
44
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,800
Oh! What?
45
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,120
Uh!
46
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,960
Oh, no...
47
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,800
Oh...
48
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,160
Oh, dear.
49
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,720
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
50
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,960
New guy!
51
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,920
Alison, if I may,
since Michael is at work today,
52
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,040
I wondered if you might like
to accompany me
53
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,640
for a turn about the grounds?
54
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,040
Actually, I can't because...
55
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,720
Alison is spending the day
with me today, Thomas.
56
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,720
Dancing. She promised.
I did, actually.
57
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,320
I said we could make up
a dance routine
58
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,400
like I did with my friends
at school. Mad.
59
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,320
Well, I can help you devise
your piece,
60
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,000
provide an outside eye,
constructive criticism...
61
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,960
Thomas, I don't want you to...
It's no trouble at all.
62
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,080
No, I don't think... Shush now.
Nay, nay, nay.
63
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,480
Ugh! OK. OK.
64
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,200
Knock 'em dead. Isn't he leaving?
65
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,040
No, he's working from home, online.
66
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,080
Mm! Working from home? Fascinating.
67
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,920
You're going to be great. OK?
68
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,240
Hello! I invented that look.
69
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,440
Come on, Alison!
70
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,800
OK. Let's start straight away.
71
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,520
Alison! I was thinking that we could
grow from a seed... Alison!
72
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,920
..into a flower... Alison!
73
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,400
Ugh! There's womens on television
talking about all sorts,
74
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,920
giving their 'pinions freely.
75
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:02,360
Loose Women, Mary. Awful programme.
Yes, yes! Loose Womens.
76
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,640
Me like Christine Lampard.
77
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,280
Oh, I do fear for them, Alison.
VEHICLE OUTSIDE
78
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:10,360
If the menfolk catch them so
wantonly expressing theirselves,
79
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,560
the loud one... Coleen Nolan.
80
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,080
Well, she will be ducked for sure.
Mm.
81
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,000
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ooh! It's probably just a parcel.
82
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,440
I'll be one sec, OK?
83
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,840
KITTY: Ugh!
84
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,080
You want play chess?
85
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,120
Er...
86
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,320
Not today, Robin.
87
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,160
Then I will play with myself.
88
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,400
Hi. Hello.
89
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,040
Can I help you...?
90
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,560
Er, yeah.
91
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,840
Yeah?
92
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,280
Um, sorry, you're Alison,
aren't you? Yes.
93
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,040
OK, well, my name's Lucy and, er...
94
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,800
Well, it's...probably going
to come as a shock.
95
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,160
Oh, God. Erm...
96
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,880
I'm just going to say it.
I think I'm your half sister.
97
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,080
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
98
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,280
Looking very smart, Mike.
Loving the tie.
99
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,040
I won't take too much of your time
before you get cracking.
100
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,280
All the stuff we went through
in the induction meeting -
101
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,520
there are no quotas.
102
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,400
We are not a factory,
you are not machines, OK?
103
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,040
Having said that, keep the
numbers up, stick to the script
104
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,200
and don't ask open questions.
Got it.
105
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,920
Your job is to sign them up,
not to hear their life stories.
106
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,640
Excellent briefing.
She's right, Michael.
107
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,400
Quick in and out,
like special forces. Carry on.
108
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,800
I'll sometimes listen in and you can
talk to me in the chat window.
109
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,720
But please keep it to business.
110
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:38,960
Ah.
111
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,680
Is that a tongue sticking out?
112
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,560
No, no, no. Does anybody have
any last questions?
113
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,640
It was just a summer thing, I guess.
114
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,280
I don't think it lasted long.
115
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,040
I don't like her. Just a holiday
thing. Her eyes are too far apart.
116
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,360
And she smells and she hit me.
117
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,160
She can't! Well, she wanted to.
She's a baddie.
118
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,520
Then Mum found out she was pregnant
119
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,080
and she didn't have
an address for him,
120
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,600
so just got on with it, I suppose.
121
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,200
Do you take sugar? One, please.
122
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,720
Same as me.
123
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:07,880
THOMAS: Gosh!
124
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,400
So alike. Huh!
125
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,040
But, yeah, she tried the phone book
and stuff... You all right, Thomas?
126
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,200
If they'd had Facebook, it would
have been different. Huh?
127
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,280
Tea, one sugar.
Well, that's what she said,
128
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,640
but maybe she didn't want
to find him. Who knows?
