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1
00:00:00,957 --> 00:00:04,221
♪
2
00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:06,049
Can I get a what's uuuuup?
3
00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:07,050
Can you get a what?
4
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,834
No time for pleasantries, Steve.
5
00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,662
I've unsleeved the pudding pop.
6
00:00:10,706 --> 00:00:12,577
- [all groan]
- That's right.
7
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:15,034
A lot of stuff has been going on
around here without my comment,
8
00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:16,842
and I think it's time to...
9
00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:18,844
ALL: ...tell it like it is.
10
00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:21,021
That's right.
I tell it like it is.
11
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:22,631
I call it like I see it.
12
00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:24,198
Do I pussyfoot around?
13
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,242
I can't.
14
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:26,548
[slurps]
15
00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:28,637
It begins now.
16
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,987
Hayley, you know
what I'm going to say.
17
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,293
[sighs]
The bicycle shorts...
18
00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,077
The bicycle shorts
you wore last week.
19
00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:35,905
I didn't see a bicycle.
20
00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:37,298
Was it a fashion thing?
21
00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:38,666
With a baggy sweater,
I-I thought...
22
00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:40,170
It looked bad.
23
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:42,129
Francine, I saw on
the credit card statement
24
00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,218
you got a subscription
to Master Class?
25
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:46,133
Doris Kearns Goodwin does one...
26
00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:49,310
You're going to become
a DKG-level historian?
27
00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:50,896
That'd be the first time
anyone in this family
28
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,400
followed through on something.
29
00:00:52,443 --> 00:00:54,576
Remember how you all saw
the movie Nightcrawler
30
00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,491
and you all wanted to become
Nightcrawlers,
31
00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:59,015
selling pictures
of car accidents to the news?
32
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,799
How many of you
are Nightcrawlers now?
33
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,758
We... We could...
We could be Nightcrawlers...
34
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:04,412
Big mistake piping up, Steve.
35
00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,588
The other day, your hair
came down into your face?
36
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:07,806
No.
37
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,591
I was getting out of the pool!
38
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,984
You don't have a face where
you can ever let your hair
39
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,291
come forward like that.
40
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:16,728
It's your nose.
Just telling it like it is.
41
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:18,774
Talk to me about hair.
42
00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,645
Of all people.
Good gracious.
43
00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:21,994
What's that, son?
44
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:23,822
Is it a hard truth
you're muttering?
45
00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:26,173
Hit me with it.
I can take it. [slurps]
46
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:28,871
I said it's funny for you
of all people
47
00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:30,438
to criticize someone's hair!
48
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:31,569
You're bald!
49
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:34,224
[echoing] Bald... bald...
50
00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:35,443
Dad? [gasps]
51
00:01:35,486 --> 00:01:36,618
Ooh!
52
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:38,489
Bald! Bald! Bald!
53
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,230
Bald! Bald!
54
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:41,710
Pretty good Steve impression,
huh?
55
00:01:41,753 --> 00:01:43,059
Now do Klaus!
56
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,930
[as Klaus] What's up, dudes?
57
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:47,281
Klaus usually says "bros."
58
00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:49,848
[patriotic music plays]
59
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:52,721
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
60
00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:56,551
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
61
00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:59,858
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
62
00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:03,775
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
63
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:09,216
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
64
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,348
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
65
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:12,523
Aah!
66
00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:17,354
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
67
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:20,009
♪
68
00:02:20,052 --> 00:02:22,359
There I was,
blasting them with the truth,
69
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,622
one of my best
tell-it-like-it-is-es-es,
70
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:27,538
and Steve just knocks the wind
out of me with... with...
71
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:28,800
The truth?
72
00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:30,019
Yes.
73
00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:32,369
Ya know, Stan, to tell it
like it is freely,
74
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,763
you must remove
all your weaknesses.
75
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:37,069
Baldness is my only weakness.
76
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:39,289
You know, there's
a hair transplant technique
77
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,422
I read about
that's very cutting edge...
78
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,032
hair seeds.
79
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,860
"Cutting edge" is intriguing.
80
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,167
If you did it, I could arrange
to have your new hair
81
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:48,907
styled by none other than...
82
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,735
get ready for this...
83
00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:52,650
Josay Bosay.
