Original subtitles

Welcome to our Loving Sex series. Hi, I'm Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld, a psychologist and sex therapist.

For over 25 years I have been working with couples and individuals to enrich intimacy, the romantic and sexual aspects of their relationships.

In order to have really good sex, it's crucial to know a number of things. One of the most importantof which is to know what your partner wants.

Women have always been curious about what men want sexually and many of them complain that men are not as forthcoming about their desires...

and that they are not as direct and assertive about their sexual preferences as they could be and as their partners want them to be.

So we went out and spoke with men who were willing to talk.

You'll notice that men don't always agree. That's just reality. Despite myths to the contrary, all men are not the same.

Different men have different preferences. The only way to know for sure what your man wants is to ask him.

Does he like this or that? Does he want it this way or that way, or even both ways?

We hope watching this video will lead to such conversations.

Despite the differences, there do seem to be some commonalties in what men want.

In general, men want a partner who is interested in sex as much as they are...

who shows her interest by initiating sexual activity and coming up with new ways, new acts, and new places.

The woman initiating is extremely important to men. It lets them know they are dealing with an equally interested partner...

not someone who is just going along with the ride or having sex out of obligation.

The woman being creative is also important because it makes men feel that you care enough to share the "work" of sex.

These days men are very much interested in satisfying their partners.

They want to make you feel as good as possible.

You can let them know how happy you are with your movements, your sounds, and your words.

This lets your partner know he is making you happy and doing a good job.

Let's start with relationships. While it's true that men are into looks - after all, men are very visual creatures - they actually want a lot

Sensitivity, commitment, assertiveness, good communication...

I look for honesty and open communication. I wanna be able to say what I want to say and expect that back from my partner.

At this point in my life, I'm looking actually for a commitment. You know...

Basically, I'm looking for a relationship that's going to lead to a serious commitment, that's going to lead to marriage.

Uh, excitement, steadfastness, um... flexibility, uh, love.

I like being romantic, because when I'm romantic Diane really responds.

A quick relationship sexually is like shallow well. Rather than, I'd rather dig deep, and find out, and get to know a woman.

She has to be, she has be smart, she has to know what she's about, she has to know what she wants.

She can't... I... I don't, I go for a very... very intelligent... very intelligent women are... are usually my choice...

because they... they seem to know a little bit more about what's going on.

I find, I guess the most appealing thing to me, um, in a relationship is probably, um, the care that, that's there between two partners.

Um, the sensitivity, uh, about feelings, um, and about just companionship, being together.

I'd say initiation on their part can, I can find very attractive.

I like it when she takes me out on a date, you know. When a woman finally takes you out on a date... be in charge, I like that.

When a woman wants you too much and shows it sometimes it takes that, um, feeling of, of, a, a challenge away.

So, if she's too sexually assertive sometimes it, it, it makes you back off a little.

I like a self-asserting woman, you know, aggressiveness. That shows me reassurance.

Uh, you know, just a little bit of inventiveness.

Sex in the shower can be really hot. I mean, you take a shower in the morning with, uh, your partner and just start fucking.

I love being seduced, ‘cause Diane is really good at it.

My wife is the best seductress in the world. She likes to play these little games but I know a few, too.

Men like it when their partners are creative and come up with interesting ways of going about sex.

The pictures on the stairs certainly meet these criteria.

Another thing most men really want in sex is the woman to take the lead and initiate just as Tina does.

Look how she just pulls him into the shower. Now, that's real assertiveness.

Just like women, men want to feel desired. The woman initiating lets them know they are really wanted.

Hand- jobs, especially with lubrication, are always appreciated.

Whoal

Whoal

Hmmmmmm...

Oh my god. Where the hell is she?

[Water running]

Male: I like the picture! Female: You did? Male: Mmmmm...

Male: That thing looks better though.

Female: Come here. Have fun in the shower.

[moaning]

Female: He's growing! Why is that?

Male: I don't know!

[moaning]

Male: Uh baby! Oh!

What makes a woman good in bed?

The ability to let go, be uninhibited, and just experiment. Try things, different positions, oral sex, whatever is the mood.

I think the most sexiest woman is a woman with no inhibitions.

Body language, sex appeal, um... just her reaction to my touch. Um, that's what I find appealing.

Oh, Janet's really responsive. It's, like, even when we're in bed, and she comes, and she wants me to stop...

I just keep going and going. It drives her nuts all over again.

Men like a woman who is responsive, who thoroughly gets into sex, who is uninhibited. Someone who lets it all hang out.

Note how Janet shows her involvement by stimulating her own nipples and by how she uses her fingers and mouth.

By the way, you don't have to be truly uninhibited to do this. Just act as if you were.

And Janet's sounds and words. This is a kind of communication that men can really understand.