129
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,320
It was only when I was 16
that my mum told me all this.
130
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,800
I mean, chinny reckon!
131
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,560
She sat me down and she said...
You know, I had this myself.
132
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,680
They show up out of the blue
with some story about
133
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,600
how you slept with their mother
at the party conference in '74
134
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,080
and how you should pay off
their student debt.
135
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,840
Did that really happen?
Well, yeah, once or twice.
136
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,000
And then I'm watching
a documentary on TV
137
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,200
and you come on and they show
a photo of you with your parents
138
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,000
and it's him. Oh! Gracious.
139
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,640
I... I just couldn't believe it.
140
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,240
All these years, all I've ever
had was his name...
141
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,120
I mean, where's the evidence?!
142
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,360
..and this photo.
143
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,280
Oh, right. That's him, to be fair.
Yeah. Same bloke.
144
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,920
Is this when he was living
in Cornwall? Yeah.
145
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,360
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know it
must be a bit of a bombshell.
146
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,680
KITTY: We're meant to be
having fun today,
147
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,440
not listening to boring stories.
148
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,400
Ugh... No, erm... Alison!
No, no, it is.
149
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,560
Hurry it up!
150
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,280
Um, I could do your dance with you,
Kitty, if you like.
151
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,680
It's meant to be with Alison.
Just until she's ready to take over.
152
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,160
Fine! But we still need
the music on.
153
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,880
She's got a point, Alison. Erm...
154
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,320
Do you...? Do you want
to see my photos?
155
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,960
Oh, my God, I'd love to.
156
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,840
Follow me. Great.
157
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,480
Oh! Whoa! That was close.
158
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,880
HEATHER BUTTON: No,
the fundraiser's over.
159
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,240
He took his body away
in an ambulance.
160
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,160
Of course everyone's gone home.
Heather!
161
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,200
Heather! I just hope to God
the press don't get hold of it.
162
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,720
Something very strange is
happening to me.
163
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:46,880
Whoa!
164
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,000
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Don't worry.
165
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,360
You gets used to it.
166
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,520
You don't!
167
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,000
NEWS THEME
168
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,760
Where be the women?
169
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,880
REPORTER: Several arrests have been
made in Watford today.
170
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,240
They have been cleared out.
The suspects have been remanded
171
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,040
in custody and will face trial next
month. If found guilty... Trial.
172
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,000
A tr... Oh, dear!
173
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,040
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
174
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,480
..both conmen in their late 30s.
Oh, no, a trial! A trial!
175
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,200
LINE RINGS
176
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,360
Here we go.
177
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,880
Remember your training.
Stick to the script. You'll be fine.
178
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,120
Hello. Hi there. My name's Mike.
179
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,800
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance. Good.
180
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,400
LINE GOES DEAD Hello?
181
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,440
What? Oh.
182
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,040
Better luck next time. Chin up.
Here we go. Stand by.
183
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,000
Hello? You're connected.
That's a go for Michael.
184
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,160
Hi there. My name's Mike.
185
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,720
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance. Very good.
186
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,400
Oh, I see. Hello.
187
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,840
Hi. How are you today?
188
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,960
Open question!
189
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,120
Oh, I'm fine.
190
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,880
Bit of a bad back,
but I can't complain at my age.
191
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,640
Come on. Oh, that doesn't
sound very nice.
192
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,480
Oh, it's agony, Mike.
I've got painkillers,
193
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,680
but I don't like to take them. No?
194
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,360
Just stick to the script, man!
195
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,680
Oh, give him a break.
It's his first day.
196
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,840
It's hardly breaking
the Enigma code, is it?
197
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:08,880
Like you could do better.
198
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,280
Well, I really rather think I could
actually, Humphrey.
199
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,280
Yeah, I think I'd be employee
of the month.
200
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,600
Oh, all right, then. Prove it.
201
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,960
I'll be the customer. What?
No, come on. Go on.
202
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,960
Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Oh, all right.
203
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,520
Hello, Mr Cheese speaking.
204
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,000
Right, right. Hello.
205
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,400
I... Mr Cheese?
That's a ridiculous name.
206
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,440
How dare you insult my name?
Who is this?
207
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,440
No, no, I wasn't doing
the thing just then.
208
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,640
Wasn't doing what thing?
Come on, I'm a very busy man.
209
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:32,800
I've got chickens to feed.
210
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,280
CLEARS THROAT Hello. Yes?