84
00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:55,392
Who?
85
00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:56,785
Are you serious?
86
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:58,178
Josay Bosay?
87
00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,789
He's my most celebrated
hair stylist character.
88
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,269
I have never heard of him.
89
00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:04,488
Back in the '70s,
Josay gave Rod Stewart
90
00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:07,709
what would turn out to be
his forever haircut.
91
00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:09,058
You know what, Roger?
92
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:11,191
I will get hair seeds!
93
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,845
I'm so excited,
I have to journal!
94
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,283
Is Stan right about us?
95
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,763
We were so excited
about being Nightcrawlers.
96
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:21,679
It's all we talked about
in 2015.
97
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:24,856
But how many times did we
actually go out on the prowl?
98
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,597
Not even once.
99
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,991
Look, did you all like
the movie Nightcrawler?
100
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,775
- Yes!
- More than anything.
101
00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:32,690
And do you still think
about it every day?
102
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,475
- Yes!
- Morning to night!
103
00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:36,583
And do you think that taking
pictures of car accidents
104
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:38,696
and crime scenes
seems like easy, fun money?
105
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:39,958
TOGETHER: Yes!
106
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,177
Then get out there!
107
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:44,093
[cheering]
108
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:46,226
No one ever uses
the fireman pole.
109
00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,141
Not even me.
110
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:51,579
♪
111
00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:54,321
With my proprietary
hair seed technology,
112
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:57,193
giving you a big, beautiful
mane of hair
113
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,543
is as easy as one, two, three.
114
00:03:59,587 --> 00:04:02,459
Now, let's take the wig off
and see what we're working with.
115
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:05,636
I can't do it.
116
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,812
My... head's under there.
117
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:08,857
ROGER: I'm right here.
118
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,206
I'm too nervous!
119
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,253
What if I hold the other hand?
120
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,819
And now...
121
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:15,994
[munching]
122
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,301
I'm a monster.
123
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,303
It's okay, Mr. Smith.
124
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:23,915
As a professional, I see
this sort of thing every day.
125
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,787
Pamela, bring me some Dramamine.
126
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,591
I'm looking at something
that makes me queasier
127
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,269
than any roller coaster.
128
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,880
These hair seeds
are gonna go nuclear
129
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:34,796
when they touch down
on that cueball melon of yours.
130
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,451
Let's gas this Kojak.
131
00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:39,453
STAN: I-I thought this was
an outpatient surgery.
132
00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:41,063
Shh.
133
00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:42,466
[distantly]
It's gonna be a breeze.
134
00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:47,243
Stan, things are going
very badly.
135
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,593
Your body has rejected
the hair seeds,
136
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,049
and something went nuts
with your kidneys.
137
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:53,075
They swelled up
and got very big,
138
00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:54,816
then they shrunk down
very small,
139
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,383
then they made a hissing sound,
140
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:58,298
then they just
flat-out vanished.
141
00:04:58,341 --> 00:04:59,741
I saw the whole thing
on ultrasound.
142
00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:00,777
I was like...
143
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:03,975
What does this mean for my hair?
144
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:05,827
We need a rare double donor...
145
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,525
both a kidney and a hair match.
146
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:11,180
Fortunately, I already
found the right person.
147
00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,095
They're here,
they're excited to help,
148
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:14,749
and they're right behind
this curtain.
149
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,359
Looks like Tuttle.
150
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,203
I'm going to insist
the donation be anonymous.
151
00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:19,536
TUTTLE:
This is an outrage!
152
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:21,277
I'm a hero!
153
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,714
Stay behind the screen.
It is my wish.
154
00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:25,325
Prep for surgery!
155
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:29,024
Let's get hairy!
156
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,852
- Aaaah!
- He's dead again?!
157
00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,767
- [glass shatters]
- This is a nightmare!
158
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,812
My anesthesia's not working!
159
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:36,640
- [screaming]
- My anesthesia's not working!
160
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,033
Shut up! Shut up!
161
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,165
DR. BATTIATO:
Stan, open your eyes.
162
00:05:42,994 --> 00:05:44,256
It worked.
163
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,780
- [weakly] Hair?
- Oh, yeah.
164
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,608
And it was easy as
one, two, three
165
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:48,913
months in a coma.