She lets Steve know how much pleasure he's giving her and how much enjoyment she's having.

Men absolutely love this kind of feedback.

Male: Hi. Female: Hi.

Male: Did you enjoy your little sunbathing?

Female: I sure do. I like feeling the sun on my body. It feels so good.

Male: It looks so good, too.

Female: [moaning]

Female: [moaning] That feels so good. Oh yes. No, stop, stop. It feels so good. Stop please.

Male: Come on baby. Why do you want me to stop? Hmm?

Female: Because it feels so good I can't take it no more.

Male: Yes you can. Female: Uh, uh.

Male: Mm-hmm. Female: Oh nol

Male: Mm-hmm. Female: You drive me crazy!

Male: Mm-hmm. [laughing] Female: You little brat.

Male: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Female: Oh yeah. [moaning]

Female: Stop, stop, please wait. Just wait, just wait. [moaning]

Female: I wanna be on top. It's my turn! Male: Mmmmml

Female: Scoot over this way. Mmmmmm...

Male: Oh yeah. [moaning]

Female: Ooohhlll Stop, stop. Ahhh! Male: Mmm mmm.

Female: Mmmm... three down. Male: And two to go! [moaning]

Female: Oh stop, oh wait, oh wait, oh stop. Oh stop!

Do it slowly. Oh yeah. Oh, stop. That's it, oh yeah.

Mmm hmm, I like that. Mmm hmm. [moaning]

Okay stop, stop. Please, sweetie. Oh wait.

Male: Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. Female: Ahl Ah!

Female: [moaning] Stop, stop. Oh yeah. Mmm! Ah! Stop, stop.

Female: That's nice and easy. Uh huh. Ahhh...

Male: Oh yeah. Uh-huh. [moaning] Female: Ahhhl Ahhh!

Female: You drove me crazy. Male: Mmm mmm. [moaning]

What do you think of sex outside the bedroom?

I think, I think any form of sex outdoors is, is pretty fun. Where there's a chance that, uh, you might actually get caught maybe, um, adds to it.

Or on any form of, like, transportation, something like that.

Basically, the top of a mountain area, the local mountains or whatever. Just, you know, kind of out in nature kind of thing if you, if you will.

I'd like to try sex outdoors, but I've never really done that.

I think that sex in nature is just a wonderful feeling. I mean, to be outside under the warm sun having sex by a stream or alongside the beach it's extraordinary.

It's a wonderful feeling.

One of the things I really love about Sharon is that she'll have sex anywhere. She's very adventurous.

There is no doubt that men love making love in different locations.

Doing so provides variety and, if youdo it in a place where you might be caught, a sense of positive anxiety and adventure.

Cars and vans are wonderful places to have sex. Note how playful this couple is and how much fun they're having.

Men very much appreciate a woman who shares these adventures with them.

Male: Hi honey. Female: Honey, it's dripping.

Male: Good one. Female: Phew!

Male: Thanks babe. Female: Mmmm...

Male: You sure look nice in your little dress. All nice and open. Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm!

Female: You think so? Male: Mm-hmm, beautiful.

Female: I like these little rips in your jeans.

Male: There's other stuff in my jeans you might like, tool

Female: I already know what's in your jeans. [laughing] Male: Mm-hmm.

Male: This is so nasty here in this parking lot. Female: Don't, don't move. Just act...

Male: I'll just pretend like I'm listening to the radio or something. Female: Act normal. Nothing's happening.

Female: Mmmmm... Male: You're so bad! [moaning]

Male: You know, we better go in the back. Lets go in the back!

Male: You know what? You better look up there and see if anybody's looking, or if there's any cops around, or anything.

Male: Can you see? Keep looking.

Female: There's a, there's a car coming. Male: Well, keep looking. Look to the North, look to the West.

Female: [laughing] Male: [moaning]

Female: Um, there, there's, um, a black Mercedes.

Male: Keep looking, keep looking. Female: [laughing] There's too many people here. We can't do this!

Male: Yes we can, yes we can. Female: Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Wait 'til that car passes.

Male: Is that your mom? Just joking. Keep looking, keep looking. Female: I'm looking.

Male: Keep looking. Female: I'm looking. [moaning]

Female: Aaahl

Female: [moaning]

Female: Ahhhl Male: Mmmmm...

Male: Come here you. Female: Yeah. [moaning]

Female: Oh! Male: Mmmmm...

Female: Oh yeah. Male: Oh yeah. Baby. Oh yeah.

Female: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Male: Oh yeah. Oh my god. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Female: Oh god. Male: Oh yeah.

Male: Oh my god! [moaning]

Female: Oh fuck. Male: Oh baby.

I like oral sex.

I guess I'm an exhibitionist. I don't mind if somebody watches.

I really love to have sex right in the middle of the day, right at lunch time.