211
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,320
I'm calling on behalf
of Spirited Life Insurance.
212
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,440
Hello. And I was...
213
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,320
I was rather wondering whether...
Sorry, it's a very bad line.
214
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,440
I can hardly hear you.
215
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,080
Hello? Hello?
216
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,480
Hello? Hello? Hello?
217
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,560
Hello. Hello? Hello?
218
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,720
Hello! Hello. Yes, I'm calling...
Hello?
219
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:51,920
This is Graham Cheese.
220
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,840
I'm afraid I can't get to the phone
at the moment,
221
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,520
but if you leave a message, I'll get
back to you as soon as I can.
222
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,680
Hello? Beep!
223
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,800
Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling
from Spirited Life Insurance.
224
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,720
I was calling... Sorry.
225
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,000
KITTY: Come on.
We haven't got time for this.
226
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,440
The photos are just
in my bedside cabinet.
227
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,880
Oh, my goodness, this place is huge!
228
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,920
Erm, I think I'm just going
to put some music on. OK.
229
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,000
Not that one. Not that one.
230
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,840
That one. OK.
231
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,760
MUSIC: Saturday Night
by Whigfield
232
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,720
Haven't heard this in a while.
233
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,200
Anyway, it's this way.
234
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,920
THOMAS: It's strange. I really do
feel as though we've met before.
235
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,320
Right, come on, Pat! We're seeds.
236
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,320
OK. All right. Seeds, is it?
237
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,480
Grow... Grow...
238
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,960
And leaves...
239
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,000
BEEPING Hello?
240
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,040
OK.
241
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,200
Right!
242
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,360
Mr Cheese, to recap your assets,
you have your house,
243
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,400
the circus in Bavaria,
244
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,040
and you have 12 sons.
245
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,840
13. What?
246
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,400
She's just another one. Little boy.
247
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,600
We're going to call him Cheddar.
No, I'm sorry.
248
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,760
This is all getting very silly.
249
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,600
I'm not playing any more.
Well, don't be like... Big family.
250
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,640
May I ask what thought you've given
to their inheritance?
251
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,000
BOTH: Open question, Michael!
252
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,800
CALLER: It wouldn't be
straightforward for me.
253
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,360
You see, I have a rather
complicated family history.
254
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,680
Oh, this is going to take a while.
255
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,560
I see. And have you considered
making a will?
256
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,000
I'd have to start at the beginning.
257
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,400
Well, we at Spirited...
I was a foundling, you see?
258
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,120
Left in a telephone box in Dublin.
259
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,360
Wow.
260
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,440
So it wasn't until years later
261
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,160
that I really knew anything
about my family. Blimey!
262
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,440
So what was he like?
263
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,000
Well, I wish I could tell you,
264
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:39,440
but he passed away when I was five.
Oh, of course. Sorry.
265
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,960
No, erm... Well, my mum always said
266
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,880
that he was the love of her life.
267
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,760
He was funny and kind.
268
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,720
He was a good cook.
269
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,680
And, erm... What else?
270
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,320
He....
271
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,800
Oh, he was a terrible dancer.
272
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,760
Are you OK?
273
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,600
Yeah, sorry, it's just...
274
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,160
It's just a lot to take in.
275
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,360
Yeah.
276
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,840
It is.
277
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,560
PAT, ECHONING: Steady, steady...
278
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,240
It is a lot to take in.
279
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,800
It certainly was for me.
280
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,720
There's no such thing as ghosts.
281
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,000
I'm having a bad dream.
282
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,360
Yeah. I'm having a bad dream.
283
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,960
I can assure you this is only
too real.
284
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,520
You never know. You might be lucky
and get sucked off.
285
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,600
Eh?
286
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,440
I mean, you can't be real.
287
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,840
You're all stereotypical ghosts,
aren't you?
288
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,520
You've got the old grey lady.
289
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:41,000
Look at you and your
joke shop arrow. Bloody cheek!
290
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,280
Oh, and here comes the headless one.
291
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,440
Yeah. Bravo! Very original.
292
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,280
Well, I'm sorry I'm such a cliche.
293
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,280
Argh!
294
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,560
Wargh!
295
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,920
All right, that's it.
296
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,320
I've had enough of this.
297
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,040
I'm getting out of here.
298
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,080
Goodbye.
299
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,160
He could have walked through
those tables. Rookie error.
300
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,520
Wait for it.
301
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,400
And...
302
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,320
Ha-ha-ha-ha! We've all done it.