166
00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:49,958
I was in a coma?!
167
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,047
It's time to remove this towel
168
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:54,179
and send you out into the world,
169
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:55,920
a man who has hair,
170
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:57,835
but no towel.
171
00:05:57,879 --> 00:05:59,402
The fruit...
172
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:00,925
of the hair seed.
173
00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:04,102
Oh!
174
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:05,626
Ohh!
175
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,541
Ooh.
176
00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:10,239
I look like the Beast
from Beauty and the Beast!
177
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:13,111
Now I get to bring you
to Josay Bosay
178
00:06:13,155 --> 00:06:14,939
for your first-ever haircut.
179
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:16,941
I can't keep my hands out of it!
180
00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:19,335
I love seeing you
so happy, Stan.
181
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,293
Anonymous! Anonymous!
182
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:27,125
♪
183
00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:30,433
Uh, Stan Smith,
here for Josay Bosay?
184
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,740
[easy listening music playing]
185
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,919
ROGER: Naughty boy!
186
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:41,879
Trying to read
my unfinished memoirs!
187
00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:44,752
There's some juicy stuff
in that memoir.
188
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,319
When Morgan Fairchild reads
what I have to say
189
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:50,714
about our hot affair,
she's going to be so very angry.
190
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,934
But she gets horny
when she's angry,
191
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:55,545
so more sex for me,
right, gorgeous?
192
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:57,373
[purrs]
193
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,549
Th... These are scribbles.
Not writing.
194
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,899
Oh, I can write.
And I can read, too.
195
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:03,510
I read a book that
was one majillion,
196
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:04,815
but let's talk hair.
197
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,643
I want this haircut to be good.
198
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,819
[laughs] Rod was nervous, too,
199
00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:11,474
before I gave him that.
200
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,389
Make me look like me.
201
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,608
The most me.
202
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:25,793
♪
203
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,838
[clippers buzzing]
204
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,579
[slurping]
205
00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,538
[scissors snipping]
206
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,279
ROGER: Et voilà!
207
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,891
You just became...
208
00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:38,240
a butterfly.
209
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:39,683
- I hate it.
- How's that, gorgeous?
210
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,199
It's a horrible haircut.
211
00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:42,766
It's Rod Stewart's forever cut!
212
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:44,333
It's an out-of-date hair-do.
213
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,639
It's a hair-don't, frankly.
214
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,510
[all gasp, scissors clatter]
215
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,469
I gotta tell it like it is.
216
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,819
Josay Bosay, you're obviously
217
00:07:51,862 --> 00:07:53,864
nothing but
a washed-up dinosaur.
218
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,040
- [gasps]
- He looks horrible.
219
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,955
You look horrible.
220
00:07:57,999 --> 00:07:59,914
We all look horrible!
221
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:02,090
This fool only knows
one haircut!
222
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:05,223
It's official...
Josay Bosay is finished!
223
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,704
To the hat store!
224
00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:10,315
[door slams]
Stan, what have you done?!
225
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:11,708
I'm ruined!
226
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:14,102
Josay Bosay is ruined!
227
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,538
[telephone rings]
228
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:16,452
[clears throat]
229
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,323
Hello, Josay Bosay salon,
230
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:19,586
we're ruined.
231
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:22,240
♪
232
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:23,720
I need it fixed.
233
00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,548
Can the hair artists
at Fantastic Sam's
234
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,332
guarantee total perfection?
235
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:28,986
[Roger sobbing distantly]
236
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:30,814
I-I'm sorry,
is someone crying on your end
237
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,947
or is that coming from my house?
238
00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:34,949
Several people are crying there,
you say?
239
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,212
- [sobbing continues]
- [sighs]
240
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:40,911
[sobbing] Pube shapes are hot!
241
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:44,524
Josay is no-o-o-ot!
242
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,569
Terrible about Josay, isn't it?
243
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:48,440
How you destroyed him?
244
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,007
And after he stood by you
245
00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:52,575
during your difficult
hairplug recovery.
246
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:53,924
Klaus, don't interact with me.
247
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,622
I, uh... I... I don't know.
248
00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:57,145
I... I feel weird right now.
249
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,364
You feel guilt, Stan.