I like oral sex, but I like giving it more than receiving it.

Here we have another location. Swimming pools, spas and hot tubs are great for sex.

Female: The water feels good. Male: Oh yeah it does.

Female: How was your day? Male: It was nice. [moaning]

Male: Mmmmm...

Female: [moaning]

Male: You're a brat. Bad baby! [laughing] Female: Ow! Sit on the side.

Male: Hmm? Female: Come sit up here. Male: You going to get me?

Female: Uh-huh. [moaning]

Male: [moaning]

Male: Ahh!

Men love to be made love to. They like it when their woman takes her time to thoroughly pleasure her man.

And yes, the all American favorite. Breathes there a man anywhere who doesn't absolutely love a blow job?

Even when it doesn't go to orgasm, men love the idea and the sensations of their penis in a woman's mouth.

Male: [moaning] Oh yeah!

Male: Anybody else there? Female: Hello! Male: [laughing]

Male: That was Diane. She's saying hello now. [laughing]

Male: Suck me baby to cum. Suck me with everything. Oh yeah, oh yeah. [moaning]

Male: Because you don't know somebody's watching. [moaning]

Female: [moaning]

Female: Ahhhl

Male: Shh, you're going to wake up the neighbors. Female: [moaning]

Men adore it when a woman shows how much pleasure she's getting from the man's efforts.

Diane shows with her sounds, her hands, and her feet and legs, actually with her whole body, how much joy she's feeling.

Never be afraid to be "unladylike" and let your man know how much you're enjoying yourself.

Men love this. They really do want to satisfy their partners.

Female: [moaning]

Male: Come onl

Female: Ah god! Ohl

There is something very real-life like and important in this segment.

Although Ted seems to get a lot of joy from the activities, he never has a full erection or an orgasm.

Diane responds in a way most men appreciate. She doesn't ask anxious questions about whether she's turning him on or stimulating him correctly.

She just goes on with the show and both end up having a terrific time. That's a good way to handle this kind of situation.

Do you like to be surprised by a woman?

Well, I like to be surprised. I like a woman with imagination and, um, very uninhibited that, um, even kinky.

I love it when Brenda totally plans out a sexy evening.

Uh, I wish my girlfriend would surprise me with some sexual fantasy or escapade and just really take control.

Yes, indeed, most men like to be sexually surprised by their woman. Whatever the exact nature of the surprise...

and the activities that follow these kinds of actions on the part of the woman assure the man that she likes sex with him,

that she's willing to put energy and thought into it, and that the whole burden of initiation and creativity is not left up to him.

Female 1: Hil Female 2: Hil Female 1: You been waiting long?

Female 2: No. Female 1: Oh good. Oh, just leave that there. I'll show you where everything is since he's on his way.

Female 1: Come on in.

Female 1: Okay. So, this is it and we can go ahead and get everything set up. Female 2: Okay.

Female: Hi hon. Male: How you doing?

Male: So where are you taking me tonight? Female: Right in here.

Male: Aren't we going out? So, where we going- you gonna tell me?

Female: No. We're going right here.

Male: Oh, what do you have? Some sort of surprise? Female: Mm-hmm.

Male: What's the surprise? Female: If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise would it?

Male: I guess I'm at your disposal. Female: Uh-huh.

Male: Okay. So, what's going on? Female: You'll see.

Male: Wow. What's all this? Massage? Female: Happy birthday honey.

Male: Mmm, thank you honey. This is great. Female: This is Melanie.

Male: Hey, how you doing Melanie? Female 2: Fine. Male: Nice to meet you.

Female 1: Take good care of him.

Female 2: So... Male: So, should I, uh, get undressed? Female 2: Mm-hmm.

Female 2: Save that for your wife.

Female: So? Male: What a great massage.

Female: Yeah? Male: Mm-hmm.

Female: You like your present? Male: Yeah. Where are my other presents?

Female: You'll get them later. Male: Yeah?

Female: Mm-hmm. Male: Do I get a hint?

Female: Nope. Male: Are you going to surprise me again now?

Female: I try. Male: Mmm.

Female: I say we go continue this in the jacuzzi. Male: Mmm, sounds good.

Female: Happy birthday. Male: Mmm.

You don't have to be a professional to give a decent massage. Just do what the guy wants.

But if you want to learn more about giving a massage, and specifically, genital massage, check out the Ultimate Massage video in this series.

We hope this video has given you some ideas about what men want. But remember, no matter what men in general may like, your man,

being an individual, may be different. You need to talk with him, work with him, to determine his preferences.

If he's shy or reluctant to open up, why not model it for him? By telling and showing him your preferences, you'll help him to do the same.

Talking about our sexual likes and wants is one of the most important and sexy things a couple can do.

Why not open up such a conversation with your partner?