303
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,040
ROBIN LAUGHING Classic!
304
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,840
Three. Come on. Let's go.
305
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:25,920
Argh! Poor bugger.
306
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,320
Four!
307
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,480
Ah!
308
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,720
Hurgh!
309
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,760
21.
310
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,440
Uh...
311
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:41,920
Argh!
312
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,400
42.
313
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,960
Oh, eugh...
314
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,280
67 and a half.
315
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,400
Gah!
316
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,640
Argh, why...?
317
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,040
Two fat ladies, 88.
318
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,120
No! Yes, it doesn't make sense,
does it?
319
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,400
See you later, losers!
320
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,960
Argh...
321
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,840
100!
322
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,160
Oh, what is wrong with me?
323
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,360
Why does my heart pound?
Why do I ache so?
324
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,960
Mary, what is your opinion?
325
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,320
My... My 'pinion?
326
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,120
Yes. As a woman. A Loose Woman?
327
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,080
If you like.
328
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,760
So, what ails me?
329
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,400
Be there something new on thy plate?
330
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,320
Go on.
331
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,680
When I was three and twenty,
my mother did grow fennel.
332
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,840
Oh, how I loved it so!
333
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,720
I ate noth but fennel for weeks,
sparing the onions.
334
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,920
But all the while, I did have
a terrible time on the stool,
335
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,400
but did not know why.
336
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,960
'Twas the fennel, of course.
337
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,760
Well, it isn't fennel.
338
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,240
I can't eat anything.
339
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,600
Unless...
340
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,720
..Lucy is my fennel.
341
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,600
My God, you're right!
I'm hopelessly in love with fennel.
342
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,480
I must tell onions... Alison.
343
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:37,520
And we fly to the left
and we fly to the right
344
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,160
and rainbow and down.
345
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:45,360
Whoo! Right, I'm off to see what
Alison's up to with that girl.
346
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,560
Well, hang on,
we've only just started.
347
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,480
I could teach you a few moves,
if you like.
348
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,840
I was a regional dance finalist,
you know.
349
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:52,920
Erm...
350
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,800
Oh...
351
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,400
How about this, eh? Mashed potato.
352
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,840
Easy. That's it.
353
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,920
Now we're cooking spuds, eh?
354
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,680
OK, let's try this one.
355
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:06,840
Oh!
356
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,760
That's right, don't forget
to transfer your weight.
357
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,240
I've got loads of moves.
358
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,320
Dice it and dice it,
dice it, dice it...
359
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:19,880
Car wash.
360
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,040
Right... Ooh! Oh!
361
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,880
How about this?
362
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,600
What can you see through
your fingers?
363
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,840
Nothing. Oh.
364
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,640
Pop and pop and pop.
365
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,680
Groovy!
366
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,800
Shimmer, shimmer.
367
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,840
Pinch and down.
368
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,160
No, you can breathe!
369
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,560
Breathe! GASPING BREATH
370
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:44,960
That's it. And down.
371
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,200
You be careful what you reveal
to this young lady.
372
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,880
Don't let her be seeing
where you keep
373
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,160
your papers, passport and so on.
374
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,240
It's just down there
on the right. Thanks.
375
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,800
Before you know it,
she'll be travelling the world
376
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,440
all expenses paid - paid by you.
What are you talking about?
377
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,520
I had tickets for a luxury cruise.
378
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,000
Trip of a lifetime, first class,
upper decks,
379
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,920
but I arrived in Southampton
to find that apparently
380
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,160
there was already
a Lady Button aboard.
381
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,720
Right. I'm certain it was
a young lady that came to the house
382
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,640
looking for a housekeeping vacancy
when there wasn't one.
383
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,480
Used my identity to cheat her way
onto the Titanic.
384
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,080
Hang on - the Titanic? Mm.
385
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,360
The Titanic sank.
386
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,920
Aren't you glad you weren't on it?
387
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,800
People forget that before
the iceberg,
388
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,720
it was a perfectly pleasant trip.
389
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,520
So you did go?
390
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,320
No, I've seen the motion picture.
391
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,240
Only you wouldn't catch me letting
some American oik paint my breasts.
392
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,160
I don't see how any of this
is relevant.
393
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,440
All I'm saying is beware.
394
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,000
Be very ware...
395
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,040
..ry.
396
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,560
TOILET FLUSHES
397
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,080
You mark my words, young lady.
398
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,520
Alison, there you are.