250
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,733
No, I think it's just
that earlier,
251
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,672
I ate an entire hardshell crab
252
00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:04,282
like it was a softshell crab.
253
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:05,806
Besides, why would I be guilty?
254
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,547
I was only telling it
like it is.
255
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:10,506
Stan, perhaps I can tell you
like it is...
256
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,900
telling it like it is is mean!
257
00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:15,032
And when you're mean,
you feel guilty.
258
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,730
And sometimes...
259
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:19,776
it feels like you ate
the wrong kind of crab.
260
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,909
Wow.
When you put it like that...
261
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:23,737
Well, so, what am I
supposed to do?
262
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,914
Support your friend
by lying to his face.
263
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:28,524
Reverse all your positions.
264
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,309
Say anything that will
make him feel good.
265
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,660
Klaus, you're a genius
and I love you.
266
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:34,878
You do?
267
00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,706
Whoa, lying's easy.
268
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,882
I'm gonna go do it to Roger.
269
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:40,275
[sobbing]
270
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,364
- Roger?
- It's Josay!
271
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:45,410
Look, Josay, I've been meaning
to say how sorry I am
272
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:46,977
for what happened at your salon.
273
00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:48,892
Former salon.
You hated the cut.
274
00:09:48,936 --> 00:09:51,678
Wrong!
I love this haircut!
275
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:53,767
[sniffles] Really?
276
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,769
But the awful things you said...
277
00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:57,422
A misunderstanding.
278
00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:58,989
You called me out-of-date.
279
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,382
Shyeah. Timeless!
280
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,731
What about washed up?
281
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:04,125
Washed up. Clean, tidy!
282
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,474
Okay, I see that.
283
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:06,997
And dinosaur?
284
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:09,086
Like a T-rex.
He's the king, bud.
285
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:11,436
[laughs]
286
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,091
Talk about
your misunderstandings!
287
00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:16,441
Now, I'm ecstatic you
like the cut,
288
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:19,227
but if you want to maintain
that electrocuted bird look,
289
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,533
you'll need to apply this
constantly.
290
00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,318
It's got a strong smell.
291
00:10:23,361 --> 00:10:25,015
What... is this?
292
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:27,148
A little home recipe
I cooked up.
293
00:10:27,191 --> 00:10:28,715
It's starting to sting.
294
00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:30,281
It's very astringent.
295
00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:31,824
- That's why I wear the gloves.
- [groaning quietly]
296
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,937
It's hair-friendly,
not skin-friendly.
297
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:35,939
Well, I... I love it.
298
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,985
You know what?
I could sell this.
299
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,943
It could be the key
to my comeback.
300
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,007
I think a little's
getting in my...
301
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:43,077
- [product hisses]
- Ow!
302
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,862
I mean... I mean wow!
This is great stuff.
303
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,735
I just have to get people
to love it as much as you do!
304
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,954
If that's even possible!
305
00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:53,609
♪
306
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,829
Am I a lucky duck or what?
307
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:58,048
I put out feelers that
I'm interested in
308
00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:01,269
starting my own product line,
wanna spend lots of money,
309
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:04,141
and I'm immediately contacted
by Roz and Larry here
310
00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:06,535
to be my manufacturing partners!
311
00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:08,972
They're complete strangers,
but they have a nice house,
312
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:12,062
and that makes me trust them
on a gut level.
313
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:14,456
Why is the factory closed,
again?
314
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,545
Oh, a skunk got in there.
315
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,112
Pissed or whatever.
316
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,722
Well, I'm convinced.
317
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:23,683
Stan, is this a great idea
or is this a great idea?
318
00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:25,815
Or do you not like it
and think I'm a fool?
319
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,904
Uh, it's... it's great.
320
00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:29,558
- You're great.
- Oh, excellent.
321
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:32,909
Roz, Larry, here is a check
for the last of my money.
322
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:35,738
Oh, great, but we can
do this later.
323
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,914
- Uhp!
- [glass shatters]
324
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,742
- [door slams]
- That's a good sign, right?
325
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:42,049
- Eager to get started?
- Uh...
326
00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:44,616
Stan, they have
a very expensive home.
327
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:45,922
They don't need my money.
328
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,750
I think this is an open house.
329
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:50,144
Could you both sign in?