Great, you too. Can you just not...?
399
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,840
I'm afraid what I have to say
may come as a shock to you.
400
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,880
And it's not your fault.
401
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,120
Our time together
has been a paradise.
402
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,680
Gah, this is hard.
403
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,240
I know it's harder for you,
404
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:02,320
but I cannot deny my heart
has changed.
405
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,120
And I must leave you.
406
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,520
Mm.
407
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,080
Metaphorically, of course.
I'll still live in the house.
408
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,520
Thanks. No problem.
409
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,840
CALLER: While I was working
in the home,
410
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,880
I struck up a friendship
with this particular lady, you see?
411
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,000
We just connected.
412
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,160
I used to talk to her when I brought
lunch to her room and so on.
413
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,640
And one day, she told me
her greatest regret.
414
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,000
What was it?
415
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,120
It was that when
she was a young girl,
416
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,520
she had a baby she had to give up.
417
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,840
GASPING
418
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,120
And I still get goose bumps
now remembering it.
419
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,880
I knew. I just knew. She was...?
420
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,880
Yes, she was my mother.
She was the mother!
421
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,480
That's incredible.
422
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,040
Wow. I couldn't believe it myself,
Mike! She was the mother!
423
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,240
Extraordinary! And now,
we're one big happy family.
424
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,600
I've got seven grandchildren
425
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,960
and another one on the way.
426
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,440
Wonderful!
427
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,240
It works so much better
with your moves now. Thank you.
428
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,400
SONG RESTARTS Again! What?!
429
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,360
Don't you want to go
and see Alison?
430
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,880
Quick! Oh...
431
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,160
Give over!
432
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:27,520
Please, God, take pity
on the Loose Women.
433
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:31,000
Their husbands be so worried,
dear Lord.
434
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,440
Please send them...
435
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,280
PRAYS SOFTLY
436
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,080
It is done.
437
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,400
What's done?
438
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,520
The honourable thing.
439
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,760
It was the right thing to do,
was it not?
440
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,040
I could not pretend
I was not changed.
441
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,800
After all, I've not felt this way
since...
442
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,480
Well, since Alison came into
my life - so modern, so spirited,
443
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,240
so charming.
444
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,720
Was I hasty?
445
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,840
Perhaps I love them both.
446
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,160
No! Do I?
447
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,400
Say something about fennel
or something.
448
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,640
Oh, fennel, yeah.
449
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,760
Well, it's a root vegetable.
450
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,760
Yes? Grows in soil.
451
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,560
You've got the bulb, then
you've got them lovely long shoots
452
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,000
and very pretty flowers on the end.
453
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,040
Thrives in well-drained soil.
454
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,240
Well-drained... Bit like celery.
Always loved celery.
455
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,400
Same family as fennel, of course.
456
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,760
Same family?
457
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,200
Of course! How could I be so rash?
458
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,880
It is Alison I see in Lucy!
459
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,240
A reflection of the same creation,
the same fair qualities.
460
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,720
It does not mean I have stopped
loving onions!
461
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,440
Far from it.
462
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,040
Thank you, Mary.
463
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,680
Such insight into matters
of the heart.
464
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,800
Thank you again! Yep.
465
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,840
You're welcomes.
466
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,600
I was only speaking of vegetables,
though.
467
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,200
TV: Martine McCutcheon will
tell us about her new album,
468
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,800
plus we'll be discussing
Meghan Markle's make-up routine...
469
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,800
Oh!
470
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,600
Praise be! They have been pardoned!
471
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,000
They've been pardoned!
472
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,440
The...
473
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,520
CALLER: Goodness, I've been
prattling on, haven't I?
474
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,880
No, no! No, no. Not at all. Not at
all, Anne. No, I won't hear it.
475
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,200
It's fascinating, Anne. Maybe I get
that from my mother. Who knows?
476
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,280
Anyway, you wanted to talk
to me about insurance?
477
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,400
Mike? Well...actually,
478
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,320
I don't work for
the company any more.
479
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,600
Oh? Yeah, I thought it might be
a bit exploitative, so...
480
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,160
..I quit. Oh!
Are you sure that's wise?
481
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,640
Good for you, Mike.
A man of principle.
482
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,160
Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better go,
start looking for a new job.
483
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,600
Well, I don't know if you'd be
interested, but I know my niece
484
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,880
has a position she needs
to fill at her company
485
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,560
and I think you could be
just the ticket. Oh?
486
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,880
She needs someone trustworthy...
Well played, Michael.
487
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,400
Just the ticket. Lucky git!
488
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,960
Thanks so much for hearing me out.
489
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,720
Oh, yeah. I know this must have
come as a huge shock.
490
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,320
Yeah, you can say that again.
491
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,560
Can I give you my number?
492
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,600
And that way, it's up to you
if you want to get in touch. Yeah.
493
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,840
Alison, there you are!
Forget everything I said earlier.
494
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,160
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
495
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,920
I'd really like to get to know you,
if you want that too.
496
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,680
Yeah, I'd... You don't have to say
anything now.
497
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,160
You need time to think.
498
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,200
Thank you. Bye for now.
499
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,840
Bye! Bye. Bye.
500
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,480
Goodbye.
501
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,360
Forever, potentially.
502
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,080
Which would be fine,
because it's you I love, only you.
503
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,080
Has she gone?
504
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,880
How did it go?
KITTY: Pat? Pat!
505
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,160
Oh, no! Where did you go?
506
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,680
She's a dance machine!
507
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,160
She can't stop!
508
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,880
BOTH: You are not going to believe
what just happened...
509
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,960
To me. What? Try me.
510
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,920
I just said goodbye to someone
who showed up to tell me
511
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,640
she's my half sister.
Yeah, yours is better.
512
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:10,840
Apparently before he met my mum,
my dad and her mum had a thing,
513
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,320
then they split up and he didn't
know she was pregnant.
514
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,920
What? Yeah.
515
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,880
Do you find that hard to believe?
Well, yeah,
516
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,160
but not after the story
I just heard on the phone.
517
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,760
Just cos something's crazy
doesn't mean it can't be true.
518
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,520
I find it all rather convenient.
519
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,400
Wouldn't you agree, Julian?
520
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,520
Julian?
521
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,760
Julian?
522
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:32,800
Julian.
523
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,960
My name is Julian Fawcett
524
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,560
and I'm a...
525
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,440
Go on. You can do it!
526
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,280
I'm a ghost.
527
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,640
Well done. Well done.
528
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,280
Feel better, eh?
529
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,360
Take a seat.
You'll find there is a fun side
530
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,760
to being cut-off indefinitely
from the life you lived
531
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,440
and the people you loved.
532
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,040
We were just about to play charades.
533
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,520
Yeah. Not really my bag.
534
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,440
Oh.
535
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,880
Anyone want to play chess?
536
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:09,920
Oh, yeah.
537
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,040
Right. Do you know how?
538
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,360
Could learn.
539
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,040
Right.
540
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,680
I suppose we've got time.
541
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,080
Right, well, these little ones
are called pawns.
542
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,120
Prawn. And... Pawn. Prawn.
543
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,760
LADY BUTTON, ECHOING: Julian?
OK.
544
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,200
Julian? What's that?
545
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,880
No. Well, I mean, if I could accept
that I was dead...
546
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,560
I mean, I could except
I can see dead people.
547
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,640
Doesn't seem that far fetched
at all.
548
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,000
Looks like I have a sister.
549
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,840
Yeah.
550
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,880
Oh!
551
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,200
How was your day?
552
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,840
I quit. Oh.
But then I got a better job.
553
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,840
Oh, right.
You have been busy.
554
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,280
Kitty? No! I'm free now
if you want me to take over.
555
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,920
No, that's all right.
556
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,520
Pat's my dance partner now.
557
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,640
He taught me the mashed potato,
the chicken dance
558
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,280
and the banana split.
559
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,160
That's a balanced meal. Delicious.
560
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,800
Come on, Pat!
We've got to polish our routine.
561
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,280
Oh, God, no!
562
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,320
Come on! No, mercy!
No time to lose. Please, Kitty!
563
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,600
And where have you been?
564
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,200
Well, I've been with young
Michael and Mr Cheese.
565
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,840
I mean, Humphrey. No, I've learned
a thing or two actually.
566
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:27,440
There are times when one must go
against the grain,
567
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,600
make one's own decisions rather than
simply following orders. Hm.
568
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,600
CLOCK CHIMES Ooh, fetch the others.
569
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,240
It's time for my talk of the day.
570
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,840
Fanny, yes, Fanny!
571
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,400
Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me.
572
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,120
Still fancy that game?
573
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,360
So...
574
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,000
..prawn. Pawn. He goes dooka.
575
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,560
Uh-huh?
576
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,640
Prawn - dooka.
41735
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