330
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,233
So, I've been getting
quite the runaround,
331
00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:54,539
but you're the right person
to help me stop a check?
332
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:57,717
Well, I wrote a check
that was my entire life savings
333
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,980
made out to cash earlier today,
and I'd like to...
334
00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:02,983
Stop! That! Check!
335
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,289
Okay, thank you so much!
You're gorgeous!
336
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,987
They cashed it hours ago.
337
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,815
[sobbing]
338
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:11,078
I'm a fool! A failure!
339
00:12:11,121 --> 00:12:12,949
I know you know it, Stan!
340
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:15,299
Tell me like it is!
341
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:17,693
Well, if you must know
the truth...
342
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,018
[whispering] No!
Keep lying, Stan!
343
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,391
Wuzzat? [sobbing]
344
00:12:20,435 --> 00:12:21,871
The truth is...
345
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:23,220
Lie, lie, lie!
346
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:24,656
Wuzzat?
347
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,397
You're a great hairdresser.
348
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:27,964
KLAUS: Yes!
349
00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:30,358
[sniffles]
Do you really think so?
350
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:33,013
You're the greatest hairdresser
in the world.
351
00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:35,972
[sniffles]
Do you mean the greatest now,
352
00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:37,669
or of all time?
353
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:40,063
Um... all time.
354
00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:41,673
Including the future, too?
355
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,066
How could I possibly know...
356
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,676
- [sobs]
- Yes.
357
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,243
Including the future, too.
358
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,550
"The greatest hairdresser
of all time."
359
00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:49,943
I have to agree.
360
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,683
You know, I think
we're in this mess
361
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:53,424
because I forgot
it's about the hair,
362
00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,078
not this facocta product.
363
00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:56,514
[product hisses, man screams]
364
00:12:56,558 --> 00:13:00,170
So, if I want to get back
on top...
365
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:03,783
I need to give Rod Stewart
a new forever haircut!
366
00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:05,349
That's what worked before!
367
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:07,961
Oh, Rod's gonna be so excited!
368
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,093
But I don't know how
to get in touch with him.
369
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:11,486
Hmm...
370
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,618
Aw, and it was
such a good idea...
371
00:13:13,662 --> 00:13:15,795
Oh, man!
Lucky duck alert!
372
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,535
It's a picture of Rod.
373
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,799
I-I can read the squiggles,
374
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:22,497
but why don't you
read them to me?
375
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,978
It says Rod's in town
for the grand opening
376
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,110
of one of his incredible
stew restaurants,
377
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:28,546
the Art of Stew
378
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,766
by Rod Stew-Art.
379
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,856
Rod Stewart is the same person
as Rod Stew-Art?!
380
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,292
Yum, right?
381
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:39,035
I can taste those big, hard
carrot pieces already.
382
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:50,046
♪
383
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,570
Restaurant opening is
in 15 minutes, Mr. Stewart.
384
00:13:52,614 --> 00:13:54,137
Eh, it's okay.
385
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:56,705
They can't make the stew
without me.
386
00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:01,449
- [gasps]
- Surprise, Rod-baby!
387
00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:03,581
I'm sure sorry we snuck
into your limo, sir.
388
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,061
I-I love your stews.
389
00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,063
Josay Bosay!
390
00:14:07,107 --> 00:14:09,587
Give us a kiss,
you cheeky bastard!
391
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:10,937
Mwah!
392
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,722
Josay, why has it been so long?
393
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,221
Oh, I thought it was because
we were both
394
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:17,900
after the smashing
Victoria Principal...
395
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,729
legs for days, lot of cowlicks,
though, for a woman...
396
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:23,863
and when she chose me,
I figured it ate you up inside.
397
00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:27,040
Josay, I-I thought
you were a homosexual?
398
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,650
Oh, yeah.
399
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,217
Anyway, Rod,
there's not much time.
400
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:32,654
I'm very impressed
by all the success you've had
401
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,351
with the stew restaurants.
402
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:35,396
Mmmwah.
403
00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,311
What a great new chapter
for you.
404
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,704
Speaking of new chapters,
I want one.
405
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,881
And what better way
for me to have one
406
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:44,448
than by giving you
a brand-new hairstyle
407
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:46,842
to be revealed
at the grand opening
408
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,931
of one of your suburban
stew restaurants?
409
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:51,499
Seems like a strange plan.
410
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,893
It's not.
It's a very good plan.
411
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,069
Just ask Stan.
He's on board.
412
00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:58,462
The bloke with the great hair?
413
00:14:58,506 --> 00:14:59,899
That's Stan.
414
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,075
My most supportive friend.
415
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,164
Now, let's get cracking.
416
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,166
Absolutely not, Bosay!
417
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,037
[cheering]
418
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,955
Stan, he's not letting me do it!
419
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:13,956
[crowd shouting]
420
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,784
Stan, help!
421
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:18,482
[dramatic music plays]
422
00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:20,310
[tires squeal]
423
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:21,746
[all screaming]
424
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:26,664
[siren wailing]
425
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,405
Did we just kidnap Rod Stewart?
426
00:15:28,449 --> 00:15:29,841
ROD STEWART: Yes, you did!
427
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,191
Okay, that's one vote.
428
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,845
♪
429
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,978
MEMPHIS: Greg,
here's what we know...
430
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:38,589
We know Rod Stewart's limousine
was hijacked
431
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:41,244
at the opening
of his new stew restaurant.
432
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:45,161
We know his stews are really
flavorful, very rich.
433
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:46,510
We know Rod Stewart is...
434
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:48,469
I want to say Australian?
435
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:51,341
As you can see, the police
have them well-surrounded.
436
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:52,908
I imagine whoever is in there
437
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,998
cannot feel too good
about their prospects.
438
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,584
- [sirens wailing]
- I'm feeling good about this.
439
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,741
Let's cut your hair
and become fabulous together.
440
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:00,785
Again.
441
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:03,136
Josay, please stop the limo.
442
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,007
I'm scared for all our lives.
443
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,593
STAN: Roger, what's happening
back there?
444
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,619
The headline is
"I'm feeling good."
445
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:09,969
Rod's warming up.
446
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:12,275
His eyes aren't doing
as much fearful darting.
447
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:13,885
Few more laps around
the ol' highway
448
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:15,209
and I think
he'll let me cut him.
449
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:16,453
ROD STEWART: Oh, dear.
450
00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:18,847
[sirens wailing]
451
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,373
And here they come
to get their pictures,
452
00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:25,375
those disgusting,
scum-sucking...
453
00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,856
Nightcrawlers!
454
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,467
If the kidnappers are a bunch
of babes with big ones,
455
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,600
we could be looking at 50 Gs.
456
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:35,211
- Yeahhh.
- We gotta get closer.
457
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:36,778
If Rod Stewart is killed
458
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,519
and we're not there
to get the picture,
459
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:41,435
well, then, are we even
loathsome Nightcrawlers at all?
460
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:46,396
Could be a shootout.
461
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,225
Might crash.
Might fireball. Yeah.
462
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,879
Might fireball, boom. Boom!
463
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,621
Look! We can get from
the off-ramp to the on-ramp,
464
00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:56,363
blow right past the police line.
465
00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,539
[screaming] Fireball!
466
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,932
Punch it, punch it,
punch it, yeah, yeah!
467
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:01,977
Nowwww...
468
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,631
punch it!
469
00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:05,807
- Noooo!
- You said punch it!
470
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:07,678
The last one I switched it
to mean brake!
471
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:08,984
Punch the brake!
472
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:14,598
OFFICER BLATT:
Those gotdamt Nightcrawlers!
473
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,905
GREG: Nightcrawlers,
desperate for magic footage
474
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,603
of a celebrity death,
have caused an accident.
475
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:22,519
Their pursuit of senselessly
gratuitous coverage
476
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,696
sickens me to the very core
of my journalistic integrity.
477
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:28,047
- Should we cut the feed?
- Don't be a nitwit.
478
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:29,700
What if there's a fireball?
479
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:32,268
[sirens wailing]
480
00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:34,923
Rod, pleeeeease!
481
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,533
No!
482
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,839
[dramatic music plays]
483
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:38,796
[grunts]
484
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:39,841
Bla-dow!
485
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:42,539
[air hissing]
486
00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:46,413
[siren chirps, radio chatter]
487
00:17:46,456 --> 00:17:48,328
It's time to give up!
488
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:50,721
♪
489
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,549
Oh, good, you're coming back.
490
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:55,117
I forgot to tell you,
Roz and Larry reached out.
491
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:57,902
It was a misunderstanding,
but to get me my money back,
492
00:17:57,946 --> 00:17:59,469
they needed my
social security number.
493
00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:00,688
Great news, right?
494
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:02,733
- Shut up! Shut your mouth!
- [gasps]
495
00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,692
I felt guilty
and I overcorrected,
496
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,260
but all this lying to be nice
has made everything terrible!
497
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,958
Terrible? In what way?
498
00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:12,874
I have no choice now
but to tell you like it is.
499
00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:16,660
Only this time, I'm going
to try to add in...
500
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,227
some kindness.
501
00:18:18,271 --> 00:18:19,489
Okay.
502
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,143
I'm scared, but I'm ready.
503
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,492
[inhales deeply]
504
00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,103
You're an ass.
505
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:26,975
Your mind is an explosive
source of shitty ideas,
506
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,542
and all to do what?
507
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:30,631
Revive a career that didn't
matter to begin with?
508
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,720
You're a terrible stylist.
509
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:34,722
Aside from a total
lack of taste,
510
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,550
you're also just not
a good haircutter,
511
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:37,899
on a craftsman level.
512
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:38,987
Scissor skills are zero.
513
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,945
Everyone knows
you're illiterate,
514
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:43,349
so it's excruciating when you
keep showing people your book,
515
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:46,037
or pretend to sit down
with that big quill pen.
516
00:18:46,081 --> 00:18:47,885
- Your breath...
- The... The kindness, please?
517
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:49,650
When is it? When is it?!
518
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:52,261
- [tender music plays]
- You...
519
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:56,047
make me feel bad when I say
how awful you are at everything.
520
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:59,181
Because you're nice to me.
[sighs]
521
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:02,445
You make me wish I thought
you were a better man.
522
00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:03,794
Wow.
523
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,231
Yeah.
524
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:06,188
But you're not.
525
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:09,148
Sweet Maggie May,
526
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:12,412
both of you are trying
so hard to change, to grow.
527
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:15,284
And maybe I've been
stuck in a rut myself.
528
00:19:15,328 --> 00:19:17,721
Josay... let's do it.
529
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,594
This has been a long time
coming, Roddy-boy.
530
00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:23,205
Eh, the haircut.
L-Let's do the haircut.
531
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,815
I'm horny for that, too.
532
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:27,078
Seems like someone
should sing...
533
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,776
I hadn't prepared...
534
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:31,605
It's me!
535
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:35,522
♪ With that hair,
you look a fool ♪
536
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:38,960
♪ But with this cut,
you could be cool ♪
537
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:43,617
- ♪ You'll appear young ♪
- ♪ You'll appear young ♪
538
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:47,838
- ♪ Basically young ♪
- ♪ Basically young ♪
539
00:19:47,882 --> 00:19:50,058
♪ More or less young ♪
540
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,408
♪ In the right light ♪
541
00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:55,846
♪ If they don't get too close ♪
542
00:19:55,890 --> 00:20:00,503
♪ You'll appear yoooooung ♪
543
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:02,201
[helicopter blades whirring]
544
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:13,429
[police radio chatter]
545
00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:15,039
They kidnapped Rod!
546
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,171
Murder them!
547
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:22,482
♪
548
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,092
[record scratch]
549
00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:27,313
It's... It's not Rod Stewart.
550
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:30,533
It's some old skeleton with
a different out-of-date haircut.
551
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:32,143
ROGER: It's the Clooney!
552
00:20:32,187 --> 00:20:33,971
Rod Stewart isn't here!
553
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,104
And maybe he never even existed!
554
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:37,453
Let's go home!
555
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:39,150
[tires squeal]
556
00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:43,764
Rod, you may have noticed
some similarities
557
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,592
between the song
I sang in the limo
558
00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:47,550
and your song "Forever Young."
559
00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:49,813
- ROD STEWART: Yeah, kind of.
- STAN: Great.
560
00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:51,946
Then you'll understand
why I'm suing you.
561
00:20:51,989 --> 00:20:54,992
♪
562
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:56,864
Have a great night!
563
00:20:56,914 --> 00:21:01,464
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